Firsts Waking up is the hardest part, in Haiden Sales opinion. At least, for the past month it has been.

His usual soft comforter feels like sandpaper against his skin and the heat from the California inland sun is beating way too hot against his face. He doesn't want to open his eyes. Its one of those days and Haiden knows it when he tells himself he cant do it. Hes all too familiar with this feelinggrief. Can you really put a time on it? Does grief really, truly go away? Or does it stay, idling somewhere in your unconscious until you come across an object or place or person that triggers it? Does it stay hidden to torture the hell out of you when you least expect it? At this moment, Haiden is definitely siding with the latter. He hears footsteps in the hall and then a soft knock on his door before it opens. Honey, you have to get up now. Its his mom. He knows his moms voice better than anyone elsesexcept hers. School starts in 20 minutes. He doesn't answer and by the click of the door, he knows his mom leaves. School. How is that important anymore? She wont be going to school. She wont be sitting in her usual seat next to him in their music class. He hears her voice clearly in his head as he remembers her response to when he accused her of leaving him. Ill always be here silly, she said, her small, red lips curving into a smile. Haiden sighs and forces himself out of bed, trying desperately

to ignore the pain in his heart. This doesn't happen as often as it did the first week but when it comes out of nowhere, the squeezing pain is overwhelming. As much as he wants to not go to school, he knows he has to. Its obvious his moms worried about him and it doesn't fool him when his friends pretend to act like theyre not looking at him from the corner of their eyes. Then again, he cant blame them. He hasn't exactly been making it easy on them. Haiden walks down the hall to take a quick shower and as hes finishing up brushing his teeth, he catches his face in the mirror. As he does so, he grimaces. He looks like how he always doeshealthy and happy. Usual curly, damp hair sticking to the top of his head and cheeks flushed from the heat in the bathroom; the only way, in his opinion, to tell that hes been miserable is his eyes. His deep-set, dark green eyes are puffy and rimmed red. He needs to fix that. After he dresses up mindlessly, he heads downstairs and makes a right to enter the kitchen. He can hear the T.V. in the adjoining living room but he knows his mother isnt really watching it. Its more like shes waiting for something to happen, which is completely pointless. He isn't going to do anything irrational. Haiden picks a water bottle out of the fridge and heads out. Before the door closes, he hears his mother call to him but he

doesn't respond. As soon as the door shuts, though, he begins to feel bad. He really shouldn't take it out on his mom, or anyone else for that matter. It technically wasn't her fault Crystal isdead. And after a month, Haiden thought he had control over his mood swings. Apparently not, he thinks as the guilt joins in with the grief hes harboring in his chest. Making his way to school slowly, Haiden thinks about his dad. How his dad decided to work from home a month ago, even though hes been traveling for all 17 years of his life. Back then, it confused Haiden but he didn't put much thought into it. He never really puts much thought to things that arent as important to him in that moment. Thinking back, he really should have. It was odd for his father to suddenly move back, even his best friends told him that. If he had, maybe shed be alive A car honks and Haiden is momentarily brought back to reality. He gives the driver the finger before continuing his pace across the street. Usually, hed hold his hands up in apology and even hurry to get to the other side but not today. Today is a bad day, and Haiden isnt having it. You should be nice to people, she used to say whenever his temper got the best of him. One day youre going to be in that exact situation.

Crystal, youre just too nice. Youre so nice, youre considered a pushover, he told her and she just laughed. Haiden groans. Crystal. He shouldve listened to her; why hadnt he listened to her? She told him in full confidence that she thought his dad was creepy. He listened to everything else she told him and the one thing he decides to put aside is the one important fact that couldve possibly saved her life. Why did he do that? Its not like he and his father were close or anything and honestly, he always thought his dad looked at other people in a way that was, indeed, creepy. When both his father and Crystal disappeared, Haiden didn't think anything of it. He didn't think theyd be linked. At least, not until his mother told him the truth about his father. His father actually had a twin brother that goes by the name of Clay, whom he was really close to. When his mom and dad had been dating, his dad and Clay planned on creating a secret organization that would require gathering other pairs of twins and doing God knows what, according to Haidens mother. It turns out, however, that Haidens father didn't take the entire thing seriously, so when he told Clay that he was going to move to get a career and start a family, Clay wasn't happy at all. The two of them had a falling out and they parted ways from each other. Haidens mom and dad married, Haiden was born and

