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Moving On by Fitz
1. Chapter 1 - The Funeral
I realized that I was frozen in place. I looked at the coffin in front of me and then down at the single white rose that I held in my hand. Forcing myself to move, I took a few steps and looked down upon Steve. My husband took my breath away every time I looked at him. Why should today be any different? I placed the rose on his chest, and leaned forward to give him one final kiss. Fighting tears, I quickly returned to my seat. As I sat, they closed his coffin. My name is Scott Hudgins. Today I am burying my husband. On my left side, my father held my hand gently, while my brother did the same on my right. Others would have called it a beautiful day. It was mid-July, yet the temperature was surprisingly mild, and there were few clouds in the sky. If it had been any other day, it would have been perfect. Instead, the weather just made me feel even worse. It just wasn't fair. It's supposed to rain at a funeral. At least the cool sting of rain on my face would force me to feel something. Anything. A pastor I had never met before stood and began to speak. I'm sure every word he said was touching. I didn't hear any of it. I was too lost in my head, still trying to process everything that had happened in the past three days. My parents, Michael and Felicia Hudgins, along with my brother, Ethan, and his new wife, Emma, had gotten on the first plane out of Washington DC when they found out. I had been Ethan's best man just 6 weeks ago. Mine and Steve's best friends from college, Dustin and Michelle Smithson, also dropped everything to fly down from Baltimore and be there for me. Had it not been for them, along with our neighbors, Chris and Sarah, I don't think I'd have been able to survive until the funeral. Even still, I wasn't sure how much longer I could take all the pain burning deep inside. My entire body felt like it was literally being ripped apart. My heart was somehow being crushed while simultaneously exploding. I'm pretty sure somewhere in there I may have had an actual heart attack. I really wouldn't have even noticed. I noticed Dick get up and speak. Richard O'Neil, that is. Steve's father. I was the only person I've ever known to call him that. On the best days we tolerated each other. After the events of the past few days, I could honestly say that I hated that man and his bitch of a wife, Lydia. They had done this to him. He never wanted any of this. Steve's twin brother, Tom, was standing awkwardly to the side. I know he needed me to be there for him, but I couldn't even look at him. Until a few days ago, we'd been close. I couldn't even bear the thought of knowing that a carbon copy of him was still walking around, perfectly alive, while he was dead. I noticed movement, which snapped my eyes back into focus for a moment. Dick was returning to his seat as Michelle walked up to speak. I really tried to listen to her speak. She's always been one of the two people in the entire world who can always make me feel better no matter how badly I'm hurting. Steve was the other one. Truthfully, I didn't want to feel better. I wanted the pain. I deserved the pain. Besides, I knew what she was going to say. "He was wonderful." "He was amazing." "He was perfect."

He was gone. I decided to tune her out. Michelle would be mad at me later if she found out, but I honestly didn't care at the moment. I wasn't caring too much about anything. I looked around, noticing that there was a very large crowd. I hadn't even noticed. Much later, Tom would tell me that virtually every person that Steve and I had met in our nearly nine years together had shown up to show their respects. He had that type of effect on people. I really only remember seeing bodies. My brain had decided that it had processed all that it could and had simply given up. I was pulled out of my thoughts when Ethan nudged me gently. "Dude, it's your turn, c'mon." He helped me up to my feet and half carried me the few feet to the stand that had been positioned for the ceremony. Ethan stood beside me, giving me support. "I know what you want to say. Just remember where we are, please, bro," he whispered. His hand gently gripped my shoulder. I cleared my throat and started to speak. "He was possibly the greatest person that I have ever known. No one ever met him and didn't immediately become his new best friend. He was gentle, caring, and loving..." At this point my voice broke. My entire body was shaking. I could feel my last bit of will power fading. The one part that kept me from saying or doing something that I might regret. From saying what I really felt. From saying the truth. "Bro, please don't do this now," Ethan almost growled in my ear. He could read me like a book. I also think he knew that I needed to do this. "Fuck this!" I said loudly. "This is a sham and most of you know it. We have been married for a year. We have the certificate from D.C. Superior Court framed in our living room. Many of you were at that wedding! And yet, since we have the audacity to move to a state that doesn't recognize it, nothing I say matters." I looked around for a moment and saw looks of shock and horror from the entire crowd. Then I looked directly at the object of my unbridled hatred. "Dick ," I said, with as much venom as I could muster. "When's the last time you talked to your son about his last requests? Did you know that we had talked many times. In fact, he wanted stipulations in our wills regarding last rights. I shot him down. I figured that no one would be a big enough asshole to question me as to what he wanted. And yet here we are." I threw my arms up angrily, indicating the cemetery that Steve had always found strangely charming. "Here we fucking are!! He wanted to be cremated and placed in a beautiful urn. He wanted a small ceremony with just our families, gathered on a beautiful and remote tropical island. He wanted his ashes spread in the sand and tide while we drank fucking mai tais and toasted his life. He wanted his sendoff to be a vacation for us and a celebration of his life. And yet, HERE WE FUCKING ARE!!!" My entire body was still shaking like a leaf. Ethan still had his hand on my shoulder, knowing that this wasn't the proper place for my rant, but also knowing that I needed to get it off my chest. My mom was holding my dad back from launching himself at Richard. Dad hadn't known any of this. He loved Scott like a third son and would have moved entire mountain ranges for him, had Steve even mentioned in passing that he liked the idea. Richard looked like he wanted to rip me apart. Only the fact that Lydia was crying hysterically and clutching his chest prevented him from doing so. I knew I had said too much. Still, I couldn't stop myself. "Every single God damn one of you are complicit in this charade that Dick has decided is in the best interest of everyone except his own son. Today we are here to bury him. Shouldn't what he wants matter to anyone other than me? Am I the only person in attendance who is not some brainless moron with nothing better to do than undermine the wishes of the dead?

"Fuck this! I need to get out of here." I shrugged my shoulder out from Ethan's hand and I started to leave. I vaguely recall Ethan trying to catch up and Emma's voice telling him to let me go, that I needed some space. I did. So I ran.

2. Chapter 2 - Requiem
I ran, pushing myself as fast and as hard as I could even though I was wearing a suit. I must have been quite a sight for anyone that I passed. My face was red with exertion, sweat forcing my pale brown hair to form odd clumps, and tears were streaming down my face. I knew that today I could run for quite a while. Even if I hadn't been in good shape, my adrenalin levels were through the roof. Combine that with the stress and emotions that I had been holding in for the past three days, and I was currently an unstoppable force. As I ran, I allowed my mind to wander and to think back on our life together. I was the tall one. I used to tease Steve that he was a shrimp at 5'9". He would respond that I was only 6'1" because I had my entire head shoved up my ass. He argued that if I ever managed to extract myself, I would discover that I was actually seven feet tall. We used to joke and tease each other constantly. There were very few occasions, most of them very early in our nine-year relationship, where one of us would actually offend the other. We made it our mission to try to outdo the other with the jabs we would throw back and forth. Whoever couldn't manage a reasonable comeback first was the loser. The winner's prize was having yet another thing to tease the loser about. It was our favorite game, and we were quite equally matched. The game was especially fun when we found ourselves in awkward social situations. People could never figure out that we were just messing with each other until we broke down laughing. We both kept each other in good shape. He was the best workout buddy anyone could ever ask for. Of course, the fact that every exercise I did accentuated one attribute or another in a manner that drove Steve crazy, was a perfect motivator. Simply working out made me seem sexy to him. And I was very happy with the motivation. At 28, I still had the flat stomach I had worked so hard to get in college. My chest was reasonably well defined, I had great legs, and my arms were decent. I never spent much time focusing on toning my arms, because Steve couldn't check out my ass as easily. And I was always happy to oblige his lecherous looks. Obviously, the motivation went both ways. He would love to see my hair now, I thought. All clumped and matted with sweat. Steve always teased me mercilessly for the amount of time I spent putting gel in and mussing it just to make it look like I'd just gotten out of bed. He actually tried to get me to just go out immediately after waking up and see if anyone noticed the difference. I would never give in, because I knew he was right. But I loved my hair. Before we met, it was too long to do anything with. Then, I started cutting it too short to do anything with. If asked in 'polite company', Steve would always tell people that his favorite part of my body was my eyes my bright blue eyes that he claimed had a hypnotic power over him. I kept threatening to try them out on other people and see if everyone was similarly affected. On the other hand, if the person asking was a friend, or Steve was feeling particularly horny, when asked, he'd immediately tell them about my 8.5 inch cock. I always acted mortified when he told people, and I would always respond by telling him that I don't talk about his three inch dick like that. It was actually a quite satisfying seven, but it isn't as much fun to tease him for being well endowed. And Steve wasn't exaggerating when he told people about me. He was bragging. My thoughts continued to wander as I started to push myself harder, and I began to think back a few days ago. I had gone out to buy some groceries. Steve had given me the list, like usual. It'd only been a couple days, but I can't honestly remember what set me off. Something on the list irritated me. We had a brief spat before I left, with the little annoyances of the last few days being aired. I don't remember what they were. I

don't remember what was said. All I remember was the last words out of my mouth as I closed the door. "You know I love you, but sometimes you really fucking piss me off!" I swear I wasn't that mad, and nothing completely out of the ordinary for me to say to him during one of our spats. But that's what I said. My last words to him. When I came home about an hour later, I grabbed all the bags I could, and stumbled to the door. It was open. Something was wrong. I dropped the bags, and I heard glass jars breaking. Like a bolt of lightning, I was inside the house. Steve was lying on his back in the middle of the living room. His blood was pooling out from under him, staining the hardwood that had been the selling point to him when we bought this house a year ago. He was coughing and sputtering, barely able to take a breath, and he didn't even seem to have the strength to open his eyes. I yelled his name and dropped down to him. He had been shot twice once in the abdomen and once in the chest. I tried to put all of my weight on those two points, thinking maybe I could stop the blood from leaving his body. Maybe I could keep my husband alive. Suddenly, his eyes opened, and he looked directly into mine. "Scott," he managed to wheeze, "Don't" His entire body went limp. I knew he was gone. I just threw myself on top of him, sobbing and rocking, hoping that by doing so I could bring him back. Suddenly, I was torn out of reliving the worst day of my life, when I ran into something. I fell over, and as I looked up, and all I could see where brilliant green eyes. They were so intriguing that I felt like I was being drawn in. I blinked, and shook my head. I was hoping to somehow clear the fog that had been filling my mind since he died. I realized that I was in front of a coffee shop about two miles from the cemetery that I had just fled from. I assumed from the rainbow flags in front of the store that it was gay friendly, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways. This was one of the sections of town with very a large gay population. I was just about to start running again when my personal roadblock stuck out his hand and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Will Drake. Sorry for getting in your way! Where are you going in such a hurry?" I thought about just blowing him off, but then I realized that I was still crying. The slow flow of gentle tears gave way to deep chest-heaving sobs as I began to let out only the beginnings of the sorrow that had consumed me. "Do you need someone to talk to?" He asked gently, rubbing my back. "I've been told I'm a great listener." I nodded in spite of myself. I think at that point, I just needed to get everything off my chest. Besides, I had never met this guy before. The worst that could happen is that I'd make a fool of myself and then never see him again. Will grabbed me by the shoulder and escorted me into a seat. I managed to introduce myself, but only barely. Will nodded his head as if to acknowledge that he had heard me. He just stared for a few moments before he started asking me questions. My guess is that he didn't catch my name through the sobs, and was just hoping that I would calm down before he started asking questions. After about ten minutes, I had managed to nearly cry myself out. To Will's credit, he didn't look embarrassed to be seen with a blubbering mess like me, nor did he look down at me with pity. His green eyes just looked like deep pools of concern. "So do you always literally knock people off their feet when you meet them? I mean, you didn't need to run into me to do that. Just seeing you in that suit is enough for me." Will asked. It just overwhelmed me. I

quickly stood up and started to head towards the door. Will was on his feet just as quickly. He gently grabbed my arm, stopping me mid-flight. "Sorry, I just assumed you were gay. Pretty much everyone in here is," Will said, pointing around the room. "I really didn't mean anything by it. I was just trying to ease the tension a little." I let out a deep breath. Will seemed to be genuinely interested in just being a friend. I realized that I desperately needed someone to talk to. I hadn't been able to talk to anyone yet. I didn't want my friends to know how deep my wounds ran. I slowly walked back to the table and sat down. "So where are you running from? If it wasn't Tuesday, I'd guess a wedding, so....Oh, shit! I'm so sorry." Will rambled as he tried to make conversation light until he inadvertently stuck his foot in his mouth again. "It's Steve," I could feel the tears welling up again. You would think that I wouldn't have any moisture left to cry out. "Steve...my husband. Steve di-" I just trailed off. I couldn't finish the sentence. Will just looked at me patiently. I noticed that his eyes were wet with unshed tears by now. "umm, He died." Will just nodded his head sympathetically. "Can I ask how Steve died? I'm not trying to push you, but maybe talking will make you feel better." I thought for a moment and began to speak. I told him about our little fight. How I left mad. How I never got to apologize. How I dropped the groceries when I saw his body lying in a pool of blood. How I held him as the life drained out of Him. I couldn't tell Will about his last words yet or the fact that he died mad at me. I continued to tell Will about the funeral, including what was going on in my head, and what I said to the crowd of supporters. While I had been hesitant to tell Will the details of his death, I spared no detail from the funeral. If the situation had been different, I'm sure that the story would have caused him to chuckle. Will had tears streaming down his face and wasn't even trying to hide them. He was clearly deeply moved by my story. I then noticed that I wasn't crying. For the first time in several days, my eyes were dry. I think I actually felt a little better. Not better, that's not the right word. Maybe it is. I really couldn't describe how I was actually feeling. Will cleared his throat and tried his best to smile for me to let me know that everything was going to be okay. I knew that it was a lie. Nothing could ever be okay again. All that was left of my life was pain and despair. "I want you to do something for me." Will said softly. "What's that?" "First, promise me that you will just try. That you won't get mad and run away. Please promise me." I had no clue where he was going with it. I didn't like it, but he'd been so kind listening as I told him my story. Apprehensively, I gave him my word that I would try. "I noticed the entire time you talked you never said Steve's name whenever you talked about his death. I want you to say 'Steve died'." I was angry for a moment, but his eyes only showed that he wanted to see if I could. I decided it was the least I could do, despite the pain. Will had been so patient. If I had been more thinking more rationally, I might have been a little taken aback that a complete stranger was being so kind and understanding. "St-St-Steve, um, Steve, um, Ste-Steve d-" was all I could stutter out. I couldn't say it. The words were just stuck in my throat. My cheeks were wet again. The tears had returned. "Look, my mind isn't fully functional right now. I know he's dead, at least most of me does. I just can't say it. It's too, I don't know..." I was struggling to find the rights words to convey my meaning, "final." At this point, I actually dropped my head into my hands, and started to cry. They were soft, not the painful sobs from earlier.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up over this. You tried. You're hurting worse than I can imagine right now, and yet you still allowed yourself to try to push yourself to say the one thing you don't want to admit has happened. I'm proud of you!" As he said that, I did feel better. And I mean actually better. It was by a miniscule amount, but it was progress. I realized what he was trying to do. He was just trying to help. I just hoped that we could become friends. If he could make me feel better, even by just a tiny fraction, in only an hour, I couldn't even begin to imagine how much he could help me repair my mind and heart if he became a friend. Will and I continued to talk for another hour or so. It was all idle small talk. He didn't talk about himself at all. I had already talked way too much about myself. We talked about the weather, movies, and even sports, which was laughable in hindsight. Neither one of us cared about sports at all. Still, we both did our best to convey knowledge about the local teams. I actually smiled a little when we started talking basketball. We were doing our best to talk about a sport neither of us had ever watched, let alone played. Neither of us even knew the name of the city's NBA team. That didn't stop us from trying. Will was great at leading the conversation. He carefully stayed away from anything that might be a painful subject for me. Whenever he sensed that he was venturing into a painful topic, such as a movie that Steve liked, he quickly changed started talking about something completely different. I really appreciated it. Suddenly, I became aware that I had been sitting there for a long time. "Shit!" I said, louder than I intended. "I have to get back. My family is probably still waiting for me." "Hand me your phone," Will said. "I'll program my number. Just call me if you ever need to talk again. You look better right now, but I'm sure things are going to get worse again. Just know that I'm here if you ever need a friendly ear." "Do you want me to give you my number?" I was hesitant. That was a step that I wasn't sure I was ready to take. It felt too much like I was pushing Steve out of my life. "Nope. Right now, my only concern is your well being. Besides, I'll get it whenever you decide to call me. By the way, did you know that you have 74 missed calls? Like, no shit. 74. They seem to mostly be from either an 'Ethan Hudgins', or a 'Tom O'Neil'." "That would be my brother, and Scott's brother. Tom must be really worried if he's calling. I haven't even been able to look at him since he showed up. They are identical twins." "I'm not sure that I would be able to look at him either. I think it would almost feel like you were looking at a mirage." The fact that Will was able to connect to my feelings made me feel a bit better about the feelings I was having towards Tom. My attitude may have been poor, but maybe my treatment of him was actually understandable considering the circumstances. Before Will handed me the phone back, it vibrated again with another incoming call. "It's Tom calling again. Do you want to answer it? If you want, I can talk to him instead." He was looking after me like a brother. His caring was genuine, and I had gotten no sense of unwanted interest in me after the initial comment. "Go ahead. I still can't stand to hear his voice. It's just too similar to Steve's." I had never had any problem telling the two of them apart. Somehow, I was even able to tell them apart in their baby pictures. I think it's because Steve and I dated for almost six months before I even met his brother. By that point, I was so familiar with everything about Steve, that to me they looked and sounded very different. But right now, they were just too similar. "Hello, this is Scott's phone," Will said. I could only hear the one side of the conversation, but I had a

"Hello, this is Scott's phone," Will said. I could only hear the one side of the conversation, but I had a pretty good sense of the conversation. "No, he's fine. He is sitting across from me at a coffee shop. He ran into me as I was walking, and he looked like he needed someone to talk to, so we went inside and started to talk." "Actually, he was just about to leave." "Ok, He'll be there soon." With that, Will hung up and handed my phone back to me. "C'mon," he said as he stood up from the table. "I'll drive you back. I'm not sure that you're ready to be alone with the thoughts going on in your head." I knew he was right, so I just followed him to his car without a word. As we got near the cemetery, my entire body started to tense. Will noticed and just gently put his hand on top of mine. Such a small gesture of support coming from someone that had been a complete stranger earlier in the day really helped to make me feel that it was somehow possible that everything might one day be okay. We pulled up at the cemetery, and he stopped the car. As I looked to his gravesite, I saw that Dick and Lydia were still there. "Can you walk up with me? I don't think I can face his parents alone." I asked him. "I understand if you have other things you need to do. You've already spent a lot of time today listening to a complete stranger exposing their soul." I quickly added. I then realized that this was the first time that I'd actually taken someone else's feelings into account since his death. It felt, well I'm not exactly sure how it felt. Maybe good? "You're right about me spending a lot of time with you today, but you needed it. That's more important than running errands. Besides, it won't take the rest of the day. I can spare a few more minutes," Will said, as he turned off the car and started to get out, undermining any chance I had at checking to see if he was sure. "Thank you," was all I was able to offer in response. "For everything. Really." He followed a few feet behind me as I walked back to his grave. Mom and Dad, Emma and Ethan, and Michelle and Dustin were talking with Tom, while Lydia and Dick were standing next to his grave. Everyone else had already left. Not that I was surprised. I had been gone for two hours, so the funeral had been over for a while. As soon as Richard saw me approaching, he stormed over to me. Dad and Ethan saw this and came running in case things became violent. "Listen to me, you little shit. I don't know where in the hell you get off making a mockery of my son's funeral. I am his father, and that means more than just a silly little piece of paper. It means that I have my son's best interests at heart, and I'm not going to allow for second guessing by some faggot!" I staggered as if I had been slapped. Actually, more like I had just been hit in the face with a brick. I looked over and noticed Dustin, Emma, and Michelle trying to restrain my dad and Ethan, who wanted nothing more than to tear Dick limb from limb. "I actually thought that you had feelings for my son," Dick continued in his rant. "Instead, you cause a scene, leave his funeral and come back with some new toy that you've probably been fucking since the moment you left the cemetery." Thankfully, with that Dick stormed off, grabbing Lydia as they left the cemetery. As the tension slowly lifted, everyone slowly began to talk quietly. Everyone seemed to be avoiding me, but I guess they were just trying to give me some space. Will stood awkwardly about 10 feet from me, very unsure what to do. Just as Tom started to walk over to me, I saw Michelle and Emma walk over and start to engage Will in

Just as Tom started to walk over to me, I saw Michelle and Emma walk over and start to engage Will in conversation. "Hey," Tom said, obviously unsure what to say to me. "Hey," I responded. It was the first word that I had managed to say to Steve's twin after his death. Tom realized that, and it seemed to break some of the tension between the two of us. "I hope you know that he doesn't mean any of that, right?" Tom asked. "I've never seen him act the way he has until since Steve, well you know." "Yeah, despite all of our differences in the past, he's never really seemed hateful. I just wish he would realize how badly I'm hurting." "I think that there's a lot of that going around. I'm not sure anyone is really paying attention to how much other people are hurting at the moment," Tom added showing off the insight that had made us grow so close over the years. "Whatever," I responded. I wasn't in the mood to think about how other people were feeling, let alone care. "So what's up with that guy? I know you, so I know that Dad was completely wrong, but I don't think I've ever met him before. Besides, if I had, he would've already been here." I proceeded to tell him about running into Will, literally, and finding solace in a stranger. "Maybe it's the fact that he doesn't know me, doesn't know Steve, or anyone else that I know. It just felt good to talk. We were just about to leave when you called. I never expected him to offer me a ride back. When I saw Dick, I just couldn't walk up here alone." "Scott, please remember that Steve would want you to move on. If this Will guy is that person, then go for it." I could tell that Tom was trying to be helpful, but I just wasn't having anything to with any part of that statement. "First off, how can you tell me that Steve would want me to forget about the last nine years of my life? Second, the only feelings I have for Will are akin to the same feelings I have for Ethan. Or you. Any feelings that I have for him are entirely platonic." Before Tom had the chance to respond, our conversation was interrupted by a loud slap behind me. I spun around in time to see Will recoil as Dustin grabbed Michelle and pull her away. "How DARE you?!?!" Michelle screeched. I hadn't heard that tone since her and I had walked in on her then-boyfriend having sex with her roommate sophomore year of college. "Don't you have sense of decency? He just buried his husband!" With those last words, I felt the all too familiar tears begin to fall. It was somewhat comforting to cry. Even though I wasn't able to feel any emotions anymore, it was reassuring that I was apparently still having them. More than anything, I was confused as to what set Michelle off like that. She was always the calm in the center of the storm. "This fucker just told me that he thinks you're hot. The nerve! YOU BASTARD!" Michelle informed me as she tried once again to lunge at a very terrified Will. Ethan and Emma were quick to jump between Will and Michelle just in case she managed to break free from her husband. "Stop it!" Emma yelled. Michelle froze mid-lunge. Dustin loosened his grip a little, and she almost fell before he helped her find her balance.

"I really didn't mean anything by it! That's not even what I said! I just mentioned that Scott was good looking. I wasn't about to throw myself at him or anything. It's not my fault that I find him attractive. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now. All I know is that he's hurting and he opened up to me. Why me, I don't know. But I do know that I'm going to be there for him if he ever needs anyone to talk to. I'll listen, and I promise that I won't act on my attraction unless Scott makes it clear that he feels the same way." Michelle thought for a second before deciding that Will was telling the truth. Slowly she relaxed. Dustin noticed this and released his grip on her. Ethan turned to Will. "Dude, everyone here has gone through something terribly tragic today. I want to apologize to you for all of our actions, even that bastard Richard. None of us have yet to figure out how to channel our emotions, and unfortunately you are getting the brunt of it right now. You seem like a pretty chill guy, but please leave. No offense, but we just need time to relax." "No, I get it. I knew that by getting out of the car, I would end up facing the pointy-end of the stick. Scott, are you okay if I head out?" I just nodded "Good. You have my phone number if you ever need to talk." With that Will turned and left the cemetery. My parents came up to the group. "We were hoping to spend some more time with you before we left, Scott," my dad said. "But as it stands, we really have to hurry to make our flight. I have to fly to Tokyo for a meeting tomorrow morning. I'll have my phone on me if you ever need to talk." "Honey, promise me that you're going to be okay," Mom said, hugging my goodbye. "I know you are hurting worse than you ever thought it was possible, but trust me that it will get better. I really hate that we have to leave while you are hurting, but unfortunately life goes on." "Not for him it won't," I moaned. "Promise me," she repeated in my ear, rubbing my back. As she pulled away, I managed to nod my head slightly. She saw it, and I think she even believed it. Just as my parents were walking away, Tom came up. "I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you, even if you aren't ready for that yet. I'm going to head back to the hotel, but call me if you need anything." Silently, I walked back to Ethan's car with Ethan and Emma right following me. Dustin shouted out that he'd see us back at the house as he and Michelle walked back to theirs. Even after everything that happened that day, I still did not want it to end. I did not want to go back home. I knew that as soon as I got there, more memories would surface.

3. Chapter 3 - Coping
As Ethan's car pulled up in front of mine and Steve's house, I immediately noticed a change. The large windows had been covered by ugly, black security bars. A new security door had been installed, as well. I then noticed the small form of Sarah waiting on the front steps. She stood up as everyone got out of the cars.

"What the hell, Sarah?" I asked as we approached the porch. "What did you do?" There were three reasons that Steve had fallen in love with this house. The first was the large porch that wrapped itself around the side of the house. The second was the many large windows. The third was the hardwood floors that ran through the entire house. The third reason had been ruined on that fateful day and the second had now been marred. I was definitely not pleased to have a confrontation on the other thing that Steve loved most about our house. "I know you're mad at me. I knew you would be," Sarah explained. "But Chris and I had a friend install the security bars and door while everyone was at the funeral. You would have refused." "Of course I would have! I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own house! Besides," my voice dropped as I spoke to almost a mumble as I finished, "he wouldn't want me to live in fear." "But that's just it, Scott. You have been living in fear! Any noise or sign of movement in or around the house and you freak out. Please, just promise me that you'll leave them on. I'll bring the subject up again in a few weeks, and if you still aren't happy I will take them down personally. "I also want you to get a security system installed. We would have had it done while you were out, but we needed your permission. Just think about it. Chris and I just want you to have a chance to relax." I understood exactly what she was saying. I may not have been happy with it, but maybe the extra visible security would help. I looked over my shoulder at Ethan. "Couldn't hurt, bro. I say go for it. Besides, Dustin and I will be in the house when they come. You can just stay in the bedroom or something. You won't even notice them." I just nodded to Sarah. She smiled. "Good, I'll tell Chris as soon as I get home. Oh, here are the keys to the new door, by the way." I just passed them on to Ethan, who opened the door and everyone started to walk in. Sarah grabbed my arm before I got inside. "One more thing. I really think that you should tell them the truth. Friends and family can help, but only if they know everything." "I can't tell anyone. It would destroy them. I'm just so ashamed of what I did." "Trust me, they won't care. In fact, I'm sure they'd understand." Emma, who was still in the doorway, overheard the conversation. She came back onto the porch. Ethan, Dustin, and Michelle quickly followed. Realizing that our conversation had been overheard, I went pale. "Wait. Were you two having an affair?" Emma asked, bluntly. That was close. I really thought I was going to be busted, but Emma's guess was too far off the mark. "What? NO! Ugh. Are you kidding me? Do you really think that I would cheat on him with HER?" I didn't even need to look to see Sarah's face. As soon as I had said those words, I knew immediately how they came across. "Sorry, Sarah. I didn't mean it that way, it's just that, well, you're not my type. Obviously." "Relax. I knew what you meant. Besides, Emma, Steve had his claws so deep into Scott that if I ever managed to get to him, his entire back would be covered in scratch marks. Well, more than usual." I couldn't help myself. The mental image was too perfectly Steve for me. It was painful, but I felt the corners

I couldn't help myself. The mental image was too perfectly Steve for me. It was painful, but I felt the corners of my mouth moved. I actually smiled. A real smile. I don't know if Ethan was the first to notice it, but he was definitely the first to comment. "That's the first time I've seen that since we got here. Awesome!" My smile faded quickly, but Dustin was sure that he could bring it back. Starting with him, they began telling the most ridiculously lame jokes and stories that they could come up with. Unfortunately for them, they couldn't repeat the performance. I was too busy thinking about what they had almost uncovered. Once all of my friends realized that they weren't going to be able to get me to smile again, Sarah walked up the street to go back to her home. The rest of us went inside the house. Upon entering, I pushed past everyone and lay down on a large discolored spot on the floor. If the four houseguests hadn't already seen this over the past couple of days, I'm not sure how I would have been able to explain my actions. This was my spot. His spot. Where he died. It was the one place in the world where I felt closest to him. At that point, I would never leave The Spot if I didn't need to. The Spot looked more faded than it had before I left it to go to the funeral. The blood stains were mostly gone, but traces could still be seen between the boards, but it had been scrubbed so much that it looked nothing like the rest of the floor. I was pretty sure that Sarah had spent much of the time that I was gone trying to clean it. Since no one could get me to leave The Spot, they could only clean it when I had to go to the bathroom, or they convinced me to take a shower. The tears didn't return as I lay there, clutching myself in the fetal position, as close to Steve as I could get. The gut-wrenching sobs did, however. Emma and Michelle tried to comfort me, but I just kept shrugging them off. After about 15 minutes, I felt someone grab my arm firmly. I looked and saw Ethan. "C'mon bro. You really should sleep in your bed tonight. The floor is not comfortable. I'm sure that your entire body is aching, even if you can't feel it." I think I tried to nod my head. I was sore. I still didn't want to leave The Spot, however. Ethan really didn't give me a choice, as he firmly pulled me up to my feet. Dustin grabbed my other arm, and they led me to my bedroom. Actually, I think they mostly carried me, but I'm not sure. The events of the day had taken their toll, and I was too exhausted to put up much of a struggle. Dustin and Ethan helped me strip down to my boxers, and then tucked me into my side of the bed that Steve and I had shared since we first moved in together seven years ago. It felt so big. So empty. "Do you want Michelle or me to sleep in here with you? You know you're not alone, right? All of us are here for you. For anything you need," Dustin asked. "No. It's his bed! I can't have anyone else it in it. Just me and him," I said. I was suddenly aware just how tired I was, and sleep was coming quickly. "That's fine. Just remember that we love all love you." I was barely conscious as Dustin said that. I was almost asleep by the time they left the room, and I only vaguely remember hearing them close the door. The last thing I remember before sleep overtook me was rolling over to Steve's side of the bed. I fell asleep clutching his side of the bed, realizing that I had found a second place where I could still feel his presence. That was the first night that I slept without nightmares since he died. * * * I wish I could say that the nightmares never came back. In truth, they were only gone a few days before they returned. At least they weren't happening every night, just most of them. Michelle and Dustin stayed a few more days, before they had to return home. Emma and Ethan stayed a

Michelle and Dustin stayed a few more days, before they had to return home. Emma and Ethan stayed a little longer before they, too, went home in early August. Almost before I realized it, I found myself alone in our house again. Sarah was constantly at the house. I don't know what I would have done without her. I spent all of my time either curled up on The Spot or clutching Steve's side of the bed. If it hadn't been for her insistence, I'm sure that I would not have every bothered showering or even changing my clothes. She had followed through on her promise, and Chris had a high-end security system installed shortly after the funeral. She did ask if I wanted the security windows and doors removed, but I just shrugged her off. Even if I refused to admit it, they did make me feel safer. I knew that Steve would understand why I had allowed his beautiful windows to be marred. A few weeks after Emma and Ethan left, Sarah began to push for me to see a therapist. At first, it was hints and passing comments. By the beginning of September, she began to push harder. "Scott, you really haven't been getting any better. You should see someone. Talking will make you feel a little better, and it may give you more perspective." "I really don't need a shrink. I know what my problem is. He died. I don't want to feel better. I don't want to move on. I can't do that. I can't forget him." "No one wants you to forget Steve. Hell, no one who ever met Steve will ever forget him. You know he had that effect on people. What we want is for you to be able to smile again. To be able to walk out of that door and come have dinner with Chris and I. "If you don't want to see a therapist, I can't and won't push it. I just really need you to be able to talk to someone. Anyone, it doesn't matter who it is. Talk to me. Talk to Chris." Chris always seemed like a nice enough guy but I didn't really know him. Even Sarah and I hadn't really been that close before his death. We were good neighbors, but little more than passing friends. "I can't do that, Sarah. You guys have already done so much for me. If I start unloading my problems on you, I'll just burden you further." "Is there anyone you feel like you can talk to or anyone that you've opened up to a little already?" "Well there was that one guy, Will," I said hesitantly. "Oh, he's the guy you talked to on the day of the funeral, right?" Sarah was not at the cemetery when we had returned, but Emma and Michelle had gotten her up to speed with the events that she had missed. "Yeah, he is. I'm not sure I can talk to him, though. I thought I might be able to, but I'm just not sure. I know he finds me attractive, and I don't know if I'm able to handle that right now." "Darling, one day, you will realize that everyone who looks at you finds you attractive. There's nothing you can do about it. Just embrace it, and enjoy the attention." Sarah enjoyed using random pet names for me, knowing that it made me slightly uncomfortable. At least she stayed away from any terms of endearment that Steve had used. "Besides," she continued, "everyone told me that talking to him made you feel a little better. Promise me you'll at least think about it." "Okay, fine. I'll think about it. But that's the best I can do." "Good enough for me. Now go take a shower. You stink!" I didn't notice as she snuck into the bathroom to take my phone out of my pants. * * * "Hello? William Drake speaking."

"Hello? William Drake speaking." "Hi, my name is Sarah. You don't know me, but I'm a friend of Scott's. Are you that Will?" "What? Scott? I haven't heard from him since the day of Steve's funeral. Is everything alright? Scott's not hurt, is he?" "No, it's nothing like that. He's fine. Well, no he's not. He's not really much of anything. He won't talk to anyone, and he will only take care of himself when someone is making him. I know he opened up to you the day of Steve's funeral, and I'm hoping that you would be willing to try to talk to him again." "Have you tried to get him to see a psychologist? They're usually pretty good at getting people to open up." "Scott won't do it. He's too hard headed and thinks he's fine on his own. I'm hoping you can come and talk to him, though." "I guess we just can't tell him what I do for a living then," Will told Sarah with a chuckle. "I'm actually a clinical psychologist." "Are you sure? You sound awfully young to be a shrink. Wait, sorry. I didn't mean it the way it sounded." "Trust me, you aren't the first person to act incredulously. I just finished graduate school a few months ago and am working in a small co-op. I don't have any more appointments for the day. Even if I did, none of them are as important. My patients are all pretty tame. Scott's trauma is much fresher and he needs the attention more. Why don't I come right over, and I'll try to talk to Scott. Does that work for you?" "That would be perfect. Thank you so much, Will. I really hope you can help Scott." "I do, too." Sarah gave him Scott's address. Before they hung up, Will told her that he'd be there in a few minutes. * * * When I finished my shower, I toweled off. I wrapped the towel around me and walked out to the bedroom. I was startled when I saw Sarah talking to someone while sitting on my bed. After a moment I recognized the other person as Will. The two were so involved in their conversation that they had yet to notice me. "Sarah, what is Will doing here?" They both jumped a little as they quickly swiveled their heads to face me. "Scott, just hear me out," Sarah started. "You need someone to talk to. You were able to talk to Will before, why not try it again? If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. At least you tried." I glanced over to Will and noticed that his eyes were no longer directed at my face. Suddenly, I became all too aware that I was standing in front of them wearing nothing other than a loosely tied towel. For a moment, I watched his eyes travel down my smooth chest and flat stomach, and beginning the trek towards the prominent bulge in my towel. "What the hell, Will? I thought you said that you would never show your feelings for me. Get out!" "I...um...I..." Will stammered before he quickly bolted out of the bedroom. "Will! Don't leave yet! I wasn't done talking to you," Sarah called after him, before turning back to me. "Remember, you are an amazing looking guy. You're standing there in just a towel. Even I can't stop checking you out, and I know that I'm not your type. Please don't hold it against him. He's only human." I just nodded and pointed towards the door. I needed clothes and quickly. I quickly dressed as soon as Sarah was out of the room.

Sarah caught up to Will just as he was stepping off of the porch. "Will, please don't go. He really does need you, even if he doesn't know it" "No, I just fucked it all up again. I know that he's not emotionally capable of handling anything approaching a relationship at this point. Not that I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with him or anyone else," he added quickly. "I want to help him so badly. He such a lost soul right now and needs all the help he can get. I just can't fight the physical attraction to him." "I get the physical attraction, but you're smart enough to not try to make any unwanted moves or anything. Hell, you would have checked him out if in there if he was just remotely average looking. Both of us know that he's not. It's human nature. You of all people should know that." Will just sighed. "Look, just go back in. We'll all sit on the couch and just start talking. If he won't try to open up or anything, you can leave. No harm, no foul." "You're right. I'm already here. The worst that can happen is that he'll just tell me to leave again." Will walked back up onto the porch and the two walked back into the house. When they walked in, I was curled up on The Spot again. After what had transpired, I was feeling a little more numb than usual, if that was even possible. "C'mon Scott, you need to get up," Sarah started, as she grabbed my arm to try and pull me up. Any other time, I would have found it hilarious that this little pixie, 8 inches shorter and I'd guess close to 65 pounds less than me was trying to throw her weight around. At that moment I just found it annoying. "Will, can you help me? We are all going to sit on the couch like adults. And then we are going to talk. Like adults. Do you understand Scott?" I was beginning to feel a wave of adolescent rebellion forming, but I knew that arguing wasn't going to make this end any quicker. Even as I sat on the couch, I just wanted to make my way back to The Spot. Sarah sat down next to me while Will sat on the adjacent couch. "Scott, why don't you tell Will about that specific spot and why it is so important to you?" Sarah prodded, trying to be helpful. "Ok, fine." I said. I knew that I had told Will a lot of the story six weeks ago, and I knew that he was smart enough to have probably figured out the significance to me already. But I figured that I'd just placate Sarah, and maybe both of them would leave. I started from the beginning again, telling Will about the fight and the grocery trip. That I had come home and found Steve lying in a pool of blood after having been shot twice. I pointed to The Spot. "That's where it happened. That's where I lost him." "That's where Steve died," Will said in a whisper. I looked over to Sarah to see if she was satisfied and that we were done. To my surprise she was gone. "Oh, she left as soon as you started talking. I'm actually surprised that you didn't notice it. You know that she just wanted you to have a chance to get some of this off your chest. We can stop if you want." I just shook my head.

I just shook my head. Maybe it was the fact that Will was still virtually a stranger. Maybe it was the fact that I know he's attracted to me. Maybe I just needed to talk. All I know is that I felt like I could talk to him. And I wanted to talk to him. As I looked into his eyes, I saw the concern he had for me. I decided to go for broke. "He was still mad at me when he died. The last thing he ever said to me was 'don't'. I just can't forgive myself for getting angry with him, or never getting the chance to say that I was sorry." "I don't believe that for a second, and I think deep down, you know that it's not true." "How many definitions of 'don't' do you know, Will? This isn't exactly a situation where 'no' can really mean 'yes'!" "Ok, let me try it a different way. How mad were you when you left?" "I don't know. Not really. More annoyed than anything. I mean, I did snap at him, but it what I said wasn't anything out of the ordinary for us. It might have been mean, but it wasn't out of the ordinary." "Well, if you weren't really that mad, and your words weren't that unusual, and the argument was over something menial, don't you think there's a chance that he may not have been angry at you? I thought about what he was saying. I didn't really want to believe it, but it did make some sense. "Another thing, 'don't' by itself doesn't mean much of anything. If I had to guess he was starting to tell you something, but his body gave out before he could finish. You can kick yourself all you want for the rest of your life, but you'll never know exactly what Steve meant when he told you that. Don't just assume that it means he was still mad. "If I was in his shoes, I would have been terrified. I wouldn't want the love of my life to see me in that position, nor would I want them to leave my side, despite any recent troubles that we may have faced." "I didn't" I barely whispered. I then dropped my head to stare at the ground. I'm not sure how I could have been that stupid. I'd just led him straight to the most embarrassing part of the entire ordeal. "You didn't what? Leave him?" Will asked. I could tell he was trying to gently prod. I didn't know if he could handle what I had done. I couldn't lift my head to look at him, because I could feel his judgment without having even saying a word. "Scott, look at me." I couldn't. "Please Scott. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not going to judge you. Whatever is bothering you, it is eating you alive right now. I know you want to tell me. I want you to tell me. No judgments. I promise. Now, please, look at me." I slowly looked up. At least for now, he was telling the truth. The only emotion that his eyes were conveying was deep concern. I decided to go for it. "I never left him. I didn't do anything. I didn't call anyone. I just held him. I justfuck." Will had started crying. I knew he was judging me. I stood up and went towards The Spot. I had to be closer to him. Will's gently grabbed my arm, stopping me. "It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. You have nothing to be upset about." The tears that had been slowly leaking from my eyes changed to heart-wrenching sobs. Will stood and directed me back to the couch. This time he sat next to me. I pressed my head against his chest and just let it all out. He just gently rubbed my back the entire time. After what seemed like forever, the sobs faded. "How can you say that? I failed him."

