Jackson Carl's Birth

Note: Jacob and I were each writing our own versions of Jacksons birth and I realized both versions were missing something. His was lacking a little detail and mine didnt adequately describe the emotions of the day. We decided to combine our stories so nothing is left out. My parts are the red text and Jacobs is blue.

I was pregnant with our baby boy and due November 23rd. I had a very easy pregnancy and really enjoyed ituntil the end. I felt like I was on the larger side throughout the entire pregnancy and my belly measured big at each doctor's appointment. In fact, the ultrasounds showed that he was going to be a big boy! At my 25 week ultrasound he was 7 lb. 1 oz. and they gave me an estimated "due date" of November 11th. That's almost two weeks earlier than my actual due date! I think because of all of that, I was pretty anxious the entire month of November. As November 23rd approached, both Jacob and I felt like the baby was never going to come. We were just so ready to meet him! Plus, I was very uncomfortable and so ready to not be pregnant anymore! First things need to be said first. I know that there are some strong women that will read this account; however, I have learned first-hand that I am married to the most mentally fortified and strongest women in the world, ever. So it all started on cold night in February, Gatlinburg I would say. Fast-forward nine months. The day, November 19, 2011, the time, 6:00 am. I was awakened from what I remember to be a very good sleep. I remember we had little planned that day except that Angela wanted to hang Christmas lights. That was fine by me, as long as I was able to sleep in. I had commented that I thought this would be one of the last days free for sleeping in, and I was well prepared to make it happen. Needless to say, I did not expect, or even contemplate the possibility that Angela might go a little early. Jacob and I went to bed on Friday, November 18th with plans of sleeping in on Saturday then putting up our Christmas decorations (they never did get put up!). I woke up a few times in the middle of the night with stomach cramps. They were very mild and didn't feel like what I thought contractions would feel like. I had so many different aches and pains that I didn't think anything of it. I actually thought it was because my sweat pants were too tight around my waist! Around 5 a.m. the cramps were becoming a little more uncomfortable and I decided to go lie on the couch and watch some TV until I could fall back asleep. At some point I realized that the cramps kept coming and going. Just out of curiosity I decided to use the contraction counter app on my phone to time them. I was shocked to see that after 3 "cramps", they were each about a minute long and about 7 minutes apart. I was trying to not get too excited since I still wasn't convinced these were contractions, but I decided to go wake Jacob up around 6. I went to our bedroom and laid down next to Jacob. I wasn't exactly sure what I should say to him. We had been waiting for this moment for months and I didn't want to get him excited if it was a false alarm. I tapped on his arm and told him I thought I might be having contractions. I have never seen him get out of bed so fast! He jumped up and started pulling things out of his closet and throwing them in our hospital bag (he hadn't packed yet!). I later asked him why he got out of bed so fast and he said he could tell by my voice that something was going on. Im jarred from my slumber with a fully pregnant woman in my face telling me that she had been having full-on, track able, and "go time" contractions since 5:00. I got up quickly but remembered from our Bradley classes that this stage could take a while, so I did my best to

