Text from my initial WP

submission:
(a phrase, sentence, paragraph, idea,
move, punctuation, piece of evidence,
etc.)
1. Through analysis of the rhetorical
features audience, purpose, context,
style, and tone in posts made by
Kim Kardashian, Novak Djokovic,
and Michelle Obama, it is evident that
these three celebrities apply most
these conventions, but differ within.

An observation or question
I received from De Piero or
a classmate:

The change(s) I made to what

I initially wrote:
(ie, the change[s] I made to
column 1)

How this change impacts my

paper:

Ah ha, it sounds like this is

your thesis. In that case, I
think you might want to rework the Intro and get right
to it quicker. Cut the fluff.
Fluff isn't our friend.

This paper will analyze the

celebrities similarly shared
conventions in their Instagram
captions, as well as how they
individually promote their
product through specific
rhetorical features exigence,
constraints, and audience
which aims to teach you to
interpret and compose your
writing based on certain context
to effectively persuade your
targeted audience.
I want to thank everyone who
joined me to maintain that
clean, high quality balanced diet
I founded #Djokolife. I hope
you all will join me on this
quest to discover the right
lifestyles. #Djokolife
#Healthydiet #Glutenfree.

This change in my thesis gives

me a focus and sense of
direction throughout my
analysis.
It also gives my reader my
specific argument, and the points
Im making.

Now here, I dig it, but I'd like

you to tell me more about
how/why they differ. As I
read, what differences should
I be on the lookout for?
2. I want to thank everyone who
joined me in Milan today for the
launch of #Djokolife. As you all know
I take my health very seriously. And
as I travel the world I have to find a
way to meet the dietary demands of an
ever-shifting environment. So in
looking to maintain that clean, high
quality balanced diet I founded
#Djokolife. I hope you all will join me
on this quest to discover the right
lifestyles. #Djokolife #Healthydiet
#Glutenfree.

This is a pretty big quote to

use, so my first q is: is this all
necessary? If you think it is -which I don't, but that's OK
b/c this is your paper and not
mine (!) -- you need to use a
block quote. What's that all
about, and how do you do
that? Check out the APA and
MLA resources I put on
GSpace or just Google it. :)

I researched sources to look for

ways to shorten it, but make it as
effective as possible. I initially
thought all this information was
necessary to analyze, however
the readers can get a basic sense
of what Djokovic is revealing.
Shortening this example text
gives me a more detailed focus
to examine, and it also doesnt
bore my readers as long
examples can disconnect
interest.

3. Michelle Obama effectively

persuades her audience by her
innovative character

Persuades her audience to do

what?
And what do you mean by
"innovative" character?
What's she innovating?

4. Organization of Paper
-Source #1 (Kardashian)
-Source #2 (Djokovic)
-Source #3 (Obama)

Yamada, Im wondering if
your paper would benefit
from re-structuring the
organization. Instead of
-Source #1 (Kim K)
-Source #2 (Novak)
-Source #3 (Michelle O)
Could your paper/argument
unfold a more
integrated/interwoven way if
you did something like:
-Idea #1 (and then
incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #2 (and then
incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then
incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)?

Obama effectively persuades

her 4.2 followers (generally
middle to old-aged women) with
use of pathos an appeal to
emotion that can be
manipulative or overly
sentimental (Carroll. 45) to
draw sympathetic emotion to
gain support for her created
organization of allowing all girls
to have education.
Paragraphs based on Ideas.
-Conventions
-Exigence
-Audience
-Constraints

I was too general in my initial

paper, however Zack made me
realize the needs of specificity in
my analysis. This helpfully
guides the reader to understand
the authors purpose and how
they can persuade their targeted
audience

Definitely applied Zacks advice

and changed my papers
paragraph organization from
source to ideas.
Along with my change of thesis,
this gave my paper direction and
something to properly analyze.
This also shows the comparison
between the three celebrities,
and how they differently utilize
features and conventions based
on their targeted audience, and
their expectations from the
celebrities.

5. Supported by Laura Bolin Carroll,

understanding the asked rhetoric, its
persuasion, and its context is vital for
everybody

This sentence took me a few

read-throughs to get. Put
yourself in a reader's shoes
and ask yourself if it sounds
super-clear/smooth.

Supported by Laura Bolin

Carroll, it is important what a
piece of rhetoric (message) is
asking of you, how it tries to
persuade you and whether that
persuasion fits within the
context you encounter it in
(Carroll)

My initial statement was very

much rather confusing; therefore
I decided to directly cite Laura
Carrolls text. I thought it would
be more convincing if I stated
her exact words in my
introduction paragraph to
enhance credibility towards my
readers.

6. In todays world, there are more

variations of textual genres than ever
before

Yawwwwwwwwn. Get me
hooked, Yamada! (PS: you
don't have to have a superepic "in today's world" or
"since the dawn of man"
opening -- feel free to get
right to it.)

BUSTED. Kim Kardashian,

Novak Djokovic, and Michelle
Obama caught using Instagram
captions as a promotional
approach.

I recognized my opening
sentence was majorly boring and
lame, and could deter my readers
to actually read my paper. I
modified it to a short and sharp
word to capture and interest my
reader to continue reading.

7. Kim Kardashian, (the worldfamous American model and actress)

It looks to me like you want

to set "the world-famous
American model and actress"
apart from "Kim Kardashian"
and "is admired

Kim Kardashian (the worldfamous American model)

Knowing the correct

punctuations and their right use
has effectively made my paper
easily readable. I have finally
understood the functioning of
punctuation, which has allowed
my sentences to flow. This
allows for no confusion from my
readers.

Chose commas or
parentheses. Not both.
Remember: you're using
punctuation to signal to
readers how you want them
to read.

8. In additional analysis, it is evident

that her consistent use of hash-tags,
beauty-related material, and emojis,
used throughout most her other posts
categorizes her to fit within the young
generation, which increases their
admiration towards Kim.

9. These past years, the concerns of

health have become increasingly
aware

10. Novaks tone in all his Instagram

posts

OK, so one question I have:

you told me a lot of
interesting information, but
how/why is it useful?
How/why does it contribute
to your overall argument?
I'm not saying that what you
wrote is irrelevant; I'm saying
that I'd like you to connect all
of this back to your main
argument/point/position more
directly.
What do you mean here? In
2015, people started caring
about health more? Or Novak
did?
Either way you sure? If so,
based on what?
1, What is it? 2, Evidence
for this?

Her consistent use of hash-tags,

beauty-related material, and
emojis, used throughout most
her posts increases adoration
from her followers, as these
conventions fit her within the
young generation

I incorporated this statement in

the paragraph about how rhetoric
messages are written
accordingly to the writers
targeted audience. In this case,
this information contributes to
my argument that understanding
the rhetoric feature of audience
in a message can enhance the
readers understanding of the
context.

Deleted.

I had put estimated information

in my analysis, which resulted to
be completely unnecessary. If I
were to put this statement in, I
would need to state what it is
based on and the source it came
from.

His aimed result is supported by

use of appreciative tone in, I
want to thank everyone, in his
posts, which respectfully
represents himself and
successfully appeals to his
followers

To make this statement more

analytical, I incorporated an
example of his appreciative tone
to support my argument of how
authors create their writing to
appeal and persuade their
targeted audience.