"How can you say that? I failed him." "You didn't fail him anymore than he failed you." "How could he have failed me? He was killed. And I didn't do anything about it." "By your logic he failed you simply by dying. In a way, he left you. And yes, you did do something. You were there for him. You held him. You never let him go. Sure, it may have been better to call 911, but if he was already dead, like you said he was, then there was nothing that anyone could." We were silent for a long time after he said that. I was simply just trying to process his words. I knew he was wrong, but I just couldn't find a single fault in his logic. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I thought that Will was probably right. "I guess you're right," I finally said. I sat back up, pulling away from Will. Will noticed and scooted over a little to create a little distance from us. "Sarah was the one who called the police. She was out jogging the next morning and saw the groceries strewn on the front steps. As she got closer, she noticed the front door was still open. That's when she called the police. When she didn't see any movement inside, that's when she came in and found us. "I was still holding him. I heard someone come in, but didn't know who it was. She later told me that she had been calling our names, but I didn't hear anything at the time. I just started yelling for whoever it was to leave. She kept her distance, and only stayed in the room long enough to make sure that I was okay before she went back to the porch to wait for the police to show up. "They tried to pull me off of him. I just started flailing. I was grabbing, kicking, or punching anything in my reach. Sarah was trying to get the officers to stop while trying to get me to calm down. I wouldn't stop. They were trying to take me away from him. "Finally, one officer shouted for everyone to stop. He was a big guy, and his tone made it clear that no one, not even the other officers, would mess with him. He grabbed me by the arm and guided me to the couch. He told me that if he would handcuff me there if I didn't let the other officers, techs, and coroners do to their jobs. "He told me that his name was Officer Vincenzo. The last thing I remember distinctly was him warning me that technically I had just assaulted several officers, and that they may end up arresting me. I don't know if that was a real possibility or just a ploy to get me to talk. "Officer Vincenzo started asking me questions. I couldn't really answer them. Hell, I couldn't really understand them. Sarah was right there, helping to repeat the questions and try to answer questions that I couldn't form the words to yet. I know I grunted and just moved my head for a lot of the questions. "If he hadn't already realized that I was not the killer, he did after some CSI-type guy swabbed my hands and performed a gunshot residue test. Neither of us had ever owned a gun and obviously none were found in the house. Officer Vincenzo talked the other officers out of arresting me for assault. It didn't take much. I think one of them even said that they would have reacted the same way if they had been in my position. "Sarah stayed with me after the police left. As soon as I was out the door, I went straight back to The Spot. Until the funeral, I was there unless I was in the bathroom. Since the funeral, the only change is that I now sleep on his side of our bed. This is actually the longest I haven't been on The Spot other than when I was at the funeral itself." Suddenly, I was very ashamed about that. Will put his hand on my shoulder. The gentle tears that I had been crying since I started telling him the unabridged events of the day quickly became sobs again with that gesture of support. He was right. It did feel pretty good to get everything off of my chest. When I had calmed back down, Will asked if I was hungry. I looked out the window and realized that the sun was already beginning to set. I couldn't believe that we had been talking for hours. I also realized that I was starving.

After Will checked the fridge, only to find that it was virtually empty, he asked what I wanted to have delivered. If he had any preferences towards anything, he didn't let on. Since he didn't know me very well, I think he was trying to make sure he didn't cross any boundaries by suggesting something that Steve would have wanted. Steve's passion for food made it so that if I wanted to avoid those things, I would have had to starve myself. I may have been in more pain than I would have thought possible, but even I had limits to my crazy. After eating in a peaceful silence, we sat back down on the couch, and kept talking. "After hearing all the personal things you went through, I still don't know much of the basics. Why don't you tell me more about Steve?" Will started "Umlike what?" I was nervous about the question. Even after telling him so much, I still wasn't sure that I was ready to start delving too deeply into the past. "Nothing major. Tell me how you met." That was easy enough for me. "I came out just before college, and I let the freedoms of college go to my head. That whole year, I was a major slut, sleeping with any remotely attractive guy I could. Honestly, I'm not sure I even went on a single date. Just fucked every chance I got. When sophomore year began, I was planning on just doing more of the same. By the second week of school, I'd found my new challenge. "In my biology class, there was a guy that sat a few rows in front of me. He was easily the most gorgeous guy that I had ever met. I mean, just looking at him made me nervous. A couple weeks later, I worked up the nerve to sit down next to him. We both just grunted our hellos before the lecture began. As usual, I took copious notes, while the guy didn't bother to write anything down. In fact, he looked like he was asleep through most of the class. "After the professor dismissed the class, the guy stopped me. He told me that his name was Steve, and that he was struggling to get the material, but it looked like I had it down pat. He wondered if I could tutor him. We agreed to start getting coffee after class each day and I would go over the notes and help him understand it. After three of these sessions, I realized that I had been had. "It turns out that Steve understood the material even better than I did. He didn't take notes because he didn't need to. He didn't bother to open his eyes, because he understood it just by listening to the professor. He made me promise to keep getting coffee with him. It wasn't hard, because by this point, all I could think about was Steve. "As the semester went on, we started going to parties and hanging out with each others' groups of friends. Everywhere we went guys were all over him, but he always brushed them off. Shortly before finals, he officially asked me out. Even before he asked me out, I knew that I was in love with him." "Wow," Will said, wiping his eyes, "that has to be one of the most romantic 'first-met' stories that I've ever heard." I realized that at some point while we were talking, I had laid my head on his chest, and Will had wrapped one arm around mine. I really hoped that he wouldn't get the wrong impression, but it felt really nice to be held like that again. "One thing I've never understood, though, is why he chose me. He constantly had guys throwing themselves at him, even before we started dating. And yet, he always gravitated towards me." "That's actually pretty easy. You're smart, articulate, attractive, have a wonderful personality, and I'm sure a great sense of humor. Granted, I haven't had too many opportunities to see the last two, but I can tell that they are there." I felt a little uncomfortable hearing Will sing my praises, and I started to sit back up. Will realized what he said and how I had interpreted it.

"Look, I know that you are well aware of my attraction to you, and I know that it makes you at least a little uncomfortable. I promise that I'll keep those feelings separate from the friendship that is developing between us. Until you send clear signals otherwise, I will always assume friends first. I won't do anything to undermine that. If you want to lie back down, you can." Satisfied, I laid my head back down on his chest. Listening to his heart beat was soothing. I felt safe. We laid like that in silence for a few minutes. "You know, if you ever decide to change career paths, you should really consider psychology. With your careful, guiding questions, gentle demeanor, and insight, you are better than any therapist I've ever been to." Will chuckled at that. "Allow me to introduce myself." I was confused, as we had been talking for many hours by this point. I knew exactly who he was. Will stuck out his hand. "Dr. William Drake, clinical psychologist. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." I smiled, and actually thought that I might chuckle. It didn't quite make it all the way out, but it almost did. Suddenly, he noticed the time. "Man! I had no idea it was so late. I really should get out of your hair. Thanks for talking to me today and opening up. Do you feel any better? I thought for a moment, trying to figure out exactly what my emotional state was. "Yes, actually. And you don't have to leave if you don't want. I'm going to go to bed soon, but you can stay if you want." As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I was worried that Will would interpret them as a signal that I was interested in him. "I mean, I haven't felt as safe as I did in your arms since" My voice may have trailed off at the end, but both of us knew exactly what I meant. "If you want me to stay, I will. And don't worry, no moves from me. Just one problem: I don't have anything to sleep in." "No worries about that. I have a ton of sleep pants and t-shirts in one of my drawers. We're almost the same size, but they might be a little big on you. I really would like it. I just feel like being held again." Maybe I was being a little selfish, but I know that Will was true to his word about putting his feelings aside for me in order to be my friend. We went into the bedroom, and I grabbed a couple of pairs of clothes. I pointed him to the bathroom, while I changed quickly in the bedroom. While he was finishing getting changed, I grabbed a new toothbrush from the guest bathroom. As we walked back into the bedroom, Will asked which side of the bed I wanted him on. "No! Not this bed. It's Steve's bed. I can't share it with anyone!" "Okay, not a problem. Don't worry, I understand. I just hadn't thought about that. You lead the way, and I'll follow." We walked across the hall, and got into the bed. It felt so good with him spooning up against my back with his arms wrapped around my chest. I was asleep almost immediately. It was easily the best night of sleep that I had gotten since he died.

It was easily the best night of sleep that I had gotten since he died.

4. Chapter 4 - Will
As the next several weeks went by, Sarah came by less and less largely because Will was usually there. It's not like the two didn't get along. I think Sarah just figured that I didn't need her around as much. Will had practically moved in with me. He came over every night after he got off of work, and usually spent the night. By this point, we both just slept in our boxers. We were not together or anything, and of course, we still slept in the guestroom. I didn't think of Will as anything other than a brother and good friend, but nothing more. On a personal note, by this point I had noticed that I had only gotten an erection a few times since that fateful day back in mid-July. Even though I was nearly a decade out of my teens, going two months without so much as a wet dream seemed unnatural. I had tried to masturbate a few times, but I just felt too guilty. The idea of submitting myself to something so carnal and pleasurable just didn't seem right when I wasn't sharing it with the love of my life. The nights that Will didn't stay, I slept in Steve's spot in our bed. I almost always had nightmares on those nights. I never told Will about them, because I didn't want him to try to stop me from being close to Steve. Even I knew that the memories that were conjured up while sleeping on Steve's side of the bed could be exacerbating my nightmares. Fortunately, the nights he stayed, I rarely had them. When that happened, he just held me tighter and repeatedly told me that everything was going to be okay. I hate to admit it, but it did help. Every so often, Will would try to play psychologist, and try to get me to say "Steve died". I still couldn't. Will was able to make me smile with some regularity. He even made me chuckle on occasion. One night in late September, Will had decided to stay at his place. I crawled into bed late, hoping that exhaustion would allow me to sleep through the night without another nightmare. Finally, my eyes grew heavy, and I fell asleep. *** I woke up in a white room. It was so bright that I couldn't see anything. The odd part was that the brightness didn't hurt my eyes. I stood up to try to get my bearings, but all I could see was white. I looked down and realized that the clothes I was wearing, like the room, were pure white. I was getting more than a little concerned. I certainly hadn't been wearing these clothes when I went to bed, and I had never even been near a room like this before. I heard the sounds of someone approaching. I quickly looked around for somewhere to hide. Before I could even try to move, I saw someone standing next to me. Everything was so bright that I couldn't make out who it was. The only thing I was certain of is that the person was a man. I was about to cower and back away as quickly as I could. The man let out an all-too-familiar chuckle. "Relax, baby."

"Relax, baby." "What the fuck?" was all I could think to say. "Well, not exactly what I was hoping your first words to me to be, but understandable. I'm sorry if this is freaking you out," the person said with a laugh. "Steve? Is that really you?" "Who were you expecting? A little girl? Maybe a black panther? I can talk to The Powers That Be and see if they can work something out." "Okay, smartass. But you're dead!" "Unfortunately. You have no idea how much I've missed you, but I didn't really have any say in the matter." "So is this just a dream?" "Yes and no." "What the hell does that mean? Can't you tell me what the fuck is going on?" "They put very strict restrictions on what I can and can't answer. Believe me, I want nothing more than to explain everything. That's the upside of being dead. Now I literally am a know it all. The downside is that I've been ripped away from all the people I ever loved." "If you can just show up in my dreams, or whatever the fuck this is, whenever you want, why have you waited over two months? I miss you with every fiber of my being. It hurts to even breathe with you gone. If you really loved me, you'd be there every night." The shock of standing next to Steve had worn off some. I really needed to feel him in my arms again. I tried to move, but my entire body was completely paralyzed. "One day, you'll realize that the true measurement of how much I love you shows in how restrained I've been. The fact that I've allowed you your hurt and pain is a testament to that. The only other thing I can add is that I want you to think what your state of mind would be like if I did show up every night you went to bed. What your life would be like." "Okay. I'm beginning to get sick of these fucking riddles, Steve. If your way of showing me how much you love me is by not coming to me, then why the hell are you here?" "That's a fair question." My heart dropped. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out if Steve had just told me that he no longer loved me in a riddle. I knew that I'd be a blubbering mess on the ground right now, if only I could just move. "Ste-" "Let me explain what I can. Since I can see everything that has happened or will happen to you, I have to be very careful in any answer I give you. I really want to tell you everything. How it's going to end. All of the things you need to avoid in order to save yourself from more pain. But I can't. All I can do is watch. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks! "You know I always loved you with every fiber of my being. Don't question it for even a

"You know I always loved you with every fiber of my being. Don't question it for even a moment. You also know what I'd want more than anything else. I want you to find a way to move on." "But I can't allow myself to forget anything about you. I don't want to move on." "One day, you will learn the true relationship between forgetting and moving on. I wish I could explain it to you. It's really simple when you stop and rationally think about it. But I'm not allowed to explain. It might give away the ending. Or the journey. Or something. This whole omniscience thing gets a little confusing sometimes." "Please, Steve. I need to know. What did you mean by 'don't'? I have been wracked because I just know that you died mad at me." "I will explain my last word to you. One day. Just know that I can't right now. That really would spoil everything. Also, you need to know that I wasn't mad at you. I could never stay mad at you." I noticed the shape of Steve's body stiffen slightly. It was almost as if he'd just received an order from a superior. "Scott, I have to leave now. There are concerns that I've come too close to telling you too much. Before I go, I just have to say that I want you to follow what your heart tells you. The path it leads you may seem to go astray, but everything will work out in the end as it should. "Now you must go. Goodbye for now, love." *** I suddenly jerked upright in my bed. If that had been a dream, it was both the most wonderful dream I've ever had, and the most terrifying nightmare all rolled into one. I had been with Steve. I had talked to Steve. But I couldn't see his gorgeous face or find comfort in his arms. I couldn't even find solace in his words, since I was pretty sure that he had told me a whole lot of nothing. I'm sure that if I tried really hard, I could have convinced myself that it was all a dream. My subconscious may have only been trying to make me think more rationally and work to pick up the pieces. But I needed it to actually be him. I had to believe that he was still out there looking out for me. That thought caused me to realize the truth he'd confided in me. If he appeared to me every night, I would go crazy. Being with Steve, or whatever just happened, provided no solace. The pain wasn't gone. If anything it was worse. I tried to go back to sleep, but the events that had just transpired were too much from me. I still felt Steve's closeness, but I had to get out of the bed. I got up, got dressed, and went out to the living room. I noticed for the first time that the sun was coming up as I curled up on The Spot. Steve's presence seemed much stronger there. I just lay there all day until Will came in after he got off work. *** "Hi, honey, I'm home!" Will called out as he came in.

"Hi, honey, I'm home!" Will called out as he came in. I just lifted my head and glared at him. A part of me knew that he was just joking around, but I refused to acknowledge it. The events of the night before were too fresh. Will seemed to notice. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean anything. I hope you know that." I managed a nod. I suddenly became aware that my face was covered in tears. I don't think I was crying when he came in, but it was entirely possibly that I had been crying the entire day. "Are you okay? What happened? Recently, when I get here you are doing some work." "It's nothing. I just had a particularlypainfulumdream" If he caught onto the strange wording that I struggled with, he didn't let on. "Hey, don't worry. Everything will be alright. I just get worried when you have days like this." If I had been anywhere but on The Spot, he would have tried to put his arm around me to comfort me. By now he had learned that I wouldn't tolerate being touched while here. "Also, and I hate to sound like a nag or say something that I know will upset you, but you need to make sure you're spending extra time on your work. You managed to hang on to most of your clients, but you know that your business relationships have been severely strained. I'd hate for you to lose more." Again, I just nodded. I knew what he said was correct. As a web designer, I had the fortune of working from home and, for the most part, on my own schedule. But it was a long time after his death before I was able to even begin to think about work again. I missed several deadlines, and wound up with a lot of very unsatisfied customers. Most of them were very understanding of the circumstances, but even some of the understanding ones terminated their contracts with me. The past several weeks, I had been good at getting back into the swing of things. Granted, I was working from The Spot, but a laptop and a good wireless network meant that I could do my work anywhere in the house. The only thing I hadn't been able to do recently was bring in new clients. I just wasn't feeling extroverted enough yet to whore my services out. *** As the next few weeks went past, everything continued as it had been. The biggest difference was now I was working almost the entire day, every day. Most of the time, I was working from The Spot, but some days I sat on the couch as I worked. I tried putting a chair on The Spot early on, but I just didn't feel the connection, so I went for comfort at that point. I had gotten a few new clients. All they were offering me were small, easy tasks. I just knew that they had been sent to me by some of my more loyal clients, but I didn't really care. In fact, it felt good being sought out. I still hadn't been able to put myself out there and actually seek out new clients for myself. I also hadn't left the house. Sarah regularly did grocery shopping for me. Whenever I

I also hadn't left the house. Sarah regularly did grocery shopping for me. Whenever I offered her money, she turned me down. She always said that it was the least Chris and she could do. In this day and age, it's remarkably easy to become a shut-in. I hadn't needed to buy anything other than food, but virtually anything I could even conceive of wanting could be ordered on the internet to be delivered to my door. Getting me out of the house had become one of Will's new projects. Finally, two weeks before Halloween, he insisted that he was taking me out. "I'm not taking 'no' for an answer," he explained to me as I tried to talk my way out of it. "You've been cooped up in the house for more than three months now. I know you don't need to leave the house for anything you need to do, but you're going to drive yourself crazy. Please, you need this. You just don't realize it yet." "Fine, I'll go." Truthfully, I had resigned myself to going as soon as he first asked. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to, but I knew from the beginning that he was dead-set on making me go out. I knew that there was no way he'd drop the subject until I agreed. "Great! Saturday night, then. It's a date." Will looked a little too happy about that, and that made me a somewhat uncomfortable. In fact, the word 'date' made me cringe a bit inside before I even saw his face, and that I wanted nothing to do with any feelings he used to have or still does for that matter. I needed to make sure that he didn't get the wrong impression. Any issues relating to his feelings towards me hadn't been brought up in a long time. "Will, I" "Relax. I didn't mean it like that. I just want you to be able to get out and have a good time. Hopefully you'll forget everything for a little while. But even if you don't, it'll at least give you the opportunity to have a change of scenery. It'll be good for you." I couldn't shake the thought that maybe Steve had been trying to tell me that I should be with Will, but that didn't make any sense to me. He had told me to follow my heart. Will was a great guy, and if I hadn't been so depressed, I might have realized how attractive he was. But I really didn't think of him in that way. I hate repeating myself, but he really was like another brother to me. *** That Saturday, I dressed nicely. It was the first time that I'd paid any attention to my looks since he died. I had to admit that I looked pretty good. This was the first time that I had worn nice clothes since the funeral, and even then, I hadn't picked out my clothes. When I had gotten out of the shower that morning, Ethan had laid out all my clothes on the bed. It felt nice to pay attention to myself, and I had a certain amount of pride knowing that I still remembered how to make myself presentable. Will took me to a nicer restaurant. It wasn't a fancy, super-romantic dinner or anything, and I appreciated that. The entire time, we just chatted idly. Actually, Will did most of the talking, but the conversation was kept light, and I was really beginning to enjoy the time away from the house.

I was a little irritated when Will insisted that he paid. I know he said that it wasn't a date, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that maybe part of him wanted it to be. Since Will had never told me our plans, I figured that the night was over after we left the restaurant. Part of me didn't want the night to be over yet I was enjoying myself much more than I had expected. On the other hand, I was very uncomfortable about the fact that I wasn't feeling any closeness to Steve while we were out. As Will drove, I quickly realized that we weren't heading in the direction of my house. I asked a few times where we were going, but all he would give me were a series of very noncommittal responses. I knew I had given him carte blanche when I hadn't made him verify any plans through me, so I just resigned myself to my fate. I began to get extremely curious as we pulled into a parking garage in Midtown. The entire area we were in was primarily office buildings, so I really couldn't understand what we were doing there. That's when I remembered. "Will, we're going to see 'Wicked' aren't we?" "First guess. See, your brain can still work when you decide to use. I noticed that you had the soundtrack, so I thought it'd be something you were comfortable with." Up until that point, I had completely forgotten that it was coming to town. I didn't know how to explain to him that I didn't think that I could go. I had always wanted to see, and loved the soundtrack, but it was Steve who bought it for me. I remembered back to a day in June when he had seen a billboard advertising that 'Wicked' was coming to town. He had been so excited about it, if only because he knew how much I had wanted to see it. Tickets didn't go on sale until August, though. And he never got the chance to buy them. Knowing how much Steve had wanted to take me to see the show, I really didn't want to go. If I couldn't go see it with him, I didn't think I wanted to see it at all. "Is everything okay?" Will asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I don't know. It's just that he was going to bring me here. I don't think I want to see it without him." "Sorry. I didn't know. Tell you what, though. I bet once the play begins, you'll be too engrossed in the story to worry. Please give it a shot. If you are miserable at intermission, then we'll leave, no questions asked. Don't answer me immediately, because I know what your gut is trying to tell you. I want you to think for a few minutes and then make a decision." I did think about it. And he made perfect sense. Besides, I had wanted to see this for years but just hadn't had the chance to actually do it. I knew that Steve wouldn't really begrudge me that opportunity. I also knew that it would be hard, but I owed it myself and possibly Steve to try. I agreed to give it until intermission. We just sat in the car and talked until the last minute. I think Will was trying to make sure that I didn't start second-guessing myself while sitting in the theater. We timed it perfectly. The lights dimmed almost as soon as we sat down, and the orchestra started the overture. I quickly forgot about reality and was drawn into Gregory Macguire's retelling of L. Frank

I quickly forgot about reality and was drawn into Gregory Macguire's retelling of L. Frank Baum's magical world of Oz. I was deeply moved during the final number of the act, 'Defying Gravity', one of my favorite songs. As Elphaba, the wicked witch and protagonist of the story, sang about living a life with no limits and not letting anyone bring her down, I was moved to tears. Wiping my eyes as the house lights came up for intermission, I realized that it was the first time in months that I had cried tears of anything other than pain and sorrow. It didn't take any convincing on Will's part to get me to stay to watch the rest of the show. My happiness didn't last long. During the second act, Elphaba thinks that she was responsible for the death of Fiyero, her love. I grabbed Will's hand and leaned into him, crying. The tears didn't last long, but I stayed close to him for the rest of the play. Once again, I found comfort in Will's arms. After the play ended, I didn't let go of Will's hand. I was still shaken, and the contact between us helped to relax me. I didn't let go until it came time to get out of the car back at the house. If I had been thinking more clearly, I might have considered how Will would interpret our closeness, but clear rational thinking hadn't been something I'd done much of for a while. We got undressed, and climbed into the bed in the guest room, like usual. Suddenly, I felt his lips pressed up against mine. I froze for a second, unsure what was going on. His tongue brushed against my lips, and my body reacted before my mind could even process it. It was almost as if my body began to act of its own volition. Suddenly, Will was lying on top of me, kissing me passionately. Our tongues were dueling in each other's mouths. My arms were wrapped around him, rubbing up and down his firm, muscled back. His were wandering over any part of exposed flesh they could find. Will's hands were playing with my defined chest and every time he brushed my nipples, I let out an audible gasp. His hands wandered down and he began to erotically stroke my flat stomach. One hand ventured back up to my nipples and began to play with them as I writhed in pleasure. The other hand continued its journey south. He started to rub his hand all over my 8.5 inch rock-hard member, before grabbing it. Only the thin material of boxers separated his hand, and I could feel the heat on my cock. Will broke the kiss and growled in my ear, "Damn, that monster's fucking huge." He pulled my boxers off, and suddenly I was completely exposed to him. He began kissing me again while stroking my cock with one hand. He was tugging and rolling my large balls in his other hand. I was thrashing on the bed and moaning into his mouth. He broke the kiss again and moved to my neck, before starting to kiss and lick his way down my chest. As he began to suck and bite my nipples, my moans became louder. No longer stifled by his mouth, I'm sure that my neighbors could hear every noise that I made. He continued to kiss, lick, and bite my taught skin as his continued to make his way down my body. He darted his tongue into my belly button and my eyes shot open as I gasped loudly. Despite all the kinky things we had done over the years, for whatever reason, Steve had never done that. 'Fuck!' I thought to myself, and I suddenly became fully aware of what I was doing and who

'Fuck!' I thought to myself, and I suddenly became fully aware of what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I wanted nothing more than to find a way to stop, but my body was in control and refused to listen to my mind. My eyes clamped shut again as I felt Will's lips wrap around my throbbing cock. I resigned myself to what was happening and just enjoyed the carnal pleasure as he bobbed up and down, sucking hard on me. I felt his tongue frantically playing with the sensitive underside of the head of my cock and poking at my slit. Within moments, I felt my body tense up and before I knew it, I was shooting a massive load down Will's throat as he eagerly swallowed every drop that I had been holding for the past three months. My eyes were still closed as he came back up to kiss me. I could taste myself on his tongue, and felt his hard cock pressing firmly against me. "Oh Steve! That was." I moaned before I suddenly realized what I said. "Shit! I'm sorry, WillI didn't mean to" I tried to apologize as he cut me off. "No. It's fine. I understand. I hope you enjoyed it though." His eyes betrayed him, and I knew that he wasn't fine with what I just said. Any magic of that moment had died. "Will, I really am sorry. It's just thatI don't think that I canI don't know if I'm ready to" He just looked at me. "No. I really understand. I may have pushed a little too hard tonight. It's just that you're so incredible. Anyways, we should get some sleep. Goodnight." Before I could say anything, he pecked me lightly on the cheek and then rolled onto his side. Before I knew it, he had fallen asleep. I just laid there in bed for what felt like hours. My mind was racing and I couldn't comprehend what I had just done. I felt dirty. I felt nauseous. I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I threw up, ridding my stomach of everything I had eaten at the restaurant. I sat with my head in the toilet for a while, trying to wrap my brain around what happened. What I had done. I felt like I had just cheated on Steve. I finally got up and brushed my teeth again. Instead of returning to the bed that Will was asleep in, I went back to our bed. I quickly climbed in on Steve's side and was asleep immediately. *** I was back in the white room. I stood up and called out for Steve. Tears were streaming down my face. "I'm right here babe. Why are you crying." If I could have moved, I would have jumped. I didn't even hear footsteps approaching this time. His voice was coming from behind me, which was why I didn't even see the shadow of him that I had witnessed the last time I had this dream. Or came to this place. However this worked.

this worked. "Steve, I really fucked up. I slept with someone else." "I know. I saw. Honestly, it was pretty hot." I could hear the smile in his voice even if I couldn't see it. "You don't hate me for it?" I couldn't believe my ears. I had slept with another man, and Steve enjoyed watching? This is not the Steve I knew. "I could never hate you. I can't be there for you anymore. You need someone who will be. A better question would be 'do you hate you?'" "I don't know. I'm so confused. I never even thought about Will that way, but for some reason I couldn't stop. It just felt so good." "Sex usually does. Unfortunately, the pleasure is only fleeting if the right emotions aren't there. I'm sure that you remember your freshman year." "Maybe you're right." He was always able to calm me down, even after his death. I knew that I wouldn't feel calm when I woke up, but for now I just took comfort in his logic. "Can you explain to me what you meant by 'don't' yet? Because right now I feel like whatever you meant I went against it." "Not yet, babe. Don't worry. I won't leave you hanging forever. This is not the right moment. "Now tell me, how do you feel about Will? Deep down. Not what happened tonight, but overall." "I'm not really sure. He's been so kind and understanding these past months. I think that he's more like a brother to me. I almost think of him as the non-surfer Ethan." "Dude, bro" Steve responded with his rich laugh that I missed so badly. Even I cracked a smile, but any laugh was caught in my throat. After he finished laughing, he continued. "If that's how you feel, make sure you tell him. Your happiness is the most important thing. Remember what I said about following your heart. I promise, everything will work out in the end. Last night was wonderful, baby." "Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense Steve." "Last night was wonderful, baby." This time, the voice didn't quite sound like Steve's. The lights dimmed quickly. *** "Last night was wonderful, baby." Will repeated, pulling my body tighter into him. My eyes shot open as he kissed the back of my neck. I was still in Steve's side of our bed. I jumped out of the bed, knocking him to the floor in the process.

I jumped out of the bed, knocking him to the floor in the process. "What's wrong, babe?" Will asked, concerned a little frightened. "What the fuck are you doing?" I practically screamed at him. Will just stammered, unable to form words. "What gives you the right to think that you can get into Steve's bed?" "I justI thoughtlast night" Will sputtered, trying to find the proper words that might satiate my rage. "No. Last night was amistake is the closest word I can think of at the moment. Don't get me wrong, it was nice. But I'm not ready for that. I'm definitely not ready for a relationship. Besides, I can't even think of you that way. You're like my brother. It's just wrong." He was crying by this point, and I felt a little bad. Steve had told me to tell him how I felt, though. Besides, he violated a boundary that I had clearly laid out by climbing into the bed with me. "I'm sorry, Will. You need to leave. Hell, I think I need to leave. You've been so kind to me, and I've treated you like shit. I think I'm just going to leave town for a while." As Will ran to get dressed, I grabbed my suitcases and started packing. I heard Will call out from the hallway to tell me again that he was sorry and that he hoped that I'd be okay before he went out the door. After I finished packing, I called my parents to ask if I could visit for a while. That was followed by a call to an airline, where I booked a ticket to my parents' that left in a few hours. I then called Sarah. I didn't let her get a single word in as I told her that I was leaving town for a while and didn't know when I was getting back. I asked her to talk to Will and explain that I really didn't blame him for what happened, but I just had to get out of town and try to clear my head. I felt more confused than ever and completely overwhelmed. I called for a taxi and waited for it to arrive. Just before I got in, I ran back into the house quickly. I pulled my wedding ring off and left it on the night stand. After what had happened, I just couldn't wear it anymore.

5. Chapter 5 - On the Run

I caught the first flight out of town to Baltimore, where my parents picked me up and drove me back to their home in Annapolis. I knew, even then, that I was simply running from my problems, but I was just too overwhelmed by everything that had happened. Will had been the only person that I had felt that I could confide in. I was sure that he thought that I was sending signals that I didn't mean to send. At the same time, he had told me that he would make sure that I felt the same way before he ever acted on his feelings towards me. And at the time, I wasn't sure that I could ever forgive him for what happened that night, let alone for violating the sanctity of our bed in the morning. He deserved an explanation, but I just felt like my trust had been exploited. I hoped that between the strained explanation that I had forced out and any explanation that Sarah provided would be enough to satisfy him.

If possible, I was worse while at my parents than I was at my house. I had reverted back to the way I was immediately after the funeral. Except that I didn't even have something like The Spot, where I could at least feel Steve's presence, even if only fleetingly. I barely ate, I barely slept. The little sleep I did get was filled with horrific nightmares. To make matters worse, Steve hadn't come to me. Every time I went to close my eyes, I put all of my effort into hoping that this time I'd get to hear his voice and sense his presence, even though I knew that Steve's appearances had only left me confused, and any sense of comfort was gone by the time I woke up. Still, the worst part of the stay at the Hudgins family household was Christmas. My first Christmas without him. My dad knew that the entire holiday season would be difficult for me, and tried to get my mom to go easy on the decorations to not overwhelm me. Mom doesn't know the meaning of the word discretion. Dad told me much later that there were three large boxes of Christmas stuff that Mom hadn't put up, out of concern for me, which I appreciate in hindsight. The only trouble is that neither of us ever remember seeing any decorations missing. I got out of bed once on Christmas. I went downstairs and unplugged the stereo, and returned to bed. The music was so damn chipper that it made me sick. I couldn't be happy. I'm not sure that I would have wanted to be happy even if I could have been. My parents really tried to help. They pushed me to see psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, support groups, anything. My mom even suggested a hypnotherapist at one point. I refused to see anyone. Finally, shortly after New Years, my parents had had enough of me. "Scott, honey, I don't know why you are even here. You know we love when you visit. But this isn't a visit. I interact more with the girls on the View than I do with you," Mom told me, when they sat me down. "I really think that if you talked to someone, it would help, but I can't make you. Even if I could, I'm not sure forcing you to do something you are so adamantly opposed to would do any good." "What are you saying, Mom? You guys are kicking me out?" "You haven't been able to find whatever it is that you are searching for here," my Dad said. "Maybe with more time you'd be able to, but you've been here for two months, and you are in just as bad of shape as you were when you got here. Your mother and I feel that maybe it'd be best for you if you went somewhere else. I'd suggest back to your home, but I know there are issues with that. At least for you. "Where ever you go, you know you have all of the love and support that we can provide. If you ever need anything at all, just let us know, and we'll find a way to help. Until thenwell, I really hope you find whatever it is you are looking for." "Thanks, Dad. I really do appreciate what you guys have done for me, even though I haven't been able to show it at all. Let me pack up my things, and make a few calls. I won't be in your hair any longer than I have to." "Scott, we don't mean you need to leave this instant. I really hope you know that." "I do. I just didn't realize how badly I had overstayed my welcome. I love you both, and I'm sorry for bringing extra hurt and pain into your lives since I came." I stood up and walked up to my room and started packing. I wasn't angry in the slightest. I knew that it wasn't doing me any good to stay here, but I just couldn't bring myself to leave. Realizing the extent that I had been burdening them was all the incentive I needed. Once I had finished packing, I called Michelle and Dustin, and asked if I could stay with them. I warned Dustin on the phone that it might be stay of indefinite length. He understood and said that it was fine. He asked when I would arrive, and I asked if tonight would be too early. He said it wasn't, so I told him that I would be there in a little bit. After hanging up, I brought my bags downstairs. "Dad, I just realized something."

"Dad, I just realized something." "What's that?" I don't blame my dad for being confused. It had dawned on me after getting off the phone that I had no mode of transportation. "Can you drive me to DC? I told Dustin that I'd be there this evening, but I completely forgot that I don't have a car." I offered a weak sheepish half-smile, which seemed to remove any concern about my wellbeing for the moment. "Sure, bud. Not a problem. Let me grab your bags." The drive was silent. Dad was probably worried about how calm I had acted when they had practically thrown me out of the house. I was always quiet during that period of my life. It was almost a calm silence, but I knew that my dad was beating himself up for doing this. He did know that it was in my best interest. I knew it, too. When he pulled the car to a stop in front of Dustin and Michelle's house, my dad helped me get the bags out of his car before gently hugging me and reminding me to call if I needed anything. To say that my stay with the Smithson's was more adventurous than at my parents would be a wild understatement. Instead of any traditional form of therapy, Michelle's solution was to set me up on dates. On the first several dates she dragged me to against my will, she sat there as the date started bad, and got worse very quickly. On more than one occasion, the date was officially over before the entres had arrived. Eventually, I gave in, and agreed to at least behave myself. The dates were typically still miserable for all involved, but I tried to not be blatantly rude. I had no idea where Michelle was finding so many guys readily available, many of whom were exactly the types of guys I would normally go for: Tall, in excellent shape, a great personality, and a razor-sharp wit. I wondered at the time if she had talked people into going on sympathy dates with me regardless of their sexual orientation I clearly wasn't going to make any first moves, paid people to take me out, or just had a handful of guys slightly modify their appearances just enough to fool me, which wouldn't have been hard to do. After I'd been there about two months, I actually had a guy ask me for a second date. He seemed nice enough, and was somehow still interested in seeing me again, even though I'd made little effort to open up about myself past the most basic information, and had made no effort to learn a thing about him. For our second date, the guy made dinner at his house for me. After we ate, we sat on the couch. He slowly started inching his way closer to me. Before I knew it, he was kissing me. It felt nice. For a moment I felt better. Unlike when Will made his move on me, I didn't have any expectations that this guy would keep his hands to himself. Not that I had been hoping that he would make a move on me. While we were kissing, I didn't feel any guilt, so I just decided to go with it. Next thing I knew, I was naked on his bed and he was in his boxers, swallowing my load. As soon as I came, the guilt hit like a thunderclap. I was dressed and out the door before he even knew what happened. That night, I thought long and hard about how I felt about the events. I had actually felt something during the act. Granted, sex feels great no matter what, but I had been so numb for so long, that the fact that I was feeling anything felt pretty good in its own right. For the next month, I would have sex with any guy I could. The guilt was as painful as the act was pleasurable, but both were feelings, so I figured that I was making progress. Michelle still tried to set me up on dates, but she stopped quickly because the first words out of my mouth were usually asking for a quick fuck. It turns out that most of them were straight. My curiosity as to the source of the seemingly endless stream of eligible bachelors was satisfied. Nearly every night of the week I would go out and cruise various locations. I had no preferences. Anyone who was interested was fair game. I did have limitations. I would not allow myself to be penetrated in anyway. I was familiar with and could cope with the guilt associated with what I was doing. I wasn't sure I

anyway. I was familiar with and could cope with the guilt associated with what I was doing. I wasn't sure I could do the same if I allowed more to happen. Finally Dustin had enough. One night in early April, he confronted me as soon as I had walked in the door from one of my excursions. "Do you have any idea how stupid you're being? How dangerous what you're doing is? You do know that if you caught HIV Steve would never forgive you. Or me for that matter." "Why wouldn't he forgive you?" I understood why Steve wouldn't forgive me. That was a regular part of my post-coitus guilt routine. "Because I allowed you to do it." "Look. I hate to send you out this way, but you have Michelle and I really worried. Your stuff is already packed, and Ethan will be here in about an hour. You know that we are here for you, and we know that you're hurting, but this is just not the way to deal. I don't know what is, but it's not this." "Besides, Scott, you need to move on. That's why I was trying to get you on dates. I figured that maybe getting out there again might help you to move on." Michelle added, trying to be helpful. "You know that I can't do that, 'Chelly. I can't move on. Even if I could, I know that I don't want to. I can't allow myself to forget even the smallest thing about Steve. He deserves better than that. I will never forget him, and I really don't understand why no one understands where I am coming from." "We do. It's just you aren't listening to us. No one is telling you to forget anything about Steve. All" I wasn't about to let her finish that sentence. I didn't want to know what she had to say. It was perfectly clear to me that what everyone thought I needed to do was to forget about Steve and just move on. Well, that wasn't going to happen. I grabbed my luggage and walked outside to wait for Ethan to arrive. Dustin and Michelle waited inside for Ethan to arrive. When he showed up, they came out and hugged me, just like my dad had done when he dropped me off three months prior. Also like my dad, they told me that if I needed anything they would be there for me. With that, I got in the car and headed to Ethan and Emma's house. I hoped that I would fare better there than I did with my parents or with Dustin and Michelle. When we arrived, Emma sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms would they allow me to continue the same self-destructive behaviors that I put myself through at Dustin and Michelle's. They wouldn't push me for therapy, but she had plans of her own to help me. Even by the next week I was doing better. Part of the reason was that both of them refused to let me be alone with my thoughts as long as they were at home. I was still very depressed, and the pain was almost unbearable at times, but almost as soon as one of them returned home from work each day, they would drag me out of the house. We would go to restaurants, stores, parks, museums, anything. Most of the time, there wasn't much conversation between the three of us. Simply their constant presence was helping to provide me some comfort. We never talked about my feelings or how I was coping, and for that I was thankful. One day, early on, I was looking for a snack. I found a gallon of triple chocolate ice cream in the freezer while they were both at work. By the time they came home, I had eaten the entire thing. The rich dessert made me feel better and didn't have the same guilt attached to it as the random sexual encounters had had. I began to eat excessively. Ethan quickly got fed up with my new coping mechanism. He was convinced that it was just as selfdestructive as the wanton sexual escapades had been. A few times, he tried to get me to leave but Emma always stopped him. I was doing better overall, and she had some success in getting me to replace junk food with healthier alternatives in my binges.

food with healthier alternatives in my binges. "Dear, you know we can't just kick him out," Emma started one night after they went to bed. "He's actually trying. Maybe not as much as we'd hoped, but think about it from his perspective. If I died suddenly tomorrow, do you really think that you'd be handling this much better? "Besides, I really don't think he's emotionally ready yet to return to his home. We're pretty much the last line of defense. You've seen the change in him in the last six weeks or so." "Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't like it, but I don't think there's much we can do. He's my big bro, and I'll do anything I can to help him, but he just seems beyond help. Anyways, we really need to prepare ourselves, because I think the shit will hit the fan soon and he'll need us more than ever. The anniversary's coming up soon. By the way, if something were to happen to you, I think Scott would look like the posterboy for coping with grief compared to me." "Don't worry about that, I'm not planning on going anywhere for quite a while. I don't know what to do about the anniversary, though. I forgot that it's almost been a year since Steve was killed. Right now, I'll just hope that Scott is so far into his own world that he hasn't even noticed." For the next six weeks, life continued much as it had, although Emma had been successful in curbing my binge eating. Considering that whenever we went shopping she never left my side, I have no idea how she managed it, but she bought a scale. Learning that I had put on 20 pounds over a two-month span was enough to force me to get things under control. I still wasn't doing anything to take care of myself, but I did stop gaining weight. One day, I got a call from Tom. "Hey, Scott. I'm not sure how you feel about hearing my voice, but I need a favor." I knew what he meant. Tom's voice sounded almost identical to Steve's. Of course that's not surprising, seeing as they are identical twins. Despite my own feelings regarding Tom, which I knew were completely groundless, I decided to give him a chance. "I'll be honest, it's hard. But I think you expected that. I appreciate the call. What's up?" "It's about him. I haven't been able to bring myself to visit him sincewell, you know." "I haven't either, but I'm not sure how I can help with that." "It's just that I don't want to go by myself. The anniversary is coming up, and I'd really like it if you were beside me. You were the only person closer to my brother than I was. I just really need you with me. Please, I can't do it alone." "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know if I can. I feel like my body is being ripped apart just thinking about him." "You don't think I'm hurting too? You're not the only person who's feeling like they lost their other half. Identical twins, remember. We shared everything except love interests. That includes DNA. So I have a pretty damn good idea how you're feeling. Trust me, I feel the same way." In all the years that I had known Tom, this was the first time that I ever heard him curse. It was very jarring to hear something like that coming from him. I also had never considered that there was still at least one person that really knew how I felt. I really hadn't given Tom much thought since he died. I had purposefully avoided it because they were so identical. "I guess you're right. I know I've been unfair to you, but it's just hard." "No. I've thought about it a lot. If I was in your position, I'd feel the same way about me. I can't really blame you for that. Some days, I can't even look in the mirror because it's not me I see staring back at me." "Look, let me talk to Emma and Ethan. I know you need me, and rationally, I know I need to see him. It's just hard. I'll get back to you in the next few days. Does that work for you?"

just hard. I'll get back to you in the next few days. Does that work for you?" "That's fine. I wasn't necessarily looking for an answer today, anyways. Just give me a call." "Is it alright if I just send you text? Talking to you ishard. No offense." "That'd be fine. I know you're probably sick of hearing it, but I'm here for you." With that, we hung up. At dinner that night, I brought up Tom's phone call to Emma and Ethan. "Scott, I'm glad you talked to him. So what is it you want to do?" Emma asked me. "I want to drop off the face of the earth and disappear." Emma tried to cut in, but I wouldn't let her. "However, deep down, I know it's something that I need to do. I've been spending all my effort to avoid my pain, but running away hasn't really helped. I think I'm going to go. Besides, I'm not sure I will be able to live with myself if I don't go." "That's great, bro. I'll call the airline after dinner and make reservations for us," Ethan said. "No!" I said a little too loudly. Both of them jumped a little, and looked at me, bewildered. "It's just that I think it's something that I have to do myself. You guys have been amazing, but I think maybe it's time to go home." "Here's a thought: take all your stuff with you, but purchase an open-ended return ticket. Stay down there if you feel you can, but if you need to come back, you'll already have a ticket. Plus, even the irrational side of your brain will remember that you are welcome back." "Who are you, and what did you do with my little brother? That's possibly the most insightful piece of advice I've ever gotten from my little surfer." "You know I've never even been surfing, bro. It's just the way I talk. Besides, it lowers people's expectations. That way, when I have something deep to say, people will actually listen to me. Dude." Even I couldn't help but chuckle as he threw that last part in. "It's been hard on you. I can't imagine how hard it's been. But you've been slowly getting better since you came here. Part of me wishes that you'd come here first, but I think if you had then we wouldn't have been able to help you. You just weren't ready," Emma said, as we finished eating. I called the airline and did exactly what Ethan had suggested. Even though I thought I was ready to go home, I wanted to wait until the last possible moment, so I bought a ticket on the anniversary. I texted Tom after I had booked the flight so that he knew when I was scheduled to arrive. Before I knew it, it was the day. The anniversary of the day that Steve died. I was withdrawn as Emma and Ethan drove me to the airport. I didn't want to think too much, because I was worried that I would break down and cry. And just like that, I was on my way back home. I was dreading what awaited me. Had I known how quickly my life would change for the better, I probably would have been more excited.

6. Chapter 6 - Reunions
Soon enough, my plane landed, and I took my time returning to the main terminal. I wasn't trying to dawdle in hopes of blowing off Tom, although I have to admit that I considered it. I hoped that by stalling, my head

in hopes of blowing off Tom, although I have to admit that I considered it. I hoped that by stalling, my head would clear a little. I wasn't ready for this, but I didn't have much choice. Besides, I knew that that I would probably never be ready. Tom met me as soon as I walked up the stairs from the security area. He had already gotten my bags. I was struck by the fact that I immediately noticed the ways that Tom differed from Steve, and only then took into account the many ways that they were similar. I was seeing Tom as Tom and not as a surrogate Steve. Maybe this wouldn't be as hard as I thought. I suddenly realized that I must have been staring at him. "Is everything okay? First you take forever to get from your plane, and then you just stare at me." "Sorry, I was just trying to clear my head. And right now, I was noticing all the ways that you're not Ste him." "That's good enough for me. I was really worried how you'd react. Are you hungry? We might as well get some food before we get out of here. I'm not sure I'll want to stop once we leave, and neither one of us will be hungry after" Tom just left his voice trail off. We both knew what he was going to say, and neither one of us really wanted to vocalize that thought. We grabbed a quick bite at one of the sit down restaurants in the main terminal. We chatted, not really talking about ourselves. It was actually really nice. Tom and I had been really close before Steve died. Sometimes Steve would joke that it was because I was hoping to bag both of them. Either way, I really missed having my good friend by my side. "Scott, I'm actually planning on staying a while with you, if that okay." "Yeah, that should be fine. It feels good to have you back in my life. Is everything okay?" "For the most part, but I just miss having you around. You were always my other best friend. Besides, I know that a part of you needs me there, whether or not you'll admit it." We kept talking for a while after we finished. I know the waiter was getting irritated, but both of us were avoiding our next stop. Before we left, we did have a minor confrontation. "Scott, I just wanted to let you know that I've been talking with your parents, Dustin and Michelle, and Ethan and Emma. I know what all went down everywhere. I know the destructive ways you tried to avoid coping with your grief. I also know that you're doing a little better. What I need you to realize is that I need you as much as, if not more than, you need me. You have no idea how much pain I've been in." "What the hell do you mean by that? I lost the love of my life that day. And you think that I have no idea how much pain YOU'VE been in? What the fuck would you know about it? You've never been in love." My voice kept getting louder, as I let my anger take control. "Yeah, and you've never had a twin," he said quietly, wiping a tear from his eyes. My jaw just dropped. While I had been almost yelling by the end of my response, his rebuttal was almost a whisper. I slumped back in the chair as reality hit again. "Look, I think that we're just both really tense about this afternoon. We both had an extremely special connection to an extraordinary person. Neither of us know how to put our feelings into perspective. Tom, I didn't mean it." "Yes, you did. Or at least part of you did. But I know what you're saying. That part of our brains that censors our irrational thoughts seems to be on the fritz for both of us. You especially, no offense." I just offered him a thin smile, which he returned. We grabbed my bags and began to walk to the car. We drove in silence to the cemetery. * * *

It didn't take us long to reach the cemetery. After Tom parked, we just sat in the car for several minutes. Neither of us were quite ready to get out of the car. Just as I had done in the airport, we were simply delaying the inevitable. Tom eventually got out of the car, unable to put it off any longer. "I'll be there in a few minutes. I just need to gather my thoughts. And my courage." I told him quietly. "That's fine. I'd like to have a few minutes by myself anyways, so I'll see you up there whenever you're ready. Remember, I'm here for you." About ten minutes later, I summoned the nerve to join him. I slowly walked up the hill to Steve's headstone. My knees were weak, and it took all the strength I had to just put one foot in front of the other. As soon as I approached the headstone, my knees finally gave out. I just lay there, clutching Steve's headstone, sobbing uncontrollably. All of the emotions that I had tried to bottle up came rushing out of me. I'm not sure how long I lay there before I felt a warmth surround me. Suddenly, I heard Steve's voice speak to me for the first time since I left town all those months before. It was different than when he came to me in my dreams, more disjointed. It almost seemed like it was a rush of statements all spoken at once. "I'm glad you're here." "I forgive you for everything." "I need you here." "I need you to be strong." "I still love you." "You need to stay." Just as suddenly as Steve's voice had appeared, it was gone. It was almost like a gentle breeze that stops suddenly. I realized that Tom was holding me. "Did you just hear that?" I asked him, hopeful that I wasn't the only one who could hear Steve's voice. "Hear what? I was just holding you and telling you that Steve still loves you and he forgives you for everything. I said a few other things too, but nothing important. I was just trying to comfort you." "Oh." That really was all that I could think of to say. I didn't know if Steve had spoken to me or if it was really Tom. Their voices are similar enough anyways, that it was possible that my mind confused them. But I couldn't understand how I had heard different words than the ones that Tom said he spoke. I might have questioned my sanity, but I already knew my mind wasn't working the way it should. Besides, Steve had already appeared to me twice since he had died. I decided that it would be better to just not dwell on it. The sentiment was the same from either of them, so there was no harm either way. We just lay there a little bit longer, not speaking, or even moving for that matter. Eventually, we got up, and slowly walked back towards the car. "You know, I've been wondering about something ever since the funeral. I've always wondered where you went when you ran out." "I wasn't really paying attention, but I ended up at a coffee shop about two miles from here. But you knew that part, didn't you? That's where I ran into Will." "Do you want to walk it? I feel like moving around to clear my head. I just can't seem to shake this foggy

"Do you want to walk it? I feel like moving around to clear my head. I just can't seem to shake this foggy feeling." The whole idea of this walk seemed weird to me. It seemed out of character for Tom. I did like the idea of wandering and clearing my head, but I didn't know if I wanted to go back to the coffee shop in case Will was there. I wasn't sure I could deal with randomly running into him right now. Besides, Tom's car was here. "What about your car? If we walk, we'd have to walk the two miles back." Tom thought about it for a second. I began to think he had abandoned the idea. "Nah, we can just take a cab back to the car if we don't feel like walking back." "Why the coffee shop? It just seems like too specific of a destination for a random wander." "It's a perfect destination. We just visited Steve, and now we are retracing the steps you took on the last day you were here. I'm not sure if it's closure, or what, but you probably were so far in your head that the run was not enjoyable" "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly in shape for a two mile run in the summer." I just pointed at my gut. "Hence why I suggested we walk. Besides, you haven't noticed where we are yet. We're now closer to the coffee shop than we are to the car. Now we might as well keep going." I was surprised to notice that we had already walked about a mile. "What the hell. We might as well keep going. I could definitely use an iced coffee or something, anyways." We continued the rest of the way in near silence. Occasionally, we would utter a few words back and forth, before the silence once again engulfed us. As we walked into the coffee shop, I immediately noticed that Will was sitting at a table facing the door. He looked surprised to see me, but not nearly as surprised as I was to see him. Will stood up, then was suddenly unsure as to whether he should hug me or shake my hand. I solved his dilemma by giving him a curt nod in acknowledgement. "I didn't know you were back in town. What brings you back?" Will asked, clearly ignoring my attempts to be rude and dismissive. "I know you know why I'm here." I responded icily. Will looked hurt for a moment, and then it was as if a light bulb went off above his head. The hurt in his eyes changed to compassion. "Has it been a year already?" He asked me. "Today's the anniversary of his death. I really can't believe it's been a year since Steve died. It really just" I was going to keep talking, but that's when I realized what had slipped out of my mouth. I covered my mouth with my hands, as if I could prevent other words from slipping out as well. Will's face grew into a big grin. "I'm really proud of you. It may not seem like much, but you're making progress. Trust me, it's a big deal." I actually did believe him. As soon as I realized what I had said, I had expected a surge of pain and sadness to overwhelm me. Instead, I actually felt almost.well, good. Not entirely, though, and there was some pain. I began to realize why Will had pushed me from the first time we met to try to get me to say that Steve had died. "Anyways, now that you know why I'm here, I'm curious as to why you are here. I remember you told me

"Anyways, now that you know why I'm here, I'm curious as to why you are here. I remember you told me before I left that you rarely came here." "Actually, I was supposed to meet Tom. He called and asked if he and I could talk this afternoon, and suggested that we meet here. I never expected him to bring you, though. Please, Scott, I'm not trying to " I was beginning to get angry at both of them. Tom had known about the stunt that Will pulled on me. I couldn't fathom towards what goal they were conspiring. "Scott, listen," Tom began, "Will really didn't know you were coming. I'm not sure that he would have come had I told him my plan to get you to talk. I know you won't even consider seeing anyone officially, but Will was able to get you to come to life a little, from what Sarah has told me. It would be great for you to have someone to open up to again." "I'm not sure I can do that after what happened." I realized that I was talking to Tom about Will as if he wasn't standing right next to us. "Sorry, WillI" I didn't know what else to say at the moment, so I just let my voice trail off. Tom jumped right back in. "Well, maybe you can get a sense of closure, if nothing else. Sit with him. Talk about what happened, your feelings, whatever. Just don't run off. I'm going to go ahead and catch a cab back to my car. Do you want some money for cab fare for yourself?" I just shook my head. "Ok, I'll see you back at your house," he called over his shoulder, already half-way out the door. "Scott, please believe me. I really didn't know you were coming. Had I known that, I would have called you or something. Please tell me that you know that I wouldn't try to hurt you more than I already have." "I do believe you. Why don't we at least sit down or something before people start staring at us." We both took our seats and then just sat there staring at our hands. I don't think that either of us really knew how to start the conversation we needed to have. Finally, I took the initiative. "Look, Will. I don't hate you or anything like that. I hope you know that. I just never thought of you that way. I'm not sure if I could ever think of you that way. Suddenly it all just became too much for me to handle. I just HAD to get the fuck out of this city." He seemed surprised that I wasn't still angry. Sure, what he did had really messed with my mind, but that was nothing compared to what I did to myself while I was visiting my Dustin and Michelle. "Scott. I really don't know what came over me that night. I thought you had been possibly moving on. You had been doing so much better, you were talking about Steve less and less, and you were smiling regularly. If I remember right, I think I even got you to chuckle, if not laugh, a few times. I really thought at the time that you were making your intentions clear when you held my hand the whole way home from the play." I could feel myself begin to get angry, and was about to cut in, but Will held his hand up, indicating that he wanted to at least finish his thoughts before I tore him a new one. "I realize now that I had misread the signs altogether. In fact, I think in hindsight that I may have just been looking for an excuse. I'm really sorry for taking advantage of your trust in me." He looked at me, and I realized that he expected an answer. With what he had just confessed, I really didn't have an answer, nor was I prepared to give one. "Me too," I said after a few moments. It was really the only thing I could think of to say.

"Do you think that you'll ever be able to forgive me? Or trust me?" Again, I had to think briefly before I could come up with a response. "Honestly, after what you just told me, it will take a while for me to forgive you, but I think I can. Eventually. Had I not known that you may have known at the time that it was wrong, it would be easier for me to do so, but I'm glad I know. It's better than if I had found out later. But as far as trustI'm just not sure about that one." "No, I understand. And honestly, it's completely fair. I'm just glad that you seem to be moving on, though. You were in so much pain" "I'm not sure that I'm moving on. I'm still not entirely convinced that I want to." Whatever had happened in the cemetery earlier seemed to have altered my mood a little. Those words, which only a few days before had incited a panic within me, just seemed to really scare me. I remembered that Steve said there was a relationship between forgetting and moving on, but I didn't quite know how to interpret it yet. Since they were treated separately by Steve, I was beginning to wonder if they should be treated as separate concepts as well. "After you left, I spent a lot of time thinking. I really was deluding myself. Scott, I really like you. I tried to put those feelings aside, but I just can't. I know you could never return those feelings, especially after I fucked everything up, but is there any way you can see us continuing to be friends? If I can't have you in my life at all, it'll make me very sad." Will cast his eyes down towards his lap. I noticed that he was blinking quickly, trying to keep tears from forming. I wanted to feel bad for him, but I really couldn't. It took my several minutes to form my thoughts. To his credit, Will seemed to know that I needed some time to think, and never pressured me. "I don't know if we can ever be good friends again, Will. I really did view you as a brother and confidant, and you shattered that view." He had looked up hopefully when I started talking, but now he could no longer try to blink away the tears. "I think we might be able to salvage some level of friendship, though it will be hard work on both of our parts." Will's hopeful look had returned, adorned with an air of confusions. "I get what I would have to work hard on in order for a friendship to work between the two of us, but what would you have work on?" He asked. "Just being your friend. That will be very tough for me. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh, it's just the way I feel right now." I explained. "No, I understand," Will replied shakily as he wiped another tear from the corner of his eye. We sat there quietly for about twenty minutes, just staring at our coffee cups, neither of us really sure what to say. I probably would have just left, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this conversation wasn't over yet, and I knew that both of us owed it to each other to see the conversation through until the end. Finally, it was Will who broke the silence. "You know, I have a good friend who I turned to talk to after you left. He's a really good listener, if you're interested in meeting him." "This isn't an attempt to set me up with a shrink is it?" I couldn't help but crack a small smile as I asked. "Not at all. I'm not sure why you hold us in such low regards, but I actually met him at the gym a few years ago. We worked out together for a while and then started hanging out. He's actually become one of my best friends. Especially since you" Will's voice trailed off.

best friends. Especially since you" Will's voice trailed off. "After I left." I finished for him. I looked back down at my coffee mug. I knew that my leaving would hurt him, but I had hoped that Sarah would have explained it better than I could have at the time, and that he would understand. I figured that he would hate me for it, but I never thought that he would blame himself as badly as he clearly had been. Granted, a large part of me blamed him, but that's not the point. "I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I have to think about it. I'm not looking to be set up, or to really meet any new people at this point. I just want to try to pull my life back together." "I understand, but don't think for a moment that I'm trying to set you up. I remember how much you opened up to me, and I really think a lot of that had to do with me being a stranger. I didn't know you, had no idea of your pain, and there was no way I could directly relate to your feelings. Anything you told me stayed with me, if for no other reason than I didn't know anyone you knew. Who could I have told? Besides, as a psychologist, I take doctor/patient confidentiality seriously, even if you were never my patient. "The offer to meet my friend stands. Just think about it." Now it was Will's turn for his eyes to drop to his coffee cup. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you might want to consider going to the gym. However you were coping while you were away has led to you becoming a little soft." I couldn't help but get a little angry. I know he was trying to be a friend and offer some advice, but it was far too soon for me to be able to take it. I'm glad he didn't let me cut him off before I said something I would eventually regret. "You still look great, don't get me wrong. But you've told me how much you and Steve used to enjoy going to the gym. I'm not trying to replace him in any way, but I usually go to the gym in the evenings if you're interested in coming with me. I know you're not ready to be friends, but maybe we could be gym buddies. You wouldn't even really have to talk to me." I sighed. I knew he was right about my body. Ever since I had packed on 20 pounds at Emma and Ethan's house, I had hated my looks. Especially considering that Steve would have been on my case to get back into shape had he still been alive. "I guess I can give gym buddies a shot. No guarantees that I'll continue it, but I'll meet with you once and then we'll take it from there. Does that work for you?" "That'd be great. Maybe pumping up the adrenaline a little will also make you start to feel more normal, too. Tomorrow is Sunday, so why don't we meet up on Monday in front of the gym. It's just a few doors down the street if you hadn't noticed it before." "I hate to beat a dead horse, but I have to know something. I need you to swear that you have no intentions of trying to make a move on me, and will let any friendship that might develop take its natural course. No interference." "None, whatsoever. I really appreciate you giving me a chance to continue to be a part of your life. I really wish that we had met at a different point in your life. You are a great guy, and I think we could have become really good friends, and I know that I fucked it all up. I'm just grateful for any chance to try to rectify my errors." One look in Will's eyes told me everything I needed to know. If the fact that his voice was wavering and straining hadn't been enough, he's eyes made it clear that he was being as sincere as he could be. I really liked the idea of working out, and maybe I could find a way to forgive him. Will really was a wonderful guy, and I was beginning to appreciate how much he had helped me in the months that followed Steve's death. I stood up, and held out my hand for Will to shake. He looked slightly disappointed that I didn't offer a hug, but I just wasn't there yet. He took my hand and shook it firmly. "I should really head back to my house to make sure that Tom hasn't destroyed anything. But I will meet

"I should really head back to my house to make sure that Tom hasn't destroyed anything. But I will meet you at the gym on Monday evening. I do like the idea of shedding some pounds of flab," I said quite honestly, with a little bit of a grin. "I'm glad we had the chance to talk again, Scott. You're a great guy. I really hope I can prove that I just want to be friends." "Me too," I said as honestly as I could. With that, I walked outside and managed to flag down a cab without difficulty before heading back to my house for the first time in nine months.

7. Chapter 7 - Homecoming
When the cab arrived at my house, I quickly headed up to the front door. It didn't look any different on the outside from when I left, although I had noticed that the grass was mowed and the shrubs had been tended to. I made a mental note to thank Sarah and Chris for taking care of the outside appearance while I was gone. They probably only did it because I'm sure my other neighbors were concerned with their property values. Most of my neighbors were not the caring types. I braced myself before I walked in the door. I could already picture that the inside looked like something out of a suspense film, with everything blanketed with inches of dust and covered in thick cobwebs. I opened the door and walked in. I was shocked. Absolutely floored. The place looked as good, if not better, than when I left. There were no traces of dust. The floors even looked like they had been waxed, something I had never bothered to do. It looked fantastic. I made another mental note to wax them more often. I set my bags down and shut the front door just as Sarah walked into the living room from the other room. "SCOTT!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!!" She squealed, jumping into my arms for a hug. For such a petite person, she could make a lot of noise. I hugged her, and then set her back on the ground. Feeling myself smiling, I realized just how much I had missed her. I'm not even sure that I had really thought of her at all during my time away. Tom walked in before I could say anything. "You look like you're doing better than earlier," he said to me. "Thanks. I actually think that I am." "So, asshole, are you going to tell me the details? I want to know EVERYTHING that went on while you were gone. I missed you so much!" Sarah said, as she started dragging me to the couch. The three of us sat down, and I proceeded to tell her of all of the events that unfolded when I was at my parents', Dustin and Michelle's, and Ethan and Emma's houses. I didn't bother to leave any details out, because I just knew that Sarah would find any holes in my story and demand that I fill them in anyways. Tom already knew most of the details from having heard directly from my friends and family. He just sat there as he listened to everything from my perspective. Surprisingly, Sarah didn't have any questions for me, nor did she admonish me for my activities. I guessed that Tom had probably already filled her in, but she wanted to hear it

activities. I guessed that Tom had probably already filled her in, but she wanted to hear it all from me. "So tell me all about your conversation with Will. I want to know all the juicy details," she asked after I had finished catching her up on everything that happened prior to the current day. I felt my temper rising slightly. I couldn't figure out how she already knew that I had met with him. "Tom, did you already tell her about you blind-siding me with a forced run-in with Will?" Tom's eyes dropped to his shoes. "UmI didn't exactly have to" he mumbled, allowing his voice to taper off at the end. "Wait. You orchestrated this whole thing, didn't you?" I asked, redirecting my anger towards Sarah. "Please don't get mad. I just suggested that Tom get the two of you together. When Tom came back without you, I knew that he had succeeded. I truthfully don't know anymore about it than that. I'm sorry for trying to push you to talk to him, but he's the only one that you've ever really opened up to about your problems. We just want to help. We know he screwed up. Hell, he knows he screwed up. Now tell me what happened!" I just sighed. When Sarah had her mind set on something, I had yet to find a way to distract her. I've found over time that it's usually just better to give in and give her what she wants. I told her everything that happened in the coffee shop. I was glad she didn't ask about the trip to Steve's grave. I knew I couldn't tell her that I thought Steve had talked to me. I had never told her about the times that he had come to me while I was asleep. Even if I had, she would think that I had gone crazy. I still wasn't convinced that I hadn't. "So you're not sure if you can trust him?" She asked when I was done. "No. Especially after he told me that he knew I wasn't ready for a physical relationship, nor was I interested in one. And yet, he still pushed one on me." "Then it's settled," she said with a certain degree of finality in her voice. "What's settled?" "Tom and I are going with you to the gym on Monday, obviously." "I can't ask you guys to do that." "I'm not asking. I'm volunteering us. You're not sure you can trust him. You may be right, but I'm not sure. Either way, you'll feel better if we're by your side," she explained. "Don't I get a say in the matter?" Tom asked. "Nope. We're both going with Scott. Besides, he's not the only one with a little extra flab," Sarah said with a laugh as she poked Tom in the side, causing him to jump a little. After a moment, her face darkened. "What's wrong?" I asked her.

"I'm just a little pissed at Will. Obviously, I knew about his crush on you, but he swore he would watch himself. I flipped the fuck out on him after you left for doing something so stupid. I had hoped that meeting him today would help make it easier to transition back into your routines, such as they were, but it sounds like he still has deep feelings for you. I really don't think he's stupid enough to try something again, though. He was devastated when you left." "Whether or not he plans on trying something, I'm not going to give him the opportunity. I'm willing to work on developing a friendship, but if that doesn't work, I will just wash my hands of the whole mess. That shouldn't be too hard to do, considering how much anger I still have towards him. I know it's stupid, but he just betrayed me so badly." "It's not stupid, Scott. I'd feel the same way," Tom piped in. I took the moment to try to steer the conversation back to lighter subject matter. Besides, I needed to thank Sarah. "You've done a great job taking care of the place. Thanks to both you and Chris, it hardly even looks like I was ever gone." "Actually, it was all me. Shortly after Steve died, when I was spending lots of time over here, Chris started to get jealous that I was ignoring him. It wasn't intentional, until he brought it up. Then I started avoiding him. You know, just out of spite. That was around the time you were spending more time with Will, so you really didn't need me. Of course, I never told him that. "Anyways, we legally separated a little over a month ago. The bastard started to get too damn clingy. Actually, I filed for divorce a few weeks ago, so assuming he doesn't try to contest it, everything should be settled soon. "To make my long story short-ish, I've been taking care of the place. Actually, I've been staying here. Now that you're back, I can find someplace else, if you'd like." I really didn't have to think about it. I knew that Tom was staying with me. And Sarah was there for me so much when I needed someone. There was no question in my mind that she was always welcome in my house. "No. I want you to stay here. There are two guest rooms, so it's not like we would be cramped. It might be nice for the house to feel more lived in. Besides, you've done such a good job. It'd be a shame to lose my new maid so soon." Sarah just looked at me blankly for a moment. I was worried that I had said something to offend her, but I couldn't imagine what it had been. "Wait. Was that a joke? Did you just crack a joke? Tom, did Scott just make a joke?" Tom just gave a big, toothy grin and nodded emphatically. Sarah, for her part, gave out a loud laugh. All that I was able to manage was a slight grin that may have slightly exposed my teeth, but it felt great. "I know you're not entirely back with us, but it's good to see a little bit of life in your eyes," she said seriously, once she had calmed down. "Now you just relax. Tom, help me fix dinner."

dinner." Once they left the room, I got off of the couch and walked over to The Spot. I could still feel Steve's presence coming from it. While I was waiting for dinner, I decided to sit down on it while they worked on dinner. This was different than previous times. I didn't feel the urge to curl up in the fetal position, or try to clutch the floor. I just sat there, feeling comforted by the closeness to Steve's presence. After dinner, I was feeling completely drained from the emotional toll that the day had taken, in addition to the strain of travel. I was terrified of the idea of going to sleep, because I hadn't had a restful night since I left. The nightmares had gotten better towards the end, but they never went away. Part of me was hoping that Steve might come to me again, but both of his nocturnal visits had made me feel even worse after he had left, so I was also dreading the idea. Finally, sheer exhaustion won out, and I bade goodnight to Tom and Sarah before getting ready for bed. Without much thought, I climbed into the bed on Steve's side, and quickly fell asleep. It was the first night since late October that I didn't have a nightmare. I didn't have any good dreams, but I certainly enjoyed a restful night without bad ones. *** I awoke Sunday morning feeling better than I had for a long time. I got out of bed, showered, and got ready for the day. When I walked out of the bedroom, Tom and Sarah were already sitting at the kitchen table, chatting and drinking coffee. They both seemed surprised to see me up, let alone looking rested. Other than the fact that Sarah wanted to go to the store for some groceries, none of us had any plans for the day. I sat on The Spot and did some work on my laptop. I had managed to work just often enough to keep a few of my bigger clients satisfied, but most of them had terminated their contracts with me. I couldn't really blame them. Since I was doing better today, I pushed myself hard. I figured if I could get people to notice any effort that I put forth, maybe they would request additional work or even recommend me to others who needed some work done. I sat there for several hours as I worked. I felt very accomplished when I set the laptop aside and joined Tom and Sarah in the kitchen to help with dinner preparations. After dinner, we just sat on the couch and chatted for a while before we all headed to bed. Once again, I slept on Steve's side, and once again, I didn't have any nightmares. I could really get used to this. *** Monday morning arrived without fanfare. Like the day before, I woke up feeling very refreshed. I showered, dressed, and met Tom and Sarah in the kitchen. Even though it'd only been a little more than a day, the house felt so much livelier than it had since Steve's death. Even when Will had practically been living with me, the place hadn't been nearly this active. Tom and Sarah were constantly talking, and often were successful in pulling me into the conversation. Sarah was constantly making jokes and trying to get either Tom or I to laugh. She was usually successful on Tom, but she even managed to get me to chuckle a few times as well.

After breakfast, I sat for about an hour more or less meditating on The Spot. Since I had returned, it had seemed like less of a place to escape the world in order to be near Steve and more of just a place of comfort. After I finished, I pulled out my laptop and worked for several hours. After a late lunch, the three of us relaxed and talked for awhile, chatting comfortably on the couch. Eventually, it was time to go to the gym. We all changed into some gym clothes. I felt a little self conscious because my gym shirt clung tighter than it used to. I felt like my gut was hanging out for the entire world to see. I knew that going to the gym was important to make me start feeling better about myself. Before we left, I reminded them that Will was not expecting them to be there. "Do you think I should have called Will to let him know that you two are coming with me?" I asked as we were walking out of the house. "Not at all," Tom responded. "Besides," added Sarah, "what better way to get true insight into his motivations? I just figured that he had made a mistake and misread signs, but after what he told you, I'm beginning to think that he had purposefully crossed the line and taken advantage of you. With us there, he has to see you as no more than friends, and his initial reaction might show if he has any ulterior motives." "I guess you're right," I conceded, as we climbed into Tom's car. Before long, we had parked and were walking to the gym. Will was waiting out front. At first he looked excited, but that expression changed briefly to disappointment when he noticed Tom and Sarah with me. He quickly recovered before we'd even gotten close enough to greet each other, but I couldn't help but think that maybe Sarah was right. Even if Will hasn't gotten over any feelings that he has for me, I hoped that he was able to realize that he doesn't have a chance at a relationship with me. Maybe he would have at another time in my life, but even if he had given me all the time in the world before I left, I still wouldn't have been able to think of him that way. "Hey gym buddy," Will said as we got closer. He stuck out his hand before I even had the chance to think about how to greet him. "I'm sorry if I looked a little disappointed when I noticed you, Tom and Sarah, I just wasn't expecting you. If I hadn't known before, I know now that all I can really hope for from you is friendship. I mean, I knew that, but I think somewhere in my mind, I hadn't allowed that to sink in." "As far as I'm concerned, it's all good. Just don't screw up again." Sarah said, greeting him with a hug. Tom and Will shook hands before the four of us walked into the gym. At first, we all worked out near each other. Eventually, Tom and Sarah broke off to use some of the other machines on their own while Will and I continued working out with each other. There wasn't much talking between the two of us, as we were focused more on the task at hand. After a while, Will brought up the subject of introducing me to his friend.

"Have you given any more thought into meeting my buddy? It would be good for you to have someone to talk to. With our history, I doubt you'd feel comfortable talking to me about your problems. Hell, I'm partially the cause of them." His tone was a little cautious, and was tinged with a little regret, but I didn't sense any feeling of ill-will towards me. "I've been thinking about it a lot since I left the coffee shop the other day. I think I'd like to, so long as you're certain that he's not going to think I'm interested in anything other than someone to talk to. I don't know if I can handle another misinterpretation of my feelings at this point." "Don't worry; I'll make sure that he knows. That shouldn't be a problem anyways. I've talked to him a lot since you left. Never about you specifically, but he knows that I screwed up by doing that." "In that case, there's no harm in meeting him. If I'm not comfortable with the situation, I can just walk away. Especially since it's not like I would actually know him." "In which case, you want to plan on meeting him a week from today? We'll meet at the coffee shop, if that works for you." "Yeah, that sounds fine. I'd say that I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not sure if that's entirely true. It'll be good for me though. Steve and I didn't have too many friends in the city, and sometimes I just feel so alone." "Perfectly understood," Will said, looking at his watch. "Shit! I really need to get out of here. I didn't realize how long we've been here. We still on to continue this tomorrow? It was nice to spend time with you. I really hope we can be friends again." "Me too. And no worries. I'll be here." "Great, I'll see you tomorrow!" With that, Will hurried to the locker room to change and leave. I glanced around, and saw Tom and Sarah running on adjacent treadmills on the far side of the room. I knew I wasn't ready to leave, and clearly they were still enjoying their workout as well. I walked over to the free weights section, and put some weight on the bench press. Since I didn't have a spotter, I didn't put too much weight on the bar. As I started to lift the weights up above my chest, I felt myself enter the zone. I felt calm and relaxed. I was beginning to wonder why I didn't return to the gym earlier. Of course, going to the gym had been something Steve and I had always done together, so it was something that I always associated with him. I have no idea how many reps I had been doing. My eyes were squeezed shut as I just allowed myself to be lost in the workout. Suddenly, I heard Steve's voice in my head. "Remember what I said." Suddenly the bar seemed much heavier, and I realized that I was struggling with it. My eyes shot open, just as someone helped me put the bar back into its holder. Embarrassed, I stood up from the bench, and turned to face the person that helped me.

I didn't even get a chance to get a good look at him. All that I saw were his eyes. I just stared, gazing into the most enchanting hazel eyes that I had ever seen. They were so rich and bright that it was almost like staring into two golden orbs. I felt myself slipping away as I became lost in those eyes.

