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Running Head: CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 1

Conflict Resolution in Romantic Relationships


Paige Connor, Mary Pat Conway, Morgan Cripps, Clay Cronic,
Kayla Croy, Chip Davis, Sydney Deaver, Hannah Dill
University of Tennessee















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Conflict is normal. All humans are different. Each person has opinions, beliefs and ideas
that may differ from their partner or spouse. Some might say that conflict is unhealthy and
should be avoided. This paper outlines a variety of relationship topics that may help us to reach
our ultimate goal: conflict resolution. One must define communication in romantic relationships
in order to understand and improve upon them. Communication and conflict can be confused as
synonymous terms. A detailed discussion of the difference between conflict and communication
will be explained and may provide insight relating to best practices for both communication and
conflict resolution principles. Simple questions will be asked and answered such as What is
communication? and What is conflict? Answering these questions should help in compromise
and resolution.
Different types of conflict resolution will be discussed. Avoidance and under responsive
conflict resolution styles are the first two examples. These will be explained in great detail. The
question of how avoidance and under responsiveness play out in a relationship will be discussed
and answered. Also, failure to acknowledge a problem exists in a relationship is another conflict
that may affect a large segment of people. Is this type of resolution healthy? Normal? Effective?
Can good communication truly occur when these issues are present. An attempt will be made to
answer some of these questions. Also, what are the pros and cons of under responsiveness and
avoidance? How does a competition style of resolution work? Definitions and explanations will
be provided. Aggressive language and belittling may be a tactic used. In addition to all of the
above conflict styles discuss, collaboration and accommodation will be the final two explained
and examined. Conflict in romantic relationships is very common and defined goals must be
clearly stated and examined in order for compromise and conflict resolution to be possible. A
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desire to achieve resolution should be the ultimate goal. When a determination to resolve issues
is present, half the battle is won.
Communication is the basic method in which humans use to interact. It is essential in a
persons everyday routine. Communication is used from the time people wake up until they go to
bed. Communication has been broadly defined as, "the sharing of experiences and to some
extent all living organisms can be said to share experiences. Human communication is the
process of creating a meaning between two or more people (Tubbs, 2013). These experiences
include: sharing information or values, connecting with others, planning, giving advice and
expressing creativity and philosophy. These intangible experiences can be communicated
verbally or nonverbally and typically receive feedback, depending on the context of the
audience. On certain occasions, intimate communication may lead to romantic
relationships.
A romantic relationship is between two people who are physically and emotionally
attracted to one another, sharing an intimate closeness. All intimate relationships stem from the
idea of self-disclosing personal information. On many occasions, People will incorporate self-
disclosure in conversation to assess one anothers interest, suitability and trustworthiness for
starting a close relationship. Decisions about self-disclosure will affect how new relationships
develop or cycle over time (Derlega, Winstead, Greene, 2008). Once a romantic relationship
has developed, couples share intimate feelings, a commitment to one another, and feelings of
protection and love. With time couples in a romantic relationship may experience different levels
of conflict.
Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who have
perceived incompatible goals, scarce resources and interference from others in achieving their
CONTFLICT RESOLUTION IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 4
goals (Tubbs, 2013). When experiencing conflict in a romantic relationship, one may be getting
in the way of the other achieving their goals or having opposing ideas: family, career or
friendships. Conflict does not suggest a couple is incompatible, but can be stepping-stones for
potential growth in a romantic relationship. Although, growth in a romantic relationship may
become stunted, when the couple avoids their conflicts.
Recall the saying, if you do not have anything nice to say, then do not say anything at
all? That short phrase speaks volumes concerning conflict resolution. When faced with
conflict, couples in romantic relationships can choose between two potential options: deal with
the issue or avoid the issue. Unfortunately, avoidance is the most common form of conflict
resolution. Many times people choose to avoid conflict because they fear the outcome (Segal,
2013). We consider avoidance for many reasons such as denial, semantic focus, and
postponement. We also found that there are both advantages and disadvantages to this type of
conflict resolution.
