Building a Happy Home

Islamweb.net 14/03/2012

We all seek happiness, rest, stability, peace of mind and want to avoid the causes of misery, worry and disturbance -especially at home and within the family. This can only be achieved by believing in Allaah The Almighty alone, relying on Him, entrusting ones affairs to Him as well as utilizing all lawful means. Importance of establishing a family and infusing affection at home One of the most effective factors that influences individuals and the society is the righteousness of the family as Allaah The Almighty has made it a haven for humans, both males and females, where they can settle down and rest. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} [Quran 30:21] This verse indicates that both husband and wife find tranquility with each other at times of worry and find happiness at times of distress. Marriage is based on the companionship and closeness that emerges from mutual love and affection. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.} [Quran 2:187] Moreover, the marital home is the environment in which children are raised and this can only be achieved through an affectionate mother and a hardworking father. What other environment could be better than a good family atmosphere? Pillars of the Muslim family structure: There are many pillars upon which the Muslim family is based, which safeguard the family from disunity and separation: Believing in Allaah The Almighty and fearing Him The foremost and most important of these pillars is adhering to the most trustworthy handhold of faith: believing in Allaah The Almighty and the Hereafter and fearing Him as well as avoiding oppression or despotism. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allaah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allaah -- He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allaah -- then He is sufficient for him.} [Quran 65:2, 3] Faith increases by striving to worship Allaah The Almighty and obeying Him, especially when the husband and the wife continually advise each other to do so. The Prophet said in an authentic Hadeeth:May Allaah have mercy upon a man who gets up at night and prays, and awakens his wife; if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face. And may Allaah have mercy upon a woman who gets up at night and prays, and awakens her husband [to pray]; if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face. *Ahmad,An-Nasaai, Abu Daawood and Ibn Maajah+ *Ibn Khuzaymah, Al-Haakim and Ath-Thahabi: Saheeh] The relationship between the spouses is not just a worldly mateialistic relationship or a lustful one. On the contrary, it is an honorable, spiritual relationship and when this relationship is achieved, it lasts even after death, in the Hereafter. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {Gardens of perpetual residence; they will enter them with whoever were righteous among their fathers, their spouses and their descendants.} [Quran 13:23] Living in kindness: Living in kindness can only be achieved when each spouse knows his/her rights and duties. It is not wise to seek perfection for the household and its members, because perfection is impossible and unattainable for humans.

It is sensible to have realistic expectations and accept each others' shortcomings. A man, who is the head of his household, is required to be more patient than the woman, as he knows that she is physically and emotionally vulnerable by nature. If she is held accountable regarding every big and small matter, she will feel restricted and unable to achieve anything. Besides, exaggeration and over-zealousness in admonishing women in an attempt to rectify their affairs could lead to divorce. The Prophet said: Treat women gently, for a women is created from a rib, and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper portion; so, if you try to straighten it, it will break and if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women gently. *Al-Bukhaari and Muslim] Al-Haafith ibn Hajar said, This is advice to reform women gently without exaggeration or leaving them as they are. The criterion for this is that he should not allow her to commit sins or abandon an obligation, but he may leave her as she is with regard to lawful matters. A husband should not give free rein to feelings of distress regarding his wife, but he should disregard some of her shortcomings and remember her strengths, as he is sure to find many, if he is fair-minded. The Prophet said: A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another. *Muslim and Ahmad+ A husband should be patient in this regard as he does not know what is better for him. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means):{And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allaah makes therein much good.} [Quran 4:19] How can there be any affection or tranquility between the spouses if the husband is bad-tempered, narrow-minded, foolish, hasty, difficult to satisfy, easily angered, keeps reminding his wife of his favors when he comes and has ill thoughts of her when he is outside the house? Happiness and living in kindness can be achieved through leniency, avoiding bad conjectures and baseless illusions. Sometimes, jealousy leads some people to have negative thoughts and to suspect their spouse's behavior -- a matter that could potentially disrupt one's marital life and create discord without any sound proof. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And do not harm them in order to oppress them.} [Quran 65:6] The Prophet said: The best one among you is the one who treats his family well and I am the best one among you towards my family. *At-Tirmithi, Ad-Daarimi, Ibn Maajah, Ibn Hibbaan: Saheeh] The wifes role in maintaining the marital home and living with kindness A Muslim woman should know that happiness, affection and mercy can only be achieved when she preserves her chastity, adheres to her religion, knows her rights and does not exceed them, and obeys her husband as he is her protector and maintainer. A wife should fulfill her tasks efficiently, look after her home and take care of her appearance. This is what a righteous wife, kind mother, and responsible caretaker does at her husbands home, because she will be held accountable for her trust. The Prophet said:I was shown Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful. It was asked, Do they disbelieve in Allaah? (or are they ungrateful to Allaah?) He replied: They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (that she does not like), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you. *Al-Bukhaari, Muslim, An-Nasaai, Ahmad, Maalik+ Therefore, women should overlook and forgive their husbands shortcomings; they should not annoy them when they are present and should not betray them when they are absent. This is way to make love, affection and mercy prevail. The Prophet said:Any woman who dies while her husband is satisfied with her, will enter Paradise. *At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah] [Al-Haakim: Saheeh chain of narrators]

