Professional Documents
Culture Documents
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Fill in the genetic traits below. Then, evaluate your feelings about each one. Do you have positive, negative, or ambivalent feelings about
these? Do you believe that these traits add to or detract from your self-confidence and self-esteem? Why?
Exercise 2-3
Identifying Life Influencers: Genetic Traits
Trait Description
Positive Feelings
(Yes or No)
Negative Feelings
(Yes or No)
Ambivalent
Feelings (Yes or No)
Why?
Affects Self-confidence/
Esteem (Yes or No)
Intelligence
Talent #1
Talent #2
Gender
Race
Height
Body Type
Health
(Inherited)
Voice
Other
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Fill in the factors below. Then, evaluate your feelings about each. Do you have positive, negative, or mixed feelings about these? Do you believe that they
add to detract from your self-confidence and self-esteem? Why? (Note: Some influencers, such as sexual orientation, have a profound impact on our lives.
Yet, whether they derive from genetic or environmental factors is uncertain. To explore these influencers, use an Other category in Exercise 2-3 or 2-4, or
both. There are no right or wrong choices here.)
Exercise 2-4
Identifying Your Life Influencers: Cultural and Environmental Factors
Cultural/
Environmental Factors
Description
Positive Feelings
(Yes or No)
Negative Feelings
(Yes or No)
Ambivalent
Feelings (Yes or No)
Why?
Affects Self-confidence/
Esteem (Yes or No)
Birthplace/other places of
residence (such as urban, rural)
Dominant culture
(such as Latino, Celtic, Asian)
Language(s)
Religion
Education
Socio-economic status
(such as upper middle class)
Occupation (such as blue-collar,
professional)
Family structure and size (such as
nuclear, extended, one-parent)
Marital status
Lifestyle (such as family,
social, professional, spiritual)
childhoodexPeriences
The process of learning how to live and interact within ones culture and
family structure is called socialization. its a process that continues as events
and experiences shape our lives. Were at our most impressionable stage, how-
ever, during early childhood, within the boundaries of our homes and imme-
diate families. The care we receive is all that we know; we lack any comparison
with which to evaluate it and determine whether its good, bad, or in between.
By the time we move beyond our backyards and have other experiences, many
of our attitudes, behavior patterns, and perceptions have been formed.
Major events in early life profoundly shape adult attitudes and behavior.
Therefore, evaluating those events adds another layer of understanding in our
quest for self-knowledge (see exercise 2-5).
1.Use this exercise to identify four key milestones of your childhood, both positive and negative.
2.Number the milestones in order of the most influential (1 is highest) to the least influential.
3.Describe the insights this exploration reveals to you.
Exercise 2-5
Identifying Life Influencers: Key Milestones of Childhood
Positive Milestones Rank Negative Milestones Rank
Milestone 1: Milestone 1:
Milestone 2: Milestone 2:
Milestone 3: Milestone 3:
Milestone 4: Milestone 4:
PrOgress Begins WiTH seLf-AWAreness 21
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Exercise 2-5 continues on next page.
Each persons milestones will be unique. Consider this abbreviated example of Exercise 2-5 below.
The positive and negative milestones of this persons early childhood
successes, failures, and relationshipsno doubt had an influence on her later
approach to people and risk-taking. What about yours?
its important to explore the type of the care we received as children;
whether it was mostly positive or negative, or whether we appreciate, resent,
or have mixed feelings about it, this care incorporates the behavioral and com-
munication styles we often model in our adult relationships, to include those
at work. After all, thats what we know. even people who deplore the way they
were treated as children, and who vow never to treat anyone else that way,
often do because they follow the model to which they were expected to con-
form.
Besides parents and other family members, authority figures such as
teachers, spiritual leaders, coaches, and mentors also impact our world view.
When we explore their influence in our lives, we may find behavioral patterns,
communication styles, beliefs, and emotional responses that weve adopted as
our ownsometimes to our benefit and sometimes not (see exercise 2-6).
In the spaces below, list adjectives that describe the behavioral styles of the primary behavioral
models in your life. Were they affirming, controlling, loving, consistent, attentive, instructional, crit-
ical, punitive, inconsistent, encouraging, inspiring, autocratic, judgmental, forgiving, doting, tyran-
nical, sacrificing, positive, negative, etc.? List as many adjectives as apply, including ones not
listed here. Once youve done that, describe your reaction and insights.
Positive Milestones Rank Negative Milestones Rank
Milestone 1:
First plane flight. Trip to
Disney World with Grandpa
and Mom. (I was 6.) One of
the happiest times of my life.
3 Milestone 1:
Kindergarten teacher punished
me for something I didnt do.
Made me stand in the corner
and kept me in at recess.
I felt humiliated.
3
Milestone 2:
Second piano recital when I
was 8. Won award.
5 Milestone 2:
First piano recital when I
was 7. Froze and ran from
the stage.
5
Exercise 2-6
Identifying Your Life Influencers: Behavioral Models
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Exercise 2-5 continued from previous page.
Exercise 2-6 continues on next page.
Finally, write down the adjectives that best describe your behavioral style. What connection(s)
do you see between that style and the styles of your behavioral models?
(a) My mothers behavioral style:
(b) My fathers behavioral style:
(c) My caregivers behavioral style (if applicable):
(d) Other key role models behavioral style (identify role and describe):
(e) Other key role models behavioral style (identify role and describe):
(f) Reaction/Insights:
(g) My behavioral style:
PrOgress Begins WiTH seLf-AWAreness 23
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Exercise 2-6 continued from previous page.
the transference traP
understanding our influencers helps us recognize the degree to which we
carry childhood perceptions of the world into our adult lives. As weve dis-
cussed, a persons interactions are limited primarily to caregivers and the sur-
rounding community of relatives, teachers, and neighbors during our
formative years. We absorband usually adopttheir values and beliefs and
ways of interacting with others. Our behaviors and methods of communication
with others are often formed during those early years. As we grow up, our ac-
ceptance by others often depends on how well we adhere to their values and
standards. These values and standards form our ability to fit in with society
and get along as adults.
eventually, we meet, read about, become aware of, or work with people
from other backgrounds and cultures. if we assume that our values, beliefs,
and standards are superior, or if we judge their behaviors based on our stan-
dards, were engaging in what anthropologists call ethnocentric thinking. Were
transferring our values and standards to them. And when these people dont
measure up in terms of our values or standards, we assume that theres some-
thing wrong with these people. Transference is the root of the bias and prej-
udice that tears at relationshipsbetween individuals, groups, and
nationsand is the root of the im better than you attitude. When we are
assertive, we stand up for our values and standards while respecting the values
and standards of others. That last part, respecting the values and standards
of others, is often forgotten.
in his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. scott Peck writes about transfer-
ence from the psychiatric point of view, which he defines as that set of ways
of perceiving and responding to the world which is developed in childhood
and which is usually entirely appropriate to the childhood environment . . .
but which is inappropriately transferred into the adult environment (Peck,
are you puzzled by what to write in the final two sections of exercise
2-6? here are the responses of one person.
reaction/insights:
My role models tilt toward controlling, unaffirming, and
negative. Mother was loving and affirming, but timid. She did
not stand up for herself with Dad and Uncle Edor for me
and my brother and sister. Mr. Babson, our middle-school
science teacher, helped me gain some confidence, even though
girls werent encouraged to excel in science or math.
My behavioral style:
Controlling, timid, negative, honest, caring, demanding of
myself and others. I see a connection between my timidity and
my mothers timidity and between my fathers and uncles
controlling and demanding behavior.
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1978). Peck describes the difficulties of a bright computer technician who
moved from job to job throughout his career and whose wife had just left him.
As a child, the technicians parents promised him many things and then failed
to fulfill them, one after another. One year they actually forgot his birthday.
To avoid being disappointed, he learned to accept the reality of his parents
shortcomings and to distrust their promises. As an adult, he transferred this
parental distrust to a distrust of people in general, a transference that kept
him from having a close, loving relationship with his wife and successful in-
teractions at work.
While its important to examine the reality of our childhood experiences,
its equally important to avoid projecting that reality onto our adult interac-
tions. To be assertive, we need to respect each person as a unique individual
who has his or her own perceptions of the world and his or her own set of val-
ues, beliefs, and standards. We need to look at each persons behavior objec-
tively and each situation on its merits. in doing this, well keep our balance
and avoid the transference trap.
1. Write about some of the feelings and perceptions youve carried with you into adult life and
transferred onto someone else or onto people as a group.
2. If any of these feelings or perceptions are negative, identify at least one step you can take to
limit this transference in the future.
Think About It . . .
PrOgress Begins WiTH seLf-AWAreness 25
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Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the belief that we or others must be perfect or right all of the
time. Perfectionists base their identity and self-worth on being perfect. While
seeking perfection seems a noble goal, like transference, it gets in the way of
our interactions. seeking perfection is different from striving for excellence
in our work. Perfectionists have trouble accepting their own mistakes and the
mistakes of others. They play mistakes over and over in their minds, figura-
tively beating up themselves and others in the process. They set unreachable
goals, and then, fearful of falling short or of making mistakes, put off doing
the things they need to do to reach those goals. earthlings will colonize Mars
before perfectionists will take risks. That may be an exaggeration, but it strikes
at the truth because perfectionism involves more than a surface obsession with
mistakes and goals. it delves deep into the psyche at the level of self-esteem.
in the workplace, perfectionism can cause many problems:
A team spends too much time brainstorming the perfect solution to a prob-
lem.
A company delays launching its new product because the product lacks all
the bells and whistles even though consumers may only want the basics.
request action: Bill, we need to meet later this week to plan the spring
sales conference. How about friday morning, at 10 AM?
deliver information: This report contains the market research teams find-
ings on customer demand in the Twin Cities area.
Influence the reader: vera, I hope that you will agree with me that this is
the right time to implement a new human resource strategy. In our industry,
whoever has the best human capital owns the future.
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Think About It continued from previous page.
The purpose in each of these examples is clear, telling the reader that
the writer knows what he or she is about. There is no beating around the
bush, no apologizing, no mincing words. Thats assertive writing. so, before
you sit down to write your next message, answer this question: Whats my
purpose? Proceed from the answer.
Make Your Message Clear and Crisp
In most cases, youll want to confine your communication to a single topic.
limiting yourself reduces the chance of confusion or of the recipient reading
the first one and skipping the rest. This is particularly true of email. If you
have two separate issues to cover, make each the topic of a separate email. fo-
cusing on a single message will also give you an opportunity to be clear and
crisp. for our purposes crisp means :
getting the idea across in as few words as possible. Every modern writing
expert urges economy of words. unnecessary words and flowery phrases
bury your message and its impact, and detract from the assertive image you
hope to project.
using short, simple sentences. long, complex sentences confuse and slow
down readers, and as a result, reduce the impact of your message. If you
cant edit down your messages, break them into shorter, more digestible
pieces.
Consider the following piece of writing and how it could be made more
clear and crisp by implementing those two suggestions:
I am writing to each of you today to personally let you know that I
have received your suggestions for reducing our companys customer
service response time. My thanks to each of you for sending those
various suggestions. Be assured that I appreciate your submission of
those suggestions, and that I will endeavor to respond to them. Im
currently not sure when I will have my responses, but I can assure
you that it wont be too long.
Quite a mouthful, right? Heres one example of how to get the message
across in a more assertive way:
Thanks for submitting your suggestions for reducing our customer
response time. All are appreciated. Ill be back to you soon with my
responses.
The statement was reduced from 78 to 23 words. Which version is clearer
and more assertive and which will have a greater impact on the reader?
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Read the following message and then rewrite it with the objective of getting the same idea across
in fewer words:
Ive been thinking about when we should start planning the annual July 4th company
picnic. Sometime in May? June? Im not sure. Id be interested in hearing your thoughts
on when we should begin planning. Please let me know.
Then, read the following message and rewrite it with the objective of using short, simple sentences.
I am writing to inform you that last month the market research team (currently composed,
as you know, of myself, Tom Anderson, Brenda Goodall, and Silvia Gonzales) convened
in the R&D Center conference room to consider each of these two issues: lead user cus-
tomer attitudes toward our existing list of products, and how we might go about measur-
ing the responses of these lead user customer attitudes to prototypes developed by the
new product development team.
use the Most effective and Appropriate Mode
Many modes of communication are available to you. depending on the cir-
cumstance, you may be able to deliver a verbal, face-to-face message. We dis-
cussed this matter earlier in this chapter. face-to-face verbal communication
is fast and allows you to enhance your message with smiles, grimaces, finger
pointing, crossed arms, voice tone, and other nonverbal cues. As you will learn
later in this course, nonverbal communication generally makes a greater im-
pression on listeners than the words we use. verbal communication, either
face-to-face or via telephone, also has the advantage of being dynamic; the
other party can respond with questions or comments, so the two parties can
better close in on the topic or, conversely, take its discussion in some fruitful
new and unplanned direction. In contrast, written communication is more
like a one-way street.
on the other hand, written communication has some distinct advantages.
Exercise 3-4
A Clear and Crisp Message
BuIldIng Your AssErTIvEnEss 55
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The writer has time to think, plan, and rewrite the message. A trusted col-
league can be asked to read the message or letter and suggest alterations
and improvements.
Visual: What the receiver sees that is your body language, dress, etc.
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59
Which of these do you suppose has the greatest power? According to
Mehrabian, the vocal componenttone of voice and volume, for example
counts for 38 percent of a message perceived by the audience. The verbal
the actual wordscount for only 7 percent, while the visual portionposture,
facial expression, and dress, for examplecounts for 55 percent (Arredondo,
1991). Surprising, isnt it? other research reveals different percentages de-
pending on the setting of the communication. Nevertheless, those findings
underscore the importance of nonverbal communication to the effect of a
message. According to Mehrabian, if your nonverbal and verbal communica-
tion contradict each other, people will be more likely to believe the nonverbal
cues. In other words, the nonverbal message trumps peoples words. People
may also be confused by your verbal and nonverbal contradictions.
lets suggest that a friend at work asks if you would mind staying late to
help put together graphs for a report. You say, No, I dont mind at all, but
you rap on the table (knock on wood) and offer a tight-lipped smile. Your
words say that you dont mind, but your nonverbal cues send the message that
you do mind. An assertive person would not send these mixed messages; his
or her nonverbal communication would support his or her words. The verbal
and non-verbal communication would be aligned: I cant help you tonight
with these graphs because of another commitment, but I can pitch in early
tomorrow morning. How does that sound to you? All the while, the assertive
speaker is using facial and body language to indicate his or her interest and
support for what the other person is trying to accomplish: a smile, erect pos-
ture, eye contact, and a commanding tone of voice.
