How Early Life Attachment Affects Adult

Intimacy and Relationships

by Richard Boyd, Body Mind Psychotherapist,
Energetics Institute, Perth, West Australia
Copyright 2011

At the dawn of the 21st century there exists an increasing isolation and separateness in men and women
like never before. This resulting dissatisfaction has its roots based in the misplaced expectations that
society now places on external objects, other people, and our relationship to both of these, as the basis
for creating happiness in our lives. The idea that happiness is out there or an inherent characteristic in
some external object or person dogs western consciousness.
There exists also the unrealistic expectation that one can validly expect and demand that ones own
emotional and other needs can be met and fulfilled through objects, and relationships with others. This
object attachment underpins much of western thought, beliefs, and social norms. The notion of getting
ones own needs met through romantic relationship is a recurring theme in the distorted notions that
underlie the Western romantic stereotypes of love and relationship.
The projection of ones needs outside oneself has also led to rampant consumerism, and escalating rates
of divorce, depression, addictions and suicide. In some cases there is equally an aversion to intimacy and
the engagement that comes from adult relationships. Many shades of both exist.
The way society expresses these distorted beliefs through marketing, selling, in books and films, is
merely an unconscious acting out of what are really unmet universal needs that were blocked, frustrated
or denied during the formative years of childhood. The infancy/oral and oedipal stages of childhood
development form the basis of the way in the later adult will approach and attempt adult relationships. The
unmet needs from these childhood stages will be patterned in the adult psyche, awaiting a chance to be
expressed through the inner child of the adult, via projection and demand onto the partner.
This connection drive or impulse forms much of the basis of the misunderstood word eros, whose
current societal association has been debased to a sexual/pornographic context, rather than
understanding its true basis as that for a heart/soul connection between two people. Because we are
embodied, and have evolved from an animal instinctual basis, these base drives and instincts will also
unconsciously motivate us on occasion to seek heart/soul connection at the bodily level via sex or the
intimacy of sharing ideas, sensations, feelings and experiences.
This article concerns itself with the key role that the infant bonding with its mother will go on to
significantly shape the now adult persons ability to approach, enter, maintain and be healthy within adult
intimate relationships. This early life developmental phase is one that each one of us had to go through,
and which is not widely discussed in the debate concerning intimacy, adult relationships and romantic

love. In my companion articles I will look at the other later childhood developmental stages of the key
oedipal/narcissistic stages of childhood development that also shape the childs ability to relate later on
in adult life.
Taken together one will start to appreciate the key role we have as parents in nurturing our infants and
children in preparing them for later adult life where their ability to form attachment bonds of an adult
nature will be revealed. These articles will help to explain some of the key reasons why so many adults
fail to be able to enter and sustain adult intimate relationships over a long period of time without issues
and patterns of a negative nature surfacing and causing problems or the end of a relationship.
All human beings require an effective social engagement system in order to build attachment and
affiliative relationships (Porges:2004). This social engagement system develops and is influenced by early
attachment experiences that the infant has with its caregivers, and will shape how it deals with and
regulates internal and external forms of stimulation(Siegel:1999).
We as human beings are only born with limited capacities for self-regulation. We learn and are dependent
on those attachment relationships with our care givers to give us our context by which we as adults will
then have lifelong tendencies for regulating arousal of stimulus and reactions that we will engage with as
a result(Ogden:2006).
Early life disruptions to our process of attachment with parents will have major consequences for how we
as adults will then deal with attachment as adults. This may show up as diminished capacity to modulate
arousal of stimulus from internal or external sources, impairment in developing healthy relationships, and
the ability to cope with stress(Siegel:1999).
Babies only have certain cues to use in its social engagement system with its parents. The baby will
vocalise with sounds, cries, and also use facial grimaces to signal distress. The baby will smile, gaze, or
use cooing sounds to signal love and safety with its care givers. The baby will also gaze at the parent and
use neural or brain recognition of the parents eyes and facial muscles to ascertain the stance being taken
toward itself(.Porges:2004). It is believed that we all inherit inbuilt templates of basic facial patterns so we
can start to make sense of our environment as defenceless infants.
These behaviours and recognitions serve to increase proximity between the parent and the
baby(Ogden:2006), and repeated experiences of attuned interaction form a bonding and understanding
that allows the baby to become increasingly effective at signalling, engaging, and responding to the
parent(Siegel:1999). The experiences shape and enhance the social engagement system of the child.
The baby is totally dependent on the mother for all its resources, nourishment, needs and safety at this
stage in its life, and relies on this social engagement system to communicate its needs.
The child learns via this system to experience safety and to maintain or return arousal to a window of
tolerance by dampening their Autonomic Nervous System(ANS) and Dorsal Vagal parts of the brain and
nervous system(Ogden:2006). A well formed and stable social engagement system that effectively
regulates the childs brain and nervous system in this way will over time allow the baby to become a child
with a wider window of tolerance of experience and stimulus that does not compromise its safety. This
then becomes the basis for the later adult to have the capacity to tolerate, process, and even transform
difficult experiences into opportunities for growth(Ogden:2006).

