Carly Roberts

Zack De Piero
Writing 2
14 October 2015
Standing Strong
According to statistics, one out of every four college women will be the victim of sexual assault
during their academic career. Most will agree that this ratio is unacceptable, and the release of a new yes
means yes consent bill has hit the headlines of many newspapers. The yes means yes legislation

Comment [1]: I like this "statistical evidence move" as

an opener, but (1) what statistics, exactly?, and (2) you
need to cite this sort of stuff, otherwise it looks like you
could've just made it up. (I'm not claiming that you, but
think about it from a critical reader's perspective...)

passed by Governor Jerry Brown in 2015 is aimed toward public California college students and requires
an affirmative and conscious decision to engage in sexual activity. Although each newspaper article is
based on the rhetorical discourse of the new legislation, different conventions and rhetorical analyses are
used to influence the audiences opinion. In addition to the previous no means no legislation, the new

Comment [2]: This is flowing really nicely so far, Chief.

:) However, your use of "each" is throwing me off --
what newspaper articles? You haven't mentioned any
specific ones yet.
Comment [3]: Such as?

yes means yes bill is designed to reduce violent/nonviolent sexual encounters across college campuses,
however, the International Business Times, LA Times, and USA Today are skeptical of its effectiveness.
Particularly, the International Business Times (IBT) is an online news publication that supports
the yes means yes legislation, but believes that cases of sexual assault may be hard to identify. The IBT
offers news, opinion, and editorial commentary on business-related stories, usually attracting the attention
of politicians or business men/women. Just like most articles, IBT grabs the readers attention by the
articles large, bolded title Yes Means Yes Sexual Assault Prevention Law Has Prototype In Many
College Campus Policies. The author gave a background of the bill in the title, so readers can determine
whether or not they want to read the article based on its content. Under the title there is a picture of the
first college to adapt the legislation, followed by several short, choppy paragraphs containing the context
of the article. An important convention is that the author states the counter argument by saying, although
the California bill is a historic step on the state legislative level, the revised language that defines consent
does not necessarily mean sexual assaults have decreased (Mintz). It is important that the author respects
the motives of the new bill because it is acknowledging a serious issue, however requiring a complying

Comment [4]: I have two thoughts, Chief:

1, I need more of a specific, driving thesis statement.
What, exactly, are you going to be arguing here? And
what specific points are you going to use to make that
case? What about the conventions within this genre
will you be emphasizing? Also: do you think itd help
your reader (technically, me) to lay out which specific
sources youll be using to make your case?

2, These aren't super-long or strangely-complex
sentences/ideas, so I think you'd benefit from
combining them.
Comment [5]: I like this topic sentence -- nice'n'specific.
(My only q is: how is this relating back to your thesis?
But I think you'll find out that once you've got a crisper
thesis.)
Comment [6]: Great. Textual evidence/support is the
best way to win readers over.

yes is not going to change the motives of intoxicated teens. Many girls are taken advantage of and it is
difficult to prove whether or not both partners give an endorsing consent to sexual activity. The author

Comment [7]: Excellent follow-up analysis. So you're

basing saying: the author enhances his/her credibility
by incorporating a counterargument, but then he also
stomps it out. :)

uses ethosa strategy to prove the sources credibilityby referring to well known organizations and
other news sources, such as CNN, so the reader believes the text. In addition, Mintz portrays logosthe
argument from reasonby saying that While its too soon to tell if the Yes Means Yes law will be
effective in curbing the rate of sexual assaults on campus, the change in tone is seen as a step in the right
direction (Mintz). Clearly, this new form of consent is new to California schools, therefore, nobody
knows how it will affect students. It would be a miracle if every male, or even female, college student
respected the mental awareness and values of the opposite gender. Overall, the IBT uses many facts and
examples to show that California is making progress and that hopefully the legislation will influence
students to assert their dominance when it comes to sexual activity.
Additionally, the LA Times is a leading source of breaking news, sports, entertainment, and

the simile it will settle like a cold winter on college campuses to show that he believes that this new law