The Muslim Ummah (nation) should realize that happiness is achieved through living in harmony. This is the suitable atmosphere for raising children who enjoy the love of the mother and the kindness of the father without disputes, conflicts or abuse. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous."} [Quran 25:74] Reforming the family is the key to reforming society as a whole. Any society whose families are unstable can never be reformed. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And Allaah has made for you from yourselves mates and has made for you from your mates sons and grandchildren and has provided for you from the good things. Then in falsehood do they believe and in the favor of Allaah they disbelieve?} [Quran 16:72] The spouses and their strong relationship, and the parents and their children represent the present and the future of the Ummah (nation). Thus, when the devil manages to separate one family, he does not destroy just one family or perpetrate just limited evil, but harms the whole Ummah and the reality proves this. May Allaah have mercy upon a husband who is good-tempered, lenient, kind, gentle, merciful to his family, decisive, not over-demanding, and not irresponsible. May Allaah have mercy upon a wife who does not ask for too much, who is righteous, devoutly obedient, and who guards in her husband's absence what she has to guard. Allaah The Almighty Says:{Whoever fears Allaah - He Will Make for him of his matter ease}. [Quran 65:4] A happy home is a blessing from Allaah The Almighty: One of the greatest blessings from Allaah The Almighty is that the home is a safe haven and place for rest, where dwellers can enjoy mutual love and affection in an atmosphere of purity and protection. It is the home where children grow up, where solidarity is boosted and where souls and hearts grow close. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.} [Quran 2:187] It is in such homes, where there are close ties, that honorable traits are developed and where children grow into trustworthy men and well-mannered women. Some causes of marital conflict The reality of life and the nature of human beings, who are created by Allaah The Almighty, prove that some people are not guided by advice or experience any feelings of affection and tranquility, which makes it difficult to preserve the marital bond. A marriage, where one of the two spouses is this type of a partner, does not fulfill the objectives of marriage or provide the suitable atmosphere where righteous children can be brought up. Such cases of restlessness and disagreement may have internal or external causes. Sometimes the cause of this disagreement is the interference of the in-laws. Some parents interfere with the life of their married children which causes the spouses to go so far as to file lawsuits against each other. When this happens the couples secrets become known to everyone. All this may have been started by a trivial matter that was worsened by interference, hastiness, unwise actions, and by believing malicious lies. The problem may be caused by ignorance of the teachings of the religion and rules of the Shareeah (Islamic legislation); adhering to bad habits and adopting weak opinions. For instance, some husbands think that threatening their wives with divorce or professing it, is the right solution for solving marital conflict and family problems. Hence, he trivializes the issue of divorce without realizing that by doing so he is taking the verses of Allaah The Almighty lightly, is committing a sin, and is destroying his family. Is this how we should understand our religion? The method of divorce that the Shareeah has made lawful is not meant to cut the ties of the marital relation, but just stops or suspends it for a stage, for the sake of reconsideration and attempting to solve the problem. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means):{O Prophet, when you [Muslims] divorce women, divorce them for [the commencement of] their waiting period and keep count of the waiting period, and fear Allaah, your Lord. Do not turn them out of their [husbands'] houses, nor should they [themselves] leave [during that period] unless they are committing a clear

immorality. And those are the limits [set by] Allaah. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allaah has certainly wronged himself. You know not; perhaps Allaah will bring about after that a [different] matter. And when they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, either retain them according to acceptable terms or part with them according to acceptable terms. And bring to witness two just men from among you and establish the testimony for [the acceptance of] Allaah. That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allaah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allaah -- He will make for him a way out.} [Quran 65:1, 2]