EXT.

EVENING,
WILPEPPERSHIRE.

BRIDGE

OVERLOOKING

THE

DESTROYED

CITY

OF

A peculiar two-headed pigeon wearing sunglasses, named PIGEUO, is

talking to an irradiated, deformed teenager called BRYAN WESSON.
They are sat on the bridge and are watching the city burn. They
laugh, before we hear the first legible section of conversation. A
small polaroid type camera is next to Bryan.
PIGEUO:
(Cool and calm, he is relaxed and nonchalant as he finishes his
story)
And that, Bryan, is why I dont cross the road. Im a pigeon. Not a
chicken. A pigeon.
BRYAN:
(Confused and not believing his friend)
Right. So what happens when you want to cross a road?
PIGEUO:
(Indignant but put out)
WellI fly. I have wings, I am a
BRYAN:
(Slightly sarcastic, but not malicious)
Pigeon. I know. Technically
PIGEUO:
(Hastily changing the topic, looking around)
TECHNICALLY, my mum was roadkill even though you call it a road
traffic collision.
BRYAN:
(A bit tired of the arguing, ready to move on)
I GET it, already.
(SILENCE FOR A BRIEF MOMENT)
Hey, Pigeuo, dyou ever think about when we killed that thing?
PIGEUO
(Whimsically, and ironically with a posh British accent)
Aah. The dawn of the Bromance. The beginning of a new age. Yes, my
dear friendI recall it like it were just yesterday
FADE OUT AS PIGEUO ENDS SPEECH.
INT. AFTERNOON, A DILAPIDATED OFFICE BUILDING.

The boy who we know to be Bryan is strewn on the floor by a desk. He

is unconscious and has horrible disfigurements. He begins to come
to, rubbing his eyes and beginning to assess his situation. In the
background, Its The End of the World as We Know It (And I feel
fine) is playing.
BRYAN:
(Drowsy and groggy-he is not entirely with it. Mumbles and groans)
PIGEUO:
(Overly happy, somewhat creepily)
Hello, Bryan. Ive been waiting for you.
BRYAN:
(Terrified, he screams. Speaks in a very high pitched voice)
STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU
PIGEUO:
(Feigning seriousness, slightly patronising, he cuts straight into
Bryans speech)
Devilishly good-looking pigeon?
BRYAN:
(Calm and acknowledging)
Wellfor a pigeon, I mean, yeah not ba
(Gradually raising voice, freaking out)
what? YYoure a freak!
PIGEUO:
(Pretending to be hurt, sarcastically)
Bryan! You wound me!
(Acting as though he does not care)
And besides. Im not a monster, its hereditary.
BRYAN:
(Confused, taken aback)
What? What does thathow does that work?
PIGEUO:
(Sighs, acting like the answer is obvious)
It means, Bryan, that the ugly genes are from my father. Unlike the
jeans youre wearing.
BRYAN:

(Hurriedly cutting Pigeuo off, still defensive)

WHO are you?
PIGEUO:
(Sighs, a twinge of sadness to his voice)
Bryan, has anyone told you that you ask too many questions? DONT
answer that. My NAME is...
(Takes a deep breath)
Pigeuo.
BRYAN:
(Sniggers, whilst groping for a weapon)
PIGEUO AND BRYAN:
(Speaking simultaneously and in utter surprise as Bryan finds a
pistol)
Huh. That was convenient.
BRYAN:
(Appears angry, but trying not to seem put out)
Now tell me who you are!
PIGEUO:
(Takes a deep breath, again)
That was more of a command so
BRYAN:
(Fed up, tired of Pigeuo)
I dont believe this!
PIGEUO:
(Amazed by Bryans response)
Ha! I am but a simple bird trying to aid you on your perilous
journey.
The vocals fade out, a ticking noise comes in. This, coupled with
the overlaying images presented on screen give the illusion of time
passing. The two characters appear to be arguing. A loud bang
interrupts them.
BRYAN:
(Whispering and alarmed)
What was that?
PIGEUO:

(Mimicking Bryans fear)

Huuh! I dont know! MaybeMaybe its a zombieor
BRYAN:
(Deadly serious)
Or, Wanna check it out?
PIGEUO:
(Smiling, indicating he and Bryan are now friends)
Hell yeah.
A brief pause as Bryan walks towards the door.
BRYAN:
(Eager and slightly impatient)
Pigeuo? You coming?
PIGEUO:
(Impressed and surprised at Bryans transformation)
I sure am! Heh. Go Bryan. Im liking this enthusiasm.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON, FRONT OF OFFICE BUILDING. THE SPACE RESEMBLES A
DILAPIDATED SHOP.
There is silence
stillness.

before

an

impossibly

loud

roar

permeates

the

PIGEUO:
(Stunned and horrified)
Thats a big mutant.
BRYAN:
(Cocky and somewhat arrogant)
Its not big, youre short.
PIGEUO:
(Insistent)
NoIts big. And has four arms.
BRYAN:
(Cool and calm, not fazed in the slightest)
I got this.
There is a bang as Bryan fires the gun. The Super-Mutant roars in
fury as the bullet does nothing.

PIGEUO AND BRYAN:

(Scream)
SUPER-MUTANT:
(Cries in agony and recoils)
BRYAN:
(Smug, breathing heavily and showing signs of relief)
I TOLD you I had it.
SUPER-MUTANTS:
(Groans, before roaring and resuming its previous rampage)
PIGEUO:
(Terrified but also smug)
I was right.
BRYAN:
(Absolutely terrified)
NOW ISNT THE TIME!
PIGEUO:
(Confident and slightly cocky)
But I was right.
(Boldly, and with no sign of fear)
And

have a plan which will save youagain.

BRYAN:

(Can barely get his words out for fear)

Again?
PIGEUO:
(Slightly irritated but overwhelmingly pumped)
Again, with the questions. Follow my lead
As the Super-Mutant approaches, Pigeuo begins to sing Whats Up? by
4 Non Blondes. After a few seconds, Bryan joins in. The creature
lets out a final agonised moan before melting into a pool of gunk.
BRYAN:
(Breathless but proud)
Well, that was easy.
The pair walk into the distance.

FADE OUT.
EXT. MID-EVENING, BRIDGE FROM THE START OF THE PIECE.
The two are still sat on the bridge, but Pigeuo is not moving; we
see him as his taxidermied self. We are looking from a distance,
meaning that the pair are silhouetted.
BRYAN:
(Laughing)
Yeah. Good one, Pigeuo. Oh. Oh, heres one.
What do you call a bird that runs into a lawnmower?
A brief period of silence.
BRYAN:
(Slightly put out, he is confused and sombre)
No. Other than dead.
Silence.
BRYAN:
(Stifling laughter)
You ready? Shredded tweet! Get it? Tweet, as in
The song Crawl Out Through
gradually getting louder.

the

Fallout

begins

to

play

softly,

BRYAN:
(Bursting into full blown laughter)
FADE OUT
Just after this fade, the camera will focus in on a pile of images
next to Bryans camera. The screen will be filled with large-scale
versions of these photographs. Eventually, this slide show
arrangement ends, leaving just the base of the bridge.
FADE OUT