Breanna Valenzuela

COMM 2110
Submitted to: Dr. Carolyn Clark
11/25/14
Final Report on Personal Change Project
Throughout this course I have set out to indentify and produce personal change
toward an unwanted interpersonal communication barrier. I decided to focus on my
habit of letting my emotions take over situations and cloud my judgment. For
months now I have been working toward correcting this barrier by using specific
strategies I learned thought out the semester from my Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond
textbook as well as from the canvas writing by my professor, Dr. Carolyn Clark. A
few of these strategies include: planning my message (Beebe, Pg. 242) and Making
conscious decisions about whether to express my anger (Beebe, pg. 242). I
encountered obstacles along the way, especially in the form of being aware of my
anger but not having the skills to control them yet. After time I began to understand
how to apply what I had learned and the strategies I was working toward to see
growth and positive personal change.
Unwanted Communication Pattern:
I have always considered myself to be a very emotional and passionate person,
which I see as a positive in life. I have the ability to feel free expressing my emotions
and feelings toward loved ones. I rarely let a day go by that I dont tell someone I
care about how much I care for them. Being open about your feelings can also be a
heavy burden when you are not aware of how to express those emotions with
control. The unwanted communication pattern I have decided to work on is to
improve how I control my emotions and how I express my emotions to others.
This is a habit I have a strong desire to change because I feel like my message gets
lost sometimes when my emotions out weight what I am trying to convey to my
peers and colleagues. For example:
I found myself in a stressful and conflicting situation with my boyfriend. I felt as
though he was not communicating openly with me about plans he had to leave town.
When he finally let me in on his plans I got emotional and instead of expressing my
emotions with words and telling him how much I care about him and how hard it is
for me when he abruptly leaves, I found myself bashing and gunny sacking him
(Beebe, Pg. 243). Because my emotions were overwhelmed and hurt I felt like I
needed him to feel how I was feeling. This only led to the both of us being hurt and
upset by the other, without resolving the situation and causing tension in our
relationship. I had a disconfirming response (Beebe, Pg.148) to anything my
boyfriend had to say to me, which left him feeling like less than he should be. As this
situation was taking place I could tell I was acting out and being irrational, but I kept
dwelling on what was bothering me, therefore, continued the conflict with my
boyfriend.

 Another situation that I felt I could have used more knowledge to manage my
emotions in was a recent time that I had an important conversation with my
manager at work. I wanted to let him know that my schedule, that had been the
same for over a year, was very different all of the sudden and I would not be able to
work the hours he asked. When I confronted him, instead of telling him my situation
so him and I could come to a conclusion, I blamed him and then, because I did not
have my message planned, began to confuse my point and not make sense. When I
could not come up with what I wanted to say to him I became frustrated and began
to tear up. Crying to someone that oversees my position at work made it look as if I
was unable to handle stressful situations and can not keep my cool when dealing
with difficult customers. The way that I came off in this instance made it hard for my
manager to listen to me critically (Beebe, Pg. 140), because he was blocked by my
emotional response.
In these situations, just like many others, I was unaware of how I looked toward
other people and I did not have any skills that would help me identify and handle my
emotions before they got to the point of hurting my reputation. In both situations I
could have benefited from breathing techniques (Beebe, Pg. 242) to help me calm
myself before I took the time to plan my message properly (Beebe, Pg.242).
Strategies:
Before taking on the task of improving how I control and express my emotions, I
first had to become familiar with and make a list of strategies that I could use to help
myself reach my goal. I decided on a group of emotionally related conflict
management skills that I felt could help me gain control.
One of the first strategies I familiarized myself with was to become aware that I
was becoming angry and emotionally volatile (Beebe, pg. 241). I took this strategy
as the basic building block to implement all other strategies I would be working
toward. If I could identify when I was becoming emotional or upset, I could the
chose how I wanted to react in that situation. When you are unable to tell that your
emotions are taking over, you can easily say and do things that you would later
regret (Beebe, Pg. 241). This strategy helped me identify different nonverbal
physical cues, such as an increased heart rate, that could help me predict an
emotional outburst (Beebe, Pg. 241).
After learning how to identify when I was becoming emotional, I was then able to
bring into light all other strategies that I used to help myself control my emotions.
First I found the strategy of simply breathing (Beebe, Pg. 242) to be very beneficial
to me. Breathing is one of the most simply and effective ways to avoid over heating
with anger or emotion. Using a breathing technique gave me time to step back and
make the decision of whether or not I wanted to express my emotions (Beebe, Pg.
242). Many times in the heat of the moment I would react and then later be
regretful of my actions. I found that breathing and making the decision to react took
a lot of the regret out of the situation because I thought it through and decided that
reacting was the best, or worst, option. During the time I would take to breathe, I
would work myself through a little self-talk (Beebe, Pg. 244). Self-talk would help

me identify my feelings and self in each situation (Beebe, Pg. 55). Since emotions
and thoughts are so closely connected, self-talk helped me become more aware of
how I was feeling before I shared my emotions with someone else (Beebe, pg. 32).
After breathing and deciding, I would plan my message (Beebe, Pg. 242). If I
decided to react to my emotions, I found I came off much more in control if my
message was clear and planned before I began speaking. Taking the time to plan
what I was feeling and wanted to say let me also look at the situation though a
collaborative conflict management style, which allowed me to be other oriented
when expressing myself (Beebe, Pg. 238). For instance, in the second situation with
my manager, If I would have planned my message accordingly and took into
consideration how stressful putting a schedule out for 30 people must be for him, I
could have better let him know that I am aware of his burden and that I wanted to
work with him to learn mine and other employees schedules better. I would have
come off much more helpful and stronger than I did originally.
After I became more familiar with breathing, choosing and planning when it came
to emotional management, I was able to use other strategies that would help
strengthen and ease the situations further. Like in my first situation with my
boyfriend, if I would have stepped back and took the time to breathe, decided I did
want to express my emotions on the subject, planned my message to him, I would
then be able to select a time and a place to express myself to him that would make
us both comfortable (Beebe, Pg. 243). At an acceptable location and time we are able
to control noise and can now communicate our messages clearly and receive
feedback to diminish our conflict (Beebe, Pg. 7). Choosing to not over express
myself to someone in an unacceptable location also can help build rapport with that
person, since I did not dive directly into an attack without thinking the location and
my message through (Beebe, Pg. 243).
Looking back at these strategies that I have come to know I can see how each of
them builds off the other. You need to first be recognize your emotions before you
are able to decide to express them. You also first have to be able to calm down and
breathe before you can plan what you want to say. Strategies such as these are most
beneficial in my situation when I use them all together as building blocks toward my
desired outcome.
Constraints:
I came to a few roadblocks that made my journey toward changing this undesired
behavior more difficult. While I was getting used to the strategies I was trying to
learn and implement, I noticed that I was slow in executing them. When I would take
time to Breathe (Beebe, Pg. 242) I would often remove myself from the situation,
maybe for too long. When I came back to have a conversation about it later, the
other person in the situation, who was not spending their time planning, would look
less interested or forget that we had a conflict to begin with.
Another constraint was that, while planning my message and breathing, I would
still cry in some situation. I would use self talk and tell myself that I needed to stop
and that crying was not helping, but due to the human that I am I would find myself
becoming teary eyed from the stress of the conflict.

I took these constraints as a challenge throughout my journey that I knew I could

overcome with practice and time.
Implementation:
When I began to implement the strategies that I had learned in real life situations,
not just theories I had used to analyze past situations, I knew I had to work past my
constraint of uncontrollable physically emotional outburst. Crying in a situation that
did not call for it would overshadow everything I had took the time to learn. I
decided the only way to move past this constraint was to get more comfortable and
practice the strategies I had learned, so it would be second nature to me and I would
not feel overwhelmed and cry. I decided there was no time like now to start using
what I had learned.
One of the first instances that I used the strategies I had learned successfully came
in an early scenario between a friend and myself. This took place during a busy time
of the semester when I was flooded with exams and upcoming tuition expenses. I
felt like I was being spread thin and my emotions were ready to explode at any
time. My friend and I were having a meal together and she took the whole lunch to
talk about how upset she was that her parents werent buying her something that
she wanted. She went on and on about how hard she had things. I could feel anger
inside of me building up. I felt like she was being inconsiderate, not only to me, but
to anyone that was working hard at the time and did not expect pity or unnecessary
gifts in life. My first instinct was to say you know what? If you want something get
it yourself, like I do. But instead of blowing up I kept quiet, listening to her but at
the same time breathing and using some self-talk in my head. I decided that
expressing my anger would do nothing but turn our different views into an ego
conflict (Beebe, Pg. 229). I did not want to bash her and make her feel bad so I
decided to completely change the subject. I asked her what she was planning on
wearing on our hike tomorrow evening. The conversation changed so quickly and
fluidly that I could tell if I decided to express my anger it would have come off as an
attack because she did not see or feel any tension in what she was saying to me.
Even if justified, I would have been overly emotional and hurt my friends feelings as
well as caused a destructive conflict between us both (Beebe, Pg. 224). This is one
of the first times I was able to identify what the outcome would have been had I not
reacted in a more rationale way due to the strategies I implemented. I think a
scenario like this might be easy to tell a white lie to change the subject or make my
friend feel better about her view of her issue, but I am glad that instead of that I
decided to change the subject and build rapport between us (Beebe, Pg. 243).
Another time I found success in performing my strategies for controlling my
emotions was when I needed to talk to a professor about an unfair grade I felt I had
received. This professor was over an hour late to class one night and, after waiting
for 45 minutes, I decided to leave class and go home. It was not until the next class
meeting that I realized he showed up to class after two hours and accepted
homework. When I turned in my homework the following class meeting he told me
it was late and took off 10 points. Whether or not he or I were in the wrong, I knew I
would get nowhere from crying in this situation. In the past the first thing I would
do was cry. Situations where I feel I am being treated unjust, my first instinct is to

cry from my abundant emotions. When he told me my homework was late I said
okay and took my seat. I spent a small amount of class time planning my message,
even to the point that I wrote out key issues (Beebe, Pg. 242). Once I knew
exactly what I wanted to say, I felt much more confidant. When class was over I
waited until the class was empty and I felt like the time was more correct. I asked
my professor if I could talk to him and slowly and calmly explained the situation in
an assertive tone (Beebe, Pg. 179). He told me his side of the story, explaining why
he was so late. We were able to communicate analytically by withholding
judgment and emotion until we heard both sides of the story (Beebe, Pg. 123). My
professor then told me that he appreciated that I came to him calmly and explained
myself. He said that he understood my frustration and I was able to turn in my
assignment for full credit. I am almost certain that if I had started an emotional
outburst in front of the class at an inappropriate time I would not have been able to
get my issue across to him. Not only that, but I would have put myself in a construct
situation in front of my classmates, where they would judge me in a bipolar fashion
based on my outburst (Beebe, Pg. 68). In this case keeping calm and picking a place
to discuss my issue helped me get my desired outcome as well as save face (Beebe,
Pg. 47). I feel like this whole situation could have been avoided if I had contacted my
professor to ask about his absence in the first place, however I am happy with how I
handled myself in a mature manner. If things had gone poorly and I did not get the
points I felt I deserved, I would have wanted to accept the loss and leave the room
with my head held high.
These are just two of the bigger moments I had throughout this journey that I was
able to recognize what I did. I can now look back and identify where things could
have gone wrong if I handled the situation in a different manner.
Results:
I feel as if I have grown throughout this experience and with my communication
skills in a whole. One of the biggest results I have seen came from one of my
constraints. Life by no means has gotten easier; I still deal with school and work
daily. However, since learning to identifying my emotions and control how I
express them, I have almost entirely eliminated crying in public. I have
encountered a few instances where I wanted to cry because of emotional stress, but
after I self talk myself down from the emotions I am feeling, I am able to realize that
I do not want to express that side of myself to others. I have had great success being
able to show the emotions that I want to the people I want to show them to. For
instance, I was at work and having a hard day. I finished my shift and left work with
a smile until I got home where I allowed myself to have a small cry and get my
feelings out to my boyfriend. Being able to control my vulnerabilities around certain
people is something I count as a goal that I have met in this situation.
I still have a lot I want to work toward. I would like to improve my communication
skills so I can eliminate pseudo conflicts in my life that trigger my emotions (Beebe,
Pg. 228). By eliminating miscommunication I can also eliminate a conflict trigger
in my life. Now that I have frustration awareness (Beebe, Pg. 224) I feel like I am on
my way to being able to turn any conflicts in to constructive conflict, where I can

use each situation to build new insight, learn from, and work harder toward my
overall goal (Beebe, Pg. 224).
Recommendations:
I have every intention of continuing my work toward correctly expressing my
emotions to others. I feel like I have to continue this so I can be more stable and
prepared in my career path. I am heading in to a career that has high stress
moments and constant interaction with clients. Possessing and mastering the skill of
choosing what I want to express emotionally to people will give me a huge upper
hand in deciding how I want to come off to my clients. To help me with my future
career goals, I want to focus more on my skills when it comes to communicating
with a diverse group of people. Social decentering, which is taking in to account
another persons values and background (Beebe, Pg. 111), along with being more
mindful of others is something I think will help me eliminate stress in situations
and with people that are new to me (Beebe, Pg. 108). I have identified that overly
abundant stressful situations are what trigger my emotions. It is a new goal of mine
to be open and empathetic to those diverse from myself, not only to further my
career, but also to eliminate stress and let people see my true self.

Works Cited

Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to

Others. Boston: Pearson.
Clark. (2014). Canvas Readings for COMM 2110. Accessed 09/20/201411/25/14.