First of all could you roughly outline what mental health issue you would say you have

and how it
affects you? (As much as you are comfortable with) can include day to day life.
Okay um well I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd) but it is now actually
called emotionally unstable personality disorder (eupd) but I prefer using bpd. My mood can be
really unstable and I can go from sky high to suicidal in a matter of minutes if something bad
happens. I like to explain it as having the emotional range of a child, if something bad happens it is
the worst thing in the world and if something good happens it is the best thing in the world. There is
no in between, it can affect relationships and stuff too so I have a lot of love hate relationships, I can
love someone or hate them again no in between. And I am very impulsive, like a child I just do things
to make myself feel better without thinking and then regret it after. And then when I was ill at uni I
was psychotic on top of that so I was very paranoid and thought people were planning to kill me
(mainly my flatmates) which obviously meant I locked myself in my room and stopped talking to
people.
So in short it affects me because I get distressed very easily at the smallest things and can't cope a
lot.
That was really in depth, thank you! Would you say that when you're reacting to these
situations/your mood is changing it's because the bad or good in them is magnified or intensified?
I'm looking at different ways of portraying illnesses to an audience and trying to put them in your
shoes as it were.
Yeah so when I was diagnosed when I came home from uni, my pdoc was like "imagine if you were
going to meet a friend for lunch and they cancelled, a normal person would be like oh they just got
busy or couldnt come but a person with bpd would be like omg they hate me so much what did i do
wrong I am such a horrible person etc etc" GOOD RL EG OF BPD, USE FOR SCENE
Its very confusing and it is like your own mind is against you.
Especially confusing when for example I was at uni and I could see people following me and I knew
they were trying to kill me but nobody else could see them and all everyone else saw was me at the
top of a 5 storey staircase terrified of people that weren't there. DICHOTOMY BETWEEN WHAT
THE MIND SEES AND RL, USE FOR SCENE
Ah right okay, that's good to hear a specific example as I'm trying not to make my work too
stereotyped/generalised. Do you have any other specific examples of these mood triggers? Maybe a
positive mood one for contrast?
So there's a big difference between what your own mind sees and what everyone else sees, almost
like these two different worlds?
Yeah when I was ill particularly that night I was sectioned. I was seeing these people and they were
terrifying I mean they looked terrifying but nobody else could see it and the security guard that
came to me before they called the police was like Amy the only person that is going to hurt you is
you when I told her that people were trying to hurt me.
As you can see, I left university with a bang lol
Positive moods are a lot harder for me to realise what causes them, for example my pdoc told me
just last week that I am in fact still ill because I am apparently "hypomanic" (which is a part of bipolar
disorder, which obviously I havent been diagnosed with but everyone seems to think that is where