Comment [8]: Chief, Im wondering if your paper would

benefit from re-structuring the organization. Instead of

-Source #1
-Source #2
-Source #3

Could your paper/argument unfold a more
integrated/interwoven way if you did something like:

-Idea #1 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #2 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)?

will not be effective, because winter usually contains bad, cloudy weather, which shows that this new law

Comment [9]: Way to provided *contextualized* textual

support. :)

politics that attracts many people from Southern California and the world. This source focuses more on
the negative aspects of the new bill, because according to Voxs Ezra Klein, if it is actually taken
seriously it will settle like a cold winter on college campuses, throwing everyday sexual practice into
doubt and creating a haze of fear and confusion over what counts as consent (Pearce). The author uses

will just create more of a gray area around the means of sexual consent. Also, the rhetorical question, So
whats the big deal? is used toward the beginning of the article for the readers to understand the purpose
of this topic and how it affects them. An excerpt titled So What? Who Cares? from Saying Why It
Matters, explains that if a writer takes for granted that the audience will somehow intuit the answers to
so what? and who cares? on their own, you [the writer] may make your work seem less interesting
than it actually is, and you run the risk that readers will dismiss your text as irrelevant and unimportant
(Birkenstein & Graff). If the audience cannot connect with the information in the text and is not reminded
why it is important, then it would just be a waste of time to continue reading. The LA Times article did a

Comment [10]: Excellent use of the course readings.

Q, though: is it worth slowing down and breaking down
"Audience" and its importance within these three
sources.
Comment [11]: I think you might be misusing brackets
here. We'll talk about this more in class pretty soon.

good job of using the rhetorical question, So whats the big deal? to connect and engage with the

Comment [12]: Any way you can elevate the language

here? This is pretty casual.

audience by showing how the new bill will most likely affect college students. It also adds to the casual
and informal tone of the article, which attracts more of a younger audience because they can relate to the
context more, while still reaching out to politicians and business-related people. In addition, this LA
Times article included the discourse of feminist writer Katha Politt by stating that she believes affirmative
consent is a feminist dream come true (Pearce). Unlike the other skeptics mentioned in this article,
Politt believes that empowering women and enforcing them to give consent is a miracle, and will only
have a positive impact on society. It is admirable that the author included Politts counter argument
because it helps the article remain unbiased toward the topic, which is an important convention of news
sources. In conclusion, the LA Times comes off as very opinionated and does not have high hopes for the
new consent bill.
Lastly, USA Today is a national newspaper that provides coverage of current events both in and
out of the United States. In comparison of the detailed titles of the other sources, USA Today contains a
short and concise title stating California adopts yes means yes law. Just like its title, this news source
is very short and concise. There are many one sentence paragraphs that just state facts, for example, The
measure will apply to all colleges and universities accepting state financial aid (Welch). Clearly, many
of the conventions are straight to the point, which helps show the neutrality of the article. Instead of
voicing other peoples opinions throughout the entire article, Welch uses many cases of logos to provide
factual detail to the audience. Also, the author uses strong diction such as the word tragic and the
sentence Its very difficult to say no when youre inebriated or someone slips something into your drink
(Welch). This is the first article that has possessed a pathos effect, which makes the audience aware that
scary things actually do happen to students. The diction triggers the readers emotions and helps the
audience empathize for those who have been sexually assaulted. This article possesses a factual and
informative tone, while still keeping it readable for all audiences interested in trending topics.
All three sources contain many consecutive conventions that make it utterly easy to identify the
newspaper genre. Quoting respectable figures, portraying an informative and proper tone, and gathering

Comment [13]: When I see thiseven before I start

readingI think, Ahhhhhhh! Attack of the page-long
paragraph!

See if you like this metaphor:

Pretend your whole paper is a big, juicy steak. Do you
want your reader to enjoy that steak in easy-to-chew,
digestable bites? Or do you want them to start
gnawing away at whole thing in one piece (think:
zombie).
Paragraphs are like those bites.

Give your reader your argument in little, digestable,
one-idea-at-a-time bits.

