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Funny Girl:
'I'm a Bagel'
FANNY BRICE:

Suppose all ya ever had for breakfast was onion rolls. Then one day, in walks (gasp) a bagel! You'd
say, 'Ugh, what's that?' Until you tried it! That's my problem - I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls.
Nobody recognizes me! Listen, I got 36 expressions. Sweet as pie and tough as leather. And that's six
expressions more than all those...Barrymores put together. Instead of just kicking me, why don't they
give me a lift? Well, it must be a plot, 'cause they're scared that I got...such a gift! 'Cause I'm the
greatest star, I am by far, but no one knows it. Wait - they're gonna hear a voice, a silver flute. They'll
cheer each toot, hey, she's terrific!, when I expose it. Now can't you see to look at me that I'm a natural
Camille, and as Camille, I just feel, I've so much to offer. Kid, I know I'd be divine because I'm a natural
cougher (coughs) - some ain't got it, not a lump. I'm a great big clump of talent! Laugh, they'll bend in
half. Did you ever hear the story about the travelling salesman? A thousand jokes, stick around for the
jokes. A thousand faces. I reiterate. When you're gifted, then you're gifted. These are facts, I've got no
axe to grind. Ay! What are ya, blind? In all of the world so far, I'm the greatest star! No autographs,
please. What? You think beautiful girls are gonna stay in style forever? I should say not! Any minute now
they're gonna be out! FINISHED! Then it'll be my turn!

____________________________________________________________________

Bargaining
By Kellie Powell

Hannah is an immortal being. She has been dating Ryan for about a year, and she decides to tell him the
truth about her immortality, and offer him a chance to live forever.

HANNAH:

Ryan, there's something I want to tell you. (Pause.) I was born in 1931. I never lied to you, I am 23. But
I've been 23 since the year 1954. I know this is a lot to take in, and I know we haven't been seeing each
other very long, but I wanted to tell you the truth, now, before you got any more invested.

I know, I know. It's impossible, right? No one lives forever? But, sometimes they do. In 1953, I got
married. A few weeks after the wedding, I suddenly fell ill. My husband took me to a hospital. I was there
for almost a week. I was in so much pain. And no one could say for sure what was wrong. One night, in
the hospital, a stranger came to see me. He told the hospital that he was a relative. He told me, "Janie,
you're going to die tomorrow." That was my name then, the name I was born with.

This man, the stranger, he offered me a chance to live forever. He said, "You can die tomorrow, or you
can live forever. Stay young forever." Well, of course my first thought was, the devil has come to tempt
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me. He wasn't the devil. And of course, I don't believe in the devil anymore. There are powerful beings
on this earth, but man created Satan. And God, for that matter. My point is, this man offered me a chance
to live. And I took it.

I will live forever. I will never age. I cannot be harmed, not physically. I can't be hurt by bullets, or
knives, or fire, or even explosions. I can't be hurt by diseases - in fact, I can't even catch a cold.

When my husband was 45, he died in a car accident. At his funeral, the stranger came to see me again.
He asked me if I wanted to... give up my gift, and... die. I thought about it. But I said, no. I wasn't ready.
I knew there was more for me. I have centuries and centuries ahead of me. These first hundred years...
are like a drop in the ocean...

My husband never knew about me, and he didn't have a choice. I don't want to go through that again. I
don't want to fall in love again for twenty years. Twenty years is... gone in the blink of an eye. I'm looking
for someone to love forever. Most people, when they say forever, they mean... well, they don't really
mean forever. But I do. I'm falling in love with you, Ryan. And I'm asking you to share forever with me.

Dogface
By Kellie Powell

"Dogface" is a play about growing up ugly. The title character is attacked by a dog when she is seven,
which causes the other children at school to provide her derogatory nickname - an identity she never fully
escapes from. In this monologue, Dogface confronts her friend, Ethan. They recently slept together, which
she thought implied that their relationship was moving to a new level, but Ethan has instead been
ignoring her and pretending that nothing happened.

DOGFACE:

I don't want to get all Hallmark card on you, but you're my best friend. We've been through so much
together. You know me better than I have ever let anyone know me. You're the first person I've ever met
who understands me, who thinks the way I do, who gets me. Am I crazy? Am I wrong? Because... you're
important to me.

If you just aren't attracted to me... I could understand that. I know you can't choose who you want, you
can't control those feelings. The heart wants what the heart wants. If we could choose... then I could stop
wanting you. I know it doesn't work like that. So, if you just don't like me that way... but, you do, don't
you? You must. I mean, at least a little? You can't find me too repulsive, you're the one who kissed me...

