Simorgh Magazine Issue 67 Oct 2014.

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67

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Publisher: Simorgh Publication
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Editor: Shahriar Ayoubzadeh
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Marketing & Advertising:
Helen Asad
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Website Coordinator
Azin Akbari
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Pagination, Graphic Design:
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Uncovering the Cover up
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Copyright 2009-2014 Simorgh Magazine
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some kind becomes the option (substance

abuse, person, relationship, activity). The
U.N. refers to addiction as life-damaging behaviour; sadly, sometimes death is its only
result something we saw too vividly with
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Mobile: 1 613 898 7733

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46
as alive and real. For a parent to hurt the doll by

kicking it is the same to the child as if the child were
kicked. An angry boss who projects negatively is typically blaming employees for mistakes even though
the boss may have set up and created a no-win situation in the workplace.
4.
Dissociation. This occurs when a child is so
abused, for example, that they space out and dissociate themselves from what is going on to minimize the
hurt or even its memory. They split off their feelings
from the event itself.
5.
Displacement. Although a child may dissociate their feelings from the event these same feelings
do not go away; they get displaced. A child whom I
knew and who had traumatic experiences with his father first dissociated from the events but then began to
live them out in nightmare where rockets and roaring
trains were going through him in the middle of the
night. His mother would be awakened by his screams,
run into his room, and throw herself physically over
him and remind him that he was safe. The nightmares
were very real to him. With constant good parenting,
as he grew older, the nightmares left him because he
began to feel safe.
6.
Depersonalization. This is an ego defence
strategy that the child employs which tells them that
they are simply an object to be discarded if necessary.
They also lose a connectedness with their feelings
to their external world. If depersonalization tells the
child that they dont really exist, what is called derealisation says that even outside reality does not exist.
7.
Conversion. A good example of conversion
occurs when a child changes a shameful or forbidden
feeling into one that is more acceptable. Teenagers
will do this by converting their need for intimacy by
mistaking it for sexual activity. I love you comes to
mean I want to have sex with you.
8.
Identification. Most of us have heard of the
Stockholm syndrome, sometimes called capturebonding. It refers to the identification of a victim with
their captor, even feeling empathy for the person! Its
47
a survival strategy that the person becomes convinced

of. The victim and the abuser bond together. When a
child does this, its for self-protection and to feel powerful just like the parent.
Before moving on to Part IV it is important to add
some encouraging words for those who realize that
they want to discover and uncover the cover-up in
their lives the issue dealing with abandonment, its
psychology of egocentricity and its unsuccessful addictive, codependent and attachment solutions that
were the best available at the time they were young but
which are now not only outdated but personally damaging. I have used the word persona in writing these
articles. A persona is a role we play. That can be a good
thing as long as a person knows when and how to take
off their persona (teacher, manager, etc.) and just be
themselves. The problem with addiction, codependency and attachment is that the individual becomes
locked into a person, e.g., member of a gang, Mr.
Tough-Guy, etc., and is unable to be free of it. Their
identity is bound up with the persona that society and/
or family have held out to them. If the man becomes
a Mr. Tough-Guy (Prince Macho), a woman may become Ms. Goody Two-Shoes (Princess Yuk). Both
personas are dysfunctional and defenses again real
feeling. Its obvious to see how such a state of being
locked-in can lead to physical abuse, alcohol abuse,
etc., because when a person feels trapped (the Victim
role), they do what they can to get free. I mentioned
acting-out behaviors earlier. These can include rage,
contempt, abusive power and control, arrogance, envy
(the Persecutor Role), or rescuing others, pleasing others, looking after everybody (the Rescuer Role).
Transactional Analysis talks about people have
scripts, sometimes known as life-plans unconsciously picked up by children and lived out unknowingly.
There is debate as to whether they are five or six major
life scripts: Please Me/Others! Be Perfect! Be Strong!
Try Hard! Hurry Up! Be Careful! Each of these life
scripts leads to more and more hurt and away from being true to oneself. The Be Perfect are trying to live
up to an impossible target of always wanting to be perfect. Of course, its just crazy-making! Because these
scripts are impossible to fulfill, addictive behaviour of
48
their narcissistic deprivation, then the passing on of