8. Chapter 8 - The Struggle Within

I just stood there, staring up into the beautiful almost golden orbs in front of me. I'm not sure how long I was standing there like an idiot before I heard a cough that pulled me back into the real world. I blinked and for the first time, I noticed the entire person standing in front of me. I was looking at one of the most gorgeous men I'd ever seen. The guy was a few years younger than me, maybe 25, and stood a little taller than me, closer to 6'3". His chestnut hair was short and spiked with gel. His body looked amazing. His arms were large, with well-defined biceps. His shirt clung to his built chest, and he had a flat stomach, but the shirt wasn't quite tight enough for me to know how defined it was. My gaze was slowly drifting further south, before I even realized what I was doing. I could feel my shorts begin to constrict. I hadn't felt this way about anyone sincewell, since I met Steve. I forced my eyes back to his face, and was immediately drawn back into his eyes. He cleared his throat again. I blinked and forced myself not to gaze back into his eyes. He had an amused look on his face. "Iumsorry about that. My names Scott. Thanks for the help," I said, referring to the near-disaster that the man had saved me from on the bench press. "Not a problem. You just lost track of what you were doing for a moment." His voice was a very sexy tenor. The beautiful man standing before me stuck out his hand, which I took. "I'm Noah. So what are you doing on the free weights without a spotter? That can be dangerous if you're not paying attention." "I'm here with some friends. Two of them are over there on the treadmills," I said, pointing to Tom and Sarah. "The other one was working out with me, but he had to leave. I really didn't think I was pushing myself too hard." "Just promise me that you won't try it again unless I'm here to save you," Noah said with a laugh. I couldn't help but crack a smile at that. I noticed his eyes seemed to sparkle when he laughed. I felt my knees weaken slightly. I made myself look away before I got lost in his amazing eyes again. "UmI've been going through a lot, and am just starting to get back into going to the gym. I just want to get myself back into shape. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that it's about time to gather up my friends and head out. I don't need a repeat of the bench press." "That's cool. Hey, I normally workout in the morning, but I missed it today. Do you want to join me on Wednesday? It never hurts to have someone to workout with. We can push

join me on Wednesday? It never hurts to have someone to workout with. We can push each other a little harder, too." The idea that this gorgeous stud wanted to spend time with me was enough for me to be unable to find my voice. I just nodded my head. Noah chuckled. "Well, great. I look forward to seeing you Wednesday morning," he said with a smile. Once again, his eyes sparkled, and I had to fight myself to keep from becoming lost again. We shook hands again, this time, I felt like a jolt of electricity shot into my hand when we made contact. I turned, and gathered Tom and Sarah from the treadmills. Within minutes, we were back in Tom's car heading back towards the house. *** I spent the entire ride trying to figure out how I felt about Noah. Tom and Sarah were trying to engage me in conversation, but I was too lost in my own mind. It really bothered me that I felt anything towards Noah, let alone found myself so strongly attracted to him. I couldn't stop thinking about Steve's last word to me. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the hell he meant by 'don't'. Obviously it was very important, otherwise Steve would not have acted so cryptically when I tried to make him explain when he came to me. I could only hope that he would explain it to me soon Part of me thought that he was trying to tell me that he didn't want me to feel these feelings, but that didn't seem to make much sense. He had also told me to follow my heart. Granted, it wasn't my heart that was drawing me toward Noah. Rather, another part of my anatomy seemed to be in control. I was feeling so conflicted between those two statements. I really couldn't figure out what I should do. Ultimately, I couldn't help but feel incredibly ashamed about my feelings regarding Noah. At the same time, I found myself extremely excited at the thought of seeing him again. It was so damn frustrating to be so confused. When we pulled up to the house, I walked in and immediately sat on the couch. I wanted to be close to Steve, but the thought of being so close to him while I was thinking of Noah just made me feel dirty. I could tell that Sarah and Tom were concerned. For the past few days, my first and usually only destination in the house was The Spot. They quickly sat on either side of me. "What happened at the gym? You seemed really happy when you came to get us, but once we got to the car, you just shut down. Are you okay?" Sarah asked. "I don't know. There was this guy that I met after Will left. I can't stop thinking about him, and what Steve would think." "You're being much too hard on yourself. It's only natural that you would find someone that you had feelings for." Tom said, trying to comfort me. "Besides," he continued, "Steve would want you to feel like you could move on if you found someone that you were interested in." "I can't just move on. Steve and I were together for nine years! I can't just forget everything he meant to me and start seeing someone else."

he meant to me and start seeing someone else." "Well, no matter what you decide regarding this mystery guy, know that Tom and I will support you. Do you think that you'll run into him at the gym again?" Sarah asked. "Actually, we agreed to get together Wednesday morning and workout then." "What do you think about that?" "I'm not entirely sure yet. I think I really like the idea. There are just too many things going on in mind right now." "Well, I think you should go. Besides, you do need all the exercise you can get," Sarah said, poking me in the gut. "Anyways, it'll be really good for me. He's in much better shape than any of us. Hopefully it'll rub off on me." If I hadn't been so deep in thought, I would've noticed the knowing smirk that spread across Sarah's face. Tom didn't miss it, and grew one of his own. "Do you want us to come with you?" Tom asked me. I thought for a minute. I hadn't really thought about that. It had been good to have Tom and Sarah with me today, if only to ensure that Will understood the new dynamic of our relationship, but this was different. I would have feltI guess embarrassedif they came along. "No, I think this is something I need to do by myself. I really appreciate you guys coming with me today. Are you guys planning on coming tomorrow evening?" "Yeah, it'll feel nice to get some more exercise. Besides, I'm sure you still want some support when you're around Will. Am I right?" Sarah asked. "That would be nice. I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me. I hope you know that." "Scott, that's what friends do. We're here for you. No matter what happens." With that, we all decided that it was time for bed. I quickly showered to remove the sweat and grime from the gym before getting into bed. I may not have really understood my new feelings for Noah, but I still managed to feel incredibly guilty about them. As much as I still wanted the closeness of Steve, I couldn't bring myself to lie on his side of the bed. It just felt wrong. After a short while, I was able to fall asleep anyways. I wasn't asleep very long before I found myself engulfed in a nightmare. I jolted awake. I was now clutching Steve's side of the bed, screaming. There was a small pair of arms wrapped around my chest. I freaked out and jumped out of bed, causing Sarah, who had been trying to comfort me, to fall off the other side of the bed. "What the hell are you doing? This is his bed! You don't get to use it!" I screamed. Sarah just walked over to me and gave me a big hug, as I broke down, sobbing into her arms. I'm not sure how long she stood there with me blubbering into her shoulder, but

arms. I'm not sure how long she stood there with me blubbering into her shoulder, but eventually the tears began to fade. "C'mon, you big lug. You're sleeping with me tonight." I just nodded, and she guided me back to her room. I was surprised to see Tom lying asleep in her bed. She noticed my confusion. "I hope you remember that you're not the only one hurting right now. Sometimes, everyone needs someone to hold them and comfort them," she said a little bit cryptically. "Besides, it may be a little bit of a squeeze, but we'll all fit. Think of it as one big slumber party." I was too tired and distraught to put up any resistance. Before long, I fell back asleep with Sarah's arms wrapped around me. I didn't have any more nightmares that night, and managed to get a few hours of somewhat-peaceful rest. *** I awoke the next morning still wrapped in Sarah's arms. Both she and Tom were still asleep. I carefully extracted myself so as not to disturb them and headed into the bathroom before pulling on some clothes. I was still feeling incredibly guilty about my feelings for Noah. I knew that Steve was dead, but I still felt like I was being unfaithful. That didn't make sense, either. Steve and I always enjoyed checking out other guys together. Not that it meant anything, because we had each other. It's not like we ever brought any hot guys we found home with us. Well, that's not entirely true, but also not the point. After spending the entire evening and night guiltily trying to avoid Steve's presence, I simply couldn't handle it anymore. After dressing, I headed directly over to The Spot, and curled up. As soon as I arrived, I started crying softly, which continued through most of the day. When Tom came out to the living room, he tried to get me to move, or at least talk to him. I think I managed to tell him that I just needed to be close to Steve and that I felt guilty, but I truly don't know if I ever was able to vocalize anything. Either way, I know that he and Sarah whispered back and forth most of the morning. They managed to get me to at least sit up and eat a sandwich, but couldn't convince me to leave The Spot. They tried a few more times throughout the afternoon to get me to open up, but for the most part, they just left me alone, which was more than fine as far as I was concerned. About an hour before I was supposed to meet Will at the gym, Sarah came over and sat down beside me. "Scott, we're really worried about you right now. I really think you are overreacting, but that's not important. We all do things in our own way and on our own time." I couldn't say anything in response. I knew she was right. These feelings were completely natural. I just hadn't experienced anything like this in years. Not in nearly a decade. "Do you want to still go to the gym? I can always call Will for you and say that something

"Do you want to still go to the gym? I can always call Will for you and say that something came up. Or we could just blow him off. I'd have no problem with that. I was unsure at first. Working out had felt great, and it was nice to spend time with Will again, even if I couldn't yet bring myself to trust him. Initially, I was going to say no, on the off chance that I saw Noah there, but then I remembered that he said he usually worked out in the mornings. Besides, he would have asked me to workout with him this evening had he been planning on coming, I rationalized. I was looking forward to meeting Noah tomorrow morning. I was also really freaked out by the idea, but not as much as I was excited by it. But that was tomorrow. I wasn't ready for it yet. I was still lost in my thoughts after realizing that Noah almost definitely would not be there today that I didn't realize that I still hadn't answered Sarah's question. "Well, are we going to the gym?" she asked impatiently. I just nodded. I still couldn't quite find my words. "Good. Get up. You need a shower or at least wash your face, and put on your gym clothes. We need to leave soon." With that, she stood up and walked into her bedroom to get changed. *** Like the previous day, when the three of us arrived at the gym, Will was already waiting out front. Tension was high between Tom, Sarah, and I while we were working out. I think they were worried that I was going to break down in the middle of working out. I felt better, but I think a lot of that was the fact that I knew that there was no chance of running into Noah today. They didn't know that he wasn't going to be here. No one had asked, so I hadn't mentioned it. Like the day before, they worked out with Will and I for a while before breaking off to do their own things. I'm sure Will noticed the tension between us, but, to his credit, he never said anything about it. We didn't really talk while we worked out. After a while, we moved over to the free weights, and took turns spotting each other. I didn't tell Will about my near-accident after he left the day before, but I was grateful that he was there in case I had another mishap. The two of us finished before Tom and Sarah were ready to go, so we walked over to the coffee shop while we waited for the two of them. While there, Will asked if we would be joining him the next day. "I don't think so. I'm really glad you got me back into going to the gym, but I think I'm going to start going earlier in the day." "Did I do something to upset you? I'm trying really hard to make amends here and rekindle our friendship," he asked. I couldn't tell if he was hurt or just concerned about my change of plans. "No. It's nothing you did. It's just" I paused, trying to find the right words, "it's just something that I have to do." I left the statement vague. Even if he no longer thought of me in a sexual manner which I still wasn't convinced was the case I wasn't about to explain that I was beginning to think

still wasn't convinced was the case I wasn't about to explain that I was beginning to think of someone else in that way. I knew it would hurt him deeply, and I wasn't ready to cope with his anger. "Besides, it is surprisingly difficult to see you every day, because it has me constantly thinking about what happened between us, and everything that happened after I left as a result of that night." "You never told me about what happened after you left. Do you want to?" "Not really, no. Sorry, it's just that I went through a lot of shit. I know it's not really your fault, but in my head, I just can't help but place some of that blame on you. I really do want to try to be friends again, but I'm just not sure that I can. "I know, rationally, that what happened that night was not completely your fault, even if the first move was. It felt good and I just couldn't stop myself, even though I really did want to. Sorry." "No, I really do understand. I've spent the last nine months trying to push my feelings for you to the side, but it's really difficult. You have no idea how amazing of a guy you are, Scott." "I know those feelings are still there. I really wish they weren't, because I just don't think of you that way. And even if I wanted to, I don't think that I could. I've told you so many times that I really think of you as a second brother. And even though it's not entirely your fault, I just can't help but continue to feel betrayed by your actions that night. "I am still interested in meeting your friend. I wish that I could feel comfortable opening up to you again, but right now I don't. That night is still just too fresh in my mind to reconcile with the great friendship that we had before that. However, I do know that if this friend of yours is someone you can trust, then I can trust him as well." "So I take it we're still on for Monday then?" Will's voice was shaking a little when he asked that, and his eyes were moist with unshed tears. I knew that what I had said had hurt him and made him feel guilty all over, but he deserved to know my feelings. "Yeah, we're still on. Anyways," I said, standing up, "I should go gather up Tom and Sarah and head back home. I really am looking forward to meeting your friend." Will stood up as well, and stuck out his hand. Instead of shaking it, I pulled him in a brief hug. It almost felt like we were saying goodbye, even if for only a week. I think both of us knew that any attempt for a friendship to rekindle between the two of us was impossible with me in my current state. Sarah and Tom were walking out of the gym as I approached, so we just met at Tom's car. On the ride home, Sarah asked me how my talk with Will went. "Well, I told him that I wasn't going to work out with him anymore," I started. "You didn't tell him about the cutie you're going to be working out with did you?" she cut in. "Of course not. He wouldn't have understood. Besides, I'm not meeting up with him

"Of course not. He wouldn't have understood. Besides, I'm not meeting up with him because he's cute. I'm meeting up with him because he's going to help push me back into shape," I said, defensively. Tom and Sarah just chuckled. "Keep telling yourself that," Tom said with a grin. I just glared at the two of them. *** When we returned home, I spent some of the evening on The Spot. It was different than the previous day, though. I just sat there and relaxed, deep in thought. I realized that it wasn't a very big deal that I was attracted to Noah. It's not like I was going to act on my feelings in any way. I just wanted to have someone to workout with and talk to. I rationalized that I was just making a new friend, and not replacing Steve in anyway. I found a certain level of comfort in that thought. That night, I spent the night on my side of the bed. It wasn't the most peaceful sleep I had had since I returned, but I wasn't fraught with nightmares that night, either. Like the day before, I was up before Sarah and Tom. As I walked past their rooms, I noticed that Tom's bed didn't look like it had been used, which meant that he must have slept in Sarah's room again. From behind Sarah's door, I heard the unmistakable sound of someone softly crying. I realized that I hadn't been there at all to support Sarah, even though she was in the middle of going through a divorce with Chris. I vowed to work to change that. I was getting really excited about meeting up with Noah. I was more than a little upset at myself for being so excited, but I even had a little bounce in my step as I walked into the kitchen to get a quick breakfast before putting on some gym clothes and heading out to meet him. *** I parked my car and walk towards the entrance to the gym. Noah was outside waiting for me. When he saw me, he grinned and his eyes twinkled a little. For a moment, I felt my knees go weak again. It was almost embarrassing the power that this man had over me. "Hey, Scott. How are you doing this morning? I hope you're not planning on going crazy on the bench press again today," Noah said jokingly, reminding me that we met when I nearly crushed myself under the weights. "I'm feeling great this morning. And I'll be fine, as long as you're there," I responded, with a smile, which immediately faded when I thought about what I had just said. 'Shit,' I thought to myself. 'Did I just flirt with him?' I ran my last statement through my head again, and hoped that Noah didn't interpret it that way. "Everything okay? Your face got a little dark there for a second," Noah asked. I could almost feel the concern oozing through his words. His eyes had lost any semblance of the twinkle that had been there moments before. I felt better about that. It meant that my comment hadn't been misinterpreted. Or correctly interpreted. I wasn't really sure what I had meant. I gave him a small smile.

interpreted. I wasn't really sure what I had meant. I gave him a small smile. "No, I'm fine. I just spend a lot of time stuck inside my head lately. It's not a big deal." "Alright, if you say so." Clearly, he didn't believe me, but he was nice enough to let it go. With that, we went inside and started working out. We chatted idly for a while, and he gave me tips and pointers as we went to help get more out of each exercise. Even though I had regularly gone to the gym with Steve, we didn't really know what we were doing. We just hopped from one piece of equipment to another and pushed each other. Noah really knew what he was doing, and I was grateful that he was giving me some advice. After a while, Noah asked me why I was so interested in getting as many tips as I could. "Oh, nothing major. I just realized that I needed to get back into shape," I told him. It wasn't necessarily that I didn't trust my new workout buddy, but I just wasn't ready to open up about anything. Besides, we weren't exactly in the proper venue for me to go into details of the past year. "If I may ask, how exactly did you get out of shape?" Noah asked. I could tell he was eyeing me up and down, but I didn't think that he was checking me out. I knew he was checking out all the problem areas that I saw when I looked at myself critically in the mirror. "Let's just say that I've had a very rough year, and I spent a lot of time coping in several self-destructive ways. The last one I engaged in was over-eating. I've actually put on about twenty pounds, and I'm really hoping to shed them. I really miss the flat stomach that I used to have." I pointed to my gut as I said that last part. I was actually fairly proud of myself for summing up the past year without going into any major details. In fact, I'd almost made it sound like small talk. Noah chuckled slightly when I was finished. I gave him a perturbed look. I didn't understand what part of my story could be interpreted as amusing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh or anything. I just have a hard time imagining you twenty pounds lighter." My look of irritation quickly changed to one of dejection. Before I could even form a coherent thought, though, Noah continued with his thought. "Shit. That didn't come out right either. What I mean is that you're already looking pretty hot." My mind completely froze on me. It seemed like events in my life were repeating. I was beginning to wonder if Noah was just another Will, waiting in the wings for a chance to make a move when I least expected it. I realized that I needed to get out of there. "Noah, I'm sorry, but IuhI think I need to leave." I began to quickly walk towards the front of the gym. "Scott! Wait!" Noah called, trying to catch up. I stopped and waited for him. When he arrived, I just said that I needed to get some fresh

I stopped and waited for him. When he arrived, I just said that I needed to get some fresh air. "It's nothing personal, I promise. I'm still interested in working out with you tomorrow if you're still interested." "Yeah, I'd really like that," he responded. Noah didn't offer anything in the way of an apology for his remarks, but I didn't really expect him to. The rational part of me knew that he had no clue as to what had caused my change in behavior, but I didn't feel like explaining it to him. I only wanted to try to clear my head. We shook hands again before I left. I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. My feet decided for me, and without even realizing it, I found myself wandering aimlessly through the city. I had no idea where I was until I noticed familiar surroundings. I glanced at my phone, and realized that I had been walking around for nearly two hours. My feet had directed me to the cemetery. I figured that this was my subconscious' way of forcing my hand, so I quickly crossed the street and walked up the hill, quietly approaching Steve's grave.

9. Chapter 9 - Working Things Out

Once I had arrived at Steve's grave, I fell to my knees. Weeping, I poured out my heart to Steve, explaining the events of the past few days to him. "Steve, you were always the one person that I could unload all of my problems on without any judgment, and the one on whom I could rely for advice, even if it was at your detriment. I don't even know what's going on in my life anymore. I just feel so lost without you. "For the past few days, I've been trying to forgive Will, but I just can't seem to be able to bring myself to do it. I want to be friends with him again, I really do, but even that seems like an impossibility at this point. After you died, he was the only one who made me feel like I could talk to them about what I was going through. I just can't trust him enough to open up anymore. I don't want him to get any wrong impressions. "At least one good thing has come of the past few days, though. Will convinced me to go back to the gym again. I always thought of it as something you and I did, more for fun than for any other reason. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until now. I've gotten out of shape and have let my body go. It makes me feel good to think about being back in shape. I know that my actions this past year have probably hurt you, but I just haven't been able to find a way to ease my pain. All of my attempts have only hurt me in the long run. Now I'm finally doing something to try to undo some of that. "But I have to tell you about something that happened at the gym. There's this guy that I worked out with briefly the other day, and then again today. He's in really good shape, and has been giving me pointers and tips to try to really bring my body back around. The thing is, I find myself really attracted to him." Even though I was still fully aware of my surroundings, and had been told by Steve in his first appearance that he was fully aware of everything that I went through, I was very embarrassed about the idea of explaining to my dead husband that I was beginning to have feelings for someone else. If Steve was here, he would have found this whole situation to be hilarious. Then again, if Steve was here, I wouldn't be having these feelings. I continued to unload the thoughts that were weighing me down. "I tried to fight these feelings, but this guy is just so damn cute. He even makes my knees weak by just looking at me. I haven't felt this way about anyone since I first met you.

"Steve, this really fucking terrifies me. Please understand that I don't really want to have these feelings about anyone. All I want more than anything in my life is for you to come back to me. I just wish these feelings would go away." As I said that last sentence, I felt a warm breeze blow. It didn't seem to come from any one direction, rather from all directions at once. As I felt the warm breeze circulate around me, my pain seemed to ease slightly. After a few moments, the breeze faded away. With my head feeling clearer, I slowly walked back to street. My feelings for Noah hadn't lessened, but I felt better about that. I wasn't excited about the idea of having a crush on someone else, but I felt that somehow Steve understood. And through it all, he was happy about it. Between working out, my long walk, and my emotional release at the cemetery, I didn't have the strength to walk back to my car. Instead, I pulled out my phone to call a cab to take me to it. When I got to the car, I quickly drove home. * * * By the time I got home, I felt like my head was actually clear for a change. Tom and Sarah were in the kitchen when I walked inside. I realized that I needed to start putting myself out there and try to recruit some new clients, so without a word to the other two, which I had not done since Steve had died. I immediately pulled out my laptop and started to work. Sarah walked into the room, and called my name to get my attention. "Is everything okay? You were gone a while. Tom and I were starting to get worried." "No, I'm fine. I just got a little overwhelmed working out with Noah, so I ended up taking a long walk to clear my head." "Oh, so I take it that Noah is the name of the mysterious man that you've got the hots for?" she asked, with a quick laugh before getting serious again. "He didn't do anything to make you uncomfortable did he?" I blushed. "Yeah, his name is Noah. He didn't do anything intentionally. We were talking about why I wanted to lose weight, and he commented that he thought I was already hot. I got a little uncomfortable, so I bailed on him. "Before you say anything, I know it was a chicken-shit action and I feel bad. I told him before I left that I would work out with him again tomorrow. I didn't tell him anything other than that I've been going through a really bad spot the past year. He seems like a really nice guy, and I don't think that he would have said or done anything had he known." She just looked at me blankly for a moment. I was a little concerned, because I couldn't read her expression at all. "Scott, I told you repeatedly during the whole thing with Will that you are a very attractive man. Obviously other men can't restrain themselves around you. But I am so glad to hear you say what you just did. You may have been overwhelmed, but overall you handled the situation wonderfully. "I'm still not convinced that you answered my question sufficiently, though. Are you sure you're alright?" "Yes, Sarah, I'm sure. What the hell is this third-degree about?" I was beginning to get irritated. I had already answered that question, and explained what had caused my funk. I didn't know what more she needed to know to make her understand that I was feeling fine. "I'm sorry; I'm really not trying to grill you." I could tell from her voice that she was being sincere. "It's just that you're not on The Spot. We all know that's your usual base of operations. The only times that you've come into the house and immediately sit down on the couch, something is really bothering you." I hadn't even thought about what I was doing. I had just walked into the house and started working. I told Sarah as much. I barely got the laptop out of the way as she ran and jumped into my lap, giving me a huge

Sarah as much. I barely got the laptop out of the way as she ran and jumped into my lap, giving me a huge hug. That evening, after we finished eating, I thought of something that I was surprised hadn't occurred to me before. "Sarah, I've been so far deep in my head that I haven't been paying attention to much of anything. Did the police ever find the guy who" I'm not sure if I would have finished that sentence even if my voice hadn't broken. I had tears running down my face as I vividly recalled the day Steve was killed. Sarah sat down next to me, and pulled me into her arms. "Actually, only a few days later, police responded to a robbery at a local store. The robber was killed, but not before he shot three cops. One of them died, if I remember correctly. Anyways, the police called your house a few days later. You were so out of it that I'm sure you don't even remember the call. It turns out that his fingerprints were found on the door to the house, and the gun matched the one used to shoot Steve. I would have told you earlier, but I never knew how to bring it up." I lay there for several hours, leaning into her, alternating between sobs and quiet tears. The entire time, she just rubbed my back, neither of us saying a word. I would have thought that knowing that Steve's killer had been apprehended would have made me feel a little better, but I was wrong. It didn't make me feel any worse, though. It just brought back a lot of emotions. By the time I went to bed, I did feel better. Even though I hadn't been thinking about it, it was as though a weight had been lifted from my chest. When I crawled into bed, I felt like I had after I had visited Steve. * * * I woke up on Thursday feeling even better than I had the previous morning. Again, I hadn't had any nightmares. I was just as excited about meeting up with Noah as I had been the day before, but I was also a little more nervous because of the way that our work-out session had ended. I was still a little bothered by my feelings towards Noah, but talking to Steve the day before had done a lot to make me feel better about them. I quickly got ready and headed off to the gym. When I arrived, Noah was waiting outside. As someone who has always prided himself on his punctuality, I was beginning to get a little miffed. Four days in a row, the person I was supposed to meet at the gym had arrived before me and had been stuck waiting. I felt a little better when I checked the time on my phone only to discover that I, myself, was a few minutes early. When I approached, Noah gave me a smile, but his eyes didn't sparkle. Instead, they looked sad. I immediately felt guilty. I didn't realize how much I had been looking forward to seeing that sparkle, but I did realize that I was probably the reason for its absence. I greeted Noah, and stuck out my hand for him to shake. He looked at my outstretched hand, but did not take it. "Look, Scott, I want to apologize again for yesterday. I've been kicking myself ever since you left. I'm sorry for assuming you were gay. You just needed a buddy to be there for you, and I fucked it up. I'm really sorry for hitting on you yesterday, and I really hope that you'll be able to forgive me." I was shocked. I may not be a flaming queen, but I don't think another person had assumed I was straight after briefly getting to know me. In the past year, both Noah and Will had assumed that I was after my reaction to a pick-up line. "No. It's not that at all Noah. I am gay, it's just that with everything that I've gone through, the comment just made me feel overwhelmed and I needed to leave and clear my head. I know I didn't handle it very well, and I feel awful that you've been beating yourself up over it the entire time." Noah's eyes sparkled a little while I spoke, which brought back the all-too-familiar weakness in my knees. The sparkle left while I finished, but his hazel eyes were no longer sad. They now looked like deep pools of concern.

"Is it something you want to talk about? I'm more than willing to listen if you want, and I've been told that I'm an excellent listener." "No offense, Noah, but no, I don't. I'm sure you're a great listener, but I haven't had too much luck opening up with people recently. Besides, we should get into the gym. If you like the way I look now, just wait until I get my flab back under control. You won't be able to keep your hands to yourself!" I put my hand up to my mouth as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I had no idea where they came from. Yesterday, I had been so upset with a mildly flirtatious comment by Noah that I had fled the gym mid-workout, yet today I was making an even bolder statement back at him. Noah stood there shocked for a moment after I spoke. He clearly wasn't sure how he should respond. After a moment, he just lifted his mouth into a big, toothy grin, which let me know that he had chosen to interpret it at least on the surface in a joking manner. I let my hands fall from my face, and broke into a big grin of my own. What happened next surprised me more than anything. I laughed. Not a light chuckle, which is pretty much all that I had managed for the past year, but an actual laugh. Noah, for his part, just followed my lead. After our laughter subsided, which took much longer than would normally occur for something so trivial, we walked into the gym together and began to workout. The majority of the workout was done in a very comfortable silence. We would occasionally make small talk, or Noah would give me some pointers, but for the most part, we just enjoyed each other's presence. Well, I enjoyed Noah's, and I was hoping that the reverse was also true. As we were finishing up, Noah stopped me before we left. "Scott, just so you know, I won't be able to hit the gym with you tomorrow or on the weekend. I wish I could, I haven't had this much fun working out in too damn long. Unfortunately, I have a standing weekly appointment that I can't bring myself to miss. Hopefully, you want to get together again on Monday?" I was going to say 'yes', jumping on the opportunity to see him again. Unfortunately, I remembered my meeting with Will and his friend. I asked Noah if the following Tuesday would work for him, knowing full well that we were nearing the point of having to exchange numbers to arrange a future workout session, something that I was definitely not willing to do just yet exchange numbers that is. "Tuesday works perfectly for me. Actually, it would have been a little bit of a crunch to make Monday work, because I have some plans that I just remembered as well," Noah said. With that, he put his hand out for me to shake. I brushed it aside, and pulled him into a gentle hug. Noah stiffened at first, but quickly returned the light embrace. I don't know exactly what compelled me to do that, but it just felt right. After we broke the hug, we parted, each going our separate ways. As we left, we were both blushing. * * * Friday morning, I woke up feeling slightly directionless. The previous four days, I had gone to the gym to work out, but I'd told Will that I was having trouble reconciling our past so far and wasn't ready to see him regularly yet. Noah was unavailable through the weekend, which bothered me a lot more than I was willing to admit. Sarah and Tom had both left the house for the day, so I putzed around the house for a while, and managed to get some work done. Finally, I threw myself into giving the house a thorough scrub-down. This wasn't really necessary, as Sarah had done an amazing job keeping the house looking better than ever, but it was something to do. I dusted and cleaned all the surfaces and wiped down the cabinets. I even took stuff out of cupboards so that I could wipe the shelves clean. Then I vacuumed the floors, and began to scrub them. When I got to The Spot in the living room, something wasn't sitting right with me. No matter how much I scrubbed, it just continued to bother me. Finally out of desperation, I moved an accent rug from our bedroom and placed it over The Spot. I'm not sure what that did, but it satiated my worries.

When I was finished, I grabbed my laptop, and sat down on the accent rug. From that vantage point, I continued to work for several house. Eventually, Sarah and Tom returned to the house. When Sarah saw me sitting there, she began to cry. I was worried. Since she hadn't seen upset when she first walked in, I had absolutely no idea what had caused this or what the actual problem was. A part of me couldn't help but wonder if I had had something to do with her sudden change of mood. I jumped up off of the rug, and pulled her into a hug. Before I even had the chance to ask her what was wrong, she began to explain. "Scott, you covered up the stained floor. I'm justit'sI can't believe" I had never seen Sarah at such a loss for words. I didn't know that The Spot held any significance to her or anyone else but myself. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm not sure why I put the rug there. I was cleaning, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to do something. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I felt like I had to do more. I ran out of ideas, so I tried the rug. It seemed to help, but if it bothers you, I can move it back to the bedroom." I was just about to break our embrace and move the accent rug when she stopped me. "No, don't do that!" Sarah said more forcefully than I expected. "I'm not upset that you covered it up. I honestly couldn't stand seeing it every day. You knowsuch a blatant reminder of what happened. I know it's important to you, so I've never said anything. I'm not crying because I'm upset. You're beginning to pull yourself back together, and that just makes me so happy." Her tears fell again, heavier this time, as I pulled her deeper into our hug. When Tom came home, there was a less dramatic repeat of the same encounter. We just sat around and chatted, and had a pleasant, if uneventful evening. * * * When the sun came up on Saturday, I awoke feeling good overall. However, my body was so used to working out every day that I was feeling a little off. I decided to go for a run. Tom and Sarah were still asleep, or I would have asked them to come with me. I hadn't put any focus on cardio in the past week at the gym, nor had I done any real running or jogging in the past year. As a result, I found I wasn't able to run very far before I was gasping for breath. I began to alternate between jogging and walking. I was enjoying the nice July morning, before the heat and humidity made it unbearable. I kept pushing myself, as I desperately wanted to force myself back into shape. I was sore from the past week at the gym, but I was no longer going to allow any physical pain to stop me from reaching my goal. Like I had the past several times that I had spent time on foot, I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. In hindsight, I probably should have paid more attention to that, just so that I was aware of how far I had to go to get back to the house. I pushed myself to a run for a few blocks, before I had to stop completely to catch my breath. With my hands on my knees, I looked around and noticed that I was, once again, right across from the entrance to the cemetery. Maybe it was just a coincidence, or maybe my subconscious was trying to send a message because I seemed to find my way here blindly whenever I wasn't paying attention. I decided to take the opportunity to stop and visit Steve again. I knew I'd been there three times in the past few weeks, and that before that I hadn't been by to visit since his funeral. I felt bad that I hadn't been by more frequently, but strangely I felt a little bad that I had been coming by so frequently in the past few weeks. I almost felt like I was disturbing him. When I had arrived at Steve's grave, I started to speak. "Hi, Steve. I'm sorry that I didn't visit you for so long. It was just so hard living here without you with me. I also almost feel like I've been bothering you the past two weeks. I'm sure you don't really mind, but you were always the only person I could really talk to when I had any issues.

were always the only person I could really talk to when I had any issues. "I still think about you constantly. The emotional pain isn't quite as bad as it used to be, but it still hurts so bad. I miss you more than words can express. The only times I'm not thinking of you is when I'm with" I had to stop for a second to gather my thoughts. I needed to tell Steve more about my feelings for Noah, but I just wasn't quite sure if I was ready, or how to do it. "when I'm with him," I finished. "He seems like a great guy. I don't really know him yet, but he's smart and funny. He's also got a really good body. He's actually been helping me get back into shape. "Look, Steve, I feel really guilty that I'm having these feelings for him. I've been trying not to ever since I met him on Monday, but I just find myself drawn to him both physically and emotionally. I know you can communicate with me. Please, I need you to tell me that these feelings are wrong. I asked you to make them go away, and they didn't. But I need you to at least tell me that they're wrong, and that I have to keep fighting them." As I finished talking, it was like the entire world stood still. A light breeze that had been blowing through the trees stopped, and even the ambient city noises seemed to disappear. I just stood there for about five minutes, surrounded by complete silence with the still air hanging heavy around me. "So are you trying to tell me that you want me to keep spending time with him, and possibly see where this takes me?" I finally asked. Suddenly, it was as if the world around me came alive. The breeze began to blow again, and the sounds of traffic could once again be heard. I felt like Steve had just given me his blessing, even if he had never vocalized them. "Steve, you don't know how much this means to me. I know that you are well aware that no matter what happens, I will never be able to forget you, nor will I ever love you less than I did the day you married me." I kissed my hand, and placed it gently on Steve's headstone. As I turned to leave, I felt a large grin spread across my face, and with a hop in my step, I walked out of the cemetery feeling like a new man. I slowly walked back home. The entire time, my head was filled with thoughts and memories both old and new. I thought about Steve, and our wonderful relationship together, and I also thought about Noah, and our budding friendship that I was quickly hoping might lead to something more. When I got home, I immediately took a shower. Between the jog in the morning, and the long walk back in the growing heat, I was a sweaty mess. After the shower, I walked back into the bedroom to get dressed. As I walked past Steve's side, I saw my ring still sitting there. I hadn't really thought about it since I had left town. Without thinking twice, I put it back on my finger before I walked back out into the living room to get some work done. * * * When I opened my eyes on Sunday, I felt more refreshed than I had in a long time. In fact, I felt like it really was the first day of the rest of my life, as trite as that sounds. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was only five o'clock, far earlier than I was expecting, especially considering all of the strain my recent workouts had taken on my body. I was on my side of the bed when I woke up, but I knew that I hadn't had any nightmares the night before. In fact, I vaguely recalled having pleasant dreams throughout the night, although I wasn't certain. I began running my fingers on my right hand over the ring that I had just put back onto my finger the day before. Without really thinking about it, I slipped the ring off to study the engraving. I didn't really need to, as it was burned into my memory, but I really wanted to see it again. Scott and Steve: Forever in Love As I read those words, I couldn't help but think back on our wonderful years together. I thought about the

As I read those words, I couldn't help but think back on our wonderful years together. I thought about the awkward early dates, our first kiss, the first time that I told him 'I love you', the night he proposed to me, and the day I married him. All of the best days of my entire life. I felt a tear run down my cheek as I reminisced. It was not a tear of sorrow. It was the first tear of happiness that I had shed since Steve died. As I slid the ring back on my finger, I felt something that I had not felt in the past year. I felt hope. Hope for my future. I continued to lie in bed, thinking about our lives together. I thought of that Steve loved to make up lists of things he wanted to get done. Usually, he would pawn the completed lists on me, insisting that I should do his bidding. I always complained about the 'honey-do' lists, but I secretly loved them. Steve had so many hobbies that other than the lists, there was little around the house for me to help out with. As I was lying there, I suddenly remembered that there was a list that Steve had started the day before he was killed. Since he usually thought of things right before going to bed, he usually kept any lists on the nightstand. I hadn't seen one, but I got up and opened the top drawer. Sitting on top, in his hideous scribble, was his last 'honey-do' list for me. I picked it up and looked at it, straining to read his chicken-scratch, and amused by the only thing on the list: 'Replace the floors'. In everything that happened, I'd forgotten that Steve had gotten sick of the floors very quickly. They were old, and hadn't been well maintained over the years. We'd tried just sanding them, but that had been done enough in the past that the nails were showing. So Steve had decided we needed new floors. Feeling a new sense of purpose that I had recently been lacking, I got out of bed and threw on some clothes. I walked quietly down the hallway, so as not to disturb Tom and Sarah while they slept. I had been deep in thought for a long time, but I still didn't think it was necessary to wake them up early on a Sunday morning if it could be avoided. I walked down to the basement, where I grabbed my toolbox and the crowbar. Steve wanted me to replace the floors, and I knew just where to start.

10. Chapter 10 - A New Friend

Tom and Sarah were ripped out of their slumber by loud bangs and cracks emanating from the living room. They came running into the living room, only to see me wielding a crowbar, tearing up the wood floor. In their minds, they probably thought that I had completely lost my mind. It didn't help matters that in my haste to get to work, I hadn't bothered to move any of the furniture out of the way. I had just started, and I hadn't even notice them come into the room. I had just finished exposing the floor boards under The Spot when Tom grabbed my arm to prevent me from continuing. "What the hell are you doing?!" He yelled at me. I was stunned. It was only the second time since I had known him that I had heard him curse, and it made me completely stop as I tried to think of a response. The words wouldn't' come to me, so using my left hand, which was free from his grasp, I reached into my pocket and produced Steve's list. Tom noticed that I was wearing my wedding ring again, but didn't say anything about it. When Tom read the list, he quickly handed it back to me and released me. "Sarah, help me clear out the furniture in here," Tom said, as he began to grab things to move out of my way. "Tom, what's going on?" She asked. Sarah didn't have a clue what was going on, and she hadn't seen the list. "Trust me, everything is fine, just give me a hand," He told her as I went back to work. When they had finished, Tom asked if I had another crowbar he could use. Sarah was still clueless, but she had at least determined that I wasn't acting destructively. I just handed Tom the crowbar I had been using.

"I'll be right back," I told the two of them. "I have no clue what's going on here. Where are you going Scott?" Sarah had had just about enough of being in the dark about everything. "Don't worry about it; I just need to take care of something." I turned and walked out the front door towards my car, whistling as I went. "Tom, since Scott won't explain what's going on, will you? I'm so confused right now. I wake up and Scott's ripping up the floor in the living room. First you try to stop him, then you want to help him, and now he just walked away. Where is he going?" Sarah asked as soon as I'd left. "I have no idea where he went, but he seems to have a plan in his mind. I understand why he's doing this, but I think it's better if he explains it to you. I almost feel like it's not my place to do so." While not happy with Tom's answer, Sarah accepted it as the best that she was going to get for now and continued to move things out of the way. By the time I'd returned about 90 minutes later, she had gotten all of the rooms cleared except the bedrooms. Tom had managed to rip up about half of the flooring in the living room. "Where have you been? I figured you were just going down the street to buy a crowbar. It shouldn't have taken that long," Sarah demanded as soon as I walked in the door. "I did, but then I had to spend more time than I thought I would negotiating," I offered, as if that explained everything. "What does that mean? Tom seems to have an idea as to what's going on, but I'm still completely in the dark here!" "Sorry Sarah, I haven't been fair to you this morning. I entered something of a zone when I started, and my brain wasn't able to put my thoughts into words. We'll go out to brunch before too long, and I'll explain everything to you." "Okay, as long I eventually get brought into the loop. Speaking of brunch, I'm hungry. Are you ready to go now?" "Not yet, we just have to wait for a little. I'm expecting" Before I could finish the thought, the doorbell rang. "That would be them." I opened the door and, and let in the carpenters that were waiting. They looked unhappy to be there, but that was understandable. They hadn't expected to work on a Sunday morning. When they came in, I showed them the living room. I'm sure they were surprised that we had already started without them. I asked they would be able to easily get the living room, kitchen, and hallway to the bedrooms finished in one day. We hadn't planned on redoing the floors, so the bedrooms and office were not ready. They told me it wouldn't be a problem, and with the four of them, they should be finished by around dinner time. I thanked them exuberantly, and the three of us quickly moved the furniture out of the hallway and into the bedrooms while the contractors started working. With that accomplished, Tom, Sarah, and I left to get some food. We drove to a restaurant and were quickly seated. After we had ordered, I explained the 'honey-do' list that I had found and that Steve had wanted to replace the floors. "I know it seemed a little impulsive, but I suddenly felt extremely motivated, something that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm sorry for worrying and confusing you two, but I just felt like it was something I had to do. I went to get a second crowbar. While I was leaving, I decided to check out the flooring place that Steve found the style he wanted. I was surprised to find it open, so I went in to talk to them. It turns out they had

found the style he wanted. I was surprised to find it open, so I went in to talk to them. It turns out they had the floors in stock. "I had originally planned on installing them myself, but I just decided to get it done as fast as possible. It took a lot of negotiating before we could work out terms that they were happy with in order to bring contractors in at the last minute on a Sunday," I explained. I pulled the list out of my pocket, and showed it to Sarah. She also noticed that I was wearing my wedding ring again for the first time. "Wow, Scott. I'll admit I was worried, but after seeing the list I completely understand. You've made a lot of progress in the last few days. You're wearing your ring again, there's a bounce in your step, your smile seems to be genuine, and your eyes have a glow about them that I haven't seen since he died. Does this have anything to do with the crush you have on Noah?" I had to think a minute before continuing. Neither of them knew that I had been able to have some sort of communication with Steve, and I didn't want them to think that my mind had snapped. "I guess it does. Yesterday, I went for a run, and ended up back at the cemetery. I talked to Steve for a long time, and told him my feelings about Noah. I told him that I felt really guilty about them, and that I wanted a sign that he didn't want me to pursue anything with Noah. It's not that he spoke to me, or anything like that, but I just got a sense that he was fine with the attraction I feel towards Noah. "It was the first time that I actually thought that I might be able to stop dwelling on the pain inside. I can keep all the wonderful memories, but it was okay to let all of my hurt go. I think I can actually feel better about everything without really having to forget anything about Steve. "I'm not saying that I'm going to pursue a relationship with Noah or anything. I just realized that it would be okay if I started paying more attention to my feelings and needs, and less on what Steve would think of everything. He's not here for me, and he would want me to have every chance in the world at happiness." As I told them this, I had a few tears running down my face and both Sarah and Tom's eyes were moist. We continued to chat throughout brunch, but never on any heavy subjects. Afterwards, we went around the city, killing time, before we went back home. When we arrived, the contractors were almost finished for the day. The new floors looked amazing, and I knew that Steve would have loved them if he was still alive. I had forgotten how excited he had been at the prospect of our first major renovation to the house. After they had left, Tom, Sarah, and I worked to get the furniture back into the living room and kitchen, before tidying up the bedrooms so that we could clear those rooms out. The old flooring seemed to complement the new flooring, so I decided to not have the contractors redo Steve's office. I may have made a lot of progress, but I knew that I wasn't ready to start going through Steve's possessions yet. We cleared everything out of the three bedrooms except for the beds themselves. Tom suggested we could go ahead and remove the bed in his room, as he was still sleeping in Sarah's room most nights. He looked a little uncomfortable as he said that, but I didn't think anything of it. After we had finished, we sat in the living room for a while and talked before we all headed to bed. *** Monday morning arrived, and I opened my eyes. Something seemed a little different, but I couldn't quite place it. As I looked around, I realized that I was still on my side of the bed, and I hadn't seemed to move throughout the night. Often, even when I stayed on my side, I had grabbed Steve's pillow to hold close while I slept, but I hadn't. I realized that for the third night in a row, I hadn't had any nightmares. In fact, I knew that I had had some great dreams. I couldn't remember any specifics, but I knew that while I had been dreaming, I had been happier than I could recall being in a very long time. I felt like today was going to be a great day. After I showered, I got dressed, paying close attention to what I wore. Today was the day that I was meeting Will's friend, and I thought I should try to make a good first impression. I didn't really know why I wanted to impress the person, but it just felt right. I was already beginning to see the improvement in my body since I had started going to the gym. My arms and chest were a little bit more defined, and my

body since I had started going to the gym. My arms and chest were a little bit more defined, and my stomach was a little flatter than it had been. I still had a ways to go in order to get back to where I had been, but there was some definite progress. For the first time in over a year, I actually took the time to style my hair. Granted, I had used product a handful of times, but I hadn't really fussed over it. I spent close to 20 minutes trying to get my hair to do exactly what I wanted it to. We quickly removed the beds from the bedrooms, so that the contractors could replace the floors, then I sat on the couch for a while and did some work before I left the house to meet Will and his friend. Just before I left, I took one last glance at myself in the mirror to make sure I looked exactly as I wanted to. *** I made sure to arrive a few minutes late, which is uncharacteristic of me. I wasn't sure if the two would arrive together or separately. Granted, I wouldn't know the other guy, but I still didn't know if I was comfortable being alone with Will if showed up early by himself. I walked in and immediately looked around, trying to find Will. In the corner, I saw something I definitely wasn't suspecting. Noah was sitting there, facing the entrance, talking animatedly to someone. I couldn't tell who it was, partially because his back was to me, but mostly because I was so enraptured by Noah's presence. As I stood there, staring, for a few seconds although it felt like an eternity I felt myself becoming agitated. I couldn't quite describe the sensation, as it had been so long since I had last experienced it. I think the closest sensation that could describe it is would be jealousy. I decided that I had to leave. I figured that I would just call Will and apologize profusely for standing him and his friend up, and then I would just set another date to meet them. I could just claim that something came up, so long as they didn't see me. Just as I had reached the door, I heard someone call my name. I turned around, and it was Noah. His eyes were sparkling again, and I wanted to kick myself for feeling my knees get weak again. Noah beckoned me over to the table, so I made my way over, looking around to see if I could find Will and his friend. I figured that I would greet Noah quickly, and then return to searching for them. As I neared the table, I finally got the opportunity to see who Noah was talking with. As I looked down, I couldn't believe my eyes; it was Will sitting across from him. Will moved to a neighboring seat so that I could sit across from Noah. He seemed surprised that Noah had called out my name. Before we had a chance to greet each other, he started the conversation. "Waitdo you two know each other?" "Yeah, Scott and I met at the gym last week. He's the one I told you that I had saved on the bench press. I guess I never did mention his name. We actually worked out together several times last week, why?" I'm sure that Noah had noticed the distinct change in my appearance, but he didn't say anything about it. He may have even seen the wedding ring, which I somehow felt slightly self-conscious for wearing at the moment, but I wasn't positive about that. Will looked a little agitated, as he had just found out why I had changed my workout schedule, but he quickly pushed it aside. "Well, even though you two seem to already know each other, let me introduce you to Scott, the person I was telling you about. Scott, this is Noah, one of my best friends. He's been there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to." Neither of us responded to him. His eyes had locked onto mine shortly after I had sat down, and I had become lost in the golden pools in front of me. I could feel his gaze piercing into my soul, and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd become just as lost in my eyes as I had in his. I'm not sure how long we had just sat there staring at each other, but it was probably less than a minute

