COUCH POTATOES Second Draft by Chloe Hill

FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM Close up: A strange, green hand takes a crisp (McCannibals Flame Grilled) out of a bag and puts it greedily into his mouth. Very loud annoying, rustling and crunching sounds. Pull out to show SPUD and TATTY - an overweight, unattractive potato couple with short, stumpy legs with no shoes on, sprouts for hands and long googly eyes. The room is dark, illuminated by the light from a TV set. The potatoes sit, sinking into a blue couch, surrounded by empty boxes of snack food and drink, including McCainnibals Oven Chips. SPUD continues to crunch accompanied by TATTYS sugar drink slurping. Its obvious that the pair havent moved for hours. On the TV a bar and a bottle of soap are singing opera. TATTY turns to SPUD to express her latest insight. She speaks in their own mumbling, burping, indistinguishable language TATTY RURURUGAURCHOORURAH. BUH SPUD

They turn eagerly back to the screen. The soap opera has gotten to a tragic ending, the soap bar having decided to stab itself while the bottle cradles it and sings its final note. The programme ends. The next programme comes on: Hells Kitchen. The opening credits flash up, followed by a view of a kitchen. Dramatic music. COMMENTATOR And now. The continuation, of Hells Kitchen. This week the candidates must impress chef Ramsay with an English classic: Fish and Chips. TATTY and SPUD continue to look blankly at the screen. TATTY slurps. Back to the TV - The chef places some potatoes on the counter alongside a chopping board. He picks up a knife. Close up of the gleaming knife. He picks up a potato and chokes it. TATTY nudges SPUD worriedly.

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TATTY SPUDSPUD. BLEBLEO. SPUD hushes her and takes another crisp. The TV chef is ready to cut the top of the potato off. TATTY frantically elbows SPUD. GABBANANAN TATTY (CONTD)

SPUD starts to develop a distaste for the programme and casts a look of disdain. SPUD UHHHRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPFFFT He feels around for the remote, but cant find it. TATTY is increasingly frantic. DOBDOBGUB? SPUD (CONTD)

TATTYs eyes are glued to the screen with morbid curiosity. Absentmindedly she picks the remote up from beside her and passes it to him. SPUD (CONTD) (impatiently)

GUH.

Mr Celebrity TV chef is half way through sadistically chopping the potato. TATTY squeals a pig squeal. SPUD hammers away at the remote trying to change the channel. It isnt working and he gets more and more worked up. TATTY urgently prods and squeals at him only to frustrate him further. He stretches for an empty chip box and hurls it at the TV his throw is weak and it drops meagerly to the floor . He angrily scoops the rubbish around him, turning it into makeshift ammunition. The intent: stop the TV. TATTY whimpers into her cup. Taunting the couple, the TV chef skips towards a pan of boiling water with the potatoes. TATTY WHAAWHAA. NAA. She grabs at SPUD. SPUD sees no other solution than getting TATTY to switch the TV off herself. He gestures to this effect. SPUD YUBYUBYUBHO? YOMAN?

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TATTY retorts with an indignant look and snorts, shaking her head. SPUD sighs, worn out by his efforts. He reluctantly reaches behind the sofa and grabs a pristine broom - loosely prodding it in the direction of the off button. A pan of boiling oil is on screen. CHEF I NEED THIS *BLEEP*ING FOOD AND I NEED IT RIGHT NOW! The chef drains the potatoes and approaches the pan of oil. TATTY covers her eyes. Mortified, SPUD drops his broom, and desperately fumbles down the side of the sofa for his gun. BLAM! He fires a shot at the top of the TV. Success! The screen cuts out. The couple breathe a unanimous sigh of relief. The bullet ricochets off the TV into the depths of SPUDS stomach. He blows up into a pile of mashed potato. TATTY inspects the remote control. OH. TATTY

It has no batteries in it. Remaining unaffected by the corpse beside her, she digs out two batteries from the sofa cushion, hurriedly jams them in and takes the TV off standby. The familiar sound of opera returns. Close up: TATTY resumes her normal, hypnotic routine. She picks up her drink and slurps loudly.

FADE OUT.