Chapter 7: Who am I in the Father?

Jesus, I invite you into this broken place within me (this wound, this memory). I give you total access to my heart. Come, Lord, shine your light here. Reveal to me all that is going on here. What is this about, Jesus? Come and show me, meet me here, in this place. (p.142 Waking the Dead by John Eldredge) This paragraph is from the chapter Deep Restoration. I pray this prayer, but my mind wonders to the fact that it is broken in so many places, in so many pieces that I wouldnt know which piece to invite Jesus to Come and Fix for me. The other evening I was just holding my heart out to Jesus, asking the Father to come and take the sum of the pieces and build from it a heart; THE heart, the heart He intended I should have. I had a totally different view of how this chapter would be, how it would start and how it would end. I had all the theory, and wanted to list my knowledge, as knowledge for you to use. This brings me back to another thought, one I wasnt sure where to use, but this seems the chapter to use it. It was a lesson Ive learned. But first I will share the teaching, before I share the lesson. I was taught that one should be careful of a leaders teachingor rather, better teachers are those who have learned from experience. So, if your teacher has not been broken and have not yet experienced Gods healing, then he is teaching hear say or rather knowledge and not experience. I upgraded my cell phone contract and received a phone with built in GPS navigation. Driving home from visiting close friends, I decided to test its navigational skills. I knew the road to travel, but wanted to see the shortest route it would pan out for me. It took me through the city some scary alleys, and through an industrial area. At one point of my journey, I was told to turn left and left again in 100m. This took me on a broken-up road strewn with potholes and broken bags filled with garbage. At the end of this road I was commanded to turn right. At this point in time I was furious. I wasnt just angry, I was spewing curses at this woman, taking me down a road which wasnt a road, to turn right where the tar, civilization and commonsense ended and fear and hesitation began. I turned around and at the first intersection I was told to turn left and then left againsame story, a copy of the previous broken road. Why am I listening to this thing? I started back, to find my way back, and decided to take the road I knew.

Constantly I was commanded to turn around or Turn left and left again or turn right at the traffic lights and right again. I ignored it. I was cursing this phone, it wasnt a blessing, it wasnt a help. Up until the battery died, she was telling me that I must turn around. Only after the battery died did I calmed down and started to think about what happened. I was being led by a navigational device which hasnt travelled the road it was telling me to go. We all have to be careful; leaders and followers together, we might lead where we havent gone ourselves or follow leaders who dont know the path. Fortunately for us, Jesus knows the Path, our Father knows our heart. He knows which piece of my heart to bind up, to make me whole. So many times, have I gone up for prayer for healing, release and acceptance! So many times have I heard the words of encouragement, just be Jeandre or just be yourself even just be who God made you to be. They didnt know nobody knew, how can you be someone (follow someone) if neither you nor them know who you are or where you/they are going? I would cry to God, begging Him to change me to make me the person He wants me to be to wash me clean and create a new heart in me to fix me to show me who I am, who I must be, how He sees me to show me another view of myself. But nothing. I asked my Father to show me how He sees me and this happened. Now you be the judge if I am reading into situations and perhaps being super spiritual, but as I said in a previous chapter I look for earthly experiences to deepen/enlighten my spiritual view. Ok, perhaps I didnt say it in this way, but I hinted to it. I woke up round 3am one morning this past week today is the 15th Jun 08, with something in my eye. I started to rub my eye, and after several minutes of pulling and yanking my eye lid and my face wet with tears, I stumbled to the bathroom to get some eye drops. I tried to put some eye drops in but only managed to hit my cheep and eye brow. Between all the tears, I wasnt sure if any eye drops actually went into my eye I hoped so. But it was still scratching. The irritation and pain was still there. When I closed my eyes as I was dead tired, my eyes would roll round my eye socked and scratch against my eye lid, thus, I had to open my eye. I would look left and when blinking it wouldnt be so sore, nor was it when I looked up and right. SO, I now had to try and sleep with my eyes closed, focused on looking up and left to not scratch, but each time I would drift away, my mind would relax, my eyes would turn forward and it would scratch, to the point I would wake up.

This happened once before to me, and I know like then, it would/should last only a day. So God, what am I to learn from this experience? Are you actually trying to teach me something? were some of the thoughts which went through my mind, as my eye scratched without an itch! I thought about it and the following came to mind. You are the apple of my eye. If you hurt then so do I. (Psa 17:8 ESV) Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings, Well, I knew how sore my eye was from a scratch, so I could imagine how much God must be hurting when my (your, our) heart is in pieces. Why then does it continue? When my eye was hurting I would/tried to do anything to fix the pain and suffering! Why does God not fix our pain and suffering, if it likewise causes Him Pain and Suffering? To be honest, I have walked a few yards down the road of healing, but have certainly not walked down that road far enough to guide you! I will however come back to this chapter, praying and hoping with a healed, whole heart. Until such time, there are some scriptures which has kept me spiritually sane and which I would use (not frequently enough) to ward off the enemy. We consist of 3 parts and these parts address our spiritual nature and situation Who we are in Christ. 1. We are born of imperishable seed Gods word, and thus also incorruptible. a. (1Pe 1:23 ESV) since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable,
through the living and abiding word of God; b. (1Jn 3:9 ESV) No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.

2. We are seated in Christ, nobody can dethrone Him, and thus nobody can dethrone us! a. (Eph 2:6 ESV) and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in
Christ Jesus,

3. We are conquerors in Jesus, for He conquered death and fear! a. (Rom 8:37 ESV) No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. b. (1Co 15:53 ESV) For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. c. (1Co 15:54 ESV) When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory."

d. (1Co 15:55 ESV) "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" e. (1Co 15:56 ESV) The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. f. (1Co 15:57 ESV) But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 4. We are free from guilt and condemnation! a. (1Jn 3:20 ESV) for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. b. (1Jn 3:21 ESV) Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; c. (Rom 8:1 ESV) There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 5. We have Peace and Life in the Spirit and Life in our Flesh! a. (Rom 8:6 ESV) To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. b. (Rom 8:11 ESV) If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.