Wipe Your Ass With That Prenup & Get Into a Healthy Relationship: (BOOK 1)

Wipe Your Ass With That Prenup and Get Into a

Healthy Relationship

Book I: Prenuptial Agreements, Narcissism & Emotional Abuse

Lee Nelson Eáder

Copyright 2019

Lee Nelson Eader

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior written permission from the author or publisher.

From the Author:

A successful relationship happens when both people make their partner’s emotional health their number one priority. If you want a successful marriage, find someone who is emotionally developed and who makes your emotional health his or her number one priority. The first instance of your partner intentionally injuring your emotional health, break it off. People who are emotionally sound and stable do not intentionally injure their partner’s emotional health.

- Lee Nelson Eáder

Table of Contents

Copyright

From the Author

Introduction

Chapter I: The Pathological Prenup

Chapter II: Exposing the Intention

Chapter III: The Reality of P.A.S.S.

Chapter IV: Understanding Narcissism

Chapter V: Narcissists & The Prenup

Chapter VI: Red Flag Reject

Chapter VII: Breaking Away

Chapter VIII: No Contact & Recovery

The Trump Epilogue: The Art of the Prenupper

Citations

Introduction

My ex-fiancé – along with members of her family – presented me with a prenuptial agreement. This event rocked my world, temporarily turning my life upside down and inside out. At that time in my life, I would have never imagined that any piece of paper would ever be capable of so strategically derailing my engagement and wedding plans already in full swing. Nonetheless, it – and they – did just that. My engagement came to a screeching halt when I definitively said ‘no’ to the prenup. Thankfully, surrounded by the support of family and friends, I survived my broken engagement… but the break-up itself sent me on a journey. I needed to know why I felt so emotionally beaten. I began to research narcissism – the personality disorder that dictates the bullying behaviors I endured - and I connected it to that prenup. I discovered the Prenuptial Agreement Stress/Sadness Syndrome and discovered how this syndrome affects both men and women. The lessons I learned from my prenuptial experience are why I wrote this book. I will teach you about the narcissistic personality and show you how a prenup enables the control sought after by those who have this disorder. I will also show you exactly how much damage a prenuptial agreement can cause to the very soul of the person who is asked to sign it.

If you are reading this, it is likely you’ve been presented with a prenup or, at the very least, the idea of a prenup and you’re not sure what to do. It is also likely that you feel a strange suffering and confusion – sure signs of mental collateral damage. Make no mistake…if you’ve been given a prenup, you are the victim of emotional abuse. In fact, anything emotionally injures you is considered abuse. This is my story and my opinion and I will share with you the experience that led me to this conclusion. It is also my opinion that whoever presents or suggests a prenup to another person has a narcissistic personality disorder and that this is why you feel betrayed and deceived. A narcissist is someone who lacks guilt, compassion, empathy, and moral reasoning. You enter into relationships to feel better about yourself, not to be abused, devalued, and depressed. Narcissists will use a prenuptial agreement as a method for abusing their partner and controlling them emotionally - and it is legal! It is just another way for a narcissist to maintain complete control over the relationship and eventual marriage. The prenup is levied without empathy for the sole purpose of removing marriage equality and despite the emotional harm and devastation done to the partner asked to sign it. If this has happened to you, you have my deepest sympathies because the truth of the matter is that you have been groomed and tricked. You fell in love with a narcissist and I am very sorry for you.

The key to identifying a narcissist is seeing that they step over your boundaries and intentionally hurt you to accomplish whatever end they are seeking. They perform this process knowingly, enjoying it without empathy for the harm to your emotional health. The process of a prenup oversteps personal boundaries, attempts to shift the power between partners, and it does all this without regret. The success of the process is viewed as a victory by the perpetrator and their family. When someone knowingly hurts you and continues that behavior even after you make them aware of your hurt, the behavior and person are toxic and abusive.

The person who initially behaved like your soul mate is now, suddenly, an abuser. Since much of the abuse is passive-aggressive, the prenup likely was the first blatant sign of an attack. You may have noticed small red flags along the way...little ouch moments, boundaries broken, hurtful words...yet nothing you felt constituted a break up. It is likely you never dealt with narcissism or knew the true definition of the word or that narcissism was a cluster-b personality disorder. If so, don’t worry…neither did I until, of course, I experienced a relationship with a person who was a full-blown narcissist. Some people are lucky in relationships and marry those who are emotionally healthy. Others must endure the task of learning about personality disorders first-hand and face-to-face via their relationships. If you are here about a prenup, be grateful that you are learning about your partner’s disorder before you get married.

Learning to handle a cluster-b personality type properly can potentially help you to see through the deception. I say potentially because learning about disordered people and having the courage to let these people go are two different things. This is the skill I hope this book helps you develop. I sincerely hope this book is the start to your second psychological birth where you become the creator of your emotional environments and not a victim to personality-disordered people. As children, we learn to treat all people with kindness but, as adults, we realize that not everyone is deserving of this kindness. A person with a cluster-b type personality is certainly an example of someone who is not deserving and therefore the only treatment he or she deserves when they choose to abuse is no-contact, and if you must engage them for some reason, boundaries, consequences and exposure.

Personality disorders are self-destructive in many ways to all involved, which means that the lives of those around the narcissist will likely be destroyed. If you remain intimate with a person who has a personality disorder, you will have to give 100% of yourself to keep the relationship alive. He or she will destroy all relationships and bring down in their whirlpool anyone caught in their immediate vicinity. Narcissists and sociopaths are called psychic and emotional vampires for a reason. These people will suck your life dry, leaving you emotionally dead. They will do things to intentionally hurt you, enjoy watching you suffer, and then congratulate themselves for a job well done.

The bottom line is that it is impossible to have a relationship with a cluster-b narcissist. Cluster-b’s are emotionally arrested people who lack the skills necessary to relate to other human beings in an appropriate manner and, therefore, they are not capable of having normal adult romantic relationships. These types of people will consistently do the exact opposite - in both words and actions - of what a healthy person would do in a relationship, and it will be done with the intent to hurt and control. As a partner, you will slowly lose your patience and empathy for the situation and for the person or people involved. If a prenup is involved, you will feel miserably broken as a human being. Merritt 2017: "It is all a ploy to strip you of your pride in your achievement and make you feel inadequate. It is so subtle that you do not notice the backsliding of your self-esteem until you wake up one day to realize that you have feelings of inadequacy and shame. This is when the narcissist is happy. When you lose your self-esteem, you become easier to manipulate and control, and the narcissist feels even more superior to you."i Does this sound like your primped engagement situation?

As Kim Saeed once said, "A relationship with a narcissist dooms you to a life of misery. You will discover that trying to love or fix" this person will only exhaust you. You may attempt to talk about the prenup, explaining your feelings and even trying to convince your partner that the document isn’t necessary. None of that will matter. The only way to a happy life is to let this person go, implement no contact, and learn to love who you are as a person. Eventually, you can find a healthy romantic partner. I know this is not what you want to hear. Your fiancé and their family may be trying to convince you that a prenup is normal and that signing it is what couples do during an engagement and before marriage. The truth is that a prenup isn’t normal at all and, in fact, is the ultimate red flag of a personality disordered individual and family.

If you recognize narcissistic traits in your fiancé late in the game, deciding to leave may be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. I know this because I had to do it. As Doc Love says, "It is better to be alone than to be somebody’s slave". If you sign a prenup, you become a slave with a master, not an equal husband and wife. Breaking off the engagement may be difficult but it will your only option if you ever hope to lead a happy life. Again, remember that a prenup is a HUGE indicator of narcissism.

You may ask, "Can a relationship with a narcissist last? Meyers 2014: If the person you’re in a relationship with is highly narcissistic, there is little to no chance for a long-term, happy relationship.ii There are those who say yes, it is possible, but only if you are willing to devote yourself entirely to serving them without expectation. A narcissist will not reciprocate love but they certainly will cheat, steal, lie and abuse and insult you to your face. Moreover, there is no guarantee that the narcissist will stay with you at all under any circumstances. So, while the relationship could last, you have to analyze the cost.

