Professional Documents
Culture Documents
byJaredMichaelChoate
jmchoate@gmail.com
1621SonomaAvenue
Berkeley,CA94707
(530)6017696
INT.KKKBOARDROOMDAY
KLANSMENsitaroundaboardroomtableadornedwithNAZIPROPAGANDAandcopiesof
periodicalslikeBIGOTMONTHLYandCOSMOFORKLANSMEN.
TheGRANDWIZARDenters.AllstandandofferaNAZISALUTE.
GRANDWIZARD
YouallknowwhyIbroughtyouheretoday.
(beat)
TheKlanhasgottenoutoftouch.
TheKlansmennod.
GRANDWIZARD
Werelosingmembershipleftandright.Topeopletalkinboutdi
versity
.Butwhathasdi
versity
everhadtooffer?
KLANSMEN
Nothin!/Notadamnthing!/Idontevenlovemychildren!
AKlansmenpullsoffhisHOODtoscratchhisface.CUonthehoodstag:
MADEINCHINA.
CGISIGNAGEappearsaroundallitemsintheroomthatwereproducedinothercountries.
CARPET
INDIA
.WHITEBOARD
KOREA
.
TABLE
IKEA
.
GRANDWIZARD
Thesedaysitsallaboutbranding.SoIwenttoBing.comanddidsomegoogling.Itypedin
corporatestyleguruandinvitedthefirstresultwithoutlookinganyfurther.
(beat)
SopleasegiveaspecialKuKluxKlanwelcometoMs.PriscillaThrobs!
EnterMS.PRISCILLATHROBSamantotheshockofeveryone.Indress,speechand
maneurismthereisonewordbefittinghim:
FLAMING.
PRISCILLA
Ms.Throbswasmymother.Priscilla,please.
(seescrowd)
Now
this
isaninterestingbunch!
PriscillacuriouslyexaminesthehoodononeoftheKlansmensheads.
PRISCILLA
DoyoumindifIjust?
(pluckshoodoffKlansmanshead)
ThanksHun.
KLANSMAN1
Hey!!!
PRISCILLA
(examiningthefabric)
Whatisthis?
Rayon?
(throwsinagarbagecan)
So...thehoodsaregone.
GRANDWIZARD
Thehoodswerentanagendaitem.
PriscillapullsoutaSEWINGMACHINEandFABRICandbeginssewing.
PRISCILLA
(snappingfingers)
Letsmoveforward,notbackward,Sweetheart!
GRANDWIZARD
Sweetheart?Nowlistenhere.Youhavetoleave
RIGHTNOW!
Theresbeenaterriblemistake.
Beforehecancontinue,PriscillarevealsaCANARYYELLOWKLANHOOD.Subtlebut
distinguished,itdrawsoohsfromthecrowd.
PRISCILLA
(putsonKlansman1shead)
Consideryoself...
fancified!
KLANSMAN1
Hey!
Thisbreathes!
PRISCILLA
Thatsabamboohempblend.Verybreathable.And
very
sustainable.
TheKlansmengatherround,admiringthefabricandcolor.Theyredefinitelytastingthe
rainbow.
KLANSMAN2
TobehonestIwasntreallytiedtothewhite.
KLANSMAN3
Stainseasy.
GRANDWIZARD
Listenup!Werenothereto(fingerquotes)fancifyourhoods.
AdissentingclatterrisesamongtheKlansmen.ButbeforetheGrandWizardcanobjectfurther
PriscillarevealsaTASTEFULLYMACRAMDREDHOODandputsitontheGrand
Wizard.
PRISCILLA
Stillsosure?
TheGrandWizardexaminesit,admiringthecontours,thesewmanship.Thenhecatches
himself.
GRANDWIZARD
Yes!Nowpleaseleave!!
PriscillaexaminesaSWASTIKAPOSTERonthewall.
PRISCILLA
(toKlansman3)
YouguysHindus,orBuddhists,orsomething?
KLANSMAN3
Werenotallowedtolikethem.ButIvemetafew.
(beat)
Theyregoodpeople!
GRANDWIZARD
No!Theymostcertainlyarenot!
PRISCILLA
ThenwhydoyouhaveaBuddhistsymbolhanginginhere?
GRANDWIZARD
BecausewereKlansmen!!Thatsasymbolofourbrotherhood!
PRISCILLA
Soundshot.
(then)
Wellitneedsanupgrade,Hedwig.Illthrowsomethingtogetherforyou.
PriscillapullsoutaMACBOOKwithRAINBOWSTICKERSonit.
GRANDWIZARD
Thathasbeenasymbolofthisorganizationforalmost100years!
PRISCILLA
Anditsbeenaroundforover5000.HeardofSanskrit?ItscalledHistoryclass,queenie...
(beat)
Skiplessofit.
PriscillapullsoutagiantMCADPRINTERandlaborsitontotheboardroomtable.
GRANDWIZARD
Ihave
HAD
itwithyourinsubordination!Youneedtogetoutright...
PriscillaprintsoutSWASTIKA2.0.Fullcolor.Rainbowbackground.Newroundededges.It
couldbethelogoofaSiliconValleystartup.Verysleek.Butalso
very
gay.
PRISCILLA
Ithinkthisisreallygonnaopenthefloodgates.Kindamakesmewanttoopenafloodgateortwo
rightnow.
(pointsatKlansman2)
ThisgayknowswhatImtalkinabout.
Klansman2looksstartled.And
highlyc
loseted.Afraidhesbeenoutedhetoughenshis
posture.
KLANSMAN4
IdontwanttospeakforeveryoneMs.Priscilla.
(beat)
ButI
really
lovewhatyouvedonewithit.
PRISCILLA
Iknow.
(beat)
Yougaysgotawebsite?
Klansman3gesturestothecomputer.PriscillanudgesittohimandhetypesintheURLbefore
handingitback.Priscillareaffirmscommandandsitsintentlyatthehelm,typingfrantically.
GRANDWIZARD
Wevegottastayontrackhere!Focusontheissues!Andyou...
(motionstoPriscilla)
Youhavetogo!
PRISCILLA
YournewsitewillbeupintwoshakesofEltonJohnscokenail.
GRANDWIZARD
Wedontneedanewsite!!
Theresaknockonthedoor.
PRISCILLA
Newsuitsarehere!
Comeoninboys!
AgroupofFIERYHOMOSEXUALMENenterwithKLANOUTFITSinavarietyofbrightcolors!
PRISCILLA
IeyeballedthesizesbutIthinkwellbegood.
TheyhandthemouttotheKlansmen,whoenthusiasticallytryontheirnewmulticoloredoutfits.
KLANSMEN
Thisfitsperfect!/Greatsizing!/Thehoodreallysculptsmyjawline!
GRANDWIZARD
Rightnow!Youhavetogo...
RIGHTNOW!
TheKlansmenlookdisenchanted,objectingwiththedecision.
KLANSMAN4
Idontknowboss.Theseareprettygreat!
GRANDWIZARD
Imdone.
DONE!
Youguysdowhateveryouwant.Imoutofhere!!!
TheGrandWizardleaves.
PRISCILLA
Wellthatsashame.Becausethenewwebsitesup.
TheKlansmengatheraroundthecomputer.OoohandAaahsgiverisetoaroundofapplause!
CUofWEBSITE:fullofrainbowsandunicorns,DontStopMeNowbyQUEENplaysinthe
b.g.
PULLOUTtorevealtheKlansmeninNEWCOLOROUTFITS,twerkinwithMs.PriscillaThrobs
andhiscadreofgayboys.