This social engagement system is built partly on face to face engagement, bodily contact between the
parents and child, attunement and sympathetic interaction by the parent towards the child with bodily
postures, facial muscles, word and sound tones, and touch and sensitivity. This interactive dynamic
between parent and baby is believed by neuroscientists such as Merencich (Doidge:2007) to facilitate the
development of the key emotional and arousal processing centre of the brain, known as the Orbital
Prefrontal Cortex.
Neuroscience and trauma researchers have found that the capacity to self-regulate is the key foundation
upon which a functional sense of self develops(Ogden:2006). This sense of self is first and foremost a
bodily sense of self, experienced not through language but through sensations and movements of the
body(Damasio:1994 and Ogden:2006). This is why body centric psychotherapy achieves such enhanced
effects when working with people who lack a solid sense of self, or when doing adult repair to early life
wounds such as attachment trauma.
The baby relies primarily on tactile and body centric interactions and communications when first born, and
then over time is able to interact with auditory, verbal, and visual stimulus and communication becoming
available and integrated into consciousness and experience. The baby develops their own sense of self
through the careful and gentle attention and stimulation from the mother or parent in each of these areas
from repeated and stable experience that allow the baby to sense and understand the contact and its
meaning(Siegel:1999).
When this occurs, social engagement, secure attachment, and regulatory abilities in the child are
established and adaptively supported(Ogden:2006). If however the child experiences some form of oneoff trauma, or abandonment, repeated failure or neglect or abuse at this early stage, the interpersonal
trauma is not only a threat to physical and psychological integrity and formation in the child, but also a
failure of the social engagement system(Ogden:2006). This may not have been intentional but will create
shock and trauma to the child nevertheless(Siegel:1999).
If there are problems, neglect or ignorance on the part of the parent in understanding their role in
supporting their child at this critical age, this failure of the attachment relationship will undermine the
childs ability to recover and reorganise, to feel soothed or even feel safe again with the parent or other
persons(Ogden:2006). The babys opportunity to effectively utilise social engagement for care, survival
and protection will have been overridden, and the baby will experience overwhelming arousal without the
availability of attachment-mediated comfort or repair. This is the basis for trauma.
According to Steven Biddulph (2007), studies have shown that society is now creating this outcome by
parents placing babies prematurely into Day Care Centres. According to infant studies done in the
European Economic Community(EEC), children placed into day care before the age of 3 years showed
symptoms of trauma from the loss of parental contact, and the over arousal of their social engagement
systems in strange environments. These children then showed a heightened presence of Cortisol in their
blood streams which is a marker in the blood for a person living in fight or flight.
Cortisol is a key neurotransmitter that indicates the presence of trauma when sustained and heightened
levels are found in the blood(Biddulph:2007). EEC child care policies are now such that children are not
recommended to be placed into day care before the age of 3 years.

Other studies have shown that the practice of allowing babies to cry without the parent attending to the
child(Controlled Crying) also create the same form of trauma(Biddulph:2007). The aim of having the baby
fall asleep after such crying is the desired outcome by the parent. The only problem is that this is
achieved via a primitive Dorsal Vagal system intervention by the brain that puts the baby to sleep to
minimise the impact of the trauma being experienced by the child as it cries and its social engagement
system is not working in that moment to alert the parent to its distress.
The same impaired outcome of the baby no longer feeling soothed or safe again, and becoming anxious
and needy is a common outcome from this social engineering practice, as well as for any other type of
social-engagement failure or trauma.(Ogden:2006). The result is the baby further develops into an infant
who are not able to create a sense of unity, and continuity of the self across the past, present, and future,
or in the relationship of the self with others. This impairment shows itself in the emotional instability, social
dysfunction, poor response to stress, and cognitive disorganisation and disorientation(Siegel:1999 and
Ogden:2006).
In BodyMind psychotherapy we see how such formative baby/infant trauma starts to literally shape the
body and the personality in such a terror filled, anxious, and disorganised individual. Refer to
our Characterology section of the Unwanted Child (Schizoid) for more information about this bodymind
outcome.
The mother is the primary care giving object in the world of the baby and then the later
infant(Siegel:1999). The mother modulates her childs arousal by both calming the infant when arousal is
too high and stimulating the baby when arousal is too low, thus helping the baby or infant to remain in an
optimal state of self(Ogden:2006 and Shore:1994). Only the attuned presence of the caregiver can repair
any breaches in the infants trust due to the failure of their social engagement system.
This is achieved by bodily contact and the nurturance and caring touch, sounds, looks and emotions from
the parent towards the child. A parent who is emotionally unavailable, absent, drunk, drugged, angry,
depressed, sick, or who is self-absorbed for any number of reasons, will not only fail to repair the trust,
but will probably deepen the trauma and the breach of trust(Siegel:1999). Breaches of trust are life or
death situations to the totally vulnerable infant and will be processed in this way by the infant.
Abandonment is a death-like terror to the infant(Lowen:1996).
Parents have the primary responsibility to create the safe physical and emotional environment for their
children. The parent must within a safe environment then be able to contain or provide a holding
environment for the infant via creating a psychological environment that fosters the infants selfregulating capacities(Winnicott:1990).
This cannot be substituted for by strangers or strange environments such as Day Care Centres. Our
evolution does not give us the resources to cope with being placed in strange environments without the
presence of the life-affirming mother. The parent must literally hold and contain the child, but also
emotionally hold the child as it expresses its self through its limited faculties, and the mother understand
and meet those needs where possible through voice, touch, love and gaze through their
eyes(Winnicott:1990). A stranger will create arousal and distress in the child in the absence of a
mother(Winnicott:1990).

The good enough mother/caregiver that Winnicott describes(Ogden:2006) is able to put the childs
needs as separate to their own, to be there for the child, to mentalise the child and their developing self in
a way where the mother understands and responds to the infants peculiar way of doing things and
communicating with empathy. The mother and infant develop an intuitive resonance and dance of cues
and expressions that are built on understanding and trust, and which cement the attachment bond, and
allow the child to develop strong and secure social engagement systems and experiences.
In some forms of Shamanism this attunement process is described as the adult mother stepping into the
myth of the child(Campbell:1990). This means the adult meets the child in their reality and deals with
them compassionately in their world and their story or reality.
As the baby grows into infanthood and beyond it is better able to communicate and express with more
and more of its own faculties coming online. Mothers and increasingly fathers then need to enrich the
stimulation of the child and provide pleasurable experiences that take positive advantage of the childs
richly developing neural pathways in the brain(Doidge:2007). Novelty, new stimulus and experiences, and
caregiver interactions of a more mature and advanced type in a safe container, will foster the developing
childs brain, nervous system and maturing social engagement system(Ogden:2006).
In the last 40 years it has been the way of the western world to witness the breakdown of the traditional
family system where the mother was able to stay at home as a choice to be there and raise babies into
children at least till they started school. A variety of social, economic and self-actualisation drivers and
goals created much of this change. The increasing demand for raised standards of living and materialistic
consumption also create the need for the family system to be underpinned by double incomes of both
parents.
These societal and lifestyle choice outcomes have not served the early life developmental needs of
children(Biddulph:2007). Statistics on many fronts are revealing increasing states of learning disabilities in
children, anxiety and depressive disorders in school age children and teenagers, mental health issues
and socialisation issues. Early life traumas have been linked to many of these conditions.
The attachment bonding process of baby/infant years is also significant in the later adult ways of finding
adult forms of attachment via relationship and intimacy. Childhood developmental psychology has
formulated some key ways and types of describing the infant attachment outcomes in terms of effect and
their behaviours in the child, and then later as an adult. Attachment patterns, formed in infancy, usually
remain relatively stable throughout childhood and adulthood(Cozolino:2010).
Pat Ogden(2006) describes well the basis for attachment patterns. Attachment patterns are also held in
place by chronic physical tendencies, reflective of early attachment. Encoded as procedural memory,
these patterns manifest proximity-seeking, social engagement behaviour(smiling, movement toward,
reaching out, eye contact) and defensive expressions(physical withdrawal, tension patterns, and hyper or
hypo-arousal).
The 4 key Attachment Pattern stereotypes that follow are generalisations and a summary. A wide range of
variation may exist inside any one of these types, and no-one is one of these types, but an individual will
have their own unique attachment pattern experiences and outcomes that lie in and across one or more
of these generalisations.

SECURE ATTACHMENT
Secure attachment is the healthy mother-child emotional bonding process described earlier in this article.
It is a bond of emotional safety and understanding that secures the babies place in the world and which
makes it safe to start to explore that world. The good enough mother accomplishes the task of creating
secure attachment through reciprocal, attuned, bodily centric and verbal communication with the
infant(Ogden:2006).
What one sees in such a securely grounded infant is:

the start of exploratory behaviour in the presence of the parent;

shows signs of missing the parent upon separation;
approaches the parent without avoidance or ambivalence upon reunion;
may often initiate physical contact;
is quickly soothed upon distress and can resume exploration soon after;

Effectively these children develop a wide window of tolerance, are able to mentalise, form effective social
engagement systems, and achieve overall adaptive functioning of parasympathetic and sympathetic
states of their ANS(Ogden:2006). It creates a primary defence against being traumatised by events
outside their control. These children are able to stay present to sustained arousal of their ANS in an
optimal sense, and so are able to tolerate stimulus of many forms without activating defences.
An adult who encountered an infanthood of secure attachment has a solid foundation with which to face
lifes varied and many challenges. If their childhood was otherwise stable and not subject to other major
disturbances and traumas then the resulting adult will be able to face adult intimate relationships with an
enhanced set of internal resources.
Such an adult can generally seek proximity to others with little or no avoidance or angry resistance of a
passive or active nature, and can tolerate relationship frustrations and disappointments(Ogden:2006).
Such adults are likely to be able to work with an adult partner beyond the initial fantasy phase of
relationships where idealisation of the partner tends to exist(Johnson:2000). As a child they progressed
from dependence to external and internal regulation of environments and feelings and developed abilities
to regulate emotional arousal. They can then act appropriately in relationships when they are adults.
Such adults can be with oneself without anxiety and can also go to another for interpersonal support, both
of which are critical skills in adult relationships. They normally are quite psychologically grounded in
themselves and form attachments(relationships and friendships) easily from a stable social-engagement
system.
The life cycle of the adult relationship typically involves many changes. It begins, of course, with the
"honeymoon phase", in which we are madly in love with our partner and everything is exciting and
wonderful. This is where our bodymind floods us with endorphins and opiate like chemicals that send us
into the lovers swoon. This can be notoriously short-lived.
This phase of relationship is commonly built on idealised projections about who the other person is and
these fantasy projections are typically unmet hopes about our own natures(Johnson:2000). It may be

based on suppositions about who the other person is, which can turn out not to be true. A person who is
grounded in themself via a secure social engagement system normally navigates this phase without major
issue.
The next phase of relationship may involve some disillusionment, as it involves the dissolving of false
idealised projections projected onto the other person when our bodymind believes that we have achieved
a social/emotional bond with that person(Doidge:2007). Each person starts to really see the other person
in the naked light of truth and this may require facing some harsh realities. Many couples break up at this
point.
The arousal of emotional states and any fighting that occurs in this period will typically be handled well by
the person grounded in secure attachment. This is because their physical movements and tendencies
reflect integrated, tempered movements of approach that are context-appropriate, such as moving
towards, reaching out, or otherwise seeking contact(Ogden:2006). They take responsibility for their own
needs and wants.
When in a conflict setting if they are triggered, and their arousal exceeds their window of tolerance, they
are able to seek and receive soothing and calming, without ambivalence, and are also able to selfregulate(Ogden:2006). They remain harmonious in terms of predictable behaviours and emotions in
respect to the context of whats going on for them in the moment.
This ability to be modulated and grounded stems from the secure attachment outcome from childhood,
plus other factors. In the child there was congruency between their interior psychological need and
physical goals, and this is seen with harmonious movements of their body. Their congruent behaviour
shows via their cognitive, emotional, and sensual levels of information processing being
aligned(Ogden:2006).
This shows in the childs behaviour. When observed their intention for such actions as proximity to the
mother, exploration away from the mother, desire for play, and attention seeking for needs, are easily
detected and seen in harmonious, cohesive movements of the childs behaviour and body(Ogden:2006).
As adults such congruent behaviours will also be seen. These adults usually are comfortable being
autonomous as well as comfortable seeking help and support from others, have good boundaries and are
in contact with their inner life, needs and wants(Johnson:2000). As a general rule such people are a
healthy basis to enter and conduct healthy adult relationships.
A healthy relationship might be said to be one in which there is freedom and support for each individual to
pursue their personal goals, as well as nurturing and promoting the mutual goals which the two partners
share. The relationship is able to simultaneously support both a me and a we entity for both persons in
the relationship. Such a relationship may function without intimacy, but most adults have an intention to
establish varying levels of intimacy in adult relationship
Intimacy covers not just sexual contact but mental and emotional contact and sharing, and physical
contact. Intimacy is often alluded to as a magical "something" which gives excitement and depth to the
relationship. Emotional intimacy is difficult to achieve unless the two people interacting with each other
are relatively sure of who they are and have a fairly clearly defined sense of their own identity. One of the

most difficult challenges is to maintain a strong sense of ones own self whilst remaining in contact with
the other person.
A person who has a past that involved a foundation built on secure-attachment is well placed to attempt a
dynamic and flowing exchange of intimacy at its varying levels and with fluctuations to that dynamic over
time. Such a person will typically seek a stable partner who can meet them in such a stable and adult
place of relationship and intimacy. If the person has later or other disturbances or unresolved traumas
then of course they may still attract and be attracted to unstable or destructive relationships and partners
in relationship.

INSECURE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
Another form of attachment outcome is what is known as insecure-avoidant attachment. Such an
outcome is quite common in our society and sets up many adults with this background to have troubled
later adult intimate relationships(Siegel:1999). It is still a relatively adapted and functionally organised
outcome which can learn and modify itself with insight over time(Siegel:1999). This may involve
counselling, psychotherapy or relational skills learning.
According to childhood developmental researchers such as Schore (2001), mothers of insecure-avoidant
infants actively thwarted or blocked proximity seeking behaviours of the baby/infant, responding instead
with punishment or by withdrawing from the child, or even physically pushing the child away. In this
scenario the mother has their own unhealed emotional issues around physical contact and physical
intimacy. The mother may have the same insecure-avoidant history as their own child and are now
propagating and creating a next generational continuance of the same problem.
Mothers with this issue are seen to have a general distaste for physical contact except where they are in
control and such contact is on their terms (Ogden:2006). The mother may respond to the baby/infant
overtures or desire for contact with wincing, arching away, or avoiding mutual gaze or numbing out to
responding at all (Siegel:1999).
The baby/infant is totally dependent on the mother for its existence and this set of behaviours traumatises
the child (Ogden:2006). Unfortunately in some schools of parenting we now see mothers taught not to
spoil the infant with too much attention and so we are potentially propagating this problem with
contemporary parenting methods. What is not acknowledged is that the baby/infant only communicates its
innate needs and is not faking it or capable of being spoilt in any sense. It is often an adult who has not
met its own adult needs that needs to label a baby/infant as spoiled or too needy, except where illness
creates exceptional needs from the infant (Siegel:1999).
The baby/infant must respond and adapt to this terror filled scenario that each time threatens its integrity
and safety. The child adapts to this adult expression of communication of abandonment and unavailability
by expressing little need for proximity, and apparently little interest in adult overtures for
contact(Ogden:2006). The avoidant child does not sustain contact when it is made, and does not trust it,
but instead will focus on toys and objects rather than on the mother.
The child tends to avoid eye contact with the mother and shows few visible signs of distress upon
separation(Ogden:2006). Unfortunately this last outcome is a planned outcome of some parental training

methodologies which create a no fuss or compliant child. This social engineering approach to creating a
child who is minimally needy and demanding is actually creating the basis for a form of avoidant child who
will later in all likelihood struggle in interpersonal dynamics as an adult. The child incurs a large cost to fit
in with the modern parents idealised idea of what a child should be, act and become to fit in with the
perfectionistic and tamed outcomes that reflect narcissistic trends in society(Meier:2009).
The avoidant child also actively ignores or even avoids the mother upon reunion. They may turn to toys,
lean away, move away, and struggle when picked up, as they do not want to feel the pain of being
rejected by the mothers uncomfortable approach to social engagement with them(Ogden:2006). They
generally do not seek proximity with caregivers and are reserved emotionally. The child may attach itself
to a pet which gives it unconditional love that is missing from the mother(Siegel:1999).
Typically the child who had an Insecure-Avoidant outcome will display some key attachment pattern and
social engagement traits as an adult. The adult may have a dismissive stance towards the importance of
attachments in adult relationships. They often distance themselves from others, undervalue interpersonal
relationships, become self-reliant, and tend to view emotions with cynicism (Ogden:2006).
The avoidant adult tends to withdraw under relationship and work stresses and avoid seeking emotional
support from others(Ogden:2006). As they have a compromised social engagement system and have
defended and cut-off themselves from internal states of feelings these adults typically minimise their
attachment needs(Ogden:2006). They are emotionally deadened and defended(Lowen:1996). They
prefer auto-regulation and self reliance to interactive support, and can find dependence frightening or
unpleasant and avoid situations that would stimulate attachment or intimacy needs(Siegel:1999).
In these people we often see a defended body such as strong muscular armouring and rigidity which
creates an independent but defended body structure where there is a deadening to the feelings and
internal states of being. Refer to our Characterology section, under The Endurer (Masochist) and The
Perfectionist / Obsessional (Rigid) characters have some relevance here.
Whilst the background and pure etiology of the Endurer and Rigid/Perfectionistic character structures
classically has other contributory origins, the resulting defences are not unlike that outcome we find here
in the Insecure-Avoidant. It is speculation as to how the whole attachment phase of childhood directly
contributes to resulting characterology but writers such as Robert Johnson in his book Character
Styles(Johnson 2004), links attachment phase disturbances to embodied character outcomes. The whole
body of childhood developmental psychology and trauma was largely unknown at the time in the 1920s
that Wilhelm Reich first constructed the 5 key characterology archetypes.
The body of Insecure-Avoidant adults often show constricted or blocked muscles in the upper shoulders
that restrict or make it a stiff gesture to reach out and hold another(Ogden:2006). Some may show
passivity with little emotion or physical effort in touching or reaching out or hugging. Their bodies may
appear unlived in(Lowen:1994). As adults when they are approached they may avert their gaze, pull back,
become anxious, or reveal armouring or defences via a lack of emotional contact(Ogden:2006).
The adult may display a lack of congruency between their internal states and their external reactions and
behaviours. The adult may fidget and be restless but when asked how they are will always respond with
fine, and may be totally unaware that their reported state is not matched by bodily arousal or affect.

In an adult relationship the Insecure-Avoidant adult is often in a pendulum swing with their partner where
they alternatively come just so far towards the other person, get over whelmed, and withdraw away from a
mate who may chase after them(Goldberg:1997). When the arousal which has threatened to engulf them
dissipates, they attempt to re-enter the relationship on their terms, and control the dynamics from there.
An alternative way of avoiding contact is to move away and disengage from the other person, so that
ones individuality is maintained clearly but the price one pays is that there is a gulf between the two
people. The Avoidant personality may be driven by a phobia of closeness, such that it feels too
threatening to get too close to the other. Alternatively it may be simply due to an inability to connect with
others as they are shutdown inside emotionally, and so are unable to feel very much on an emotional
level(Siegel:1999). Narcissistic personalities suffer from this same basic problem as well(Johnson:2004).
Their low threshold of arousal means that they typically learn to modulate it via solitude, turning inwards
through reading, day dreaming, and worlds of fantasy(Ogden:2006). They are prone to internet addictions
where alternate realities can be entered and which are safe and under their control(Buchanan:2009).
The adult can escalate quickly into frustration and anger as they cannot easily regulate their emotional
arousal. They may express hostility in peer relationships due to a lack of social engagement skills in being
able to resolve conflict(Ogden:2006). This is often a problem in their intimate relationships where
emotional arousal is more likely to be triggered.
The avoidance of contact will exclude the possibility of intimacy. Intimacy can only begin to happen if both
people are present as their true selves, and remain in contact. Contact is the dance of exchanging
feelings and thoughts in an ongoing flow - honestly and without trying to control the outcome. This is
difficult, scary, and exciting even when one has a functioning social engagement system from the
attachment phase of childhood. When this system is compromised it becomes less possible without
proper therapy to overcome such constraints and impairments to enter and sustain emotionally intimate
adult relationships.
In my and others opinions, our current societal practices of controlled parenting, controlled crying, and the
ever earlier abandonment of babies and infants into Day Care Centres by parents needing to pursue
double income lifestyles, can only serve to contribute to, and accelerate this negative outcome in
succeeding generations of society.
INSECURE AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT
A variation of the insecure attachment outcome is known as the Insecure-Ambivalent outcome. In this set
of dynamics the mother is inconsistent and unpredictable in her response to the baby/infant. She may
either over-arouse the infant or fail to help the baby/infant to engage(Siegel:1999). Mothers who suffer an
alcohol or drug addiction may exhibit such varying tendencies, as may a mother with a medical condition
such as Depression, where varying periods of being present to the childs needs did not
occur(Siegel:1999).
The interactions of the mother are often a response to her own emotional needs and moods rather than
the baby/infants, this parent may stimulate the baby/infant inappropriately into high arousal even when the
infant is attempting to alert the mother of trying to down-regulate the stimulus by some technique such as

gaze aversion(Ogden:2006). The mother imposes her own emotional needs on the infant and effectively
traumatises the child in the process(Siegel:1999).
In this dynamic the mothers own emotional need for engagement and contact overrides the infants state
of being and its needs in that moment, and the mother invades and intrudes on the child causing
escalation and dysregulation of the baby/infants arousal(Ogden:2006). This over-stimulation can easily
threaten the childs integrity and sense of safety.
A common dynamic of this sort is the Narcissistic mother who treats their baby/infant as a showpiece
who they from time to time dress-up, trot out in public, and make them the centre of attention where the
multiple gazes of others may overwhelm the baby/infant. The mother is treating the child as an extension
of herself, and trying to get applause and good attention from having a special baby or child. The child is
being used to feed the mothers narcissistic supplies (Lewi-Martinez:2006).
Another version of this intrusion is the parents desire to make their child into the next prodigy. Some
parents overdo the stimulation of their child with demands they start to read/write, play piano, do
mathematics etc far too early. The parents typically project their own narcissistic demands on the child to
be special and force it to learn so they can then boast and show off the child to others. This can be
abusive. The child is not seen for its innate self but is like a fashion accessory to be worn by the parent as
part of their grandiose and perfect mother/father image(Meiers:2009).
A child used by the mother in this way gets confusing signals. The baby/infant will get special attention
in public as the mother insincerely practices good motherhood in public and amongst friends as a way of
portraying the narcissistic image of the perfect woman in society(Lewi-Martinez:2008). As its all about the
mother it is in reality all insincere. Once home the child is then typically subject to indifference and
rejection as the narcissistic mother cannot be there for the child, and instead the child only serves the
purpose of being there for the mother to make her look good(Meiers:2009).
In this way, and via other types of behaviours, the mother is inconsistent in her availability, sometimes
allowing and encouraging proximity and sometimes not, and so the child is unsure the reliability of the
parents response to its bodily somatic and affective communications(Ogden(2006). The baby/infant
responds to this uncertainty and inconsistency by becoming cautious, distraught, angry, distressed, and
preoccupied throughout the separation and reconnection processes with the mother(Ogden:2006).
Upon reunion they may cry and be distressed and cannot be comforted by the caregivers presence or
attempts at soothing the baby/infant. The child develops irritability, often struggles to recover from stress,
show poor impulse control, fear abandonment, and engage in acting-out behaviours such as anger
etc(Allen:2001). Such children are often tagged as having difficult temperaments with tendencies to
intense expression and negative mood responses, slow adaptability to change, and lack of control over
some biological functions, as seen in bed wetting etc(Ogden:2006).
The child may fluctuate between angry, rejecting behaviours and needy contact seeking behaviours upon
reunion with the mother upon separation. The repair of breaches of trust and abandonment is not so
easily made as the child has learnt to not trust the mothers consistency or safety, and fears being used
again to meet the mothers needs which terrorise the child(Siegel:1999).

The adult who had an attachment phase childhood that fits the category of Insecure-Ambivalent are noted
for having a preoccupied stance toward attachment in adulthood. They are prone to be preoccupied with
attachment needs, to be overly dependent on others, and often have a tendency towards enmeshment
and intensity in adult interpersonal and intimate relationships, with a preference for proximity to the other
person(Ogden:2006).
Such adults may attract and be attracted to Narcissistic partners, or addictive partners who are
emotionally unavailable or fluctuating in relationship. The person is effectively caretaking or enabling the
other person in the relationship which is a re-creation of their childhood role with the
mother(Mellody:2001). They may be co-dependent personalities. The adult with the Insecure-Ambivalent
attachment issue will focus excessively on internal distress, and often seek relief as a matter of priority via
their own addictions or anxiety soothing behaviours(Mellody:2001).
These adults have a history and patterns of experiencing unsafe or compromised social-engagement
dynamics with their mothers. It is no surprise that they then recreate this in adult relationships and often
are unable to recognise safety or its absence in relationship. They may have a series of unsafe
relationships or be attracted to bad boys or critical mother types of partners.
Their stance in relationship is the availability of their own ability to attach to their partner and corrective
measures when that person becomes unavailable, or threatens to abandon them(Ogden:2006). They are
effectively co-dependent. They may not be able to contain their own arousal of emotions and anxiety
and may seek to discharge it suddenly and without thoughtful, purposeful action that accomplishes a
particular goal(Ogden:2006). They may show some dysregulated behaviours.
Writers such as Robert Johnson in his book Character Styles(Johnson 2004), links attachment phase
disturbances to embodied character outcomes. The body of Insecure-Ambivalent adults often show a
flaccid and undeveloped aspect due to a lack of nurturance by the mother. They may have under the
flaccidity of their chests a deeper set of muscles that are constricted or blocked muscles in the upper
shoulders that restrict or hesitate the gesture to reach out and hold another(Johnson:2004).
Some may show a deep longing with puppy dog eyes, and a passivity with a plea for
contact(Johnson:2004). They are preoccupied with touching or reaching out or hugging for nurturance
rather than adult intimacy(Lowen:1994). Their bodies may appear unlived in(Lowen:1994). As they are
approached they may become nervous, agitate in their bodies, and a loss or increase in muscular tone at
the thought of separation(Ogden:2006).
In their adult relationships they often seek to blur with or merge into the other person. This can happen in
subtle ways like being accommodating and enabling the other persons unhealthy
behaviours(Mellody:2001). Often it is easier to go along with the other persons wishes, in order to avoid
conflict or making a fuss. This prevents arousal overwhelming the person and meets the unconscious
familiar place of being there for the other person, just as they were for mother when they were a child.
If you step back from disclosing what you really want, or who you really are, then you have adopted a role
which is a false self. This too can mimic a Narcissistic parent who lives effectively from a false self of an
idealised image. If this becomes a repeating pattern, it gets to an enabling stance where your own identity
and needs no longer matter, are met or acknowledged. This mimics childhood. The relationship becomes

stuck and rigid because there is no room to move beyond the false identities, and neither adult is healthy.
Eventually one can find oneself being slowly eroded away until one begins to lose a sense of oneself.
The inconsistent responses of the mother taught the child to increase signalling for attention, which
escalated distress in order to solicit care giving (Ogden:2006). As adults they are find isolation stressful
because they have trouble tolerating solitude they instead cling to social and relational
contact(Ogden:2006).
They tend to become overly dependent on interactive regulation and nurturance from others.
Simultaneously they experience a lack of ability to be easily calmed and soothed in relationship, as they
remain distrustful of the contact and so remain hyper vigilant and hyper aroused at the thought of being
invaded, used or hurt by the other person(Ogden:2006).
The feeling of merging with another person can be appealing at certain times. If you are in a state of
anxiety, it can feel very safe and reassuring to dive into another person. It is an attempt to finally get the
nurturance needs met that were denied all those years ago as a baby/infant. The emotional "fusion" can
reduce anxiety and restore a sense of identity and purpose, even though the identity is now a we and
not a me. It can and does also foster dependency on the other person, as the relationship is a codependent one.
Intimacy fosters the notion of healthy fusion from a place of strong boundaries and a healthy sense of
self. The eros of adult relationship involves in part the melting of individual boundaries and the fusion of
two people into a container of at-one-ment where temporarily we unite.
Healthy fusion can be an experience of ecstatic union during sexual intercourse or moments of extreme
tenderness there can be a feeling of melting deliciously into the other person. This is a healthy and
desirable thing, as long as it is temporary, and one is able to freely move back to being a separate
identity. This is not co-dependency.
DISORGANISED/DISORIENTED ATTACHMENT
A more severe attachment outcome is known as the Disorganised/Disoriented Attachment outcome. In
this set of dynamics the mother is either neglectful or abusive or both. The mother often has their own
set of trauma, abuse or psychological issues that have not been dealt with(Ogden:2006). The mothers
actions with the child are either frightening or frightened or show role confusion, and act disoriented,
abusive, dissociated, or traumatised around the baby/infant (Siegel:1999). There is trauma experienced
by the baby/infant but no access to repair through the mother.
The mother may exhibit any number of gestures which threaten or traumatise the child. Writers such as
Pat Ogden, Main and Hesse, and Siegel note that these include:

Looming behaviours;
Press face close to childs;
Sudden movements;
Sudden invasion of the child;
Yelling and angry or rageful expressions at the child;

Attack postures;
Fearful reactions, voices, looks;
Backing away or collapse in front of child;
Trance or splitting-off states where no contact possible with child;
Aimless wandering and inattention to childs cries;
Mocking, teasing, pulling, pinching, punching, slapping the child;
Leaving child around excessive stimulus, or un-safe environments or persons;

Unfortunately these scenarios traumatise the defenceless baby/infant beyond what their sensitive nervous
systems can handle. The result is that it induces traumatic states of enduring negative effect. Often the
mother is dysfunctional, or in a dysfunctional relationship where the attachment bond is weak and the
mother provides little protection against other potential abusers of the infant(Ogden:2006).
Children raised in ghettos, housing estates, and families where adults have untreated drug and alcohol
addictions, and occasioning psychological issues, are a typical type of scenario of such child
raising(ODonell:2007). The caregiver is inaccessible and reacts to the baby/infants expressions of
emotions and stress inappropriately and/or with rejection(Ogden:2006).
The mother shows minimal and unpredictable participation in the various types of arousal regulating
processes. The child is left hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused for long periods of time with no repair given to
their social-engagement system or self(Ogden:2006). The child develops traumatised methods and states
of dealing with the world, its caregivers, and often portrays contradictory signals and inconsistent internal
and external states to others in interactions(Siegel:1999). They enact attachment and defence systems
simultaneously as the two are fused or linked due to the original link between attachment and
threat(Levine:2000).
Main and Solomon(1990) named the Disorganised/Disoriented attachment style, and noted seven key
categories of behaviour in such a child as they develop from baby/infant stages. Pat Ogden(2006)
summarises these as follows:
1. Sequential contradictory behaviour; for example, proximity seeking followed by freezing,
withdrawal, or dazed behaviour;
2. Simultaneous contradictory behaviour, such as avoidance combined with proximity seeking;
3. Incomplete, interrupted, or undirected behaviours and expressions, such as distress
accompanied by moving away from the attachment figure;
4. Mistimed, stereotypical, or asymmetrical movements, and strange, anomalous behaviour, such as
stumbling when the mother is present and there is no clear reason to stumble;
5. Movements and expressions indicative of freezing, stilling, and underwater actions;
6. Postures that indicate apprehension of the caregiver, such as fearful expressions or hunched
shoulders; and
7. Behaviour that indicates disorganisation and disorientation, such as aimless wandering around,
stillness, or dazed, confused expression.
These responses are also found in adults who have encountered trauma from other situations or
environments, for this type of child suffers from trauma as a result of such dysfunctional care
giving(Levine:2000). The child is driven by instinctual forces towards attachment but must do so with

extreme defences engaged to ward off or deal with anticipated threats when doing so, and so one sees
both in action at any one time, which presents as a disorganised way of dealing with life (Van Der
Kolk:1996).
Adults who have grown up with a Disorganised/Disoriented Attachment outcome, will often recreate the
chaos, terror, and dysfunction in their primary adult relationships (Main and Solomon:1990). The child
normalises and unconsciously seeks out a re-creation of disturbing childhood dynamics and abuse with
love partners(Bradshaw:1988). They may avoid relationships altogether as their social-engagement
system is not functional and gets overwhelmed and flooded by trauma re-creations when attachment is
attempted(Main and Solomon:1990).
In any relationship their ongoing priority is to stay safe and to hold it all together within
themself(Lowen:1996). Relationships do not have a typical style except to note that they are typically a
struggle as in many ways all of life remains a struggle for the Disorganised/Disoriented adult.
Children and adults who experienced such attachment patterns in their childhood have been shown in
medical studies to have elevated heart rates, intense alarm reactions, higher cortisol neurotransmitter
levels in their blood, and legacy behaviours such as stilling or going into a trance, unresponsiveness, and
a bodymind shutdown when triggered(Schore:2001).
What happens is that the person utilises its Autonomic Nervous system fight or flight defence in
sympathetic mode, and when this fails, they then switch to a immobilisation or shutting down via the
parasympathetic state with the Dorsal Vagal complex of the brain(Porges:2001). The effect appears to
mimic a death or freezing out of all external stimuli so as not to create arousal symptoms in the person
and so head off more trauma.
Their bodies reflect this same expression. According to Wilhelm Reich/Bioenergetics/Core Energetics
theory of characterology, one can often find some distinct bodily outcomes in this adult person. Not all
need be present and they are a summary of an archetype, not a person. I refer you the Unwanted Child
(Schizoid) archetype best fits the Disorganised/Disoriented person. According to Alexander Lowen (1986)
and Robert Johnson(2004), the following features may be noted.
The body tends to show the contraction of the muscles and movements that led to the original impulses
that resulted in hostility, frustration, pain and negativity coming its way. These chronic contracted muscles
then affect posture and possibly affect bodily system regulation and proper function. The person loses
spontaneous movement, some feeling, and behaviour as a result. This trade-off occurs to minimise
feeling pain. The person shuts down across itself, deadens, and survives.
Expression and release of the blocked impulses is equated to the illusion that this will annihilate them and
others around them. They shut down and become deadened in the body, still, and peaceful in movement
and mind, and adopt spiritual giving as a defence against vigour and energetic release, so reinforcing
their blocks.
The body therefore appears deadened, stiff, and moves mechanically and with prior awareness of the
person who ensures it is safe to do so. The child had to undergo a self-negation process where they
disowned their impulses, faced intense attack and hostility, which produced sheer terror and pain, often

from the caregivers. To stay present and to resist or protest were both too painful to bear, and could invite
further punishment or abandonment. The key way we shut these down in the body is by restricting the
breathing and so they may have shallow breathing.
This will be found in the tightness and constriction of the chest muscles, the tight intercostals muscles
between the ribs which constrict breathing, and a raised set of shoulders, thereby creating a constricted
and extended chest. The throat is constricted, the person chokes when excited or anxious, and feelings
are cut-off between the body and the head. The person often has an under developed chest, with a
possible spine twisting either as some form of Scoliosis, Lordosis or Kyphosis, as an expression of turning
or twisting away from the terror.
In some adults they manifest a malnourished body that resembles someone who needs to eat more, or
who looks like they were in a concentration camp. They often have a sinewy body, veins, muscles and
bones are prominent. They are not in contact with their impulses which are repressed and so often are
not aware of own hunger, thirst, heat or coldness of the body. They often dress inappropriately and do not
align to their environment.
The eyes are striking in this personality as they normally deeply express the frozen shock of the terror
that they faced in the baby/infant period and from whatever and whoever traumatised them. The eyes
lack warmth, or are unresponsive, and stay frozen or fixed, and go classically vacant when the person
dissociates or splits off. This is often termed the Terror Response look, and coupled with the raised
shoulders, projects the classic frozen stance of a startled person. This block is considered to function to
prevent the person becoming conscious to feelings and also so as not to actually see the outside
terrifying object of hostility. As a consequence they may wear glasses or have sight issues.
The limbs of the adult may be weak, thin and under-developed and that may be locked and braced
against threats. They may have suffered at the hands of poor parenting skills where the mother lacked an
understanding of proper diet or nutrition for infants.
The trunk of the body may appear out of proportion to the limbs and head, and a general asymmetry may
show up in the overall body. The body may not present as a unitary whole, or left and right sides may be
different sizes. They often have hammer toes and a raised arch in the feet, reflecting the terror reflex
where their toes are clawing into the earth like a cat. The feet may be larger than the ankles and out of
proportion, be cold to the touch, have gnarled toes and poor circulation. They appear ungrounded and
may walk awkwardly. They are ungrounded and this shows in the feet and legs. They often struggle with
balance, posture or leg/feet issues which reflect their struggle in life.
CONCLUSIONS
In summary it is a fragile path to adulthood that a person must navigate to emerge as a functional adult
who is capable of entering and sustaining healthy intimate adult relationships. If we define intimacy as a
particular kind of knowing of the other person which is pursued for its own sake, and not for the
satisfaction of any particular goal, then we can see how for many of us, we are still trying to be safe, get
nurturance, autonomy or other needs and actualisations achieved whilst conducting relationship.

As a society we are increasingly conducting ourselves in ways that is only possibly increasing the
problem with the social engagement process between mother and baby/infants. As a result we are
possibly creating the basis for attachment outcomes that cannot be labelled as Secure. We may be
educating otherwise good enough mothers to be behaving in ways that they do not fully understand has
negative implications for their baby/infants immediate and future physical, emotional and mental health
outcomes.
From this baby/infant stage the child must then go on to negotiate another important stage in childhood
development whose outcome will also influence its later ability as an adult to enter and sustain adult
intimate relationships. This oedipal/Narcissistic stage of the childs development is covered in my
companion article Adult Relationships and How Childhood Oedipal/Narcissistic development affects Adult
Intimacy.
We assist adults in the repair and to heal childhood traumas such as those described in this article. For
many this now shows up in terms of frustration and issues in entering and maintaining adult intimate
relationships. The good news is that we as humans are plastic in the sense we are capable of repairing
childhood issues and then as adults adapting and adjusting into ways of being that create more
happiness and appropriateness in adult life.
Richard Boyd
Contact the Energetics Institute for more information about Depression, Anxiety, and other bodymind states of being that affect yourself or someone you love and interact with.
Richard Boyd is an experienced Body Mind Psychotherapist and the Director of the Energetics
Institute in Perth, Western Australia.
Mob 0407577793
email: r.boyd@energeticsinstitute.com.au
www.energeticsinstitute.com.au
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