MEET THE SPARTANS

We hear rousing orchestral fanfare and a woman chanting over

the REGENCY and MEET THE SPARTANS title. THUNDER crashes.
EXT. PIT OF SKULLS - NIGHT
A cliff that oversees a pit of skulls.
MALE NARRATOR
In the land of Sparta... when babies
were born... the elders would
inspect them for defects. If any
imperfections were found... the baby
was rejected.
Spartan Man uncovers the baby. The baby is SHREK.
SHREK
(Scottish accent): Ah. Are you my
mama? 'Cause I'm ready to suckle a
teat.
Shrek projectile vomits on the Spartan Man and cackles. The
Spartan Man wipes the vomit off of his face and punts Shrek
off of the cliff.
The Spartan Man reveals a baby with Asian features.
MALE NARRATOR
And if the baby... was Vietnamese...
Brangelina had first dibs.
The Spartan Man gives the Vietnamese Baby to Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie, both wearing contemporary clothing. Brad
Pitt and Angelina Jolie fawn over the baby while Spartan Man
shakes his head.
Spartan Man uncovers BABY LEONIDAS. The baby has a large
thick beard as if he were a Spartan adult.
MALE NARRATOR
Behold Leonidas...
BABY LEONIDAS
(Adult voice)
AH-OOH!
MALE NARRATOR
The perfect Spartan.
The camera pans down to reveal that Baby Leonidas already
has well defined abs. Spartan Man nods his head, chuckles
and stamps the baby's buttocks with a stamper. The stamp
reveals "INSPECTED BY #12"

CUT TO:
INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY
A sand-covered training area for fighting.
A fist flies toward screen and hits YOUNG LEONIDAS (10).
Young Leonidas also has a large full beard as if he were an
adult.
MALE NARRATOR
From an early age... Leonidas was
taught to fight.
Leonidas is sparring with an ELDERLY WOMAN(80s).
ELDERLY WOMAN
Come on, you little shit! Come on!
You can't beat me. You're never
gonna be a Spartan, never.
YOUNG LEONIDAS
Take this, Granny!
Young Leonidas punches the Elderly Woman and her dentures
fly out towards the camera in a slow motion 3-D effect.
FADE TO:
INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY
TEENAGE LEONIDAS (16, portrayed by Sean Maguire, who is
adult) sits bound in a chair. He has braces and acne.
MALE NARRATOR
He was tortured, taught to show no
pain.
Swinging a thick knotted rope is LE CHIFFRE from the film
Casino Royale. Blood violently squirts from his left eye and
down his face.
LE CHIFFRE
Tell me, Mr. Bond... what is the
account number?
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Who the hell is Mr. Bond? I'm
Leonidas.
LE CHIFFRE
You're testing my patience,
Double-Oh.

TEENAGE LEONIDAS
But I am not DoubleLe Chiffre hits Teenage Leonidas in the testicles with the
rope.

OH!

TEENAGE LEONIDAS
(Screams)
Le Chiffre laughs and strikes him again. Close-up on Teenage
Leonidas's swollen testicles.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Oh! Little Miss Sunshine!
Le Chiffre holds a can of Pedigree dog food next to Teenage
Leonidas' face, logo towards camera.

Oh, oh- -

TEENAGE LEONIDAS
(TREMBLING):
Le Chiffre holds a large spoonful of dog food up to his
face.
LE CHIFFRE
Here's a nice one.
Le Chiffre spreads the dog food on Teenage Leonidas's
testicles.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Oh- - (whimpering) No, no, no.
LE CHIFFRE
That's right.
Le Chiffre holds a dog next to Teenage Leonidas.
LE CHIFFRE
Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet
Captain Adorable. - (dog growls) Good boy. Good boy. Who's a good
boy?
The dog licks Teenage Leonidas's testicles. Leonidas
struggles in his chair but smiles also.
The dog bites Teenage Leonidas's testicles with a LOUD
CRUNCH. Teenage Leonidas yells.
FADE TO:

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

It is snowing heavily. Teenage Leonidas is cowering and
rubbing himself for warmth.
MALE NARRATOR
Leonidas was sent into the wild...
to learn how to survive. (shivering)
He braved the elements... endured
starvation.
Teenage Leonidas sees and picks up a SUBWAY Fresh Fit
Footlong sub. He takes a bite, chews it, and spits it out,
disgusted.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
No mayo? This is bullshit!
CUT TO:
POV shot from the perspective of THE BEAST.
MALE NARRATOR
The beast stalks Leonidas... red
eyes glowing like the fires of hell.
We see The Beast's glowing red eyes. A suspenseful theme
builds. As the music builds, we see The Beast resembles a
penguin. The music changes to dance music and the Penguin
starts tap dancing.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
(Laughs)
Man, you've got happy feet!
A record needle SCRATCHES and the music stops. The Penguin
talks in a pronounced African-American urban dialect.
THE BEAST
What you laughin' at, asswipe? I'm
about to shove my happy foot up your
ass... - cracker.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Nice penguin.
THE BEAST
Where you going, pussy?
The penguin leaps at Teenage Leonidas feet first and lands
on him, his rear end on Teenage Leonidas's face. The penguin
slaps his face.
THE BEAST

I'm 'bout to make you my bitch,

Leonidas. Lick my snowballs.
CLOSE-UP of The Penguins' now human like testicles on
Teenage Leonidas' lips and tongue. The Penguin turns around
and bends over, sticking his butt on Teenage Leonidas's
mouth.
THE BEAST
Now eat my penguin asshole.
The Penguin farts repeatedly.
THE BEAST
That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Oh, it smells!
Close-Up of the Penguin defacating a stream of white feces
into Teenage Leonidas's face and mouth.
THE BEAST
Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.
Teenage Leonidas throws The Penguin off. He backs into a
corner, and The Penguin follows him.
THE BEAST
You dead, Leonidas. Say "Wassup?" to
Anna Nicole for me.
The Penguin jumps toward Teenage Leonidas, but Teenage
Leonidas leaps backwards and The Penguin becomes stuck
between two jagged rocks.
THE BEAST
Shit! I'm stuck! Oh, we got a
penguin pinned down! Help! Help!
The Penguin grunts. Teenage Leonidas sees a harpoon inside
of a glass cabinet that reads IN CASE OF PENGUIN ATTACK
BREAK GLASS. He breaks the glass and grabs the harpoon.
THE BEAST
Oh! My ass! My ass hurt! Oh! Why you
wanna do me like that? Come on, man,
I could hook you up. We could work
it out. I'll suck your dick!
Teenage Leonidas spears The Penguin with the harpoon.
FADE TO:

INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY

Teenage Leonidas enters, shown wearing the scalped head and
flippers of the penguin as a cowl.
MALE NARRATOR
And the boy that was cast into the
wild... returned a king!.
Spartan soldiers kneel before him. He looks around, and
throws his cowl to some Female Fans, who fight over the
item.
Loud Techno music plays. Margo (Carmen Electra) emerges
suggestively licking a lollipop. Teenage Leonidas is
entranced. She nearly reveals her buttocks and shows off her
cleavage.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Whoa...boobs...
She playfully beckons for him to come over, which he does.
She hands him a Sharpie marker.
MARGO
Sign my rack?...And they're real,
too.
TEENAGE LENOIDAS
Yes! (laughs)
He signs her cleavage "MARRY ME?"
Marry me?

TEENAGE LEONIDAS
Margo laughs and writes "12-45-19" on Teenage Leonidas's
chest.
TEENAGE LEONIDAS
What's that?
MARGO
The combination to my chastity belt.
Camera pans down. Margon lifts up her skirt and reveals a
steel-plated chastity belt with combination lock.
TEENAGE LENOIDAS
(excited shuddering) OhMargon knocks on the belt with a STEEL BANGING SOUND. A
crowd of nearby people cheer and whoop. Colorful confetti
falls from the sky.

MALE NARRATOR
Leonidas was stoked. He wed Margo,
and she bore him a fine son. And
life in the land of Sparta was good.
Pan to the sky, then to Leonidas (20s). He is an adult. He
is sparring with his SON.
LEONIDAS
Yes! Yes! Good!
SON
Thanks, Dad.
Son jabs Leonidas and runs around him to attempt to put him
in a headlock. Leonidas grabs his Son by the head and whips
him around to the ground. Margon looks on.
LEONIDAS
Give me your hand. Remember, Son: A
warrior must learn to take a hit.
Leonidas violently headbutts his Son.
LEONIDAS
(Points to His Heart) Fight with
your head: (Points to his brain)
think with your heart.
Huh?

SON
MARGO
Give him the pile driver, honey.
SON
Pile driver?
Leonidas picks up his Son, and gives him a piledriver. Son
screams, a loud CRUNCH, and then stops.
MARGO
That's my boy.
Leonidas gives his son a flying elbow drop in slow motion.
Son screams. CAPTAIN (40s, Kevin Sorbo) appears.
My queen.

CAPTAIN
MARGO
Captain.

Offscreen you hear Son yelling "NO!" as he is being beaten.

CAPTAIN
I see Leonidas is molding our future
king of Sparta... to be a man.
Leonidas chases his Son with a chainsaw.
CAPTAIN
I remember when my father used to
beat me.
Leonidas hits his son with a steel chair.
MARGO
Traditional rites of passage.
Leonidas smashes a vase over his Son's head.
CAPTAIN
No. My father was an alcoholic.
Leonidas shoots his son with a paintball gun. As his Son
struggles, we see Margo and Captain are also firing at him.
CAPTAIN
Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.
Leonidas exhales, then shoots a last shot, which hits his
Son directly on the forehead.
EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY
MESSENGER (40s) stands with some other Persian soldiers.
MESSENGER
Greetings, Leonidas.
LEONIDAS
Greetings, messenger.
They shake hands, but then Leonidas gives Messenger a loud
kiss on the lips. Messenger spits, replused.
MESSENGER
What the hell was that?
What?

LEONIDAS
MESSENGER
You just kissed me!
LEONIDAS

That is how men of Sparta greet one

another. High fives for the women...
(Leonidas high fives Margo)
and open-mouth tongue kisses for the
men.
(Leonidas and Captain nod at
each other.)
Messenger and the Persian guards look at each other.
Messenger looks around sees several scantily-clad Spartan
Men touching and rubbing each other and wearing revealing
clothing.
MESSENGER
Ooh. I get it.
Get what?

LEONIDAS

MESSENGER
Uh... y-you have a... "free society"
here.
LEONIDAS
Yes. The freest.
MESSENGER
Uh, not that there's anything wrong
with that.
Captain whispers to Leonidas. Margo whispers to Messenger.
MARGO
I dig big black dudes.
MESSENGER
Yeah. Come, messenger, let us walk.
Leonidas offers Messenger his hand. He takes it, and
Leonidas makes them swing their arms up and down as they
walk.
MESSENGER
The great Xerxes has taken over the
world... with his vast Persian
army... and has set his sights on
his final conquest- Sparta.
Leonidas lets go of Messenger's hand.
LEONIDAS
Let us talk by the giant pit of
death.

Okay.

MESSENGER

EXT. GIANT PIT OF DEATH - DAY

A sign points toward the Giant Pit of Death saying "PIT OF
DEATH"
MESSENGER
Xerxes is a kind god-king... and
offers these... peaceful
alternatives to war. No blood will
be shed... as long as you Spartan
men build his pyramids... your women
become his sex slaves... and your
children... work at sweatshops...
making Nikes.
Messenger holds up a red Nike shoe.
COUNCILMAN TRAITORO appears (30s, Diedrich Bader) He holds
up a book titled "TREASON FOR DUMMIES".
TRAITORO
That sounds reasonable.
CAPTAIN
I'm sure you would think so,
Councilman Traitoro.
Leonidas turns and looks at the various Spartan Villagers.
woman sings slow, exotic, ethereal theme as the wind
whistling softly.
LEONIDAS
Tell Xerxes...to take his
proposal... and shove it!
Camera reveals Messenger and Margo vigorously tonguekissing. Leonidas turns and points his sword towards
Messenger.
LEONIDAS
What the hell?!
MARGO
What? He came on to me!
MESSENGER
I did not. Dawg, your wife's a ho.
LEONIDAS

This means war! Hey, hey, hey, it's

cool, it's cool. Uh, we got San
Francisco... and West Hollywood. We
don't need Sparta. (chuckles) I'll
just tell Xerxes it's a "no go."
Messenger and Traitoro make pointing and fist bumping
gestures towards each other.
MARGO
Kick his ass in.
MESSENGER
This is madness!
LEONIDAS
Madness? This is Sparta!
A large amount of saliva flies from Leonidas's mouth to
Messenger's face.
Leonidas kicks Messenger into The Giant Pit of Death
TRAITORO
Why did you do that? He was backing
down.
Leonidas kicks a Persian soldier into the pit.
TRAITORO
My lord, he will tell Xerxes that
Sparta is not for them, so, whatever
you do...
Leonidas hits the remaining Persian soldier with a leaping
dropkcik into the Pit.
TRAITORO
don't kick him into the pit of
death. Stop kicking people into the
pit of death. Really!
They are about to leave. Suddenly POP MUSIC plays. They turn
and see BRITNEY SPEARS, sitting on a barber chair and
holding an infant. She is wearing very trashy clothing and
shaving her head.
WOMAN:
BRITNEY SPEARS
(singing)
Oh, no, Oh, yeah, Uh-huh, yeah.
(talking)
I don't know why y'all... have to

always get on my back for

everything. I'm a responsible adult.
Look at me- I'm booby-feeding my
baby. Sometimes I like to give him
fried milk. I call 'em milk poppers.
It's just like breast milk, but it's
fried. And you just pop 'em in your
mouth. He loves 'em. Don't you,
baby!
(singing)
# Goo-goo, gah-gah # # Gah-gah,
gah-gah-gah-gah. # (raspy panting)
I'm a smart shopper. I got this
entire outfit in an alleyway from a
Mexico woman.
(singing)
# Bargain # # Shopping # #Yeah. #
Why do y'all think I'm messed up?
Shit! Do I look crazy to you?
Close-up of Britney Spears's bare vagina. It is pixelated.
Leonidas kicks her into the pit.
(ECHOING): OH... MY GOD!
KEVIN FEDERLINE appears.
KEVIN FEDERLINE
Aw, damn, cuz! There goes my
palimony! K-Fed ain't havin' it, yo.
BRITNEY SPEARS
(falling)
K-Fed, come back to me, please!
Please? I'll let you under my skirt.
KEVIN FEDERLINE
There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo.
Leonidas kicks him into the pit. They are about to leave,
but then hear LOUD BAD SINGING. They turn and see SANJAYA
MALAKAR from American Idol.
SANJAYA
(singing)
# Oh, yeah! # #Ah-ah-ah, yeah! #
(singing off-key): # Ooh-ooh-ooh! #
(screeching): #Yeah!#Yeah! #
A GIRL (10) is sobbing. Leonidas walks up to Sanjaya and
kicks him into the pit.
SANJAYA

(singing)
# I'm not gay!
Leonidas tries to walk away. Suddenly, RYAN SEACREST
appears.
LEONIDAS
Ryan Seacrest?
RYAN SEACREST
How did you feel about that kick?
Let's see what the judges have to
say. - Randy?
The American Idol judges RANDY JACKSON, PAULA ABDUL, and
SIMON COWELL are there.
RANDY JACKSON
Yo, Leo, dawg, man... I, I wasn't
really feelin' you on that kick,
dawg. I don't know what happened,
man. It was just all right for me,
dawg. - I mean, just all right,
dawg.
Paula?