his mom said that, despite the constant letters and phone calls regarding Clays arrests and assaults, everything was going really well. That is, until Haiden reached the age of seven. Haidens mom went on to explain that his real father died in a car crash and she hadnt thought anything of it until Clay actually came to their doorstep while Haiden had been at school and told her he was behind it. Haiden can clearly remember how guilty his mom washow guilty she still is for keeping this from him. When Haiden probed for more, his mother told him that Clay threatened to kill the both of them if she said anything to anyone. Haidens hated himself since that moment and hes questioned himself over and over again. Crystal thought something was offwhy didn't he? The weekend after Crystal and his uncle, Clay, disappeared, they got a call at home. Some highway patrol found Clays body a few miles off their local mountainside. The coroner said Clay had third degree burns on his body but his face was recognizable. Even the coroner knew who he was. But it gave Haiden a strange hope. Maybe Crystal escaped! Maybe Crystal was still alive somewhere, staying hidden until she found the perfect opportunity to make it back home, make it back to him. Two search teams went out the very next day. Haiden remembers that all too well. He was out there, trying to be of some help, trying not to completely lose it as they searched the

mountainside and the surrounding perimeter. They searched for so long. Haiden was so desperate; hed actually been hoping they wouldn't find anything. He wouldve preferred never knowing, always wondering if she was alive than closure. But that wasn't the case. On the third day of searching, one of the search teams came across a burned car and one burned body near a place thats all too familiar to Haidenit was at the river below his and Crystals secret place. Haiden recognized what was left of the clothes all too well. He had the exact same orange striped shirt and jeans. They, he and Crystal, bought it together. Not only that but near the car, multiple friendship bracelets were found lying on the grass that Haiden clearly remembers giving Crystal. She never took them off. The funeral was held a week later, closed casket, and then everyone went on with his or her lives. Haiden tried. He went to the funeral but only managed to stay for the church before he left, fighting to find some kind of escape from reality, trying to find some way out of his Inland Empire hometown. Well leave this place. Promise. You and me, together. Well leave Californiano, the United States completely and well move to England! Crystal once told him. Haiden slowly pulls his attention back to the present as the excited chatter of teenagers begin to fill his head, giving

him another reason as to why he didn't want to come to school. He pretends to be immersed with his phone as he makes his way through the throng of excited cake-faced girls and try-hard guys. He avoids any eye contact with people he doesn't want to talk to and when he makes it to his locker without any confrontation at all, hes proud of himself. Why are you so quiet? Crystal asked him the first time they met. Haiden remembers their meeting as well as if it happened yesterday. It was a few months into their fourth grade year and theyd been desk partners since the beginning. And not once did Haiden say a word to Crystal. He remembers finding her very intimidating. She was always so blunt and to the point of things and Haiden actually felt scared of her. I didn't do anything to you. Hello? Oh my, youre not deaf are you? And then she quickly wrote down a greeting on a piece of paper and slid it over to him. Haiden remembers being so offended, he yelled at her. Im NOT deaf! Youre so stupid! All she did was laugh and from then on, she always made it a point to talk to him in which he never civilly answered her until a year later, when they were partnered up again. Haiden closes his locker door and jumps back in alarm when he sees Nigel and Lionel, his two best friends, standing there.

Haiden sighs and shakes his head. Jeez, he mutters. He turns away from them. You couldve said something. We like having the element of surprise, Nigel says, smiling. Automatically, Haiden thinks of Crystal again. I have the element of surprise! she used to say whenever Haiden tried to figure out what they were doing. Haiden forces a chuckle a little too late; he notices Nigels smile fading for a quick second. But then its back on his face as he continues with, Were meeting in the studio today. Teacher said so. Youre all right with that? Haiden fights himself to keep walking instead of stopping dead in his tracks and looking at Nigel as if he were mental. He knows that by doing it, Lionel would never leave him alone. Yea, thats fine, he answers instead, throwing in a head nod to assure them that he is, indeed, okay with it. They make their way to the room but the closer they get, the more Haiden regrets it. He shouldve said no; why didn't he say no? Why did he think he would be able to go into this room? Nigel and Lionel walk in first and Haiden hesitates. He listens stiffly as he hears Nigel and Lionels voices. Theyre happy, exchanging jokes with others in class and Haiden wills himself to hurry as his heart beats twice its normal speed. The longer he stays out here, the longer they notice hes not in there, the more concerned theyll be and Haiden knows it. He

exhales deeply and shakes his limbs, a habit he got from Crystal so long ago and when he feels a little less nervous, he enters the studio room and attempts a smile. Hey, he greets. Ah, Haiden! Finally man! What took you so long? a kid he recognizes as Xavier asks, smiling. Sorry. Woke up late. Haiden shrugs off his backpack and takes a seat nearest the door. I can do this, he tells himself, his heart still beating loudly. He can practically hear it over the noise in the room. Im fine. Sure, the studio room holds a lot of memories but that doesn't mean all of them are bad. On the contrary, theyre good. One memory Haiden is fond of is when he and Crystal just entered high school. He remembers that day clearly and for the first time, he smiles easily. They were both growing teenagers with a bunch of active hormones. They had been discussing what it must feel like to kiss someone. They read a lot about it in books, Crystal made sure he actually read, and theyve seen stuff in movies but they wanted to experience it. This classroom had been the only empty one. They snuck away during one of their breaks and, well, they kissed. Haiden bites his lip to stop himself from tearing up. The pain he had in his chest this morning is back and he has to fight to keep from curling over. She was his first kiss, and he was hers. Not only that, she was his first everything. They were

best friends and they were comfortable with each other. Whatever they wanted to try, they tried together. It didn't matter how silly or grown up it seemed at the time; whatever she wanted, Haiden went along with it. They never let each other try something alone. But now, shes left him behind. He cant take it anymore. He cant do it, any of it. Getting up quickly, Haiden mutters, Ill beback. Forgot todo something, and before his friends can do anything, he leaves. Haiden isnt worried that his friends will follow him, mainly because hes done this so many times in the past theyve learned to let him deal with it by himself. Hes out of the building and halfway across the parking lot by the time the bell rings. He doesn't turn back and he isnt going too. Hes done with everything. Haiden sprints to the secluded mountaintop that used to be a second home to both him and Crystal. The two of them found this spot when theyd been on one of their ridiculous adventures way back when. Don't tell anyone! Crystal said, her brown eyes shining with excitement. Its our secret place of secrets. Okay? They share plenty of secrets and memories here too but hed rather do it in a place where only he and Crystal knew about. He reaches it in 30 minutes. He stands at the top, looking down at the shallow river that runs through it, remembering the

burned car a little ways in the trees and he drops his backpack on the floor beside him. Hes going to do it. Hes made up his mind. If hes being completely honest with himself, he made up his mind the minute he knew Crystal was dead. He knows now that the reason he didn't act on it before was because he thought he could hold on for his family and friends. But he cant, and hes finally going to finish it. Glancing down at himself, Haiden is truly surprised to find that hes wearing the matching outfit that Crystal had been wearing when they found her. How fitting, he thinks. He feels at ease now. Heart filled with excitement, he smiles. Hes going to be with her again. Hes going to experience something she experienced already. And Haiden prays that she knows how sorry he is for not believing her. Haiden watches the rushing water crash into the rocks as it tries to reach its destination. Hes going to die. Hes going to take his own life and hes happy about it. His heart soars in his chest at the thought of never having to experience pain, of never having to think anymore. Haiden eagerly backs up until his heels are at the edge of the cliff. As he does so, he remembers the promise Crystal brought up to him six months before she died. If we don't find someone to marry by the age of 25, were marrying each other, she told him sternly. Why 25? he asked.

Because I want to have a kid by the time Im 28. I have my whole life planned out. You have your whole life to plan out your life, he told her and even nowespecially nowhe regrets it. He frowns, tears coming to his eyes. How easily her life was taken from her. But then he smiles again as the tears fall down his cheeks. She was the person he wanted to marry, hands down. She didn't need to try and convince him. He takes a deep breath. This is it. Haiden takes the last step back, arms spread open on either side of him. Haiden falls, his stomach shooting straight into his throat but he doesnt scream. Instead, he closes his eyes, wanting to remember Crystal the way he can the best. Her long, dark caramel hair that he always used to run his fingers through. Her smile that could easily brighten up his mood, and her eyes. He loved her oddly light brown eyes that always gave him the feeling that she could read his mind. Hes halfway now. Almost there, he thinks, rejoicing, the smile on his face plastered there as he continues to fall. Haiden begins thinking of the sky and how Crystal always loved looking at it, how she loved looking at the clouds and making picture with them. All clouds have a story, she used to say whenever they would lay up here together. Each one has its own history and they tell their story through the shapes they

make. And on and on shed go, pointing out and explaining the shapes shed see. Wanting to see it, the sky and its clouds before he no longer can, Haiden opens his eyes. And he sees her.