remain calm. My mind was moving faster than ever. On the outside I try to portray a calm presence. I fail. My contractions were becoming a little more painful, but not too bad yet. Jacob jumped right in and knew exactly what he needed to do to help me. He was such a wonderful coach.I can't say that enough! Around 6:30 we decided to call Holly (our doula) to see what she thought. After talking to me on the phone she didn't think I was too far along since I was still able to carry on a conversation. She told me that it was supposed to be a beautiful day so Jacob and I should go for a walk and just enjoy our day together. We also went ahead and texted Allie (our photographer) and told her what was going on. She said she would get a sitter lined up for her little girl and head over to our house. I was nervous that it was a little premature and that this wasn't actually labor. We also texted our families and told them we didn't want to get anyone too excited, but we thought I might be having contractions. We told them we were going to stay at the house as long as possible and we would keep them updated. Angie and I had did our best to be prepared for what was ahead of us, but at that moment Im as scared as Ive ever been. Im afraid not only of the days to do list, but also for the prospect of being a father. That fear stays with me until Holly smacked it out of me, but we'll get to that. A significant amount of my time is spent following Angie around, looking at her, and waiting for her to contract. I'm doing my best to blend into the scenery until I'm needed. Things moved fast and although her contractions were several minutes apart it seemed like only seconds passed between them. I recall several contractions distinctly, although which contraction came before another I cannot be certain. I took out the video camera to document the momentous occasion. So some of the ladies reading this are probably thinking of what types of harm they could do to an individual that stuck a camera in their face between contractions. They are thinking of how long it would take to lock a man up in a sleeper hold and hold it long enough for him to black out. Angie was wonderful, and humored me in my endeavor. The tape ends with her saying"Okay it's time to put that up (wincing)". G has a contraction in the tub. Were in the bedroom opposite our bedroom. She has several contractions as shes getting ready. I had heard of ladies whom applied makeup in the early stages of labor so as to look presentable during childbirth, but had always been baffled by that seemingly insignificant consideration. However, as Angela applies her makeup it seems perfectly normal and logical. She looks amazing, even with the makeup. We track each contraction with an app on her phone. One minute long, five minutes apart. Were serenaded by Damien Rice as she relaxes through each contraction. Bronson looks on. Hes concerned for his mother, sweet boy. Jill Barrett will come to collect the dogs. Thank you. At this point we didn't know exactly what to do so we decided we should go ahead and get showered and ready for the day. I took a bath and of course shaved my legs, which is hard enough at 10 months pregnant, but even harder to do when dealing with contractions! It took us such a long time to do anything because I was having a contraction about every 5 minutes at this point. It didn't matter what Jacob was doing, as soon as I yelled "babe", he ran into the room and was right by my side to help me through each contraction. Just as I finished getting myself put together Allie arrived. She wasn't here long before I had another contraction. I was aware of her presence, it was a calming presence, but I had no idea she was taking pictures. She is very good at what she does! After I was all ready and my bag was packed for the hospital, I thought I better try to eat something while I could. Jacob made me some oatmeal and toast and I tried to get some of it down between contractions. At some point I had no interest in eating and needed to

concentrate more during each contraction. Even though I was in a little bit of pain and it was pretty obvious that there was some sort of pattern to my contractions, I was still in denial that I was actually in labor. I recall questioning whether this was really "active labor" and Allie said "Oh yeah it is. You are going to have this baby today." At that moment I realized this was really happening! After some more contractions we decided we better call Holly back. She said she would come over in a little bit. After I got off the phone with her I realized that "in a little bit" was a very relative term and I was hoping she wouldn't take too long. Our two dogs, Bronson and Bailey, were very confused by what was going on. Bronson was very concerned and I think he could tell something was wrong with me. Bailey just wanted to play. This wasn't working for me during contractions so Jacob called our awesome friend Jill, who puppy sits for us on occasion. Jill came over and picked up the boys and kept them for us for almost a week. What an amazing gift!! Theres a knock on the door, I have no pants on. I throw on my favorite jeans and am buttoning the fly as I open the door for our angel. Allie has arrived. G brings her up to speed. Were in our bedroom now. I estimate the time of her arrival at 8:40. At this point Angela is still uncertain of what all of these contractions mean. She communicates to Allie uncertainty that shes in labor or that shell be delivering Jackson as a result. Allie chuckles as she assures my wife, youre in labor, and youre going to meet your son today. I almost think Allies confirmation of the fixed course upon which we had been set, and the inevitable destination of that course, was the first time Angela had seriously considered that a fact rather than a possibility. I am overflowing with excitement but break from my preparation to chime in with some over exuberant, and potentially incoherent, recounting of the mornings events. Its back to packing. As we labor (the we throughout this writing should be read as meaning completely Angela, with me doing whatever possible to make her job easier), rational thoughts begin. I am acutely aware that I have no idea what Im doing, what I should do, or what lies ahead of us before we finally meet our son. I have only a textbook understanding and limited real world training of whats going down and how best for me to respond. I thank Ms. Holly and the Bradley Method for that preparation. Nevertheless, I feel helpless. We move to the family room on the first level. Angela is using a birth ball, standing, swaying, kneeling; trying to find whats comfortable. We continue tracking. Allie calls Holly and I catch enough of the conversation to hear Allie tell Holly the contraction duration and frequency. I gather that Holly does not yet feel the need to come to the house. This makes me nervous. I can tell this makes Angela nervous, but she has little time to show it. Angela is relaxed and fields contractions one after the other with not a word spoken of the pain or discomfort. Its only been three-ish hours that Ive been with her through this but already I see a strong woman. I thought I knew my wifes strength, hmm, little did I know. Angelas questions have shifted from, am I in labor to should we go to the hospital. Holly called back and said she was on her way. At this point the contractions were getting a little more intense, so I was very relieved to know she would be here soon. When Holly arrived, she just sat back and observed for awhile. She really didn't need to do anything because just her presence calmed me somehow. We started having the discussion about when we should head to the hospital. I was in pain during contractions but I didn't know how much worse it was going to get, so I didn't know when we needed to go. Allie suggested we go before I get too uncomfortable so that I wouldn't be completely miserable in the car. Plus, since we had a 20-30 minute drive to the hospital, I didn't want to wait too long. Holly asked if I had been drinking water and going to the bathroom frequently. I told her I hadn't been to the bathroom for quite a

