WOEFUL WORDS AND GETTING WORSER

In the dead of night, as the old grandfather clock began to strike the dying hour of four in the morning, an owl, most likely a common barn owl, screeched, a fox barked in the nearby woods, and Anne found, when she woke up in a cold sweat of terror, that the only sound she could make was a strangled, Urk!. The cat hair profusely covering Marions cardigan made her look like a frump, but as she generally focussed on the higher things in life, this fact rarely impinged on her consciousness; although focussing on anything these days was a bit difficult as her optometrist, for some obscure reason, was having trouble with her latest prescription. Kenneth knew that if he could only complete the full body-building course he had long since paid for, at considerable expense, he would finally succeed in capturing Belindas full attention and sweeping her off her feet; a prelude to a long and deliriously satisfying winter honeymoon in an army tent on the Yorkshire moors, for after all, there was nothing like being cold to make a woman want to stay warm and cosy! Ever since the arrival of the mysterious woman with the unpronounceable name and bright blue hair, crumpet eating mania had hit the small, isolated town of Wombats End, and this was a problem because they were fast running out of butter and honey which meant they would need to resort to smothering them with margarine and jam, but even worse, the local shop was running out of crumpets, so, ghastly thought, theyd soon have to make their own! With an eager sigh of delicious anticipation, Tobias Prendergast bit into the juicy flesh of a large portion of roasted wild boar, part of the feast prepared in honour of the election of the First Speaker of the land of Virkonia, but poor Tobias was soon in trouble for one of his molars immediately protested when he began chewing and he had no choice but to sit out the feast in misery, eating nothing; although at least he was able to get very drunk on boysenberry wine, which dulled the pain a little. Accidentally tangling its tongue in its toes, the blue tongued lizard managed to mumble, Mmmpphh, mrrrr, before rolling onto its back and attempting to use its back feet to undo the knotty problem, but instead, only managed to make things woefully worsesadlyalthough not for the nearby kookaburra, who laughed loudly after his fine feast. The story of how Geoffrey Abercrombie came to live in Van Diemens Land in 1824 began in the streets of London, Grosvenor Square to be precise, when he and another young lad, after exchanging vile insults, became involved in a bout of fisticuffs, which landed them before the magistrate, who felt he had no choice but to send young Geoffrey and his fellow pugilist to Hobart Town, where Geoffrey spent six months in vile servitude as a solicitors clerk, which left him marked for life. COPYRIGHT: Inge Meldgaard, 2012. Entry to 2013 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest