RAPELAIRON

apunnyfarce
bySandraDermark
16thofApril2014

Dramatispersonae
Gerhard
RenatemiddleagedGermantourists,married
Carlos,ayoungwaiter

(AnoutdoorrestaurantinanEasternSpanishresort,onasummerevening.Inthebackground,
thetealblueMediterraneanandavolleyballcourt.GerhardandRenatearesittingatthetable.
EnterCarlos.)

Carlos:Good...goodevening,mister...andmissis...Wewilldothebestwecantopleaseour...
clients.
Gerhard:Clients?(laughs)(ToGerhard)Funnypeople,theseSpaniards.
Renate:Thesunheatstheirbloodanddriestheirbrains.Orsoitseems.(Shetakesupher
menu)ThismenuiswrittenonlyinSpanish!(handsitovertoCarlos)Youngman,wouldyoube
sokindasiftotranslateourmenus?
Carlos:IntoEnglish?I'monlystudyingEnglishatuniversity,andIdon'tspeakyourown
language...missis...(hetakesthemenu)OK.Forenterers,wehaveourspecialtyofthehouse:
BRAVEPOTATOES!(asheblurtsoutthesewords,hevehementlydoesthe"Wecandoit!"
gesture)Ourbravepotatoesdon'thavecomparison,fromCadaquestoGibraltar!
Gerhard:Bravepotatoes?
Carlos:BRAVEPOTATOES!And,ifyouwantsomethingsofter,Irecommendourgreen
Jewesses.Theycanbelaalittlegarlicorwithlittletacksofham.ThingreenJewesses.
Renate(toGerhard):He'sjustslightlyeccentric,andthat'sall.
Carlos:Russiansalad?OctopuslaGalician?Orclamslaladysailor,perhaps?Freshclams,
freshoutofthelodge,thebestonesrecentlypickedinourownblueMediterranean...Aregional
dishofours,clamslaladysailor.BestclamstherearefromCadaquestoGibraltar!
Gerhard(toRenate):"laladysailor?"Whatdoeshemeananyway?
Renate:Spanishquirks,dear.Spanishquirks.
Carlos:Wehavebreadcrumbs,aCastiliandish,notsocommononthecoast.Breadcrumbs,
withfriedeggsandlardandmanyotherthings.
Renate:Breadcrumbs.That'soriginal...
Carlos(vehemently):Andbrokeneggswithham,andmelonwithham,andoneofmyfavourite
dishes:revolvedwithprawns.Anotherspecialtyofthehouse,it'sbasicallyeggsandprawns
revolvedaroundinafryingpan.Ourprawnsarealsorecentlyfished,andalloureggsarefrom
freehens.
Gerhard:Freehens...Youngman,that'sawisechoiceyoursuperiorsmake.
Renate:Iwonderifyouactuallyhavepastaonthemenu,youngman.That'stheonlywordI
couldmakeonthatmenu...
Carlos(vehemently):Wehavepastaonthemenu,missis!Thespecialtyofthehouseispennis.
Gerhard(scared):Pen...nis...(staresatRenate)
Carlos:Pennis.It'slikemacarons,moreorless.Wehavepennisalpesto,wemakeourown
pesto,andthat'swhyit'ssogood...(vehemently)Andwehavepennislaenraged,onlyforthe
braveones!
Gerhard(toRenate,whispering):Didthisladactuallysay"penis?"
Renate:Pennis.
Carlos:Asforthemeat...notsotraditionalinthisregion,butIrecommendtheIberianquarry.
Renate(toGerhard):Don'tyouthinkthisladspeaksgoodEnglish?
Carlos:It'sexpensive,soifyouwantsomethingmoreeconomic,Irecommendthecheatsheets
ofpig.Wehavecheatsheetsoflambtoo.Andthelittleelbowisnotbadeither.Wealsohavethis
Andalusiandish,oldclothing.It'speckedcowmeatwithpotatoesandonionsandothersuch
things.
Gerhard:Peckedcow...Nothanks.Thisismoreofafishregion,sowhatkindoffishdoyou
have?
Carlos:Freshfish,freshlyfishedfromourblueMediterranean!Irecommendallofourfishla
iron.
Renate(toGerhard):Doneonanironplate,Isuppose.
Carlos:Wehavegoldenladylairon.Delicious.
Gerhard:Soundslikeanexoticnameforafish.
