Flores 1 Marco R. Flores The Douglas P. Lathrop Scholarship for the Disabled I'm new to the disabled community; however, I've been an activist and advocate in the LGBT community for years. After my accident, | wanted to find a community of people like me—people who are disabled and identify in the LGBT community. | sought off on an exploration and a new meaning of who | am now. 'came out in college when | was 19. | grew up in a small town with not many people like me. Being accepted to UC Davis was a kid's dream upon finishing high school. | realized | wasn't happy at the time because | didn't grow up with any gay role models. Once | decided to tell people that I was gay, ! surprisingly had no bad experiences, and at the time was embraced by a small community at UC Davis called the "Cal Aggie Marching Band-uh!”. My experiences with band set the tone for becoming an activist once | graduated. For years, | volunteered at the Sacramento Gay and Lesbian Center, formally known as the Lambda Center. | became very active in the center events and was running the youth program. In 2005, | became one of the members of the board of directors and also became the first pride parade director. Sacramento had not had a pride parade for 23 years and was honored to start the movement—which has continued to happen annually up to today. The next year | was the pride director in 2006 and ran the steering committee. All of the experiences in Sacramento were some of the best times of my life. In the summer of 2006 | moved to San Diego with my partner and became active in the San Diego community. I was hired as a door man at one of the most popularFlores 2 bars: “Pecs”. | got to know many people in the LGBT community and I wanted to finda way to help the community. | decided to go back to school to pursue a Masters in Anthropology at San Diego Stato University. While taking classes, | worked three jobs and still managed to find time to spend with my loving partner. Just moments after! finished my classes and was ready to start my field work, a major life changing accident occurred. One night, during the middle of my shift at Pecs, I suffered a hemorthagic cerebral vascular accident: more commonly known as a stroke. The right side of my body became numb, and luckily, my quick thinking coworkers called an ambulance so! Could go to the hospital. The doctors at the hospital put me in an induced coma for a few days, and | eventually became lucid a month later, | was then transferred to a rehab hospital where I started my convalescence, | entered the rehab hospital as an invalid who could only speak about five words; but through the help of my therapists and my loving family, | left wheelchair-bound and acquired back most of my vocabulary. Through the nurturing care of my mother and my partner, | became confident and independent through such a hortible experience. ' became disabled at 31. | feel lucky that | didn’t have severe depression and was not ashamed of the accident, but instead | wanted to learn more. | started using the public transit system and was wheeling all around San Diego. Despite the looks and the stares when | would wheel backwards to cross the street or on campus, | still remained confident enough to go to bars and social events. | felt this was a key Toment to become active in the disabled community. Eventually, | became strong ‘enough to walk and use a wheelchair. | started taking an aquatics class: throughFlores 3 Grossmont Hospital where people with disabilities could lear to use aquatics to help in their daily lives. | leamed about the YESS group (Young Enthusiastic Stroke Survivors) through Sharp Hospital. Events like “Day at the Bay,” where people with disabilities could learn how to adapt beach activities like sailing, kayaking, jet skiing, and hand cycling, made me and the rest of the community feel “normal"—like everyone else. These bonding experiences made me realize that there is a disabled community and | wanted to leam more about different disabilities. At San Diego State | had been auditing classes to re-acclimate myself as a student. | was getting stronger mentally and physically. | started to walk with a cane but | knew I'd have to become more physically active once | started walking without a wheelchair. Ijoined a fitness class at SDSU for people with disabilities. Every semester | am paired up with a different trainer who is an undergrad that is learning just like me. The clinic has people of ail ages and disabilities that go for different reasons. ‘Some people go for the consistency of daily exercise, others go to try to set fitness goals (like myself), and others go to get out of the house. Another reason we all go to the fitness class is because it's a social opportunity. | met lots of people that are straight and gay who became friends that are interested about me—not my disability. | leamed from one of the students on campus about a general studies class called Disability and Society. | was instantly intrigued and went to the first class. This class was once a week and had at least one guest speaker who talked about their experiences. | spoke to the professor and asked if | could audit the olass and she graciously invited me to watch the public speakers instead of doing the assignments as well. She explained that all she wanted was for any student to care about the disabilityFlores 4 ‘community and be able to give back through volunteering. Since I'm a graduate student and disabled she was happy to have me observe the class. This class covered the gamut of disabilities: physical to mental disabilities, degenerative disabilities, intellectual disabilities, and the way society treats people with disabilities. There were days where the class would be rolling with laughter and other days where the students were crying or fighting back tears. Some days we watched videos of personal stories of what it's ike becoming disabled, other times we watched documentaries like “Murderball’, the video about quadriplegic rugby, and other times they were clips on how to address people that have disabilities and how to use the proper terminology so that people with disabilities will feel respected. This class was definitely one of my favorites and, personally, | believe everyone should get the opportunities at a younger age, not just in college. | was aware of the basic etiquette with people with disabilities. | grew up with two uncles that have disabilities: one uncle has a physical disability (Parkinson's disease) and my other uncle has a mental disability (Down’s Syndrome). | knew at a young age Not to be fearful of people with disabilities and treat them just like anyone else. While | was taking classes at UC Davis | would work part time as a para educator or an aide at the local schoo! district. There | would work with young kids that have a severe handicap/disability (SH) that were mainstreamed with the average student. SH students would take classes such as art and English, but would also be enrolled in classes such as calculus to show the SH students how to act in a classroom setting. While the advanced students would take difficult math problems the SH students work on modified work such as coloring or learning how to spell.Flores 5 Working with kids with disabilities was fulfilling by itself but it also opened my mind to new possiblities as far as job. When | was hired for the para educator position, | was intimidated but I thought | would give it a week to see if the job will pan out. After a week | remember going outside my house and crying because | felt asf | was an awful person because | didn’t want to work with kids that have disabilities. Some of the best memories of working with the kids in high school is that the kids didn't worry about trivial things like clothes or fashion but you can tell when they are happy or sad: grinning with an infectious smile or seething with rage. | feel it puts perspective on life and on what really matters. A,year or two ago, | was at a Wendy's downtown grabbing a bite and doing errands when | saw a group of intellectually disabled kids with their chaperone entering the fast food chain. | was waiting for my order so I decided to get some condiments and find a table where | could eat lunch. | noticed that the kids were looking at me in awe. I gave a big genuine smile | said, “Hello”. The kids became shy and said, “Hello” with a bashful smile and proceeded to watch me all over the store. | thought about why the kids kept looking at me and wondered if | was the first person that acknowledged them. Then the realization sunk in; they see me as a mentor in the disability community. At the time Iwas walking with a cane and a noticeable limp, and the tone in my right arm looked as if | was carrying something but it was just my limp wrist. These kids could tell that I didn't look like anyone else but they could tell that | was like them. It is much like when people in the LGBT community can “sense our own’. This is when | felt comfortable in my own skin and felt ike a role model in the disability community; at least in this instance.Flores 6 became more confident as a disabled man and also started doing my fieldwork. The fieldwork that | am doing is for my master’s thesis. My study is on Bears: the gay male subculture. I'm writing about masculinity and how it is embodied through semiotics—such as diction, bodily praxis, and fashion (slang, gestures, and whatever ‘gay men are wearing/using). The sites for my project are in San Diego and Palm ‘Springs. Fortunately, | had progressed far enough to end my convalescence and have dived straight into the fieldwork. Part of the process of doing fieldwork is participant observation where | join clubs or go to the events, observe people, and do whatever everyone else is doing. The only difference is that | have to write about it afterwards. In both cities, | go to bars, events, and businesses that have Bear clients including gyms, restaurants, and resorts. The first social club | joined was Bears San Diego, the local Bear group. Since | identify as a Bear, | was instantly welcomed and it is still a drama free group. Bears San Diego is a nonprofit group that runs fundraisers through events at bars, restaurants, and LGBT friendly events. All proceeds go to the community through the San Diego LGBT community Center and other nonprofits such as Special Delivery, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, and the Imperial Court de San Diego. The Bear group will also join fundraisers for a different nonprofit. | joined with Bears San Diego, Fetish Men San Diego (FMSD), and countless cthers to do the AIDS Walk. The group also meets at social events such as the monthly Bear Den and a dinner at a local restaurant where Bears show up en masse, During one of the social events | attended, several of the men suggested | should attend the fetish group (FMSD) because it resonates with my study and who | am.Flores 7 ‘had noticed in both cities that there were intersections in the different subcultures— Bears would also identify as Leatherman, members of the Court, and Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Since they already had experience with Leatherman and BDSM since it was one of the first subcultures | was drawn to after coming out, | decided to pursue the fetish group. FMSD weekly and has an open discussion on topics that are planned but also let the discussion topic change organically. The men's group Promotes maximum interpersonal communication just as the website claims. The group identifies as a tribe and sees individual members as brothers. Recently, the tribe's elder, Papa Tony, asked the group if anyone felt pressured, ostracized, or belittled during a group discussion meeting or a demonstration to hold up their hand. No one held their hand up. The tribe accepts men from all experienced levels, race, age, and disabilities. One of the men in the tribe is deaf but has a cochlear implant so he can speak. He shared with the group that he is disabled and explained that we can't put on our disability as ifit were a change of clothes, or being gay. It is part of who we are. In order to show who | am, | use fashion to express my feelings and causes. | will often wear a T-shirt that says “Legalize Love” while walking around Hillorest or any of the causes | promote. | am a gay, Chicano, cis gendered disabled man. The embodiment | use through fashion is simple and straight to the point— just like me. | use the bear philosophy, according to Peter Hendon, the author of Faeries, Bears, and Leathermen-- | have and use a rugged masculinity. Even at the gym, people have told me that | am a machine or intense. Little did they know that | identify as a fat band nerd at the gym, and I go as if I'm addicted simply because ! have to rehabilitate my entire right side of my body and work on my gait. Now after constant therapy, exercise, andFlores 8 losing 170 pounds, | pass as able-bodied—just as | pass as straight or white because | have a lighter complexion. | never try to pass as anyone but myself; including the scared fat band nerd at the gym. This is what it means to be part of both the LGBT and disabled communities— the intersections of who | am. 1 am an academic, teacher, mentor, friend, a Bear, a Leatherman, an activist, an advocate, a fat band nerd, a #TruvadaWhore, a Chicano, and a gay disabled man. My main cause is HIV/AIDS prevention, education, and trying to remove the stigma of people who are living with HIV/AIDS. | am fortunate to be able to use my education in a positive way to help our community. | plan to go on fighting for my causes and hopefully other LGBT disabled people could use Doug's Scholarship to further their education,