Alexandra Ingebritson Doctor Mathews Ethical Issues 30 day retreat - Last 6 journals

11th Day My list of hateful negati!e co""ents fro" inside "y head# -$hy won%t she shut u&' -(he needs to cal" down) -I%ll ne!er be able to get all this wor* done before class co"es) -I%" a horrible student for not doing this right away) -$hat idiot slee&s through her alar"' +h yeah "e, -I%" not as good of a clarinet &layer as the others) -I should change "y "ajor I%" no good at this) -I%" gaining weight and a" starting to loo* ugly)

-oday I wrote down "ost of the negati!e co""ents that were said in "y "ind throughout the day) -hese were at least the ones I could re"e"ber but I *now there was "uch "ore that was said in "y "ind) -he "ore I thoughts that I labeled as negati!e co""ents the "ore that I reali.ed how "uch of a negati!e &erson I can be) /ut then I thought are these !oices really co"ing fro" "e' My first reaction was 0+f course they are it%s not li*e I ha!e another &erson inside of "y head,1 /ut that%s the thing I%!e let other &eo&le get inside "y head they%!e beco"e such a big &art of "e that I%!e acce&ted their thoughts and attitudes as "y own) 2esterday I didn%t e!en thin* of changing "y "ajor I lo!e "usic, E!en now I feel this way but in the "o"ent I was so frustrated at "y &laying I let it ta*e o!er "y thoughts)

12th Day -oday I *e&t on telling "yself that 0I a" doing a great job1) I said this o!er and o!er e!en when I didn%t thin* it was all that true) I said it at ti"es when I "issed a note or line in band rehearsal when I was wal*ing to class when I did ho"ewor* during "y "ath lab I%" e!en saying it to "yself now as I write this journal entry) -he "ore I said it the "ore I belie!ed this) -hen a do"ino effect started) -he "ore I belie!ed it the ha&&ier and "ore o&ti"istic I got so then I actually wor*ed harder and was able to do a better job as the day went on) -his re"inded "e of the techni3ue that if you%re ha!ing a bad day then start s"iling e!en when you%re sad) It starts to tric* your "ind into thin*ing you%re ha&&y thus releasing che"icals li*e do&a"ine in your brain to "a*e you really ha&&y) +nce I started to belie!e that I was really doing a good job I was able to actually do a good job) /y the end of band rehearsal I was &laying "ore in tune had a better tone and hit all the notes because of this "entality I &ut "yself in)

13th Day I%" al"ost halfway through the 30 day retreat and I%" starting to notice so"e things) -hese !oices that I%!e dee"ed not to be "ine are starting to get a bit feisty in their own way) -hey are starting to notice that they are lose control of "y "ind and it%s *illing the", During "y "editation they try to distract "e with worries of the day or future they gi!e "e urges to fidget they e!en &ut thoughts into "y head saying things li*e 0-his is stu&id I shouldn%t ha!e to do this)1 0I could sto& now and just say I did the "editation)1 or 0I%" wasting "y ti"e doing this)1 I don%t fall to the !oices te"&ting "e to sto& the "editation I ha!e learned to ignore those but I a" still struggling with the fidgeting) I get rando" itches on "y bac* or I feel the need to fix a hair that is out of &lace) -his and letting "y "ind wander to that day%s or to"orrows troubles and stress is "y biggest issue right now)

14th Day -oday I decided to ta*e a longer way bac* to "y dor" by wal*ing the boardwal* instead of si"&ly ta*ing the shuttle) I%!e always found nature &eaceful es&ecially bac* at ho"e and I recalled "y &rofessor telling us in a lecture that nature has strong healing &owers) (o I decided to do this for "yself today) It was &erfect it was sunny but slightly cloudy so it was not burning hot while I wal*ed bac* to "y dor") /y the ti"e I got bac* to "y roo" I noticed that "y "ind was 3uiet just nice and &eaceful al"ost as if it was "irroring the &eaceful nature) I was in a better "ood than I had been that entire "orning and I had a better o&ti"istic !iew on the rest of the day ahead of "e) I started to wonder why I had not decided to try this before it%s already "ore than 4 "onths into the se"ester) (o I then decided that when weather &er"its I would try to ta*e a nice 3uieter "ore &eaceful route ho"e in nature)

15th Day -oday I was able to be "ore aware of "y different sub&ersonalities) -hese are the different !oices in "y head that "ay be judg"ental critici.ing u&lifting etc) I recogni.ed a &articular one that was extre"ely judg"ental towards "e in a harsh way) $hen I would go to &lay clarinet each ti"e I heard this sub&ersonality say things li*e 02ou%re not going to "a*e it here)1 02ou *ee& on screwing u&)1 or 0-hey are so "uch better than you)1 I used to listen to this &articular sub&ersonality but lately I%" learning not to) I still *now it%s there and ac*nowledge it but it doesn%t effect "e it%s li*e it%s tal*ing to a wall) I%" trying to su&&ress this sub&ersonality but I%" not sure if it will e!er go away) I wonder if it e!er will disa&&ear fro" "y "ind)

16th Day -oday I was able to s&ea* with "y 0"entor1) I li*e to thin* of her as an alternate &ositi!e ego of

"yself) I as*ed her to hel& lift "e u& because e!en though I%" ta*ing so "any strides in this 30 day retreat I%" still struggling in other areas) (he felt li*e a "other to "e and the way we s&o*e was !ery si"ilar to s&ea*ing with "y conscience) 5ere%s what she said 02ou really are doing a good job I *now you are struggling and stressing with the co"&etiti!e $ind +rchestra but thin* bac* to a year ago))) 2ou were ner!ous that you would e!en get into a school of "usic in college) /ut loo* at you now, 2ou%re in A6D are a /b 7larinet in the to& wind ense"ble,1 (he was right this "ade "e thin* of how far I%!e co"e) I didn%t let this boost "y ego at all but it eased a bit of the stress I ha!e right now)