RYAN SEACREST
PAULA ABDUL
Leonidas... you... move me. (voice
breaking):
RYAN SEACREST
I don't- Simon?
SIMON COWELL
Leonidas... I thought the kick...
was utterly... dreadful.
PAULA ABDUL
Oh... SimonSIMON COWELL
In fact, I've seen better kicks...
from a geriatric donkey. And I'm not
talking about you, Paula. I
RYAN SEACREST
I am sorry, King... but your journey
ends here.
LEONIDAS
Oh, go (bleep, American Idol logo
appears over mouth during bleep)

yourselves!
Leonidas pushes them into the Pit of death. He walks over to
Ryan Seacrest who is sobbing.
Camera pans down to reveal Ryan Seacrests pants. Ryan is
urinating himself. Leonidas motions to the pit and Seacrest
jumps in.
RYAN SEACREST
Seacrest out!
CAPTAIN
Excellent work, my king. It's time
to consult with the prophets.
Leonidas flips a nearby switch that says GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
Those who were just kicked into the pit swirl around as if a
toilet is flushing.
EXT. ANCIENT PROPHET'S SANCTUARY
A full moon overlooks an open space where the Ancient
Prophets gather. The Ancient Prophets are very ugly and have
yellow, cracked, blistered skin.
MALE NARRATOR
The ancient prophets were advisers
to the king. Grotesque swine, their
consult came with a bribe.
Leonidas drops a bag filled with skin-care accessories. The
prophets jump and scramble to pick up the items.
MALE PROPHET #1
Oh. Oh, Oxy 10. Oh, Neutrogena. This
has an SPF. Th-This is all-day
protection. Look at this. Exfoliator
with alpha hydroxy. This is good for
you, Glenn. Rub it all over your
disgusting face. What need you, King
Leonidas?
LEONIDAS
Ancient prophets... I need your
guidance. I'm assembling an army of
300 to go to war with Persia. I'm
going to take them in the rear.
Leonidas uses his finger to draw a path in the sand. The
Prophets giggle at every reference to gay sex.
LEONIDAS
(Cont'd)

Here, here. And then I'm gonna reach

around... (chuckles) ...and I'm
gonna take them again from the
front! (snickering) What?! Why are
you sniggering?!
PROPHET#1
Nothing. It's- no-nothing- - (clears
throat) - (snickering continues)
LEONIDAS
What's so damn funny?! Look, it's
all there for you to see!
Leonidas's path resembles an erect penis entering a butt.
LEONIDAS
These are battle formations!
PROPHET#1
(chuckling): Battle form- That's
what he calls them! It looks like
backstage at an Elton John concert!
LEONIDAS
Cut it out! This isn't funny! This
is serious business!
PROPHET #2
No Spartan goes to war... without
first consulting... the oracle!
Ethereal, ominous music plays. THE ORACLE is shown. She is
wearing a flowing loose white garment and dances as if in a
trance as the wind blows her dress.
MALE NARRATOR
The prophets chose only the most
beautiful... of Spartan girls to be
their oracle.
The Oracle is revealed to be UGLY BETTY.
LEONIDAS
Oh- Ugly Betty?
PROPHET #2
She has a great personality.
Eww!

LEONIDAS
PROPHET #2
I look like Jabba the Hutt. That is

hot to me.
Ugly Betty sneezes and blows snot and phlegm all over
Leonidas and the Prophets. She passes out. Prophet#1 walks
up to her, licks her face, her lips, and then sticks his
tongue in her nostril. She wakes up and whispers to Prophet
#2, who deciphers.
PROPHET #2
"Fo' shizel my nizzel." (indistinct
whispering) "Save the cheerleader...
save the world."
LEONIDAS
Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes.
PROPHET #2
"Douche bag says what?"
What?

LEONIDAS
((snickering) (prophets
snickering) (whispering
indistinctly)
PROPHET#2
"Chest waxer says what?"
What? -

LEONIDAS
PROPHET#2
(snickering) (chortling)
(chuckling)
He walked into that one.
LEONIDAS
What, what are you saying to me? I
don't understand.
ORACLE
Go to war with Persia and you will
surely die.
PROPHET#2
You're screwed, dude.
INT. LEONIDAS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Leonidas stands naked in a doorway, looking at the moon.
Some nearby FEMALE VILLAGERS are laughing at him, pointing
at his genitals.
What?!

LEONIDAS

FEMALE VILLAGER #1
(laughter continuing)
He looks like a Ken doll! (laughter
continues)
Camera pans to Leonidas's genitals. They are the smooth,
untextured surface similar to a Ken doll.
LEONIDAS
It's cold!
Leonidas puts on a cloth, and walks over to bed. Margo lies
there, and he looks at her arm. A tattoo reads "LEONIDAS WAS
HERE", he looks further, and it says "SO WAS...TOMMY LEE"
LEONIDAS
Tommy Lee?
More tattoos says "KOBE, SHAQ"
LEONIDAS
SHAQ?
More tattoos say "DR. PHIL, TARA REID, BORAT"
Borat?

LEONIDAS
More tattoos say "AND THE OAKLAND RAIDERS"
LEONIDAS
The Oakland Raiders?
MARGO
Why is my king so restless?
LEONIDAS
Can't sleep. It's this whole Battle
of Thermopylae thing.
MARGO
Are you still thinking about what
that young oracle said? (sighs)
There's only one woman whose words
you should listen to.
Oprah.

LEONIDAS
MARGO
Your wife? Right, right. How will I
be tried... in the court of public
opinion?

Margo grabs a laptop.

MARGO
Well, Harry Knowles at "Ain't It
Cool News"... says this movie is
just a cheap rip-off of 300.
Leonidas holds the graphic novel of "300". The Female
Villager's laughter is overheard. Leonidas flings the book
away, and it hits Female Villager#1 in the face.
MARGO
Even if the oracle doesn't support
you, I do. And Sparta does. This
could be our last night together.
You wanna do it?
LEONIDAS
Like we've never done it before.
(exhales) (passionate, breathy
moaning) (sighs
Various shots of Leonidas and Margo moaning passionately.
LEONIDAS
...97... 98... ...99...
(grunting):100!
It is revealed that Leonidas is bench-pressing Margo.
LEONIDAS
Beat my record.
Leonidas throws Margo onto the floor. She screams.
EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY
Leonidas greets Captain are outside the village.
LEONIDAS
Captain.
CAPTAIN
My king.
They share an open mouth kiss. Captain pulls a long beard
hair out of his mouth.
LEONIDAS
Have you assembled my army who are
ready... to fight to the death for
the freedom of Sparta?
CAPTAIN
Yes, King.

The Spartan Army is revealed. It is 9 men.

LEONIDAS
I wanted 300. This seems like...
less.
CAPTAIN
These were the only men who met with
your stringent... specifications.
(Reads from a scroll)
"Hunky with deep Mediterranean
tans... "hot bods..." and, uh...
"...well endowed."
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Haawoo! Haawoo! Haawoo!
DILIO (Early 20s), a portly young man, screamsDILIO
Ready to fight for you, my king!
Never give up! Never surrender! To
infinity and beyond!
CAPTAIN
He has a lot of heart, my king. And
nice man boobs.
Leonidas grasps Dilio's breasts.
LEONIDAS
Indeed. These men will do. You are a
fine captain, Captain. But a better
friend... there is none.
CAPTAIN
Thank you.
Leonidas massages Captain's shoulder and plays with his
hair. Captain is uncomfortable.
CAPTAIN
Thank you. Thank you.
SONIO (20s), a beautiful blond soldier appears.
LEONIDAS
Mm-hm. Damn! He's got a huge
package.
Sonio is holding a huge box that says UPS on it. He hands it
to Captain.
SONIO

I brought you some fudge. Mom said

that you like to pack it.
CAPTAIN
She's a good woman.
SONIO
Good-bye, Father.
CAPTAIN
(sighs): Farewell, my son.
LEONIDAS
(clears throat) Introductions?
CAPTAIN
King Leonidas, this is my son,
Sonio.
My king.

SONIO
LEONIDAS
Why is he not fighting? Well, he is
not a warrior. And he's my only
son... destined to carry on my name.
LEONIDAS
What do you think?
Leonidas is talking to TYRA BANKS, J. ALEXANDER, and TWIGGY.
They sit on a table that says SPARTA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Yummy.