Saeed, 2017: "You could preserve the relationship, but you better be willing to abandon everything you held dear before joining up with the narcissist since he will trash and trample the things that you value. Doing what it takes to maintain the relationship will ultimately leave us devastated and drained, in our finances, our relationships with other people, in our careers, and most importantly of all, in our psychological and emotional well-being."iii

What I am saying is the truth. Think about it. Who in their right mind would sign up for this type of life? Sleepless nights and feelings of anxiety and general confusion are never normal in a healthy relationship or engagement. In a healthy engagement, you should feel trust, support, and protection. The feelings brought on by a prenup are the exact opposite of this and the abuse will not change during marriage. You will never stop thinking about it, a clear symptom of Prenuptial Agreement Stress and Sadness Syndrome (P.A.S.S.). What - this feeling is an actual syndrome? Yes, P.A.S.S. is a very real abuse syndrome and we will discuss it at length later in this book. Once you understand that the feelings of sadness caused by a prenup result from emotional abuse, the confusion will go away and you will be open to recovery.

The person you are with will continue to abuse you in the relationship. Again, I am very sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I saw a meme online that said "No contact. Your older self will thank you.iv" If you choose to break off your engagement, you will likely suffer worse than you ever have in your entire life but I promise that it will be short-term. You may feel as if you will never move forward but you will. There is a name for what you are enduring. It is called narcissistic abuse. It is my hope that the information provided in this book will help you to recover from the narcissistic abuse you endured, to love yourself in a healthy manner and then, to find a healthy partner so that you can live an abuse-free and happy life.

As Khalil Gibran says, "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Understand that by standing your ground and by only accepting behaviors, words, and actions worthy of your romantic relationship efforts and heart, you will forge a stronger character and become a magnificent version of yourself for the future. This book was written - and the prenupfree.com forum created - to provide guidance and support throughout all prenup and narcissistic experiences. When I was going through it, nothing specifically existed for prenup narcissistic abuse victims and I am lucky to have had a few good friends to help me through the extraordinarily rough patches. The friends that I have are truly God-given treasures and much of the content and information in this book came from our many shared conversations post-break-up.

The PrenupFree.com forum is a safe environment where you can talk about it with others until you don’t have to talk about it anymore. Search narcissistic abuse and narcissistic abuse recovery and you will find a ton of information about what you are experiencing. What you will also discover is that not too many people who have not experienced the fallout of a prenup request will understand your situation. People - and maybe even your family members - will tell you to simply ‘get over it’. As any narcissistic abuse victim will tell you, just getting over it is virtually impossible. You certainly can’t blame these people, as I didn’t have any clue, before it happened to me, what narcissistic abuse even meant. Six months ago, if someone had come to me for support about narcissism, I would not have known how to help. When someone says to just get over it, thank them and move on to a person, professional or forum where the person who is listening knows the experiences and can help you out.

I am publishing this book as a way to help others who are faced with the devastating decision to either sign a prenup or break off an engagement. At this point, I truly put the experience behind me. I now know that there are things called narcissists out there and that you have to go no-contact with them. I now recognize the red flags that I once missed and I’ve learned how to identify these underdeveloped emotional infants. I hope this book is an introduction to the topic of emotional development for you. I have certainly forgiven my ex and her family for the prenup presentation, the hurtful conversations, and the soul-shattering breakup that ensued. I imagine that trying to forget the abuse is similar to a rape victim trying to forget they were raped. Bonchay 2018, "Emotional Rape: Can result from emotional abuse and is a common feeling many victims describe of being violated and abused in a non-physical manner."v Being presented with a prenup is emotional rape because it puts you in a position where you feel a violation of your human rights has taken place. If an ultimatum is given to either sign the prenup or breakup, you will be forced to break your own heart in order to maintain integrity and stay true to your values about marriage. The person who would do this is an emotional terrorist, someone who intentionally hurts others. This very well may be the hardest experience you will ever face in your life.

This experience can teach you how to effectively spot and handle toxic, personality disordered people and how to put on your running shoes and get-the-hell-away. Narcissists treat the people who love them with total disrespect and a complete lack of consideration. It will take time to recover. When you love someone, the feeling is real and it doesn’t go away overnight. However, to be in love with someone is not enough to make a marriage work.

