BEABOUTIT!

azine

Thisisanexperimentandatestofpatience. Ihopeyouenjoyit.

Conceived,written,formatted,andprintedin SanFrancisco,California. TsaritsaPublishing2010,AllRightsReserved. Plagiarismisillegalandforwankers.Don'tdoit,orelse!

aftershock
I'm a stranger in a strange land of corn flakes and boob jobs an ugly parade of proud flesh and fast food indulgences confessionals where greasy lips move, in circle jerks no one really gives a shit-- strutting with black eyes in dead air, dead inside people k e e p falling for it. with hands over my face, ticking clocklike, lips shaking I want out but I'm sinking slowly, unsettled and stuck on the fault braced. waiting for the siren to sound

love letter
sleeping in someone else's history pain pills in the medicine chest inscribed with her name, faded letters a pain in the stomach I've lived with for years

the taste of bile, i shudder reach for antacid take a spot in the queue

but to be the only-cloaked in breaths tumbleweeds of old photographs shake past tear my stockings

smiling, reminding that I've always been second-hand with smeared lip paint and sweaty wig hair

not fit for insurance and maybe he has buyer's regret it can't be worse than it was undeveloped, reaching, greasy fingernails to sort through piles of detritus

tilling a dead lot but her ghost follows, whispers against my neck You're one of many. resisting-- collecting cobwebs archiving the foul tastes

circadian
night and day, turning through rhythmically an aubade whispered in labored breaths and heavy accents hands finding hands under heaps and eyes frosted with sleep like crumbs of gold nature restores in cycles kisses and resuscitates while we watch internal films-then startled with a jolt and burning rays a reminder there is work to be done.

chatelaine
jaywalking in and out of your life, never checking the signals the keys to the kingdom sit in her lap pocket, resting hand protected crossed closed eyes, trusting two feet take turns in a pacing stomp noise brings security when hes away she twirls her chain in solace daydreaming to be tired where the walls slur their echoes, keeping their watch _ poems by Alexandra Naughton

surviving an ikea safari

Ikea may seem like an attractive and sensible answer to your problems with home decor, but without proper conditioning, this furniture behemoth can turn novice shoppers into gibbering shells of their former selves. Shopping at Ikea requires the planning and caution of a jungle safari, and one must fully equip themselves for the challenge in order to retain sanity and a decent credit rating. There are a number of variables to consider before committing to your Ikea experience. Budget limitations, room size, and vehicular constraints are all fine things to have in mind before setting out on the hunt. A two-door convertible won't have the moving capacity of a panel van, but Ikea's flatpack design does allow for some incredible feats. Still, you'll never move a mattress in a Miata, so firmly establish what large items you'll be shopping for, and determine if you can at least count on the help of a friend with a pickup truck. Customers without such foresight will find themselves stranded at checkout with no recourse but to use Ikea's expensive home-delivery service. Assuming you've already decided to take the plunge and start your Ikea experience, we'll forge ahead, hurdles and all. Upon entering an Ikea, customers are greeted, not by a friendly geriatric in a smock, but by an oblong, Lucite box containing awkwardly-sized pencils, paper measuring tapes, and maps of the store. Bury your pride and take one of each. If you somehow convinced other human beings to come with you, ensure they also have copies of the map. Synchronize watches and set a rendezvous point in case your party is separated. Throughout the store, you may notice disheveled people wandering in circles and weeping. These lost souls were customers once. Mind their example and keep your

group together whenever possible. Ikea's showroom is no place to get lost. With tools in hand, slowly approach the showroom floor. Take note of bathroom locations and emergency exit signs as you go. Also note the time of day, if possible. Like a Vegas casino, the Ikea showroom is designed to keep its patrons from ever realizing how much time has gone by. For customers without a wristwatch, the only indication of time will be the frequency of hunger pangs. Customers unable to find food before fainting from low blood sugar will be injected with lingonberry syrup and revived near the showroom entrance to encourage further shopping. It's a good idea to bring a snack. One look at a map of the showroom should indicate the gravity of the task ahead. If you entered the store with one purchase in mind, keep your eyes on your map and proceed directly to the area of interest. Distractions are everywhere in this colorful maze of home solutions, and entire families have been discovered nesting in Ikea's home models. If you're shopping to fill an entire room or house, heaven help you, it's wise to have reviewed an Ikea catalogue beforehand to avoid losing yourself in the litany of possibilities. Upon arriving in your area of interest, showroom specialists are available to demonstrate the correct pronunciations for the various Scandinavian words that you'll be forced to learn if you hope to buy anything. Don't be alarmed if it sounds like a salesman is choking on his tongue. He's probably just trying to interest you in a matching coffee table. If you like what you see, use the pencil remnant you found at the store's entrance to jot down the aisle and shelf numbers where you'll theoretically collect your items. This is crucial. Once you've identified all the differently shaped particle board you wish to buy, follow the current of moaning customers through the remaining mile of showroom to the Swedish Cafe. This buffet-style establishment serves a suspiciously