TWIGGY
J. ALEXANDER
Work it, sister.
TYRA BANKS
I think he's fierce. And if you
don't like it... you can kiss my fat
ass!
Tyra Banks turns and smacks her butt cheek. Her skirt rolls
up and her ass is revealed to be very corpulent and riddled
with acne.
LEONIDAS
OH! Congratulations, Sonio. You're
now on your way to becoming
Sparta's... (whispering): next top
warrior!

Leonidas hands Sonio a headshot with Sonio reclining on a

couch, sword held over his genitals.
Spartan!

MARGO
Leonidas walks over to his Son.
LEONIDAS
My child... I shall never forget
you. You are so small now... but one
day you will grow to be big and
strong... like your father.
MARGO
That's not your son.
Leonidas looks closer and sees that his son is actually a
little person.
LITTLE PERSON
You asshole.
Little Person walks away. Leonidas walks over to his real
son.
LEONIDAS
Take care of your mother. Stay
tough, Son.
Leonidas punches his son in the face.
MARGO
Come back with your shield... or on
it.
LEONIDAS
And if I come back on it, I want you
to move on.
MARGO
I would never.
LEONIDAS
Hell, if you died, I'd play the
field. To be honest... I've always
wanted to do a fat chick.
Margo hands Leonidas a pendant with The penguin's severed
beak on it. They high-five.
CAPTAIN
The men are ready, my king.

LEONIDAS
Good. We'll head south to the Hot
Gates... where we'll intercept the
Persian army.
Some Councilmen appear.
COUNCILMAN #1
Where are you going? The oracle said
if we went to war, we'd be screwed.
LEONIDAS
The oracle also said that our
painted-on abs look fake. But I beg
to differ.
Leonidas turns and sees a person spray-painting fake abs
onto Dilio. Dilio giggles.
LEONIDAS
Give the order, Captain.
Traitoro is texting somebody on a Blackberry.
The Blackberry screen reads:
"TO: XERXES@hotgatemail.com,
OMGROTFLOL"

SPARTANS HEADING SOUTH -

CAPTAIN
Spartans! In formation!
Ah-ooh!

SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Disco music plays. The Spartan soldiers hold hands and skip.
The song "I will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor plays.
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
(Chanting)
# Oh, no, not I # # I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love
# # I know I'll stay alive # # I've
got all my life to live # # I've got
all my love to give # #And I'll
survive # # I will survive # # Hey,
hey
Woo!

CAPTAIN
EXT. CANYON - DAY
The Soldiers skip in holding hands. A sign with

illustrations reads HOT GATES - GAS FOOD SLAUGHTER

MALE NARRATOR
The fearless Spartans... reached the
Hot Gates... where danger lurked
around every corner.
A grotesque back and arm of a CREATURE is seen overlooking
the Spartan Soldiers.
LEONIDAS
Halt skipping!
The Soldiers break ranks.
MALE NARRATOR
Exhausted from the journey... the
Spartans replenished their
electrolytes.
Sonio catches a Gatorade from off-screen.
Dramatic sports music plays. The Spartans drink the
Gatorade, give the camera thumbs up, and their sweat is seen
as the color of the Gatorade they are drinking.
MALE NARRATOR
Gatorade. Is it in you?
Dilio is greedily stuffing his face with donuts from a stack
of Krispy Kreme donuts.
CAPTAIN
What do you think, my king?
LEONIDAS
We'll use the narrow passageway of
the Hot Gates to funnel the Persians
in... where their vast numbers won't
count for shit. Captain, have the
men found any other trails that the
Persians could use to attack us?
CAPTAIN
None, sir.
The creature appears hidden by a shield, showing only a
woman's legs.
CREATURE
(in low, distorted voice): I know
such a road, my king.
CAPTAIN

Back off, hideous creature.

CREATURE
There's a secret goat path just
above the Hot Gates. If the Persians
found it, they could outflank you.
LEONIDAS
Slow your roll, Captain. Reveal
yourself, creature.
The creature reveals herself. It's Paris Hilton. She looks
the same except she has a grotesque hump-back and her left
arm is lumpy and disfigured.
LEONIDAS
Paris Hilton?
PARIS HILTON
Hey, fellas.
LEONIDAS
What happened to you?
PARIS HILTON
(chuckles): Oh. You mean the hump?
LEONIDAS
...Yeah. The hump.
PARIS HILTON
It was all that, "You're going to
jail. "Now you can get out of jail.
Now you're going back to jail." And
on and on and on and on- Ugh. It's
just been really confusing. I mean,
even Tinkerbell's affected by it.
She hasn't moved since Saturday. But
she still poops, which is weird.
Paris Hilton points to her chihuahua, which is obviously a
prop.
PARIS HILTON
(sighs): And me... they've turned me
into this, like... totally grotesque
monster! (crying): And I don't even
know... (hip-hop ringtone plays): #
Do tha hump-de-hump...do me
baby...do tha hump-de-hump #
PARIS HILTON
(on phone)
Hang on a minute. Oh- (groans)

Hello? Oh, hey, Nicole. Nothing.

Just some guys with swords. No, I'm
talking about their actual swords,
Nicole. You're gross. Yeah, I'm
hungry. Did you eat? Oh, you ate an
almond? Oh, yeah, you're done eating
for the day. Okay. And then let's go
to Pinkberry. Bye, sexy. (kiss)
(laughs) Look... it's my dream to be
a Spartan. I want to fight for you,
my king.
LEONIDAS
What can you do?
PARIS HILTON
Well- Mmm. Have you seen my video?
LEONIDAS
I don't like the way you handle a
spear.
(Grabs spear from Paris
Hilton)
You grip the shaft firmly. Then with
one hand on the base... you slide
the other all the way up to the tip.
PARIS HILTON
That's hot.
LEONIDAS
I'm sorry, but we cannot use you.
PARIS HILTON
(groans, pants) No! It's not fair!
Mom! You'll be sorry! You're making
a terrible mistake!
Paris Hilton throws her shield in the air in anger.
PARIS HILTON
(yells) I'm not as stupid as I look!
The shield hits her on the head with a CLANG. As she falls,
focus on her bare vagina, which is pixelated.
Help.

PARIS HILTON
DILIO
Look! Persians!
Ominious music plays. A small Persian army appears, led by a
Persian Emissary (METHOD MAN)

Close-up of their faces, with some masks having exaggerated

silly teeth and tongues sticking out.
PERSIAN EMISSARY
I am the emissary to the great
god-king Xerxes... come to accept
your surrender.
LEONIDAS
Oh, we're not here to surrender.
Haawoo!

SPARTAN SOLDIERS
PERSIAN EMISSARY
(laughs) Xerxes will enjoy
making you his slaves.
Dilio is enraged. He runs, grabbing a sword. He jumps off a
nearby rock towards the Emissary, and jumps over the Persian
army, colliding with a wall. Falling off the wall, he lands
genitals-first onto a tree branch.
Spartans!
Yah!

LEONIDAS
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
LEONIDAS
Let's battle! Oh, we about to stomp
the yard.
The valley ground is replaced by a sleek black marble
surface. The Spartans do a heavily choreographed stomp
dance.
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
(chanting): We are the Spartans. We
stomp the yard. Check out our buns.
They are rock hard.
The Spartan Soldiers flex their butt cheek muscles. Persian
Emissary does exaggerated fake chuckling.
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Ooh, ooh. Spartans! Yeah! (Spartans
cheering)
PERSIAN EMISSARY
Persians! Let's show 'em why we're
national champs three years runnin'.
You dig?

The Persians do a heavily choreographed stomp dance.