Readers need to be able to see the different
parts/pieces/bites of the argument that theyre chewing
on.

You've got 5 paragraphs in a 5-page paper... you
could/should have somewhere around 8, 9, or 10.

ideas/facts from other sources are all surface-level features of a news article. The authors of news articles
mainly gather quotes and opinions from other sources and combine them into their own article, meaning
that most of the text is not actually written by them. News articles usually respond to an existing
exigence, and spread awareness of the problem and possible solutions to its audience using rhetorical
discourse. All three sources followed the same structure of a large title and many short/choppy paragraphs
that do not tend to flow. Unless the author is excessively lazy, most news sources are not biased. The

Comment [14]: Why?

sources differ because although the main focus for each one is the yes means yes law, each article has a

Comment [15]: Bias happens when authors are lazy?

You sure?

different approach to the topic. For example, the IBT has high hopes for the new law while still a little
skeptic, however, the LA Times believes that it is basically nonsense. USA Today creates a balance in
between, by focusing mainly on the reasoning for the new consent instead of stating other peoples
opinions. Since all of these are popular sources and people read them on a daily basis, they cannot all
contain the same material. Readers will often jump from source to source in search of different views and
opinions. It is important that every individual develops his or her own opinion and beliefs, which is why
newspapers show opposing views on a topic without ever declaring a wrong point of view.
The new yes means yes legislation is meant to reduce the amount of sexual assaults that occur
on college campuses, but the effectiveness of the affirmative consent is questionable. It is important that
people learn about genres because knowing what a genre is used for can help people accomplish goals,
whether that goal be getting a job by knowing how to write a stellar resume, winning a persons heart by
writing a romantic love letter, or getting into college by writing an effective personal statement (Dirk).
When performing a task, the most successful people are the ones that look at past examples of the genre
to understand its rhetorical features. Many people already do this and do not realize it, which is why genre
is important for everyone. It is important to learn about genresespecially while writingbecause it
helps determine an appropriate response to the situation at hand. As a female college student, it was
meaningful to study the different sources of the newspaper genre regarding the new consent law, because
now I have a better understanding of what to do if Im ever put in a dangerous sexual situation.

Comment [16]: God forbid!

Comment [17]: (Seriously. No sarcasm there.)

















Works Cited
Birkenstein and Graff. So What? Who Cares? New York: Saying Why It Matters. 2010.
Dirk, Kerry. Navigating Genres. Writing Spaces. Parlor Press, 2010. Web. 12 Oct. 2015.
Mintz, Zoe. Yes Means Yes Sexual Assault Prevention Law Has Prototype In Many College
Campus Policies. International Business Times. N.p., 29 Sept. 2014. Web. 10 Oct. 2015.
Pearce, Matt. What They Are Saying Caliornias yes means yes Sexual Standard Has Liberals
Divided. LA Times. N.p., 26 Oct. 2014. Web. 10 Oct. 2015.
Welch, Williiam M. California Adopts yes means yes Law. USA Today. N.p., 19 Sept. 2014.
Web. 10 Oct. 2015.

Did Not Meet

Expectations

Met Expectations

Exceeded
Expectations

Thesis Statement

Use of Textual Evidence

from Genres

Use of Course Readings

X/X-

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Analysis

Deleted:

Organization/Structure

Deleted:

Attention to
Genre/Conventions and
Rhetorical Factors

X+

Deleted:

Deleted:

Formatted: Left
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Formatted: Left

Sentence-level Clarity,
Mechanics, Flow

Other Comments

Chief,

You busted out some super-solid work here. Way to go.
Some thoughts going forward: I want you to break out of the
5-paragraph structure; 5 paragraphs cant accommodate a
readers (in)ability to follow a 5-page paper. Id also like you
to be crystal-clear about what, exactly/specifically, youre
arguing about this genre and about their conventions within
these various sources. Establishing that from the get-go will
enable your readers to read with more purpose (and, likely,
thatll also enable you to write with even more purpose too).

8.5/10

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