The last chapter gave you many examples of words and phrases you can
use to express feelings and state what you want in a direct and concise way.
The knowledge of how to frame your message should give you more confi-
dence in what youre about to saya confidence that your voice and body
language should reflect. Ideally, as you grow more assertive, each aspect of
communicationverbal, vocal, and visualwill progressively become better
aligned (Exhibit 4-1).
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xhibit 4-1
Alignment Between Communication Elements
Verbal
What You Say
Vocal
How You Say It
Visual
Body Language
Alignment
In this chapter, well assume that youre already getting better at framing
the verbal content of your messages and that your comfort level with using
more assertive language will help you improve your nonverbal communica-
tion skills. To get started, try your hand at Exercise 4-1. It will help you ob-
serve the difference in your voice and body language when you deliver
non-assertive, aggressive, and assertive statements.
1. Ask a friend to videotape you reading (or putting into your own words) the following state-
ments. Or, put the camera on a tripod and do your own recording. If you dont have access to
a video camera, capture your voice on an audio recorder while watching yourself in a mirror.
2. Record each statement, one after the other, in one take.
3. Then, play back the non-assertive and assertive statements in Example 1.
4. Write down what you observe about your voice and body language in the nonassertive and
assertive readings. Do you see a contrast? If so, what stands out? What does this say to
you about nonverbal communication?
5. Follow the same process for Examples 2 and 3.
Example 1
Nonassertive language:
Oh, excuse me, Doug, Im sorry to bother you when youre so busy, but, ah, I was won-
dering, and maybe this isnt okay, but I was wondering, you know, if I can talk with you
sometime about my vacation schedule? Is that possible?
Assertive language:
Doug, Id like to talk with you about my vacation schedule. Can we meet next week?
Your observations:
Example 2
Nonassertive language:
If you dont mindand this may or may not seem a bit arcane to youbut if youre open
to it, and hopefully you are, we might look at another approach to financing this phase,
if you will, of our expansion plan.
Exercise 4-1
Words into Action
ASSErTIVE NoNVErBAl CoMMuNICATIoN 61
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Exercise 4-1 continues on next page.
Assertive language:
I propose another approach to financing this phase of our expansion. I recommend that
we cap our debt financing at $150 million and delay new store openings in the southwest
region. Heres why . . . .
Your observations:
Example 3
Aggressive language:
There you go again, Tom. You never give us feedback on our reports until the last minute
and we always end up in a time bind. Were sick and tired of being the pawns in your
game, just so you can play hero to senior management.
Assertive language:
Tom, delaying feedback on our reports like this puts the entire team in a time bind, forc-
ing us to work nights and weekends. More timely feedback from you will solve that prob-
lem. Is there any reason that you cannot turn around our reports more quickly?
Your observations:
What did you observe about your reading of these three examples? from
a strictly verbal perspective, the passive, aggressive, and assertive aspects of
these quotes are fairly obvious. But what about the voice tone and body lan-
guage that went with them? Exhibit 4-2 lists some of the non-verbal cues gen-
erally associated with these three approaches to communication.
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Exercise 4-1 continued from previous page.
xhibit 4-2
Non-Verbal Cues
Passive Aggressive
Avoids eye contact Glaring eye contact; squinting
Shoulders hunched Leaning forward
Head down Head craned forward
Low voice Strong and unusually loud voice
Hands held in front in a defensive
posture
Pointing or jabbing forefinger at the
listener; or hands on hips; or arms
crossed in front
metacommunication: meaning beyond the words
Imagine this scenario. You set the alarm an hour-and-a-half earlier than
your usual wake-up time, so you can get to work ahead of your manager
and co-workers. You look forward to answering your email free of dis-
tractions and polishing the trip report on last weeks regional sales meet-
ing. When you arrive, youre surprised to run into the Vice President of
National Sales who says in a booming voice as she walks by, My, youre
off to an early start today. You mumble, Well, yes, I am. The V.P. strides
into her office. You unlock the door to your office and walk inside and
wonder, Now, what was that all about? Did your V.P. mean you never
come in early? Did she mean that youre trying to show her up? Did she
mean that shes impressed with your early arrival? You think about her
tone of voice, her facial expression, and other body language to give you
a clue.
The meaning youre trying to figure out in this situation is what com-
municators call metacommunication. Specifically, this is the intentional
or unintentional implied meaning of a message . . . [that] though not ex-
pressed in words, accompanies a message that is expressed in words
(Chaney and Martin, 2004). As we communicate with one another, we in-
terpret the implied meaning of others words, just as theyre interpreting
our words. This is another reasonand an important one at thatto be
precise and concrete in the words we choose. Yet, we arent always precise
and neither are other people, so we continue to interpret each others
voice and body language for meaning. understanding these vocal and vi-
sual cues can help us improve our interpretations.
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SixDimeNSioNS of NoNverbal
CommuNiCaTioN
In this section, well explore the dimensions of nonverbal communication to
help us extract the deeper meanings of messages. These dimensions are:
Body movement
Body contact
Eye contact
Interpersonal space
Silence
Paralanguage
Well present these dimensions first in terms of culture in the united
States and then, point out the similarities and differences with other cultures.
Although we wont be focusing on regional variations, its important to note
that in a country as ethnically diverse and large as the united States, regional
standards may also vary from the national norms. once you understand these
dimensions of nonverbal communication, well then present a section on how
you can use them to make your communications more assertive.
body movement
This dimension of nonverbal communication includes gestures, facial expres-
sions, posture, and other mannerisms (Chaney and Martin, 2004). for ex-
ample, facial expressions tell us about a persons mood, feelings, and attitudes.
Many are universal, such as smiles or frowns, laughter or cries. As people be-
come socialized, they learn how to control expressions to mask their emotions,
especially inappropriate ones. How do they do this? As Alberti and Emmons
explain, they become more aware of how the facial muscles feel in various
facial expressions. Then, they can begin to control their expressions and make
[them] congruent with what [theyre] thinking, feeling, or saying (Albert and
Emmons, 1995). The same holds true for gestures and body posture.
Whatever the words, most individuals in the united States view an active
and erect posture as assertive and a slouched posture as passive. Nervous and
erratic gestures indicate a lack of self-confidence. Thus, a persons gestures,
facial expressions, postures, stance, and other aspects of movement can either
enhance or confuse a verbal message. Effective communicators keep these two
forms of communication in alignment.
Keep in mind that some common gestures in the united States are in-
terpreted differently in other cultures. If you work with people from other
countries, take time to learn the basics of their body language and how to
present yourself nonverbally in a way that will avoid friction and misunder-
standing. Helpful resources include travel guides, online sources devoted to
international business and cross-cultural communication, and books, such as
Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands: How to Do Business in Sixty Countries by Terri Morrison,
Wayne A. Conaway, and george A. Borden.
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body Contact
In North America, a handshake, whether its firm or limp, is one of the most
important nonverbal messages we send. While the handshake is a common
and accepted form of touching, excessive touching may be perceived as sexual
harassment or aggressive behavior, while those who habitually shrink from
physical contact may be perceived as passive or defensive (fountain and
Arthur, 1990). By contrast, occasional touching of arms or shoulders, espe-
cially when its spontaneous and open, may be viewed as assertive (Ibid.). Any
time you going beyond a handshake, however, its important to follow the stan-
dards of your organization and profession.
In his book, Gestures, roger Axtell divides cultures into three categories:
dont touch, touch, and middle ground. He has categorized the united States,
Japan, Canada, England, Scandinavia, and other Northern European countries
as dont touch cultures. Touch cultures include latin American countries,
greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, russia, and some Asian countries. Middle
ground cultures include france, China, India, Ireland, Australia, and Middle
Eastern countries (Exhibit 4-3).
According to Axtell, both men and women in touch cultures may hold
hands or walk down the street arm in arm. In these cultures, same-sex touch-
ing is often the norm and does not indicate homosexual behavior. for example,
latin American men often greet each other with an affectionate embrace,
placing both hands on the others shoulders. In contrast, men in the Middle
East must avoid using the left hand in touching another person because the
left hand is considered unclean (Chaney and Martin, 2004). In Asia, its taboo
to touch someones head, because the head is considered sacred (Ibid.). Touch
is a very sensitive issue, and anyone who conducts business across borders and
across cultures must learn and observe the norms.
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xhibit 4-3
Touch and Non-Touch Cultures
Touch Middle Ground Non-Touch
Latin American countries
Mediterranean countries
(Greece, Italy, Spain,
Portugal)
Russia
Parts of Asian countries
China
India
Ireland
Australia
Middle Eastern countries
France
United States
Canada
Japan
Northern European
countries
England
Scandanavia
eye Contact
In the united States, Britain, Canada, and in Northern and Eastern Europe,
people expect direct eye contact with others, but not constant eye contact. for
them, staring at another person is considered aggressive while the lack of di-
rect eye contact as viewed as passive, if not trustworthy or showing a lack of
interest. By contrast, Asians, Eastern Indians, and American Indians view look-
ing down or indirectly as a way of showing respect. They consider direct eye
contact rude. Thus, the nature of someones eye contact tells us a lot about
his or her level of assertiveness, as long as we evaluate it within the proper
cultural context.
interpersonal Space
Is there a point at which another persons closeness to you makes you uncom-
fortable? Do you have a general sense of what distance from another person
is most appropriate? Most people do have this sense, and it governs how they
feel in certain situations. for instance, if someone steps too close to them, they
feel uncomfortable and want to back away.
In his seminal studies of cultural anthropology, Edward T. Hall catego-
rized the use of space into four categories: intimate, personal, social, and pub-
lic (Tuleja, 2005).
Intimate Space
Hall identified intimate space as 18 inches or less (Chaney and Martin, 2004).
Most Americans are uncomfortable being at this distance for any length in
time with a stranger or someone they dont know well, although theyll make
an exception when shaking hands (Chaney and Martin, 2004) and standing in
elevators (Tuleja, 2005). In the workplace, entering another persons intimate
space without permission is generally viewed as aggressive behavior. It makes
people inherently uncomfortable.
Personal Space
Hall identified personal space as 18 inches to four feet. In the workplace, peo-
ple use this space for giving instructions to others or working closely with
another person (Chaney and Martin, 2004). As Elizabeth Tuleja points out,
the business phrase arms-length relationship has its origins in the far phase
distance (see following paragraph). She explains that keeping this distance in
the workplace helps people maintain proper relationships and protects them
from being controlled or unduly influenced by others (Tuleja, 2005).
Social Space
Hall identified social space as four to twelve feet. In the world of work, this is
the distance within which people act impersonally and with formality. A busi-
ness meeting, for example, typically takes place within the four to twelve foot
social space. Tuleja writes that the near phase of social, which is four to seven
feet, is the range at which most business conversations and interactions are
conducted, while the far phase, eight to twelve feet, gives rise to transactions
that have a more formal tone (Tuleja, 2005). She points out that many or-
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ganizations in the united States place office furniture for senior managers
and executives in arrangements that support the eight to twelve feet principle
of far social space.
Public Distance
Hall identified public distance as over twelve feet. Communication and in-
teraction in this public space is less personal and qualitatively different than
what transpires at a closer distance. Can you imagine trying to communicate
with someone who is twenty-five feet away? Clearly, you would have to speak
very loudly and exaggerate your body language in order to communicate at
all, which is what people must do when they make a speech in a large hall.
given Halls four-part space system, how should you maneuver if youre
trying to be assertive? When interacting with others in the workplace, assertive
people choose a distance that is appropriate for the occasion and the nature
of the relationshipnot so close that they make others uncomfortable, yet
not so far away that they appear detached or excessively formal. If they must
be far awayas when giving a speech or presentationthey counter the ef-
fects of physical distance through forceful language, a powerful voice, and ex-
aggerated body language that can be seen and interpreted at a distance.
Silence
Silence is another dimension of nonverbal communication that can help you
with assertive communication. responding quickly to another persons com-
municationthat is, narrowing the gap of silencewill generally make you
appear more assertive than someone who pauses or stutters in a search for
words. That said, silence can also be used as an assertiveness tool. Consider
this example:
The aggressive boss was demanding a solution to a pressing problem
from his three direct reports. Yelling and waving his arms wildly, he
fixed his stare on Bill: So what can be done about this problem,
Bill? Bill remained calm and composed, and didnt say a word for
at least twenty seconds. The long silence made the boss uncomfort-
able but made Bill appear thoughtful and in control, as though he
already had the solution, but was choosing his words carefully.
Silence can also be used to indicate disapproval, as in response to a dis-
tasteful joke. It can also be used to draw out clarifying and revealing informa-
tion, because people generally feel awkward during long silences and rush to
fill the void. Consider this example:
Charlotte, the leader of a cross-functional team, was meeting with
the other team members. getting a handle on customer demand
for this new product appears to be slowing our progress, she ob-
served to the others. understanding customer demand is not a big
issue, responded Helen, a member of the team. The others all
looked at Helen in silence, as if asking, Well, what do you mean by
ASSErTIVE NoNVErBAl CoMMuNICATIoN 67
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that? Her, comment, after all, was counterintuitive and demanded
some explanation. After a moment of silence, Helen got their un-
stated message. Well, what I mean is that customer demand is a
question we can answer through traditional market research.
Experienced negotiators know the value of silence and use it to their ad-
vantage. As people develop their assertiveness skills, they learn when to deliver
a quick response during an interchange and when to resort to silence.
Paralanguage
Paralanguage involves all vocal aspects of messages beyond our words: voice
tone, speaking rate, inflection, volume, energy level, fluency, and so on. It in-
cludes vocalizations such as laughing and crying, attending sounds such as
uh-huh, and fillers (ums and uhs) (Chaney and Martin, 2004). Paralan-
guage reveals our attitudes toward ourselves and others and the situation at
hand. It also reveals the part of the world or the nation were from. It lets peo-
ple know if were angry, happy, impatient, stunned, or perplexed, among other
emotions.
