Period 1/4

CFG 1
Austin
Tatyana

Good lyrics. Excited about writing! Social change topic emerging.

Rhyme sounds nice. Is it a love song? Yourself hurts you. Getting away
from the self. Leaving bad self behind. Suspense building sounds like
love song.
Lorenzo Chorus or Verse? Is it catchy enough for a chorus? Chorus if you could
slow it down and use less lyrics? If its fast, you could repeat more. We
are happy that chicken is not your topic. This is way more heartfelt.
Rachel
Are you rapping!? Yes!!! Sound really deep. You can feel it, but sounds
really sad. Hard family life-feel like youre helping (ie. Projects). Looks
like theres support, but they arent really helping. Imagery is really
strong. Rhymes come together. You remember the rhymes.
Sierra
Does the message turn inspiring or empowering at some point?
Becomes stronger. You expect a song from personal point of view to not
be good. People can really relate to. Rhythm is strong. Dont write about
how you got angry. Angry to empowered all stages of grieving.
Rachel
What is the message? (Not clear in the verse yet strengthen the
Seg.
message in the chorus). Imagery of looking into someones eyes. Flow
is strong because of the rhyme. Powerful. The world is filled with
misinterpretations. Inspiring.
Remarie Nothing gold can stay. Ponyboy way. More clarity about breakup.
Verse vs. Chorus? Real, raw feel. Pessimistic.. how do you make this
message hopeful? Title ideas? Dig new gold.
Jessie
-- check in next time.
James
Strong message. Straightforward tone. Flow more rhymes could help.
leave the people vs. lead the people/image of line leaders/walking
ahead of a riot/turning your back.
Arturo
Short chorus. Track is slow. What the story. Chorus is simple, so you
need a story line behind it. Sweet and innocent.
Shayna Lots of rhyme. Inspiring. Political campaign feel. Lots of energy. Lyrics
meet the high energy of the song. Slow or fast?
Nic
Whats the message? Verse Chorus? Same first line is shared with other
verses. Develop message throughout the chorus (too lazy to be happy).
Poetic tone. Rhetorical question makes me think a lot.
Aaron
Dont give up message in the chorus. Track behind it? Focus on one
track when writing lyrics (the one you really like). Try another genre in
old-school hip-hop track. Relating to the topic. Some songs are a story
and message. This has that that element to it.
Alfonso What is the message? Unclear topic. Breakups vs. motivation. Verse is
really deep. Make sure the track matches.
Krystin
Like the imagery a lot. Like that the message will become hopeful. Need
some different word choice (head-up you know you gotta keep your
head up) because it feels segmented, cutting off the flow--- rhymth
issue (needs another syllable).
Azali
Great imagery. Fame Bucks. Strong rhythm. Like the speed up. Intro
during the instrumental with no beat needs a hook and lead-in during

first verse to give a little bit of context (you pursuing that life, but not
fulfilling. Or watching others whove pursued it.)
Tiana
Instant hook. Should be the first verse. Needs a really good beat. Too
sad for the first verse? When does hope come in?
Rachell
Wow punching walls rhymes and imagery together. Stand out
e
words! More! Punching holes in the walls for days holes everywhere.
Chorus should drive home that personal message. Follow your dreams!
Simple chorus.
Jordin
Ups and downs and turnaroundsis really catchy. Rhyme scheme is
catchy. What is the original song rhythm (how many feet in each line)?
Sounds a little choppy. Maybe a stronger rhyme: around and routes.
Leiny
Send strong message in chorus. Second line should be a little shorter.
How many feet should be in each line. Like the metaphor of rotting like
a leaf in the spring. Next line clarifies the metaphor. Thanks to you
(state of your relationship) were falling/were broken/no more.
Steven
Comparing life to video games. Different levels. New levels bring new
expectations. Sounds of gaming. Game over idea.
Stephan Twist at the end. I thought this about a love relationship. Clear who the
ie
relationship is for. You were the first love I ever had and the first to
break my heart. POWERFUL!!! Second line should start the poem.
Reed
Rhyme is top notch. Get message across that thats not the guy you
want to be.
Melissa Empty space and floating. Imagery is really relatable. Saucy. Make sure
we arent a pop song. Stay true to genre. Rhyme is strong. Strong
words.
Karen
Deep message. Is it about world hunger. Since were not hungry and we
dont ever feel the pain in that. Critical tone. Move into something more
emotion based in chorus.
Marta
Where or what is the message? Drive that idea home in the chorus.
Deep emotions expressed. Like the non-rhyming last line. Make sure all
verse match that rhyme scheme.
Taylor
Is about a specific person? Past? Story line would be helpful. Deep
lyrics. Slow melody. Makes us think.
Emily
First lyrics Could be a strong chorus. Do you want to hear that
repeated?
Vincent Reality of situation? Deep and personal. Supports his message. What
will the message in the chorus be? Not all fun and games: lose time in
jail, etc. but losing people is more devastating.
I would trade that all in and be the person I was before to have him
back.
Zionne
3 and 4 lines: rhythm is off. Fewer syllables or cut/paste some more.
True to yourself. Dont change up.
Cynthia Should be your chorus. Hum in C notes. Message is strong. Verses need
a story line.