Simorgh Magazine Issue 66 Sept. 2014

613- 366-2278
66

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Publisher: Simorgh Publication
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Editor: Shahriar Ayoubzadeh
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45
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
their environment;
Following Kahlil Gibrans
counsel in The Prophet,
communitarian values but
also individual identity,
what he calls spaces in
togetherness where family
members stand together
yet not too near together;
Openness to problem
solving around family
difficulties and challenges;
Personal
responsibility
and accountability both for
parents and for children;
Permission for everyone to
make mistakes as part of
the growth process; and
Forgiveness
and
reconciliation when hurt
occurs.

Dysfunction
families
create
the
cover-up
when
the
message
is
always:
1. Power and control helps
one avoid being a victim;
2. Making mistakes leads to
humiliation or ridicule;
3. Personal thoughts and
feelings dont count;
4. Blame others especially
if you want to protect
yourself;
5. Always be on guard;
6. Your needs will never be
fulfilled; and
7. Constantly keep banging
your head up against the
wall.
Such are some of the
messages and experiences both
of functional and dysfunctional
family systems. It is estimated that
between 80-95% of families in
North America are dysfunctional!
The
poisonous
pedagogy
constantly teaches that adults are
the masters of the universe and
children are dependent on them for
everything. Thus, it is important
to break a childs will to show
them whos in charge! Parents, of
course, must always be seen as
right. In this way a child learns
that love comes from duty and
compliance, even blind obedience.
Making children tough (through
physical or threatening discipline)
will make them effective as they
become adults! And above all,
having strong feelings is always a
no-no. Be afraid to be yourself.
In Part III I am going to
discuss the answer to a question
many of you may be asking,
When were small children, how
do we typically cope with such
dysfunctional dynamics? First,
I will identify many of the main
strategies we learn early in life to
66
cope with a dysfunctional family
system. Ironically, the upside is that
those adult-children find healing by
going into the problem (or pain),
going through it, and coming out of
it. They are often thankful because
their personal transformative
journey brought them to who
they really are. In that way, they
have genuinely fallen in love with
themselves and as a result are then
able to love others. Transformation
has helped them shift from their
state of egocentricity what
Catherine of Sienna (1347-1380)
called the cloud of selfishness,
that is, seeing themselves as the
centre of the universe to a state of
ex-centricity by getting them to see
outside of themselves and into
healthy relationships with others.
Truly one loves others by first
loving oneself. It is uncovering the
soul (or person) of who we are that
we start to become all that we were
meant to be (Calling) by seeking
and choosing those wonderful gifts
from creation all around us (Quest)
and by having a healthy story to
tell (Story).
Michael
E-mail: worthplace@gmail.com
Mobile: (613) 898-7733
46
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Further examination showed them that going

along with societys rules consciously or otherwise
or those of their families made life less painful than
always standing up for themselves or having their own
voice. This double-edged sword also meant, though,
that they also traded off pieces of their true self
(feelings and thoughts). Thus, being an addict is not
necessarily only around substance abuse but involves
patterns of behaviour we adopt for what we believe
are survival reasons as a child and later by seductions
from societys advertising and marketing. When such
addictive, codependent and attachment behaviours
make life increasingly painful for us, three options are
before us: flight, fight, and problem solving. Sadly,
the pain often forces us to be codependent with those
around us (flight) or to turn our anger and frustration in
not being ourselves (fight) into addictive behaviours.
In either case, both flight and fight options often begin
with simple attachments which then grow into fullblown codependent relationships and addictions to
negative and costly behaviours and substances (Figure
2).
Figure 1: Flight-Fight Syndrome
The solution: confronting and working

through the cover-up of the original pain that overlaid
our soul, our person easier said that done, of course.
This cover-up was a protective measure at first when
we were children because any kind of rebellion or
confrontation with those around us (parents) was
simply just too scary. For some children, burying their
feelings or taking flight from their true self seemed
47
much more feasible but it also meant that they became

codependent with those around them by becoming
who parents wanted us to be (good little girls and
boys), or we became addicts through acting out (anger,
destroying property, etc.) to distract us from the pain
of not being true to ourselves (thoughts and feelings).

Until someone later (a teacher, perhaps the police,
etc.) helped us sort out these dynamics we grew up and
perpetuated the roles. In an earlier series I wrote about
the Relationship Matrix a hypothetical couple
with these (exaggerated) dysfunctions and called
them Princess Yuk (flight) married to Prince Macho
(fight); or the flip side, Dragon Lady (fight) married to
Little Boy Blue (flight). Irrespective of the role titles,
such roles are a formula for disaster or, at minimum,
a formula for living a life-long relationship of misery.
You may be asking: what are some of the qualities of
functional family systems? I have numbered up to 7 of
these qualities below. A functional family fosters
1. Serving individuals in the family, not vice
versa;
2. Openness to express appropriate thoughts
and feelings. Appropriate means teaching
children how to respond, not simply react, to
66
48
66
of us is an interconnected journey.
Connectedness breaks the cycle of
dysfunction because it also breaks
the code and cycle of silence.
Explanation of Life as Story
We all have a story to tell.
That story, as I came to see over
the years, was the fruit, so to speak,
of what we were meant to be and
do and what we felt we should
be and do. Nothing drastic at this
point. The trouble begins when
the discrepancy or cognitive
dissonance, as psychologists call it
between what I call our Calling
and our Quest becomes jarring
or problematic. When that happens
we know on some level that we
must follow a certain path to be
true to ourselves (Calling) but we
also want our own way as we see
it (Quest) irrespective. Our Story is
the result of this interplay between
Calling and Quest. For some it
takes years to figure out what each
means in their lives. They want one
thing (success or money, etc.) but
they know on another level that
something is missing, that there is
something more that is needed
but they dont know what that is.
One of the best ways to
begin sorting out the stumbling
blocks to unlocking the true self
49
our soul or personhood is to reflect