As with the other dimensions of nonverbal communication, paralanguage
is culture-specific. In the united States, for example, we often characterize
people who speak overly loud as rude, boorish, or aggressive. People who
speak overly soft are often characterized as insecure or timidthat is,
unassertive. on the other hand, a loud speaker in an Arab nation is viewed as
demonstrating strength and sincerity. The pace of speech is another aspect of
paralanguage. People from Italy and Arab nations, for instance, usually speak
at a faster rate than do people in the central united States. What we might
interpret as anger or impatience in this rapid rate of speech is the norm for
their cultures. The same pace issue is observable within the united States;
compare, for example, the rapid clip of an urban New Yorker with the slow
drawl of a rural Kentuckian.
As you develop your nonverbal communication skills, use paralanguage
that conveys the message you want to send and the emotions you wish to re-
veal. Be equally attentive to the vocal cues of others.
Now that youre acquainted with the dimension of nonverbal communi-
cation, you are ready to move on to Exercise 4-2 on page 69, in which you are
asked to analyze the nonverbal communication of people you watch on a tel-
evision program of your choice and then categorize the communication as
passive, aggressive, or assertive.
PuTTiNgTogeTher The DimeNSioNS
for aSSerTive NoNverbal
CommuNiCaTioN(aNC)
The six dimensions of nonverbal communication described above are like
building blocks. If you put them together in appropriate ways, you will make
your nonverbal communications more assertive and effective. What follows
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Exercise 4-2
Evaluating the Nonverbal Dimensions
1. Record a television talk show on videotape or DVD. It may be a busi-
ness-oriented program, a political program, a self-help program, or any
other television program where people express ideas and interact.
2. Avoid watching the show while youre recording. (We suggest that you
leave the room so you dont overhear the conversation.)
3. Once youve recorded the program, rewind it to the beginning.
4. Then, press the mute button on your television set or remote control and
play back the program without sound.
5. Watch the program straight through without taking notes. (First impres-
sions are important.)
6. Then, replay the program and fill in a description of each nonverbal di-
mension, except the paralanguage category. You may stop and start, or
use the pause button to do this.
7. Once youve filled in the categories, determine if the nonverbal commu-
nication is passive (P), aggressive (Ag), or assertive (A) and place an
X or checkmark in the appropriate column.
8. Next, go back to the beginning of the program and replay it with the
sound on.
9. Fill in the paralanguage category and determine if the speaking style
(not the content of the message) is passive, aggressive, or assertive.
10. Finally, listen to the content of each speakers message (what the
speaker says) to evaluate if the speakers verbal and nonverbal commu-
nication are in sync. Fill in the Observations/Comments section of the
worksheet.
Nonverbal
Dimensions
Speaker #1 P Ag A Speaker #2 P Ag A Speaker #3 P Ag A
Body
movement
Body contact
Eye contact
Interpersonal
space
Silence
Paralanguage
Observations/Comments:
is a list of actions you can take to make your assertive nonverbal communica-
tion, or ANC, an effective habit. Before you attempt this, take a moment to
scan Exhibit 4-4, which lists many of the body language behaviors you will
experience in the workplace, and what they usually mean.
make Proper use of Space
How you use space and the degree to which you respect the space of others
sends a message about your assertiveness. for the most part, you should not
invade someones intimate space except for a handshake or a platonic hug,
and the latter only given to people you know well. Your use of the other types
of spacepersonal, social, or professionalshould appropriately match the
occasion and relationship. for example, its appropriate to enter personal space
when training an employee to do a physical task, helping a customer put on
an overcoat, or helping team members edit a report. on the other hand, doing
the same thing at a professional networking event or meeting with represen-
tatives of another company would probably be inappropriate.
Always be alert to how others respond to your movement in space. Even
when youre properly within the boundaries of a particular space, if the other
person steps back from you, do not pursue. That person might require more
distance than you are giving him or her. If you step forward as the other person
steps back, you risk coming across as aggressive rather than assertive.
Now, lets turn the tables. If someone crosses over your line of comfort,
step back. You have a right to your personal space and to define how large or
small it is. By stepping back or moving to the other side of a counter or desk,
you maintain a proper distance. Be aware, though, that this action may come
across as passive, especially to someone who is aggressive or who comes from
an aggressive culture. Alternatively, stand your ground and put your hands on
your hips, which indicates that youre holding the line.
maintain a Professional appearance
A professional appearance contributes to assertive nonverbal communication
(ANC). In the united States, appearance is one of the three most important
nonverbal messages you send. The other two are your handshake and eye con-
tact. Appearance involves dress, hairstyle, grooming, and such things as
makeup and jewelry.
Assertive people dress appropriately for their work and organization. or-
dinarily, that means either business formal or business casual attire. Account-
ing firms and financial companies, for example, traditionally require the more
formal wear of dark business suits, while the entertainment and advertising
industries lean toward the casual. Whatever your work environment, invest
in quality clothing that matches the current style. Clothing should have a
proper fit and be kept clean and pressed; shoes should be polished. If your
work requires a uniform, wear and maintain the uniform according to your
organizations standard.
Your hairstyle is another important aspect of your professional appear-
ance. Choose a hairstyle that has a clean-cut look and enhances the positive
features of your face. Always keep your hair combed and washed. If you color
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your hair, use subtle tones.
finally, wear tasteful makeup and jewelry if its appropriate for your gen-
der and profession. Avoid heavy eye makeup, dangling earrings, and flashy
rings that jingle and glitter and distract from your message. remember, your
appearance is one of the most important nonverbal communicators. It affects
the way people size you up and respond to you, which in turn affects your
self-esteem.
give a firm handshake
The third component of assertive nonverbal communication or ANC is a firm
handshake. A firm handshake is part of the greeting ritual in the united States
and in many other nations and its quality sends a strong message about your
ASSErTIVE NoNVErBAl CoMMuNICATIoN 71
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Source: Perry McIntosh and Richard Luecke. Interpersonal Communication Skills in the Workplace.
(New York: American Management Association, 2008).
xhibit 4-4
Body Language and What It Says to Others
Body Language Meaning
Crossing the arms across the chest Often a defensive or nervous posture, but
sometimes nothing more than a comfortable
position
Touching or scratching the mouth or cheek Nervous; anxious
Breaking eye contact from the speaker Possible sign of either disinterest or
disagreement with what is being said
Fiddling with something, even when
maintaining eye contact with speaker
Possible disinterest
Head tilt while listening Possible boredom
Looking away from the listener while speaking Speaker may be lying or hiding something
Nervous head movements Anxiety
Smiling with the mouth, but not with the eyes Submission to the other person
Staring and holding eye contact for a long
time, perhaps with eye squinting
Possible aggression
Stepping abnormally close to the other person Aggression; dominance
self-confidence to the people whose hands you shake. To shake someones
hand, grasp his or her hand firmly with your right hand, and pump slightly
once or twice while you make direct eye contact. Avoid wildly pumping the
hand, greeting the person with a weak or soft handshake, using a crushing
grasp, or placing your left hand on the persons arm while you shake (except
when you know the person well).
Your hand should also be dry and warm to the touch. If you tend to per-
spire a lot when youre nervous, dry your hands before you meet someone. If
your hands are chronically cold to the touch, warm them up by rubbing them
together or on your clothing. (of course, do this only if youre out of the per-
sons line of sight or before you enter the room.) A weak, sweaty, or cold hand-
shake can get in the way of making a strong first impression. So practice your
handshake with friends and co-workers you trust. use their feedback to hone
this greeting ritual.
use Direct eye Contact
In addition to having a professional appearance and a firm handshake, use di-
rect eye contact to engage others. look the other person in the eye for several
seconds or for a period of time that feels natural and comfortable to you. Then,
break away briefly and re-engage. However, avoid constant, piercing eye con-
tact because that makes people feel uncomfortable.
Direct eye contact combined with direct language is a powerful combi-
nation that will make you come across as a straight-forward, confident, no-
nonsense personthe kind of individual other people are more apt to pay
attention to and whose ideas theyre more likely to accept.
Eye Contact and Shyness
If youre so shy that you find direct eye contact difficult, challenge yourself
to recall the eye color of the people you meet and talk with during the day.
To accomplish this, you must look into their eyes. This trick may help you
get past your shyness.
Eye Contact in a Small Group
In the workplace, its common to talk with two or three people in meetings, in
hallway conversations, at lunch, and in other situations. When youre in a small
group, make direct eye contact with everyone. Avoid favoring one person with
most or all of your attention. If you do, the others may feel slighted, perhaps re-
sentful. It makes sense if youre talking in a group to have longer and more fre-
quent eye contact with your boss. After all, this shows respect for his or her
position and is appropriately assertive, but dont do this at the neglect of others.
Eye Contact with a Large Group
If youre speaking to a large group of people, make direct eye contact with
individuals or sections of your audience instead of looking over their heads
or toward the back of the room. look into the eyes of one person (or address
a group of people) for two to three seconds, then move on until you have in-
cluded all areas of the room. once youve done that, move in the other direc-
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tion from person to person (or from small section to small section). This lends
smoothness and flow to your eye contact and makes a personal connection
with the audience. It takes time and practice to learn how to do this while giv-
ing a presentation. once youve mastered this technique, your audience will
be more receptive both to you and to what you have to say.
Distracting Eye Movements
Certain eye movements can get in the way of your message and assertiveness,
and its best to avoid them. for example, excessive blinking can make you ap-
pear nervous or insecure. rolling your eyes will make you seem dismissive or
contemptuous. If you shift your eyes, you may look like youre lying and are
therefore, untrustworthy.
use good Posture
Many of us remember our parents and teachers grumbling at us about our
poor posture during our adolescent years; theyd scold: Stand up straight.
Pull your shoulders back. Tuck in your stomach. And they were right. good
posture counts as it affects how people think of us. When you practice good
posture, you look confident and centered as you stand, sit, and walk.
When You Stand
Standing up straight goes right to the core of a good posture. Keep your shoul-
ders back and down, and your chest out. Tuck in your stomach. Balance your
stance by putting your weight equally on both feet. (Bending your knees a bit
will help you do this.) In profile, your body should form a straight, vertical
line from head to toe. It should look natural and relaxed.
Here are some things to avoid when you stand: Avoid hunching or round-
ing your shoulders, shifting your weight from foot to foot, standing with your
ankles crossed, scratching your leg with your foot, dancing around, pacing
back and forth, leaning against the wall or table, and so on. These actions por-
tray you as nervous and insecure.
In addition, avoid standing with a rigid posture as people may view you
as tense and aggressive. By the same token, avoid standing with your chin
tilted up as you talk with others. They may see you as arrogant and imperious.
Practice your stance in front of a full-length mirror. Take a look at yourself
facing forward and in profile, and adjust your posture accordingly.
When You Sit
good sitting posture also conveys self-confidence. Sit up straight with your
hips back in the chair and your feet flat on the floor. You may put one leg in
front of the other for a natural look. Hold your hands in your lap, face down
on your thighs, or comfortably on a table.
Here are some things to avoid when you sit: Avoid slouching in your
chair, sitting on the edge of your chair, shifting or rocking in your chair, lean-
ing toward one side or the other, gripping the arms of the chair, and swiveling
the chair. These actions make you look insecure. Avoid crossing your arms as
this defensive posture puts a barrier between yourself and the other person.
ASSErTIVE NoNVErBAl CoMMuNICATIoN 73
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In addition, avoid crossing your legs or ankles, because this comes across as
too casual for a business setting, and even rude. And by all means, avoid cross-
ing your leg at the knee and shaking your foot. This comes across as too casual,
and others may view you as extremely nervous or impatient. finally, avoid
sitting in a rigid posture, which suggests that you are tense and inflexible.
As with your stance, practice your sitting posture in front of a full-length
mirror. You might try this with different types of chairsa regular chair, an
armchair, a swivel chair, and a stool, for example. (If its a tall stool, rest your
feet on the ledge.) Watch yourself facing the mirror and in profile and then,
adjust your posture.
When You Walk
When you walk, use a natural gait, your shoulders back, and your chin straight.
As you move by other people, pass them on the right, while staying your
course. Avoid stepping aside if someone moves toward you in your path. Thats
passive behavior that will make you appear weak. You have a right to stand
your ground. on the other hand, you may decide to move out of the way be-
cause you want to be polite and thats important to you. This is your choice
to make. The advice is different for an aggressive person trying to become
more assertive. Avoid moving into other peoples paths as they approach them.
Instead, stick to your own path, and dont encroach on those of others.
As with standing and sitting, practice your walk in front of a full-length mir-
ror. You can also practice by looking at your reflection in store windows. This
will give you a profile of your walking posturea good perspective to have.
Purposeful gestures
To gesture with purpose means moving your arms and hands in natural, well-
coordinated motions that suitably reinforce the words and meaning of your
message. Theyre not halfhearted or tentative. You commit to each movement
completely, yet you do this more or less unconsciously. To put it another way,
gestures flow from your message. If you try to plan your gestures ahead of
time or think too much about them as you speak, you may become self-con-
scious. And once you become self-conscious, your gestures become unnatural,
stilted, or uncoordinated.
gestures should be proportionate to the space. Thus, if youre in a large
room, such as an auditorium, use broader and more sweeping gestures than
you would in a small room. otherwise, they will not be noticed. And avoid
the following, as they can make you appear uncomfortable or insecure, com-
bative or aggressive:
overuse of gestures
Tapping on the table, desk, or podium, playing with objects like pens and
paperclips, or jingling things in your pocket, like keys
Pounding on the table or podium, gesturing with your fists, or pointing your
finger at people
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As with posture, try practicing gestures in front of a full-length mirror.
Think of something you want to say to someone at work and then say it aloud.
Watch your posture and gestures, and evaluate how your message comes
across. repeat the message but adjust your gestures. Then move on to another
message, perhaps one thats more emotional or difficult to convey. Working
with a mirror gives you immediate feedback on your body language. It will
help you develop purposeful gestures that look natural and that reinforce what
you want to say.
Control Your facial expressions
facial expression is probably the most powerful form of nonverbal commu-
nication. It tells us if people are happy, angry, curious, fearful, and so forth.
