God Cried Only the First Time

Dear reader, readers if you are more than one

After Tomorrow and The Last Selfie, here it is my third novel, God cried only the first time. I wouldn’t know what else to tell you, so hopefully I will write to you when I’ll finish my forth book. If you want something to say, you can write to me at the email address written on the first page.

Sergiu Grajdean

1.

-  Hi

-  ..............

-  Good evening...why don’t you say anything?

-  ..........hi

-  Didn’t you hear me when I got in?

-  ...No

-  What are you looking at?

-  I don’t know

-  If you don’t know, why are you keeping the TV on?

-  I’m watching it

-  What are you watching?

-  You caught me in a moment when I wasn’t paying attention...but I was watching it...it was a documentary about a cat torturing a mouse...the cat was throwing the mouse from one side to the other...when the cat saw that the mouse is back on his feet, she was hitting him again and again until the mouse was fully disoriented...the cat was chasing the mouse not letting him either live or die...meanwhile, the commentator was saying something...but...  

-  .... one day, this TV will explode...let these guys rest a little...it won’t happen anything bad if you turn it down once in a while...give them a little time to invent new lies...to refresh them...to choose which lie is more convincing...I don’t know what else are these journalists doing there...but....leave them alone...

-  .....................

-  It’s smelling bad in here...don’t you want to open the window a little bit?

-  No

-  You may not want it, but we have to...we must open it...to let some fresh air from outside get in...what do you think?

-  ................

-  ...not even a word? Why aren’t you saying anything? What have you done today?

-  Nothing

-  .......but yesterday?

-  Nothing

-  The day before yesterday?

-  Nothing....

-  Haven’t you noticed that I hadn’t been home for three days?

-  No....

-  ......Great...it’s always nice to hear this...how do you feel?

-  Good.....

-  ................

-  Give me a glass of water...

-  You should get up and take it by yourself...you must do something...you should get out of the house from time to time...I don’t know...stay a little in the garden....do something...anything...sweep the backyard, read a book, draw something, go for a walk...how is it possible to not want absolutely anything? How is it possible to not be interested in absolutely anything...? To not have any desire to live...? The whole day you’re just lying in bed and watching TV...and not even watching it with some kind of interest...simply, to...someone said that if you have a backyard and books, you have everything you need to cope with and go on...you have both a backyard and books...besides, you have me...don’t you ever forget that you have me...you aren’t alone...leaving aside the whole distress that hit you, do you realize how lucky are you, though? Do you know how many people aren’t really alone? Do you know how many people have someone standing by them who would do anything...absolutely anything for them...?

-  .................

-  ....very few...very few have someone who would actually........we’re living in groups, but we don’t care about each other......we’re living in groups because we need others and not because we care about others....we’re living in groups for our own benefit and not for others’.....otherwise, we would have disappeared a long time ago....the human being didn’t approach another human being to live together out of his desire, but out of his need...he had to.....the human being is too weak to live alone....the human being didn’t approach another human being because he fell in love with his warmth, but because he was afraid of not freezing and that’s how we ended up living...alone in groups...in groups, every man for himself.....do you know...that...you have only one life...? I know that this questions has become a cliché...cheap and trite...all the so called wise men have been repeating it for years...even I got bored of asking you the same question over and over again...but it’s true...every time I see you, I’m telling you the same things...honestly, I want to throw up when I’m hearing myself...I got tired of my own words...what are you waiting for? When this life is over, everything is over...maybe, it’s time to stop waiting for your own death...don’t you think? I’m often under the impression that you’re waiting the whole day your own death and in the evenings you’re disappointed that it hasn’t come...you don’t have to be disappointed...It will come...nobody has ever been able to avoid it...but, please, get up and do something...anything....

-  I don’t want to...

-  Hold the glass...do you know how many things I don’t want to do, but I do them anyway? Do you think that everything I do is out of pleasure? I’m going to work like an idiot because I want to wake up at five every morning and because I want to see the face of my boss whom I can’t stand anymore...sometimes I think that if he says another word, I will lose it.............no, dear...I’m going to work because the boss is earning, but I’m also earning something.....not as much as he does, but it doesn’t matter....we have to kiss some asses before we get to have our own kissers...everybody is doing something that they don’t want to....but they are doing it...because...in life you simply must do certain things....you simply must do them and that’s it....as long as you breathe, you have to get off your ass and not give up the fight... we must never give up...we must fight until we receive the last paw on our head...exactly like that mouse you saw at TV...otherwise...otherwise, you waste the air...you’re vegetating...you have to do something...do you think that life is a gift that we can throw away or exchange whenever we want? Life is not a gift...it may have been once...it may have been a divine gift for the first man on earth......or something...I don’t know......I think that only the first birthday of the first man truly meant something...but in time....in time, nothing survived of that divine gift....it’s been a while since life hasn’t been a gift anymore......

-  ..................

-  ...............are you, at least, listening to what I’m saying here?

-  I’m listening....

-  ...........I see...I see how you’re listening to me...not even the slightest emotion...I’m tired of repeating the same sentences...sentences that have lost their meaning in time...useless...forget about it...look, I have an idea...I’m not working on Sunday...do you want to come with me to play a tennis game? As we did in the past...do you remember? After the game, we go and eat some ice cream.....