on the notion of family systems and
the enormous problems that can
emerge from what psychologist
Alice Miller (1923-2010) called
the poisonous pedagogy that
many families teach and pass on to
their children. Its not without merit
that the Jewish scriptures speak to
the passing on of dysfunctions to
the third and fourth generations
(Numbers 14:18). Sad to say, it
is when the hurt with someones
Story is strong enough that they
will seek out help. Pain can be a
catalyst for seeking help and for
new growth.
A family is a system with
interrelating parts. Like a mobile
over a babys bed, if you touch
one piece of the mobile the whole
mobile goes into motion. This
happens also within a family
system; we could almost call it
a family mobile! Drs. Kelly
Nemeck and Marie Coombs point
out that a family is a microcosm of
society, its culture and subcultures.
To know a society is to know the
family structure. A dysfunctional
society and family reinforce
each other. In that sense there is
collusion between society and the
family system because we, in our
families, live in society. What is
known as the zeitgeist (the spirit
of the times) or social character

has tremendous influence on how
we think and feel. Unknowingly
we embrace societys trends. I
used to have respectful, but heated,
discussions with my students, for
example, when I would ask them,
Is Nike paying you to wear those
running shoes you have on (or
jackets or t-shirts, etc.)? I told
them that Nike was getting free
advertising from them, spreading
the Nike word, for example. That
goes for all other brands as well.
They would say they had no choice
but to wear a brand of something
or other. My point was that they
must do so consciously, not simply
go along with the crowd. It was at
this point that they realized that,
though young, they werent as
free as they claimed to be. The
social character or zeitgeist had
a much deeper claim on them.
Such an awareness allowed us to
examine dysfunctional beliefs
Millers poisonous pedagogy that
had already been unconsciously
implanted in them by society and
often reinforced by their families.
In short, eventually they owned up
to a more or less degree of addiction
or codependency or attachment to
societies rules and to the family
rules learned in and reinforced by
their families.
UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP:

Healing Through Insight, Courage,
Action (ICA)
from Addiction, Codependency and
Attachment
Dr. Michael Rock
Licensed Emotional Intelligence Facilitator
Professor (ret.), Human Relations and Ethics
Simorgh Magazine, September 2014
PART II
We are all wounded somehow or another. We travel

a journey to wholeness. Were not there yet; were in
via, on the way. This in-between zone and time is
called life. In Part I (August 2014) we discussed the
woundedness that is part of each of us. W.C. Fields
(1880-1946), the comedian, used to say that were
not getting out alive! He got that one correct. The
final wound is death. Thats not a negotiable item.
What is under our control more or less are the choices
we can make with the in-between time between birth
and death. It is possible to become more and more
66
conscious of our true identity, our true destiny, and

how best to navigate the human journey. In an another
article I discussed a triangle-shaped image of how I
began to see the human journey after story upon story
unfolded before me with my students and when people
shared the ups-and-downs of their lives in counselling
sessions. That image is portrayed in Figure 1 below,
Life as Story.
What I want to do in this article is describe some of the
key stumbling blocks so that our story is a healthy one.
The major stumbling block to a healthy life story is
succumbing to the forces of addictions, codependency,
and attachments (ACA) that can seduce us along the
way. As we saw in Part I, the seductions take us away
from the main purpose of the human journey in the
first place: to become all that we can become or, as
Carl Jung referred to it, individuation. Anything short
of that can be benign at best, deadly at worst. In either
case we are not being who we are meant to be. I call
that journey ones soul journey or becoming the
person that Life wants for us. We cant live another
persons life (although many try) because we cannot
live out of the psychological pocket of others. We
must be ourselves and develop the insight, courage and

action (ICA) to make that happen. Often people need
outside help. The journey to wholeness for each one
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613- 366-2278

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP

(structural analysis and balancing)

(a branch of Osteopathic manipulation, very gentle)

Conditions commonly addressed:

FREE use of Infrared sauna

249 North River Rd.

Tel: (613) 291-6132

Persian Lunch Buffet

Kanata: 11:00am - 2:00pm

Dine In, Take Out, Delivery

DINE IN TAKE OUT DELIVERY

613 -270 - 8866 Kanata

Dine In, Take Out, Delivery

Commissioner of Oath/Notary Public

)Behzad A. Rezai (Bobby Bar

185 Somerset Street West Suite 305

185 Somerset Street West Suite 305

OFFICE SPACE FOR RENT

A&M Dreams INC Professional building

tel: (613) 261-1356

107-250 Centrum Blvd.

Cell: (613) 617-8115

Signs Banners Graphic Design Business Cards

381 Kent Street Suite 325

Dr. Maryam Hassanzadeh

Book Online: www.kentchiromed.com

Listen to us on internet or your mobile device around the world

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP

Further examination showed them that going

Figure 1: Flight-Fight Syndrome

The solution: confronting and working

much more feasible but it also meant that they became

of not being true to ourselves (thoughts and feelings).

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP

our soul or personhood is to reflect

of the times) or social character

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP:

We are all wounded somehow or another. We travel

conscious of our true identity, our true destiny, and

must be ourselves and develop the insight, courage and

ARYA FOOD MARKET

Radio Parvaz 97.9 FM

Arts Body Shop

Dr. Maryam Hasanzadeh

FREE CLASSIFIED ADS

Immigration Canada 613-238-5462

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