PERSIAN SOLDIERS
We like wearing turbans and eating
baklava. We like chicks with
burkas... that cover their ta-tas.
Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah! Persians, huh! The Persians turn and drop their pants, exposing their hairy
buttocks. The Spartan soldiers cringe.
Close-up of the Persian Soldiers' hairy buttocks.
Close-up of an iPod Classic. It says "NOW PLAYING XERXES
MIX"
The Spartan Soldiers do a new dance filled with backflips,
jumping flips, and cartwheels. Persian Emissary and the
Persian soldiers are mystified.
Persian Emissary leads the Persian Soldiers in a dance in
which he dances on rollerblades. He attemps to skate over
the bodies of some Persian soldiers but one of them
accidentally sticks his leg up and the Emissary is hit in
the testicles.
The Spartan and Persian
dancing, culminating in
attempts to head-slide,
breaks off of his body.

soldiers perform some wild breaka move in which King Leonidas

but his spine breaks and his head
The Soldiers wince.

Leonidas stands up, and cracks his head back into position.
He is fine.
LEONIDAS
You got served! (cheers, shouts,
whooping.
King Leonidas turns and looks at a panel of DANCING WITH THE
STARS judges LEN GOODMAN, CARRIE ANN INABA, and BRUNO
TONIOLO all present a score of "10".
PERSIAN EMISSARY
You telling me we lost?
LEONIDAS
Dance them to the cliffs! No mercy!
PERSIAN EMISSARY
Come on, man, can we talk about
this? Yo, I just met these dudes
right here. I don't even know them.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY

CAPTAIN
Onward! Keep dancing, boys!
The Spartan Soldiers push the Persian Soldiers over the
cliff. Some of them jump off a diving board.
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Last one in is a rotten egg! Cannonball! Marco! (splash)
(echoing): Polo! (splash)
HYAH!!!

SPARTAN SOLDIERS
LEONIDAS
We may have won the battle, but they
will win the war!
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Hyah! What?
ROCK MUSIC plays. The Spartan Soldiers are seen holding
beers, similar to a Budweiser "Real Men of Genuis"
commercial. The Spartans are looking at each other, confused
at the off-screen voices.
ANNOUNCER
Buttmeister presents... "Real Men of
Genius."
SINGER
# Real men of genius!
ANNOUNCER
Today we salute you... Mr.
Warmongering Latent Homosexual.
SINGER
# Mr. Warmongering Latent
Homosexual!
ANNOUNCER
# Wearing nothing but leather
underwear and a cape... you charge
your enemy like an oiled-up hairless
wonder.
Leonidas is spraying himself with tanning spray.
SINGER
# Spray-on tan!
ANNOUNCER
# Sure, there's danger- charging

rhinos, stampeding elephants... and

that cute toga-wearing guy named
Chad.
SINGER
# Ooh!
ANNOUNCER
# You only went out on one date...
but you'll remember it... (echoing):
forever, forever...
King Leonidas is chugging a bottle of Valtrex as pills
tumble out of the bottle.
SINGER
#Take your daily Valtrex!
ANNOUNCER
# Your keen instincts tell you to
cut, slice and chop... every man you
see. But enough about your career as
a hair stylist... let's talk war.
SINGER
# Ow! That curling iron is hot! #
ANNOUNCEER
So this Butt's for you, King
Leonidas... because when the going
gets tough... the tough go
antiquing.
Leonidas spits out his beverage in shock at that last
insult.
SINGER
# Mr. Warmongering Latent
Homosexual... # #Yeah.
The men stand proud.
INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - DAY
Margo sits with cucumbers over her eyes. A LOYALIST appears.
LOYALIST
Queen Margo... we must speak.
MARGO
(exhales) Loyalist, what do you
want?
It is revealed that Margo has cucumbers over her eyes, as

well as tomato slices over her nipples, and a slice of

pepperoni pizza over her crotch.
LOYALISTY
Nice tomatoes. Your husband needs
you. You must convince the council
to send more troops to support your
husband.
Margo turns over in a massage table. An ASIAN MASSEUSE rubs
her back.
MARGO
My husband is dead. He told me to
move on. Besides, I'm already
registered on J Date.
The Masseuse walks on her back.
MARGO
A little to the right. - (soft
crunching) - That's it.
LOYALIST
If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take
over... and you will be stripped of
your crown.
MARGO
I won't be queen?
The Masseuse grunts and jumps and plants her knees into
Margo's back. A loud CRUNCH
MARGO
Ow! That's too hard.
LOYALIST
You will lose everything.
The Masseuse violently tramples Margo.
MARGO
Ow! Ooh, stop.
LOYALIST
Your palace, your Mercedes...
The Masseuse violently karate chops Margo's back.
MASSEUSE
Hi-yah!

LOYALIST
...your Nintendo Wii... - (grunts)
The Masseuse violently stomps on Margo's spine.
MARGO
No, no, no, no, no. - (grunts) - Ow!
LOYALIST
...your vaginal regeneration
surgeon...
The Masseuse does a jumping backflip and lands on Margo's
back.
MASSEUSE
HI... YAH!
LOYALIST
...your gardener.
MARGO
(gasps) Antonio?
Margo spots ANTONIO, a hunky Spartan using a leafblower. He
places the leafblower in a suggestive position in front of
his genitals. LATIN MUSIC plays. She blows him a kiss.
MARGO
My husband needs me. I'll do
whatever it takes.
LOYALIST
I will set... the meeting with the
council. But in order to win their
vote... you will need to get
Traitoro's support. He holds great
influence... with the council.
The Masseuse falls from off-screen, landing on Margot's
back, crushing her body and the massage table.
MARGO (O.S.)
There better be a happy ending.
EXT. CANYON - DAY
The Spartans are resting. One of them looks like he is
giving another fellatio. He is actually pulling a sword out
from a sheath.
DILIO
King Leonidas! Xerxes approaches.

MALE NARRATOR
Xerxes. He looked a lot like that
fat guy from Borat.
XERXES (50s, Ken Davitian) appears, transported on a large
golden throne. He puts his hand to his chest.
XERXES
I am the great god-king Xerxes.
He pulls his hand away, and accidentally rips his own nipple
ring off, tearing off his nipple.
Ooh!
Ooh!

XERXES
ALL
XERXES
Ow, ow, ow! Not again! That always
happens.
Xerxes grabs a stapler gun and staples his nipple back on.
Ow!

ALL
Xerxes walks off his golden throne. Persian soldiers attempt
to create some human steps for him to walk on, but one
arrives too late and he falls down.
Damn!

ALL
PERSIAN SOLDIER
Oh, s-sorry, Xerxes.
XERXES
It's cool. It's cool, cool. I'm
fine. I meant to do that. (chuckles)
Xerxes takes out a golden pistol and shoots the Persian
Soldier with it.
Oh, shit!

ALL
XERXES
I'll tell you, kid, you got balls. I
come over here with a big army. We
going to shish kebab your ass.
LEONIDAS

Before this battle is over... people

will know... that even a god-king
can fall.
XERXES
Listen, Leo, I came here to talk.
Just listen to my deal. Ladies!
The set of DEAL OR NO DEAL is revealed. Beautiful women are
on stage with numbered briefcases.
WOMEN
Hi, Xerxes.
A Phone rings
XERXES
Ah, that's probably for me. Hello?
Really? Okay.
(hangs up)
That was the banker. He's
offering... to buy back your
briefcase... for a weekend getaway
for two in Las Vegas, Nevada... at
the Palms Hotel and Casino!
Ooh...

WOMEN
DILIO
I've always wanted to go there!
XERXES
All you have to do is bow down to
me...and surrender Sparta. Deal...
or no deal?
Xerxes presents the red deal or no deal button.
SPARTAN SOLDIERS/LEONIDAS
(yelling, back and forth)
Deal! - Deal! - Take it! Take the
deal! You think I should? No! - Take
the deal! - It's simple. - Take the
deal! - Come on! LEONIDAS: What
about Sparta? - Hit the button! Come on!
WOMEN
Take the deal! Take it! - Take it! Take the deal! Hit the button!
(shouting continues) Take it!
Leonidas slams the casing on the button.