For a successful marriage, one must love and marry an emotionally healthy partner, not someone with an abusive personality. So, basically, two things are necessary: love AND emotional health in a partner. The goal of this book is to help the reader/listener get out of an abusive relationship. Once out, you can learn to love yourself, recover, and then find an emotionally healthy partner and begin a wonderful relationship. A woman once told me that 99% of our happiness is determined by the person we marry. Our goal with this book is to help you understand emotional abuse, learn how to recognize it, and develop the strength to escape an abuser. Once you do this, you can find an emotionally healthy partner and get on with your life.

I’ve always believed that the attitude toward which you start any endeavor dictates the success of that endeavor. A prenup is a plan for divorce and is not an attitude with which you want to start a marriage. I thought I had found my soul mate but when I told her that a prenup made me uncomfortable, both she and her family turned on me. I went from feeling that I had their respect to feeling abused, devalued, and more like an enemy than a future son-in-law. It was the worst emotional event of my life and it made me hate everything about myself including my career. It made me feel that being dead would be better than being alive. If I could press charges for emotional murder, I would do it, but I can’t. All I can hope to do from that hellish experience is educate others about this type of emotional abuse and teach people to go no-contact at the first sign of abuse. The reality, if you are asked to sign a prenup, is that you are being manipulated and disrespected, pure and simple. In retrospect, I see that this family never had respect for me. The respect they presented was all for show because they expected that I would sign as I had initially agreed. I had been baited, groomed, and, so they thought, manipulated into giving up my rights to move forward with the marriage. I read a quote by Steve Pavilina that said it well: "Any relationships that would reject you for being true to yourself are abusive relationships. You’ll be much better off when you let them go."

If you feel that a prenup compromises your values and makes you uncomfortable, you are not alone. It’s natural for any human being who is about to make the biggest decision and commitment of their life to feel this way. By asking their partner to sign a prenup, a person is basically saying that they don’t trust in the marriage…that it likely won’t last and therefore divorce plans should be made. Ask yourself if you want your marriage to be temporary and if you enjoy being with a person who thinks this way. At the time, I didn’t think there could ever be a more degrading feeling than when I was presented with a prenup. Think about it. You are in love and engaged to be married and suddenly your ‘soul mate’ demands that you sign a document that contradicts what marriage is supposed to stand for. Moreover, you are told that if you don’t sign the prenup, you will have to break-up, turning your world upside down. Trust me, if this is happening to you, it is better that you get out now before getting married and having children. Your world being upside down now will not last forever and you will go on to rebuild a better life with someone who is healthy and respectful. A prenup is a huge sign of disrespect and emasculation. In the book Grow a Pair, Larry Winget describes how the term ‘emasculation’ metaphorically relates to the intestinal fortitude of men and women. Signing a prenup emasculates one’s dignity, self-worth, integrity and emotions. Don’t ever settle for disrespect in a relationship! You will find a healthy partner who will treat you better. Kujath, 2017: No one can take your dignity unless you give it to them.vi

I did the only thing I could do at the time and that was to leave a no-win situation. The grief felt, to me, as if it would kill me. Thankfully, I was wrong about that and after several months, I moved on. When I look in the mirror now, I see a newer, stronger, harder version of myself. The version I see has his dignity 100% intact and I thank God everyday that I made the decision that I did. However, when my engagement ended, I naturally felt destroyed and devastated. There are no words to describe where I was in my head… I was simply shattered. I have been through breakups prior to this but this felt different because I was a true victim of narcissistic abuse. Believe me, after learning about these psychic and emotional vampires, this will never happen again. Just two months into our engagement, my once supportive fiancé had become an abusive person, saying the most hurtful and devaluing things anyone has ever said to me. She knew exactly what to say to break me down and, in the end, I felt she was saying these things to make herself feel better about discarding me. In order to move on without regret, she had to view me as worthless.

When we approach marriage, our partner’s emotional health should be our number one priority and vice versa. My fiancé felt that her inheritance was far more important than I could ever be and, therefore, it came before me. I knew that I would always play second fiddle to material things. As you will learn, this is textbook narcissistic behavior.