I'm not sure how long we had just sat there staring at each other, but it was probably less than a minute before Will cleared his throat, causing us to break our trance. I glanced over at Will, and he was clearly uncomfortable. "You know, I just, uh, thought of a few things that I should really, um, get done today. I think I'll go ahead and head out, but you two should definitely talk. Scott, you can trust him to open up, I promise. With that, Will stood up and left quickly. I wasn't entirely sure why he was acting so strangely, but a part of me couldn't help but wonder if Will felt jealous of my reaction towards Noah. The two of us just stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes, neither of us knowing exactly how to begin the conversation. Finally, it was Noah that broke the tension. "I wonder what the hell got into him," Noah said, looking a little bit angry. "I've never really seen him act like this. He's usually very calm and collected no matter what happens." I knew, or at least had a very good idea what caused Will to act that way, but I didn't feel like sharing it with Noah at the moment. "Anyways, Scott, I know I asked you at the gym if you wanted to talk about what you were going through and you weren't interested. Has that changed? If it has, I'm more than willing to listen." I looked down at my coffee and began to idly play with my ring. After a moment, I just nodded my head. "I'm sure you're a good listener, and if Will trusts you, then I can too. It's just very" I choked up a little as I was saying that, and it took me a moment to find my voice before I could finish the thought, "very hard for me to talk about." If Noah hadn't noticed my ring when I first came over, he clearly had by now. Before I got the chance to say anything, he took the opportunity to ask about the changes in me since he had last seen me on Thursday. "You look very different today. I mean that in a good way, of course. I don't know anything about what you've been through, but I can't help but wonder what caused the changes since Thursday. Maybe it's just that you knew you were going to the gym, and didn't want to spend the effort only to have it ruined by sweat, but then there's your ring" Noahs voice trailed off at the mention of the ring. It was clear to me that he hadn't put the story together, but he was definitely thinking about it. I decided it was time to tell him the whole story. Well, not the entire story. I figured that I would just tell him about everything up until I came back into town, and take it from there. "Let me start from the beginning. Bear with me, because it's very painful for me to think about" Over the next two hours, I proceeded to tell him everything. I started with the day Steve died. I told him about the funeral, and everything that happened between me and Will. I even told him about my desire to remain as close as possible to the spot where Steve had died. I thought about glossing over some of the more lurid details, but I realized that in order to explain why I left town I would have to explain how Will had betrayed my trust. I felt a little bad about it, as Will and Noah were very good friends, but I had started talking, and just couldn't stop. I did, however, leave out the two times that Steve had come to me while I was asleep. I also told him all of the details about how I spent the nine months that I was gone from the city. Again, I almost left out the details of my sexual excursions in Baltimore, but that was more because I was worried about what he would think of me. I hoped he would understand, especially since I wasn't proud of my actions in hindsight. I had planned on stopping when I arrived back in the city, but I kept going. I told him about my first visit back to Steve's grave, my reunion with Will, and our agreement to go back to the gym. I did stop there, however. I still didn't know exactly how I felt about Noah, and I definitely didn't know how he felt about me. At several points while I was telling Noah my story, I had to stop to wipe tears from my face, or to clear my throat before I could continue. Noah, for his part, had tears in his eyes the entire time, and they frequently were dripping down his face. I had expected him to tear up a little, but I hadn't expected such an emotional

were dripping down his face. I had expected him to tear up a little, but I hadn't expected such an emotional display from the man sitting across from me. He made no attempt to mask his tears, nor did he at any point seem ashamed of them, as he made no attempt to wipe them away. After I had finished catching Noah up on everything that happened between Steve's death and the day I met him, we sat in silence for several minutes. I figured I'd give him a chance to respond to everything I had just said, but knew that he would need a few minutes to digest the entire story. It wasn't uncomfortable, just neither of us knew what to say. Eventually, Noah spoke. "Scott, Ishit. I don't even know what to say. You told me that you had gone through a lot in the past year, but I never imagined it was anything like this. My natural response is to say something like 'I'm sorry for what you went through,' but that just seems contrite, and slightly condescending. I do have a few questions for you, if you don't mind. I really don't want to pry, but I just want to try to understand a few things better." I was moved that he seemed to be taking everything in better than I had expected. I really had anticipated his first words after I finished being a standard generic statement of sympathy, but clearly, he felt that it was inappropriate. I greatly appreciated that. "I've told you so much about my personal life in the past year, Noah. I'm not sure that any questions you ask can delve much deeper, or unleash any additional hurt from me, so go ahead. I'll answer everything the best that I can." "It's just that you look completely different today than I've ever seen you at the gym. When you came in, you looked, I don't know, happier than I'd seen you before. You're dressed in stylish clothes, and you're hairwell, it looks amazing. Is that his" Noah allowed his voice to trail off again. I knew he was talking about my wedding ring. Since I hadn't worn it until Saturday, I couldn't blame him for being confused about it, and I'm sure he felt at least a little uncomfortable asking about it. "Yes. It's the ring he gave me when he proposed about three years ago. After what happened with Will, I felt too guilty to wear it anymore, so I took it off just before I left town. After everything that happened this past weekend, I can't explain it properly, but it just felt right to start wearing it again. I also woke up today feeling like I should go back to paying attention to my appearances. I haven't really cared in so long," I explained. "Scott, I hope you realize that I would never have said anything even remotely flirtatious if I had any inkling as to what you were going through. I can't help but feel like such an ass. But then I see you now, and it's impossible for me to not notice what a hottie you are." Noah realized what he said as soon as the words leaved his mouth. I got a little bit uncomfortable and couldn't help but blush. He noticed my discomfort, but I don't think he noticed the change in my complexion. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for that to come out that way. Please" I cut him off. "No, it's okay. I knew what you meant." We both sat there in silence for a minute or so. I knew he had more questions, and I had been too flustered by his comment to initiate any conversation for the moment. After a few moments, he continued to ask for more details. "You mentioned something happening this weekend that caused you to change your mind about wearing your wedding ring. Is it okay if I ask what it is?" "It is. I know you're just trying to get a better understanding of everything that's happened, and it is helpful to be able to talk to someone about everything." I told him about the weekend, starting with how I had been cleaning on Friday and had decided to cover The Spot with an accent rug. I told him about my jog on Saturday. I didn't tell him my reason for talking to

Spot with an accent rug. I told him about my jog on Saturday. I didn't tell him my reason for talking to Steve, but I did say that I felt that Steve had sent me a sign that he wanted me to stop dwelling so much on the pain and begin to look towards the future. I knew he wanted to cut me off and ask additional questions about my interaction with Steve, but I just held my hand up to signal that I wasn't done with my story. I wanted to get the rest of it out before I got distracted. I finished by telling him about the list of Steve's that I found and my decision to replace the floors immediately. I went into the details of how I started with The Spot and explained that contractors were at the house as we were speaking, finishing the bedrooms. "Now I'm sure you want to ask me why I think Steve sent me a sign." "Well, yes and no. First off, I don't doubt you at all. I've always believed that loved ones are fully capable of communicating from beyond the grave. I'm more wondering if that's the first time that Steve sent you a message." I told him it wasn't and explained that something similar happened the previous two times I had gone to the cemetery. I even told him that I felt like Steve had whispered in my ear once. I didn't tell him that it was moments before I had first laid eyes on Noah, though. I paused for a second, trying to decide if I wanted to tell him about the two times that Steve appeared when I was asleep, but I figured that I had already explained so much, and he didn't seem freaked out yet. Besides, I told him about what Will had done, and realized that my conversations with Steve helped to actually explain a lot of my motivation. I decided to tell him. I was almost disappointed with his reaction as I told him. I really did expect him to act like I had completely lost my mind, but he just nodded his head as I told him. When I had finished, I asked him if he thought I was just imagining it, or if he was weirded out with the idea that Steve could come to me. "Not at all. Besides, even if I didn't believe you, I would know that you believed it, and that alone attests to your sanity in my mind. Steve was such an important person in your life. It'd be impossible for you to not want him to somehow continue to be a part of it. "But I really do believe that he did send you signals and speak to you. The way you describe how he came to you leaving you feeling unsettled is completely different from how you would have expected him to, which is exactly why I have no doubt that he did. "Going back to the last two visits to the cemetery, are you sure you didn't leave anything out? You mentioned that he sent messages, but you never explained what you were hoping to hear from him." I couldn't answer his question, even if I wanted to. There was just no way that I was about to tell the beautiful man sitting across from me that I couldn't get him out of my head. I just lowered my head and blushed. He unavoidably noticed that I was unable to look him in the eyes. I think my actions made it pretty clear why I had gone to see Steve, but fortunately, he decided to graciously change the subject. "Will told me that you are averse to all forms of therapy, is that true?" "I don't need to see a shrink. I never did. I've always known what my problem was. Why?" "Because I have an idea. It's not therapy, technically. It's just something that I've been doing for a long time when I have a lot on my mind. It's actually a better form of stress relief than working out, if you'll give it a chance, and I guarantee it will work. Would you be willing to trust me?" The twinkles in his eyes were back in full force, and I couldn't help but stare at them for a moment. They were just mesmerizing. I knew I didn't want to say yes, but staring at those eyes, I couldn't bring myself to say no. "I don't know, Noah. It's not that I don't trust you, but" "Great! Then it's settled. You'll meet me in front of here Thursday evening at eight. Just to make sure you

"Great! Then it's settled. You'll meet me in front of here Thursday evening at eight. Just to make sure you don't get the wrong impression, feel free to bring anyone else you want." "You're not going to give me a chance to say no, are you?" "Not on your life, buddy," Noah said with a laugh. "Will you at least tell me exactly what we're doing?" "I'll just tell you that it's an alternative form of therapy, that's guaranteed to work if you keep an open mind." I was really skeptical about this, but he was clearly not taking 'no' for an answer. I knew it was some sort of group activity, since he had readily invited Tom and Sarah along without me even asking, so I wasn't worried that he might possibly misconstrue this as a date. Even though I didn't know Noah that well, I did trust him, and if he told me that it would help, and wasn't therapy, I figured I should give it a chance. "Is Will going to be there?" I asked him. "I actually hadn't thought about that. He usually goes with me, but I have to admit that I'm pretty angry at him for what he did to you. When he told me about everything, it was fairly generic, how 'he screwed up', and stuff like that. To actually hear from you exactly what happened, I think he really fucked up bad. Don't get me wrong, Will is normally a really nice guy. I'm not sure what the hell got into him. "We had talked about you. To be fair, I didn't know it was you at the time, and I didn't know exactly what you had been through. I knew he had feelings, but I didn't think he was going to do anything soso fucking stupid. "Anyways, if you want him there, I'll gladly bring him along. Otherwise, I think I'll just tell him to sit this one out, if that's alright with you." "That's actually what I was hoping. I wouldn't mind being friends with him eventually. But all I can think about when I see him is everything that happened before that night before I left," I told Noah. I really was grateful that I didn't have to ask him not to invite his friend along. While I really didn't think I wanted Will around, I would have felt really bad asking Noah to not bring him. I thanked Noah, and gave him a grin. He responded in kind, and his eyes gave off their glorious sparkle. As I felt myself beginning to be drawn into them, I blinked to try to clear my head. He noticed, and we both looked away, blushing. As we left, he stopped me at the entrance. "Just promise me one thing, Scott." "What's that?" I was a little concerned about the idea of having to make a promise about Thursday night. I figured that no matter what it was, I could probably deal with it, even if just for Noah's sake. "I just want you to keep an open mind. You don't have to participate if you don't want to. But if you do, I want you to really put in an effort."

11. Chapter 11 - Group Therapy

"I just want you to keep an open mind. You don't have to participate if you don't want to. But if you do, I want you to really put in an effort." Noah's comment really threw me for a loop, and I couldn't help but ask the first thing that came to mind: "Hopefully this is going to sound really stupid, especially since you said that I could bring anyone I wanted. You're not taking me to an orgy or something are you?" Noah just doubled over laughing, and it took him several minutes to regain his composure. Even I couldn't

Noah just doubled over laughing, and it took him several minutes to regain his composure. Even I couldn't resist joining in. I knew it was a ridiculous idea, but it was the only conclusion I could draw based on his cryptic statement. Eventually, he was able to respond. Wiping tears from his eyes, Noah said, "NO!! God, it's nothing like that! I really didn't think about what I was saying before I spoke, I guess. I'm still not telling, but it's nothing along those lines. For the record, that's not something I'd ever consider doing." That was enough to set fears to rest. I agreed that I would keep an open mind. Maybe whatever he had planned really would help. * * * We resumed our workouts the next morning. Conversation seemed to come easier than ever before, and I found myself chatting idly with him for the entirety of our sessions together. I could tell he was still a little worried about how I might react to things; I caught him watching what he said a few times. I don't know if it was my self-discovery over the previous weekend or the fact that he was completely understanding of everything that I've been through, but I wasn't being careful in the slightest. I wasn't necessarily trying to flirt with him, but there were a few times when I might have unintentionally let a hand linger on his shoulder or arm a few seconds longer than necessary, and it's entirely possible that I may have made a mildly suggestive comment or two. He never gave me any indication one way or the other how he felt about my actions, but it would have been impossible for him not to notice. Back at home, life was continuing to settle into a new normal. The new floors looked amazing; I was surprised that even with The Spot a thing of the past, my longing for Steve's presence during the day was very bearable. I still hadn't been in Steve's office, but I was making good progress repairing relations with my clients, and they had begun to request additional services from me. I still wasn't back to my normal workload, but I was extremely proud of all the work that I had accomplished in the past few weeks. Before I knew it, it was Thursday morning. After Noah and I had finished working out, he reminded me once again about the plans for 'therapy'. He said it every time with a sarcastic emphasis, and I couldn't help but smile every time he did it. "Remember, Scott, You promised to keep an open mind. I think you're really going to have a good time, whether or not you decide to take your turn." "If you say so. I'm still not sure, but then again, you've been extremely vague as to what's going on," I responded. I was skeptical, but I knew deep down that anything Noah was planning would be a good time. "And remember to bring Tom and Sarah with you. I still haven't met them, and I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun, too. If there's anyone else you want to bring, feel free to have them tag along as well. The more the merrier." With that, we parted. I really was looking forward to seeing him again in a few hours, even if I had no idea what I was in for. * * ** * * * * * "Dr. William Drake speaking." "Hey Will, it's Noah. I knew you were at work, so I didn't bother with trying your cell." "Hey buddy. What's up? Haven't heard from you since Monday. Is everything ok?" "Everything on my end is good, but to be honest, I'm a little pissed at you after hearing Scott explain things from his perspective. I don't believe for an instant that you misread his actions. I truly believe that you were just hoping that once you got him in bed, he'd develop feelings back." Will didn't say a word in response, and for a moment, Noah was too angry to say anything. "Will, I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload on you when I called. It's just that I don't feel right venting this anger

"Will, I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload on you when I called. It's just that I don't feel right venting this anger around Scott; the only other person I would normally want to do that with is you. And we both know that's not a good idea. "Anyways, even though I'm mad, I really hate what I'm about to ask of you. Is it possible for you not to come to our usual thing tonight? Like I said" Noah was cut off by an angry Will. "Why? Are you taking him there?" Noah was shocked by Will's tone. He had practically snarled when he referred to me. Noah immediately realized that he had taken the wrong tone with Will, which had clearly put his friend on edge. Taking a more conciliatory tone, Noah responded, "Actually, yes. And before you say anything, I want you to know that it was not his idea. Because of everything that has happened between the two of you, I thought it might be best for him to avoid any awkwardness tonight. I think that it's really going to help him." Will couldn't help but chuckle at Noah despite his anger. "I really don't understand how you can find it therapeutic. Fun, definitely, but you do realize that he's going to think it's a ridiculously cheesy idea, right?" "Actually, that's my goal. He'll be disarmed by the sheer ridiculousness of the situation, and then without realizing it he'll find a way to let down his guard and he'll feel a little bit better. "Will, I need to ask you something, and I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, especially after my tirade earlier. Did Scott ever seem to flirt with you, other than the last night he was in town? I'm just trying to understand some" "Look, Noah, I already told you. I just misread signs. I know he didn't try to flirt with me. I know he wasn't ready to do anything. Hell, I know that he didn't feel the same way about me at all. I just lost my focus for a second. That's all." And with that, Will slammed the phone down, ending the call and leaving Noah more confused than before. * * * * * ** * * That evening, I actually managed to arrive before Noah for once. Tom and Sarah were definitely excited about finally meeting Noah if not a little on edge that they had no idea what the night would entailed. Neither was as nervous as I. It would have been impossible for them to not realize I had developed a full-on crush for Noah. They had witnessed firsthand the progress I had made in the past few weeks, and I'm sure that I had talked their ears off about Noah all week long. They never said anything about it either way, but I didn't get the feeling that they had any problems with it. After all, Tom had given me his blessings to date Will hours after burying Steve, even though that had been the last thing from my mind at the time. We only had to wait about five minutes for Noah to arrive. He was dressed in tight clothes that showed off his physique and accentuated his bulging arms. Like me, he had clearly spent some time styling his chestnut-brown hair, something I hadn't seen him do before tonight. Without putting forth any effort into his appearance, he was easily a 'nine', but tonight, he looked like an 'eleven', and I couldn't help but stare for a moment. I caught his eyes, and the golden shimmer almost seemed to explode like fireworks into the calm summer air. I quickly introduced Noah to Tom and Sarah, and the four of us engaged in small talk for a few minutes until the anticipation for events to come became too much for Sarah to take any longer. "So, Noah, where exactly are we going for this therapeutic non-therapy? Scott hasn't told us anything, but he said it was because you've kept him in the dark as well." "Actually, we're going to the coffee shop," Noah said with a grin. I was definitely confused, and a quick glance at Tom and Sarah made it clear that I wasn't alone. I couldn't understand how hanging out at the coffee shop with a few people could count as therapy by any definition,

or why it had to be tonight, when we could've just come any time this week. Sarah was the first to make the connection after staring at the storefront. "Wait. It's karaoke night. Is that really your plan? I figured we were going to a spa, or getting drunk or something like that." As soon as she said that, I couldn't restrain a laugh. "Really, Noah? After all of the anticipation and avoiding questions, it's just karaoke? Why all the buildup for something so cheesy?" As soon as I said that, he looked a little hurt, and I regretted my choice of words. He still had a smile on his face as he responded, though. "It's not cheesy, I swear! But I knew you might think that it was. I really do think that if you come in with an open mind, you'll find it therapeutic, and I was worried you wouldn't want to do it at all if you knew what we were doing." "I have to know how karaoke is supposed to be therapeutic," Sarah cut in. "I mean, all you do is get up and make an ass out of yourself in front of a room of strangers. And when you're not singing, you have to deal with great songs being slaughtered by horrible singers." "Have you ever actually done karaoke before, Sarah?" Noah asked. He wasn't rude, but I could tell that he was a little frustrated that the three of us hadn't reacted the way he expected. I felt like my reaction was understandable. After all the buildup to this night, learning that we were just having a karaoke night felt almost anticlimactic. "Of course I have. My sorority sisters and I went out several times in college and always made complete fools of ourselves. We always sang "Don't Stop Believing", and went a little bit crazy," she answered. "Well, that is one of the things that I love about karaoke. The experience is whatever you want it to be. You can just sit and enjoy the company and conversation, or on the other extreme you can make a complete fool out of yourself. What I find therapeutic is taking the time to find the perfect song to express how you feel and then letting all of your emotions out on stage. I've found that the release is extremely cathartic. I've also found that the best performances you'll hear are from the people who are doing the same. They are singing for themselves and that definitely comes through in their performance." "Okay, Mr. Smarty-Pants," Sarah sad with a chuckle, "I guess I can see where you're coming from. So you have a song picked out already, I take it?" Any tone from disbelief about tonight was gone, and Noah's previous statement had made it clear to me what he expected from me and his cryptic comments on Monday made a lot more sense. "I do, but I won't tell you what it is. You'll find out when I take the stage." Noah stuck his tongue out at Sarah when he said that, catching Sarah off guard. She thought that her 'Mr. Smarty-Pants' comments would be sufficient juvenile one-upmanship, but he had proven her wrong. Since I hadn't been in jovial moods during much of my time since I'd met Noah, this was a side that I hadn't seen much of, but I was already beginning to enjoy it. Before we went inside, Noah reminded us again that we didn't have to sing if we didn't want to, and that he wasn't going to force us to spend lots of time deciding on songs. We also didn't have to focus on picking songs that perfectly fit our emotions, even though that's what he had already done. "I want you all to have fun, if nothing else. I find the whole experience to be incredibly relaxing, other than the small wave of nervousness that hits right before you begin to sing. If you find the night therapeutic, then great, but I'm not going to try to push anything on any of you," he explained. Despite, or possibly because of his remonstrations, I was determined to pick the perfect song, if for no other reason than to make him happy.

 * * * Inside, we ordered our drinks and found an empty table. I sat down on one side, and Sarah and Tom sat on the other as Noah went ahead and submitted his song request with the DJ. I was surprised that the coffee shop was as busy as it was, but then again, I'd only been there a few times, and hadn't even known that they hosted a karaoke night. As soon as Noah returned, Sarah got an evil grin on her face, jumped up, and went to turn in a submission of her own. Tom, for his part, was taking Noah's words about finding the right song to heart. He was looking through the catalog of songs almost as if he were reading a book. I hadn't had a chance to look, nor was I necessarily thinking about a song yet. I just wanted to enjoy the night and let it progress on its own. The four of us sat there for awhile in relative silence, just listening to the other singers. As would be expected a few were horrible, but most were passable, and we were definitely enjoying ourselves. One woman even sang a very powerful version of Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly" that I felt was even better than the original. Immediately after she had finished, the entire room was on their feet in a rousing round of applause, us included. She was clearly a regular and a crowd favorite. After everyone had settled down again, the DJ got on the microphone to call up the next singer. "I always feel bad for whoever has to follow Suze, but someone has to. Fortunately, next up is someone that I know can hold his own. Give it up for Noah!" We all wished Noah luck as he headed up to the stage. The audience's reaction to Noah's name being called was subdued compared to the reaction that the previous singer had gotten, despite the cheers from the three of us. Before the music started, Noah addressed the crowd through the microphone. "I would like to take a moment to dedicate this song to Scott, along with anyone else who feels like they've hit rock bottom." With that, the familiar first chords of James Taylor's "You've got a Friend" filled the room. I suddenly realized that I was on the edge of my seat in anticipation. Noah sat on a stool on the edge of the small stage and began to sing. I couldn't believe my ears. I figured that Noah's voice would be decent, but I was wrong; it was amazing. The smooth, sultry tenor that emanated from him fit the song perfectly, and I was completely enraptured. My shirt could have caught on fire, and I wouldn't have noticed. By the time Noah had gotten to the bridge, I had tears streaming down my face. A quick glance to the other two showed me that they were just as moved. Sarah was dabbing her eyes with a napkin, and Tom was trying to casually dry his eyes with his sleeve. He saw me notice, and managed a meek grin in embarrassment for being caught. When Noah finished, I was the first audience member on my feet but definitely not the last. The reaction from the rest of the audience was on par with the one they gave the previous singer, as Noah had filled the classic with all of his heart and soul. When Noah returned the table, I pulled him into a deep embrace. I gently whispered a 'thank you' in his ear before sitting back down. Sarah and Tom also gave him quick hugs before he returned to his seat. Without thinking about it, I pushed my chair a little closer to Noah's and allowed my leg to touch his. Even through our pants, I could feel a jolt of electricity, and I saw Noah visibly tense. I made no efforts to pull away and was happy that Noah didn't either. I'm sure that he thought it was entirely accidental, and it took all of my effort to not lean into his body. Tom was still studying the catalog like there was going to be an exam on the song selection, and I still hadn't bothered to pick out a song yet. I realized that I needed to do so, and soon. When the next singer was finished, Sarah was called up. She stood with the same evil grin she gave when she went to submit

was finished, Sarah was called up. She stood with the same evil grin she gave when she went to submit her song. Tom burst out laughing, so I realized that he had figured out whatever her scheme was, but a glance to Noah let me know that I wasn't the only one in the dark. Like Noah had, Sarah spoke before the music began. "Scott, listen carefully to the words in the chorus. And anyone who thinks that karaoke can be therapeutic can suck it!" Noah let out a loud laugh, indicating that I was now the only one still clueless. That lasted just long enough for the first few chords of the famously overplayed Journey song came out of the speakers. Noah laughed the entire time that Sarah sang. It didn't help that she kept making faces at him the entire time. By the time she got to the end of "Don't Stop Believing", I am ashamed to admit that I shed a few tears. In my defense, she had done so much for me since Steve had died, and this was just one more way of showing how much she cared. That was what moved me to tears, not the cheesy 80's power ballad. As Sarah left the stage, the DJ sarcastically thanked her for such an original choice. When Sarah returned to the table, we all gave her a hugs and offered praise. She made it clear to Noah that she wouldn't give him the pleasure of admitting that it was somewhat therapeutic, which made all of us laugh. All of us knew that was as good as her telling everyone that Noah had been right, and she was wrong. By that point, I really needed to pick out a song. I knew what I wanted to sing about, but didn't have a clue as to what song. I grabbed the catalog from Tom, who was still reading it as if it held lost secrets within. Before he could even object, I opened to a random page, and picked a song at random. There must have been some level of divine intervention, as the song was even more perfect than anything I would have normally chosen. Granted, I knew I'd make a complete fool of myself, but I wasn't sure that could be helped. I quickly handed the catalog back to Tom, and walked up to submit my song. Tom still hadn't found the perfect song, and kept reading the catalog as if it were a user's manual. Since the coffee shop was busy, I had a while to wait before it was my turn to go. The four of us just continued to talk and listen to the other singers. My leg kept contact with Noah's the entire time. I was tempted to move it and see if he would move his to reinitiate the contact, but I was worried that he wouldn't. I was really enjoying the closeness to him, and didn't want to lose it. I began to get really nervous, knowing that it was nearing my turn to sing. Shortly before the DJ called my name up, I spoke to Noah. "I have to warn you, I'm not a very good singer. I'm really worried that my performance won't be any good." Tom, who was the only person in the group who had ever heard me sing before, let out a chuckle, which I interpreted as agreement with my assessment of my vocal abilities. "Scott, like I said before, this isn't about how well you sing. I know you, just put your heart into it, and it'll show in the song. Besides, I'm sure you're much better than you realize." For a moment, I wondered if he was referring to something more than just my singing ability, but I didn't have a chance to dwell on it. The DJ was calling me up to sing. "Okay, next we have Scott. Interesting choice; I hope you know what you're doing." I hoped so, too. Noah patted my leg as I stood up and wished me good luck. I felt electricity shoot through me as he did that, and as I tensed, I saw him blush. I really hoped I was doing the right thing. As I climbed the steps to the stage, I began to feel really nervous. I grabbed the microphone from the DJ and said in a very weak and shaky voice, "I'd like to dedicate this song to my husband, Steve, because I know that he's always there, watching over me." Just before the music started, I glanced over to Noah. I noticed that he was still smiling, but his face looked pained. His eyes weren't twinkling. I didn't have a chance to fully process it, however, before the music began.

began. As soon as the first notes came out of the speakers, I could hear the crowd gasp. I'm sure they thought that the DJ had put the wrong song on. They had no idea what they were in for. As I was about to sing, it was as if the entire room went black.

12. Chapter 12 - Group Therapy, Part II

I stood there as the first notes of the song emanated from the speakers in the small coffee shop. As I was about to start singing, it was as if the room faded to black. Suddenly, I was the only one in the room, and I could feel Steve's presence surrounding me. With that, I began to sing Beyonc's "Halo". I was completely unaware of my surroundings as I finished the chorus the first time. It was just me and the microphone. My eyes were closed as I let the song flow through me. I was no Beyonc, so I wasn't able to do the runs and belts like her, but I was definitely giving it my all. I opened my eyes as I finished the chorus the second time, and suddenly I was no longer alone in the room. There were two of us now: me and Noah. My eyes locked with his as I sang the chorus one final time. I could still feel Steve all around me, but I felt a very similar yet completely different energy flowing through Noah's gaze. When I finished singing, there was complete silence. I blinked, and it was as if lights had been turned back on. Every patron was staring at me with their mouths agape. Most of them had tears in their eyes. After a few seconds, I just put the microphone back on the stand and walked back to the table. The only people that seemed to snap out of their trance at that point were my three friends, and that was only when I got to the table. Sarah and Tom enthusiastically pulled me into a joint embrace. When they released me, Noah grabbed me, and pulled me into a deep hug, tears streaming down his face. "You're voice is beautiful. Please don't be mad at me, but I have to ask. Was that song only for Steve?" he whispered in my ear. I must have tensed when he said that. "Scott, I" "No," was all I said softly, cutting Noah's apology short. The three of us sat back down, which seemed to bring the DJ back to her sense. "IumI don't know what to say about that." She, too, was wiping tears from her eyes. "I can't remember the last time I've felt something so powerful here, no offense, Suze." The large black woman just waved her hand dismissively, indicating that she understood. "Anyways, next up, we have" The next three people all turned down their turn. Apparently, Noah was right about emotions being more important than singing ability. Finally, the DJ announced that they were going to take a five minute break. She put on some house music, and slowly the room was filled with quiet conversations. Noah suddenly seemed incredibly nervous. I grabbed his hand under the table. "You." That was all the explanation that Noah needed. His eyes suddenly began to glimmer and sparkle again as a single tear slipped from his right eye. He gave me goofy grin. I looked across the table and saw Tom's jaw was resting on the table. I quickly jerked my hand free of Noah's. I had been trying to be discrete, because I wasn't sure that I was ready for how Tom and Sarah might react. I cast my head down, and concentrated on a discoloration on the table. "Are you happy?" Tom asked me, shaking me out of my embarrassment. I'd really expected him to be

"Are you happy?" Tom asked me, shaking me out of my embarrassment. I'd really expected him to be angry at me for showing any signs of affection towards another person. I looked up at him, and nodded. I couldn't seem to find my voice. "Well, that's good enough for me. Now if you'll excuse me, I've finally picked out a song." With that, Tom got up and walked up to the DJ. Sarah jumped up and ran over to our side of the table, where she embraced the two of us with a squeal that only petite women seem capable of making. When she had returned to her seat, Noah gently took my hand in his, and our fingers intertwined. We rested our hands gently on the table as a scooted my chair a little closer to him. I leaned gently into Noah. Noah looked around the room as I was doing this, and I felt his body tense a little. I quickly sat up and tried to see whatever he had noticed, but I couldnt find anything out of the ordinary. "What is it?" I asked. "It's nothing to worry about right now. I'll explain later." With that, he pulled me gently back against him. I wouldn't have normally let something like this go, but for the moment I wanted to focus on just being close to Noah. By this point a few people had been brave enough to go up and perform again. The DJ called Suze up, and she gave an amazing rendition of "Me and Bobby McGee" that gave Janis Joplin a run for her money. This woman could sing. After she had finished she made her way over to our table. She walked right up behind Noah and me, firmly placing both hands on Noah's shoulders and giving him a gentle shake. "Sugar," she said, addressing Noah, "Where have you been? I ain't seen you in here for two whole weeks. How am I supposed to perform my best if my big competition don' even show up?" Suze allowed Noah to stand up and they hugged, clearly old friends. He kept his hands around her ample waist as he said, "Sorry, Suze. I just haven't had a song to sing. Besides, I'm no completion for you. Hell, Janis wouldn't even be competition to you!" "Sug, that's sweet of you, but we both know it's a load of hooey. Sides, I finally met real competition tonight. Where you been hiding this cute thing at?" I squirmed a little in my seat as this woman I never met before sang my praises. I turned a little to face her better, and had just opened my mouth to say something when Noah jumped in. "Suze, this is my friend Scott. I just met him two weeks ago, but we've gotten really close already. He's gone through hell and back this past year, and I thought tonight might be a way to let out some of the pain he's been holding in." "Sugar, I figured that out the minute this here boy opened his sweet little mouth." With that she ceremoniously turned to me, and held her arms out wide, expecting an embrace. I just stared at her blankly for a minute. In my life I'd met many interesting people, but to this day, I've never met anyone else that was quite like Suze. "Well, sweetie, I'm waitin. I can't greet someone properly if I don't got two arms wrapped around me. Now get on up here and gimme a right proper hug." There was nothing but affection in her voice, and I quickly rose to my feet to embrace her. "It's nice to meet you, Suze," I said, being pulled into her larger-than-life personality that exuded well past her ample frame. "The pleasures all mine, Sweetie. Though I got half a mind to whoop your cute tush 'til it burns red for upstaging me. I ain't never seen no one kill the room like that, let alone some little white boy. And Lord help me, but I ain't never met a white boy with the jewels to even think about singing no Beyonc. What in

me, but I ain't never met a white boy with the jewels to even think about singing no Beyonc. What in Gods name you thinking, boy?" I could tell from her tone that her scolding was just a part of who she was. Not that she was aloof, but she hadn't spent this amount of time chatting with any of the other patrons in the shop. I also realized that for her, terms of endearment were more than that. As far as she was concerned, they were our names. She was clearly the queen of karaoke here, and I was being inducted as one of her princes. After a moment, we broke the hug. Noah and I were standing next to each other, with our backs to the table. "Thank you, but I really don't know what possessed me to choose that song. I know that I'm not even in the same league as anyone here normally, and yet I chose a song that there's no way I could pull off. It's not like my" Suze cut me off using her hand to close my mouth. Her face was gleaming with amusement. "You may not be Beyonc, Sweetie, but trust when I say you put everyone in this little shop to shame. Trust. What you did up there was inspiring. 'Tweren't no song you were singing. You were the song. Your husband is watching you, and I know in my heart of hearts that he's neer been more proud of you. Or happier for you. Both of you." Both Noah and I blushed, as he put his arm around my waist. I leaned into him, and wrapped my arm around his strong shoulders. "Thank you, Suze. You have no idea how much that means to me," I said, as I felt a tear run down my face. "Oh, Sweetie, but I do. I'm sure your Steve is sitting up there right next to my Chris, and they're having a right good time enjoying the show we been giving them tonight." Realizing that she, too, had lost her husband, my free hand shot up to cover my mouth. "Oh, God, Suze! I'm so sorry about your husband! How lo" "Don't you go and worry yourself about it, now. Chris got himself killed in a car accident eight years ago. It hurt. Not much can happen that'll hurt worse than that. But everything happens for a reason. I know you don't like hearing that from no one, but believe you me, it does. I know that Chris would never want me to be sad for one minute, and I know Steve would want the same for you. I know part of you don't like the thought of finding a new man, but lemme put it to you like this. If Chris were still alive, as much as I wish he were, I would'a never found my Solice, and I just can't imagine what my life would be without that woman," she said, pointing to her lover across the coffee shop. "I'm sorry for getting heavy on y'all like that, but sometimes a woman's gotta give some sage advice when she sees it needs giving. I'll let y'all get back to your friends. They look like they're getting lonely without you, but I'm sure they can figure out ways to keep themselves busy!" With that, she let out a loud cackle and gave us each another hug before continuing to wander through the small coffee shop and talk to the other attendees. I didn't know exactly what she meant by that statement. I didn't have time to really process it, though, before Tom jumped up and chased her down. Noah and I returned to our seats. I turned my body a little so that I could lean my back up against his chest, and he wrapped an arm around me, holding me tight. While I couldn't hear what Tom asked, I could hear Suze call out, "You sure, Honey? You're plums must be as big as your friend's if you're serious!" They spoke a little longer before Tom hurried back to the table. I didn't get the chance to figure out what he was up to before Tom was called up for his chance to perform. Noah, Sarah, and I watched as he quickly rushed up to the stage. I was surprised that Tom didn't seem that nervous about singing. I guessed it largely had to do with how methodically he had picked out the song he was singing, or possibly whatever he had planned with Suze. He spoke to the DJ briefly, before he walked up to the front of the stage and picked up the microphone.

"I'd just like to say two things really quickly. First off, I'd like to dedicate this song to Sarah, because without her, I would be singing this song for Steve. Secondly, I'd like to ask Suze join me on stage to help me." Without any fanfare or airs of grandeur, Suze walked up to the DJ and got a second microphone as the music began. I noticed that Sarah blushed when Tom dedicated the song to her, but before I could question her about it, the music began. I figured that I had to be thinking of a different song when I immediately recognized "Without You" from RENT as the music began to waft throughout the narrow space, but I was proven wrong when Tom began to sing. When they finished singing, the audience gave them an enthusiastic round of applause, but confusion over the song choice was apparent throughout the crowd. Tom gave Suze a hug and began to walk in our direction. When Tom returned to the table, Noah patted him on the back, congratulating him on a job well done, and Sarah gave him a big hug. I didn't say anything at first because I was torn between questioning the choice of song or making him aware that I had finally realized what had kindled between Sarah and Tom. Tom explained to me later that he vaguely remembered the song from when Steve would play the album from RENT at home during breaks while we were in college, and knew that it was the perfect choice. The only problem was that he didn't really remember the song well, nor did he remember who sang what part. Suze had actually been the one who explained to him that he was going to be singing the part of Mimi while she sang the part of Roger. I suddenly realized that Tom was looking at me expectedly, as I was the only one of us that hadn't commented on his performance. Instead of complementing him on a job well done, which it was, I jumped immediately to the million-dollar question. "So, um, how long have you and Sarah been together? I feel stupid asking this since we live in the same house. Oh yeah, good job, by the way." Tom chuckled at the way that I threw in my reaction to his performance as an afterthought. "We started talking a little more than a month before you came back. She originally called me and asked if I thought you'd have a problem with her tidying up inside your place. Anyway, we started to talk a lot, and she told me about the problems she was having with Chris. I told her all about the issues I was having getting over losing Steve. "You know we've been sharing a bed and all that, but as far as a relationship goes, we've been taking it very slowly. We've kissed a few times, but we wanted to make sure that you were okay with us exploring our relationship before we got too serious." Sarah cut in before I had the chance to even think of a response to Tom, "Scott, I would have called you, but I knew you were trying to distance yourself from Steve's death, and all of the painful memories you were trying to deal with. It seems silly in hindsight, but I figured that there was no point in contacting you for something so trivial. "Besides, I was initially calling Tom just to find out if he had any idea when, or even if, you were planning on coming back. When he said you didn't know, I decided to ask about tidying up inside. I know you wouldn't have minded either way, but I think it was largely a ploy for me to stay on the phone with Tom a little longer. "Actually, even though I never told Tom this, my growing attraction to him was a large reason why I actually filed for divorce. I never felt this way about Chris, and our relationship had become really strained. He had become an obnoxious, jealous brat, and my response was to become a cold and passive-aggressive bitch. It wouldn't have taken much to end the marriage anyways, but Tom was almost the catalyst." "Wow, guys," I said when Sarah had finished her explanation. "I really wish that I had known what was going on between the two of you. I've been so stuck in my head that I've been having a hard time considering the feelings of anyone else. I'd like to think that even then, had I known about the closeness between you too, that I wouldn't have a problem with it. Even if that weren't the case then, it definitely is now. There is no reason that I should have a problem with you guys seeing each other. "Anyway, you two are probably sick of trying to hide everything from me. Why don't you two go ahead and

"Anyway, you two are probably sick of trying to hide everything from me. Why don't you two go ahead and head out. I'm not quite ready to leave yet, but I'm sure that Noah will drive me home. Is that okay with you?" I turned to Noah to ask, with a little bit of a grin. "That's perfectly fine with me. Now you two: scram!" he said with a laugh. Tom grabbed Sarah's hand, and they wasted no time leaving the coffee shop for Tom's car. Noah and I stayed for a little while longer, just listening to other singers and enjoying each other's presence before we decided to walk around for a bit and talk. Suze noticed when we both stood up, and she quickly crossed the space to our table. "Sweetie, Sugar, you boys cutting out early?" she said with a grin as she pulled us in one at a time for a hug. "I declare that boys do NOT have the stamina they used to back in the day!" "Sorry, Suze. I'd love to stay, but I want to get the chance to spend some time getting to know Noah. I promise we'll be back again soon." "You better believe you will. I will let lose a pack of dogs in this town if need be to track your scrawny behind back down here. I'm lucky if I get my Sugar in here once a month, and dagnabbit if that boy can't sing! But he ain't got nothing on you, Sweetie. You best be here every chance you get, because I love me a good competition! Brings out the diva in me." With that, she gave us one last hug and waltzed back through the crowded room. I thought to myself that she didn't need my help to bring out her inner diva. She did that perfectly all on her own. Noah and I walked around the block for nearly an hour talking, holding hands the entire time. We didn't talk about anything deep, as we really were just getting to know each other. For example, I learned that he played football in high school. He said he'd considered playing in college but didn't go into detail as to why he didn't. In exchange, I told him the story of how Steve and I met. He never seemed awkward or jealous when I talked about Steve. He knew that I was still coping with my loss of Steve and that he'd always hold an untouchable place in my heart. Noah treated me talking about Steve in the same way that I treated him talking about his life. Steve was a part of me, and if Noah wanted to be a part of my life, he'd have to accept that as well. So far, it seemed he did. After I finished, we walked in a comfortable silence for a while before Noah spoke up again. "I should tell what caused me to tense up in there. As you were leaning into me, I was looking around. Will was standing in the entrance to the coffee shop. I don't know if he saw me looking or not, but he was clearly crying. I think he saw you holding my hand and leaning against me. I swear that I told him not to come. I knew that you would be uncomfortable, and I'm still so damn pissed that he put moves on you like he did." "I'm glad you told me, but to be honest, I don't really care. I told him many times that I couldn't see him like that. Besides, if we had gotten together, what kind of relationship could we have? He was always there taking care of me, and I think that would always have been the dynamics in a relationship between us. That's too one-sided and not something that I'd ever want. To me, it's just not healthy. But you should have said something. Maybe you or I could have talked to him. Or Sarah. She's good at that sort of thing." "It wouldn't have mattered if I said anything anyways, because just after I noticed him, he ran out of the shop. I don't know if he'll say anything to you or anything, but I just wanted you to know." When we eventually returned back to his car, he put his hand up to my cheek. He looked me straight in the eyes as he slowly drew closer. His eyes were ablaze with the fiery twinkle that made me weak. I pulled back just before his lips met mine. I could tell immediately that he was hurt, not that I really blamed him. I wanted to kiss Noah, but it just didn't quite feel right. "I'm sorry Scott," Noah said, wiping a tear from his eye. "I screwed things up just now, didn't I?" He continued before I had a chance to say anything.