And were generally more trusting of what facial expressions tell us than of
spoken words.
Your expressions should match the content of your message and the situ-
ation at hand. They should also respond appropriately to someone elses mes-
sage. To do this, you need to know when to smile, frown, laugh, and so on. You
need to know when to have an open expression and when to hide your feelings.
You need to know how to control your expressions without looking robotic.
Controlling your expressions is especially important during negotiations and
performance reviews, and when you have to discipline an employeeor con-
verselywhen youre being reviewed or receiving negative feedback.
To become more assertive in your facial expressions, avoid:
Biting or wetting your lips; both make you come across as nervous and
scared.
Pursing your lips and flaring your nostrils; both signal anger and aggres-
sion.
Mumbling or slurring your words; these make you come across as careless,
shy, or intimidated.
Do not stress the wrong words in sentences or the wrong syllables in words.
It makes you sound uncoordinated and out of sync with your message.
Avoid a monotone voice; that is, a voice that lacks pitch variation. It will
make you come across as uninvolved and disinterested.
Avoid raising your pitch at the end of a sentence thats not a question.
Some people do this when they want to be collaborative and consider-
ate. If you want to send that nonverbal message, go ahead. But be aware
that your listener may view you as tentative.
Exercise 4-3
Putting the Components of Assertive Nonverbal Communication Together
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Exercise 4-3 continues on next page.
6. Next, go back to the beginning of the tape and replay it with the sound on.
7. Fill in the Effective vocal delivery category and determine if your speaking style (not the
content of your message) is passive, aggressive, or assertive.
8. Then, listen to what you say (your content) to evaluate if your verbal and nonverbal commu-
nication are in sync.
As a final step in this exercise, complete the sections below.
Sit-Down
Discussion
Description of Behaviors P Ag A
Use of space
I appear to be within the proper
boundaries here.
Professional
appearance
Eye contact
Posture
Im slouching.
Purposeful
gestures
Controlled facial
expressions
Effective vocal
delivery
a. Resonance
b. Volume
c. Energy
d. Tone
e. Speaking rate
f. Fluency
g. Enunciation
h. Inflection
Observations/Comments:
What I will do to improve:
ASSErTIVE NoNVErBAl CoMMuNICATIoN 81
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Exercise 4-3 continued from previous page.
a NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN
JourNal
Much can be learned by keeping a journal in which you record daily examples
of nonverbal communication. Journal-keeping forces a person to reflect on things
that happened during the day. You probably dont have the time or interest to do
this every day, but try doing one day of each week for a month. Select any day
of the week to make your entry, for example on Tuesdays, then visit your journal
at the end of each Tuesday in each of the next four or five weeks. reflect back
on the encounters you had during the day to determine if you:
Add to other peoples ideas, such as We could take sarahs good idea a step
further by . . . .
state your opinions or express a contrary view, along with supporting ar-
guments, such as I disagree. In fact, we should do just the opposite. And
heres why . . . .
use (but dont overuse) I statements: ray, Im concerned about the ea-
gerness to sign this contract. The bid seems off-target. XYZ has a reputation
for lowballing estimates and then billing for cost overruns. so, can we agree
to put out more rfPs?
What if we ____________________________________________?
expressing disagreement can create conflict, which is why so many peo-
ple avoid taking issue with their boss or co-workers. Conflict can be emotional,
create stress, and may create a contest that a person could lose. Nevertheless,
a certain level of conflict is necessary if organizations (and individuals) aim
to stay sharp. The use of non-judgmental and disagreeing statements like the
ones youve just read can keep conflict at a healthy level.
action #4: be your own best Champion
The fourth action step for gaining positive visibility is to be your own best
champion. That means standing up for yourself and what matters to you and
not waiting for others to speak up in your behalf. This action differs from form-
ing alliances in pursuit of common goals or enlisting the help of others to get
a project done. even when you have allies, you need to stand up for yourself
when the issue is about you. Consider this example:
Harold is upset that his manager routinely assigns the departments
most interesting and important projects to a particular co-worker
instead of to him. That co-worker has less experience and time with
the company than Harold. rather than confront his boss, however,
Harold privately shares his frustrations with his closest friends in
the department.
since few things remain private in organizations, the manager eventually
hears about Harolds complaints. If this matters so much to Harold, she won-
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ders, why hasnt he spoken to me about it? The manager begins to think of
Harold as weak, lacking in confidence, even untrustworthyhardly traits that
will inspire her to give him an important project.
How could Harold have handled this matter in a more assertive manner?
Harold could have requested a meeting with the manager, during which he
would describe his concern. He could have pointed out the tasks he had been
performing and their results. He could have described the value that his skills
and experience contribute to the department and company. equally important,
he could have emphasized his interest in taking on new challenges and greater
responsibility. Ideally, Harold would have ended by asking, Im interested in
more challenging assignments. What do I have to do to get them? That kind of
frank talk would put the ball in the managers court. she would have to either
give him the next plum assignment or have a very good reason for not doing so.
In any case, she would surely think of Harold differently: as an assertive person
with serious interests and requirements whom she should take more seriously.
Note that Harold didnt mention the co-worker who was getting all of
the good assignments. Instead, he talked about his own strengths and value.
An aggressive person, in contrast, would likely oversell himself or herself,
compare his or her skills and value to the other employee, and create unpro-
ductive tension between himself or herself and the boss. Theres a thin line
between an appropriate and inappropriate ways of being your own best cham-
pion. Be careful not to cross it.
action #5: Handle Compliments with grace
What do you do when someone pays you a compliment? Do you brush it aside,
act embarrassed and say, Its nothing. Jamie did most of the work. or, It
wasnt a big deal.? Or worse, Well, I didnt land the Allgood account. so,
hold back on the congratulations.
The fifth action step for gaining positive visibility is to handle compli-
ments with grace. Assertive people know how to do this; passive and aggressive
tip: on being Frank
The Middle english term frank is often defined as being forthright and
open in expressing ones feeling or thoughts. Candid is one of its syn-
onyms. Though we havent used the term until now, frankness is a quality
we find in assertive people. When assertive people think that someones
being unfair (say, in giving out desirable assignments), they tell that per-
son. When an assertive supervisor notices someone doing sloppy work,
she wont mince words in calling attention to the problem: Bill, this work
isnt up to our standards. Whats the problem?
Many people dance around the truth when confronting others on
difficult issuesafraid to offend or fearful of generating conflict. As-
sertive people speak frankly and openly about what they see as a problem.
They lay it all out in the open where it can be analyzed and discussed ob-
jectively. In this way, they contribute to solving the problem. If you want
to be assertive, start being open and frank with people in the workplace.
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people often dont. A passive person may feel undeserving (which goes back
to the self-esteem issue) or feel that to accept praise shows a lack of humility.
Or some other conflicted feeling gets in the way, such as not landing the All-
good account. The aggressive person uses a compliment as a form of self-ad-
vancement, to the annoyance of co-workers.
Whats the assertive way to respond to a compliment? Its really very sim-
ple, you look the other person in the eye, smile, and say, Thank you. Offer
more if you wish, such as, Thank you. I appreciate your telling me, or
Thank you. It means a lot to me, or Thank you. It was a challenging project
and Im proud of what we accomplished. When in doubt, a simple Thank
you will do.
Aggressive, non-assertive people, on the other hand, need to remember
the grace part of compliment acceptance. They must avoid accepting more
credit than theyre due, putting anyone down, or criticizing the person paying
the compliment. for example: Thanks. If it werent for me, we wouldnt have
gotten this thing off the ground, or Thanks. It was like pulling teeth to get
the team engaged, but I managed to pull it off, or Thanks. I thought youd
never notice. These are the types of responses that will bring you down in
the esteem of others.
action #6: look at Constructive Criticism as a self-improvement
opportunity
The other side of a compliment is constructive criticismwith the emphasis
on constructive. You already know how to give constructive feedback and how
to feed back your feelings to others through objective, positive language. You
should now be able to recognize constructive feedback when youre on the
receiving end.
Constructive criticism lets you know how you might improve your atti-
tude, behavior, performance, and so on. The goal here is to build you up, not
tear you down. Destructive criticism, in contrast, may involve a personal attack
(a you statement) or a manipulation to make you feel guilty or get you to
do something against your will. Its important to understand the difference
between constructive and destructive criticism and to be open to accepting
the former without becoming defensive. You may feel uncomfortable (after
all its about you) and you may experience a visceral reaction, but resist going
into denial or into a defensive mode. Consider the following example:
The department manager walked into her subordinates cubicle and
dropped a report on his desk. Ive circled five errors in this report,
she began. errors like these throw off our accounting and damage
the departments reputation. error-proofing is a matter of focus and
time management. so next time, start your report earlier, okay? That
way youll have time to double-check your numbers and run them
by sergio before you bump the report up to me.
The subordinate was initially stung by his managers words. Hed worked
a bruising schedule over the past few weeks. The flu had hit the department
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hard and he had taken up the slack. still, he knew that mentioning this would
sound like making excuses. He prided himself on the quality of his work, yet
he had to admit that he hadnt given the report the attention it deserved. so,
he agreed with his managers focus and time management prescription. Yes,
I could manage my time better, he admitted to himself. The idea of delegat-
ing more suddenly occurred to him. Ive resisted trusting others with more
work and responsibility. Now is the time to change.
Without the managers constructive criticism, this subordinate might not
have been ready to make a changeto improve. As an assertive person, you
must learn to accept (dare we say welcome) constructive criticism and use
it to improve performance.
action #7: Create a Daily assertiveness plan
Many successful and productive people follow a simple maxim: Plan your work,
then work your plan. The seventh action step is to create a daily assertiveness
plan. eventually, you should be spontaneously assertive, but at this stage a
daily plan will help you identify assertiveness opportunities at work and in
other areas on your life. As you practice your skills on a regular basis (see ex-
hibit 5-1), they will grow and become healthy habits.
Begin with safe, comfortable situations in which to practice assertive be-
havior and challenge your comfort level incrementally. Plan out your as-
sertiveness opportunities the night before and do this as long as you find this
exercise useful. You will probably backslide from time to time. Be willing to
forgive yourself when you do. As in dieting, falling off the wagon will not
mean failure if you get back on the program the next day.
Also know that people may not respond to your new assertiveness in ways
youd expector like. If youve been passive in your relationships, some peo-
ple may like the old you better. They may tell you so, even if that hurts.
After all, you were the agreeable person who kept quiet, accommodated, and
bit your tongue. That behavior made it easier for them to stand out. resist the
temptation to revert to your old behaviors.
If youve been aggressive in the past, people may be confused about your
new behavior. They may continue to walk gingerly around you, waiting for
an expected outburst. It will take time to gain the trust of others, so be patient.
1. Make several copies of the worksheet below, so that you can fill it out on a daily basis.
2. Identify your daily goals for each category, when applicable. Do this the night before you go
to work.
3. At the end of the day, evaluate your results. Remember that increasing your assertiveness
skills will take time. Be patient.
Exercise 5-2
Your Daily Assertiveness Plan Worksheet
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Exercise 5-2 continues on next page.
If you are not sure what to identify as a daily goal, consider the following examples:
Day Daily Goal Results
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Day Daily Goal Results
Monday
Ask Kiyoko for a meeting
agenda.
Got it. That was easy!
Tuesday
Let Gary know that Im
miffed about his comment
that I never stay late.
Garys out of town. Try
again next week.
Wednesday
Prepare to present my
ideas at the weekly sales
meeting.
Went well. Got noticed.
Preparation made the
difference.
Thursday
Speak with Helen about too
many typos.
Had a good chat. Didnt
come down on her but she
knew I meant business.
Friday
Tell Fred to stop using my
office as a hangout.
Chickened out! Will try
again next week.
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Exercise 5-2 continued from previous page.
take responsibility For yoUr
perForManCe atWork
every one of us can point to those whom we admire as strong and assertive
people. Of the individuals you know, which of their traits stand out in your
mind? fairness? Honesty? Decisiveness? frankness? Perhaps youve noticed
something else these people have in common: They take responsibility for
their actions and workplace performance, both good and bad. They dont
blame others or make excuses for their lapses and shortcomings. They engage
in straight talk, not spin. They dont try to take credit for the good work of
others. People admire them for this assertive behavior, even when they dis-
agree with their perspective. President Harry Truman, for example, earned
respect from both his supporters and detractors for his statement that The
buck stops here.
Taking responsibility for your own performance is an essential step to-
ward becoming more assertive. Any time you feel the urge to blame others or
to make excuses for your failures and shortcomings, make a conscious choice
to take responsibility what youve done or failed to do. The pain of doing this
is small compared to the toll that evading responsibility will take on your self-
esteem, integrity, reputation, and career. Because everyone makes mistakes
and occasionally falls short of goals, most people will forgive your shortcom-
ingsif you acknowledge and take responsibility for them. What they wont
forgive or forget is any attempt to pass the buck, to blame others, and to
evade responsibility for a bad outcome. In their eyes, youll be seen as weak,
unreliable, and untrustworthy.
The more your take responsibility for your performance, the more youll
feel empowered and worthy of respect. Therefore, if youre inclined to blame
others and make excuses for your mistakes, make a commitment to change
that behavior.
Taking responsibility for ones performance is analogous to effective cus-
tomer service. When a customer lodges a legitimate complaint, its important
to acknowledge the mistake, the poor service, or whatever motivated the com-
plaint, then find and fix whatever caused it in the first place. You should do
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Speak up and share your views.
Disagree agreeably.
Participate actively in meetings.
Be your own best champion.
Handle compliments with grace.
Use constructive criticism as an opportunity for self-improvement.
Create a daily assertiveness planand follow it!
xhibit 5-1
Seven Action Steps toward Positive Visibility
the same with your personal performance: acknowledge that something turned
out badly, find out why it happened, and fix it. lets look at how this can play
out when people fail to take responsibility and then when they seize it.
Scenario #1: The unassertive response
Troy arrived fifteen minutes late to a meeting with a team of com-
pany managers. He tiptoed through the door and stated in a low
voice, Im really sorry. My alarm didnt go off this morning. Then,
there was an accident on the freeway that backed up traffic for miles.
And then I realized my wife had borrowed my cell phone without
telling me, which is why I couldnt contact you. I hope you under-
stand.