-  No

-  Ok...we’ll grab a beer after the game, if you want...how about that?

-  The doctor told me not to drink any alcohol...

-  ...and you, the great obedient...what about a walk in the mountains? We’ll wake up early in the morning, around four o’clock...we’ll travel through the village...we’ll pass near the cemetery...and then to the right and forward up the hill...you know the way, don’t you? We’ll grab some food, water and everything we might need...maybe, we’ll see some deer...we’ll take the binoculars...where are yours? Do you remember how much fun we had, walking in the mountains? We were going almost every weekend...especially at first, when we moved here...do you remember? We were seeing the mountains for the first time in our lives...everything seemed magnificent...everything was new for us...the beauty of the first time...do you remember?

-  No

-  How come? What are you talking about?

-  I remember the facts...but I don’t remember having so much fun as you say...I don’t remember saying that everything was magnificent...

-  ....don’t you have left at least one memory about something beautiful and pleasant? Don’t you really have left the slightest ability to remember, live and feel the emotions...? What’s life without this ability? What do you have left if you lost this ability?

-  What are you whispering about over there? I didn’t hear you?

-  ........nothing...I said come with me and I’ll help you remember...just come with me

-  I don’t want to

-  We will come back on the same day, in the evening...we won’t stay the night in the mountains...it will be....it will be just a day walk...a short one...we’ll make the route that we were once making so often...we’ll pass by the pine forest...by the stream...do you remember that stream? There were two rocks on which we were sitting and smoking...we’ll see if the rocks are still there...

-  I don’t want to

-  We won’t stay the night there...and...well, we won’t make the whole route...it will be just a nice day outside...in nature...

-  ..........................

-  .....we’ll go to our spot...up there....where there’s a cave...or something like that...do you remember when we got caught in the rain there and we made a fire inside that cave? We were sitting at its edge and were looking at the rain...we were up there noticing the village, the houses...they seemed to us so small...the people...we couldn’t even notice the people...everyone was hiding in their dens...but to be honest, I didn’t miss seeing them...do you remember how good was the pot we had? We were sitting and dreaming...talking about our plans...wishes and different strategies how to achieve them...back there, we believed that we’re the winners in this battle against life...time...destiny...we were having the whole life ahead...we didn’t know anything yet...you know...I think that it’s not accidental our being stupid when we’re young....we have to be stupid when we start a journey whose end is inevitably a hole in the ground...if you want, I could get some weed...are you coming with me?

-  No...I don’t want to...

-  I miss so much those times...

-  What’s wrong with these times?

-  ......They are different...they aren’t the same...ok, if you don’t like my suggestions, I’m listening...you propose something...

-  I don’t want anything...

-  You’re driving me crazy...you’re staying in this house the whole day...without doing absolutely anything...we even have to beg you to take a shower...do you really like to waste your time in such a manner? Did you clean your room?

-  No

-  Why not? If, of course, I may ask you, Sir

-  I don’t want to....

-  I’ll help you

-  Tomorrow

-  I’m working tomorrow...it’s my turn...I’m doing a twenty-four-hour shift...

-  After tomorrow...we’ll clean it after tomorrow...

-  You are always saying so...tomorrow, tomorrow...after tomorrow...life is today...there’s no tomorrow, there is no after tomorrow...it’s happening now and at this very moment...the rest doesn’t matter...and you, at this very moment, are simply wasting your time with this TV...you could, at least, look at me while I’m talking to you, couldn’t you? I haven’t been home three days and I want to talk with you a little...and just you...and you’re watching the TV without even knowing what you’re watching...I swear that one day I’ll break it

-  ...............

-  Ok...thank you for giving me a few seconds...thank you for muting it and for your attention...you can live even if you don’t watch it for a few seconds, can’t you? Have you had any crisis today?

-  No...well, actually, I don’t know...no...no...I had only a few seconds when I was feeling my whole body trembling...the hands...I got dizzy for a few seconds...but it wasn’t a proper crisis...it wasn’t a big one.....

-  ....have you taken your medicines today? Stop watching TV...look at me

-  Yes, I took them...mum gave them to me...

-  Are you writing down in that notebook every crisis you have as the neurologist recommended?

-  Not every one...

-  Did you write something about the today episode?

-  No...

-  Where is that notebook?

-  It was beside my bed...in my room...

-  Wait a minute....

-  ...................

-  Hold it...write it down...write it down now!

-  What do I have to write down?

-  Write what happened...the time...how you were feeling before the crisis...if you remember, write something about how you felt immediately after...everything...if you were dizzy, if you were confused...if you wanted to throw up...if you had headaches...everything...you know

-  I don’t want to....

-  Write it down!

-  .....................ok, ok...I wrote it....

-  Thanks...was it so hard to do it by yourself, without my nagging?....sorry I yelled...give me the notebook to see what you wrote...did you throw up?

-  Yes...

-  Did you have a stomach ache, too?

-  No...just dizziness and...then I threw up...

-  When did it happen? Before or after the crisis?

-  .......I threw