ConflictResolutionSkills

ManagingandResolvingConflictinaPositiveWay
Conflictisanormal,andevenhealthy,partofrelationships.Afterall,twopeoplecantbe
expectedtoagreeoneverythingatalltimes.Sincerelationshipconflictsareinevitable,learning
todealwiththeminahealthywayiscrucial.Whenconflictismismanaged,itcanharmthe
relationship.Butwhenhandledinarespectfulandpositiveway,conflictprovidesan
opportunityforgrowth,ultimatelystrengtheningthebondbetweentwopeople.Bylearningthe
skillsyouneedforsuccessfulconflictresolution,youcankeepyourpersonalandprofessional
relationshipsstrongandgrowing.

Thefundamentalsofconflictresolution
Conflictarisesfromdifferences.Itoccurswheneverpeopledisagreeovertheirvalues,
motivations,perceptions,ideas,ordesires.Sometimesthesedifferenceslooktrivial,butwhena
conflicttriggersstrongfeelings,adeeppersonalandrelationalneedisatthecoreofthe
problemaneedtofeelsafeandsecure,aneedtofeelrespectedandvalued,oraneedfor
greaterclosenessandintimacy.

Recognizingandresolvingconflictingneeds
Ifyouareoutoftouchwithyourfeelingsorsostressedthatyoucanonlypayattentiontoa
limitednumberofemotions,youwontbeabletounderstandyourownneeds.Ifyoudont
understandyourdeepseatedneeds,youwillhaveahardtimecommunicatingwithothersand
stayingintouchwithwhatisreallytroublingyou.Forexample,couplesoftenargueaboutpetty
differencesthewayshehangsthetowels,thewayhepartshishairratherthanwhatisreally
botheringthem.
Inpersonalrelationships,alackofunderstandingaboutdifferingneedscanresultindistance,
arguments,andbreakups.Inworkplaceconflicts,differingneedsareoftenattheheartofbitter
disputes.Whenyoucanrecognizethelegitimacyofconflictingneedsandbecomewillingto
examinetheminanenvironmentofcompassionateunderstanding,itopenspathwaystocreative
problemsolving,teambuilding,andimprovedrelationships.Whenyouresolveconflictand
disagreementquicklyandpainlessly,mutualtrustwillflourish.

Successfulconflictresolutiondependsonyourabilityto:
Managestresswhileremainingalertandcalm.Bystayingcalm,youcanaccuratelyread
andinterpretverbalandnonverbalcommunication.
Controlyouremotionsandbehavior.Whenyoureincontrolofyouremotions,youcan
communicateyourneedswithoutthreatening,frightening,orpunishingothers.
Payattentiontothefeelingsbeingexpressedaswellasthespokenwordsofothers.
Beawareof andrespectfulofdifferences.Byavoidingdisrespectfulwordsandactions,

youcanresolvetheproblemfaster.

Healthyandunhealthywaysofmanagingandresolving
conflict
Conflicttriggersstrongemotionsandcanleadtohurtfeelings,disappointment,anddiscomfort.
Whenhandledinanunhealthymanner,itcancauseirreparablerifts,resentments,andbreak
ups.Butwhenconflictisresolvedinahealthyway,itincreasesourunderstandingofone
another,buildstrust,andstrengthensourrelationshipbonds.

Unhealthyresponsestoconflictarecharacterizedby:
Aninabilitytorecognizeandrespondtomattersofgreatimportancetotheotherperson
Explosive,angry,hurtful,andresentfulreactions
Thewithdrawaloflove,resultinginrejection,isolation,shaming,andfearof
abandonment
Theexpectationofbadoutcomes
Thefearandavoidanceofconflict

Healthyresponsestoconflictarecharacterizedby:

Thecapacitytorecognizeandrespondtoimportantmatters
Areadinesstoforgiveandforget
Theabilitytoseekcompromiseandavoidpunishing
Abeliefthatresolutioncansupporttheinterestsandneedsofbothparties

Fourkeyconflictresolutionskills
Theabilitytosuccessfullymanageandresolveconflictdependsonfourkeyskills.Together,
thesefourskillsformafifthskillthatisgreaterthanthesumofitsparts:theabilitytotake
conflictinstrideandresolvedifferencesinwaysthatbuildtrustandconfidence.

Conflictresolutionskill1:Quicklyrelievestress
Thecapacitytoremain relaxedandfocusedintensesituationsisavitalaspectofconflict
resolution.Ifyoudontknowhowtostaycenteredandincontrolofyourself,youmaybecome
emotionallyoverwhelmedinchallengingsituations.Thebestwaytorapidlyandreliablyrelieve
stressisthroughthesenses:sight,sound,touch,taste,andsmell.Buteachpersonresponds
differentlytosensoryinput,soyouneedtofindthingsthataresoothingtoyou.

Conflictresolutionskill2:Recognizeandmanageyouremotions.
Emotional awarenessisthekeytounderstandingyourselfandothers.Ifyoudontknowhow
youfeelorwhyyoufeelthatway,youwontbeabletocommunicateeffectivelyorsmoothover
disagreements.Althoughknowingyourownfeelingsmayseemsimple,manypeopleignoreor
trytosedatestrongemotionslikeanger,sadness,andfear.Butyourabilitytohandleconflict
dependsonbeingconnectedtothesefeelings.Ifyoureafraidofstrongemotionsorifyouinsist
onfindingsolutionsthatarestrictlyrational,yourabilitytofaceandresolvedifferenceswillbe

impaired.

Conflictresolutionskill3:Improveyournonverbalcommunicationskills
Themostimportantinformationexchangedduringconflictsandargumentsisoften
communicatednonverbally.Nonverbalcommunicationincludeseyecontact,facialexpression,
toneofvoice,posture,touch,andgestures.Whenyoureinthemiddleofaconflict,paying
closeattentiontotheotherpersonsnonverbalsignalsmayhelpyoufigureoutwhattheother
personisreally saying,respondinawaythatbuildstrust,andgettotherootoftheproblem.
Simplynonverbalsignalssuchasacalmtoneofvoice,areassuringtouch,oraconcernedfacial
expressioncangoalongwaytowarddefusingaheatedexchange.

Conflictresolutionskill4:Usehumorandplaytodealwithchallenges
Youcanavoidmanyconfrontationsandresolveargumentsanddisagreementsby
communicatinginaplayfulorhumorousway.Humorcanhelpyousaythingsthatmight
otherwisebedifficulttoexpresswithoutcreatingaflap.However,itsimportantthatyoulaugh
withtheotherperson,notat them.Whenhumorandplayareusedtoreducetensionandanger,
reframeproblems,andputthesituationintoperspective,theconflictcanactuallybecomean
opportunityforgreaterconnectionandintimacy.

Tipsformanagingandresolvingconflict
Managingandresolvingconflictrequiresemotionalmaturity,selfcontrol,andempathy.Itcan
betricky,frustrating,andevenfrightening.Youcanensurethattheprocessisaspositiveas
possiblebystickingtothefollowingconflictresolutionguidelines:

Maketherelationshipyourpriority.Maintainingandstrengtheningtherelationship,
ratherthanwinningtheargument,shouldalwaysbeyourfirstpriority.Berespectfulofthe
otherpersonandhisorherviewpoint.
Focusonthepresent.Ifyoureholdingontooldhurtsandresentments,yourabilitytosee
therealityofthecurrentsituationwillbeimpaired.Ratherthanlookingtothepastand
assigningblame,focusonwhatyoucandointhehereandnowtosolvetheproblem.
Pickyourbattles.Conflictscanbedraining,soitsimportanttoconsiderwhethertheissue
isreallyworthyofyourtimeandenergy.Maybeyoudon'twanttosurrenderaparkingspace
ifyouvebeencirclingfor15minutes.Butiftherearedozensofspots,arguingoverasingle
spaceisntworthit.
Bewillingtoforgive.Resolvingconflictisimpossibleifyoureunwillingorunableto
forgive.Resolutionliesinreleasingtheurgetopunish,whichcannevercompensateforour
lossesandonlyaddstoourinjurybyfurtherdepletinganddrainingourlives.
Knowwhentoletsomethinggo.Ifyoucantcometoanagreement,agreetodisagree.It
takestwopeopletokeepanargumentgoing.Ifaconflictisgoingnowhere,youcanchoose
todisengageandmoveon.