Scenario #1: The assertive response
Patricia arrived fifteen minutes late to a meeting with a team of man-
agers from her company. she walked through the door briskly and
stated in a well-modulated voice, Im late and I recognize that your
time is valuable. In the future, Ill hit the freeway earlier, in case
theres an accident. Please accept my apology.
Who comes across as more credibly and assertive in scenario #1, Troy
or Patricia? You probably chose Patricia. Although Troy apologized, he
wrapped his tardiness in a bundle of excuses and then threw himself upon the
mercy of his colleagues. Patricia, on the other hand, took responsibility for
her lateness and showed respect for her colleagues time. she also indicated
what she would do in the future to solve the problem. Her response is strong
and assertive while Troys is weak and unassertive.
Scenario #2: The Unassertive Response
Julie was called to the office of the vice President of sales and Mar-
keting to account for the sharp loss of sales volume in the previous
six months. Once there, she paced the floor, with one hand on her
hip, talking in a shrill voice.
Well, the previous quarters were strong, she began, so this is
a fluke. The economys in a downturn and our competitions under-
cutting us. Theyre probably losing money on every order just to get
the sales away from us. To make matters worse, we never got ap-
proval for the new account executive, so were all working longer
hours. What do people around here expect, miracles? Itd help to
have some support around here.
Scenario #2: The Assertive Response
ricardo was called to the office of the vice President of sales and
Marketing to account for the sharp loss of sales volume in the pre-
vious six months. He sat in a chair beside the vice presidents desk,
looked him in the eye, and spoke in a calm voice.
Yes, weve had two lousy quarters in a rowand it happened
on my watch. The economys weak and we face stiff competition,
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but we can do betterand we will. Heres how. first, weve begun
focusing more on retaining existing customers. second, were in-
stalling a program that will help the sales team manage prospects
more efficiently. finally, were looking forward to approval to hire
the new account executive. Are you still behind me on that one,
Paul?
In scenario #2, who do you think will turn the companys sales around,
Julie or ricardo? Most likely, youve picked ricardo. Julie hasnt accepted re-
sponsibility for the sales slump. using the weak economy and competition as
excuses, she offers complaints instead of a plan to cure the problem. ricardo,
on the other hand, acknowledges that poor performance has happened on his
watch. He mentions the slow economy and stiff competition, but only as chal-
lenges that his team must surmount. He then describes the steps his team is
taking to improve the situation. finally, ricardo presents the issue of the new
account executive as an expectation and uses the occasion to confirm Pauls
backing for the new hire.
Think about a poor outcome for which one of your colleagues has avoided taking responsibility.
Describe the outcome and how that person responded. Did he or she make excuses, shift blame,
deny or refuse to discuss it, become bullying and aggressive, etc.? What may have influenced this
persons response? Write your answers below.
Now, with your new commitment to assertiveness, revisit the event described above. Put yourself
in that persons shoes. How would you respond to the same situation? What would you say? How
would you say it? Write your answers below.
Think About It . . .
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Think About It continues on next page.
take Credit for your successes
While its important to take responsibility for a poor performance, its also im-
portant to take credit for a successful one. If youre on the passive side, this
may be harder to do than accepting blame when something goes wrong. You
may think that taking credit will make you appear boastful and egotistical. It
wont as long as you credit the contributions of others. for example, instead
of saying, We really lucked out in the negotiation I was in charge of, say,
Im proud of the way the negotiation turned out. It was my first time in charge
and it was a positive experience. I applaud sandra for her outstanding contri-
bution. Her research skills contributed greatly to our success. Does that
sound boastful and egotistical, or does it sound assertive and collaborative?
The first approach credited no one, unless you think of luck as a person. The
second approach humbly accepted congratulations while acknowledging the
excellent performance of another participant (sandra).
Think about a successful outcome you were involved in at work but for which you avoided taking
responsibility. How did you respond? Did you minimize the accomplishment? Did you diminish your
own contribution? Did you credit others without crediting yourself, etc.? Why did you respond in
this way? Write your answers below.
Think About It . . .
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Think About It continues on next page.
Think About It continued from previous page.
Now, revisit your successful outcome. Were giving you a second chance. How will you respond
this time around? What will you say to take responsibility without seeming arrogant? How will you
say it? Write your answers below.
Dont take responsibility if its not yours
As you strive to become more assertive, avoid taking responsibility for an out-
comegood or badthats not yours to take. This is also a wise move for
your career. People will resent you if you take credit for a positive outcome
that belongs to someone else; theyll disrespect you if you accept blame for
something you didnt do. In general, avoid falling on your sword for your
boss, a subordinate, a co-worker, or your company. If youre asked or feel
tempted to do this, analyze the pros and cons carefully and strategically. Then,
if you decide to go ahead, its own your decision.
If you are a manager, complete this exercise. If youre not a manager, put yourself in your managers
shoes for a moment and do the same. Youre talking with one of your direct reports about a problem
that his team has created. This individual, Shawn, leads a sales team that has just lost a big ac-
count and is depressed by the loss. He makes no excuses and takes full responsibility for it. You
know that many factors were involved in the lost accountstrong competition, a less-than-perfect
match between your companys product and the customers needs, and inexperience on Shawns
sales team. In your view, Shawn is a good team leader and not entirely to blame. What advice
would you give Shawn about his approach to taking responsibility in this matter?
Exercise 5-3
Helping Your Subordinates Take Responsibility
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Exercise 5-3 continues on next page.
Think About It continued from previous page.
In this chapter, you learned why its important to create pos-
itive visibility at work and the actions you can take to achieve
that visibility. The chapter began with seven action steps you
can take in gaining positive visibility: (1) speaking up and shar-
ing your views; (2) disagreeing agreeably; (3) participating in
meetings; (4) acting as your own best champion; (5) handling
compliments with grace; (6) using constructive criticism as an
opportunity for self-improvement; and (7) creating a daily as-
sertiveness plan.
The second half of the chapter underscored the importance of taking re-
sponsibility for your work performanceboth failures and successesand
offered examples of how this can be done in ways that will give you a positive
and assertive aura. Taking responsibility for your performance at work in-
cludes taking credit for your successes and refusing responsibility when it isnt
yours.
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Exercise 5-3 continued from previous page.
recap
1. An unassertive person is usually inclined not to disagree with 1. (b)
co-workers because doing so could:
(a) make them visible in the organization.
(b) create conflict.
(c) result in a job change.
(d) waste time.
2. An effective way to gain positive visibility in your organization is to: 2. (c)
(a) regularly remind people of your accomplishments.
(b) dominate conversations.
(c) speak up and express your ideas in a clear and direct way.
(d) avoid taking a position when opinions are divided.
3. Prepare for active participation in meetings by: 3. (d)
(a) being spontaneously assertive.
(b) arriving at least half an hour early.
(c) getting lots of sleep the night before.
(d) asking for an agenda and researching the topics.
4. Which of the following is an effective way of expressing a 4. (a)
contrary viewpoint?
(a) Thats an interesting idea. Heres another way we can look at this.
(b) How could you even consider that? It wont work.
(c) Customers might go for that feature. But Im not convinced.
(d) On the contrary, I dont think your plan has merit.
5. In taking responsibility for your performance at work, which of 5. (b)
the following should you avoid?
(a) giving credit to others when they deserve it
(b) Accepting blame for a poor outcome you didnt contribute to
(c) Taking proper credit for good outcomes you contributed to
(d) Apologizing if youre responsible for a mistake
Review Questions
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Learning Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you should be able
to:
Listening to be aware
Listening to learn
Listening to engage
level 1: listening to Be Aware
The first level of listening is fundamental, yet crucial to expanding your lis-
tening skills. It involves listening to your environment with rapt attention
that is, using your ears to be aware of whats going on around you in a
particular location at a particular time. Today, many of us are so plugged into
cell phone conversations, MP3 players, talk radio, and inner thoughts that
were not entirely present in the time and place were occupying. This has
been occurring since the invention of the telephone first replaced face-to-
face communication, but has become more pervasive as weve gone wireless,
often to the point of rudeness. Have you noticed people on the street or on
the subway who are so plugged into their MP3 players and cell phones that
they appear heedless of the people and activities around them? Perhaps, oc-
casionally youre one of them.
When were electronically plugged in elsewhere, we miss the sounds of
our environment: the clicking of heels on sidewalks, the kicking of balls on
the soccer field, and the giggling of kids hanging upside down on the bars of
a swing. We miss snatches of hallway conversations, the clinking of silverware
in the company dining room, the hellos and goodbyes that mark the day.
We miss the wondrous and often healing sounds of nature. In other words,
were not really there. The purpose of the first level of assertive listening is to
reconnect to the environment and to hone your most basic listening skills.
You can do this by getting unplugged and tuning onto the sounds around you.
Exercise 6-2 will help you.
In this exercise, youll work on your most fundamental listening skills by identifying the sounds that
surround you.
1. Select a location in your work environment where you are apart from co-workers and unlikely
to be disturbed for four to five minutes.
2. If you have a cell phone with you, turn it off. If you have a radio, MP3 player, or any other
non-work device on, turn it off as well.
Exercise 6-2
Tuning In to Natural Surround Sound
Exercise 6-2 continued from previous page.
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ADDrEssINg THE NEEDs AND INTErEsTs Of OTHErs 109
3. Now, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and sit quietly. Put any worries or to do items out of
your mind.
4. Use the next five minutes to focus on all the sounds around you: footsteps and voices in the
corridor, the person in the next cubicle speaking on the telephone, the click-clack of some-
one keyboarding; a telephone ringing somewhere.
5. Once the five minutes is over, make a list of the things you heard:
6. If you heard human voices, were they angry, cheerful, concerned, hurried, demanding,
calm? Describe the tenor of those voices.
Repeat this practice session as often as you wish. Aside from building listening skills, it can be a
useful way to alleviate stress.
level 2: listening to learn
The second level of listening is the listening we use in classrooms, seminars,
workshops, training sessions, meetings, and in conversations with others when
we seek information. Communicators call this deliberative listening (kiely, 1997).
At this level, we listen with the intent to learn something. We act like sponges,
soaking up facts, statistics, theories, and educated opinions. We file what we
receive into our memory banks in order to pass exams, understand our indus-
try, learn more about the financial position of our companywhatever in-
formation we need to function successfully.
This level of listening requires concentration and the ability to abstract
often complex information. We need to understand the essence of whats being
said so we can take accurately notes or recall the information later. We must
do so without hanging on to every word, getting lost in the details, and losing
sight of the larger picture. Listening to learn requires us to capture informa-
tion quickly in our minds and on paper without falling behind the presenter.
This takes skill and practice. Exercise 6-3 will give you some of that practice.
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In this exercise, youll work on your listening skills by concentrating on and capturing information
you receive in a learning situation: a video presentation. Perhaps your company has some taped
instructional videos or sales presentations you can borrow. Otherwise, a lecture video or TV doc-
umentary will do. All you need is a VHS or DVD player, or an online Webcast (Webinar). These
are best because you can play and re-run them at your leisure. Heres what you need to do:
1. Set yourself up in a place where youll be uninterrupted by people or telephone calls. Have a
pen and notebook handy. Then, get relaxed and put other matters out of your mind.
2. Turn on the video and watch the first ten minutes of actual presentation (skipping over any
introductory remarks by a moderator or announcer).
3. Concentrate on the speakers main points and the key evidence used to back up these
points. Jot them down in your notebook.
4. After ten minutes, or at a logical break in the program, stop recording and paraphrase the
speakers main points and key evidence.
5. Then, replay the program and compare what you hear in the replay with the main points and
evidence you recorded in your workbook. How accurately did you capture what the speaker
or speakers said?
6. How many key points did you fail to catch the first time?
Repeat this practice session as often as you wish.
level 3: listening to Engage
The third level of listening engages us in the other persons conversation.
Communicators call this active listening. We could also call it assertive listening
because it takes a person beyond passive absorption to active involvement in
communication.
Active, assertive listening goes beyond attentively and passively absorbing
what we hear. Instead, it requires direct visual and oral engagement by the
listener. The goal is to help us accurately understand the other persons mean-
ing and avoid the trap of misunderstanding. Active listeners do this by using
inclusive eye contact and body language, avoiding distractions, using attending
sounds, paraphrasing, asking questions, and asking for more information.
Exercise 6-3
Soaking Up Information
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ADDrEssINg THE NEEDs AND INTErEsTs Of OTHErs 111
Use Eye Contact and Body Language
When you use eye contact and body language, you demonstrate that youre
interested in what the speaker has to say. Eye contact signals your desire to
listen. People who look around at other things send a different message: Im
not interested.
In addition to eye contact, use facial expressions and body language that
area relaxed and welcoming. Nod your head when you hear a point of agree-
ment and gesture with your hands and arms toward the other person to invite
the sharing of ideas.
Avoid Distractions
Another way to listen actively is to avoid distractionsboth in your mind and
in the environment. That means keeping your attention focused on what the
other person is saying, rather than on letting other thoughts intrude or allow-
ing emotions to get in the way. One natural obstacle to distraction avoidance
is the fact that people hear at a much faster rate than they speak. As you
learned in Chapter 4, people speak on average of between 125 and 150 words
per minute. In contrast, people hear (and comprehend what they hear) at a
rate of up to 600 words a minute (kiely, 1997). given this disparity, its easy
to see how some people might become impatient and let their minds wan-
deror even try to speed the speaker along by finishing their sentences!
To help keep your mind free of distractions, reduce the number of dis-
tractions in your environment. Turn off your cell phone and ask your assistant
to hold your telephone calls. If youre expecting an important call, let the per-
son know beforehand, and if the call comes through, keep it briefor else
reschedule the meeting. If the radio is on when someone enters your office,
turn it off. By all means, avoid doing other tasks as you listen. Yes, we live in
the age of multitasking, but multitasking is just a way of sequencing your at-
tention, which seldom produces a good result.
Use Attending Sounds
responses, such as uh-huh and um-hum, are known as attending sounds,
as are the words and phrases such as, Okay, I see, I hear you, sure, and
similar phrases. They tell the other person that youre listening and following
along with the conversation. If you dont understand a point or if youre not
following the conversation, its better to ask for clarification, rather than to use
attending sounds: I didnt understand that point. Would you clarify it for me?