LEONIDAS
No deal! - (groans, angry grunts) Oh, great!
XERXES
By the time I'm finished with you...
Sparta will be annihilated. It will
be as though you never existed. I
will see to it that you are...
written out of the history books.
LEONIDAS
Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes...
because I can't read.
MALE NARRATOR
Xerxes didn't take rejection well.
From every corner of his empire...
he sent his most vicious warriors to
fight.
A group of Trash-Talkers from MTV's YO MAMA appear.
MALE TRASH-TALKER
Yo mama's so ghetto, when she
breast-feeds... Kool-Aid comes out!
The Trash-Talkers explode with laughter. Captain approaches
the Trash-Talker.
CAPTAIN
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought
Tupac Shakur... was a Jewish
holiday! (derisive shouts, laughter)
(clucking like a chicken)
FEMALE TRASH-TALKER and DILIO approach each other.
FEMALE TRASH-TALKER
Yo mama's so fat, her pants size is,
um, um, um... "Bitch, lose some
weight"! (laughter, shouts)
DILIO
Your mama's so butch... Rosie
O'Donnell wouldn't even date her.
Uh-uh! No, you didn't! No, you
didn't! - Whoa! - No, you didn't!
FEMALE TRASH-TALKER
Well, yo mama titties is smaller
than yours. (others hooting) Bounce
some D's on that bitch!

DILIO
Your mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-lot
decided... he doesn't like big
butts! And he ain't lyin'!
Dilio smacks his own butt. Female Trash-Talker punches him
in the face.
DILIO
Oh! Ow! Oh, my eyes! Oh! Oh!
FEMALE TRASH-TALKER
How you like that, huh? - Sit down.
MALE TRASH-TALKER #2 and LEONIDAS approach.
MALE TRASH-TALKER#2
Yo, yo mama's so fat, that when she
farts... Al Gore accuses her of
global warming, dawg. Whew! Cranking
it up!
LEONIDAS
Yes, well, that may be the case, but
your mama's so hairy... the only
language she speaks... is Wookiee! (roars like a Wookiee) - (laughter)
Oh!
The Trash-Talkers try to speak but the Spartan Soldiers
repeat the Wookiee noises.
Close-Up on Xerxes, whos stands on his throne dejected.
MALE NARRATOR
Xerxes watched as his warriors were
defeated. It sent an all-too-human
chill up his spine.
Xerxes pulls out a pack of Dentyne Ice, and holds it up to
the camera.
MALE NARRATOR
Or perhaps that was the Dentyne
Ice... with cool mint crystals.
Xerxes's ice cold breath fogs camera lens.
INT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - NIGHT
Margo fills a cup of water with a ladle. Traitoro
approaches.
TRAITORO

Loyalist said you wanted to see me.

Traitoro snatches the cup of water from Margo and drinks it
up.
MARGO
That's my urine sample.
Traitoro spits it out and throws the cup.
TRAITORO
Tastes like asparagus.
MARGO
Leonidas needs more troops. Without
reinforcements, Sparta will fall
andTraitoro stares at Margo's breasts. Instead of Margo's
voice, we hear "Waahhh-Waahhh" horn music, untilMARGO
I'll do anything for my husband.
TRAITORO
Anything? (exhales seductively) Margo takes off her dress, revealing her breasts. a BOINGING
noise is heard
TRAITORO
Awesome! I'm so getting laid!
Good-bye, virginity. I promise you,
you're not going to enjoy this. But
I suffer from premature ejaTRAITORO writhes and grimaces as he ejaculates.
MARGO
Oh- Mmm. It's okay: I have crabs.
CLOSE-UP of normal-sized crabs scuttling all over Margo's
nether regions.
CUT TO:
INT. TENT - DAY
A tent having an orgy. A man plays on a recorder. Another,
on the bongos. A server is mixing Grey Goose vodka with Red
Bull. Attractive women are rubbing and grinding on each
other. Paris Hilton is there.
XERXES (O.S.)

Betray your beloved Spartans and I

will give you anything you desire.
Paris Hilton sees two attractive women making out.
PARIS HILTON
That's hot.
XERXES (O.S.)
Bow down to me. (barking)
Paris Hilton sees two dogs having sex.
XERXES
Bow down to the great god-king...
Xerxes.
PARIS HILTON
I'm a Hilton. I don't bow. But I do
bend over.
Ah, good.

XERXES
PARIS HILTON
There's a secret goat path into the
Hot Gates. You could totally use it
to defeat Leonidas.
XERXES
Ah- (laughs) And what do you desire?
PARIS HILTON
I want my record expunged. Oh, and I
want that new Chanel purse.
Xerxes claps his hands, and a servant brings her a black
Chanel purse.
PARIS HILTON
Thank you. I want throwing up to be
fun.
XERXES
You got something to say, say it- I
got things to do.
PARIS HILTON
(quietly): What was it? I can't
rememShe places her disfigured hand on her hump.
PARIS HILTON

Oh, God, geez, yeah. (groans) I want

to get this hump removed.
XERXES
(CHUCKLES) MMM!
Xerxes walks over, touches the hump, he licks it, pokes it
and caresses it. He knocks on it.
PARIS HILTON
Will you please just do it? It's
really heavy and really hard to keep
clean.
Done.

XERXES
Xerxes takes a dagger and pops the hump. Puss and bile shoot
out of the hump, spraying him and knocking him across the
room.
EXT. CANYON - DAY
The Spartan Soldiers are resting. Leonidas drinks a foamy
latte from a The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf coffee stand.
LEONIDAS
As long as Xerxes doesn't find the
secret path to the Hot Gates...their
vast numbers won't count for shit.
Sonio emerges and skips towards the soldiers.
My king!

SONIO
LEONIDAS
Catch your breath. (To coffee
server) Vanilla blended. What is it,
boy?
Sonio grabs the Vanilla latte and slurps from the straw.
SONIO
Xerxes has found the secret goat
path through the Hot Gates.
LEONIDAS
Aw, shit! Damn that Paris Hilton.
SONIO
(panting): I hate her. He's deployed
thousands of Persian soldiers
that'll be here any minute.

(panting) (slurps)
Leonidas walks to Dilio.
LEONIDAS
Dilio... how bad are your injuries?
DILIO
Oh, it's, uh- it's just a scratch,
my king.
Dilio turns. You can see through his eyes and through the
back of his skull.Creepy music plays.
LEONIDAS
You've got no eyes.
DILIO
The gods blessed me with a spare.
LEONIDAS
No, they haven't. You just had the
two. Jeremy has the spare.
Leonidas looks at JEREMY, a Spartan soldier with three eyes.
He waves. Leonidas applies a blindfold to Dilio.
DILIO
I can still fight!
Dilio flails his arms wildly and punches a fellow Spartan.
LEONIDAS
Whoa! No! - Dilio! Dilio! - Walk
with me.
Dilio goes the wrong way. He's blind.
LEONIDAS
No. No. No. Your fate is the most
important.
As they walk, Dilio knocks down Spartan soldiers with his
spear.
LEONIDAS
You must go back to Sparta... and
tell of our tale.
DILIO
Yes, my king. Any message for the
queen?
Leonidas takes the penguin pendant and hands it to Dilio.

LEONIDAS
None that need be said. Now go,
Dilio. Tell how 13 Spartans fought
for honor... for glory... for
freedom!
Dilio walks into a rock wall.
LEONIDAS
Good luck, Dilio.
Suddenly, Persian soldiers appear surrounding the edges of
the cliffs overlooking the Spartans. Leonidas grits his
teeth and is so mad, steam is shooting out of his ears like
a cartoon character.
Spartans!

LEONIDAS
The Spartans skip into battle. Xerxes is there on his golden
throne.
XERXES
This is your final chance. Bow down
to me or you will die.
LEONIDAS
I bow for no man!
XERXES
...Take a knee.
No!

LEONIDAS
XERXES
...Curtsey?
Enough!

LEONIDAS
XERXES
Well, your sandal is untied.
LEONIDAS
Oh... thanks very much.
Leonidas bows to tie his sandals.
XERXES
See? Was that that difficult?
LEONIDAS
No, wait, no!