inexpensive breakfast, with some dishes selling for less than a dollar. The alluring prices serve to attract bargain-minded customers as well as assist in the disposal of human remains collected from around the store at the end of each day. Proceeding beyond the restaurant, novice customers often assume that their shopping ordeal is almost through. Instead, customers emerge into another maze of merchandise, this one glittering at every inch with stainless steel kitchen props and glassware. Window treatments, bed linens, bathroom accessories, and even hardware beckon from every shelf. Carpets dangle from the ceiling. Lamps jut from the walls in blind contempt for gravity. Eerily healthy plants sprout from pots in windowless rooms. The madness is brought to a frightful crescendo as customers approach Ikea's final affront to natural order: the warehouse. The warehouse is, without question, the most bewildering endeavor a human being will ever encounter. The forty stories of shelving, which tower on either side of customers as they enter the room, have been known to induce seizures in former astronauts. To avoid epileptic shock, keep your gaze at ground level. Retrieve a rusty dolly from its dock. The dolly has been generously provided by Ikea to make transporting your items comically difficult, as you navigate between mourning widows and packs of screaming children. Now's the time to consult your handy list of furniture coordinates, expressed by an aisle letter and shelf number. When you find the item you're looking for, look around in vain for help. Then, check with your employer to ensure your medical coverage is top-notch. Update your will and carefully scale the shelves until you reach your item. Wrestle the box forcefully from its perch, and use your body to break its fall. If you survive, embrace your family. If no family is available, embrace the forklift driver who watched your ordeal with zenlike indifference. Repeat as necessary.

Cart your items to the bank of registers near the exit. Delight in the faint scent of fresh air, and despair as you catch a glimpse of the outside world, which should resemble a harsh, dystopic future. First-time customers age an average of 30 years upon reaching the parking lot again. Your car will have appreciated in value. Your cashier will inevitably be a sunny mockery of the jaded curmudgeon you've become. Try not to lecture them about Ikea's cruelty. These innocent people are forbidden by contract of ever learning the truth about the showroom and its horrors. As you most likely have been in the store long enough for compound interest to dramatically affect your finances, payment is rarely an issue. Retain the receipt for your trophy case. You've earned it. Lastly, pile the cardboard slabs into your vehicle with the assistance of sober-looking Ikea employees. Breathe deeply and prepare now for the arduous chore of assembling your new furniture using instructions inspired by the drawings of M.C. Escher. _ by Christopher Okula

Illustration by Ben Raviv

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kitten centipede
Humans, by nature, are evil beings. This is why the Human Centipede was doomed from the start. Evil excretes evil, and the centipede soon dies. One cannot survive on evil. Kittens are perfect beings. Made from the purest form of love. Love never dies. Nor does the Kitten Centipede. _ by Megan Davis Illustration by Dennis Adams