If you disagree, ask questions that will help you understand how the other
person arrived at his or her viewpoint: Wait a minute. I dont see how you
reached that conclusion, given what you said earlier. Please explain how you
reached it.
Paraphrase the Other Persons Point
To ensure understandingand to demonstrate that youre listening with in-
terestuse your own words to feed back what the other person has just said;
that is, paraphrase the other persons points.
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In other words, youre saying that . . . .
If I understand you . . . .
What I hear you saying is. . . .
Just to check my understanding, youre stating that . . . .
Paraphrasing allows the other person to respond to and, if necessary, to
correct your feedback, which helps prevent misunderstanding and possible
conflict.
Ask Questions
Along with paraphrasing, ask questions that clarify the other persons points.
Do this in an inquiring, rather than a challenging way, by keeping your tone
of voice steady and calm, and letting your speaker know that the goal is to
create understanding. Here is an example of a clarifying question:
When you say that the future of our gizmoTec product line is
clouded, do you mean that our sales will be eclipsed by rivalsper-
haps with superior technology?
Another way of asking the same clarifying question would be to say:
What do you mean by the word clouded? Presenting it that way, however,
might seem more of a challenge, especially if you have an edge to your voice.
You can also use the technique of folding a paraphrase into your question.
Here are two examples:
When you say cloudy, do you mean that our future is uncertain or
in decline?
In other words, youre saying that the gizmoTec product line has
no long-term future?
As with paraphrasing, asking clarifying questions shows the other person
that youre involved and attentive, and youre interested in his or her point of
view. It also elicits information that can improve your understanding.
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ADDrEssINg THE NEEDs AND INTErEsTs Of OTHErs 113
Ask for More Information
Another way to listen effectively and actively is to ask for more information.
You might ask the other person to expand on a point, or to be more specific,
more precise, or to provide examples. Again, your goal is to understand what
the other person means. Here are several examples:
Thats an interesting idea. Tell me more about it.
I want to be sure I understand your point. Tell me specifically what
you mean.
Thats a unique view. Tell me more precisely what you mean.
give me an example of what you mean, so that I dont misunder-
stand your point.
As you seek more information, ask questions, paraphrase, use attending
sounds, avoid distractions, and employ inclusive body language and eye con-
tact, you gain an understanding of others perspectives that helps cement im-
portant relationships. Yet, if youre like most people, youve not been taught
how to listen to engage or to listen actively. Developing this skill will take
time and continued practice. Its well worth the effort, because as you become
more engaged, youll find that your conversations with others will become
more engaging and more vibrantand cast you in a more positive light.
tip: Dig Deep to uncover real Interests
To understand another persons interests, dig beneath the surface of a
stated position by asking questions. Try to determine what the person is
really after, which may be different than what has been stated. for example,
if a subordinate keeps telling you that she needs a larger office, dont ac-
cept that statement without probing deeper. she might need more square
footage in order to complete her work. On the other hand, her true in-
terest might be to gain some tangible and visible recognition of her con-
tributions to the company. If her real interest is getting psychic stokes,
there is more than one way to provide them, such as a promotion, a bonus,
or complimenting her in front of co-workers. A bigger office is just one
way to address her real need.
When youre probing for real interests, dont by shy about being very
up-front and direct: so, Helen, do you really need more space to get you
job done, or do you feel unappreciated for the good work youve been
doing lately? remember, unassertive people beat around the bush. As-
sertive people are direct and frank.
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ExplOrINgthE NEEDs ANDINtErEsts
Of OthErs
Listening well sends a message of respect. Indeed, being treated with respect
and earning the respect of others is a universal need that cuts across race,
class, gender, and culture. As we choose to listen to others and know how to
do so effectively, we address this universal need at a basic level. We do this in
an assertive wayusing direct and positive language, strong eye contact, ap-
propriate facial expression, good posture, and controlled voicewithout los-
ing our sense of self or our ability to decide things for ourselves. for many of
the encounters we have during the course of a day, this will suffice. But for
crucial interpersonal understanding we need to go a step furtherto explore
what matters to the other person. This exploration is an extension of knowing
our audience, a topic discussed earlier in this course.
Its especially important to explore the needs, concerns, and interests of
those people we work with on an on-going basis: our co-workers, teammates,
managers, subordinates, clients, loyal customers, suppliers, outside contrac-
torsanyone with an important working relationship with us and with our
organizations. We need to get to the core of what these people care about. We
can do this through many types of encountersin one-on-one discussions,
in small groups, in meetings, at lunch or dinner, or other venues. The alter-
native is to act on assumptions or guesswork, which can lead us down a dan-
gerous path.
How can you effectively explore the needs and interests of others? As
youll learn here, you can do so by creating a safe environment, asking probing
questions, avoiding questions or statements that might provoke a defensive
response, reciprocating, and being proactive.
Create a safe Environment
A safe environment for our purposes involves an emotional and psychological
climate in which people feel free to disclose their needs, interests, and con-
Caution!
Observe this caution as you try to determine what matters to others. If
youre on the passive side of the assertiveness scale, you may find yourself
as a matter of habit putting the other persons interests above your own.
You can avoid this by consciously keeping what matters to you in the fore-
ground of your thoughts. Empathize with the other person, but not at
your expense. If youre on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale,
this type of exploration may make you feel that youre appearing weak.
In fact, being unwilling to listen to other viewpoints and explore other
peoples concerns is a weak posture, and for that matter, an insecure one.
In contrast, willingly exploring the concerns of others sends a message
of openness and confidence. This, in turn, helps you cement relationships
and build the alliances that are so crucial to workplace success.
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ADDrEssINg THE NEEDs AND INTErEsTs Of OTHErs 115
cerns without the fear of reprisal or ridicule. good things can happen when
fear is removed.
A fear-free environment encourages people to speak directly and hon-
estly. Here are some things you can do to create such an environment:
Maintain respectful and civil discoursedont roll your eyes or give an ex-
asperated look when you hear something with which you disagree.
If necessary, lay out clear ground rules such as, Well listen respectfully to
each other, avoid interrupting, and make no personal attacksokay?
set an example by being calm and listening carefully to the other person.
Demanding a response
standing while the other person is sitting; that puts you in the commanding
position and may work against disclosure.
Exploring personal needs and feelings; these are often closely held and pri-
vate.
Pointing at the other person; thats aggressive and accusatory in any cul-
ture.
Dislike dissent.
Are willing to live with fewer rules in return for greater freedom.
Be precise in your language, so that you avoid ambiguous words and phrases.
When you begin your inquiry, lay out the guidelines or steps for the dis-
closure process and be sure to follow them. Be consistent and true to your
word. When you do this, youll help reduce the other persons reservations.
Collectivism and Individualism
The third cultural dimension that has an impact on disclosure is collectivism.
Collectivism is the degree to which a persons identity is shaped by and at-
tached to groupshis or her family, community, company, friends, and social
class. Collectivism can be defined as connection with the power of the group
(Tuleja, 2005). Individualism, on the other hand, is the degree to which a per-
sons identity is shaped by his or her sense of self, apart from groups. Nations
with collectivist cultures include most of the south American, Central Amer-
ican, Asian, Arab, and West and East African nations.
Collectivist cultures place a high value on harmony, interconnectedness,
and group achievement. Therefore, peoples decisions and self-perceptions
are highly influenced by their family and other relationships. for example,
rather than going off on their own by a given age, children in collectivist cul-
tures are expected to live with their families until they marry and start a family
of their own (Ibid).
In business, people from collectivist cultures put the interests of their
company and team ahead of their own. That means that success, in their view,
flows from the cooperative efforts of the group as a whole, not as the result of
a particular persons contribution. In fact, people in collectivist cultures shy
away from offering or accepting individual praise, because it singles them out
and places them above the group.
In contrast, individualistic cultures place a high value on independence, self-
reliance, and personal achievement. Countries that have individualistic cultures
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include the united states, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Britain, the Nether-
lands, and other countries in Western Europe. People from these cultures are
emotionally independent from group membership, according to Hofstede, self-
actualization is at the forefront of identity (Hofstede, quoted in Tuleja, 2005). In
individualist cultures, parents raise their children to go off on their own and take
responsibility for their lives, financial support, decisions, and careers. The focus
is on individual performance and success, which is reflected in the competitive
nature of schooling, careers, athletics, media, and politics. Even in team-oriented
businesses, the individual is not subservient to the group, but expects to make his
or her unique contribution to the teams success and be recognized for it. Those
who make a special contribution will most likely want to be singled out for praise.
Collectivism and individualism have an impact on workplace communi-
cations. Because people from collectivist cultures seek harmony and consen-
sus, they prefer to go along with the group and blend in rather than stake out
a contrary position or point of view. They are more likely to say what they
believe the group wants to hear and keep their personal opinions and expres-
sions of concern to themselves. This makes the task of exploring needs, in-
terests, and concerns more difficult.
To get a more accurate picture of what matters to a person with a col-
lectivist orientation, its a good idea to frame your inquiry in terms of the
group. for example:
Tell the person that his or her interests and concerns are important to the
groups (or departments or companys) success and long- term harmony.
Ask for ideas in connection to the group: What steps should the team take
to bring this client on board? What priorities should the group set for the
next month, etc.?
Avoid using phrases such as: What do you think about . . . ? These stress
individual thoughts and feelings and move away from the group identity.
Avoid singling the person out for praise or criticism in front of the group.
Think about someone youve worked or studied with who comes from a collectivist culture (such
as Japan, China) where group identity is strong relative to the individualistic identity common in
the United States and many other Western countries. What country did the person come from?
Did you observe any differences between this person and more individualistic peers in how he or
she related to the group or the team? For instance, did the person with the collectivist background
strive to stand out or act more as a team player? Explain.
Think About It . . .
ADDrEssINg THE NEEDs AND INTErEsTs Of OTHErs 125
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Think About It continues on next page.
Did you experience any unique problems in communicating with this person about his or her beliefs,
opinions, or concerns? Please explain.
Would you describe this person as a passive, aggressive, or assertive participant in classroom or
work activities?
While culture has a profound influence on people, avoid making assump-
tions or generalizing expectations about a persons behavior based solely on
cultural background. People are influenced by many things. keep in mind the
inherent worth of everyone you work with, and his or her potential for making
a productive contribution to your organization.
for your convenience and review, weve summarized some of the key
culture-related communication features described here in Exhibit 6-1.
Want to learn more?
To learn more about a specific country or region of the world, consult in-
ternational business books, such as Cultures and Organizations: Software of the
Mind: International Cooperation and Its Importance for Survival by geert Hof-
stede and Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands by Terri Morrison, Wayne A. Conaway,
and george A. Borden, Ph.D.; online international websites, such as Inter-
national Business Resources from Michigan state university (http://glob-
aledge.msu.edu/ibrd/ibrd.asp.); organizational websites, such as Geert
Hofstede
TM
Cultural Dimensions (http://www.geert-hofstede.com/) which
provides a country-by-country look at Hofstedes cultural dimensions.
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Think About It continued from previous page.
rEspONDINgtOthE NEEDs AND
INtErEsts Of OthErs
There are many ways to respond to the needs and interests of others. How
you choose to respond will say something about your assertivenessor lack
of it. You may give in, compromise, go for a win, or try to find a solution that
satisfies everyone.
What you choose to do will depend on the importance of the issue versus
the importance of your relationship. If the balance favors one over the other,
it will logically determine your response (Exhibit 6-2). savvy negotiators un-
derstand this and will often give ground on a particular issue if doing so will
protect their relationship with the other party, as in the following example:
Cynthia, the purchasing manager for a household appliance manu-
facturer, was negotiating with one of her companys key component
suppliers, Acme Assemblies. The representative from Acme was ask-
ing for a higher unit price than Cynthia was comfortable paying. I
ADDrEssINg THE NEEDs AND INTErEsTs Of OTHErs 127
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xhibit 6-1
Culture Communication
Cultural Features Region
People are very up-front and get right down
to business
U.S., Canada, most European countries
Require trust-building time before discussing
important matters
Asian, Middle Eastern, and Latin American
countries, and the Western countries of
Ireland, France, and Spain
High power distance
(power controlled by a few at the top)
Japan, the Philippines, Indonesia, Peru,
Mexico, West Africa, China
Low power distance
(power more evenly distributed)
U.S., Canada, U.K., New Zealand,
Netherlands, Australia
High uncertainty avoidance (lots of rules) Portugal, Belgium, Greece, Chile, Japan
Low uncertainty avoidance (rules less
important)
U.S., Canada, Sweden, U.K., Denmark, India
Collectivist (group oriented)
South and Central America, Asia, Arabic
nations, West and East Africa
Individualistic
(more individual than group oriented)
U.S., Australia, Canada, New Zealand, U.K.,
Netherlands, most Western European countries
know that I can get a slightly better price elsewhere, she told her-
self. But for Cynthia, more than price was at stake. Over the years,
her company had learned to value its relationships with competent
and reliable suppliers. Those suppliers did their own quality control,
were continually innovating, and routinely worked with the appli-
ance companys engineers in some aspects of new product design
and development. Cynthia could count on these suppliers for just-
in-time delivery, which kept her companys production operations
running smoothly. With that in mind, she agreed to a contract renew
with Acme. It will cost us a bit more, she reflected, but thats a
small price to pay for a solid supplier relationship.
In this example, price mattered a great deal to Acme Assemblies. Perhaps,
it desperately needs to obtain a high unit price in order to maintain quality
and support its innovative work force. To Cynthia, on the other hand, price
mattered less than the relationship with a reliable supplier. By giving in to
Acmes price demand, Cynthia wasnt being an unassertive negotiatorshe
was creating a solution that allowed each party to get what it wanted.
Perhaps, youre facing a situation similar to that of Cynthias. If the issue
is unimportant to you, but the relationship is vital, you may decide to give the
person what he or she wants. Vital work relationships are those that are on-
going, strategic, supportive, and reciprocal. Be particularly thoughtful about
your dealings with:
People who influence your career and have decision-making power over
you.
People who provide the services and products you need to get your work
done effectively.