XERXES
Ah-tah-tah-tah-tahLEONIDAS
No, I wasn't bowing.
XERXES
No, no, no.
LEONIDAS
I was just doing my shoe!
XERXES
No, you acknowledged me as your
god-king. High-five!
The Spartans laugh at Xerxes
XERXES
Ooh. What? What-What-What the hell
is so funny?
LEONIDAS
You! You greet like women.
XERXES
You idiots are wearing banana
hammocks and you're laughing at me?
Now you're pissing me off. I'm
getting everybody.
Xerxes takes out a Boost Mobile phone and makes a call.
XERXES
Hello. Where you at? I know where
I'm at. Bring in my vast army. You
13 putz are no match for my massive
Persian army. They number in the
millions!
Two Persian soldiers arrive and set down a blue screen.
LEONIDAS
That's just a blue screen.
XERXES
Stupid. It's a visual effect. It's
going to be digitally inserted
later. And the army is quite
impressive, as you can imagine. Hundreds of warriors are displayed on the blue screen. The
Spartan soldiers gasp and brace themselves.

INT. SPARTAN COURTYARD - DAY

The Loyalists and Councilmen are gathered.
LOYALIST
Gentlemen, may I present... Queen
Margo.
Dance music plays as Margo arrives in clear high heels and a
sexy robe. The Loyalists hoot and holler at her.
LOYALIST #1
Come on, baby. I'm gettin' a chubby.
LOYALIST #2
Boner alert. Boner alert.
LOYALIST #3
Okay, boys, make it rain!
The Loyalists throw dollar bills on Margo as she
provactively dances for them, shaking her breasts and
buttocks. The Loyalists thrust their hips suggestively.
MARGO
Good councilmen... I implore you.
Your king, my dear husband, needs
your help. Sparta will fall... if
you don't agree to send the rest of
our army.
Offscreen, Traitoro claps slowly, then rhythmically, then
slowly again.
TRAITORO
Gentlemen, our only hope for
survival is to surrender to Xerxes
and beg for his forgiveness. Do not
be swayed by the words of this
common prick-tease... with crabs all
up in her coochie.
Ooh-

LOYALISTS
MARGO
Oh, no, you didn't.
TRAITORO
Yes. Yes, I did.
Margo yells and grunts, enraged.
MALE NARRATOR

Queen Margo unleashed a venomous

rage...
Suddenly, a venom symbiote covers her body, and she is seen
wearing a black Spider-Man costume.
MALE NARRATOR
much like Tobey Maguire in
Spider-Man 3.
Traitoro punches Margo. Margo rips the face portion of her
mask off.
TRAITORO
(laughing) I'm evil.
Margo runs up to Traitoro and punches him. Her first goes
right through him, and sand is where his innards should be.
TRAITORO
Made of sand.
Margo kicks Traitoro in the testicles. Traitoro falls to his
knees, spewing sand from his mouth. Two chestnuts pop out of
his mouth.
Margo leaps at Traitoro.
Oh, no.

TRAITORO
Margo crushes Traitoro, who is now just a pile of sand. A
cat walks up to the pile of sand.
MARGO
OH... CUTE.
The cat farts and defecates on the sand.
MARGO
Gross.
Suddenly, Traitoro's sand form spins and he re-forms, but
now the cat turds are on his face. The Councilmen laugh.
TRAITORO
What is it? - (councilmen laughing)
Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God.
Margo picks up a dust-buster.
MARGO

How you like me now, Sandman?

TRAITORO
Oh, no. Dust-busting bitch! No!
Margo vacuums Traitoto as he sinks into the ground.
EXT. MANHATTAN BUILDING - NIGHT
A city skyscraper in Manhattan. Margo is hanging upside down
from some webbing, looking at herself in the mirror.
MARGO
The power...it feels good.
Suddenly, the window opens, and Donald Trump appears.
MARGO
Donald Trump?
DONALD TRUMP
Spidey, ya fired!
Donald Trump grabs a pair of hedge clippers and cuts the
webbing. Margo falls. She tries to shoot some webbing onto
the building, but it latches onto and rips off Donald
Trump's toupee. Donald Trump screams.
CUT TO:
INT. SPARTAN COURTYARD - DAY
Margo is no longer wearing the Venom costume. Loyalist looks
at the sand and picks up Traitoro's Blackberry and looks at
the screen.
LOYALIST
Well, tickly my nipples with a
feather! Xerxes is in Traitoro's Top
5!!!
Traitoro's Top Five Screen shows Xerxes, Don Imus, Nicole
Richie, Rosie O'Donnell, and Justin Timberlake.
ALL
Grumble, grumble, grumbleCOUNCILMAN
Traitoro was a... traitor? - (gasps)
MARGO
Duh! All in favor of sending more
troops... say aye.

ALL
Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!
AyeCUT TO:
EXT. CANYON- NIGHT
Persian soldiers surround the Spartan soldiers as they
prepare for battle.
LEONIDAS
Spartans!
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
A-HOOO!
The Persian soldiers draw their swords.
XERXES
We have you surrounded. Lay down
your weapons!
LEONIDAS
Come and get them!
CAPTAIN
Formation!
Spartan Soldiers in the front bend over, and Spartan
Soldiers in the back piggy-back on to them, their genitals
next to the front soldiers buttocks.
Except Sonio, who stands confused.
LEONIDAS
A Spartan always protects another
man's rear.
Sonio shrugs and then jumps onto Leonidas
LEONIDAS
ADJUST YOUR SWORD, BOY. IT'S DIGGING
INTO MY BACK.
Sonio looks at his sword, which is in his hand.
SONIO
But i'm not wearing my sword.
LEONIDAS
Carry on then.
CAPTAIN

My son. today... you are truly a

spartan.
SONIO
Thanks, father.
XERXES
Attack! (shouting, yelling)
LEONIDAS
Steady, spartans!
The Persian soldiers charge. Two soldiers hold a blue screen
with hundreds of charging soldiers displayed on it.
LEONIDAS
Remember this day, boys! for today
is the day you die!
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Huh? - what? huh? what?
LEONIDAS
I- I mean they die. today's the day
they die- that's what i meant to
say.
The Spartans soldiers yell as the Persian soldiers run into
them. They all knock into each other and fall down.
XERXES
Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits.
LEONIDAS
God, that smarts.
CAPTAIN
I am gonna go hercules on your ass!
In slow motion, Leonidas charges. He knocks down a Persian
soldier and stabs another, his spear hitting a fellow
Spartan soldiers testicles. He takes a wet gym towel,
fashions it into a whip, and whips a soldier. He rips the
shirt off of a soldier and gives them a purple nurple. He
gives another soldier an atomic wedgie. Xerxes screams.
Sonio turns and sees GHOST RIDER.
SONIO
Ghost Rider!
Ghost Rider, riding a motorcycle and swinging a chain,
points at Sonio.

GHOST RIDER
you're going to hell.
Sonio takes a fire extinguisher and sprays it at Ghost
Rider. Ghost Rider falls on the ground and rolls around.
GHOST RIDER
Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and
roll! yo!
Captain stabs Ghost Rider and looks at Sonio with pride.
The Persian soldiers break ranks, revealing that they have
ROCKY BALBOA in chains.
ROCKY BALBOA
YOOOOO!!!!
Close Up of his trunks, which say "ROCKY"
The Persian soldiers release Rocky from the chains.
CAPTAIN
Noooooo!
ROCKY BALBOA
yo, sonio. i'm gonna knock your
block off.
SONIO
oh, shit.
Rocky Balboa swings and knocks Sonio's head clean off. No
blood, just his head flying off his body.
CAPTAIN
Sonio!
Sonio falls to his knees, his headless body giving a
chest-bump and peace sign before falling to the ground.
CAPTAIN
you'll pay for this, balboa.
ROCKY BALBOA
go for it.
Captain punches Rocky and Rocky's toupee flies off. He is
completely bald. Captain punches him in the gut and his
trunks fall off, revealing adult diapers.
CAPTAIN
Adult diapers?

Rocky punches Captain, who falls to the ground.