he is going with it) and I have been on top of the world for about 7 weeks and havent slept as much
and my brain is going too fast a lot of the time but I feel super and there have been occasions where
I felt I could fly (once at uni someone stopped me from jumping off a balcony thinking I could fly)
and I feel like I am superhuman and can change the world, and there was an episode a while back
where I thought I was going to join god because my soul was transcending and I was on top of the
world and I really just ended up in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere lol so when I'm
'high' apparently it can be just as dangerous but I don't actually agree with them that I am
"hypomanic" or whatever I just feel amazing but sometimes a lil too fast but not a bad fast and
happy like everyone seems to think it is. Does that make sense?
What does it mean to be sectioned? Also is pdoc a personal doctor or have I guessed that completely
wrong? Did you think the security guard helped in terms of what she said? It would be good to show
an audience how they can help with being more understanding.
Psychiatrist pdoc
Sorry my terms for everything is lol
Being sectioned is where you are detained under the mental health act
There are different types of section, the main ones being where you are kept in hospital against your
will and treated because they do not think you are safe to be in the community. But I was under a
section 136, which is where the police have the power to detain you and take you to a place of
safety to be assessed under the mental health act to see if they section you further. So I was
restrained by several police and forced to go to hospital where I wasn't allowed to leave. But after
being assesses by 2 doctors and a social worker we agreed that I could go home to my parents who
would be with me at all times and the hospital team came to my house every day because they want
to try and keep people out of hospital as much as possible. I have the information leaflet they gave
me in the hospital somewhere hang on.
>> attachment <<
The rest of it was about my rights to complain and how to change my nearest relative.
The particular security woman I had met once before the day before and she was so lovely and
calming and was trying to tell me that I would be safe and she wouldnt let anything happen to me
and I had just agreed to come down with her when a policeman came running out the fire escape
behind me and grabbed me and dragged me into the building, so not exactly the calmest of
situations but then my life was in danger so they had to.
and the policewoman who actually sectioned me and accompanied me to the hospital was v friendly
after a while, I told her before she left that I had hated her but that now I liked her lol
That's okay sorry I'm just new to all the abbreviations and terminology! I suppose that's good you got
to get better in the comfort and familiarity of your own home.
Yeah they said that they do it as an alternative to hospital treatment, so I was offered an inpatient
admission or the home treatment crisis team they say people tend to recover best in their own
homes (and also they dont have enough beds in hospitals for everyone so they prefer it from both
angles)
Yeah I dont know how much that leaflet explains it, but it explains what a section 136 is, but its
slightly different to a traditional section where you are kept in hospital like sections 2 and 3

That makes a lot of sense. And it's good to hear that people of authority are understanding of you.
What about people on a daily basis. Eg if you felt one of your highs or lows do you find people are
usually helpful/understanding or not?
Not always, there is a massive stigma around bpd in particular that people with it are manipulative
and attention seeking because of how they react to things but me personally I hate it and I feel like I
am bothering people all the time. And especially at the minute my parents do not find my good
mood a good thing and I get so frustrated because everyone seems to think that its an 'artificial
high' and I dont agree and my parents are tired and while they are more understanding that they
used to be they still have a way to come, I think its difficult to understand it if you havent been
there or if you dont understand the whole story. Im quite a secretive person and when I was bad I
didnt tell anyone what was going on in my mind so people cant understand because Im not telling
them, but not I feel great and I just get frustrated with everyone who doesnt agree haha saying that,
people who do understand or have experience are actually pretty good. Like miller was at swchs, she
understood a lot of what I was explaining which is why I got on with her so well. I mean I still talk to
her now on email occasionally.
Also just wondering if you had any particular things that should be said or portrayed to an audience
to help them understand people such as yourself better.
I think people need to understand that if for example I was not pleasant to anyone and was snapping
at everyone all day I might still be trying my best and that mental illness is every bit as real as
physical illness, just because you cant see it doesnt mean it isnt there. Especially fighting against
the stigma of attention seeking because my illness makes me react in some of the worst possible
ways which draw attention to myself and I try to control it because I hate it and Im not doing it on
purpose you know?
And also mental illness is so much more common than you realise, since Ive been more honest
about it with people the number of people that have come to me and said "yeah I struggle too" is
unreal!
So maybe a general portrayal of how bpd is as an experience would help others to understand it?
Perhaps showing that as you say it is a genuine condition, it's not something that's 'put on' but
instead something that has a lot of force and control over the way you behave, and that people who
have bpd are doing their best to get better but there is no instant miracle cure.
Yeah it's 1/4 people a year experience mental health I think? That's what was on the mind website
when researching for my essay.
Yeah I mean it can be a lifelong condition but the general idea is that within 10 years i might not
meet the diagnostic criteria any more but I would still present some of the symptoms.
Also bpd is such a varied diagnosis, my pdoc was like you could meet 10 people with it and they be
completely different but if you met 100 people you would notice a pattern.
The terrifying statistic is that 70% of people with it attempt suicide and 10% complete it (i think its
10% anyway)
Yet mental health funding is being cut more and more.
Also a personality disorder doesnt necessarily mean that your personality is wrong or broken or that
you are a bad person (thats what i thought at first) it just means that you have developed a pattern
of behaviour and thinking about things that is unhealthy or something like that.