People you have bonded with and who support you as a trusted colleague.
xhibit 6-2
Some Issues Matter to Us More Than Others
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When both the issue and relationship are important, consider more fully
how you can take a stand for your interests and for those of the other person.
If youre on the passive side of the assertiveness scale, you may be tempted to
resolve issues by giving in too quickly. You may do this for many reasons: you
prefer to avoid conflict, you want to be thought of as a nice person, giving in
is what youre used to doing and what other people expect, or for some other
reason. But youve just spent time listening to the other person, clarifying his
or her position, determining what matters to him or her, and sharing what
matters to you. Instead of discarding that effort, consider a range of solutions,
some of which address your needs and interests.
If youre on the aggressive side of the assertiveness scale, you may be
tempted to go for a win at the other persons expenseespecially if he or she
is passive and not likely to push back. But before you do, consider the rela-
tionship. Youve just spent time listening to and exploring what matters to the
other person. Are you really going to take that information and turn it against
them? Is the relationship less important to you than winning? These are ques-
tions worth both thinking about and answering. In the end, you may choose
to win, but before you do, consider other possible solutions, ideally in collab-
oration with the other person.
think It Over
In some cases, your interactions with others may demand rapid action. gen-
erally, the person who has time pressures or is under a time constraint is in
the weaker position. This is why so many retailers advertise one-day, or week-
end sales: Act now. This special offer ends tomorrow at 6 PM.
If you are pressured to decide immediately on how youll deal with some-
ones issues, tell that person that you want to think it over (or think about it
more). Then, let the person know when he or she can expect an answer. sim-
ilarly, if the other person asks for more time, grant it, and then ask: When
can I expect your answer? In this way, youre making time an ally, not an
enemy that gives someone else the upper hand.
Once you have more time, use it to consider the consequences of meeting
the persons request:
Can we agree to . . . ?
You can either have a large car with poor fuel economy or a small car with
high gas mileage.
Uncertainty avoidance. some countries, the u.s. among them, have a low level
of uncertainty avoidance. rules are fewer and people are more willing to
open up about their thoughts and feelings. High uncertainty avoidance cul-
ture is the opposite with more rules and people who are hesitant to reveal
their thoughts and feelings.
Listened to.
Trusted.
Able to choose how to do ones job (within the organizations rules and
guidelines).
Beyond the law; laws arent always ethical (the segregationist laws of the
old South, for example).
Beyond social acceptance; what society accepts may violate ethics (racial
discrimination in the United States and elsewhere was socially acceptable
even when it was legally and ethically unacceptable).
In the workplace, ethical behavior takes the form of honesty, loyalty to le-
gitimate goals, tolerance, respect for co-workers, respect for legitimate confi-
dentiality, keeping private business to a minimum during working hours, and
truthfulness. no one would quarrel with these behaviors. The challenge comes
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when one ethical standard conflicts with another. Consider this example:
Samantha, a junior management consultant, has been scrupulously
honest in tracking and invoicing clients for the time she spends on
their projects. She has also been loyal to her company and to Ron,
her boss. But now Ron is pressuring her to pad each clients monthly
bill with an extra hour of workwork she hasnt actually done. An
extra hour doesnt amount to a lot of money for these clients, and
Samantha is aware that her boss is under enormous pressure from
above to increase revenues. But overbilling is dishonest, and she
knows it.
When she protests, Ron becomes very upset, accusing her of
being disloyal and of not being a team player. Have you forgotten
all the help Ive given you since you started working for me? he com-
plains. I taught you the ropes. now, its time for you to help me.
In this example, Samantha finds her ethical sense of honesty is in conflict
with her loyalty to Ron, who has been a good boss and who has advanced her
career. Perhaps, youve found yourself in the same situation at one time or
another. What should you do?
The ethical solution in Samanthas case is not difficult to determine.
Padding client invoices is clearly unethical, and even illegal, and shouldnt be
done. Samantha owes an ethical duty of honesty to her clients; Ron, as her
superivisor, shares that ethical duty. The ethical duty of honest easily trumps
her loyalty duty to Ron, who has issued a dishonest request. Samantha should
not consider padding the invoices. The question is, how would an assertive
person explain this to Ron?
Recalling what we learned about assertiveness in earlier chapters, Saman-
tha should meet Rons request with direct, frank language supported with a
firm voice tone, eye contact, and assertive body language as indicated here:
Ron, youre asking me to do something that is both unethical and
dishonest. Thats not a fair or legitimate request. I know that youre
under pressure to increase monthly billings, and Im eager to help
you with thatif it means working long days, hunting for new busi-
ness, whateverbut dont ask me to pad my invoices. Instead of talk-
ing about doing that, lets talk about how I and the rest of the team
can legitimately increase revenues.
By resisting Rons illegitimate request, Samantha has unheld her ethical
boundary. And by asserting her eagerness to help Ron with the root cause of
the problem, she has demonstrated loyalty to her boss.
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IdEnTIfYInG And MAInTAInInG ASSERTIVE BoUndARIES AT WoRK 143
Can you recall a situation in which, as in the case of Samantha and Ron, you find yourself in an
ethical conflict? Please describe the situation and the ethical conflict below.
What decision did you make or what action did you take? What did you base your decision on:
your feelings, religious guidelines, professional standards, social norms?
Boundaries of time
for many people today, time is the most scarce and precious of commodities.
People face more demands on their time in their work, home, and social lives
than people faced a quarter century ago, partly because of the global economy
and a highly competitive marketplace. Cell phones, Blackberry smartphones,
and other electronic devices have put many people on-call around the clock.
Its no wonder, then, that so many of us have trouble maintaining a healthy
life-work balance. A healthy balance addresses the needs of the workplace and
the personal needs of the employee to:
Honor obligations to friends and family (for example, tend to sick children).
Locate a reasonable time boundarythat is, one that meets your needs and
the legitimate needs of your employer.
Uncooperative co-workers.
Hardball negotiators.
Workplace bullies.
Perhaps, you know of other types of difficult people you could add to
this list. These are people who show no respect but demand it from you. They
insist that you subordinate your rights and interest to their rights and interests.
They take, but give nothing in return. As far as theyre concerned, whats theirs
is theirs, and whats yours is negotiable. They ignore your legitimate orders,
or dont seem to understand the meaning of no. With some, every encounter
Assertiveness and Dealing
with Difficult People
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is a test of wills, and every concession you make in pursuit of an agreeable
solution merely provokes greater demands.
Four Techniques For DeAlingwiTh
DiFFiculTPeoPle
Difficult people will test everything youve learned in this course. What fol-
lows are some techniques that will help you emerge from encounters with
them with both your boundaries and your interests intact. They are:
Fogging.
Negative inquiry.
The screaming rant Defense
Its tough dealing with angry, out-of-control people who yell and scream. How
best to handle them depends on whether their target is you or something re-
lated to your company, such as its products service. Depending upon the cir-
cumstance, one of the following approaches may help you.
Let Them Vent
One staple defense is to simply allow the irate person to vent his or her feel-
ingsthat is, to blow off negative energy. For this technique to succeed, you
want to be a Teflon person and let all that hostility and negative energy
blow past you without sticking. In most cases, this person isnt attacking you
personally, and he or she will eventually run out of steam.
The best advice in these situations is to:
Remain composed; dont allow the irate persons emotions to infect yours.
Avoid the temptation to ask questions while the person is blowing off steam,
such as, Whats your problem, sir? That question is as likely to ratchet up
the persons anger as to dissipate it.
If you listen to the rant, youll find out the cause, and once he or she calms
down, you can work toward a resolution, such as the following example:
Were very sorry that youve missed your connection, Mr. Burke.
The snow storm in the Midwest has grounded all flights coming in
from Chicago and Detroit, including yours. Ill try to find you a seat
on another outgoing flight. This will take just a minute.
Leave the Rant if Its About You
On the other hand, if the rants about you and the person has truly lost self-
control, you may not want to stay and listen to his or her screaming attack.
Nor are you obligated as your first obligation is to yourself. Say to the person,
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ASSeRTIveNeSS AND DeAlINg WITH DIFFICUlT PeOPle 159
lets talk about this after youve calmed down, or, Once youve calmed
down, Ill be glad to discuss this matter. Or, if the rant is particularly abusive,
Im going across the street for some coffee. If youd like to discuss this in a
civil manner, youre welcome to join me, or some similar response.
You may also leave without saying anything. Once the storm has passed,
though, arrange a time to meet. You need to find out what provoked the out-
burst, whether its valid, and whether it was about something you did or need
to correct.
Think about a time when someone yelled uncontrollably at you about a product, service, or your
company. How did you deal with the outburst? Did you yell back, listen, hint that the person was
the problem, or try to resolve the situation?
Did the situation turn out well? If not, why not? What would you do now to handle it better?
The Broken record Technique
In his groundbreaking book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, Manuel Smith claims
that persistence plays an essential role in assertive thought and behavior. With
that in mind, he created the broken record technique. Similar to a vinyl record
needle that gets stuck in a groove and repeats the recording over and over,
this technique repeats the bottom line, or core message, again and again. For
example, with this technique, you use the same words or slightly altered words
to reach people who arent listening to you, who are manipulating you, who
may be ignoring you, who are resisting you, or who are saying no to you
about something that matters to you. lets look at this example of this tech-
nique in use.
Think About It . . .
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Julias team is discussing a plan to open a new sales territory. Shes
very concerned about some assumptions of the plan. We really
dont know how many qualified buyers are in the new territory, she
tells the others. I think we should do a demography study first
the census data were working with is already nine years old.
Wesley, who has been pushing the plan, nods. Then he starts
talking about staffing the sales effort in the new territory. Hes acting
as through Julia isnt even in the room. Undeterred, she stays on
message. Staffings important, Wes, but we need to begin with a
clear understanding of customer demographics.
No one responds to her suggestion and the team proceeds to talk
about whether to hire a new sales rep or rely on the in-house sales staff.
Unwilling to be brushed off, Julia interrupts once again, It doesnt
make sense to commit resources to this until we know more about the
demographics of the territory. Were flying blind at this point.
Thanks for your input, Julia, Wesley says dismissively, but
we need to press forward because the competition already has a head
start.
Are we doing this because vieMart jumped the gun? she de-
mands assertively. What if theyre wrong? What if were wrong?
Wont we look foolish if we jump into this with no reliable demo-
graphical data?
Her persistence finally gets the teams attention and they agree to talk
about demographic data.
In her book, Say What You MeanGet What You Want, Jud Tingley offers
several examples of the broken record technique. One of them lays out a re-
peated message in a discussion of a companys policy. The speaker says, I
think different policies would work. The next time, the speaker states, I think
we need to change the transfer policy now. The third time, the speaker de-
livers the flip side of the message, Similar policies for different situations
isnt a good solution. This speaker successfully drives home the same message
with slightly altered words.
Most people back down when others ignore their ideas. They give up,
but you dont have to. Instead, be persistent. Use the broken record technique
to get your ideas onto the agenda. This will help you feel and be more assertive.
Put yourself in the following situation. Your desktop computer is showing signs of an impending
hard drive failure. Youre concerned about losing your data to a disk crash. Also, if the drive fails,
youll be unproductive for several days while tech support gets a new machine, loads it with your
software and backup files, and gets you back online. You dont want that to happen, but every time
you call tech support, they ignore your request with Were very busy this month.
Exercise 8-1
The Broken Record Technique
Exercise 8-1 continues on next page.
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ASSeRTIveNeSS AND DeAlINg WITH DIFFICUlT PeOPle 161
In this exercise, your job is to become the broken record in speaking to your contact at tech
support. To do that, create a concise, clear, and compelling message that states your concern and
asks them to address it quickly. Every time your listener ignores that message, respond with a
slightly altered version.
1. Create your core message here. Keep it concise, clear, and compelling. And assertive!
2. The tech support employee says, Yeah, it could be a hard drive problem, but maybe not. I
can get someone to look at it in about two weeks. What is your response? Remember to
stay on message.
3. Well, if the drive fails before we can get to it, says the tech support employee brusquely,
well simply replace it. That will only take a few days. What is your broken record response?
Repeat what youve been saying, but in a different way.
Fogging
Another technique, this one created by Manuel Smith in his book, When I Say
No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy, is
called fogging. Its particularly useful when handling someones criticism of
you. Through this technique, you create a verbal fog to shroud the criticism
and make it less sharp. You do this by agreeing to the part of the criticism
thats true. This placates your critic and leaves him or her without much else
to say, as in the following two examples:
Robert is packing his things at work and leaving early because he
needs to take his daughter to the dentist. A co-worker, les, looks at
others in the office and zings, Isnt that just like Robert, leaving
work early and leaving us to wrap up?
Robert knows that he has gone home early on occasions, but re-
ally not much more often than others. less remark is an attempt to
induce guilt or shame. Youre right, les, he say, I sometimes leave
work before the end of the day. When I do, I come in early the next
morning to make up for it.
A fellow employee criticizes you for not being a team player. Specif-
ically, she complains that youve been slow in responding to e-mails
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from team members, which delays their work. You recognize that
theres some truth to this. Youre often so caught up in your work
that you put off responding for a day or two. You say, Yes, it does
seem like Im not a team player when I dont get right back to you.
Ill answer your e-mails promptly from now on and keep you up-to-
date on my part of our projects. This response leaves the critic with
little more to say.
As these examples show, fogging can help you deflect hurtful criticism.
Yet, it also pushes you to take an honest look at yourself and your behavior.
When criticism has a kernel of truth, acknowledge it and say what youll do
to deal with the problem. Then, follow through what you have promised.
negative inquiry
A third technique Manuel Smith created is the negative inquiry. It helps you
deal with criticism while you gain more information about whats behind it.
Negative inquiry may begin with the phrase, I dont understand, followed
by a question. lets look at an example:
les says, Isnt that like Robert, leaving work early?
Robert responds, I dont understand. What is it about my leav-
ing early that concerns you? les says it means that others have to
complete more tasks, turn off the photocopy machine, and turn on
the alarm.
Robert again asks, Why does having to do those tasks on occa-
sion bother you, les? Robert keeps digging to find out what les
and his co-workers are upset about. He learns that they must do all
the office close-down chores themselves, which he seldom does. So,
he offers to do these more often.