He continued before I had a chance to say anything. "I guess I'm not any better than Will, making a move when you're clearly not ready for it yet. Fuck! Anyways, at least let me take you home." "Noah, that's not it at all. I want to kiss you. But first, I need you to meet someone."

13. Chapter 13 - Introductions

"So I wasn't too forward trying to kiss you?" Noah asked hopefully, still worried that he had pushed too far. "No. Definitely not," I said with a little smile. "Like I said, I just need you to meet someone. I wouldn't feel right kissing you before I introduced you to him." He smiled. "I can't wait to meet Steve, but wouldn't it be better to go during the daytime?" I had expected Noah to be bothered by the idea of being taken to a cemetery to visit my dead husband, but he didn't seem to be. "I really want to go tonight, if it's alright with you. Besides, no matter what, I want to give you a goodnight kiss, and I wouldn't feel right until I tell him about you. I know it must sound stupid, but he's still my best friend. I never kept anything from him in all our years together, and I just can't start doing it now." As I was talking, I could feel my voice beginning to waver and my eyes were growing moist. "I understand, I think," he said wrapping his arms around me. "I'll admit it's a little weird, but it doesn't sound stupid at all. He will always be one of the most important people in your life. Just tell me where to go." I told Noah, and then he helped me into the car. As we pulled up in front of the main gate, I was surprised by how different it looked at night. Up to this point, I'd only visited during the day. I know I shouldn't have been surprised, but I hadn't thought about it. "Sorry, Noah, I didn't realize how creepy going to the cemetery would be at night. I really want to do this now, but if it would make you feel more comfortable, we can come back when we don't feel like we're vampire slayers or something." "No, if you want to do this tonight we should. Granted, part of me wishes we'd brought along some wooden stakes, but I'll do my best to keep you safe," Noah said with a laugh, getting out of the car. I responded by giving him a playful shove. "My hero." Holding hands, we walked into the cemetery and up the hill to Steve's grave. With my voice catching in my throat, I said, "Steve, there's someone I really want you to meet. This is Noah. I know I talked about him the last two times I've been here, but I never said his name." A quick glance over to Noah made me realize that I had just revealed to him that he had largely been the inspiration for the rapid changes that he had noticed on Monday. "I'll be honest, Steve. I know that I like Noah, and I'm pretty sure that he feels the same. With that said, I don't know yet where this relationship is going." With that, I paused, looked at Noah, and whispered, "Sorry." He just gave me a smile and a shrug to indicate that he understood. I let go of Noah's hand and walked up to Steve's headstone, gently placing my hand on it. "Anyways, I'd really like the chance to find out. But only if I know that it's alright with you. I know you've sent me signs in the past, but I really want to make sure that you are okay with it. I don't know if I could bear the thought of doing something you didn't want me to do. So please, I really want you to be as clear

bear the thought of doing something you didn't want me to do. So please, I really want you to be as clear as possible this time." Nothing happened. Each previous time, there had always been a change in the air, or something, but not this time. I could feel the misery growing in me. I thought I had read the signs from Steve so clearly, and I couldn't figure out how I had been wrong. After a few panic-filled moments I turned around in confusion to look at Noah. When I saw him, I was instantly worried. He had turned extremely pale, and looked scared. After a moment, however, he burst out laughing. I was a little worried, very confused, and slightly irritated. I didn't know what had caused his outburst, but I couldn't help but feel like it was inappropriate. Noah noticed the mix of confusions on my face. "Sorry, let me explain. Just after you said you wanted Steve to give you a sign, I heard a sexy voice in my ear. I knew it had to be him, and while I believed you when you said he's spoken to you, I didn't expect him to come to me. It was very disconcerting. Anyways, he told me that it was nice to meet me, and that he'd heard nice things from you. Then he told me, 'If you ever hurt Scott, I'll come back as a zombie and fuck your shit up.' I really didn't mean to laugh like that, but the mental image was just too much for me." As he explained, I knew that it had to be Steve, if for no other reason than it's exactly the type of thing that I would have expected him to tell Noah. I couldn't help but burst out laughing as well. It was one of those deep, hearty laughs that seemed to come from the very core of my being. I was surprised by how enthusiastic it was. Suddenly, it was my turn to hear his voice. "I have missed that beautiful sound so much. You haven't laughed like that in over a year, and I hope that this guy is the one who will be able to keep making you do that for a long time to come." I blushed when Steve told me that, and wiped a tear from my face. Noah and I stood there for a few more minutes in silence before starting to walk back towards the entrance of the cemetery, once again holding hands. We didn't get far before I stopped Noah and extracted my hand. "Actually, can you give me a few moments alone with Steve? There's one last thing I have to tell him." "Anything, babe. I'll be waiting by the gate." Noah rubbed my back before turning and walking towards the entrance to wait for me. When I returned to Steve's grave, I said, "Please don't hate me for what I'm about to do. I think you'll understand though." With that, I slipped my wedding band off of my finger. I kissed it before placing it gently on Steve's headstone. "You know that I love you, and always will. But I can really see things with Noah becoming serious. I have deep feelings for him, even though I've only known him for a short time. The fact that he knows all about you and me, and accepts that as part of me, just makes me feel even more hopeful. It just doesn't feel right entering into a new relationship wearing my wedding ring. I know that I could just put in a drawer or something, but I'd just feel better returning it to you." I felt a gentle breeze break through the still night, and I knew that Steve was giving me his approval of what I had just done. I bent down and kissed the headstone. I then kissed my hand, and placed it on the ground, about where I expected Steve's lips to be. I stood and slowly walked down the path back to the main entrance. When I returned to the sidewalk, instead of going directly to Noah, I walked over to the wrought-iron fence that separated the cemetery from the street and slumped against the brick retaining wall. He was immediately by my side asking if I was ok. "Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed," I told him. "I think I was on an adrenaline rush or something, and it's over now. Other than that, I'm okay, though."

over now. Other than that, I'm okay, though." "Do you want to just rest here for a minute, or do you want me to help you to the car? I'm feeling really energized and think I'm going to walk back through the cemetery a little bit and look around. Considering all the history in this place, I'm a little surprised that I've never been here before." "I'll just rest here, if that's fine with you. I don't want to stay too much longer, if that's alright." Noah walked away, and I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, he was waking me up. He helped me back onto my feet, and we slowly walked to the car. When we got there, Noah once again put his hand on my cheek. This time I didn't hesitate. Before he had even started to lean in, my lips bridged the gap between us. The electric charge from his lips set off fireworks throughout my body until it felt like the energy was exploding out my pores. * * * As Noah's car pulled up in front of my house, I turned to him. "So, umI guesswould you like" I gulped trying to get it the question out, "toumspend the night?" Noah looked amused, and chuckled. I could feel my cheeks burning in the darkness of the car. "Is that something that you'd like?" "I don't really know. I think a part of me wants that. Besides, I had an amazing time tonight, so I almost feel like I owe you." "Scott, hold it right there," Noah said, grabbing me by my shoulders and twisting my body so that we were facing each other. "You don't owe me a damn thing. We went out tonight as friends, and only because you really needed a chance to get things off of your chest. You having a good time would have been all the repayment I need. This," he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers, "was completely unexpected, and perfect. "One day, you will want me to spend the night. That night is not tonight. As our relationship grows, I don't want to do anything that isn't something you want to do. I never want you to regret a single moment with me." With that, Noah pulled me in for our second kiss. As we broke apart, he continued. "Besides, I think I'll wait to see you naked until after you get rid of your flab." There was no possibility that I would misinterpret his comment, as the big goofy grin on his face was broadcast through his voice. I just chuckled and playfully punched him in the arm, before pulling him back in for another kiss. The kiss briefly became more passionate before we broke it off. With one last quick peck on the lips, I told him goodnight, and made my way to the front door. As I walked down the hallway toward my bedroom, I was so wrapped-up in all the emotions rippling throughout my body that I almost didn't notice the noises coming from the other side of Sarah's bedroom. Almost. I could help but smile, thinking that it was about time that Tom was happy. After brushing my teeth I stripped off my clothes, and climbed naked into my side of the bed. I think I was asleep before my eyes even closed. * * * I knew something was wrong when I jerked awake. I was no longer completely on my side of the bed. Instead I had curled against whoever was sleeping in the bed with me. I had no idea who it was that I was laying with, but he felt familiar. My eyes snapped open; I was not prepared for what I saw. Steve was in bed with me. I was resting my head on his chest, and my right arm was wrapped around his shoulder. He was resting his hand on my back, stroking it gently. His body was radiating warmth, and I could feel his heart beating inside his chest.

"Good, you're awake baby. I didn't want to disturb you until you were ready." "ButI.What?" Steve ran his hand through my hair. "Trust me. If I had my way, this is how I would always appear to you. I hated our meetings before, because I knew how badly they would hurt you, but I didn't have a choice. As selfish as I wish I could've been, I've always been looking out for your best interests, even if you didn't realize." "So are you saying that you're really here?" I asked hopefully, even though I already knew the answer. "You know the answer to that, but isn't it much less disconcerting to be able to see me, to feel me?" He squeezed me slightly for emphasis. "I promise that you won't be left feeling as empty from this rendezvous. That's largely because you aren't allowed to use all your senses. All you're left with are haunted memories. "Anyway, I've rambled long enough. Do you know why I'm here?" I slowly nodded my head against his chest, feeling tears leaking from my eyes. "It's time, isn't it? To say good..." My voice trailed off before I could finish. Steve was silent for a moment before laughing. "You're right. But what does that mean?" He just lay there, rubbing my back while I gathered my thoughts. Suddenly I knew what he was referring to. "You mean that you're going to explain what you meant?" "Of course, babe," Steve said with a smile. "It was never supposed to cause you any pain. All I wanted was to make it easier for you." "But you said 'don't'. How could that help to alleviate my pain?" "Because I knew how your mind works, but I couldn't think of a better word at the moment. Your mind focuses on all the dark places in the world. Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. Don't be miserable. Don't shut down. Don't forget me. Don't shut people out. Don't stop loving me. Don't stop loving yourself. Don't miss out on love. "I wanted to tell you all of this, but I only had enough strength left for one word. I hoped you would be able to figure it out on your own easily enough. I wasn't allowed to explain it to you explicitly until you finally managed to figure the basics on your own. "Noah seems like a good guy, and I'm glad you're happy. I'll never stop loving you, or watching over you, but I can no longer come to you like I have in the past. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him. I'm sorry, love, but this is where we have to say goodbye." I just smiled. I knew he was right. With dry-eyes, I kissed my husband one last time, before laying my head back down on his chest. Sleep quickly overtook me again, as I curled up with my first love just one last time. * * * I woke up just as I'd fallen asleep originally, with one quite noticeable exception. A large tent had formed in the sheet. I tossed back the sheets and examined my body closely, and I was surprised by how good it looked. Though it wasn't quite as good as it was before Steve died, my body was starting to show signs of looking better. Maybe it never really looked as bad as I was imagining, and it was all in my head after all. I lay in bed for a while, lost in thought. The entire time I was slowly playing with myself, enjoying the feelings of pleasure that I had been denying myself for so long. Eventually it was time to get up and get ready. I could barely contain my excitement as I showered and dressed. So much had changed in the past twenty-four hours, and I was eager to make my way to the gym so that I could see Noah again. My Noah. I loved the way that sounded.

so that I could see Noah again. My Noah. I loved the way that sounded. It wasn't that I had to wait long before it was time to leave, but it certainly felt like an eternity. Finally, it was time to go, so I raced to my car and was on my way. * * * I was surprised when I got there that he wasn't there yet. I double-checked the time on my phone, and I was a little early. He had always arrived before me in the past though, and I was only a few minutes earlier than normal. After about ten minutes he still hadn't shown up. I tried his cell phone, but it went straight to his voicemail. I waited outside for another fifteen minutes or so before I tried his phone again, this time leaving a message for him. I then thought that maybe he'd forgotten about meeting me somehow. I went inside and wandered around the gym for ten minutes. I'll be honest; I wasn't actually expecting to find him, but I was beginning to get concerned. My inability to think clearly and rationally under stress was once again coming through, and I began to get more and more concerned that something terrible had happened to Noah. At least I managed to wait another thirty minutes before trying his phone again. As well as all the area hospitals. I was too upset to go home, and part of me was hoping that he was just running really late and had forgotten to charge his phone. I ended up going to the coffee shop to get a drink. I figured that I could sit in the window and stew for a while in case Noah decided to show up. As I walked in, I immediately noticed a very morose looking Will. He didn't notice me walk in, so I startled him when I touched his shoulder gently. "Will, is everything okay? You don't look like yourself today." He looked at me for a moment as if appraising me. "Why do you care? Aren't you with Noah now, anyways?" I couldn't help but gasp as he said that. This was a side of Will that I had never seen. Will had seemed a little off from his usual self the last few times I saw him, but he'd always been friendly and easy-going. Today he was abrasive and rude. I didn't really know how to respond to him, so I decided to go with the truth. "Well, I thought we were, but he didn't show up for our standing gym date, and he's not answering my phone calls. I really don't know what's going on." Will perked up upon hearing this. His eyes grew cold, but began to glimmer, and a smirk spread throughout his face as he let out a laugh. "You mean, he didn't tell you? This is just too perfect!" "What do you mean? Tell me what?" I was incensed. I had no idea what Will was talking about, and I wanted an answer, and fast. As Noah's best friend, Will had to know what was going on with him, and I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every time I had talked with Will recently, he seemed more and more bitter and angry, but right now he seemed to be extremely happy, and it just made me feel uncomfortable. "You do know that he goes out of town every week right?" Will asked with a sneer. 'Oh shit!' I thought to myself. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten. It didn't explain why he wasn't answering his phone, and I would have at least expected him to remind me that he wasn't going to be available. "Did he tell you why he's not around on weekends? He didn't tell you about the guy he goes to see every week, did he?" I couldn't have formed a coherent thought at that moment if I tried. All I could process were the words 'Noah' and 'guy'. I felt betrayed.

and 'guy'. I felt betrayed. "I see he never told you. He must want to keep Zach a secret. You know, something on the side. In fact, before you came around, his Zachey was just about all Noah was able to talk about. "I may have fucked up and misread the signals you were sending me, but I was never seeing anyone else the entire time I was spending time with you. You were the only one I ever wanted to be around." A particularly evil look flashed through Will's eyes, and he wiggled his eyebrows provocatively as he said, "In fact, if you ever get lonely, I'll still be here to satisfy your needs."

14. Chapter 14 - Confrontations

Without even thinking about what I was doing, I pulled back and punched him as hard as I could. I'd never done that before, and I couldn't believe how much it hurt. It always looked so easy in movies. Before Will even realized what had happened, I was already out of the coffee shop and heading back to my car, tears streaming down my face. I don't know what had happened to cause such a dramatic change in Will, but this was not the Will that I had thought I had known so well. I was a wreck by the time I got home. Tom and Sarah tried their best to console me, but I could barely force myself to function at all the entire weekend. I tried calling Noah a few times over the course of the weekend, but the phone always went straight to voicemail. When his message came on, I hung up, even hearing his voice prerecorded hurt me deeper than I would have expected. Friday night and Saturday night, Tom and Sarah insisted that I join them in bed. I think they were worried about how badly I had slipped backwards, considering everything I had through over the past few weeks was, at least in part, due to my burgeoning feelings for Noah. I slept in my own bed Sunday night, despite the protestations by Tom and Sarah. I'm sure that they were getting frustrated by my lingering presence in their personal bubble, even if they never said anything about it, especially now that their relationship was out in the open.. Besides, I knew that I needed to work through things on my own. I did sleep on Steve's side, and I could still feel his presence, even if it didn't feel quite as warm and comforting as it did before we said our goodbyes. I awoke to a light knocking on my door. I hadn't even quite become alert enough to answer the door when Tom poked his head in. "Sorry for waking you, Scott," he started. Even through my bleary vision, I could see the concern etched in his face. I rubbed my eyes, and forced myself to sit up in the bed. "Considering that you only do things like this when they're important, I'll hesitantly forgive you in advance," I replied, with only a hint of a half-smile. When he didn't respond in kind, I could only assume that whatever was going on, the situation really was that dire. Because there was no way that my razor-sharp wit had fallen flat. "Look, I woke up early and was deep in thought. This whole thing with Noah and Zach just seems fishy to me. I'm not sure that Will was entirely honest with you. Every aspect of how you described the encounter just screams manipulation. I just think" "Don't tell me that you think I should go play kissy-face with Noah and pretend nothing ever happened!" I said, my voice quickly beginning to rise in anger. Tom quickly threw up in arms. "Whoa! That's not what I mean at all! What I was going to say was that I think you should meet up with him today. Ask him where he was. I wouldn't suggest that you pry, since you guys are really just starting down a path together, but you can at least judge his reaction to your questions and be able to ferret out the truth. "That's the important part. Just listen to him. Neither you nor I have witnessed or heard of any reason why Noah has not been completely forthcoming. So pay attention to what he has to say. Don't let your anger get in the way and ruin something that could be great. With that said, if Will's accusation was accurate, I call dibs on seconds for kicking his rear."

call dibs on seconds for kicking his rear." "Thanks, Tom. That really means a lot. You know, it's been a while since you've given me really good brotherly advice. I miss that. Now what time is it?" I quickly glanced at the clock. "Shit! I gotta hurry and get ready if I'm going to be ready for a throw-down in the gym." I immediately knew that my wit had returned when Tom cracked a smile, despite every effort to not. Tom left, and I quickly showered, shaved, styled my hair, and dressed to kill. If I was going to be ending my first relationship post-Steve only a few days after it began, I was going to do it in style. I may jump to conclusions and manage my emotions poorly, but I am not generally a jealous person. Still, I don't share. If I wasn't enough to be the only man in Noah's life, I wasn't going to be in it at all. Sarah stopped me on the way out the door to give me a hug, and wish me luck "confronting the two-timing bastard", in her words, and on that note, I was out the door on my way to do just that. * * * As had become the norm, I parked and walked to the gym. I saw Noah as I approached, and for a second our eyes met. His eyes sparkled, and I felt my knees go weak for a moment before I forced my eyes away. I'm not sure if he noticed or not, because I was purposely avoiding looking at his face and his hypnotic gaze. Anger began to course through me, and despite the fact that I spent the entire drive repeating Tom's words over and over again, I found myself losing my cool. Noah had just raised his arm to embrace me when I shouted, "Where the FUCK where you this weekend?! I thought you cared about me, but what am I? Just another notch on your fucking bedpost?" I knew I was making a scene, but I didn't care. I did care about the look of confusion and hurt on Noah's face as I went off, but I was too riled up to stop. "I don't know what you're so upset about! I'm sorry I didn't return your calls, but what the fuck are you talking about? It's not like we've even had sex or anything! I know we've only known each other for a few weeks, but I really thought you knew me better than that!" "Then who the fuck is Zach?" Noah immediately went pale and froze with a look of shock like he'd just been slapped. "H...h...how do you know about Zach?" "That's completely irrelevant, but despite how screwed up Will has been acting, he at least has been honest and forthcoming. How could you start a relationship with me while you were seeing some other guy? Did you really think that I'd date someone who was seeing other people?" "Scott, look: this is all one big misunderstanding. And I've really screwed this whole thing up. Maybe working out isn't such a good idea after all today." "Oh I see how it is. I won't go along quietly with your little game, so you're just gonna brush me aside. I opened myself up to someone for the first time since my husband died, and you're just looking for a new addition to your harem! I've had about all I can take of this shit. I'm out of here." As I turned to leave, Noah grabbed my arm. I tried to shrug him off, but he spun me back around to face him. "No. I meant that we should get some coffee so I can talk to you and explain some things I should have told you before I even kissed you. That wasn't fair to you. Just let me explain, and then you can decide if you still want anything to do with me, but I hope to God you do." I took a breath and felt the anger dissipate as Tom's words entered my mind again. I decided that it couldn't hurt to listen to what he had to say and decide from there if his explanation was believable or not. I took a deep breath before saying, "Yeah, I guess it's only fair to hear what you have to say."

We walked next door to the coffee shop. As I walked in, I saw Will sitting by the door. He looked shocked when he noticed the two of us walking in together, but he no doubt could feel the tension radiating between Noah and myself. We got our coffees with no words passing between us before choosing a quiet table in the back of the shop. We were silent for a few minutes before he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, Scott. I'm not really sure where to start. I know you deserved to know all this before we started seeing each other, but I just couldn't figure out the best way to bring it up." He chuckled slightly. "In hindsight, just about any way would have been better than this. "Anyway, let me start from the beginning. When I was still in school, I knew this girl named Willow. Honestly, I'm not even sure if she was a student or not, but she was a lot of the same parties I was. We were somewhat friendly, but I could tell not as friendly as she'd like, if you get my drift." "She wanted a relationship with you?" "Yeah, but the whole 'being gay' thing kinda precluded the idea of dating a girl in my mind. One party, we were talking, and she offered to refill my cup. The beer tasted funny, but she warned me that she thought the keg might have gone skunky or something, and I had already had a couple, so I didn't really think much of it. "I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure she slipped something in my drink. I don't remember much more of that night, and the next thing I remember is waking up naked in bed with her. She was all over me, and I was completely disgusted with myself." I was so enthralled with the story that I didn't notice Noah get out his wallet or pull something out of it. "I told Willow off, and she acted like I was breaking up with her. I didn't see her for nearly a year. But then she showed up at my apartment with a lawyer. Apparently more came out of that night than me losing my virginity to a woman." Noah held up a small piece of paper. "This is Zach. I should have told you about him from the beginning, but I was too worried about what you'd think or say." With that, he slid a photo of a young boy across the table to me. "Zach isn't my boyfriend. He's my son." I heard the words he said, but I was unable to make sense of them. I wasn't even sure he'd even said something in English. "Waitwhat?" "I have a son. Zach. He's four." "So.Zachisyour son?" "Yeah, that's what I've been saying," Noah responded. I noticed that he was trying to hold back a grin at this point, and I realized that I was being incredibly dense and acting like a broken record. "Why didn't you tell me that you had a son?" "At first, I didn't tell you, because I wanted you to be able to control where the conversation went. As we got closer, I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would scare you away. I didn't even know how to start. I should have told you, and I'm very sorry that I never did." I couldn't stop myself at this point. I grabbed his hand in mine. "No. I understand. It's a lot to take in. I guess that's part of the reason I didn't tell you about Steve at first,

either. So that's where you go every weekend? Why didn't you at least return my calls when you heard my messages?" "Yeah. I only get to see him Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and even then it's only supervised visitation. After our wonderful night, it completely slipped my mind to remind you I'd be gone. I turned my phone off so I wouldn't be disturbed, and completely forgot about it. It's something I do every time I go, and I didn't think about telling you. I forgot to turn it back on until this morning. I got your messages, but since I was going to be seeing you soon, I figured I could just wait until I saw you to apologize for not telling you I'd be gone. I also figured I'd come clean about him today. I still hadn't figured out how. This might not have been the best way of you to find out about Zach, but at least it's in the open now." We sat in silent for a few minutes while I digested everything that Noah had just told me. His story made perfect sense, and I know how hard I avoided the subject of my husband while we were getting to know each other better. If I had been in his place, I can't say that I would have done anything differently. Sure, he probably should have told me about Zach, but he never actually lied about it. For that matter, neither did Will, but Will deliberately misconstrued the information and led me to believe that something far more nefarious was underfoot. I quickly knew exactly what I needed to know. "Can I meet him?" Before Noah could even respond, a commotion from the other side of the coffee shop distracted us. Will had stood up so quickly that he'd knocked his chair over. Noah and I watched as Will dashed out the door, wiping tears from his eyes. "It's like I don't even know Will anymore. I've never seen him act this vindictively or passive-aggressively. It wasn't his place to tell you about my boy, and it certainly wasn't his place to portray him as someone that I was involved with. I know he had feelings for you, but I just don't understand why he's doing this," Noah said angrily. "I'm beginning to think that he's not nearly as over me as he claimed to be. Maybe even jealous of you. He saw an opportunity to possible break us up easily, and he fought dirty. I'm not sure why he'd think that would improve his chances, but maybe just the idea that if he can't have me then no one canI guess" I said, trailing off a little at the end. "Is meeting him something you actually want?" Noah asked, returning to the subject at hand. "I'd be more than happy for you to, but only if it's what YOU want. I'm not going to stop seeing him as much as I can, but if you want to stay out of that part, I'd understand. Guys get really weird when they find out I'm a father." I quickly reached across the table and grabbed his hand again. "It's part of being in a relationship. He's important to you. That means he's important to me. Besides, I love kids." I felt a brief wave of sadness wash over me. "We had always planned on having kids one day. Me and Steve, that is." I diverted my eyes and lowered my head a little. It was hard to bring up future plans that Steve and I had made to Noah. It almost felt like I was being unfaithful to Noah. I felt Noah's fingertips on my chin as he gently lifted my head. "Don't do that. Don't be ashamed about your relationship with Steve. You were together a long time, and to say it ended unexpectedly would be a massive understatement. You two made all sorts of plans together. It's inevitable that you'll think of him, and those plans, from time to time. I can't promise to never be even the slightest bit hurt by them, but I can promise to always be understanding. "Anyway, if you want, you can come with me this weekend to meet him. If that's not too soon, I mean." "That sounds great! He won't have a problem with me?" "He won't. Willow probably will, though. I should warn you: she is completely unfit. I don't know how she managed to con the judge during the custody hearings. Maybe it was just the fact that I'm gay. But she's a junkie, possibly a whore, and I keep thinking that maybe she's hurting Zach. I couldn't prove anything enough to keep her from getting custody, and despite the efforts by my lawyers, I got stuck with supervised visitation. Not that Willow usually pays any attention when I'm around. After fighting for anything for so long,

visitation. Not that Willow usually pays any attention when I'm around. After fighting for anything for so long, I'm just grateful for anything I can get." I leaned across the table and gave Noah a gentle kiss on the lips. "Well, I can't wait to meet him." Noah and I stayed at the caf for several hours just talking and getting to know each other more. He told me all about Zach and warned me again about Willow. On Tuesday, we resumed our morning workouts. While we were working out, the conversation was always kept light, but each evening we spent time at my house talking. Those conversations weren't nearly as light, but we'd both realized that our relationship was getting serious fast. We both had baggage that we needed to reveal, even if the biggest pieces we each carried had already been revealed. Wednesday Night, Noah revealed a lot of his past to me. "I'm an only child, and I grew up here in the city. My parents were both in 10th grade when Mom got pregnant. They dropped out, got married, and worked hard to keep the utilities on and the family fed, but they made sure that I never lacked anything I needed. They loved each other very much, and if they ever regretted the life we had, they never showed it. My mom's parents disowned her when they found out, and my dad's parents died shortly after I was born. For as long as I can remember, my mom had dreamed of visiting Rome. When I was 17, Dad surprised her on their anniversary with plane tickets he had been saving up for years to be able to afford." A tear slid down his cheek as I recalled reading about a flight to Rome. "No." was all I could say, but he just nodded his head and wiped his eyes before continuing. "Yes. They were both on Air Italy Flight 115. Crashed about 20 minutes after takeoff due to improperly maintained equipment. No one survived." We sat there in silence with my arm around his back. Eventually, he continued to unravel his past. "The airline was quickly subject to a class-action lawsuit, and Mom's parents were suddenly very interested in being a part of my life. About the only good thing they ever did for me was make sure that I got the wrongful death settlement for both of my parents. I didn't really want the blood money, but I sure as hell wasn't giving a penny to my grandparents. I'd never even met them before the plane crash! By the time the check arrived, I was already 18, so they weren't able to control the funds at all. Once they realized that I wasn't giving them any money, they disappeared from my life as quickly as they had entered. I haven't heard from them since. "I finished high school, and went to college in town. I was offered a football scholarship, but I turned it down. I didn't care about football anymore. I was very depressed and had more money than I knew what to do with. It wasn't a good combination, and it wasn't long before the school decided that it was probably better if we parted ways. I rented a studio apartment across town, and I've been there ever since. I blew a good bit of the money early on, but since then I've become pretty frugal. I keep waiting for some inspiration to strike and motivate me to take charge again, but until, I can keep living off the settlement money. "Someone once asked me how I could stand living off the blood money. The way I see it, they wanted me to have as much of a life as possible, and as morbid as it is, their deaths gave me the economic freedom to live without any cares. I do want to be inspired to do something with my life, but I just haven't been. It's not that I'm still depressed about their deaths, even though I do miss them greatly. I just haven't figured out what I want to do, and the benefit and curse of the money is that I don't really have to. Hopefully that doesn't make me sound like a lazy and unmotivated loser!" I chuckled. "Maybe a little, but I understand. Having this insurance money from Steve has left me feeling the same way: I have the money to keep life as normal, why shouldn't I only do things that make me happy? Then I remember that I really do love my job. And I'm surprised you actually have a place to live. I haven't been invited over, but you've certainly been around here a good bit!" Now it was Noah's turn to laugh. "It's an efficiency, you dolt. You see one one-room living-space, you've seen them all. Hell, those model rooms in Ikea feel larger than my place!" "Dolt, huh?!" I said, giving him a playful shove. He retaliated by unfairly leaning in and kissing me. Talk about cheating!

about cheating! We sat in quiet companionship for a while, before he took the dangling carrot. "I know you are a web designer, but what is it Steve did? You mentioned insurance money, so I'm imagining that he made sure that you would be taken care of if anything were to happen." "Steve was a lawyer. A damn good lawyer. He could talk his way out of anything if he had his mind set about it. As a result, he never lacked for clients. I used to make very good money as a web designer, and that's slowly beginning to happen again, but it's been slow going. I lost most of my clients when I was too depressed to function. Only the most loyal remained. "Anyway, back on point, Steve was excellent at managing money and playing the markets. He had invested wisely, and we profited greatly from his talents. He was also paranoid. As soon as we started to make solid gains on our investments, he took out a five-million dollar life-insurance policy on each of us." Noah's eyes bulged when he heard the number. "Wow. That's a helluva lot more than I got from the airline! I've been frugal with my money, and don't have a lot of things to spend it on." "Yeah, I know what you mean. Part of the reason we were able to start saving up so much money is that we were never big spenders. Even when our income grew, our budget barely grew from our college days. Regarding the insurance, it's all been invested well, and so far I've only touched the principal to pay for funeral costs. Everything else has been from the interest. I don't really have any plans to use much of it. Not because of where it came from, but because I just don't need to. "Anyway, I know what you mean about blood money. I know I'm supposed to be feel bad about getting this money from Steve's death, but even in my grief, I always knew that he wanted it to be there to make life just a little bit easier for me to deal with." We continued to sit on the couch and chat a little longer that evening. Thursday, Noah came over and cooked dinner for the four of us. Before I knew it, it was Friday morning, and the time had come to meet Noah's son.

15. Chapter 15 - Strained Relations

Noah was silent for much of the two-hour drive south. The silence was tenser than I would have liked, but understandable, considering the fact that this was the first time I was going to meet his son. In reality he was much more nervous about me meeting Willow than me meeting Zach, but I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself. Anyway, he did assure me that he was no more tense than he would have been had I not been there. I'm not entirely sure how much I believed that, but there wasn't much that I could do about it either way. Noah had one hand in a death-grip on the steering wheel, but I refused to give up his other hand, clutching it tenderly. I couldn't believe how nervous I was to meet a little kid who didn't know me from Adam! The few times that Noah spoke, he calmly reassured me that Zach didn't have a hateful bone in his four-year old body. This reassured me, but did little to calm my nerves. I had been warned about Willow. Finally, we pulled up in front of a rundown trailer. Paint was peeling off its sides, and the wooden steps leading to the door looked they would topple over if you so much as leaned against them, let alone tried to climb them. The front end of the trailer seemed lower on one side than the other, but I couldn't tell if that was really the case, or if my mind was so overwhelmed that I was actually imagining more damage than was actually there. One window on the side was broken, but the screen was still intact. With an internal chuckle, I amused myself with the notion that at least the bugs couldn't escape the sweltering August heat into the trailer. Before we left the car, Noah reminded me for the umpteenth time that Willow was completely unfit to be in charge of plants, let alone a child. "I don't know how, but she seems to have a sixth-sense when it comes to child services. Even when it's for an unannounced visit, Willow can somehow anticipate CPS's arrival and cleans up the trailer and puts on a show about how great of a mother she is. After a few attempts to make anonymous calls, she actually threatened to sue for me harassment and return to court seeking full custody. I had been so unsuccessful

threatened to sue for me harassment and return to court seeking full custody. I had been so unsuccessful up to that point in the court system that I just didn't want to fight anymore. "Please, Scott, just don't react. She's going to try to bait you to piss you off. Don't give her the satisfaction. Obviously she's manipulative, and just a genuinely miserable person. I never would have had anything to do with her if it weren't for Zach, and I love him far too much to walk away. I wish I could be more involved in his life, but I have to abide by the visitation agreement." "I understand, and I'll just stay back and follow your lead. I'll try to be as invisible as possible," I said, but as I glanced at the trash-strewn excuse for a lawn, a scheme was already beginning to form in my mind. As I opened the car door and kicked a glass bottle out of the way in order to get out, I surreptitiously slipped my cell phone out of my pocket and began to take pictures of what I was seeing. When Noah asked what I was doing, I just told him that Tom had texted me a question, and I was responding. I wasn't taking a backseat, even though I had said I would not even two minutes prior. If my assumptions were correct, these pictures would be necessary, and if I was wrong, Noah would be none-the-wiser. As we neared the steps, a voice screamed loud enough for the neighbors to hear, "You sonovabitch!! Your asshole fag of a father'll be here in a minute!! You better be ready. Momma's got plans today." I had to stifle a chuckle at the thought that a mother just called her son a 'son of a bitch', but the humor passed quickly as I remembered that this language was directed at a four-year old, and she had primary custody. I knew I would need to move ahead with my plan. Noah shot me a look that clearly read 'I told you that she's unfit'. After taking a deep breath to steel his nerves, he knocked on the door. Suddenly I felt like I was about to enter a viper's nest. "Get the fuck in here! You need to man up and be a fucking father to this piece of shit!" Willow yelled from somewhere in the trailer. Before opening the door, Noah whispered to me, "I'm really sorry, Scott. She's not usually this bad. Actually, I've never heard her so abusive before. Please just stay strong for me." "I'm right by your side, no matter what happens," I replied. Noah opened the door, and we walked into the cramped room. Just like the yard, the room was filled with trash. The few pieces of furniture in the room were almost completely hidden, and the little that was visible showed signs of damage and neglect. Keeping my phone out, I kept taking pictures while trying to keep Noah from noticing. I glanced into the tiny kitchen, and like everywhere else, it was filled with trash. The sink was overflowing with dishes. The acrid stench of spoiled food filled the small area, and the air was filled with flies. "Zach, where are you, buddy?! It's Daddy!" Noah called out. His face belied the optimism and excitement that he projected when he called to his son. If I hadn't already been thoroughly briefed on what to expect this weekend, I would have instantly realized just how much he hated being here and having to deal with this situation in order to spend time with his son. Willow's voice rang out from the back bedroom. "Zach! Answer the fag! He has to deal with you now!" There was no movement anywhere in the trailer and silence filled the air following Willow's outburst. Suddenly, the bedroom door burst open, and out stormed a waif of a woman. A cigarette dangled precariously from her thin lips. Her jet-black hair resembled a bird's nest, her face was gaunt, and she was so thin that I was sure she couldn't weigh more than 90 pounds. Her skin almost an ashy gray; I would have guessed that she was at least 40, if I hadn't known that she was 25, the same age as Noah. Even from a distance, I could clearly see the track marks up and down her arms from extensive drug use. She didn't even notice us. She stormed over to a door on the hallway that I hadn't noticed yet and began banging loudly on it. "Zach! Get your fucking ass out here! I don't have time to deal with your bullshit today."