Ah I didn't know that, I wonder where the term personality comes from for it.
Do you mind me asking what triggered your bpd then?
I havent the slightest idea, I think theres a genetic component and then how you are brought up
and stuff so my dad shouts a lot even now so that could be where some of it came from but I would
say being bullied at school had a lot to do with it and then the stress of exams brought it all to a
head and then at uni alcohol and the stress of the course probably.
I dont know, its an old diagnosis I think.
Good ol' diathesis-stress model then.
Yeah very much so.
Have you ever seen Girl Interrupted? She had bpd.
No but I've heard of it- the one with Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder right? Do you think it's a pretty
accurate depiction of bpd or is it oversimplified/stereotyped?
I dont think its very accurate, I mean it shows the impulsive behaviour like the suicide attempt and
sleeping with a load of people but not all of it how I experience it. But then everyone is affected
differently.
So do you reckon it's too simplistic then? Or just inaccurate?
I think it is stereotyped.
I dont know I havent watched it in a while.
But films like that portray that you go into hospital and its all nice and safe and lovely but it doesnt
show how stressful it is to realise you legally have no freedom.
I mean having to pee in a bathroom without a lock and a window in the wall is not pleasant at all lol.
Not realistic enough then? Crikey that makes the film industry sound so sheltered in comparison. It's
good to hear your take on films etc as you obviously have a very good insight into what it's really like.
Only other thing I wanted to ask was timescales with regards to the highs and lows you experience.
Eg how often do you experience the swings between highs and lows?
Um I couldnt answer that because at the minute this is the first high I have had that has lasted
longer than two weeks.
Ah okay no worries! It sounds like in general the highs can last quite a while whereas the lows are
triggered more suddenly?
Over the last year though I would have a few months where things would be a lil better then months
where it would be worse again and when I was at uni it was like feeling crap all the time but with
massive highs here and there just randomly when I lost control and felt so amazing I did things I
regretted later.
And then for the last 7 weeks I have felt super duper.
Lows tend to last longer than highs but I have had moments where I have gone from a complete high
one minute to crying down the phone (to Isla in the example Im thinking of) and suicidal a minute
later.

Which is why my pdoc wants to put me on more meds because he thinks I am 'hypomanic' or
whatever and that I am going to crash and burn.
Okay so whether it's a high or a low it lasts for days/weeks rather than hours? But at the same time it
can suddenly change to the other?
All my highs before have lasted a few hours to a few days whereas the lows tend to last for months.
But with the highs I dont tend to realise fully until after. However if what I am experiencing right
now is a high then it has been about 7 weeks but Im not sure I just feel amazing but then people
keep remind me that at the time I dont normally recognise it if that makes sense.
Right, yeah that makes sense but I see what you mean now with the 7 week high as it seems like a bit
of an anomaly compared to your previous experiences.
Is it always a sudden change between highs and lows and is it always triggered by something rather
than just happening?
Yeah which is why they are concerned I think because this supposed high was/is unexpected.
I never seem to know when it is going to change it just happens so quickly but sometimes after i can
pin it on a specific trigger but other times i have no clue.
Several people have speculated recently that they think Im going to end up with a bipolar diagnosis
but I am ignoring that because my pdoc hasnt said anything and he is the professional.
And also I dont think I am high or whatever I just feel great I dont see the problem with that haha.
Usually theres a mental fight between listening to everyone and admitting there may be a problem
and listening to my brain that tells me everything is fine.
Yeah it sounds like your pdoc knows you best as well.
Yeah he is pretty cool and doesnt take any shit and gave me 3 options at my last appointment which
I didnt like but he is alright really I just struggle with taking my meds so I havent taken them for the
last week I think and I was on strict instructions not to stop them. But I will get there haha.
Steady progress.
Well thank you for answering all my questions, sorry it took a bit longer than expected but bpd is
entirely new to me, thank you for being so patient and helpful.
Its all cool, hope I was actually helpful haha if you need anything else I can try help you.