To begin, we will need to understand what avoidance is. According to the Cambridge
Dictionary, avoidance is the act of not dealing with something between two or more parties. In
the first form of avoidance, we will discuss denial. Denial is a form of selective inattention
toward threat- provoking areas of a particular situation to protect a person from anxiety, guilt, or
other threats
(Opotow,Weiss, 2000). For example, when you ask someone what is wrong, and they answer
with nothing. This person is stating there is not a problem, when it is evident there is a
problem, which can create concern. This type of avoidance can be extremely detrimental to a
relationship. Withholding concerns may lead to an even larger issue in the long run when the
same issue reoccurs. When the issue reoccurs, each partner will find themselves more angry, and
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more emotional than they previously were. Once these problems reoccur, a partner will ask why
he or she is rehashing the previous issue?
Why are you bringing this up? We have already gone over this. Lets not argue over this
again. These are all forms of semantic focus. According to the Book of Human Communication,
semantic focus is described as an attempt to avoid conflict by focusing on what is being said,
then making statements about what the words mean or how to characterize the continuing
conflict and this discussion of words (Tubbs, 2013). In this form of avoidance we see what
might be an important issue to one partner, may not be as important to the other. This semantic
focus tends to downplay the conflict as if it is not important, and should be forgotten.
Unfortunately, the issue will more than likely arise again.
The next form of avoidance is postponement. This type of avoidance is not always an
unacceptable form of conflict resolution. In the case of postponement, both parties are able to
take the time that may be needed to cool down or plan a compromise. However, postponement
could lead to an unaddressed issue. If you choose to postpone, it is highly recommended that a
resolution time is made. Therefore, the conflict will not go unaddressed or ignored.
Although avoidance is not the best way to deal with conflict resolution, it does have
advantages. As we previously mentioned, postponement may be the best solution at a particular
time. Avoiding the conflict at the time it arises may keep both parties from causing the conflict
to escalate. Another pro to avoidance is that it gives you the ability to plan for a compromise and
see your mistakes. The disadvantage to avoidance is that many times people postpone, and do
not make time for resolution. Therefore, the conflict never gets resolved, and the tensions keep
piling up.
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Another type of conflict resolution, in romantic relationships, is the use of competition.
Normally, a little bit of competition is healthy because it motivates people to succeed in various
tasks of life. However, when competition becomes a main component of a romantic relationship,
it creates a very unhealthy and caustic atmosphere. This method of resolution can be described as
a way of playing to win. Competition is shown through seeing a partner as someone to beat
rather than as your teammate. The competitive urge in relationships is extremely unhealthy and
is one of the deadliest killers of relationships according to journalist Dustin Wax of Lifehack
(Wax, 2013). Some people just have that competitive drive in their personalities, which can carry
over to their personal relationships. For example, if a couple has one partner succeeding in
something that the other partner does not, that can spark a sense of jealousy. Jealousy is a major
contributor to competitiveness. Once jealousy strikes, it can even lead to a partner in the
romantic relationship hoping that their partner does not reach success in anything. They may
even feel success from the feat of their partners failure. Although the partner may not outwardly
show their happiness towards their partners failure, they internally feel it and might even feel
like they won the battle.
Another way that competition can arise in romantic relationships is when a person
withholds intimate personal information, in fear that their spouse will use this information
against them. This is mainly a psychological factor that a person in a romantic relationship deals
with individually, but their partner can typically identify their partners distance caused by those
thoughts. Relationships require trust, and when one finds himself or herself stuck in a
competitive stage of their relationship, it is difficult to regain trust with their
partner. Competition can even occur from differences in backgrounds. Its very important to try
and keep the competition in relationships to a minimum. A little competition is healthy and can
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be fun. It only becomes harmful to a relationship when it becomes a way of life to the people in
the relationship. Sometimes competition can result from too much time together. It is important,
in a romantic relationship, to have a healthy amount of time together as well as time apart.
Overall, competition is not an ideal resolution in romantic relationship.
Submissive methods of conflict resolution are seen in Accommodation. Accommodation
includes appeasement, and convergence. As defined by Merriam Webster, Appeasement: Is
to make someone pleased or less angry by giving or saying something desired. In appeasement,
a partner will give up things, opinions, or habits that the other partner does not agree with in
order to make the other happy. This deters the relationship from handling conflict in a healthy
way. In relationships described as controlling or unhealthy, appeasement is a factor. The
controlled un-empowered person thinks that doing so aids in maintaining harmony in the
relationship. Accordingly, they acquiesce just to keep the peace or regain it at all cost (King,
2013.) King goes on to explain how appeasement can lead to both partners being unhappy in the
long run even though it may keep partners satisfied in the short term.
Convergence is the other aspect of accommodation. Convergence is the movement
toward anothers communication style because of a conscious or unconscious desire for social
integration, seeking or showing approval, identification, or communication effectiveness with
another (Street and Giles, 1982). In romantic relationships, a person will shift their opinions to
reflect their partners.
Conflict resolution with a lot more equality in the relationship is compromise.
Compromise is used to find a common ground between both parties. Compromise is a way of
reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order
to end an argument or dispute (Webster, 2013). Compromise is reached through open
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communication and self-disclosure. Allowing a partner to understand the reasoning behind the
conflict allows a stronger form of intimacy to develop. As stated in Intimacy Goals and
Strategies of Conflict Resolution in Dating, Open communication and self-disclosure should
enhance individuals ability to manage conflict more positively by increasing mutual awareness
and empathy in the relationship. Thus allowing an easier route to compromise. While
compromise is a quick fix to conflict, it is not always the best form of resolution. One main
disadvantage to compromise is the lack of caring for the relationship. Often times compromise
is a way in which we attempt to meet both peoples goals without caring much about the other
party and their relationship. Compromise does not involve a strong drive for the relationship
and for the substantive goals, but rather a half-hearted attempt to meet both. (Tubbs, 2013). This
can have a negative effect in romantic relationships, simply due to the lack of care. In order for
the relationship to continue growing, there needs to be a mutual goal. This is why collaboration
is the most effective form of conflict resolution, especially in romantic relationships.
Collaboration is not only the most effective means of conflict resolution; it also
represents the highest level of commitment to a relationship. Collaboration, at its core, is an
attempt to meet the needs of all parties involved, with growth as a mutual goal. This requires
cooperation between both parties, and the mindset that each party is equally important. In the
context of romance, this is (usually) exclusive to two parties, but it still applies to all types of
interpersonal relationships.
Collaboration as the highest level of commitment to a relationship is complemented by
the definition of commitment. Commitment is defined, The extent to which the partners in a
relationship either accept their relationship as continuing indefinitely or direct their behavior
towards ensuring its continuance or optimizing its properties (Derlega 1984). Collaboration is
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considered the highest level of commitment because it requires selflessness from both parties:
the acceptance of indefinite continuance.
In contrast to compromise, collaboration does not necessarily involve both parties getting
a portion of what they want in an agreed manner. A potential outcome of collaboration may
include one party making a larger sacrifice than another, but with of a mutual goal of preserving
the relationship. Valerian Derlegas Needs Rule of interpersonal exchange states that people
receive benefits they need (not want) regardless of contribution. That being said, collaboration
could be considered the Utilitarianism of conflict resolution, in the sense that it is in the interest
of the greatest good for the greatest number.
There are many benefits to collaboration, and this is the only conflict resolution style that
can potentially lead to a win-win situation. Collaboration is not chaotic or aggressive, and has
steps and rules for each party to follow if necessary. According to Albert Ellis, Win/win is
possible when you accept your partner as is, share and explore disagreements, express
appreciation frequently, and come from honest integrity. Following that, he gives a 5-step
question sequence for collaborative conflict resolution. It goes as follows:
1. What is the problem?
2. What do you want?
3. What are you doing about it?
4. Is it working?
5. What are you willing to do that might work?
While these questions might seem generic and obvious, taking a minute to ask these
questions when faced with emotionally fueled conflict can prove quite helpful. While questions
one and two are fairly clear cut and do not require much introspection about a given conflict,
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questions three and four are quite effective problem solvers. Generally on both sides of an
argument, the answer to question three (if answered honestly) is going to be a caustic and not-
helpful action, and the answer to number four is almost certainly no.
Even though collaboration is not necessarily easy to achieve, with a little self-control,
implementation can provide resolutions to seemingly unsolvable interpersonal problems. It just
requires enough of an objective viewpoint to advocate the greater good, and awareness that
something negative can happen at any time; but that negative event does not dictate the way you
respond to it. If someone can utilize the above guidelines while maintaining the integrity of both
parties, chances are your conflict will be resolved in a non-chaotic manner.
Essentially, conflict resolution can be placed on a spectrum from ineffective to effective,
based on partners willingness to clearly state and define their goals. The ineffective end harbors
conflict resolution methods are avoidance, competition, and accommodation. These three
methods are rendered ineffective because problems are left unacknowledged. The three methods
of avoidance, (denial, semantic focus, postponement) effectively deny the existence of a
problem, minimize one partners issue as unimportant/non-existent, and delay communication
between partners by putting off the acknowledgement of an issue. During competition, partners
become rivals, and communication is shut down out of fear and jealousy. Accommodation also
avoids acknowledgment of problems by erasing a partners unique identity through appeasement
or convergence. This creates an unbalanced relationship where issues are only solved at the most
powerful partners discretion.
The middle of the conflict resolution spectrum holds compromise. Unlike avoidance,
competition, and accommodation, compromise acknowledges a conflict and works toward
setting a goal between partners. The downside to compromise is that both partners are rarely left
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satisfied, since they begrudgingly give up parts of their individual goals for the sake of
resolving the conflict. Compromise is characterized as requiring less commitment and care for
the relationship; and while it fixes conflict in the short term, both partners are rarely left happy.
The most effective end of the conflict resolution spectrum is collaboration. Collaboration
is effective because the resolution meets the needs of both partners. Collaboration requires a
higher level of relationship commitment, and the will of partners to make whatever individual
sacrifices are needed for the sake of the relationship. This is nuanced from compromise and
accommodation since both partners are not settling for an outcome, they are explicitly
discussing their needs, and actively confident in their decision to sacrifice individual goals for
the relationship.
This spectrum of effectiveness shows the important aspects of how communication, (or
lack there of) positively or negatively impacts conflict resolution. The most effective method is
characterized by a longer, more complex means of communication within the relationship. Both
partners have to acknowledge conflict, clearly examine their individual goals, define their
relationship goal, and decide if their commitment to the relationship is high enough to constitute
change at an individuals expense. The least effective methods of conflict resolution are
characterized by not communicating with partners to acknowledge conflict, and partners
competing, which creates conflict. Romantic relationships are unique because they involve the
mental and physical exchanges of two beings. In order for a romantic relationship to be
successful, both parties must put time, effort, emotion, and sacrifice into resolving and
preventing conflicts from happening.




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Work Cited (APA)

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Derlega, V. J., Winstead, B. A., & Greene, K. (2008). Self-disclosure and starting a close
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Ellis, A., & Crawford, T. (2000). Making intimate connections: 7 guidelines for great
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Opotow, S., & Weiss, L. (n.d.). Denial and the Process of Moral Exclusion in Environmental
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"Language Convergence; Meaning Divergence." Language Convergence; Meaning Divergence.
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Wax, D. (2013, February 22). 10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships. Lifehack RSS. Web.
13. Nov. 2013. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/10-ways-we-hurt-our-romantic-
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