Dear Dean... Love, Mom

Dear Dean

Love, Mom

Proof beyond doubt

that life and love are eternal

ESTHER LUTTRELL

Todeabrooksyd Publishing House

DEAR DEAN...LOVE, MOM

Todeabrooksyd Publishing House

Copyright©Esther Luttrell 2019

PUBLISHING HISTORY: Originally published under the title Dear Dean...Love, Mom, L and L Dreamspell Publishing 2010.

Published under the title Between Heaven and Earth, The Wild Rose Press, 2013.

Revised, Todeabrooksyd Publishing House, 2019,

NO PART OF THIS BOOK may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transferred to any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright holder, except for brief quotations used in a review.

What People Are Saying

FROM THE FIRST SENTENCE to the last, this book grabbed my heart and didn’t let go. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it gave me comfort and understanding about what is really important in life. I highly recommend it to anyone who has lost someone close to them, or who wonder about life’s mysteries. Well-written, it holds a powerful message of hope. – Dianne Lawson, contributing writer, Topeka Capital-Journal

"Dear Dean...Love, Mom is one of those books that come into our lives all too infrequently. Esther Luttrell has a way of turning personal experience into universal meaning. She does it simply and elegantly and honestly. No preaching, no over-reaching, no stretching the truth. She does it by baring and sharing her soul." – Peter Shianna, award winning novelist

THE AUTHOR HAS MANAGED to do something remarkable in her book, and that is tell a uniquely true story, a heartbreaking story of a mother’s loss, and yet one that unfolds as uplifting and life-affirming. It compels readers to open their hearts and minds to possibilities unforeseen and joys unexpected and close at hand. Brava, Esther! I’m proud of you! And so is Dean. – Frank Dooley, former Eastern North Carolina Film Commissioner

"DEAR DEAN...LOVE, MOM creates a truly magical experience that transcends storytelling and delivers on the promise of a transformational experience. Few writers face their own lives with such honesty, generosity, and courage." – Scott Anderson, Director, Harvard Square Scriptwriters, Boston, MA

"THIS BOOK IS PROOF that this life is just the beginning. Our soul, our personality, does not die when we leave this earthly form. Again and again, Esther has been given that rare glimpse granted to only a few through the veil which separates this world from the next. There is life past death, and this book contains proof." – Duane L. Herrmann, international speaker, author

I HAD JUST GOTTEN THE manuscript in the mail from Esther. I was going to read it when I got home from the studio. Momentarily stalled in bumper-to-bumper Los Angeles freeway traffic, I idly flipped through the pages. Then I took a peek at what was written. I took another peek. Finally, I pulled to the side of the road and read the entire manuscript. I could not put it down. It touched me deeply and profoundly. It’s a truly remarkable account of a mother’s love, and her journey of faith. I LOVED the story. – Steven Kaminski, film & television producer

I READ THE MANUSCRIPT in one sitting, aboard a plane heading for South Africa. What an easy and thought-provoking work. Very personal and heartfelt, to be sure. No mere book, this is a pure and honest outpouring of emotion, so genuine and so personal you will feel the writer’s least and greatest sufferings while sharing her journey to answer the monumental questions of life...and death. Don’t read this unless you want to know someone better than you know yourself. It’s that personal. And that honest. Life and death: One lurks ahead while the other is that time between now and then. Esther Luttrell takes you on a remarkably personal journey to reveal how the two are intertwined. – Paul Sirmons, film producer, former Florida Film Commissioner

I WAS UPLIFTED AS I read Esther’s journey to discover that her dear Dean is, indeed, not ‘lost’. Love is forever, life after life. Our dear ones don’t leave us. They watch over us, but not in judgment, just in pure love. – Sylvia. S. Colombo, author I Danced With Crazy Horse

"Dear Dean...Love, Mom is one book you won’t want to put down. Esther continues to help people who have lost a loved one, in a way that no one else can. Her words helped me accept my son’s recent death. If you have, or you know anyone who has, lost a loved one, the book must be read. I hope everyone will get the crystal clear message: Our loved ones are always with us." – Carole A. Ferrill, former State President, Florida Motion Picture & Television Association

"I HAVE BEEN MOVED TO tears and given hope by many books: Kidnapped, A Christmas Carol...but those are fiction. Esther’s book is a true account, written from the depths of her soul, and her poignant struggle to come to terms with Dean’s death. At times heart-rendering, at other times heart-warming, her emotional journey through her loss, to the realization of what it means, gives all us insight and hope for our own struggles, no matter what they may be. A gem of a book!" – Jo A. Hiestand, author of the MacLaren series