the psychosocial dysfunctions to the third and fourth
generations occurs (Numbers 14:18). Parents who
are healthy emotionally are able to provide healthy
responses to their child, for example, their need for
safety, to be touched, to be trusted, to be predictable,
to have guidance. When such needs are neglected or
not acknowledged, the child literally realizes that they
are on their own, alienated from others but especially
alienated from themselves. They never learn to know,
yet alone accept, who they truly are. Their Calling,
as we diagrammed in Part I, is trampled on, distorted
by their family environment, and they are left floundering. And thirdly, abuse of any kind (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and mental) dislocates the child
from connecting with their inner child. The pain of
dislocation is simply too enormous and so the outer
violence is turned against themselves, especially with
feelings of unhealthy shame. However each child internalizes the shame, they are left feeling that they are
bad, not loveable, and that no one is or will be there
for them in case they need help. They are totally isolated just like Pelosi not as a young adult but as a
small baby or child. An incredible injury and trauma.
The child begins to hide from their true self because
simply being me is too painful to live. The coverup begins. A self divided against its self emerges a
nice child (the flight effect) and/or the angry child
(the fight effect). One child acts in the pain, the other child acts out the pain. Neither child is free. Our
hope is that this false self (fight or fight) will grow
up as the years go on with the help of a trusted person. Its a painful process but also a liberating one for
it means that one can me oneself.
Unhealthy Survival Strategies
Freud was correct: we protect ourselves with strategies that he called defense mechanisms, techniques
that we believe will minimize our feelings of anxiety
and pain. Its important to point out that the following
defense mechanism some of which can be helpful in
an emergency block out feeling bad because of the
intense pain the inner child experiences. As you read
along, mentally check off the one or ones still active
49
in an unhealthy way to a great extent in your life today

and see if you can trace it (or them) back to any childhood pain.
1.
Fantasy bonding. This occurs when a child
denies that the trauma is occurring and switches to
creating an illusion of connectedness because no connectedness means death. Because the trauma of disconnectedness is so real and painful, the child creates an
illusion, a fantasy, of connectedness. They live in what
we call a fantasy world. Its serious because the child
truly believes that this world is real. They blame
themselves for the pain of the disconnectedness they
feel, not the parent(s). The child creates and maintains
this illusion that there is really love from the parents. A
cover-up.
2.
Repression. With repression the pain is so intense that the person simply tosses it into the unconscious bin, so to speak, as a way to feel some sense of
protection. Its an automatic process, but it also constitutes an emotional numb-out. (Drs. Kelly Nemeck
and Marie Coombs) A pattern of repression by the child
would mean that disagreeable events, painful impulses, desires, or fears, are numbed-down-and-down, so
to speak, because of the intensity of the pain. (I once
worked with a woman, age 30, who had repressed the
event of being raped. Zilch. And another woman, age
43, who, in a dream, recalled how a favourite relative
of hers was the one actually who had sexually abused
her! That was an incredibly painful and later conscious
wake-up call. A cover-up.
3.
Projection. This occurs when something that
is part of us is, as Transactional Analysis says, a hot
potato, that is, a psychic content that is so painful that
one tosses or projects unconsciously this psychic
content onto someone else. We have all met the person
who is a very angry person but keeps talking about
another person, at work, for instance, who is always
angry! The person is unaware of their own anger and
feels better if someone else carries this hot potato.
War is an extreme example of this because it says that
the other is the enemy! A child naturally projects
psychic contents, for instance, seeing a doll of theirs
UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP:

Insight, Courage, Action (ICA)
from Addiction, Codependency and
Attachment
Dr. Michael Rock
Licensed Emotional Intelligence Facilitator
Professor (ret.), Human Relations and Ethics
Simorgh Magazine, October 2014
PART III
The time was 1972-1973. James J. Pelosi was the