Merritt, 2017: "They (the victim of the narcissist) accept many things that they should not have to. For instance, they get used to not being the first, second or third priority in their partner’s lives."vii Realizing that my partner was an abuser was one of the hardest parts of the process to accept. In the beginning, she was an angel and at the end, she was just cruel. After our breakup, my mind would remember the angel but the reality is that true angels don’t transform overnight into cruel people. In the end, the angelic persona was a mask and the cruel person was who she really was. Now, when I think about her, I force myself to remember her cruelty and I know that those particular memories are why we are not together.

By default, in a romantic relationship, we expect our partner to be supportive of our goals and understanding of our shortcomings. At first, narcissists will love bomb and idealize us, making us feel like Superman or Superwoman. We award them the privilege of taking care of our heart and their words and actions then validate us. We trust that they are good, healthy people. This is a natural process and a beautiful one unless we’ve been tricked into an abusive relationship. My ex was gorgeous…simply beautiful. In the beginning, there were red flags - little ouch moments - but I ignored them all because I was in love. If the narcissistic person is beautiful, the love-bombing is hard to resist and you must be careful. When things get physical, it creates a blind trust with this person. Fortunately, we can learn to identify the red flags of narcissism and get out as soon as possible. Again, Kim Saeed said it well: "It often takes only a few pathological traits to completely destroy their partner’s life."

This may sound extreme but it took me months to function enough to work during the Devalue and Discard stages. This experience nearly put me out of business. Fortunately, I have an amazing team at my business that covered for me but not every one is so lucky. A person could very easily become unemployed, get behind on bills and, at worst case, become destitute. A narcissist will proactively undermine your goals and target your unique insecurities until you begin to doubt your own successes. They will systematically transform your vulnerabilities into insecurities and make you hate yourself. This is how they destroy lives. All tactics of narcissists shift the power dynamic so they always are superior. This is the outcome when a narcissist calls a person a name or gives them a prenup. If the party insulted stays in the relationship, they are then choosing to be in the subservient position.

The abusive and controlling tactics I discuss in this book are the lowest possible traits of human behavior. We learn these behaviors as children but normally grow out of them. Narcissists, however, never grow out of that tantrum stage where they truly believe they are the center of the Universe. Metaphorically, the narcissistic person will kick, cry, scream and guilt another person into giving them attention. Clearly, these people do not develop emotionally and you simply cannot have a relationship with someone who is not emotionally developed. A healthy relationship relies on the ability of those involved to relate to each other appropriately when it comes to emotions. With a narcissist, this is impossible because the ability to relate at this level is nonexistent. Dealing with this vacuum of emotions is, at first, only frustrating but soon the frustration turns to mind-numbing pain. To me, the narcissist’s lack of empathy, compassion and love leads to abusive behavior on the same magnitude as Hitler. As the partner, you will be objectified, abused, and you will actually learn to believe you deserve the abuse. You will then be destroyed if you allow it. This person’s lack of empathy makes it impossible for them to commit to anything and they know this. To ‘minimize the risk’ of entering into a marriage that they already know will end in divorce, they make sure to include a prenup and demand that you sign it. From there, the devastation of not being their emotional priority snowballs, tearing away at all areas of your life. Although leaving the relationship is easier said than done, having the ability to recognize narcissistic red flags can make the process much easier. The discipline and courage that it takes to do this will make you a much better - and happier - person in the long run. I guarantee it.

Pay attention if your partner displays a red flag. Do not look the other way or doubt what you are seeing or feeling. To be in an intimate relationship with a personality-disordered person is hell and it WILL destroy your life. The ‘Prenup Red Flag’ is an enormous indicator that your emotional health is not their priority, meaning that a person who presents you with a prenup is likely personality disordered and abusive. A prenuptial agreement, in my opinion, is a legal tool of abuse that can be easily levied by a narcissist who knowingly and willingly wants to be superior and strip the other person of their rights in a marriage. In the process of doing this, they will hurt other people and have no empathy about it. In fact, they may actually enjoy the energy received by watching the suffering partner buckle