Noah quickly rushed over to her, as Willow's anger was clearly rising. "Stop! I'll go in and talk to him. He's just a four-year-old for God's sake! You shouldn't be yelling at him like that," he reprimanded her. "He is my goddamn son, and I'll talk to him any way I fucking please! You ain't the boss of me. Who the fuck you think you are, coming into my house and tell me how to raise my kid? I oughta drag your ass back to court and take away all your visitation rights, you goddamn fairy." "Please, Willow, he's my son, too. I'm sorry for talking to you like that; it's just that I only get to spend a few days a week with him. Just let me talk to him, then we'll sit in the living room and play, and you can do whatever it is you need to do." With a loud sigh, she gave in, and stormed back into her room, muttering 'fucking faggot' as she went. With a loud crash, she slammed the door, and silence reentered the living space. Noah gently knocked on Zach's door. "Zachy, are you in there? It's me, Daddy." The door opened just a crack. I could barely hear a young voice whisper, "Daddy? Are you ok?" "Of course I'm ok, little buddy? Why wouldn't I be?" "Mommy's being really mean today. She didn't hurt you, did she?" "Of course not!" he responded with a chuckle. "She didn't hurt you, did she?" Noah tried to keep his voice light, but I could hear the concern seeping through. "No. When she gets mean, I play 'hide'. I'm really good at it." With a laugh, Noah said, "I'm sure you are, buddy. Why don't you come out to the living room? I want you meet someone." Zach's door flew open, and he jumped into Noah's arms. "Hi Daddy! I missed you!" he said happily. It was the emotional turn-around that only a young child is capable of. Noah carried him into the living room, and turned the boy around in his arms. "Zachy, this is Scott. He's a really nice guy, and very important to me. He really wants to meet you." "Hi Zach. Your daddy's told me a whole bunch of good things about you! It's nice to meet you." "Hi," Zach said, shyly. "Daddy, is he your boyfriend?" "Yes, buddy, he is." I couldn't help but grin when Noah said that. It made me feel good. Zach was lost in thought for a few moments, tapping his chin with his tiny index finger as if that would help his concentration, before asking, "So does that mean that Mommy was right when she said you were a fag?" A look of hurt flashed across Noah's face. Zach couldn't see it, as he was still facing me, but it tore me apart. No one, especially such a sweet boy, should be forced to live with someone so emotional and verbally abusive. Before Noah could respond, I decided to take the reins. "Zach, that's not a nice word. It's mean, and it hurts people's feelings, so you shouldn't call people that." "Oh. I sorry, Daddy. Mommy says it a lot, but I didn't know that word hurts your feelings! Don't be mad at me! PLEEEEEAAAASE!" Zach pleaded. Noah laughed at the young boy's apology. "Don't worry about it, champ. You didn't know. Why don't we

Noah laughed at the young boy's apology. "Don't worry about it, champ. You didn't know. Why don't we clear off some space and play some games out here for a little bit?" "Actually, why don't you two get started? I think I need to make a quick phone call," I said. I could see the hurt and confusion spread on Noah's face. After all, I'd made a big deal of wanting to meet his son, and the first chance I get to spend time with him, I was begging off. "Don't worry. I have a plan. I'll fill you in later, but just trust me for now." I kissed Noah's cheek and ruffled Zach's hair, which elicited a giggle from the boy, before leaving a perplexed Noah and stepping outside to make what I knew was going to be a difficult phone call. There was no way that I wasn't going to help this beautiful boy who clearly was in a horrible situation, even if that meant facing more of my past. * * * "Hello? Richard speaking." "Hi, Dick. This is" "ScottWhat the hell are you calling me for?" "Sir, please, I don't know who to contact, but I really need some legal help." "Ha! Managed to get yourself on the wrong side of the law? You know damn well that I am no ambulancechasing scum of a lawyer who deals with criminals!" "No, sir, it's not criminal. I'm pretty sure it's civil, but I don't even know that for sure." "Sounds like you got yourself in a right little jam, then. Tell you what, since we were once almost family, I'll help you for a special rate. Twice my normal one. Now let me guess, your date at my son's funeral screwed you over and took your inheritance?" I knew this conversation was going to bad, but it was going much worse than I thought. Still, I chuckled a little, since he was at least partially correct. "What the hell's so funny?" "Sorry, sir, you're completely wrong, but the tiny glimmer of truth just struck me as amusing. Look, let me start this whole conversation over. I am really and truly sorry for what I said at the funeral. My anger and grief took over, and I lost control. Honestly, I'm not sorry for WHAT I said, as much as HOW and WHERE I said it. It was disrespectful of Steve's memory to tarnish the funeral with my anger," I said, as modestly and conciliatorily as I could. I paused to collect my thoughts, and there was silence on the other end. For a moment, I thought he had hung up on me. I was about to stupidly ask if he was still there, when I heard him sigh. "Scott, you're right. Lydia and I have talked a lot about everything that happened just after his death and how we handled things. Well, not a lot, but in bits here and there over the last year. I know full well that you two were truly in love with each other, and that you only had his wishes in mind, and I let my own grief get the better of me. And I'm sorry, that I've been holding on to all that anger. Hell, I didn't even realize it was still there until your name showed up on the caller id. Now, what did that bastard do, and how can I help you. I know you well enough to know that you'd only call for help if there were no other options." "Actually, I'm not calling about Will. Although maybe I should explain." I proceeded to tell Richard about how I had met Will while blindly running and how he'd allowed me to get everything off my chest and made me feel just a little better. "I really thought he was just a friend helping me out, but one night, he crossed the line, and sent me into a tailspin. I actually left town for a long time and didn't return until the anniversary of Steve's death. I still thought he was a good guy at heart, but I'm not so sure now. That's a whole other story that I'm not in the mood to go into." "I see. Whenever we talk to Tom, you don't really come up in the conversation, but he did mention you're doing better now."

doing better now." "Well, that's actually more in lines with why I'm calling you, sir. Again, please remember that I'm calling you because I need help and don't know where to turn, so please don't get angry with me. In the last few weeks, I've met someone, and we've started dating." I could almost hear the beginnings of rage on Richard's side of the phone. "Please. I'm calling on his behalf. I don't know where this relationship is going yet, and I don't even know how strongly I feel about him, but I do know that I like him. For the first time since Steve's death, I feel alive again. Hell, sometimes almost one hundred percent. You can judge me all you want, but, PLEASE, he needs your legal expertise." This time, I could hear the anger dissipate, as Richard let out a loud sigh. "Honestly, Scott, that's a lot to take in for me. Deep down, I knew you'd probably find someone at some point, but I never really thought that I'd hear much about it. My default reaction is to say that I'm happy for you, but we both know that's not really true. I am happy that you're doing better. That's something that can't be completely said about me, and definitely can't be said for Lydia. All right, you've sold me on helping. And I'll even give you actually family rate," he said, with a slight chuckle. Through all the times that I'd interacted with him, I'd only heard that a few times, and it gave me hope that the whole 'Willow Situation' would be dealt with and Zach would get a better life. "Ok, here's the deal." I proceeded to inform Richard about how Noah ended up with a child and the living situation that Zach was forced to be in. I included all of the vile things that Willow had said to, and around, Zach that I had overheard. "Well, you're definitely correct that no child should be forced to live like that, especially when he has an able biological father who is willing to take him. Just so you know, this is a family court matter, and while I don't have too much experience with that particular court system, I know a few guys who could give me whatever help I need. "I'm sure you know that courts regularly side with the mother, even if she is unfit. We're going to need proof that the living conditions are bad enough. You mentioned that she seems to clean up her act around Child Services, so simply involving them won't really help the situation. Maybe you could try to take photos and document it? They may or may not be admissible, but it would at least give us a starting point." "I'm actually a step ahead of you. I already took about 20. Hold on, let me email them to you." I quickly emailed the photos, and within a minute, I heard Richard gasp in horror. "Oh my God! Who the fuck would allow a child to live like that! Here's what I'm going to do. I need to make some calls. Since it's Friday, we may be able to do something, but I can't make any guarantees. Don't do anything rash. We're dealing with legal issues here, so we don't want to screw anything up by rushing. I'll get the ball rolling, but I really need to talk to Noah directly before long, since I'm going to actually be representing him in this matter." "Thank you so much! I feel so helpless, but I know that Zach needs me to do something. Noah feels like he's trapped with no more options in this situation, and I think he's worried about what might happen if he tries again and loses. Hopefully with you in our corner, he'll realize that he has the help he needs." "Well, realize that it's probably not a good start to a new relationship to go behind their back, even if it's in the best interest," Richard scolded me. "Yeah, I know that. I know he'll understand; I just hope that he's not too mad at me." "Ok, well I need to get started on my end. I'll talk to you soon." He chuckled. "Huh. Never thought I'd say that again." I chuckled too, said goodbye, and walked back into the trailer. The mess that had once been on the coffee table had merged with the mess on the floor, and a game of Candy Land was under way. I sat down on the couch next to Zach and immediately noticed that Noah's character was way behind Zach's.

"Wow. You must be really good at this game," I told Zach. "Look how much you're winning." Noah winked at me, with a smile. If he was still hurt or confused it didn't show. "I don't know. Daddy keeps picking up several cards and then says 'Oops' and puts them back." He leaned in to me, and 'whispered' loudly, "I think Daddy's cheating, but he's not good at it." With that, Zach drew a card, and moved his piece. Noah then drew about five cards, looked at them quickly, said "Oops, I can't believe I keep doing that!" and then put all but one back. I noticed it wasn't the top card, but instead one that only moved him forward a single square. I watched with amusement as Zach excitedly won a few minutes later. "Only you would cheat at Candy Land. And lose," I said jokingly with Noah. He just grinned. "I really didn't think he realized what I was doing. Since it's all luck, I wanted to make sure that he won. Look how happy he is." We both watched for a moment, as Zach happily danced around the living room. "You know, I taught him that dance," Noah said with another goofy grin. Suddenly Zach stopped dancing. "Daddy, I gotta go potty." "That's ok, buddy. You need help?" "No. I can do it!" With that, Zach quickly ran out of the room. Almost immediately, Noah's grin was gone. "Are you going to tell me what the hell that was about? You wanted to meet him, and then you immediately have to run off to make a phone call?" It was the first time he'd been angry with me, but I was prepared for it. "Please don't be too mad at me. It just broke my heart to see how he's living. I called Dick. Steve's dad. He's a lawyer like Steve was. I was hoping maybe he could help get Zach out of here. I'm really sorry that I did all this behind your back just after I said that I'd follow your lead." "Waitthat's what you did?!?" his voice wasn't angry anymore, and he completely ignored my apology. His eyes flickered with excitement of the thought of helping Zach. "How did that go?" "In some ways better than I had hoped. It started much worse than I expected, but it got a lot better. I also took some photos of the house and sent them to him. He's now got it out for Willow, and believe me, he's not someone you want to face up against. He said he had to make a few calls and see what he could do. Also, you need to talk to him at some point, since he'll be representing you." "Well, that'll be a little awkward. I've never had to interact with a boyfriend's husband's father before, but there's a first for everything. Hopefully he'll be able to help, but I can't allow myself to get my hopes up." The excitement that had entered Noah was beginning to wane, and I knew that his past legal struggles cut like deep wounds. "We need to be optimistic. You can't let Zach see you this way. In the little time we've been here, I've see just how much he loves you, and how excited he gets when you're around. Besides, I think I'm falling in love with the little guy." "I think his dad is beginning to feel the same about you." I blushed when he said that, and it made my entire body feel weak for a moment. I gave Noah a quick kiss on the lips, just as we heard the toilet flush. "I did it Daddy!" an excited blur said, zipping back to his spot between us on the couch. "Good job, Zachy! I'm so proud of you! Hey, are you hungry? I think we should go get a pizza. What do you think?"

think?" "PIZZAAAAAA!!!" Zach answered, which I could only assume meant that he thought the idea had merit. Suddenly I remembered that Richard had warned me about not screwing up anything at this point. "Zach, can you do me a favor?" I asked the boy. "Maybe," he said, matter-of-factly. "Can you go change your clothes?" "Why?" "Ummbecause you spilled something on them." At this point I was just trying to get him out of the room so I could voice my concerns with Noah, and I had just backed myself in the corner. Zach pulled the bottom of the shirt out and very carefully examined it. "No I didn't." "Yes, you did." "Where?" I pointed to random spot on his chest. When he looked, I used the textbook practical joke and tweaked his nose. He giggled. "How about this: you don't need to change your clothes, but I need to talk to your daddy about something. Can you go to your room for a few minutes?" Tears began to well up in his eyes when I said that. "Did I do bad? I don't wanna go to my room!" Noah quickly wrapped his arms around him. "No, Zachy. Sometimes grownups need to talk to each other, and there's just no reason that a little kid like you needs to hear it. How about this:" Noah paused and dug around the junk for a moment, until he found a toy fire truck. "Why don't you play with this while Scott and I go talk outside?" "So I'm not in trouble?" He looked up at me, and my heart melted. He's eyes were brimmed with tears, and his bottom lip stuck out a little as he pouted. "No, of course not, Zach. I'm sorry. Unlike your daddy, I'm still new at being around little kids. Please give me a second chance?" He thought for a moment, again tapping his index finger to his chin. "Ok. You have a second chance. But I'm not little anymore. I'm four." I laughed, and ruffled his hair, which caused him to giggle. Then he surprised me by jumping in my lap and giving me a big hug. "Now if you'll excuse us for a minute, old man Zach," which caused the boy to giggle again, "Your daddy and I have to talk about something. Then we'll see what we can do about pizza." "YAAAAAY!!!! I like pizza!" We stepped outside, while Zach busied himself with the fire truck that apparently also delivered pizzas. To Mars. As soon as the door closed, Noah was on my again. "Now what? You don't want pizza? Besides, it'll be good for him to get out of the house. I really don't think Willow even does that very often with him."

"No it's not the pizza. It's the getting him out of the house. You know better than I do that Willow is supposed to be with you at all times when you're with Zach. Granted, she hasn't bothered even leaving her room yet, but we have been in the same house the entire time." Noah grumbled under his breath, "If you can even call it that." "Anyway, Dick made it very clear to me that we need to make sure everything we do is legit. This visit is probably going to his 'Exhibit A', or whatever, in his case to strip Willow of her parental rights." "I never thought about that. You're right. Hey, I got an idea." He opened the door and shouted, "Hey, Willow! I'm going to take Zach to get pizza, is that ok?!" There was another squeal of excitement from Zach, immediately followed by a bellow from the back of the trailer. "Fine, whatever! Just take the fucking bastard and get out of my hair for a while. I want to be alone anyway." "Is that good enough for you?" He asked me with a grin. "Almost. Hold on." I ran to the car, and pulled out a pad of paper. I quickly wrote "I, Willow Hollin, hereby authorize Noah Abrams and anyone else in his company, to take my son, Zacharias Hollin, out of an area where I have direct supervisory capacity for the purposes of, but not limited to, obtaining food. Signed," I then put an X and drew a line. "Have her sign this. Even if it doesn't hold up in court, it'll help our case to show that we're trying to do the right thing. It will also show that she doesnt seem to give a damn about what her responsibilities are during your visits." "Are you sure that Steve was the only lawyer? This is good!" Noah said with approval. I laughed. "Nope, just Steve. But that's not to say that I didn't pick up a few tricks of my own." We walked back inside. Zach was still focused on his fire truck. I walked over to him, while Noah headed for the lion's den. "C'mon, Zach. Let's go get in the car while your daddy talks to your mommy real quick." "Ok. But they were just about to deliver a pizza to Candy Land." "Well, why don't you bring your truck with you, and you can deliver it in the car." "Yeah!" Just as I shut the door, I heard Willow speak (not yelling for the first time) "What the fuck is this?" I looked in Willow's car, and saw a beat up car seat in the back. The car wasn't locked, so I opened the door and pulled it out. Looking at the size of it, I was pretty sure it wasn't intended for four-year olds, and with the condition it was in, I wasn't sure that it would actually be effective in the case of an accident, but it was better than nothing. I quickly strapped it into the back of Noah's car, then looked at Zach. He looked scared. "Scott. I don't wanna ride in that." "Why not?" "Because it's scary." "Doesn't your mommy strap you into it when you go places?"

"No. She said she couldn't be bothered. 'Sides, I can't move around when I'm in it." "Well, it'll keep you safe if we get into an accident." "What's an ass-a-dant?" "It's when something bad happens that you don't think is going to happen. Like if we're driving and another car hits us. It'll hold you tight so you don't get hurt." "Ooooooh. So like when I knock something over and it breaks? That's an ass-a-dant? I don't want to break." "Ok. So let's strap you in here nice and tight." I picked him up and strapped him in. He was completely secure, but he kept asking me to make the straps tighter. "They're tight enough to keep you safe now." "Are you sure? I don't want to break." "No. You'll be fine. I promise." Just then Noah came out holding the piece of paper. He saw me immediately, but didn't notice Zach. "Where's Zach?" he asked, in the tone that only a worried parent is capable of. "I'm right here, Daddy!" the boy giggled from inside the car, as he move the truck through the air. "I didn't see you there buddy! I see you agreed to your seat. How'd Scott manage that?" "He told me that I'd dent my ass if I didn't, and I don't want to break!" I quickly translated that sentence for a bewildered Noah. "Well, I'm glad he got you in there. I know you don't like it, but it makes me feel better too." Then to me, he added, "I've been trying to get him to use that thing for the past year, but he just won't get in it. Since I don't get too much time with him, I do what I can to avoid dealing with a screaming four-year-old as much as possible. You are amazing." "I do my best. Did she sign it?" "Without even reading it. I told her that it was to protect her if we didn't bring him back. And I mean it. He listened to you. He doesn't even do that for me sometimes." With that, we got in the car, and it wasn't long before I noticed the telltale sign of the place we were going.

16. Chapter 16 - Out With Zach

As Noah pulled the car into a shopping center, I noticed the telltale neon sign of every child's favorite mouse-infested pizza restaurant/arcade. That's right, Chuck E. Cheese. Zach, strapped in his booster seat, was far too engrossed delivering pizzas to faraway places with his space-traveling fire truck to notice until the car came to a stop. For the first time since we left, he looked up from his truck. "Scott? Are we there yet?" he excitedly inquired. "Yes we are. Are you excited?" I asked, ignoring the look of jealousy that Noah was trying to hide. I knew the answer, but the little boy's squeal confirmed it.

He then looked around the parking lot. "But where is it? I don't see Pizza Hut, Daddy. Are you losted?" "No, buddy. We're going to a special pizza place in that building right over there," he said, pointing to the storefront. "They have all sorts of fun games and rides we can do after we eat." "Oh. Ok." Noah's face fell a little at the less-than-expected reaction from his son. I knew it wouldn't be until we got inside and Zach actually saw everything that he'd get excited. For the moment, he was just taking Noah's response as an explanation for why we weren't at a Pizza Hut. Noah and I got out of the car, and Noah quickly came around and unstrapped Zach from his car seat. The boy held his father's hand as we walked across the parking lot. As we got close the door, Zach froze. "Daddy? I don't wanna go anymore." His eyes were wide and tears were beginning to well up. His lower lip had distended and was trembling a little. Noah crouched down and took both of the boy's tiny hands into his own. "Why's that Zachy? Tell me what's wrong." "I don't like mouses. They come in and take our food and eat our house. Mommy's always yelling at them. I don't wanna go someplace that has mouses that will eat my pizza." I was out of Zach's line of sight, but I still struggled to suppress a smile. I was impressed that he made the connection between the anthropomorphic mascot that was plastered on the window and real mice. I then realized the implications were that his home-life was even worse than I had previously thought. I hadn't seen any signs of an infestation while we were there, but the fact wasn't too much of a surprise. Noah looked up at me with a bewildered look on his face as he struggled to come up with an answer that would appease the four-year-old's concerns. After a moment, he explained, "This mouse is a special mouse. He's our friend, and his name is Chuck E." The tears that had threatened seemed to dry up immediately as Zach hopefully asked, "So the mouses won't eat my pizza?" "No buddy. But you'll have to share with me and Scott. Is that ok with you?" "Of course I'll share with you, Daddy. Don't be silly," the boy responded with a giggle. He still didn't look completely sold on the idea, so I bent over and addressed him. "Zach, can I tell you a secret? Noah, step away for a second. This is just between me and Zach." Noah looked a little confused, but did as I requested. After a short whispered conversation by me and Zach, I beckoned Noah back over just as Zach responded loudly with a 'YEAH!'. I whispered to him that I'd explain when we sat down, and he simply nodded. With that, we walked into the hell that is Chuck E. Cheese for an adult, both of us holding one of Zach's hands.

Immediately upon entry, Noah and I hit critical mass of sensory overload. Flashing lights, sound effects, and music filled the entire room. I was glad it was still early on a Friday, and the place wasn't very full. Hopefully, we wouldn't have to worry about crowds or lines and Zach would have the time of his life. Speaking of, his eyes were wide with amazement as he struggled to take everything in. Anytime he tried to focus on something, a new thing would catch his eyes. They stamped Zach and Noah right away with invisible ink, so that they could ensure that Zach left with the right adult. He was disappointed that he couldn't see his stamp, but they showed him how it looked under a UV light and that got him excited because now he was 'magical'. The poor girl gave in and stamped my hand too. According to Zach, it wasn't fair that he and Noah were magical and I wasn't. He even turned her logic around on her. "How can you be sure that Scott leaves with the right person? I don't want him to get losted and go home with a stranger." We were led to the tables, and quickly ordered a large pepperoni for the three of us. According to Zach, it's the only 'real' way to eat pizza. I made mental note that if I ever had the opportunity, I'd eventually challenge him on that, but today was all about the little guy. He sat there drinking out of a crazy straw while staring at the creepy (at least to me and Noah) animatronic band that was 'playing' really bad music. But he loved it, and it gave Noah and I some time to talk amongst ourselves. "So what is it you told him outside?" Noah asked. I think he was a little frustrated that I had shared a secret with his son that he knew nothing about, but he didn't convey it. His tone was simply one of curiosity. I laughed. "I told him that I was a little afraid of mice, too, but if he could be brave and face his fear, then I'd be able to as well. I also told him that you didn't know about my fear and that I was concerned you wouldn't like me anymore if you found out!" "Wait, are you afraid of mice?" "Of course not. I might scream like a little girl if one jumped out when I opened a drawer or something, but after the surprise wore off, I'd catch the little fucum bugger," I quickly amended, glancing at Zach, "and make sure it never bothered me again." "Nice save." "Thanks. I'm not really used to censoring myself, not that Zach hasn't heard all the words before, clearly. But I don't feel right saying them in front of him." "I know what you mean. Back to the point," He said, with a malicious twinkly in his eyes, "I see how you are, manipulating my son to get in my good graces." I giggled a little at that, before winking. "Well, is it working?" I could tell that Noah decided to interpret my question as a serious one, and I could already hear the spiel about how I didn't need to do anything to make him like me and that he just wanted me to be myself. I put my hand on his knee to preemptively cut him short. "Sorry, I was trying to be coy. Besides, I think Zach gave me the four-year old equivalent to what you were about to say: he told me that he could tell that you already liked me just fine, and while my secret was safe with him, you would like me even if I was afraid of 'mouses'." Yes, I even used the air-quotes.

"That's my boy," Noah said after a hearty laugh that managed to even draw Zach's attention for a moment before he returned to staring at the robots and bopping in his seat to the crap blasting through the stereos. "You have to admit, he's a real smart cookie for a little guy." "That he is." I responded with a laugh. I reached over and ruffled Zach's hair, which only got him to glare at me for a second and try to smooth it before returning to what he was doing. We didn't get the chance to talk further, as our waitress brought us our delicious steaming-hot pepperoni-and-cheese-covered cardboard. Zach seemed to like it, though. I was surprised at how neat of an eater Zach was. He managed to only get sauce on his cheeks, nose, hands, and one spot on his shirt. He quickly ate a slice of pizza and a few bites from a second slice before promptly informing us, "I'm full. Can we go play games yet?" "Not yet, little buddy," Noah told him. "Let Scott and I finish eating first, then we'll all go over together. "Ok," was the boy's entire response, as he quickly returned his attention to the music. I expected him to get upset, whine, and make a scene until he got what he wanted. I continued to be impressed that such a well-mannered and easy-going kid was the result of Willow's parenting. After a few minutes, we had eaten our fill, and we all got up and walked over to the games. I was shocked when he came over to me and took my hand as we went. Noah gave me a little smile, but I could tell there was just a twinge of jealously beneath the surface. We gave Zach a small bucket of tokens and told him to have fun. With that, he was off. We watched with amusement as Zach played the arcade games and skeeball, and just about everything else that he could do. Wait. Let me try that again. While Zach kept getting frustrated at not being able to win tickets, Noah and I frantically pumped token after token into machines in a mad-dash attempt to win as many tickets as possible for Zach to trade in. For Zach's part, he quickly tired of the games that gave prizes and began riding the little mechanical animals and playing in the tubes. Those sort of attractions were more his speed anyway, so it wasn't a big shock that he gravitated towards those. They no longer have ball pits, which made me a little sad for him, because those things were always my favorite when I was a kid. Since it wasn't crowded, we just let him do his thing as we continued to work towards allowing him to trade-in for a cheap prize. Fortunately, despite the din from the arcade games, there weren't many people, so we didn't have to deal with crowds around any of the games, and Noah and I were easily able to continue talking. "He really is a great kid. I can see why you want to devote every moment of your weekends exclusively to him," I said, adding on a 'Yes!' when I managed to drop the last skeeball into the hole worth the highest number of points. The light flashed, and a buzzer sounded, apparently indicating that I had 'won'. I excitedly ripped off the five tickets that popped out as Noah hip-checked me out the way for his turn. "Yeah, he is," Noah responded, managing to successfully miss all the holes on his first throw. "But to be honest, it's been even more fun sharing my father-son time with you as well. I keep getting a little jealous at how quickly he's taken to you, but that's my issue, and it's not really a big deal. I know it's still REALLY early in our relationship, and I hope this doesn't freak you out to much, but I really do think I love you. I know you don't feel the same

doesn't freak you out to much, but I really do think I love you. I know you don't feel the same way, but I just had to tell you how I feel." I sighed. "I know you do. I'm not really sure how I feel yet. This is all so strange to me. As you know, despite all of my experiences, I'd never really dated anyone before Steve. Everything just happened so naturally between the two of us. I know I really like you, and I know I haven't felt this way about anyone in my life other than Steve. Just give me time to figure it all out. Besides, you have to admit that going with your new boyfriend to Chuck E. Cheese with his son is a little strange for a date," I finished with a chuckle, hip-checking him right as he went to throw a ball, which caused him to miss his target altogether. He did manage to get 50 points for the ramp next to ours, which I thought was particularly impressive. We both burst out in uncontrollable laughter for a few moments, which drew the attention of all of the workers and the few customers. "See?" Noah said, barely able to speak while laughing. "Between what you just said and the way you acted. That's why I love you." "I know," I responded, matter-of-factly, as he threw his last ball. The bulb didn't light up, and the buzzer didn't go off, yet out popped five tickets. I felt bamboozled, but I wasn't really surprised. I've played enough carnival games and gambled enough to know that the house always wins. Noah grabbed his winnings and turned to me, putting his hands on my waist. He leaned in slowly to kiss me, just as Zach shouted, "NO!!! STOP!!!" We looked over, and the little guy was running towards us. We were both confused, but he just went by in a blur. We turned to follow his course. He ran straight to the mascot, which had apparently been walking our way, and stood in front of him defiantly. "You can't come down here! My friend, Scott, doesnt like mouses. I'm gonna protect him from you!" I stifled a laugh at the scene I was witnessing. Apparently my ploy had backfired, and now Zach was trying to 'save me'. Noah leaned over and told me, "Look what you did." With a chuckle, I responded, "Yeah, but since I'm supposedly afraid of him, you have to be the one to figure out how to diffuse this." "Damn. Oh well, just follow my lead. Try to look a little apprehensive, but I doubt that Zach will really notice." With that, we approached Zach from behind. Noah startled him a little when he put his hands on the child's shoulders, but Zach simply responded with a 'Hi Daddy!' "Hey buddy. Remember when I said that Chuck E. is our friend? We don't need you to protect us from our friends. But I'm sure Scott is grateful that you wanted to keep him safe, aren't you Scott?" He added the last part with a nudge to my ribs. "Sure thing. Now that I know you'll protect me from him, if I give him a hug, will you give him one too?" Zach tapped his chin in thought for a moment before simply responding with his patented, "Ok." While hugging the mascot, I whispered, "I'm so sorry about this. He's afraid of mice and

While hugging the mascot, I whispered, "I'm so sorry about this. He's afraid of mice and didn't want to come in until I told him that I was afraid, too and needed him to be brave for me." I was a little surprised when a teenage girl's voice came from the costume with a laugh, "Guess that backfired on you, huh?" Zach took his turn hugging Chuck E. and we got a few cute pictures of the two together. He then tried to talk to the mascot, but got frustrated when the mouse wouldn't respond. Then he decided to try to show 'him' his new favorite rides. I quickly explained that I was sure that Chuck E. had other friends to spend time with, relieving the poor woman of the boy's attention. Zach watched us play games for a few minutes, and we both took turns playing racing simulators with Zach on our laps so he could steer. The three of us eventually went to the prize window and Zach excitedly handed over his tickets. He chose a blue monster finger puppet that we could have probably bought in a store for two dollars, but it made him happy. He also got three little green soldiers. As we walked away from the counter and towards the exit, he stopped and gave one of the soldiers to Noah, gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, and said excitedly "Thank you, Daddy! You're the bestest!" Then he turned to me, and gave me one of his soldiers as well. "Thank you, Scott! You're the bestest, too." With that he unhesitatingly gave me a big hug and kiss as well. We each held one of Zach's hands as we walked out of the restaurant. Noah had insisted on paying for everything. His wallet may have been much lighter, but both of our hearts were much fuller. I noticed that the shopping center had one of the big box retail stores, so I suggested we go in and replace his busted car seat with something new. Noah agreed, so off we went. It turns out that I was right. Zach should have been using a booster seat. They had several different styles so we let him choose the one he wanted to ride in. Of course he chose the most expensive one with all the bells and whistles. Hell, it even had a cup holder. I could tell that Noah wasn't too happy with the choice, so I quickly offered to pay, thinking nothing of it. We walked back to the car, and quickly put the new booster seat in. Zach happily jumped in, and Noah secured him. We climbed in the front, and Noah suggested we get some ice cream. My stomach churned slightly at the thought, as I was still processing lunch, but the squeal in the back of the car was enough to signify our next stop. The entire drive, Zach sat in his seat playing with his new soldier and finger puppet. I have no idea what they were doing, despite the fact that Zach was chattering excitedly the whole way. He was in his own world the way only a young child (or crazy person) can be. I was just content to hold Noah's hand during the short drive. He stopped playing as soon as we pulled to a stop and the toys were quickly forgotten. He was temporarily frustrated because he was ready to get out but couldn't really move because of the straps. I quickly released Zach, and picked him up out of the car. I went to put him down, but he asked me to carry him. I gave Noah a look, shrugged, and tossed the boy over my shoulder in a fireman's carry. He giggled the entire way in. Still holding Zach upside down, I ordered a small chocolate cone for me, Noah ordered a butter-pecan, and then I turned around so Zach could place his order. He got a large chocolate waffle cone. He wasn't nearly as successful eating this neatly as he had been with the pizza. Pretty much every exposed part of him was covered. It helped that Noah covered him in napkins before he ate, but only a little.

"Oh, crap," I said suddenly to Noah. "You still have to call Richard. You want to step outside and call now?" Noah let out a loud sigh, before saying, "I guess I'd better. I'm just worried because this will probably be one of the most awkward things I've ever done." I patted his leg supportively. "I know it'll be awkward. But he's a damn good lawyer and a true professional. He may have a problem with me meeting someone new, but he's not going to be too difficult, because he knows that it's not about you and me, but about you and Zach." "I know, I know, but thanks for saying it out loud, Mr. Rational." Then, to Zach, he added, "I need to go make a quick phone call. Can you stay with Scott and keep him company?" Zach just nodded his content apparent beneath his gooey mess of face. With that, Noah slid out of the booth after giving me a kiss on the cheek. He ruffled Zach's hair, carefully avoiding the spots that had somehow come into contact with chocolate. I watched with amusement as Zach somehow managed to eat the entire ice cream cone, and tried my best to scrub him clean while he squirmed. I was grateful he didn't shriek or anything. Instead he just giggled as he tried to wriggle away from me. I could see Noah was still on the phone with Richard when I had finished cleaning up his son. He appeared to be doing more listening than talking, which I interpreted as a good sign. Suddenly Zach asked me a question. "Do you like my daddy?" Great, now I was being given the third-degree by a child. "Yes I do. I like him very much. Is that ok?" Zach once again tapped his chin, as if he was contemplating the meaning of life. After a moment he responded. "I guess. He's a lot happier than usual." Psychoanalysis from a four-year old. And I hate shrinks. At this point, I was committed to the conversation, so I asked, "Is he usually sad?" "No. He's just happier." I decided to turn the question around on the boy. "Well, do you like me?" He giggled at that. "Of course I do! You're fun." His face fell for a second, and he asked me with sad-eyes, "Do you like me?" "I think you're just about the greatest little guy I've ever met." He immediately scowled at me. "What?" "I told you! I'm not little anymore! I'm FOUR!" As if to emphasize this, he held up four grubby little fingers.

I laughed at that, and mussed his hair, to which he giggled. "I'm sorry. You're the greatest BIG guy I've ever met. Is that better?" He nodded, got off his seat, and climbed in my lap, laying his head on my chest. "Zach, can I ask you a question?" "Yeah," he replied sleepily. "I know you said you're mommy is mean sometimes. Does she ever hurt you?" "Most of the time I play 'hide' when she starts yelling, but some days I'm too slow," was all the tired boy could muster before his eyes fluttered shut. I made a mental note to talk to Noah about that, and knew someone would have to talk to Zach in more detail about that later. I just held Zach against me while he slept for about ten minutes, or so, until Noah walked back into the store with a big smile. "You were right about being a professional. He started out by apologizing in advance if he ever steps out of line, but made it clear that this is uncharted territory for him. That closest the conversation ever got to dealing with your past with Steve, and that made me feel a lot more comfortable. "Anyway, he managed to look at a lot of the previous custody hearings and even got his hands on some of the findings from Child Services. Apparently they've been suspicious, too. Those photos you sent him seemed to have really helped to open doors on this case. "The bad news is that no action can be done immediately. Child Services is going to do a surprise visit tomorrow while we're at the trailer. Since they don't usually show up on Saturday, I doubt she'll be able to clean up her act in time." I put my hand up, to let him breath, and let me take in everything he was telling me. "Well, that's all understandable, I guess. I'm glad things seem to be progressing in our favor. Does that mean there's good news?" Noah didn't seem to catch my Freudian slip, and I wasn't about to point it out after I realized what I had said. "Yeah, there's great news! In the event that Child Services feels that Zach needs to be removed from the home, I've already been extended emergency custody. Oh wait. There's an issue with that." Noah's eye's darkened a little and his brow furrowed with worry. "You'll have to agree to it to. Since I live in an efficiency, Richard suggested that I use your home as my temporary address. Please don't be mad at me. I agreed to it without thinking, then realized that would mean that I just moved in with my new boyfriend, child in tow, without even asking if that was ok. It would only be for a few days. As soon as we get back to the city, I'll find a larger apartment for me and Zach to share." I just smiled. "Of course you can move in. I mean, this isn't exactly the timeframe I expected before we discussed moving in with each other, but this is a special circumstance. BUT," I put a little too much emphasis on that word, and Zach rearranged himself slightly in my arms before relaxing again. I waited until he was fast asleep again before continuing. "I'm not saying you're 'moving in' with me in the same capacity as we might discuss in the future. We'll figure out the best arrangement, but you're welcome to

might discuss in the future. We'll figure out the best arrangement, but you're welcome to use either a spare room or the couch if need be." Noah seemed surprised by my response. "What? You expected me to say 'no'?" I said with a grin. He laughed his response off. "No. I expected you to have to think about it first. I expected you to have questions about sleeping arrangements. I didn't expect you to already know the answers I was planning on giving. Even while I was on the phone, my mind was in overdrive trying to find a way to sell it to you. The way I see it, Tom and Sarah pretty much share a room, so there's practically one unused bedroom and the couch. I'll take the couch and we can put Zach in the bedroom. Are you sure that'd be ok, though? He'd be right next to you while I'd be further down the hall." "You, my dear," I said with a chuckle, "are thinking way too hard about this. Zach needs a place to stay that's child-appropriate in case Child Services determines he needs to be removed from Willow. I can provide that. We'll figure everything else out as needed." Noah leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips. We were met with a few uncomfortable looks from other patrons. I was quickly reminded why I preferred to stay in the city. I picked up Zach and carried him to the car, and strapped him in his seat. As I climbed in the passenger seat, I asked Noah to take us back to the retail store we'd been in earlier. "Why? Do you need something?" "I just had a thought, and want to look into something," was my entire reply. I had a nagging feeling that Child Services couldn't inspect Willow fast enough. I climbed out of the car in front of the store, and told Noah to just wait for me. Zach was still asleep in the back, so it would just be easier go alone, anyway. I walked in and went straight for the electronics area. I grabbed the cheapest disposable cell phone they had. After paying, I used my phone to activate it while standing there, while a bewildered employee was clearly thinking I was a drug dealer or something. I programmed my phone number in it, and put it away for the moment. Noah was carrying Zach into the store very quickly as I walked out. I shot up my eyebrow in a questioning look, but he just mouthed 'bathroom'. I nodded and walked in that direction. I guess the ice cream and drinks had worked their way through the boy's system already. Fortunately, an accident was avoided. Returning to Willow's trailer, we found it vacant. She must have stepped out. I breathed a sigh of relief because I had been fortunate enough to avoid any confrontation with her. The three of us played games for a while and just kept busy. Zach took another nap, during which time I called Richard and told him that it was fine if Noah used my address temporarily. Apparently, he had assumed it was because he had already submitted the information to Child Services. He asked to speak to Noah again, so I went inside to get him. I was surprised that Zach was up again. "Hey buddy," I said, after Noah had stepped out. "I thought you were asleep." "Not anymore! I'm awake," Zach said, proudly. "I see that. Hey, I got something for you." I slipped the disposable phone out of my pocket and gave it to the boy. "This is just in case you REALLY need help. Just press the green

and gave it to the boy. "This is just in case you REALLY need help. Just press the green button and it will call me. Ok?" "COOOOOL! Ok, Scott." "Don't tell anyone I gave you that, especially your mommy, you promise?" "I promise!" And with that, he walked into his bedroom and hid the phone under his pillow. It would be discovered if someone cleaned the room, but I doubted that would happen anytime soon. Willow stumbled back in around five, clearly high. I was introduced to her as Noah's 'friend'. Surprisingly, she didn't seem fazed at all, but it could have been the drugs. She was definitely much calmer than when we were there earlier. We weren't there too much longer before Noah announced that we needed to go for the night. Zach seemed confused and started to cry. Willow didn't even seem to notice. I knew that Noah usually slept on the couch while he was there, but insisted we stay at a nearby hotel this weekend. Separate rooms, of course. He explained as best he could to Zach, and it took nearly an hour before the boy calmed down enough that we felt ok leaving. He gave each of us a big hug before we did, his bottom lip still quivering slightly and his eyes red from crying. I made a big deal of whispering in his ear that if something happened and he needed us, he just had to call. He simply nodded and squeezed me tighter. We left the trailer, and I could tell that Noah was conflicted. I offered to have him just drop me at the hotel and he could go back, but he refused. "No. It's best for us to get away for the evening, I think, we need some grownup time. And some real food. It also doesn't really make sense for me to stay anyway. Zach will be asleep most of the time. Besides, I wouldn't feel right bringing you out here and ditching you for the night. Since I'm here every week, it never made sense to constantly spring for a hotel when I can crash for free on the couch. But it's never good sleep, just convenient. I know Zach was upset when we left, but he'll forget all about it when he sees us in the morning." "Ok, if you insist. I just really don't want to take away the little time you get with your son." "Don't think of it that way. Besides, based on my conversations with Richard, I really think that I'm going to have custody by the time this weekend's over," Noah said, excitedly. "I think you're right, so we should definitely celebrate, or at least eat. Just no pizza or ice cream," I groaned, clutching my stomach. With a laugh, Noah quickly agreed. We went to a nice Italian place he'd seen before. Over two heaping bowls of pasta and glasses of good wine, we chatted about everything under the sun. Somehow the conversation kept coming back to Zach, and I was certain it wasn't just Noah directing it there. "So how come you've never been here before?" I asked at one point. "The food is amazing." "That it is, but it's usually me, Zach, and Willow. I'm not sure they'd even let her in, and you saw how Zach fared with ice cream. Just imagine him with spaghetti sauce! Usually I just order a pizza and have it delivered."

order a pizza and have it delivered." "Well if Zach comes to stay with us, we'll have to fix that. Granted, I can only imagine the messes that will ensue, but I look forward to it." My voice had taken on a wispy quality as I imagined a future with Noah and Zach in it. "I know you really like Zach, but do you think we're moving too fast? I mean it seems like you've already moved us in completely in your mind." He raised a good point, and I thought for a few minutes before responding. "Honestly, I don't think we are, at least from my perspective. I still don't know exactly where our relationship is going, but I definitely want to find out. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, but I'm not interested in something casual, if that's what you're implying. I mean, I know that I want something long term, if that clarifies anything. I know you're interested in a more long-term relationship, too, so if I'm moving too fast let me know. I just know that I've already learned the lesson of going for what you want, and if the next chapter in my life involves you and your son, I'm only too happy to share it with you." "You know how I feel about you, Scott," Noah responded, wiping a tear from his the corner of his hazel eyes as they sparkled gently in the candlelight. "I'm not going to say it again, because I know you're not ready for that, but I'm definitely in this relationship for the long haul. You are the single most amazing person I've ever met. Shit, you're almost better than me with Zach, and you've only known him one day. He really loves you already, and that means even more to me than anything I feel towards you." "I gathered as much when he asked me sadly if I liked him, after I told him that I liked you a lot. That was just before he crawled in my lap and took an impromptu nap while you were on the phone." "Fuck. I should've gotten a picture of the two of you. It was so adorable seeing the two of you like that. He was completely at ease, and you looked so happy." I reached over and patted his hand gently. "Hopefully, there will be plenty of opportunities for pictures galore in the future. Now I'm stuffed, and honestly worn out after today. You ready to go back to the hotel?" He agreed, so I paid and he drove us to the place we were staying. It was a basic, no-frills motel, but I was pleasantly surprised that the rooms were quite clean. We even had connected adjoining rooms. We cuddled on my bed for a while and kept talking. Finally, around eleven, Noah wandered back to his room, and I changed and crawled into bed. * * * I had just fallen asleep when my cell phone rang. My heart leapt into my throat as I saw it was Zach. "Zach, are you there? Is everything ok?" I was trying to keep my voice calm, but I was in the midst of a full-blown panic attack. I could hear Willow screaming in the background for a few seconds before a small, scared voice came through the speaker. "Scott? Help me."
And then the line went dead.