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ask sugarpill

Dear Sugarpill, OK, so, yesterday I poured my orange juice in my little sippie cup that I bring to work with me. I ended up leaving it on my my kitchen counter. Is my Orange Juice safe to drink? It smells OK and it was the very last of my OJ and I really am addicted to this stuff. Your feedback on this is greatly appreciated. Thanks First off Id like to congratulate you for being such a pioneer. By what Ive read from your question you must be in the 3-5 year age group. You write like an adult, you have a job, AND your own kitchen? Like I said, a motherfu- Im sorry, I mean a flipping pioneer! Its almost like you are an adult, but the whole wittle sippie cup with the juice kind of clued me into your real identity. What can I say? Im really intuitive. Dont try to pull a fast one on me, junior. Where was I? Ah, yes. You have a problem. What you will be surprised to find out is that your orange juice left in a sippie cup all day isnt the problem here. Youll be fine if you drink it. Oranges dont grow in refrigerators. The real problem I think we should address is your addiction. I know. Its orange juice. Harmless, right? WRONG! Youre young. Everything you put on your blank slate will follow you around for the rest of your life. Imagine your life is a forest. No trails, no paths, nothing. Every time you walk the same way you create a little bit of a indent in the earth, the beginning of a path. You keep going down the path and depending on the same thing youll create a habit for yourself in the future. That path will be such a clear

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one that when you get older and the forest gets dark and scary itll be the only path you know. What happens when orange juice just isnt enough anymore? A little wine couldnt hurt. Then you start drinking wine in a sippie cup. You develop another addiction because you havent beaten other paths for yourself when you were young. All you know is the habit of drinking the same thing. Before you know it youre some weird adult who drinks heroine out of a sippie cup! Do you see what is going to happen to you? I know, youre like 5 and you just wanted to know if a little rancid orange juice would give you a tummy ache. No, but it will ruin your life, kid. Beat yourself a new path. Try apple juice.

Dear Sugarpill, What tricks are there to get your cat to eat? He is losing weight and he is becoming more finicky as he gets older. Thanks. --Rene Rene, Im sure youve tried changing your cats food to find something it likes. Cats can be such assholes sometimes. I wish I would know if it was an outdoor cat because if it was it could be possible that its getting plenty of nutrients from the hummingbirds its eating around the neighborhood. If not, well, Im afraid its time to take some drastic measures. Try a few of these mostly legal techniques to get that feline friend on the fat wagon:

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Threats. You may think your cat doesnt understand a single word you say but that isnt true at all. It just doesnt care. It is your master. You feed it. You clean its shit and puke. You give it affection when IT wants it. This creature does not cater to you. Maybe your cat decided to try a little catorexia on for size. You disagree. Does it care? No. It will, though if you threaten to cut off its tail in its sleep. If a cat is that vain that it tries catorexia it will not want to run around without a tail. The trick here is that the threat has to be real. Cats can sense your lies. If you throw out some pussy (ha!) threat it will know. You have to be really angry at your cat. Imagine your cat slept with your boyfriend, ate some of your special cheese, or threw up on your face in your sleep (again), anything to get those rage juices flowing. Then you scream. Scream at that cat. Make it fear. Of course it will pretend like it didnt hear you, but youll see. Food will start to disappear. Cat will get fat. Voila! Force-feeding. If you kind of suck at the whole yelling at your cat and threatening its life thing then maybe this one is for you. Take some cat food (or whatever you feed your cat) and put it in a blender with a little bit of room temperature water. Puree. Buy a mini-plunger. I figure they have these because they must make toilets for midgets. They would have to have plungers for when their little midget poops clog their little midget toilets. Anyway, midget plunger. I figure they make some kind of cat roofie, too. Buy a few of those and slip them into your cats water. I take it that it drinks assuming its still alive. If its dead that is probably why its not eating, by the way. Lets assume that your cat is alive though and go to the next step after you roofie your cat. (God, I love that last sentence.) Grab that pureed goodness and get to plunging. Plunge plunge plunge. Your cat wont feel a thing. In fact, it will wake up feeling like it just had the best meal of its life.

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After a few months of plunging your cat it will be on its way to obesity. Tuna. Alright, so youre not into making cat Foie Gras. Understandable. I used this trick for when my cat got sick of eating the same cardboard flavored food every day. Yes, Ive tasted it. Buy several cans of tuna in water. Drain the tuna water into a bowl and mix with its regular cat food. Mix some chunks of tuna in there, too, if you really want your cat to love you. Ive never seen a cat that this didnt work on. Before long you cat will be big enough for you to eat it. I have some great recipes for you. Heres to a future fat cat. Bon apptit.

Formorefungotowww.theTsaritsasez.comand http://thetsaritsa.tumblr.comandfeelfreetocontactmeat alexandra.naughton@gmail.comwithyourquestionsand submissions! OURNEXTISSUE:

Horror!!!!
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