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3874!

sunny11!

( |( ( DOCUMENT(REQUIREMENTS:(
L2!final!SOP!

( |( ( NOTES:(
[Please state your purpose in applying for graduate study. Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest,
experiences that contributed to your preparation in the field, and your plans for your future occupation or profession. Briefly
describe experiences that have prepared you for advanced study or research, and provide any additional information that
may aid the selection committee in evaluating your preparation and aptitude for graduate study at UCLA. If you are applying
for a research masters or doctoral program, you are encouraged to indicate specific research interests and potential faculty
mentors.]

Key L2 editing points.

Dear sunny11,
Please find my changes and comments below. One of the big things Ive tried to work on is the linking between the paragraphs.
The version you sent back was improved but there was some repetition of linking phrases so I have reworded these sentences to
provide a more natural progression, which helps the whole statement to read more fluently and more naturally.
But overall the statement now reads very well, and properly like an SOP, rather than a PS, which is really important. Lots of the
detail feels much firmer and it is now a strong, professional, evidence-based essay.
The word count has increased slightly above your 850 target but is still within the two page limit prescribed on the course website.
Well done and very good luck with your application!

All best wishes,

!
!

NB: Dont sign you name!

An initial is fine. Clients tend
to look up their advisors on
their profiles and then urgently
request a new advisor if they
dont feel there is a match
in background.

MyDocumate 13/12/2014 15:42

Deleted: Henry.

Delete acronyms
if not used subsequently
My experience of developing logical approaches to theoretical problems, and my in
deep engagement
the document.
with the practical applications of theory, have provided robust preparation for graduate study at
Statement of Purpose, By Miss. Xiaodan Shen, for Department of Electrical Engineering, University of California, Los Angeles

Unknown

Deleted: theory heoretical problems,...and

[1]

UCLA, where I would like to focus on circuits and embedded systems in my research. I would be
particularly interested in working in Prof. Mani B Srivastava's Networked and Embedded Systems
Laboratory, given his group's contributions to low-power energy-aware embedded systems. This
would enable me to expand on my work in real-time operating embedded systems and circuits. After
this period of postgraduate study, I aim to devote myself to professional practice in low-power and
real-time embedded systems design, using knowledge accumulated both from research work in Prof.
Srivastava's lab, and from course modules such as "M202B distributed embedded systems" and
"209S special topics in embedded computing systems".

MyDocumate 13/12/2014 15:43

Deleted: (LEAP)

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:26

Comment [1]: I!have!changed!to!the!
passive!here!to!make!this!a!little!more!formal.!

Unknown
Deleted: with sing knowledge that I ...
will
[2]

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Deleted: study in

In recent years I have consistently sought to further my practical and academic skills at every level.
In order to improve my basic professional skills, I put theory into practice in the course Electric
Circuit Design Lab, achieving high grades in math, physics and electrical circuitry. For the course
project, I designed and assembled an intelligent line-tracking car that took advantage of the interplay
of LEDs and photoresistors to control the motors and keep the car travelling along a specific route.
After a whole week's struggle on Protel, I finally succeeded in deploying all the necessary electronic
components onto a 8cm x 5cm circuit board, using a concise circuit design to leave enough room for
the installment of mechanical components, which reduced the overall weight of the car and enabled it
to run both quickly and smoothly in the final test.

... [3]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:26

Comment [2]: I!have!included!this!to!
introduce!your!series!of!examples!on!the!
same!point,!and!allow!differentiation!between!
them.!

Make track
changes
anonymous!
Towards the same end, I also took the course Microcomputer Systems: Design and Application,

Unknown
Deleted: for my graduate study in the... [4]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:26

Comment [3]: This!format!is!usually!more!
... [5]

Unknown
Deleted: with sing a concise circuit design
... [6]

during which I developed my first embedded system of a real-time velocimeter on the 80C51
single-chip microcontroller. I used the HD7279A keyboard management chip to select different
modes, displaying test results live on an LCD screen. Working long hours in the lab to optimize the
design and spending my free time at the electronics market looking for devices enabled me to
produce outstanding results: my coding made full use of the matrix and therefore saved a lot of
memory, helping me rank second among my peers in the final evaluation. Overall, the course helped
me to master the methodologies and technologies necessary for the design of embedded systems,
made me realize the link between software platforms and hardware and provided crucial insight into
the principle of real-time communication.
Another invaluable part of my experience was the regular work I completed in Prof. Qing Yang's lab,
helping graduate students with research on nanowire-based ultraviolet light emitting diodes. My
responsibility was to fabricate appropriate nanowires and undertake basic tests for optoelectronic
properties. I rapidly acquired the sophisticated skills needed to make useful contributions to the
research, to the extent that I was named third author on the journal paper High efficiency single Ag
nanowire/p-GaN substrate Schottky junction-based ultraviolet light emitting diodes. This experience
allowed me to become properly acquainted with the basic procedures of scientific research and
equipped me with the operational skills to become competent in the laboratory.
But my most recent, and perhaps most significant formative experience came from securing funding
from the China Scholarship Council and completing a three month summer internship at the
University of Alberta in 2014, My project aimed to design, assemble, test and optimize an optical
!

2 / 3!

Edit heavily; work on

para links and grouping
ideas effectively.

Unknown
Deleted: To further equip myself for

... [7]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:26

Comment [4]: I!have!removed!this!last!
... [8]

Unknown
Deleted: , which prepared me with necessary
... [9]

Unknown
Deleted: I have also pre-adapted myself
to
... [10]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:33

Comment [5]: You!might!wish!to!include!
... [11]

Unknown
Deleted: entitled "igh efficiency single
Ag
... [12]

Unknown
Deleted: For the purpose to prepare better
... [13]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:50

Deleted: after Irom securing funding
from
... [14]

Unknown
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... [15]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:51

Comment [6]: I!have!adjusted!the!order!
... [17]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:51

Deleted: , optimize assemble, and

... [16]

Statement of Purpose, By Miss. Xiaodan Shen, for Department of Electrical Engineering, University of California, Los Angeles

system for optical dipole traps. After fully exploring the principle of optical dipole trapping, I
focused two 1064-nm right-angled laser beams to create a high-precision trapping system.
Simulations on MATLAB and Origin allowed me to determine optical device parameters, after
which I independently assembled the relevant hardware. The test results matched my theory-based
predictions, with the beam waist of 20-micrometers pointing to an ideal outcome. Through
accomplishing internship tasks independently, I strengthened my research and practical abilities and
proved once more that I am capable of making meaningful contributions in the lab.
Another significant aspect of this project was the confidence and courage I acquired through the
profound friendship I established with my supervisor, Prof. Lindsay LeBlanc. She thought highly of
my performance in public presentations and rated my work as outstanding in the final evaluation.
During the summer, we often enjoyed lunch together, discussing a diverse range of topics, and once
spent the whole afternoon playing baseball. By becoming friends with my supervisor and other
graduate students, I gradually improved my spoken English and learnt to communicate with people
from different cultures, skills which I believe would be very important for study at UCLA, a
multi-cultural university.

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:52

Deleted: ;

Unknown
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Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:52

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Unknown
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Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:53

Deleted: was

Tell the client what

Besides academic and practical preparations for graduate study, I have also tried my best to be a
youre
to.skills.
Help
versatile student by developing my interdisciplinary
flexibility andup
team-work
Taking part in
the 6th National Energy Saving and Pollution Reducing Competition, I led teammates from the
them
understand
Department of Energy Engineering to apply energy
engineering
principles to optical design, and
ultimately helped my team to win third prize in the final. As part of my work in the course
your
thinking.
Optoelectronics, I presented a comprehensive course
project with
my teammates and took first place

Unknown

in the class presentation.

Deleted: of my summer internship

Deleted: to akinge

... [18]

Unknown 2/12/2014 16:39

Deleted: important

... [19]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:40

Comment [7]: I!deleted!the!below!as!it!is!
obvious!from!the!context.!

Unknown 2/12/2014 16:40

... [20]

Unknown 2/12/2014 16:43

Healthily obsessed by the power of embedded systems, and fully prepared for advanced study, I wish
to further explore this exciting field by taking the Masters in Electrical Engineering at UCLA, and
remain confident that I have much to contribute in the field of low-power and real-time embedded
systems design.

Deleted: embedded systems fieldraduate

... [21]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:54

Deleted: O

Unknown 2/12/2014 16:44

Deleted: am desiredish to further explore
... [22]

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:55

Deleted: to

Signature: Xiaodan Shen

Date: 11/25/2014

Unknown 2/12/2014 16:46

Deleted: professional practice in

Henry Little 2/12/2014 16:55

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3 / 3!