Kissing Hanks Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a wellgroomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: John: Mary: Me: Hi! Im John, and this is Mary. Hi! Were here to invite you to come kiss Hanks ass with us. Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Whos Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass? If you kiss Hanks ass, Hell give you a million dollars; and if you dont, Hell kick the shit out of you. What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down? Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He cant until you kiss His ass. That doesnt make any sense. Why... Who are you to question Hanks gift? Dont you want a million dollars? Isnt it worth a little kiss on the ass? Well maybe, if its legit, but... Then come kiss Hanks ass with us. Do you kiss Hanks ass often? Oh yes, all the time... And has He given you a million dollars? Well no. You dont actually get the money until you leave town. So why dont you just leave town now? You cant leave until Hank tells you to, or you dont get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you. Do you know anyone who kissed Hanks ass, left town, and got the million dollars? My mother kissed Hanks ass for years. She left town last year, and Im sure she got the money.

Me: John: Me:

Havent you talked to her since then? Of course not, Hank doesnt allow it. So what makes you think Hell actually give you the money if youve never talked to anyone who got the money? Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe youll get a raise, maybe youll win a small lotto, maybe youll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street. Whats that got to do with Hank? Hank has certain connections. Im sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game. But its a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you dont kiss Hanks ass Hell kick the shit of you. Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him... No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank. Then how do you kiss His ass? Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karls ass, and he passes it on. Whos Karl? A friend of ours. Hes the one who taught us all about kissing Hanks ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times. And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you? Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Heres a copy; see for yourself.

Mary:

John:

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Jhuger
Rev. Jim Huber
Copyright 1996-2002 all rights reserved. Permission to duplicate for personal use. http://www.jhuger.com james@jhuger.com

Me: Mary:

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From the Desk of Karl

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
11.

Item 7 says Everything Hank says is right. Thats good enough for me! Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up. No way! Item 5 says Hank dictated this list himself. Besides, item 2 says Use alcohol in moderation, Item 4 says Eat right, and item 8 says Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too. But 9 says Dont use alcohol. which doesnt quite go with item 2, and 6 says The moon is made of green cheese, which is just plain wrong. Theres no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, youve never been to the moon, so you cant say for sure. Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock... But they dont know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese. Im not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow captured by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesnt make it cheese. Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right! We do? Of course we do, Item 7 says so. Youre saying Hanks always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. Thats circular logic, no different than saying Hanks right because He says Hes right.

John:

Me: John:

Now youre getting it! Its so rewarding to see someone come around to Hanks way of thinking. But...oh, never mind. Whats the deal with wieners? She blushes. Wieners, in buns, no condiments. Its Hanks way. Anything else is wrong. What if I dont have a bun? No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong. No relish? No Mustard? She looks positively stricken. Hes shouting. Theres no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong! So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question? Sticks her fingers in her ears. I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la. Thats disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that... Its good! I eat it all the time. She faints. He catches Mary. Well, if Id known you were one of those I wouldnt have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you Ill be there, counting my money and laughing. Ill kiss Hanks ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.

Kiss Hanks ass and Hell give you a million dollars when you leave town. Use alcohol in moderation. Kick the shit out of people who arent like you. Eat right. Hank dictated this list Himself. The moon is made of green cheese. Everything Hank says is right. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Dont use alcohol. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. Kiss Hanks ass or Hell kick the shit out of you.

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This appears to be written on Karls letterhead. Hank didnt have any paper. I have a hunch that if we checked wed find this is Karls handwriting. Of course, Hank dictated it. I thought you said no one gets to see Hank? Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people. I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because theyre different? Its what Hank wants, and Hanks always right. How do you figure that?

Me:

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With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

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