You can also use negative inquiry by leaving off the I dont understand
part and getting right to the question. For example, So, my leaving early con-
cerns you? or What do I do that isnt being a team player? In each case, this
technique deflects the persons criticism of you as an individual to a criticism
of a particular behavior. The two of you can then talk objectively about the
behavior, taking the focus off you.
Negative inquiry is another way to ask probing questions that dig be-
neath the surface of an issue. Its an especially assertive technique because
you seek information about your job performance and show an interest in
maintaining your relationships.
DisArmingThe workPlAce Bully
Do you remember the 160-pound fifth grader who used to grab your hat and
toss it on top of the neighbors garage? So, wanna do something about it? he
would laugh. This was the same annoying moron that others would cross the
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ASSeRTIveNeSS AND DeAlINg WITH DIFFICUlT PeOPle 163
street to avoidthe neighborhood bully.
Bullying is intentionally causing harm to others, usually by people who
are bigger, stronger, more aggressive, or who have more social, or organiza-
tional power than their targets. It happens routinely on school playgrounds
and can also be seen in the workplace, where it is expressed through verbal
and sexual harassment, name-calling, coercion, manipulation, isolation, and
mocking of the less powerful. Criticizing the targets appearance, ethnicity,
religion, or race is also a method of bullying. The bullys motivations may be:
If a co-worker bully criticizes you, remind that person that I dont work
for you.
If a bullying boss criticizes your work, ask for specifics about performance
shortfalls. As a boss, he or she should have developed and shared with you
a set of performance metrics linked to your job description (such as the
number of sales calls per day, timely responses to customer inquiries, etc.).
If your boss cant demonstrate that youve fallen short of these metrics, he
or she may stop.
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ASSeRTIveNeSS AND DeAlINg WITH DIFFICUlT PeOPle 165
Document every incident. You may have to take this problem to a higher
authority if you cannot settle it yourself. With that in mind, begin building
a case from the beginning. Create a record of every incident: what hap-
pened, what was said by whom, the date and time, and the names of any
witnesses. Subtlely let the bully know that you are documenting his or her
bad behavior. That alone may put an end to the problem.
Blow the whistle
If you counter with any of the tactics described above, your bully might back
off, especially if weaker, less assertive victims are available. And if youre allied
with strong people, or known to be documenting each offense, the bully may
think youre too dangerous to deal with. On the other hand, this person might
not be totally rational. He or she may consider your assertive resistance a per-
sonal challengea worthy target for domination. In that case, the bullying
will escalate.
If that happens, the best course is to report the bullying behavior. If a
co-worker is the problem, speak with your boss. If your boss is the offender,
contact the human resource department. In either case, having a well-docu-
mented record of the various incidents will help you greatly and increase the
likelihood that something will be done.
A well-managed organization has real incentives for giving cases like yours
its attention. If you are a valued employee, it doesnt want to lose you or have
your productivity impaired by a rogue employee. Further, if you are being ha-
rassed, its possible that the bully is doing the same to others, reducing produc-
tivity and workplace satisfaction more generallyand at the companys expense.
If the company does not come to your aid, consider a legal remedy. Con-
sult an attorney with experience in labor law.
get yourself out of the Bulls-eye
Unfortunately, not every organization takes employee complaints seriously.
Further, your human resources department may lack the backbone to stand
up to a workplace bully, especially if he or she is highly placed in the organ-
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ization. Be prepared for a lukewarm, if not cold, response.
If you can obtain no redress from company officials, and if your assertive
responses to the bully arent working, you are in a bind. You can continue to
tough it out, surrounding yourself all the more with your workplace allies, or
you can consider another option: getting yourself out of the bulls-eye.
To get yourself out of the bulls-eye, you must disappear as a target, ei-
ther by moving to another department or by taking a job outside the company.
This may be a bitter pill, and it can be costly in terms of retirement benefits,
lost seniority, and so forth. But no one should stay in a toxic working envi-
ronment. Moving on is a demonstration of self-empowerment and personal
courageboth assertive acts. And who knows, you might soon find yourself
asking (as many do), Why didnt I leave that place sooner?
Have you had any experience with a workplace bully, either as a target or as an observer? What
was this persons position relative to his or her target (boss, co-worker, peer)?
What type of bullying behavior was involved?
Was the company aware of that behavior, and if it was, what did it do about it?
What did the target do in response to this bullying? Was that response effective or not?
Think About It . . .
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ASSeRTIveNeSS AND DeAlINg WITH DIFFICUlT PeOPle 167
Looking back on the experience, what would have been the most effective response to this persons
bad behavior?
In this chapter, you learned how to deal with difficult peo-
pleunhappy customers, aggressive rivals, and so forth, using
the following techniques:
Negative inquiry. This technique uses probing questions to learn more about
the difficult behavior or performance. It may be useful when youre being
criticized.
The balance of the chapter concerned bullies and how to deal with their
behavior. Bullying is a feature of many workplaces and can negatively affect
the lives of many employees. You learned about the goals and behavior of bul-
lies, and how they target individuals in order to control them and to fuel their
own fragile sense of self-esteem. You learned several ways of dealing with bul-
lies: developing supportive alliances, documenting incidents, getting out of
the bullys sights, and seeking a remedy with a higher authority.
RECAP
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1. Which of the following best represents a negative inquiry? 1. (c)
(a) Youre right, its not good to wait until the last minute, is it?
(b) No, I do understand, why dont you?
(c) I dont understand. What is it about my meeting management skills
that concerns you?
(d) Is it not time to move forward on our new branding initiative?
2. Which of the following is the most suitable technique for dealing 2. (c)
with a person who ignores what you say?
(a) Fogging
(b) Negative inquiry
(c) Broken record technique
(d) Screaming rant defense
3. A person who has a need to control others or to reduce their 3. (a)
self-esteem is:
(a) a bully.
(b) an angry customer.
(c) a user of negative inquiry technique.
(d) an assertive manager.
4. An acceptable technique for dealing with a screaming person who 4. (c)
has focused his or her hostility on you personally it to:
(a) make a concession.
(b) accept the hostility.
(c) walk away.
(d) scream back.
5. A technique that creates a verbal shroud around a difficult persons 5. (d)
criticism, and make it less sharp is called:
(a) obfuscation.
(b) cognitive dissonance.
(c) negative inquiry.
(d) fogging.
Review Questions
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Learning Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you should be able
to:
Define influence.
The passive person does not stand up for his or her interests or views, but
subordinates them to those of others; the assertive person speaks his or her
mind and makes clear his or her agenda.
The passive person does not share his or her views or what he or her sees
as important, and, therefore is not on other peoples radar; the assertive per-
son does the opposite.
Transforming to the assertive mode has another important workplace
benefit: it gives a person the opportunity to exercise influence. A person who has
developed assertiveness is in a position to influence people and events and to
contribute more fully to the organization and to his or her own satisfaction.
Possessing assertiveness will assure that you wont be treated as a doormat. In
From Assertiveness
to Influence
9
169
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that sense, it is both self-serving and self-protecting. If you want to make a
real mark in your workplace, however, you must do more than serve or protect
yourself; you must expand that assertiveness beyond your personal needs and in-
terests to the needs and interests of the a larger organization. You will need to
develop and exercise influence. This chapter will help you understand influ-
ence, its function in the workplace, and how you can use it for the benefit of
your organization and for your own career.
WhAtIs InFluence?
Influence is the ability to change the thinking or behavior of others without
compulsion, threats, or formal orders. In this sense it is closely related to per-
suasion. Every organization, industry, and field of endeavor contains individ-
uals who have this ability. Some individuals have exercised influence on a
grand scale. Consider the late W. Edwards Deming (1900-1997), who was one
of the founders of the quality movement that transformed manufacturing and
service industries worldwide.
Deming earned a B.S. in engineering from the University of Colorado,
then went on to earn a Ph.D. in physics at Yale University. Early in his career
in industry, Deming came in contact with Walter Shewhart, a pioneering stat-
istician then working at AT&Ts Bell Laboratories. Shewhart was successfully
applying his statistical craft to quality control problems in AT&Ts manufac-
turing operations. What Deming learned from Shewhart, he further developed
and began applying to American industry. During World War II, he and his
associates trained thousands of manufacturing managers in the principles of
quality control, helping U.S.industry turn out more and better quality goods
for the war effort. Once the war was over, Deming was one of many technical
experts brought to Japan by the U.S. occupation government, which was help-
ing its leaders rebuild their war-torn economy. At their invitation, Deming
delivered a series of lectures on statistical quality control to Japanese managers
and engineers. Japanese products, he told them, had a bad reputation. (In those
days, Made in Japan meant shoddy, cheap junk.) Only the adoption of better
manufacturing methods based on quality control principles, Deming argued,
would change that reputation and put the country back on the map as an im-
portant industrial nation.
Demings lectures made such an impression that he was invited to con-
duct a series of courses for Japanese manufacturing engineers. From that small
beginning, Demings concepts were propagated around the country; almost
15,000 engineers and managers were trained in his methods of statistical qual-
ity control. The quality movement became an obsession in post-war Japanese
industry, and Deming, who was widely admired and respected, was its leading
guru. The Union of Japanese Scientists and Engineers eventually established
the annual Deming Award to honor their American mentor and the corpo-
rations that embraced his quality principles. Meanwhile, across the Pacific,
American industry was basking in post-war prosperity; the quality principles
it had learned from Shewhart and Deming went slowly out of fashion.
By the 1970s, exports from Japan were coming into American markets,
Exercise 9-1 continues on next page.
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FrOM ASSErTIvEnESS TO InFLUEnCE 171
where they enjoyed enormous success. These Made in Japan productsau-
tomobiles, motorcycles, consumer electronics, outboard motors, lawnmowers,
and so forthwere no longer stigmatized as cheap junk, but were considered
as the best-made products in the world. Products built by Sony, Toyota, nis-
san, Honda, and other Japanese companies were now taking huge chunks of
business away from their U.S. competitors. Before long, American CEOs were
begging Deming to teach his principles of statistical quality control both to
them and their managers, and Deming, already in his 70s, became the most
sought after consultant in the nation. He remained active as a consultant and
author almost to the end of his life at age 97. And wherever he spoke, he drew
large crowds.
In the world of modern industry, few people have exercised as much in-
fluence as W. Edwards Deming. As a solo consultant to industry, Deming had
no formal powerno large organization or money behind him. He had no
formal authority to command anyone to do anything. In a world that glorifies
youth, he was usually twice the age of the people with whom he worked. But
Deming was an assertive person armed with compelling ideas, which he of-
fered with disarming clarity and logic. Those qualities made him an effective
agent of change.
Its possible that you had never heard of W. Edwards Deming before reading the above passages.
However, youve probably known people who, like Deming, have wielded considerable influence
in the nation, in your community, in your industry, or where you work. Think of one person in par-
ticular, then answer the following questions:
1. Who was this person?
2. In what sphere did this person exert influence (political life, the workplace)?
3. Describe this persons personal qualities as best you understand them.
4. Did this person exhibit passive, assertive, or aggressive behavior?
Exercise 9-1
Your Experiences with Influence
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5. What do you believe was the source (or sources) of this persons influence?
6. How did this persons influence manifest itself (such as, people generally went along with his
or her suggestions, etc.)?
the Role oF InFluence In the
WoRkplAce
If you visit the executive suite of your company or the human resources de-
partment, you can obtain an organization chart like the one in Exhibit 9-1,
which describes the various departments, function, and reporting relation-
ships. On paper, this shows how the parts of the company are interrelated,
who reports to whom, how orders are passed down from the top, and how in-
formation is passed up from lower levels to the top. But, as everyone who
works in organizations understands, the organization chart fails to explain the
full story, as these examples indicate:
Because of his assertive advocacy for a new product line, Bill, a mar-
ket research analyst, has influence far in excess of his organizational
stature: the vice President of Manufacturing is very interested in
Bills ideas, and even the Chief Operating Officer is talking with him.
Jill, the head of Human resources, officially reports to the Chief
Operating Officer, but the new CEO is so interested in her program
for improving employee retention that he meets with her for coffee
several times each month. If shes successful, he tells people, we
could reduce employee turnover by 10 percent and save $4 million
a year in recruiting and training costs.
vera, a new district sales manager working out of Santa Fe, has
dramatically increased sales in her district. Because of her success
and irrepressible self-confidence, other sales managers and field
sales representatives listen carefully to whatever she has to say about
selling techniques and customer service. Some have adopted her
methods. When vera talks, people listen.
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FrOM ASSErTIvEnESS TO InFLUEnCE 173
Hermans teammates are worried to the point of panic about
what will happen to their project if their company is acquired by a
larger corporation, as appears to be happening behind closed doors.
We could all be laid off, one team member frets. Yes, says an-
other, and this project weve worked on so long will be terminated.
All that work will go down the drain.
Herman doesnt speculate about every bad thing that could
happen. He reminds his teammates that the company hasnt been
sold, and, if it is, We have a strong project going. Any new owner
will want to reap the benefit of our workand keep us on the pay-
roll. So lets just do our jobs and not worry about things we cannot
control. His confident, positive attitude helps calm peoples nerves
and keep them focused on their work.
David is the CEO of a medium-sized company, which is faced
with a serious cash problem. The recession has cut company rev-
enues, and expenses have to be trimmed to keep the bottom line in
the black. Working through his managers, David has asked each de-
partment to find ways to reduce spending. But he has gone a step
further by visibly cutting back on his own spending. Instead of flying
to meetings, he has begun teleconferencing from his office. When
he does travel, he flies coach instead of first class and stays at budget
hotels. People notice Davids example and accept his cost-cutting
mandate without complaint. They quickly find ways to reducing
spending without damaging morale or productivity.
xhibit 9-1
Generic Organizational Chart
Board of Directors
Marketing
Sales
Advertising
Service
Research
Controller
Treasurer
Cash Management
nvestor Relations
Maintenance
Purchasing
nventory
Scheduling
Training
Benefits
Planning
Finance Manufacturing Human
Resources
CEO
COO
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In each of these examples, someone is exerting influence on the thinking
or behavior of others. notice that this influence is a function of either that
persons demeanor, ideas, know-how, or performance, and not of organiza-
tional power. This is how influence works in organizations. Its difficult to
imagine how an organization can function in the absence of the moving force
of influence, which is essential to: