PSET 2.

Obstacles To Effective Listening

1. Knowing the answer: Often you think you know the answer and therefore cannot wait to let the speaker finish. This arises out of your impatience. Even worse, is telling the speaker that you disagree with him, before he has finished what he intended to say. This results in a heated discussion where no one hears the person out. This barrier also causes the listener to prejudge the speaker and reach a wrong conclusion. Remedy: Wait for a few seconds before the speaker finishes before replying. After giving the speaker time to finish and then waiting for a few seconds to speak, gives the impression that you have intently listened to the speaker, considered what he had to say with full seriousness and then put forward your views. Another strategy is to schedule a structured session where only one person speaks while the other person speaks. You can seek clarifications, but should not make any points of your own. Also keep your mind open during the conversation. 1. Trying to be helpful: Although it may look good to be of some help to the speaker, what actually happens is that it obstructs your listening, because you are thinking of how to solve the perceived problem of the speaker. Interrupting the speaker in order to offer advice disrupts the flow of conversation and impairs the listeners ability to understand the speakers experience. It also implies that you have already made some judgments about the speaker. Giving the speaker your undivided attention while listening is the purest act of love you can offer. Often thats all a person needs to solve the problems on his or her own. Remedy: Dont offer advice before the speaker has finished. Then schedule a separate session for it. Dont offer advice unless asked for. Schedule a separate session for giving advice after the speaker asks you or if you feel you know something which would be very valuable for him. Ask him if you can offer what you see as a possible solution. 2. Treating discussion as competition: Some people feel that agreeing with the speaker is a sign of weakness. Hence it is necessary to contest every point that the speaker makes. The discussion then degenerates into an argument, is a I win-you-lose situation. This inhibits the listener from being able to see a different point of view than his own. Remedy: Except in a very rare case where you truly disagree with absolutely everything the speaker is saying, you should avoid dismissing the speakers statements summarily.

Instead, affirm the points of agreement. Do show your agreement actively and be very specific about what you dont agree. 3. Trying to influence or impress: Since good listening depends on listening just for the sake of listening, any ulterior motive would diminish the effectiveness of the listener. A person who has an agenda other than simply to understand what the speaker is thinking and feeling will not be able to pay complete attention to the speaker, for he would be thinking about his next move in the conversation rather than concentrating on what is being said. Remedy: It is a difficult barrier to overcome and needs a high degree of self awareness. Motives cant usually be willed away. One has to make an effort to look at himself and as he becomes more aware of his motives, he can slowly get above them and start listening. 4. Reacting to red flag words: Red flag words are those that cause one to flare up or lose concentration because they have offended ones senses. They might trigger an unexpectedly strong association in the listeners mind, often because of his private beliefs or experiences. Sometimes the speaker may not have meant the word in the way that the listener understood, but a red flag will make any listener momentarily unable to hear with full attention. Remedy: One way to prevent this is for the listener to ask the speaker what he meant when he used the offensive or strong word. This would stop the conversation for a while but thereafter, the listener would become more attentive once gain. 5. Misunderstanding the language: Language is not an exact science. What one word may mean to someone may mean somewhat different to another. When we speak, we express through our words what we wish to convey. The choice of words is dependent on our vocabulary and our understanding of the words. They may however not mean exactly the same to the listener and could thereby cause confusion or mis-communication. Remedy: Whenever a listener is in doubt about the meaning, that the speaker wishes to convey, he should seek clarification from the speaker by repeating what he has understood. If he doesnt, he would keep thinking about it and then lose concentration and focus on what is being said subsequently. 6. Mixing up the forest and the trees: A common saying refers to an inability to see the forest from the trees. What it means is that sometimes a listener pays such close attention to detail, that he or she misses the overall meaning or context of a situation.

Remedy: The listener should explicitly ask for details or the overall context of the narration. Cross-verify by asking how the details fit into the overall scheme of things or ask open ended questions, instead of closed-ended ones. Openended questions give the speaker freedom to reply in the manner he wishes and enlarge on the issue that the listener may be doubtful about.