Did I do something wrong? I mean, was I not... good? Was I too easy? Was I supposed to play hard to
get? I don't know how to be coy and play games. No one ever explained the rules to me. All I know how
to do is be honest. And you said that was something you loved about me.
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Is it... are you ashamed? Is that why you're pretending like it didn't happen? That's it, isn't it. You're
ashamed. Right. I mean, who wouldn't be ashamed to be with me? I'm Dogface. You can fuck Dogface
behind closed doors, but you can't introduce her to your friends. You can't bring her home to meet your
mom.

You said... you're not ready. Is anyone ever ready for their life to change? How do you expect to learn
anything? We'll make all kinds of stupid mistakes and feel like idiots and - welcome to the human
condition! Trial and error, it's the only way to learn. No one's ever ready.

You said... you don't want to get serious. But how am I supposed to act casual about something this
intense, this rare? You're the first person to see me - how can that not be a big deal? Look at me. How
many chances am I going to have in life? I think I could love you. I think you could have loved me.

And if I'm crazy, then I'm crazy. If I'm wrong, then, okay, I'm wrong. But if I'm right, and you're just too
chickenshit to deal with the possibility of something real and rare and dangerous and life-altering, then...
then I'm not even sure I would want to love someone so stupid!

(Beat.)

I think I finally understand why they say that you "lose" your virginity. I always thought that was a dumb
expression. It makes it sounded like your virginity was this special, sacred thing you were supposed to
guard with your life. When to me... the fact that I'd never had sex was like... a flashing neon sign saying,
"Ugly loser" hanging over my head. I was trying to "lose" it. Hell, for a couple of years there, I was trying
to throw it at anyone who gave me a second look.

But now, I mean... I do feel like I have lost something. Not my purity or innocence or any of that...
dogmatic bullshit. I've lost... the walls I built to protect myself from feeling... this. I've lost the ability to
distance myself from the rest of the lowly humans... my position of self-deprecating superiority that let
me live without hope for all those years...

I lost my isolation. I let you in. And I gave you the power to hurt me.

See, I want to be a cat. Because... most cats are very independent creatures. They can be domesticated,
but, for the most part, they don't really act like pets as much as they act like caged predators. They fend
for themselves. And sometimes, sometimes, when they want you to give them a little affection, they crawl
into your lap, and they purr, and they let you pet them, and love them. And then, after a little while, they
get sick of you, and they scratch you, and they jump up and they run away. Cats are fierce. Cats get what
they need from you, and then they just move on.

I'm not a cat. I'm a dog. Dogs are not independent. Dogs love you, pretty much unconditionally. They are
so loyal, it defies all logic. Dogs need you, and they let you know that they need you. They need you to
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love them. They cry when you leave in the morning, and they jump for joy when you come home at
night. They always want your attention. They can't get enough of your love.

I don't want to be a dog. But I am. I think I always will be.

The Piaggi Suite

By Diane Grant

"The Piaggi Suite" is a romantic comedy in which a monstrously self-absorbed and powerful diva visits a
legendary New England musicians' retreat that has seen better days. Dangling the prospects of celebrity
and success, she manipulates the collection of resident musicians as they struggle with the conflicts
between career and love, the dangers of ambition, the perils of success, the pain of loss, and the glory of
music. In this scene, Darlene, a seventeen year old composer, meets her hero, rock star Ziggy Martiin.

DARLENE

Ziggy Martin. Is it you? Is it really? I saw you with Dave Matthews. In Syracuse. It was the most beautiful
night of my entire life. Did you really sit in with Sting?

I was at the Black Hole when you were there. I'm mad about the Hole. It's the best club ever. I had this
song I wrote for you but they wouldn't let me go backstage. In November, two years ago. I was sitting
right in front, surrounded by an entourage of coffee cups. I'd had eight cups of coffee and I was high.

I don't drink alcohol anymore. I had this boyfriend, Gary, he's twenty one, and he does catering and we
used to finish off the booze at the end of parties. One night, we finished off four or five Daiquiris and then
we found a bottle with some gin in it. There were some Zimas but we didn't touch them. Gary said we
should avoid the Zimas. I was so sick, I kept throwing up and the next morning, all I could eat was a pint
of Ben and Jerry's.

He's not my boyfriend, anymore. He went out with my friend Gloria and then he dumped her, too.

Gary's a drummer, he just does catering for the money when he doesn't have a gig. He drums like God
but he's kind of stunned and I'm glad we broke up because I think you're the most exciting and most
creative man I've ever met.

I know you're into alternative pop-rock so the song I wrote for you is really retro. Do you want to hear it?
Really? Really?

(raps)
Listen to my history rant.
Gonna tell you about Adam Ant
Bad Religion, Alice in Chains
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Beck and Bjork and The Leaving Trains
Beastie Boys and Dead Kennedys
Talking Heads and Screaming Trees
Germ, Fear, Violent Femmes
Sisters of Mercy and R.E.M.
Devo and Rage Against the Machine
Pearl Jam, Garbage, Hole and Ween
Echo and The Bunnymen, Ministry
Flaming Lips and Fugazi
Pixies, Primus, Pere Ubu
(slowing down)
Jane's Addiction,
(slower)
X
(slows to stop)
U2.

Do you like it? Really? Really? (smothers a scream) This is the most beautiful day of my entire life.

Like We Wasn't People

By Chelsea Peluso

Jane is a fifteen-year-old girl who has been sent to live in a Residential Treatment Center for Mentally Ill
Teenagers. The monologue below is from Act One, Scene 4, in which Jane is being questioned by a
therapist.

JANE

I hate this shit. (Pause). No, I don't mean questions. I mean this whole damn place. (Pause). Yeah, I had
a bad day. No, I can't stop cursing. God, you guys are a bunch of fags, man. (Pause). No, not like "gay"
fags. Like lame asses. I just wanna get out of here, you know? (Imploring, manipulative) You could help
me right? You're harder on me than the staff in my cottage. That's okay, I guess I deserve it sometimes.
Maybe its good for me. But shouldn't I be rewarded sometimes, when I do good? (Pause). How? Like you
could sign my Level 2 papers, get me a later bed time, an extra phone call. If you sign, everyone else will,
because they look up to you. (Tone change) Yeah, I fought her at lunch, but that's because she was in my
face. It wasn't like I AWOL-ed up to route 25 like Ebony did last week. She came back in a stranger's car,
did you hear? That was fucked up. (Pause). No, I haven't seen my mom. Fucking social worker won't let
me have a visit with my brothers cuz they blamed me for them being in foster care or something. Fucking
lies. Mom doesn't believe me about her loverboy Rob, though. (Pause). That he forced me to, you know...
you fucking study my file in bed at night! You know! Whatever. She chose fucking him and now I'm stuck
here with these 12 year olds and I can't do anything. (Pause). Like normal things a 15 year old would do,
like go to the movies by myself. I don't want to be here till I'm 18. (Pause). Plan? Well, my sister lives in
North Carolina by this school, where you can, like, finish high school but get college credits too. I wanna
get out and live with her and go to that school. (Pause) No, she hasn't asked me yet. No, I haven't asked
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her yet. Whatever, I will, and she'll say 'sure, come' but you people still won't let me out. (Pause). Yeah,
my social worker says she's been looking into it for me. No, she's fucking useless, always on my ass about
the boys. (Pause). Like, 'don't talk to the boys, they're just trouble.' I'll fucking talk to who I like. I don't
want a disease, I ain't gonna be stupid. (Beat) So, here's a question: what do I have to do to fucking
leave? Break an Olympic swimming record? (Beat) No, I don't know, why don't you "enlighten" me?
(Beat) What am I doing right now? I'm pretty sure I'm wasting hours of my life that I'll never get back,
talking about bullshit. Yes, that is a problem. (Pause). I don't call my mom. No, I just don't. (Pause)
Pissed off. I hate this shit. (Gets up, leaves, slams door).

Like We Wasn't People

By Chelsea Peluso

Act Two, Scene 5. Jane has been placed in a hospital psychiatric ward after a girl at the RTC commits
suicide. Jane runs to the payphone in her pajamas, panicked, and calls her mother. It is the middle of the
night.

JANE

(Phone rings. Half-whispering) Mom! Mom, I know it's late, but... pick up, please? Mom? Okay, you're
probably sleeping for work. Okay. I'll just tell you over the phone. I'll just explain it. Yeah. I dreamt, I
dreamt about her. The girl... they must have told you. She was dead, dead like when she died. Slumped
in a corner, naked, full of... full of holes. Bloody holes, all over her body, with needles sticking out of
them. But her face, the eyes were open, and she looked at me like she saw right through me. So I called
to her, I said "Angela, it's Jane" and suddenly her face was full of metal. All these piercings, more than the
nose rings and ear holes she already had, appeared out of nowhere, blood trickling down her face... her
eyes were sharp, angry, and I heard this low grumbling, almost like that sound a cat makes when it's
about to hiss. Then I felt mist around my neck, and I knew, suddenly I knew, my head was... it was gone!
I looked down and my body was... leaking! These little rotten holes were worming into me, the needles
inching into my body. I tore at them and around my neck, I felt this mist, cool and kinda numbing. Then
suddenly I heard a "pop!" and the mist was my neck and I knew the feeling was just a ghost neck, like
amputees feel! (Grasping at her neck, as if trying to keep it from evaporating) I couldn't swallow! Her
eyes, holes forming in my face... choking, and the trickle of blood... and then... I wish you had taught me
songs when I was a kid. People sing songs to make things go away. I have no songs. All I see is her, and
her mean face! Her holes!! (Sobbing, Jane screams into the phone.) Her head!!!! (She sobs and sobs.) I
didn't know, I didn't know, I'm sorry... sorry...