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    One Love With Three Sides
    One Love With Three Sides
    One Love With Three Sides
    Ebook157 pages1 hour

    One Love With Three Sides

    By Dr Kobus Prinsloo

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    About this ebook

    One Love With Three SidesMarriage is a threefold relationshipKobus Prinsloo completed his theological studies at the University of Stellenbosch in 1979. Then he spent 28 years in the ministry on a permanent basis. Since then he has worked in various congregations on a semi-permanent basis. He has also worked as a pastoral therapist in this capacity. Already early on in his ministry he saw the great need for pastoral care. That inspired him to further his post-graduate studies in the field of pastoral therapy. He specialised in marriage and family relationships and completed his Ph D under the guidance of Professor Dirk Kotze at the University of the Orange Free State in 1999. This he did with the thesis ‘’A discourse on Narrative Pastoral Marriage Enrichment’’. Kobus is married to Erna and they have two children, Chrizelle and Jaco.The principles described in this book, are the product of his research into the field of marriage enrichment. It is equally important to know how to form sound relationships, as it is to restore broken relationships. The premise of this work is to enable married couples to form healthy relationships and to maintain those relationships for the rest of their lives.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDr Kobus Prinsloo
    Release dateApr 15, 2019
    ISBN9780463507179
    One Love With Three Sides

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      Book preview

      One Love With Three Sides - Dr Kobus Prinsloo

      A Testimony

      A few years ago, our relationship was filled with tension and neither of us felt valued. We were truly in a very negative space.

      Ons twee is drie, the previous edition of this manual, however assisted us to again focus on the positive aspects in each other and took us on a trip down memory lane, that we again saw the good things in each other and could appreciate each other for who we were as individual people.

      The concept of the two of us are three was a great revelation to us. For the first time in seventeen years of married life, we realised that there actually is a third person in our marriage, namely our relationship itself. This helped both of us to look at our marriage with new eyes and we realised that we should devote as much time to our relationship as we do to ourselves. Actually, our relationship should always be the most important person in our marriage. Since we have started applying this principle our marriage has improved so much.

      It would be truly more than a worthwhile endeavour for any married couple to work through this manual. For us it was the best investment ever. We believe that it was a Godly intervention and that this manual was instrumental in saving our marriage. It enabled us to totally turn our marriage around and again become a healthy, happy marriage in which we both find fulfilment.

      We will always thank God that he reached out his hand to us through Dr Kobus.

      And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness ….. 2 Cor 3:18a

      Riaan and Ilze van Rensburg

      A Review

      Through this book, Dr Prinsloo offers a very important contribution to understanding relationships. The most important contribution is the externalising of the relationship, the view that two people in the relationship are creating a third person, namely their relationship. The benefit of this is that the understanding of the relationship and the conversation about the relationship are removed from the level of the individual; the I and you. This results in the right or wrong of the matter, the so-called truth, no longer being important.

      Of more importance, is the viewpoint of each one, their needs and values and understanding the impact it has on the relationship. How a good relationship can be constructed by both parties together, is discussed in a very practical way. The focus is on the start of the relationship (Marriage Preparation, Part 2), the relationship itself (Relationship Growth, Part 4), as well as restoration of the relationship (Marriage Restoration, Part 3) after the relationship has been damaged.

      Thank you for this invaluable contribution, Kobus. It will most certainly also be used in my practice.

      Deon Binneman

      Registered Psychological Counsellor

      Table of Contents

      A Testimony

      A Review

      Overview of the Book

      Introduction

      Part 1 What is a Healthy Marriage?

      Chapter 1 Image Bearers of God

      Created as image bearers of God

      Our love relationship is a creation of God

      Summary

      Discussion

      Chapter 2 A New Beginning

      Alternative stories

      God becomes a human being

      A new Kingdom

      Summary

      Discussion

      Chapter 3 We Love Each Other, But Differ So Much

      The story of my life

      Two authors, one story

      Can we control each other?

      Our truth

      We do not see what we do not see

      Summary

      Discussion

      Chapter 4 Marriage – One Love With Three Sides

      What is a healthy marriage?

      As we think, so we live

      Graphic presentation of a healthy marriage

      A healthy marriage consists of three persons

      I focus in on the needs of my partner

      Can we change each other?

      Together we build our relationship

      Our relationship cares for the personal needs of each one

      Summary

      Discussion

      Chapter 5 Our Relationship

      What does our relationship consist of?

      Our Values and Principles

      Unique attributes of each one

      Our unity

      Summary

      Discussion

      Part 2 Marriage Preparation

      Chapter 6 Start Well

      Why do we have to discuss the questions?

      Conversation on Chapter 1

      Conversation on Chapter 2

      Conversation on Chapter 3

      Conversation on Chapter 4

      Conversation on Chapter 5

      Part 3 Marriage Restoration

      Chapter 7 A Dull Mirror

      We look, but we do not always see

      The problem

      I have been hurt

      Tug-of-war

      The thing between us

      The swamp

      Say farewell to "the thing"

      Forgive each other

      A new beginning

      A new relationship

      Part 4 Marriage Growth

      Chapter 8 Love Never Dies

      For enduring growth in marriage

      Conversation on Chapter 1

      Conversation on Chapter 2

      Conversation on Chapter 3

      Conversation on Chapter 4

      Conversation on Chapter 5

      Endnotes

      Introduction

      The goal of this self-help manual is to encourage marriage partners to have a continuing conversation about their marital relationship – a conversation about the successes of their marriage and the good points they find in each other and for them to identify the positive elements of their relationship and to focus on those elements as the dominant story in their marital relationship. Through the means of this conversation the couple then develops a lifestyle in which they can complement the good aspects, and learn how they can adapt their own contribution to the relationship to benefit the relationship, their partner and themselves.

      In many cases the marriage just ‘’happens’’, without the couples having real conversions about what they experience in the relationship, often because people are not in the habit of doing so or because they would rather avoid an honest and frank conversation about their marriage. Often the fears people have are unfounded and they surprise themselves when they risk talking openly to each other about their marriage. This hesitation to talk openly about the marital relationship often derives from the misconception that if you talk about the marriage, it will be about the mistakes you have made. Nobody likes to be told where they have failed – especially not in their marriage.

      In this conversation about our relationship we do not talk about ‘’mistakes’’ or ‘’failures’’. We do not discuss each other, but we talk about our own experience regarding our relationship and then from the experience of my partner of the relationship I can discover what I can do differently to improve his or her experience of our relationship. At the same time each one discovers his or her own ‘’failings’’ and can then choose how to improve on that, without prescribing to the other one what and how the other one should be and should change. In doing so the fear that a conversation about our marital relationship would be a conversation about all my ‘’failings’’ as a marriage partner disappears.

      The primary goal of this conversation is to identify the facets of your relationship that work well, to build on those and to use the successes to cultivate a lifestyle in which the good aspects of your relationship are complimented and improved.

      Another reason why people often avoid a conversation about their marriage is because they are under the impression that they

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