Fairfighting:Groundrules
Remaincalm.Trynottooverreacttodifficultsituations.Byremainingcalmitwillbemore
likelythatotherswillconsideryourviewpoint.
Expressfeelingsinwords,notactions. Tellingsomeonedirectlyandhonestlyhowyoufeel

canbeaverypowerfulformofcommunication.Ifyoustarttofeelsoangryorupsetthatyou
feelyoumaylosecontrol,takea"timeout"anddosomethingtohelpyourselffeelsteadier.
Bespecificaboutwhatisbotheringyou. Vaguecomplaintsarehardtoworkon.
Dealwithonlyoneissueatatime.Don'tintroduceothertopicsuntileachisfullydiscussed.
Thisavoidsthe"kitchensink"effectwherepeoplethrowinalltheircomplaintswhilenot
allowinganythingtoberesolved.
No"hittingbelowthebelt." Attackingareasofpersonalsensitivitycreatesanatmosphereof
distrust,anger,andvulnerability.
Avoidaccusations.Accusationswillcauseotherstodefendthemselves.Instead,talkabouthow
someone'sactionsmadeyoufeel
Don'tgeneralize.Avoidwordslike"never"or"always."Suchgeneralizationsareusually
inaccurateandwillheightentensions.
Avoid"makebelieve."Exaggeratingorinventingacomplaintoryourfeelingsaboutitwill
preventtherealissuesfromsurfacing.Stickwiththefactsandyourhonestfeelings.
Don'tstockpile.Storinguplotsofgrievancesandhurtfeelingsovertimeiscounterproductive.
It'salmostimpossibletodealwithnumerousoldproblemsforwhichinterpretationsmaydiffer.
Trytodealwithproblemsastheyarise.
Avoidclammingup. Whenonepersonbecomessilentandstopsrespondingtotheother,
frustrationandangercanresult.Positiveresultscanonlybeattainedwithtwoway
communication.
Source:TheCounseling&MentalHealthCenteratTheUniversityofTexasatAustin

Managingandresolvingconflictbylearninghowtolisten
Whenpeopleareupset,thewordstheyuserarelyconveytheissuesandneedsattheheartofthe
problem.Whenwelistenforwhatisfeltaswellassaid,weconnectmoredeeplytoourown
needsandemotions,andtothoseofotherpeople.Listeninginthiswayalsostrengthensus,
informsus,andmakesiteasierforotherstohearus.

Tipsforbeingabetterlistener:
Listentothereasonstheotherpersongivesforbeingupset.
Makesureyouunderstandwhattheotherpersonistellingyoufromhisorherpointof
view.
Repeattheotherpersonswords,andaskifyouhaveunderstoodcorrectly.
Askifanythingremainsunspoken,givingthepersontimetothinkbeforeanswering.
Resistthetemptationtointerjectyourownpointofviewuntiltheotherperson hassaid
everythingheorshewantstosayandfeelsthatyouhavelistenedtoandunderstoodhisor
hermessage.

Whenlisteningtotheotherperson'spointofview,thefollowingresponsesare
oftenhelpful:
Encouragetheotherpersontosharehisorherissuesasfullyaspossible.

"Iwanttounderstandwhathasupsetyou."
"Iwanttoknowwhatyouarereallyhopingfor."