Captain reaches over and sees a small knife. He almost grabs
it, then sees a pistol. He almost grabs it, and then sees a
large syringe. The syringe says "BOTOX" on it.
Captain grabs the syringe and stabs Rocky in the head with
it.
ROCKY BALBOA
botox... overdose.
Rocky falls to the ground. Captain lifts up Rocky's
championship belt.
CAPTAIN
Yes! yeah! yeah!
Xerxes picks up a spear and throws it at Captain. It goes
right through his stomach.
Yes!

XERXES
Xerxes runs over to his throne and hides, covering his face
like a child playing peek-a-boo.
Leonidas runs to Captain. Captain coughs, mucus running and
bubbling from his nose, phlegm shooting out his mouth.
CAPTAIN
It's a- a beautiful death.
LEONIDAS
...It's actually not that
attractive.
Captain looks confused, then dies.
Leonidas runs, enraged toward Xerxes.
Suddenly, HARD ROCK music plays and the look of the film is
slightly pixelated, and we see the title "GRAND THEFT AUTO
HOT GATES" in the corner, a map HUD in the lower left
corner, and health, money, and wanted levels in the top
right.
Leonidas runs stiffly, he runs up to a MEXICAN GANG MEMBER
in a nearby convertible, picks him up and throws him out of
the car.
He changes the radio music to the song BARBIE GIRL by Aqua.
Leonidas snaps and fist pumps to the music.

LEONIDAS
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
Xerxes spots a glowing blue crowbar. He jumps out of the
convertible and grabs the crowbar.
He runs over to a Persian soldier holding two uzis, hits him
with the crowbar, and then beats his lifeless body.
Leonidas grabs the uzis, turns, and his abs reveal the words
"SAN ANDREAS"tattooed on his abs. Xerxes winces.
shit!

XERXES
Leonidas shoots down dozens of Persian soldiers with the
uzis. The soldiers's bodies fade away.
XERXES
Enough of this gratuitous video game
violence!
Leonidas skips toward Xerxes, who slowly hobbles off his
throne and runs away.
Xerxes trips and falls. He turns and sees that he tripped
over the Allspark from the film Transformers.
XERXES
Ah, the Tranformer cube!!!
Xerxes gets into the convertible with the cube.
XERXES
okay, baby, let's transform.
Leonidas and all the soldiers look on as Xerxes car
transforms, whirs, and honks, until suddenly Xerxes rises
50ft tall as the transformer XERXESTRON.
XERXESTRON
I... am xerxestron... equipped with
advanced alien technology.
Xerxestron points to a monitor on his chest. The monitor
says "YOUTUBE - Broadcast Yourself". Suddenly, CHRIS CROCKER
appears on the monitor, from his "Leave Britney Alone"
video.
CHRIS CROCKER
Leave britney alone!
LEONIDAS
He IS a god-king.

Please!!!

CHRIS CROCKER
Xerxestron slowly walks toward the soldiers, his footsteps
thundering. He slows down. It is revealed he is plugged into
a nearby outlet.
CHRIS CROCKER
leave her alone! She's a human!
Xerxestron, confused, yanks the chord out with his feet, and
then the monitor powers off, and he stumbles.
XERXESTRON
Oh, oh, ain't that a bitch.
Xerxestron falls and the soldiers yell and panic. Xerxestron
crushes all of the soldiers.
MALE NARRATOR
Leonidas was true to his word. A
god-king did fall. But
unfortunately, right on them!
FADE TO:
EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY
Margo stands, looking worried. Dilio stumbles in, feeling
Margo's face with his hands.
DILIO
I-I- I just.
Dilio feels her breast. He laughs, and then feels the other
breast.
DILIO
Ooh. Queen Margo.
Yeah.

MARGO
Dilio hands her the penguin pendant and walks away, arms
outstretched, stumbling.
FADE TO:
EXT. CANYON - DAY
Reveal on Leonidas. He is dead, but he has a wide smile on
his face.
LEONIDAS

Leonidas and the Spartans... died

for honor... for glory. They died a
beautiful death.
Camera slowly reveals that another dead Spartan soldier is
lying on top of him in a "69" position.
FADE TO:
EXT. CANYON - DAY
Same canyon. A title reads "1 YEAR LATER"
DILIO
Today, we stand against Xerxes'
thousand Persians.
A small persian army stands with a blue screen displaying
hundreds more soldiers.
DILIO
But we now have 100,000 soldiers!
The Spartan Soldiers are also holding a blue screen, this
one displaying thousands of soldiers. The Persian soldiers
are scared.
SPARTAN SOLDIERS
Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh!
DILIO
To victory!
Dilio puts his helmet on, stumbles and then points the wrong
way.
DILIO
Ah. Follow me, boys!
Dilio charges the wrong way, and the Spartan Soldiers run
after him.
MALE NARRATOR
And thus, Dilio blindly led the
Spartans away from the Persians.
The Persians stand confused, shrugging.
FADE TO:
EXT. MALIBU - DAY
A modern-day rehab center in Malibu. Dilio and the Spartan
soldiers charge toward the center.

MALE NARRATOR
to Malibu...
Lindsay Lohan appears.
MALE NARRATOR
just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving
rehab... again.
Dilio hits Lindsay Lohan with her shield, and she is sent
flying. The camera zooms in to her skirt, which blows upward
to reveal her bare vagina, which is pixelated. Zoom into
vagina.
CUT TO BLACK
INT. AMERICAN IDOL STAGE - DAY
The stage for American Idol, lights shine as Gloria Gaynor's
I Will Survive plays. The characters sing as the CREDITS
play.
LEONIDAS
#At first I was afraid # # I was
petrified # # Kept thinking I could
never live without you by my side #
MARGO
# But then I spent so many nights #
#Thinking how you did me wrong #
#And I grew strong #
LEONIDAS/MARGO
#And I learned how to get along #
CAPTAIN
#And so you're back # # From outer
space # # I just walked in to find
you here # #With that sad look upon
your face
ORACLE
# # I should have changed my stupid
lock # # I should have made you
leave your key
CAPTAIN/ORACLE
# # If I had known for just one
second # #You'd be back to bother me
TRAITORO
# # Go on, now go # #Walk out the
door # #Just turn around now # #
'Cause you're not welcome anymore #

MESSENGER
#Weren't you the one # #Who tried to
hurt me with good-bye? # # Did you
think I'd crumble? # # Did you think
I'd lay down and die? #
ALL
# Oh, no, not I # # I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love
# # I know I'll stay alive # # I've
got all my life to live # # I've got
all my love to give # #And I'll
survive # # I will survive # # Hey,
hey #
RANDY JACKSON
(yells)
Whassup, dawg?!
(sings)
# Ha-ha! It took all the strength I
had # # Not to fall apart, dawg! #
PAULA ABDUL
# Kept trying hard to mend the
pieces of my broken heart
SIMON COWELL
# #And I spent, oh, so many nights #
#Just feeling sorry for myself #
SANJAYA
# I used to cry
SONIO
# # But now I hold my head up high
XERXES
# #And you see me # # Somebody new #
# I'm not that chained-up little
person # # Still in love with you #
- (music stops) BRITNEY SPEARS appears.
BRITNEY SPEARS
That's "Britney," bitch.
She stumbles around listless like in her VMA 2007
performance.
BRITNEY SPEARS
# And so you felt like dropping in #
#And just expect me to be free # #

Now I'm saving all my lovin' # # For

someone who's lovin' me # # Go, come
on, now, uh! # (rhythmic panting) #
Britney's in the house, where my
babies at? # #Ah, like this #
ALL
# Go, now, go # #Walk out the door #
#Just turn around now # # 'Cause
you're not welcome anymore #
#Weren't you the one # #Who tried to
hurt me with good-bye? # # Did you
think I'd crumble? # # Did you think
I'd lay down and die? # # Oh, no,
not I # # I will survive # # Oh, as
long as I know how to love # # I
know I'll stay alive # # I've got
all my life to live # # I've got all
my love to give # - #And I'll
survive # - That's right, dawg! # I
will survive # # Hey, hey!
The choregraphed music and dance stops and we see all of our
heros on stage.
THE END