while, so she suggested I try. While in the bathroom I had a contraction that was pretty intense. After this contraction I started feeling a little nauseous and shaky. I felt like it might be time to go and Holly and Allie agreed. It was around 10:00 am and Holly said a prayer with us before we headed to the cars. I dont hear anything, but when I turn around I see another of our angels. Holly has arrived. Its about 9:30. Were in good hands with Allie and Holly and I feel a weight lift. There is a span here that is a blur. Angela and Holly are in the upstairs hallway bathroom (I think), and Im collecting snacks for the hospital. The three of us have been helping G for a period of time, and the hospital discussion is ongoing. Im finishing preparations for the inevitable trip to the hospital. That is, Im praying its inevitable and that we dont do this thing on the couch. Im in the kitchen when Holly comes down and announces that were leaving for the hospital. At that moment I know I freaked out. I dont know what I said, how I moved, or what, but I know I went a little spastic. Holly grabs my face and asks me if Im ok to drive. Of course Im ok to drive I respond. She says what amounts to a verbal smack in the face, well pull it together because youve got to have a clear head today. I take a breath and from that point forward I am a new person, focused and intent. For me, this is the single best thing Holly did that day. Bags packed we huddle to pray. Were thankful, and ask for safe travel and strength. We roll. We had been communicating with parents throughout the morning so everyone was on notice that we were moving this shindig to the hospital. We hit SR7 and my strategy is moderate speed to reduce any discomfort Angela may experience. This will change. Were on the interstate now and Angelas discomfort is little affected by the road. That being the case, my right foot goes deep in the accelerator. As we drive down the interstate at an ever increasing rate of speed I am concerned that the others cant keep up. Who cares, they know the way. We pass everyone on I77 and SR50 from Marietta to Camden Clark. I think, these people have no idea of how awesome today is and whats about to happen. As I overtake each vehicle I have an urge to roll down the passenger side window, wave at the driver, and exclaim that my wife is in labor, shes doing great, and my son will be here today. I feel anxious. I think those drivers also feel anxious and I want to calm their nerves. Theyre not anxious, I am. They have no idea of the awesomeness that is taking place in my Passat. Im excited and anxious but I have no outlet, again I feel helpless as I drive. We arrive at the hospital safely, I thank the Lord. The pads Holly put under Angela as she climbed into the car at the house are dry. The car ride was pretty uncomfortable and it is a bit of a blur. I had several contractions on the way, but I dont really remember any of them. I couldn't wait to get out of the car! When we arrived at the hospital we weren't sure if we needed to go to the main entrance or the emergency room. We decided on the main entrance since it was in the middle of the day. When we walked inside we were greeted by Jacob's family. I was very surprised to see them! I guess when Jacob told them I was in labor they decided to head this way. We spoke to the receptionist and she had to call a nurse to come down and get us. We stood in the entrance to the hospital for what seemed like an eternity. I don't even know how many contractions I had while we were waiting. Jacob mentioned just going up to the maternity floor on our own, but I didn't want to rock the boat from the very beginning so I suggested we just wait on the nurse. After a few more contractions, Jacob insisted and I didn't fight him. We got on the elevator and headed to the second floor. We spoke to the security guard outside the maternity ward and he said we just missed the nurse who went down to get us. We had to wait on her to come back up and when she finally did she told me to have a seat in the wheelchair. The thought of sitting made me hurt so badly so I asked to walk back. They took me to a triage

room to examine me and determine how far along I was. The nurse said I was 6 cm dilated and they were going to go ahead and admit me. This was really happening! Were now at reception, time unknown. My family is there. Man its good to see them; Dad, Mom, Josh, and Danielle, all there. The receptionist asks for our name, Angie Oberlin, were preregistered. The receptionist notifies Labor and Delivery and tells us that someone is on their way. G has no fewer than two contractions as we wait before I ask, Where is our escort? Another contraction; no show on the escort. Im fuming by this point. Screw this!! Angela, come on, were going up, I growl. We pile into the elevator and Im happy were moving. Short pause at Security and were on to the promised land. My Mom came back to the triage room and I was very surprised to see her. She was so sweet and brought Jacob a coffee to help him get through the long day. The nurse came back to the triage room and told Holly that the doctor would like to speak to her. Since it was a Saturday our doctor (Dr. Irvin) would not be there. Instead the on call doctor (Dr. Casalenuovo or Dr. C) would be the one to deliver our baby. Dr. C told Holly that in order for our wishes to be granted she would need a copy of our birth plan signed by Dr. Irvin. We had our birth plan approved by Dr. Irvin, but we didn't get her signature on it. Luckily since we go to church with Dr. Irvin, Jacob was able to contact her and have her contact Dr. C to let her know our birth plan was approved. They did not have our birth plan on file like we thought they would and we didn't bring a copy with us. Jacob figured out a way to email the birth plan to my Mom and she ran home to print it off since she lives close to the hospital. This could have been very chaotic for me, but Jacob handled all of it without me realizing what was going on. After seeing the birth plan, Dr. C agreed to everything except she insisted I be given fluids through an IV. I knew I was going to have a needle in my arm (Dr. Irvin insisted on this just in case of an emergency), but I didn't want to be hooked up to an IV because I didn't want to be confined to the bed. Holly, Jacob, and I discussed it and we all agreed that it wasnt a big deal if this was the only thing we needed to give on because it would only be for a short amount of time. Were in a triage or check-in room when Angelas family arrives. Shes six centimeters dilated. Sweet, I think. It wont be long now. I was way off. Some things happen in that room but its not long before were settling into room 221, a labor and delivery room. There is a buzz of activity. There is much discussion about our birth plan and what routine procedures we have elected not to be a part of. Dr. Irvine is out so were working with the on-call doctor. I step out to clarify what will and will not be acceptable regarding specific hospital things and what we generally expect in terms of staff involvement. This goes well. The staff is open to our methods and very respectful of our preferences and wishes. We labor for several hours in peace, save the occasional fetal heart monitoring. They finally moved me to a delivery room and this is where everything gets a little blurry. The nurses had a lot of questions and paperwork for me to fill out, but thankfully Jacob was able to complete everything for me! Did I mention how great he was? But I did miss him so much while he was busy with all of this. My Mom and Holly stepped in while he was busy. The nurse came in to hook me up to the heart rate monitors. I only wanted to be monitored intermittently and I am so very thankful for that decision! Each contraction I had with the monitors hooked to my stomach was even more painful. After they were able to get an initial reading and determined everything was normal, they thankfully took the monitors off. After we got all settled in, we were able to get into some sort of rhythm. I had a contraction and Jacob would help me through it. Someone would give me a drink and I'd get ready for the next one. After a few of these I would get up and go to the bathroom and move around a little bit. It seemed like every time I got up someone else was in the room. At different points I saw both of