AT LAST, A BOOK I CAN whole-heartedly recommend to my counselees who are going through a grieving process, whether due to loss of a dear one or loss of income. This is far superior to a self-help book, for it reads like a fast-paced autobiographical novel. Besides being an exacting wordsmith, Luttrell is a messenger, not a teacher, as she points out. Her message needs to be read by anyone interested in living life more abundantly, and in knowing that life never ends. As a practicing metaphysician, I appreciate the messages she delivers, such as pointing out that, if you live your life for God, he will answer your prayers, but He will not think for you. The story the author weaves is an unraveling mystery of why her deceased son, Dean, keeps sending people to her who need what she has to offer. She knows the answer by end of the book—and so will the reader. – Michael Jamison, metaphysical teacher

I HAVE NEVER READ A more thoughtful and inspiring book. Being a researcher of the paranormal, I admire Esther’s courage in telling her story and, ultimately, allowing Dean to get his message across. Sometimes we are so skeptical we are blind to that which is right under our nose. Thankfully, Esther was open enough to see and understand what Dean was trying to tell her. Now we can all share in her very personal journey. Esther’s story gives me hope that my research in this field is not in vain. Robyn McKinney, President Paranormal Association of Research and Assistance

HOWEVER YOU MAY RESPOND, in terms of your own religious beliefs, to the miraculous elements in the story Esther tells in her book, it is hard to deny that, in the years since his death, her son has been an angel on her shoulder. Her book might seem the result of an active imagination to some, but she provokes you to think of experiences of your own that tend to prove the case. – Robert N. Lawson, former PhD, Professor of English, Washburn University

"HAVING JUST LOST A good friend and coworker, and being thrown into despair, I can’t imagine the anguish Esther felt losing her son at such a young and vital age. In this short book, she explores the meaning she has drawn from his death. I have always been amazed by her ability to reach out to so many others. With her son’s continued spiritual prodding, she has turned tragedy into a blessing. I am confident that Dear Dean...Love, Mom will help many turn their despair into expression." – Rick Maresker, former Communiversity Director, University of Missouri-Kansas City, Kansas City, MO

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH God? Why in the world would He EVER put a parent through the nightmare, the anguish, of losing a child? How, through the miracle of birth, could He give a mother His most precious gift, only to snatch it back, recalling it to the heavens as if it were some defective merchandise? What is wrong with God? Esther Luttrell lost her son. Did she grieve? Of course. Was she in pain? Of course. But what if, when the nest was empty, the bird continued to fly? What if life continued on the Other Side? Dear Dean...Love, Mom is Esther’s true-life encounter with her son after he crossed over. This journal of life-after-life is spellbinding and mysterious, but also hopeful and enchanting. What if God didn’t get it wrong? What if that miracle of life doesn’t end with death? What if the miracle of life continues? Esther is finally able to share her story with the world. Her ‘bird’ still flies ..."  -  Ken Rotcop, former film studio executive, award winning producer/writer

For my four angels

Todd, Dean, Brooke and Sydney Christina

Especially for Sydney who now knows how much she is loved

"So also you have sorrow now,

but I will see you again,

and your hearts will rejoice,

and no one will take your joy from you."

John 16:22

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

WHY IS IT THAT A THANK you seems so inadequate when the contribution of others is so very significant? I wish I could think of a better way to say it, but I can’t.

Carter and Teza Lord: You gave me a place to live when the pocket was empty, but the hopes were high. You gave me an ear to listen and a stern talking to when the spirits wilted. You two are what friendship is all about.

Helen Cleary: I hope I told it the way you remember it. We’ve sure been through it, haven’t we, girl? Roger would be proud of us.

Donald Gold: Ah, the hours of gold with the Don! Thank you for sharing those years of workshops and the long stories I must surely have bored you with. You’re the best.

Betty Laird: I aspire to write like you write. Thank you for being my precious editor, friend and cheerleader.

Dianne Hooper: I pray I related your chapter correctly. I understood when you said that, even after all these years, you just couldn’t read the pages I’d written about you and the children. Time does not heal, does it, darling? The only thing that happens with time is that more living crowds itself between today and the day we lost our dear ones. When the scab is pulled back a tad, the wound is still as fresh as the day it all began. I know.

Charles Guida’s family: The story of Charles’ father and the fig tree went deeper than anyone could possibly know. Thank you for letting me include it in this book.

Dianne Lawson: It was written in the stars, you said, and—as always—you were right. Thank you for your unwavering support and friendship.

Carrol, Rebecca, Joey and Betty Corn, Keith Jackson’s mom, Michael Herst, Jim Butler, Otto Oppenheimer, Jorge Chaar Cacha, Justin’s dad, the lady at the tomato bin in Mt. Dora: To all of you whose names I didn’t use in the incidents that involved you, I thank you for sharing experiences with me on our Godward journey.

Jack Diamond/Bruce Judd: God sent us to one another for a reason. You are surely the brother He intended me to have.

Duane Herrmann: Your advice, your broad shoulder to lean on, your edits, are so dearly appreciated. If Jack is my big earth brother, you are my baby brother in spirit. You are a jewel in the Baha’i crown.

Larry Luttrell: Our paths came together, joined for a time, and parted. I share our experiences between these pages with nothing but kind memories.

Bill and Judy Guggenheim: Hello From Heaven has blessed millions of readers. It also blessed, in a very special way, the father I’ve written about in these pages, a man filled with as much pain as it is possible for a father to bear. Thank you both for writing such a valuable book.

Lene Watson: Thank you for the precious story in Reel Magazine. It reached farther than the circulation of the magazine and touched more lives than you could ever have imagined when you wrote that Dean was an angel on her shoulder.

Kitty Lagorio: While your children’s books receive awards for excellence, I give you the highest marks anyone can give for compassion and understanding. Dean and Ian are surely friends in that Other Place, smiling down on our endeavors.

Rick Maraske: For nine wonderful years of Communiversity workshops on the University of Missouri-Kansas City campus, I thank you. Neither you nor I had any inkling about how many of those who attended were sent as a critical part of their own earth-mission. Thank you for giving us all a place for it to happen.

Larry Fruehauf: Thank you for letting me share the story of you and your beloved father in this book. I know it will touch others as deeply it touched me.

Minda Stephens: That basket filled with pasta, tomatoes and a $50 bill was what saved the day! You were a friend when I was a friend in need. God bless.

Jo Hiestand, writer superb, staunch supporter and cheerleader. You have the courage to always tell me the truth, which often results in a total rewrite!

Linda Duty, one of the most courageous women in God’s arsenal of angels. Thank you for the kind of support friends only pray for and seldom actually find. You are with your precious daughter, Maria, now and I am certain you’ve hugged my angels, too... Todd, Dean, Brooke and Sydney Christina.

Phil Kline who made so many things possible that were, without your generosity, impossible.

A special thanks to you, the reader, who picked up Dear Dean...Love, Mom in the hope of finding a way to heal your own hurt, or at least find some way of better understanding what it means to be on the Other Side. I’ve done my best to share my experiences, as they happened, as accurately as I know how, but they will mean little if they don’t serve you in some higher way. I feel certain that is what Dean had in mind.

Love and light,

Esther Luttrell

Topeka, Kansas

Winter 2019

DEAR DEAN,

I know you’ve wondered if I would ever understand what it is you’ve been trying to tell me since the day you crossed over. In my missing you, in my desperate search for answers, I was so busy shouting why, why, why that I couldn’t hear your clear voice. This book, honey, is my wholehearted effort to share your messages–when I finally shut up long enough to hear them. I pray my mind is open and receptive, and that I’m hearing you clearly. I pray my understanding is deep enough to grasp the significance of what I’m about to share, and that I do so with absolute truth, with no shadings from my imagination or from wishful thinking. I pray, too, that reason and good sense will prevail as I fill these pages, because to muddy the meaning of the book with fantasy would be to discredit everything I have learned since the day you set out on your journey.

I’m writing this, not so much in your memory as it is with your collaboration, though of course I do remember you, remember you every day, with all the love a mother’s heart can hold.

I’m listening now, precious. And I’m doing my best to tell it like it is on the Other Side...as you’ve told it to me...

In the Beginning

I’VE STARTED THIS BOOK many times over the years, but each time I stopped before I completed even the first chapter. The truth is, I was afraid to tackle it. When I asked myself why, I knew the answer, but I hated to admit it: I didn’t want to be labeled a kook. There, I said it. I don’t go to séances. I don’t read paranormal magazines. I believe there are ghosts among us, but I don’t care to read ghost stories. Gauzy figures materializing out of the dark bore me. I also don’t read science fiction. I have enormous interest in galaxies and the incredible mystery of it all, but none in battling spaceships and pointy-eared aliens. I think it’s only logical to accept that we are not the only intelligent life among trillions of planets. So there’s no one on the few closest to us. So what? Have you never seen a block with seven empty houses on it? It doesn’t mean that no one lives in the city.

When my son Dean died, I was torn every way a human can be torn, despite the fact I believe—no, I’m certain—that