I said I needed to talk you said you are done with this conversation.

So Ill talk to the cyber universe. Where no one is listening, but anyone could be. Riddle me this, cyber universe: how do you talk to a friend about something when they refuse to talk, yet in the same measure, they are doing all the talking? When their mouths keep moving or in todays day and age, the words keep appearing on screen but nothing is being said, no ground is gained in understanding. They are defending and deflecting. Diluting and dodging. And I am digging. I dont bring up the little this or the little that. I internalize it. I know there are many not in favor of this tactic, those that say, dont let it build up, but for me, I dont have the focus or energy to bring up everything that bothers me. Plus, I recognize that every thing that is bothering me will not always be legitimate or worth discussing and dissecting. It could just be me. Life is a give and take, where someone is always slightly ahead but it wavers so often that it isnt worth counting. Not for me, anyway. So I wait until it hits a breaking point where Ive had it. When I actually do bring up the need to talk something toward a resolution, Ive reached a point where action is necessary to move forward. And selfishly I think, well, if I need to talk about this, surely you will grant me that time, that energy to make sure I return to a balanced place where I can again give to you. Alas, I am wrong. Pushed aside and dismissed. Belittled, questioned and ridiculed. Thats actually the way things usually go these days. Whats up, asshole? is the way you greet me. Its just a joke, youd argue, have a sense of humor. Well, the funny thing is that I used to have a fantastic sense of humor, but its grown tired. Its had to field too many acceptances of fault, faux insults and alter personalities. I never know when Im fucking in or Im fucking out. You wait for the moment where you can call me out, call my bluff, expose a perceived lie or prove me wrong. Do you know what it feels like to know that your best friend is waiting to point out your shortcomings? It feels like that person is actually not a best friend but a frenemy. What are you trying to prove to me? Or yourself? You may chalk this one or that one up to taking a negative because you think you know me well enough to know whats traveling through my brain. But what youve failed to see if that Ive only broached a conversation because the negative side is feeling overly full and I love you enough to try to restore that balance before Im decidedly over it. And Im telling you, Im definitely overdrawn. I can only buy you or make you so many meals, give you so many back rubs, deliver on so many promises, bring you so many things, listen and help so many times and encourage so many actions before Im empty. In a balanced human relationship, you would be doing these things, too, so it wouldnt seem unfair. But you only say you will do them, or do them once in a while to lay a claim in defense of yourself in an argument. In reality, you act like Im a burden on your life. I wonder where I would land if I counted how many times a day you say you will do something that you will never do. Or worse that you ask me a person of action, not words to do something, only to change

your mind, having wasted my time. I cant start counting now, it already feels like too much. Plus its yet another waste of my time and Im trying to cut down on those. I need you to do more, promise less. The worst part to me is that you excuse your own behavior. All of it. You have a reason for everything and though we joke that for you its not you, its everyone else but truth be told, it aint a joke. You truly live in that space and its something that others can only take for so long. I dont perceive myself to bug you. I do call to say hi to my best friend for no reason (and in those cases dont ever care if you dont call back) but otherwise, dont contact you pointlessly. But you do make me feel as though I do. That is the message that unreturned texts, IMs and calls communicate; that I am not worth a response. Time spent physically with you is not time spent with you if you are not talking to me. If I wanted to watch someone sleep, or make them food and take care of them, or rub on them, I would get a cat. A pet. Not a friend. I honest-to-goodness do not care what your excuse is. You are forgetful, tired, Im not the only one etc. etc.blah blah blah yada yada yada. I. dont. care. Excuses get me no where, they dont show me that you understand or care. They show me that you want the conversation to be over sooner. Ive had so many excuses in my life and frankly, Im no longer accepting excuses. Its easier for me to pack it up and walk away. I will put up the wall, climb back into my shell and crab walk my merry tail on its way. Im over the one-way relationships that involve energy leaving me never to return again. Im sorry that you are not yet mature enough to treat me like Im important to you. Im certainly not asking for romance. Im asking for respect. And you have made it more than abundantly clear that you do not respect the Sleeus. Ill take my place in the back of the line. And I wont forget the path I took here, either.