my sisters, my Mom, my Dad, and my mother-in-law (Pam). They were all very quiet and respectful, but probably in shock to see me in so much pain. I really didn't think I would want anyone in the room, but at that moment I really didn't care who came in. My Mom and one of my sisters stayed a bit to help me with some of the contractions. Angela experiences some back labor. We use tennis balls inside of a tub sock to alleviate the pressure. She walks, kneels, and sits on the birthing ball. Time ticks, and ticks, and ticks. Angela has labored for no less than five hours, and probably more with not a word spoken of pain or uncertainty. LITERALLY not a word! She hums and moans, but no words. I recall occasions as Im rubbing her back or holding her hand thinking that I have no concept of how she feels because she is in it. Shes in the pain. Shes with the pain, using it. Shes in the zone. Shes inside of herself. Shes zenning out. I remember being flat amazed during this time at the hospital prior to her water breaking at her strength and grace. I thought I knew my wifes strength. Little did I know. If I was able I would have liked to have simply watched her. Allow her to amaze and inspire me. Throughout her labor, Angela is a model of relaxation. She is self-controlled and works so hard to work with her contractions. I still feel helpless but I rub and console. She and I both know that I cant do the work for her. I want to do it for her. I want to make the pain stop. I want to take it. Why cant I be the one in pain? My heart breaks on this day over and over, for eleven hours. The most memorable moments are when were together and alone in the bathroom. We talk, work through contractions, and do the work necessary to meet our boy. At about 1 oclock the pace quickens and we can see a shift in the stage of labor, transition. At least thats what I thought. Actually, she had already gone through transition. Those of you that know transition know what that means. Suffice it to say that this is a tough stage involving some self-doubt. Angela would later tell me that she went through this stage internally and in her mind began to question her ability, but reasoned with herself that this is transition, she can do it, and not only that, it wont be long before she actually starts pushing this sweet thing out. My contractions seemed to be very close together and they were very intense. I was in my own little world and just concentrated on letting my body do what it was supposed to do. I tried to visualize what was happening to the baby and to my body. There were several contractions that were so intense all I could do was pray that God would help me through this. At some point I began to question whether I would be able to do this or not. As soon as I had that thought, I realized that was a really good sign! This self-doubt typically happens during transition, which is the most intense part of labor, but it's also the shortest part that happens when going from 8-10 cm and right before pushing begins. At some point the nurse came in and wanted to check my progress. She said I was now 8 cm dilated. I was both excited and scared at that point. My contractions seemed to be right on top of each other and I wasn't getting much relief in between. I went to the bathroom and during one of my contractions Jacob seemed a little nervous. I didn't know what was going on, but I was in too much pain to care. He leaned out of the bathroom and asked Holly to come in. As soon as she stepped in the bathroom and Jacob stepped out my water broke and made a pretty big mess (Jacob timed this perfectly!). I later felt horrible but again, I really didn't care because this relieved so much pressure! I was feeling pretty good! Unfortunately that only lasted for a few minutes then my contractions picked back up and were more painful than ever. The nurse came back in to check me and I was stuck at 9 cm. She said it felt like there was a lip that was holding the baby up. Holly suggested I roll over to my hands and knees for a few contractions to help the baby move down. I needed Jacob more than ever at this point. There were a few moments when I thought I was going to lose it,

but he kept me calm and helped me work through one contraction at a time. I honestly dont think I could have made it through this without his support.

I need to frame this next segment. Angela has gone through transition, has had a little bit of a breather, and is in the bathroom as I stand beside her. Some of you have an idea of what is coming I did not. I look under my wife to see some things happening that had never happened before. These things seemed foreign even considering our situation. I call for Holly to come. She does, and as I set out of the bathroom and allow Holly to pass, Angelas waters break. Holly is hit. I know this gave Angie some short-term relief because at this point she has come back to us, and were able to converse and laugh. This time doesnt last long before shes back in the zone, moving Jackson down to station -1 and beyond. The time that follows here is a blur until she gets to the more intense labor/pushing. The nurse came back in to check me and said I was finally at 10 cm! She said I could go ahead and start pushing whenever I got the urge. I kept working through the contractions and would every once in a while get a dull urge to push. I don't know how to explain it but it was a tightening in my abdomen so I just went with it and started to try pushing. I never did feel an overwhelming urge, but I wanted to get this baby out! At some point I started getting an overwhelming feeling that I needed to poop. For a long time I was nervous that would happen while I was pushing. I kept going to the bathroom and was hoping it happen then, but I wasn't allowed to push while I was sitting on the toilet. I was laying on my side pushing and finally decided I didn't care if I pooped, I just wanted to see my baby! I think that's when things finally started to progress. I was somewhat aware of the nurses bringing in equipment, but Dr. C told Jacob to let them know when I started pushing. They decided to wait until they could see the baby's head! Even after they came in the room I barely noticed them because they stood against the far wall and didn't say a word. They were really great about respecting our wishes and not interfering with anything. The memories of moments that have literally just become history seem hard to summon back for review. The clock and sequence of events seem to be non-existent. I remember that throughout that day I would look at the clock and occasionally comment on the time, but to me it meant nothing. Its hard to describe the feeling of looking at a clock, knowing that its supposed to mean something, being able to read the output, but having not one ounce of ability to discern how that number Im viewing impacts me. While I read the time I had no idea what time it was. Time drags on for what seems like days, but moves at almost an inconceivable pace all at once. Ok, enough about the clock. Rock. This was Angelas nickname when she jumped rope. She was strong, steady, consistent, and a foundation. Throughout this day she is Bedrock. Discomfort, pain, groaning overtakes her as her body works slow and hard to expel our son. I stay at her head for all but a few brief opportunities to see what is going on elsewhere down there. Im not squeamish. Not a bit. If asked prior I would have said that seeing the events unfold would have been cause for some knee-shaking and possibly some involuntary sack of potato impersonations. Im not bothered by it, and I dont stay up top to avoid the potential KO. G needs me up top, so up top is where I make my home. She rearranges herself frequently to find the most comfortable position. However all positions have one common thread, Angela is dug in. Shes dug into my back, my arms, my hands, all of it. Wow she is strong. My arms later shake and hands ache from whatever I had done to help. **Disclaimer** Im not comparing or complaining, only