Carlos:Andwehavemare,anexquisitefishlairon.
Gerhard:Pardonme,youngman,didyoubychancesay"mare"?
Carlos:Yes,mister.Mare.Thismareisafish,notahorse.Mare,fish.Irecommenditlairon.
Renate:Afishcalledmare...
Carlos:Androosterlaironisadeliciousfishtoo.
Renate:Rooster...afish...TheseSpaniardsaresomewhateccentric,honey...Youngman,
wouldyoupleaserecommendthespecialtyofthehouseintermsoffish.
Carlos:Indeed,missis.Ourfishspecialtyis...(vehemently)RAPE!!
(Renatefaints.Gerhard,scared,turnspale)
Carlos(soothingthem):What'ssoscary,misterandmissis?Rapeisawonderfulandexquisite
fish.It'stypicalofthisregion,andithasveryfewspines.Rapelaironisacommonlyrequested
specialtyofthehouse.Rapelairon.Or,aswesayhereinSpain,"rapealaplancha".
(Gerhardsighs,Renatecomesto,andCarlosremainswatchingthem).
Gerhard:Thefishiscalledrape.Wecan'tblamehimforthat,butratherblametheSpanish
language.
Carlos:Andnowforourposters.Insummer,afavouriteisalwaysourartisaniced,madein
Jijona,inAlicanteprovince!Wehaveicedofchocolate,icedofvanilla,icedofstrawberry,icedof
yourrhum...whichisnotrhum,butratheralmondsandhoney...andthemostpopularone,iced
ofthornMoor.
Renate:Ice..."thornMoor"soundslikeaflowerorberry...Youngman,arethereanymore
interestingsweetsaroundhere?
Carlos:SpeakingofthornMoor,ourthornMoorcakeisdelicious.AndsoisthethornMoor
marmaladeofour(vehemently)ARMOFGYPSY!
Gerhard:Arm...(toRenate)WhydoIthinkthelawinSpaindoesn'tsayanythingabout
cannibalism?
Carlos:Armofgypsy,armoftruffleifyoupreferchocolate.Friedmilkisaratherpopularsweet,
butI'dratherrecommendlittlelardofsky.
Renate:Lardofsky...(toGerhard)Whatifitreallyfallsfromthesky?
Carlos:Asforpastry,I'vealreadyspokenofourarms,butourovensproduceothernicepastries
likeonethousandleaves,drunkenspongecakes,androoftileswithalmonds.
Gerhard(toRenate):Drunkensponge...that'swithliquorforsure.Rooftiles...(looksuptothe
roof)
Carlos:And,ifyouwanttostayinform,fruitofthetime.
Gerhard(toCarlos):Fruitofthetime?Couldyoupleaseexplain?
Carlos:Itdependsoftheseason.Insummer,wehavepeachesandfrogskinmelon.
Renate:Butfirstthingsfirst.Couldyoupleasetelluswhatkindofdrinksyouhavetooffer?
Carlos:Todrink,wehaveFreeCuba,Margaret,sunandshade...thoughafewbeersmaybe
moreappropiateatthishour.
GerhardandRenate:Beers.
Renate:Finally,somethingweallunderstand.
Gerhard:I'mratherthirstymyself.Couldyoupleasetelluswhatkindofbeersyouhave?
Carlos:IfyouwantSpanish...WehaveSaintMichael,wehaveCrossfieldandwehaveEagle
Amstel.
Gerhard:TwoAmstels,please.
Carlos(writingonhisPDA):TwoEagleAmstel..."dosdeguilamstel"...Whichsize?
Renate:WhichsizesdoyouhaveinSpain?
Carlos:Youcanhaveacane.Acaneisaglass,athinglasslikeacane.Youcanalsohavea
private.Aprivateisalittlebottle.OraFlemishRegiment,whichisthebigbottle.
Gerhard:AFlemishRegiment,please.
Renate:Andaprivateforme,please.
Carlos(writingonhisPDA):"Untercio...unquinto."
Renate:Twoclams,please.
Carlos(writingonhisPDA):"Dosdealmejas."
Gerhard(worried,toRenate):ShouldwetakeTHAT?
Renate(soothing,toGerhard):Ijustthoughtso.
GerhardandRenate(unison):Tworapelairon,please!
Carlos(writingonhisPDA):"Dosderapealaplancha."(toGerhardandRenate):Butfirstcome
yourbeers(heleaves).