452nd West Point cadet of the class of 1973. He was
about to receive his diploma. Nothing exceptional with
this. What was extraordinary was the fact that, contrary to evidence and is own determined plea of innocence, one of the Academys most respected students,
was cited for cheating. His punishment? Ostracization by his fellow students for most of his third and
all of his fourth year. The silent treatment. No one
spoke to him at all! He was totally ignored. Even for
meals, bedroom. He was insulted, mail mutilated and
locker vandalized. Even though this thin young man
lost 26 lb., he hung tough. Pelosis response: When
youre right, he said later, you have to prove yourwww.simorghmagazine.com
self... I told myself I didnt care. He was vindicated

and then was able to graduate. Right after he received
his diploma everything went back to normal. Others
spoke with him; it was as if nothing had transpired
during those past 18 months! What did Pelosi have to
say? Ive taken a psychology course and I know what
isolation does to animals. No one at the Academy asks
how it affects a person. Doesnt that seem strange?
Yes, it does seem strange, but to me, it is also immoral and a clear example of family dysfunctionality. In Part III I want to talk about the basic problem
that constellates family dysfunctionality: the feeling
of abandonment albeit unconscious in the child.
The small child realizes that he/she is on their own;
the pain from that abandonment is overwhelming and
so feels some strategy or strategies need to come into
play to protect themselves and survive. For Pelosi, although he was a young man and not a child, he was
literally abandoned and often abused by those around
him. How he managed to get through those 18 months
of real isolation where no one spoke to him, interacted
with him, and even abused him and his possessions
at times, says much about his strength and character.
But for a small child whose very existence for survival
depends on acceptance and love from parents and
then feels abandoned a deep wound takes place. Its
called childhood trauma to our inner child. It is also
the lens through which the small child interprets life
as he/she grows older. If this pain and wound is left
unchecked, the child brings it into adulthood and adult
relationships, at work and at home.
Its obvious that physical events like war, airplane
crashes where parents die, separations and divorces
where one or both parents literally abandon the baby
or child become constellating factors that wreck havoc
in a childs life. Another reason that acts as a catalyst for feelings of abandonment for the child is their
experience of normal narcissistic feelings that are left
unattended. We all know that for a child, its all about
me. Thats a good thing but healthy parents help the
child to move away from getting their own way all
the time. Such parenting, of course, needs to be done
well. If the parents themselves have never outgrown
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613-421-3413
Baran Dance Class
Cafe 97

Bijan Fard
Ali Pahlavani
613-265-4602
Arya Food
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613-594-3636
416-225-8150
613-319-0488
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Immigration Canada 613-238-5462
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Simorgh Magazine Issue 67 Oct 2014.

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Simorgh Magazine Issue 67 Oct 2014.

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At Gohari Oriental Rugs Service, we do all o

by hand, taking special care with each order

We work with any material or combination o

Washing & repair & cleaning:

Uncovering the Cover up

North River Road Clinic

(structural analysis and balancing)

(a branch of Osteopathic manipulation, very gentle)

Conditions Commonly Addressed:

Tel: (613) 291-6132

Persian Lunch Buffet

Kanata: 11:00am - 2:00pm

Dine In, Take Out, Delivery

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Commissioner of Oath/Notary Public

)Behzad A. Rezai (Bobby Bar

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Cell: (613) 617-8115

Signs Banners Graphic Design Business Cards

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Dr. Maryam Hassanzadeh

Book Online: www.kentchiromed.com

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For more information contact Shabnam at

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some kind becomes the option (substance

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as alive and real. For a parent to hurt the doll by

a survival strategy that the person becomes convinced

their narcissistic deprivation, then the passing on of

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UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP:

The time was 1972-1973. James J. Pelosi was the

self... I told myself I didnt care. He was vindicated

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