painting a labor picture in watercolor because the vocab contained herein is limited and oils are messy and require paint thinner to remove from skin. I fight back tears as Angie verbalizes her discomfort in second stage. Prior to having a child a man will rarely, if ever, feel such helpless and heart break than while watching his wife deliver a child. I want so badly to stop her pain, but Im left with only one viable option, support her. Never mind that she doesnt need me to stop anything, this isnt something to be fixed and she is in control of her emotions and her mind. Shes working, and I need only to let her do her work. Throughout her 11 hour labor and delivery she is in tune and focused. She verbalizes discomfort throughout the day, but not in words, save once. Once, seriously??!! This will always blow my mind. After a several pushes they told me to reach down and feel the baby's head. I did and couldn't believe that was actually my baby! That helped me refocus and realize how close we were to meeting him! At one point Jacob asked if there was anything he could get me or anything I wanted. All I could think is "I want a baby!!!!" That's really all I cared about! After several more pushes Allie suggested I try a different position and recommended I try pushing on my hands and knees. I decided to try it since I didn't seem to be making much progress for some reason. I later found out that Jackson's heart rate was dropping during each contraction and Dr. C was getting a little nervous about it. She mentioned to Allie that I needed to get the baby out soon or she would need to intervene. I really appreciate Dr. C not intervening and I REALLY appreciate Allie just suggesting a new position and not telling me that there may be an issue! She was great! As soon as I rolled over to my hands and knees, Jackson's heart rate returned to normal! After a few more pushes he finally came out! Dr. C caught him and laid him on the end of the bed. I immediately rolled over so she could put him on my chest. However, in the excitement I must have pulled away from the baby too far and I somehow cut the umbilical cord! Fortunately the cord was cut right in the middle so both the baby and I were fine. I did feel bad because we had planned on waiting for the cord to stop pulsating before cutting it and of course Jacob was going to cut the cord. Angela is on her hand and knees when our man is delivered. The doctor has her roll quickly to her back and Jackson is lifted to her chest. The shock from this experience leaves as he arrives, and its all worth it. Words are grossly insufficient to describe what its like to be standing in that place, seeing those sights, being washed over with a quantity and variety of emotions never before held in this person all at once. They laid the baby on my chest and began to clean him off. He was just perfect! After a few minutes he began to do the breast crawl and successfully found my breast. That is so amazing to watch! They took him to weigh him (9 lb., 2 oz.) and measure him (they told us he was 24 in. long right after they measured him, but he actually ended up being 22 in.). After Jacob and I stared at him for a really long time we decided we wanted to name him Jackson Carl. We both fell in love with him that day. This was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was such a beautiful experience that I wouldn't trade it for the world. Jacob and I have so much more love and respect for each other and we have a healthy baby boy. I am so thankful that we were able to experience childbirth the way God intended. In a single day my life was incredibly altered and as I write this I still do not understand the extent of how awesome that alteration will be. I have more questions now than I did previously

because on the whole, I am not sure how to actually raise my son. However, I have been blessed with understanding that may answer any question I have about my boy. I understand better than ever how my God (as well as Pam and Steve) feels about me. I love Jackson just because. He did nothing to earn it, and can do nothing to lose it. God has this unconditional love for each of us, although Im sure it is of an exponentially higher amount. I think the difficulty will not be so much in loving and raising my boy to be a wonderful man, but in imparting understanding and appreciation of how his earthly dad and his Creator Dad love the fire out of him.