Clarifytherealissues,ratherthanmakingassumptions.Askquestionsthatallowyoutogain
thisinformation,andwhichlettheotherpersonknowyouaretryingtounderstand.

"Canyousaymoreaboutthat?"
"Isthatthewayitusuallyhappens?"

Restatewhatyouhaveheard,soyouarebothabletoseewhathasbeenunderstoodsofarit
maybethattheotherpersonwillthenrealizethatadditionalinformationisneeded.

"Itsoundslikeyouweren'texpectingthattohappen."

Reflectfeelingsbeasclearaspossible.

"Icanimaginehowupsettingthatmusthavebeen."

Validatetheconcernsoftheotherperson,evenifasolutioniselusiveatthistime.Expressing
appreciationcanbeaverypowerfulmessageifitisconveyedwithintegrityandrespect.

"Ireallyappreciatethatwearetalkingaboutthisissue."
"Iamgladwearetryingtofigurethisout."

Source:UniversityofWisconsin,Madison

Conflictresolutionisoneofthefivekeyskillsofemotional
intelligence
TheFiveSkillsofEmotionalIntelligence
Skill1:QuickStressRelief
Skill2:EmotionalAwareness
Skill3:NonverbalCommunication
Skill4:PlayfulCommunication
Skill5:ConflictResolution
Theabilitytoresolveconflictspositivelyandwithconfidenceisthefifthoffiveessential
emotionalintelligenceskills.Together,thefiveskillsofemotionalintelligencehelpyoubuild
strongrelationships,overcomechallenges,andsucceedatworkandinlife.

Raisingemotionalintelligence:Afree,onlinetrainingcourse
Tostartpracticingthefiveskillsofemotionalintelligence,visitEQCentral,awebsitefromthe
creatorsofHelpguide. EQCentraloffersastepbystep,selfpacedemotionalintelligence
trainingcoursefilledwithrealworldexamplesandhandsonexercises.

Relatedlinksforconflictresolution skills
Generalinformationaboutconflictresolution
FightingFairToResolveConflictCoversthecausesofconflict,differentconflictstyles,and
fairfightingguidelinestohelpyoupositivelyresolvedisagreements.(UniversityofTexasat
Austin)
ConflictResolution Comprehensiveresourceonhowtomanageandresolveconflict.Includes
AboutConflictand8StepsforConflictResolution.(UniversityofWisconsin,Madison)
CRKit12stepconflictresolutiontrainingkit.Learnhowtopursueawinwinapproach,
manageemotions,beappropriatelyassertive,maptheconflict,anddevelopoptions. (The
ConflictResolutionNetwork)
ConflictResolution:ResolvingConflictRationallyandEffectively Guidetoconflictinthe
workplaceanddifferentconflictstyles.Includesa5stepprocessforsuccessfulconflict
resolution.(MindTools)

Tipsformanagingandresolvingconflict
ResolvingConflictConstructivelyandRespectfully Tipsonhowtomanageandresolve
conflictinapositive,respectful,andmutuallybeneficialway.(OhioStateUniversity
Extension)
HowtoResolveConflictAdviceonresolvingdifferencesandmanagingconflictbetween
individuals,smallgroups,andorganizations.(RogerDarlington)
EffectiveCommunication Articleontheartoflisteninginconflictresolution.Includestipson
howtomakeyourpointeffectivelyandnegotiateconflictinprincipled,positiveway.
(UniversityofMaryland)
JeanneSegal,Ph.D.,MelindaSmith,M.A.,andJaellineJaffe,Ph.D.,contributedtothis
article.Lastmodified:September2009.

Reprintedwithpermissionforpersonalornonprofituse.Visitwww.helpguide.org toseethearticle
withlinkstorelatedarticles. Helpguide.org.Allrightsreserved.
Thismaterialisforinformationandsupportnotasubstituteforprofessionaladvice.