17. Chapter 17 - Firestorm

Adrenaline hit me, and suddenly I felt like I could and would move entire buildings if Zach needed me to. I quickly dialed 911 on my phone and started banging on the connecting door to Noah's room frantically. He opened it groggily, wearing a gray t-shirt and a pair of black shorts. "Get dressed. Now!" Was all I managed to get out before the emergency call was answered. To the man on the other end of the phone, I blurted, "Look, I don't know exactly what's wrong, but you need to send police and possibly an ambulance to Green Acres Estates. I just got a frantic call from a young boy living in trailer 17. His mother is a drug addict and I could hear her screaming in the background." Noah, who hadn't moved since he opened the door, had gone completely pale and his mouth hung open. I frantically gestured for him to put on clothes. Instead, he grabbed his keys and wallet, and practically dragged me by my free hand towards my door. "Sir, police are already on the scene, as are the paramedics. A fire truck is on its way." "A fire truck?! Can you tell me what the fuck is going on?!" Noah stopped dead in his tracks as we were halfway out the door. He looked like he was about to completely lose it. I pulled him into a hug with my free hand and he buried his face in my neck as he began to sob. "Sir, all I can tell you is that the proper emergency personnel have already been dispatched and that the situation is under control." "What about Zach? Is he ok?" The operator took a deep breath, and when he spoke, I could tell that his professional detachment had faded. "Look. I don't know. All I know is that all of our circuits are filled with calls coming in about that trailer. I wish I could tell you more, but even if I DID know anything, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you until that information is released publically." "Fuck! Well, we'll be there in ten minutes, so hopefully, we'll know soon." "Sir! I don't recommend you go over there." Without responding, I hung up. I quickly dialed Richard. Unsurprisingly, I woke him up. I didn't have time to beat around the bush, so I immediately started barking at him. "Dick! Shit's going down at the trailer. 911 wouldn't tell me anything, but we're on our way over there now. Tell me what to do!" "Whoa, Scott. Breathe. Are cops and/or paramedics on their way there? If the situation is that bad, I don't want you guys going in there without the police. " "They're all already there, but apparently a fire truck is on its way too. What do we do about Zach?" "Well, first off, we don't know how bad the situation is yet. My guess is they'll take care of him, and hold him at the police precinct until Child Services gets contacted, but at this hour, who knows how long that will be. Tell you what: if you go and as Noah's attorney, I'm not actually sure if you SHOULD go but if you do, just keep me informed. For now, I'm going to hang up and call the director, who I've talked with about Zach several times today. Hopefully, if I bring them in earlier the whole situation will be just a little bit less complicated." "Ok." With that, I rudely hung up. I realized immediately afterwards that I should have been more gracious, but shrugged it off. If Richard had a problem with it, I'll apologize later. I was under duress, after all.

shrugged it off. If Richard had a problem with it, I'll apologize later. I was under duress, after all. Noah was a wreck, which was understandable, but I was a little worried about how he was holding up under the pressure. "I'm going. Do you want to stay here? I can find the place again if you're not sure you can handle it." He just shook his head, seeming to strengthen his resolve. "No. I need to be there. I justwhat if it's too late? I'll never forgive myself if" He was unable to finish the sentence, and just buried his head in my neck again, sobbing. I half-led, half-carried him to the car. I helped him into the backseat, where he immediately curled up, clutching himself, muttering "Oh, God. Oh, God." Over and over again. I pushed the car to its limits. Had I obeyed the speed limit, stopped at stop signs and red lights, it would've taken us ten minutes. I made it there in three. Part of me had wondered why I hadn't encountered any cops on the way, but that was answered as we pulled into the trailer park. Red and blue flashing lights lit the entire complex. A flickering orange glow from the direction of Willow's trailer nearly stopped my heart, but I forced myself to continue. It didn't do any good, as we were quickly stopped by a police perimeter. Seeing this barrier seemed to spring Noah to life. Immediately he was out of the car. Despite his attempts to beg, plead, curse, and threaten, they wouldn't let us through. Nor would they give us any information about what was happening. I heard other onlookers complaining that this was all "the drugged-out whore's" fault, but no one knew any specifics that would help us find out about Zach. Fortunately, we were saved by the arrival of a black sedan and a van labeled Child Protective Services. A woman in her late fifties climbed out of the sedan, and walked right up to us. She looked like she was still trying to wake up, and I hoped that it was the director that Richard had spoken of. "You. Officer. What's the situation?" "Ma'am the primary situation is under control. There's a fire in one of the trailers that's nearly contained, but I have strict orders not to let anyone in the perimeter. Period." "Fine. Get me whoever is in charge here. I need to find out the status of a little boy. Now." "Yes Ma'am." He quickly patched the request through. Without hesitating, the woman turned to us. "Now I'm assuming you two are Scott Hudgins and Noah Abrams. Which one of you is Mr. Abrams? Oh, sorry, I'm Dr. Saunders, Director of the regional branch of Child Protective Services." I pointed to Noah. She held out her hand, but I'm not sure Noah knew what to make of it. I could tell that he was in shock again. I quickly shook her hand. "If we were meeting tomorrow, I'd say it's a pleasure to meet y'all, but under these circumstancesLet's just say that this is the worst part of the job. "For the record, I've never met your son personally, Mr. Abrams, but rest assured that I'm up to date on everything that's been happening. However, before I say anything more, I need to know what's going on. I'm sure you don't know anything new since your lawyer called me, but he said he didn't really know specifics. Can you fill any details in for me?" I told Dr. Saunders about the cell phone I'd given Zach in case of an emergency. "I just had a bad feeling that I couldn't shake," I explained. Then, I detailed the short call I had received, emphasizing that I could her Willow screaming in the background, but couldn't make out anything she said. "Ok. Well that does help some. Now, for the record, I have to tell you Mr. Abrams, that I can't order any action take place until I get a lot more details. But, I'm the one who signed off on the emergency custody agreement, so if I feel it comes to that, there will be no issues."

Noah simply nodded. Then said, "Noah." "Excuse me?" the woman responded, confused. "Call me Noah," he said. I noticed that he seemed much calmer and more composed than he had been just moments before. Even when he came alive when we first approached the barricade, he was nothing like this. Then, he was just reacting. He stuck out his hand, which Dr. Saunders accepted. "Sorry. I'm tearing myself apart trying to figure out what I should be doing. And I'm so scared." "Noah, look at me. You're doing great. If it was my son in this situation, I'd be acting just like you. Possibly even worse. I promise that as soon as I have any information, I'll pass it on to you. For now, just remember that Zach needs you to be strong for him, ok?" She glanced up. I followed her gaze and saw a man approaching the barricade. "Ah, Detective Martin. I should have known it was your crime scene. It has a little more big-city feel than most around these parts," Dr. Saunders said, reaching out her hand to shake the detective's, as he grinned and shook his head. "Pardon me asking, ma'am, but what are you doing here? As far as I know, we just called your office a few minutes ago, and I've never seen you respond personally to an emergency call like this," the detective asked. "I was made aware of how bad the boy's living situation was earlier today. When I got an frantic call from an old friend about an emergency involving him, I mobilized the troops and got here as fast as I could. Now, please, fill me in on exactly what the situation is." She turned to us and excused herself, and the two moved down the police tape, out of ear shot. I didn't know exactly what to do, so I just stood close to Noah and wrapped my arm gently around his shoulder. "I don't know what to do. I feel so damn helpless," Noah confessed after a moment. "You're doing all you can right now. When Dr. Saunders gets back, I'm sure we'll get some more answers." I rubbed his back, and he rested his head on my shoulder. One of the other onlookers approached us. He was the epitome of the trailer-trash stereotype bald, thin as a rail, except of course for his sizeable beer-belly, and he was wearing nothing more than a ratty pair of boxers and a wife-beater. His face was covered with wrinkles, and when he began to speak, I noticed that he only appeared to have a few of his teeth remaining. "Hey, you dat city fag always coming 'round lookin' after tha whore's boy, ain't ya?" I wasn't looking at Noah, but I assumed that his face hardened just as quickly as mine did. "Now, don't go getting' any wrong ideas here. I don' mean no disrespect, just don' think fags are right with God and all, but the Good Book says it ain't my place to judge. I just wanted to tell ya that I hope your boy's alright. If he is, you's best take him from here fast as you can. I know people, and he sure as hell don't belong in this cesspool with the rest of us. 'Sides, there no way some fag can be worse with kids than tha whore. He's a good kid. Deserves a shot at a real life." I was certain that somewhere in there was a compliment, but before either of us had a chance to process what he said, the man had already wandered back into the rest of the crowd. I was beginning to wonder if the crowd was viewing 'city fags' with as much interest as the scene in front of them. Shortly, Dr. Saunders and the detective rejoined us shortly. "Ok, I've heard everything I need to hear. I'll have to actually walk through everything for my official report,

"Ok, I've heard everything I need to hear. I'll have to actually walk through everything for my official report, but Detective Martin, here, will lead us in. He's assured me that things are under control enough." Detective Martin officially introduced himself to us, addressing us as 'Mr. Hudgins' and 'Mr. Abrams', which we both quickly corrected, and then lifted the police tape. Dr. Saunders quickly ducked under it, and Noah followed with only the slightest bit of hesitation. I paused, unsure what to do. After all, I was not related to Zach, and at least legally speaking, had no business being there. Sensing my hesitation, Detective Martin addressed me. "Scott, I assure you, it's quite alright for you to come back here. In fact, there's someone who's been asking for you almost as much as he's asked for Noah." Noah almost knocked over the detective. Just what we needed. A charge for assaulting a police officer. "Wait, Zach's ok? Why didn't you say so?!" Detective Martin just patted Noah on the back with a laugh. "Why don't you go see for yourself? Follow me." He did have to stop Noah a few times, as he kept trying to break into a run. As we got closer to the flashing lights, the three of us being led let out a gasp as we saw the smoldering ruins of Willow's trailer. Actually, only the front half was completely destroyed. It looked like the firefighters had been able to save the bedrooms, although I wasn't sure how much was actually salvageable. As we approached the nearest ambulance, we could clearly hear Willow yelling from the back of a squad car. "Those are the fuckers! They're the ones who did this! They're trying to ruin everything! Let me out of here! I'm gonna fucking kill those goddamn faggots!" Noah and I stopped in our tracks for a second, unsure what to do. Again, Detective Martin just looked at us and laughed. "Relax gentlemen. We have her dead to rights. We found crystal meth and marijuana on her when we arrested her. Actually, when the first officer showed up, she lit the porch on fire to try to keep from being arrested. She's been spouting off like that the whole time. Another officer broke in Zach's window and pulled him out before subduing Willow. So far, we're charging her with arson, child endangerment, drug possession, assaulting an officer, and resisting arrest. We still haven't actually been cleared to enter the trailer, so it's very possible that there could be more charges filed once we get inside. Now come on. There's a little boy who wants to see you two." Before we'd gotten much further, we heard a little voice from the back of the ambulance. "Daddy? Scott? Is that you?" Noah broke into a sprint, and I was only a few steps behind him. Still unsure how the boy was, I was bracing for the worst. At first glance, he seemed to be surrounded by several paramedics tending to him. As I neared, however, it became plain that they were merely doting on him. Zach smiled a big grin when he saw his father. "Daddy! You came!" His face was covered with soot, but he didn't look any worse for wear. Noah quickly engulfed his son in a bear hug, and began sobbing. "Daddy, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" "Oh, God," Noah sobbed. "I was so scared, baby boy. I thought I lost you forever." "But I'm not losted, Daddy. I'm right here!" "I know buddy, I know. And I'm so happy you are," he said, finally putting the boy down. Without hesitation, Zach ran to me, and I picked him up and hugged him tightly. "You scared me with the phone call. I'm so glad you're ok, litt- big guy." "I was scared, too. Mommy was really mean, so I knew I had to call. I also called the 911 number like Daddy told me to do if I was ever in trouble."

Daddy told me to do if I was ever in trouble." "That's very good. You were very brave," I said proudly. I kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair, which elicited the usual giggle from the boy. Suddenly, he seemed to get a lot more serious. "Scott, what's going to happen now? The nice ladies said that mommy was going to the big house. Am I moving there too?" In spite of everything, the innocent question of a child made me laugh. "You're not going to the 'big house', buddy. They're talking about jail, which is where they send people who do bad things. But I don't know exactly what's going to happen next." I pointed to Dr. Saunders, who was deep in discussion with Detective Martin. "Do you see that woman over there?" He just nodded in my arms. "She's a very nice lady, and she'll be the one who will let us know exactly what's going to happen. But I promise you that neither me, nor your daddy, are going anywhere until we find out. Is that ok with you?" "Yeah. Can I go play with the nice ladies in the am-boo-lance? They let me turn on the siren, but only for a second." I put him down and said, "Go right ahead." As if he needed any prompting from me, he was off. I walked over to Noah, who looked like he was lost in thought. I slipped my arm around his waist, and he jumped, startled by my sudden presence. "Is everything ok?" I asked, worried about his sullenness. Again, I seemed to startle him. "What? Oh, everything's fine. They want to take him to the hospital, just to make sure he doesn't have any smoke inhalation, or anything, and to check for signs of abuse. I just can't get over what happened here, as well as what might have happened" he trailed off. "Me too, hun. By the way, he apparently called 911 after he called me. Zach made a big deal that it was you who taught him that. He certainly acted well under pressure." "That's my boy. Why didn't you tell me you got him a cell phone in case something happened?" His tone wasn't quite accusatory, but I could tell he was hurt by being left in the dark. "I'm so sorry about that, Noah. I should have told you, but I just kept having a bad feeling. I knew I was being paranoid, and didn't want you to worry, too," I explained. "I know that. At least rationally. I guess it's like your 'secret' of being scared of mice. I just feel like you're doing stuff with my kid, and I'm left in the dark about it. It's stupid, because I know you're just trying to help, but it's there, nagging at me just a little." "Oh, Noah. I didn't think about it that way at all. I promise, I'll definitely keep you in the loop in the future. He IS your son, after all. I guess I'm just the wicked step-mother," I said with a laugh, which managed to rouse Noah from his funk as he joined me in laughter. "You couldn't be wicked if you tried, and you know that. No. Situations may come up where you need to act in Zach's best interest, and you shouldn't have to worry about how I feel. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything that happened tonight. Besides, you're a natural with him. Even if it backfired on you, the 'mice' thing was a stroke of brilliance, and it convinced him to go in. Today was definitely the best day of my life. Well, not counting this," he finished, pointing to the trailer. "At least promise me that you'll let me know each time I step out of line." "It's a deal," he said, jokingly putting out his hand for me to shake, which I did. "But we shouldn't be getting too far ahead of ourselves. I know we were told that Willow's going off to prison, but until I hear it from Dr. Saunders, I just don't want to completely assume I have custody. For all I know, they're just going to load him in the van and take him somewhere."

him in the van and take him somewhere." As if on cue, Dr. Saunders shook Detective Martin's hand and began walking over to us. Zach noticed this as well, and hopped out of the back of the ambulance and ran over to his father, clutching his leg. When she approached, she immediately crouched down and addressed the boy. "Hi! My name is Rebecca, you must be Zach." For the first time, I saw a scared and shy boy. With his left hand, he clutched the bottom of Noah's shorts, while he stuck three of his fingers from his right hand into his mouth and nodded. "Well good. I'd hate to talk to the wrong boy in the ambulance." Shy Zach immediately disappeared as he giggled. "No! I'm the ONLY boy in the am-boo-lance," he announced. His eyes widened and his lower lip trembled a little as he asked her the same question he asked me earlier. "They say mommy's going to a big house, but Scott says I don't have to go too. Is that right?" "Well, that's why I'm here. You're not going to 'the big house'. In fact, if you want, you can go live with your daddy and Scott. Would you like that?" Without any hesitation, he loudly exclaimed, "YEAH!!!" several officers and the paramedics, who had been talking to themselves all turned to look momentarily at the outburst. "Daddy's the bestest ever. Scott is too." "Now I have to talk to your daddy and Scott for a few minutes. Do you want to play in the ambulance some more?" He tapped his lower lip before responding simply, "Ok," and off he went. Dr. Saunders stood up and said, "The thing I hate most about this job is having to make visits like these. There is absolutely no question in my mind that Ms. Hollin is an unfit mother, and the fact that she's about to be incarcerated for a long time makes this a whole lot easier. "This part of the job is my favorite part. On behalf of the state of Georgia, I officially grant both of you emergency custody of Zach. There are a few papers that we have to fill out, but you can come by the office tomorrow. Lord knows, I'll be there most of the day doing my own paperwork from tonight. I do have a legal notice in my car that I'll bring over before I leave. Now do y'all have any questions for me?" Noah looked so happy that he was about to burst, but I was just shocked. "Wait? I have custody of Zach, too?" "Yes. When I was talking with Richard, we agreed that things would simpler, at least for the emergency custody agreement, if you were both granted custody. That's especially true since Noah is using your address as his temporary domicile. Now, there will be a hearing in the near future to determine official custody, and it's quite possible that they'll take away your custodial rights even if they extend them permanently to Noah. "If you don't want to have custody rights, I can amend the papers tomorrow. The arrangement I have with me is already set, but we can discuss that then." "But you do know that both Noah and I are gay, right? I mean we don't exactly live in Massachusetts." Dr. Saunders chuckled before saying, "I'm aware, but there's nothing in the law that says same-sex couples can't share full custodial rights. As far as emergency custody goes, I'm the one with the authority to determine who gets it, so what I say goes. "Now, let me get that notice, and try to get some sleep before I come into the office tomorrow." She looked down at her watch. "Oh my, already after three. Please don't come in before noon. I'm sure I'll be there before then, but I know y'all need to rest as well. And from what I understand, you still have another visit to make before you can rest."

With that, she walked off towards her car. We stood there silently while we waited. Noah was beside himself with glee, while I was still in shock from the news. Dr. Saunders returned quickly, and handed Noah the papers. She reached a hand out, but he just pulled her into a hug. "Thank you so, so, so much. You don't know how happy you made me," he said, breaking the hug, and wiping a tear from his eyes. She turned to me, and, with a little twinkle in her eye, she said, "Congratulations, you're now a father." I grinned at that, still slightly worried that Noah might not be happy with sharing custody with me. I shook her hand. With that, she walked out of the crime scene, and drove off. This time, it was my turn to be startled when Noah wrapped his arm around me. "What's wrong? I thought that this is what you wanted?" "It almost is. I think. I don't know. I was expecting that they would grant you custody, and you were just using my address since you don't even have a bedroom. I just feel like I overstepped my boundary as 'boyfriend' by accepting custody of Zach." Noah just laughed. "Is that all? For the record, you're not the only one who can scheme. This was my idea. I brought it up to Richard when we were on the phone at the trailer. He asked me like three times if I was sure, because he knew we hadn't been dating long. Like you said at dinner, I'm in this for the long-haul. To top it all off, you're a natural with Zach. It just seemed like a no-brainer." "But you mentioned finding a new apartment. Wouldn't that be made more difficult if we both have custody?" "Maybe, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Besides, this is just the emergency custody. Consider it a trial-run at fatherhood." "What if I'm not sure I'm ready for this step? I don't want to hurt you." "Scott, look." He looked me straight in the eyes. "Today you were a father. Maybe not in name, but you were in action, and that means much more than the title. If you're not sure you want the responsibility, I'll understand. It'll hurt, but I'll understand. Just think about it, and realize that in no way do I think you're stepping on my toes by also having custody." Suddenly, we were interrupted by Zach, who ran over to me first, and began tugging at my pants. "Scott! Scott! The ladies want to take me for a ride in the am-boo-lance now. Can I go with them?" Just as he finished, a paramedic trotted over. "Sorry, he moves fast. We've just been informed that they're opening up the scene. We still need to get Zach to the ER just to check him out a little better. Are you ready to go?" "See? He came to you first, and asked for something. And you think you're not ready?" Noah asked, teasingly. Zach and the paramedic just looked at him confused. I laughed. "Ok, ok. I get the point. I agree, at least for now." Zach then looked to me for clarification. "Don't worry about it, buddy. You have a ride waiting." To Noah, I added, "Why don't you ride with him? I'll follow in the car and meet you there." Noah, Zach, and the paramedics got in the ambulance, while I returned to the car. Since it wasn't an emergency, I was surprised that the ambulance's lights stayed on enroute to the hospital, but they did obey all the traffic lights, which caused confusion for the few cars on the road at the early hour.

We pulled into the hospital, and I found a parking spot, while the ambulance carrying Noah and my new 'son' went to the emergency bay. I quickly went inside, and thanks to my new custody, I was taken to the room where they were about to check out Zach. "Scott! They left the lights on for me! It was so cool! Did you see?" the boy said excitedly as soon as I walked in. "Yes, I did," I said, trying, but failing, to match his level of excitement. "They wouldn't turn on the noises though. They said it was too early. Sometime can I ride in one again when it's making noise?" Noah fielded that one. "I don't think you want that, buddy. They only turn the sirens on when someone is really badly hurt. Is that what you want?" Zach looked conflicted as he tapped his finger against his chin. "No. I guess not. But it'd be fun if I wasn't hurt." "Yeah, it would," I told him. "Now that we're all ok, I need to make a phone call. I'm going to go outside, but your daddy will stay right here with you, ok?" I ruffled the boy's hair and gave Noah a quick hug before stepping out of the room to call Richard. He answered the phone on the first ring. "About damn time. It's after four. How is he?" "Zach's fine. We're at the hospital right now, but they're just checking him out. Apparently Willow set fire to the trailer when cops showed up, and they're a little worried that he may have breathed in some smoke. They also want to check him out for any signs of abuse, but otherwise, he's a perfectly happy four-year old. He was actually disappointed that the paramedics wouldn't turn on the siren." "Well, that's great news on two fronts. It sounds like Willow's going away, and Zach's ok. What did Rebecca do?" "Who? Oh, Dr. Saunders. Sorry, my brains slowing down. I think the adrenaline is wearing off. She gave both of us emergency custody. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that." "I told Noah that I wasn't sure how you'd take that, but he insisted. Is it something that you really don't want?" "No, I really do want it. I'm just worried about overstepping boundaries in our relationship and in his relationship with Zach." "Don't be. Like I said, Noah insisted. It's possible that it might cause minor tensions here and there, but it's also only temporary. "Now that I know everything is ok for the night, I'm going to hang up and get some sleep. Tomorrow, I'm going to need to get up to speed on custody law and maybe see if I can find a way to speed up the official custody hearing. I have a few favors I can call in if need be, and will try to make it happen as fast as possible. That will be just one less thing you have to worry about." "Ok. That works for me, and I don't see why Noah would have a problem with it. I'll let him know. Get some rest, and thank you so much for everything." We hung up, and I went back inside Zach's room. He had his shirt off and the doctor was examining some faded bruises on his back. "How did you get these?" he asked the boy. "Because I was too slow. I was trying to hide, but Mommy found me. I was bad." "How were you bad?" he pressed, after making a notation on the chart.

"I left my fire truck on the floor and Mommy tripped on it. I didn't mean to forget it. Honest!" Zach said, beginning to cry. Noah quickly held his son. "It's ok buddy. While you should always put your toys away, that doesn't mean that Mommy was right to hit you. I promise that as long as you're with me, you may get punished for breaking rules, but I'll never, ever, hit you. Hitting is much worse than what you did." "So is Mommy going to be punished?" Zach asked. "Mommy did a lot of bad things today, and she's going to be punished for those, but I'm not sure about this one. That's up to the doctor, and the police. Ok?" "Ok," he said with a sniffle. The doctor quickly finished up his evaluation before pulling Noah out of the room to talk. "Scott, I forgot to show you what the am-boo-lance ladies gave me." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his toy soldier and finger puppet. "I thought I losted them, but they told one of the men with hoses to find them for me." "Awesome, Zachy. I still have the soldier you gave me back at the hotel, and I know your daddy does too. Maybe you can play with them all in the morning." Zach let out a yawn. "Ok. I'm sleepy now. Can you hold me?" "Sure thing, buddy." I picked him up, and set him in my lap. I'm pretty sure that the boy was asleep before he'd even touched my lap. I could only imagine how tired he was. Actually, I was beginning to get really tired myself. Noah and the doctor walked back in, and I immediately signaled for them to be quiet due to the sleeping tyke in my arms. "Doc, does that answer your question? We're going to take Zach with us back to the hotel. I know you want to be able to observe him a little longer, but he's been through so much today, and you didn't find anything wrong," Noah quietly told the doctor. "I understand. Technically you're leaving against my advice, but you just have sign a waiver and you're free to go." Noah filled out the requisite form, then we gathered up our stuff went back to the car. I was still carrying Zach while he slept. We put Zach in the other bed in Noah's room and quickly said goodnight. I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

18. Chapter 18 - Homecoming

I awoke when the curtains to my room were thrown open by a fully-dressed Noah. "What the hell?" I demanded. "Well good morning to you, too, Sunshine!" Noah responded. His voice was annoyingly chipper, but I couldn't quite tell if it was sarcastically so, or if he was just that much of a morning person. I am not. "Sorry to wake you like this, but shoving you wasn't working. It's nearly eleven, and we need to get up and figure out a game plan." With a groan, I sat up. "Are you always this damn chipper? Last night was Hell. All I want is a little more sleep, but I guess you're right," I said reluctantly "Time to get up." Noah just laughed in response. "Not really, no. Once I get some coffee in me, I'm usually good to go. Today's different, though. And you're wrong about last night. While it was

good to go. Today's different, though. And you're wrong about last night. While it was terrifying at first, it ended up being the best night of my life. Scott, I now have custody. I have my son. All the evil in the world could have descended on us last night, and it wouldn't change the fact that today my son is coming to live with me!" "Ok, ok. I get it. Sorry. I'm just not quite awake yet. We really do have a lot we need to do. We have to go by Child Services, we have to go by the trailer, we have to" I was abruptly cut off as Noah sat on my lap and gave me a firm, but loving kiss. "Good morning, Scott," he said, gazing into my eyes. Like always, his hypnotic stare drew me into his sparkling hazel orbs. "Now listen to me," Noah continued. "We're just going to take things one step at a time today. There's a lot to go through, and I'm sure there will be some things we didn't think about that will come up suddenly. Together, you and I can get though today. Now are you ready to have a four-year-old in your house?" "Well, I don't really have too much of a say in the matter, now do I?" I said, jokingly, poking him in the ribs. "Honestly, my biggest concern is that I don't know how much needs to be done to child-proof the home. I mean you get a baby, you have several months to prepare before they can even begin to crawl and around and start getting into shit. Zach's past crawling. Hell, he doesn't even really walk anywhere, usually approaching everything at a sprint. At least I miss out on potty training. He seems to have that one down pretty well," I added with a laugh. "You say that, but you only saw him for one day. He's mostly got it down, but there are still accidents. Again, we'll just take everything one day at a time, and deal with whatever comes up. Besides, I'm sure Sarah and Tom will be more than willing to help us childproof the house when we get there." I looked at him, a smile slowly spreading across my face. "What?" "You just said 'the house'." "And you're point is?" Noah's confusion was growing. "Before, you've referred to it as 'my' house, even yesterday when we were talking about you living with me, at least temporarily. It wasn't a big deal or anything; it just felt special to me." I wrapped my arms around him, and pulled him down. I held his head against my chest for a few minutes, just taking in the wonderful emotions permeating the air. Suddenly, we heard a quiet voice come from Noah's room. "Daddy?" You could hear the fear in Zach's voice. Without waiting for a response, he yelled his question again, and began screaming. Noah jumped out of my arms, but his attempt to sprint into the adjoining room was stifled when he banged his knee into the dresser. Instead, he hobbled as quickly as he could. I was right behind him. Zach was lying on his stomach, screaming 'Daddy' as loud as he could between sharp gasps for air. He didn't even seem to realize we were in there until Noah picked his terrified son up.

terrified son up. The boy's eyes went wide and the screaming stopped, but the sobbing continued for a bit, as he struggled to calm down. Noah just bounced him gently in his lap, repeating soothing words and sounds. After a few minutes, Zach looked up at Noah. His eyes were still brimmed with tears, and his lip continued to quiver as he asked, "Daddy? Where were you? I thought you lefted me." "No, Zachy. I'll never leave you again. There may be times were I can't be with you at that moment, but I'll always come back to you. I was in the other room talking with Scott. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I never meant to scare you, ok?" Zach just nodded in response, before looking at me. "Will you leave me?" I smiled at the simplicity of the world as it appears to a child. I sat down on the bed next to Noah, and stroked Zach's back. "I don't have any plans to go anywhere, little buddy." That caused Zach to pout a little bit. "I'm not little! I'm four." "Yeah, but you're a lot shorter than me, so you're still little from the way I see it. Can I call you 'little buddy'?" I'd already learned with Zach that giving him a distraction from what was upsetting quickly caused him to return to his usual self. Maybe I might be cut out to be a father, after all. He thought for a moment, tapping his finger against his chin as he did so, of course. "I guess, but only because you're bigger than me. When I'm all growed up, I get to call YOU 'little buddy' if I'm bigger than you." "You got yourself a deal!" I said excitedly, and ruffled his hair. While he was still giggling from that, I gave him a quick kiss on the forehead. "Now, we have a VEEERY big day today. Both you and your daddy are going to be moving in with me, at least for a while. But first we have to take care of a few things here in town first. Ok, Zach?" "Ok, Scott!" he replied, almost as if I was a drill sergeant giving orders. "How about I give Zach a quick bath, while you shower? Then we'll grab lunch and go over to Child Services. Sound like a plan?" "That works for me. I'll be back in a few." Not wanting to waste any time, I hurried out of the room without hesitation. When I returned, fully-dressed, a few minutes later, I found them in the bathroom. Zach sat naked in an empty tub and giggled as his father poured cups of warm water on him. "I've never seen a bath like this," I said with a grin plastered on my face. "Yeah, well Zach, here, is afraid of baths, and I didn't want to deal with an upset kid at the moment, so we had to improvise a little. But he does seem to like this. There," he said, pouring one last cup of water over the boy's head, "that's good enough for now. We'll have to figure out how to do this better in the future, ok, bud?"

to figure out how to do this better in the future, ok, bud?" "Yeah!" Zach replied as his father grabbed a towel and proceeded to dry him off. "Of course we only have the one set of clothes for now, but it'll have to do. Now let's get some food!" I held Zach's hand as we walked out of the motel, and strapped him into his seat before climbing in beside Noah. We went to a nearby fast food restaurant, where Zach glumly ate his kid's meal, eyeing the pocket that Noah had put the toy in the entire time. He quickly came around once he finished and was allowed to play with his new toy. After eating fairly quickly, we headed over to see Dr. Saunders. If I hadn't known how late of a night she had, I never would have guessed from her appearance. She led us through a bunch of paperwork, which we filled out, while Zach happily sat on the floor filling out his own 'paperwork' with crayons she kept in a drawer. "Scott, I know you were overwhelmed yesterday when I granted you custody. Do you want to have the paperwork amended? This is the chance to do so." "No," I said with any hesitation or second-thought. "I just hadn't thought it was even possible. You really caught me off guard, and I was overwhelmed. But now that things have settled down a little, I definitely like the idea." "Good. I can tell how much he looks up to you already. Now, once we're done here, you're going to have to go to the police station. I'm sure they're going to want official statements." We soon managed to finish up and were out of Dr. Saunders's office by two. Zach proudly showed her the drawing he'd made of Noah, Zach, and I standing with Chuck E. Cheese. He explained to Dr. Saunders how we were friends with the mouse, and with the world'sworst whisper informed her that I was scared, but he made sure that I was ok, but "don't tell Daddy, because he's not supposed to know." Noah had to clamp his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing, while Dr. Saunders struggled to keep a straight face herself. I just shook my head, knowing that this was something that I wasn't going to live down for a long time. We bade farewell to the woman we'd only known for twelve hours, but had radically changed all of our lives in that time, and headed off to the police station. Once we'd identified ourselves, they led me to Detective Martin's desk to take my statement, while Noah and Zach were herded to another room. I watched them go, and was surprised by an immediate sense of unease while watching them leave and not knowing exactly what was happening. Detective Martin seemed to catch on. "Don't worry. We have a room with toys and all that. We don't actually need a statement from Noah, just from Zach, and we've found kids are more responsive when they are in a place they feel a little more comfortable. Although to be fair, this is mostly just a formality. That woman was causing a scene all night. There is no question, based on the evidence we've already collected, as to what happened. I just need you to give me the details of your phone call with Zach." I gave him the little bit I could, but since the conversation lasted all of three words from the boy, there really wasn't much to contribute. He didn't seem that bothered by it. "This should've been taken last night, and wouldn't have taken any longer than it just did, but in the chaos, it just slipped through the cracks," He explained.

but in the chaos, it just slipped through the cracks," He explained. "Should I be concerned about the stuff she was yelling from the car? You know, the stuff about us being responsible for everything?" "Personally, I wouldn't be. After consulting with the doctor who saw Zach, we are officially adding 'child abuse' to the charges against her. Of course, I'm just a cop. It's always possible that it could come up again in court. But there were plenty of witnesses, including two officers, who saw her light her own home on fire and attack a cop. There were also plenty of witnesses who watched you arrive after everything had happened." "One last question, and then I'd like to gather up Noah and Zach, if possible." "I'm sure it won't be an issue. With Zach, it's more going over his statement a second time, just to make sure that it's consistent with what he told us last night. What's the question?" "I was wondering if we could go to the trailer. Maybe see if some of Zach's stuff is salvageable. We're taking him back to Atlanta once we're done here, and we don't even have a change of clothes for him yet." "That shouldn't be an issue. I doubt you'll be able to find much, though. Between the smoke and the water, my guess is that most of the stuff inside is ruined. Who knows, though? You just might luck out." Detective Martin led me to the room where Zach and Noah were waiting. Like he had suggested, the officer inside wasn't really asking questions. Instead, she and Noah were sitting on the floor, playing with Zach. "Maria, are we interrupting?" "Not at all, Jason. I was helping Zach build a skyscraper using these blocks." "Scott, this is my partner, Detective Rodriguez. She was busy trying to untangle the statements from the onlookers when you arrived last night. Er, this morning?" He yawned. "Sorry, I'm running on fumes at this point. I guess it's time for another coffee. "Say, Maria, would you be willing to go out to the scene with these three? If you don't want to, I can always send someone else." "I don't have a problem with it." "Thanks," I told her. Noah gave me a confused look. "I wanted to see if anything was salvageable. Clothes especially, but any toys would be good, too. I'm sure he'd want some of HIS stuff when we get to the house," I explained to him. "Good idea. But can Zach and I stay here? I'm worried that going back there will upset him. I trust you to take whatever you think we can salvage, but I know we're going to have to replace most of the stuff." "That's an even better idea. I'll just take what I can, come back here, and then we can head home." Suddenly I had a thought and turned to the officers. "Wait, is that ok if they

head home." Suddenly I had a thought and turned to the officers. "Wait, is that ok if they stay here?" I realized that we were making plans to utilize a room of the police station without even asking. Both Detectives Martin and Rodriguez laughed at that. "That's not a problem," Detective Martin answered. I rode with Detective Rodriguez in her squad car, clutching several trash bags that I hoped to fill. The trip out was mostly a bust. Zach's room reeked of smoke, and I could tell that mildew had already begun to set into his clothes. I dug through them anyway, hoping to find something. Unfortunately, even if I had been able to find clothes I thought we could clean, most of them seemed like they were too small for Zach to wear anyway. I did manage to salvage a handful of toys, including, somewhat ironically, his fire truck from the day before. It was very sooty, but I hoped I'd be able to clean it up. Shoved between the wall and his bed, I also found a stuffed bunny that seemed to have escaped the water damage. It still reeked of smoke, but I hoped that I'd be able to wash it enough to get rid of the smell. We returned to the station with a half-dozen toys. All that remained of the first four years of Zach's life. I gathered up Noah, who held Zach, asleep, in his arms and shook both detectives' hands, thanking them profusely, before we got in the car to return home. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, I called Sarah. I needed to get a bedroom opened up in the house. "Hello?" "Hi, Sarah, it's me." "I'm surprised to hear from you. Aren't you spending the weekend with Noah's kid?" "Actually, that's why I'm calling. It's a long story, and I'll just explain it when we get home. The short version is that Noah and I are on our way home right now. Oh, and Zach's coming with us." "Oh my God! Is everything ok? What happened?!" She cried out. I could hear noise in the background as she tried to relay information to Tom. "Sarah, just put the phone on speaker so I can talk to both of you." I waited until Tom announced that he was there to. "Basically, shicrap hit the fan this weekend, and we were granted emergency custody of Zach." "Wait. You said 'we'," Tom stated. "What do you mean 'we'?" "Since Noah lives in an efficiency, they were going to set it up so that my place was his temporary address, and the two of them would stay with us until we figured everything out. That's still the plan, but Noah insisted that I have custody as well." "OH MY GOD, SCOTT!!! THAT'S GREAT!!" I had to pull the phone away from my ear to prevent hearing loss as Sarah screeched on her end. Even Zach, now awake, winced at the volume from the back seat. Tom, always a voice of reason, asked, "Is this maybe a little too soon?"

Tom, always a voice of reason, asked, "Is this maybe a little too soon?" "Honestly, probably, but technically the arrangement is only temporary, and the little guy has really taken to me already. Me too, as a matter of fact." "That's right," a little voice behind me perked up. "But only because you're taller than me." "Well, of course!" I told him, and then realized that Tom and Sarah probably couldn't even hear Zach. Hopefully they didn't think I'd completely lost my marbles and was now talking to myself. I returned to the reason I called. "Anyway, I'm calling because we need to open up a bedroom for Zach to stay in, even if it's just for tonight. Tom, would it be too much if I were to ask you to move your stuff into Sarah's room? That way, at least Zach can have his own bedroom." "Oh? And where will Noah sleep?" Sarah asked suggestively. "I guess the couch for now. We'll figure out the rest of the details later. We still need to get home, and then try to hit the mall before it closes. Zach needs clothes." "What about Steve's office?" Tom asked. "You always just worked from the couch and never used it. If you want Sarah and I can go through it and clean it out. That way everyone can have a bedroom." "No!" I said, a little more emphatically than intended. "Sorry, what I mean is that I thought about doing that, and it's not a bad idea. But I just feel like it's something I need to do. Hell, I haven't been able to bring myself to go in there since Steve died." I paused for second, thinking over what I had just said before adding, "Actually, you can help if you want. I'm sure there's stuff in there that you or your parents might want. At least wait until tomorrow to deal with that." "That works for me. We'll have the bedroom ready for Zach by the time you guys get home," Tom responded. "Alright, we'll see you then." After I hung up, I turned to Noah. "You know, Tom made a good point that hadn't sunk in yet for me. Isn't granting custody to me a little too soon in our relationship? I mean, I know people who have been together for years but don't have legal custody of their step-children." In response, Noah first sighed. "If this was an ordinary relationship, I'd say yes. However, since my current living situation isn't amenable to having custody, Richard mentioned in passing that it would be simpler overall if you had joint custody, at least while we were staying at your house. As he said that, it just felt like the right thing to do. Whenever I find my own place, we will have to figure out where to go from there. "It was a bit impulsive, but the way you two have taken to each other, it seemed like the natural choice. Again, it's only temporary. Your legal standing may be terminated at the hearing, or we may decide it's simpler to have it revoked whenever I find a place. After all the hell that my boy has gone through, I just think the more he knows that you and I are there to support him, the better he'll be." We rode in relative silence for a while after that, until I heard a quiet sniffle in the back seat. I looked back, and Zach was fighting back tears. Noah noticed as well.

seat. I looked back, and Zach was fighting back tears. Noah noticed as well. "What's wrong Zachy?" Noah asked his son. "I miss my house," he responded dejectedly. "I know you do, buddy, but we're moving to Scott's house, where you are going to stay with me and Scott. You're also going to be living with two other great people, Tom and Sarah. Does that sound ok to you?" Zach just nodded slightly. "But what if I don't like it there? I like my house." "If you don't like it, talk to me or your daddy," I told him. "We'll see what we can do to fix it to make it better for you. Ok?" Again, he just nodded before quietly saying, "But I'm scared." Noah sighed. "I know you are. This is a big change for all of us. Can you be the big, brave four-year old we all know you are?" He tapped his chin for a moment before shaking his head. "Uh-uh." With that he started sucking on his fingers on his left hand while wiping his eyes with his right. He wasn't quite crying, but he was definitely still sniffling. "Noah, pull over," I told him. "Why?" "Just do it. I'm going to ride in the back with Zach. His whole world's turned upside down, and he's leaving the only home he ever knew. We both know he'll be fine, but it's just something he doesn't know how to deal with," I said, before quickly adding, "If you'd prefer, I'll drive if you want to sit with him. I'm not trying to step on your toes or anything." "No, no. It was your idea, so you can do it. At least legally, you're already as much his father as I am. When I come up with the next brilliant plan to make him feel better, I get to be the one to put it in action, though, deal?" He said, while slowing down and pulling onto the shoulder of the highway. "Deal," I said with a laugh as I climbed out of the car. I quickly got in the back, and wrapped an arm around Zach, who just buried his face into my bicep. It was uncomfortable, but I managed to stay that way until we got home. It didn't seem to bother Zach at all. He fell asleep after a few minutes, and didn't wake up until we arrived. * * * Sarah must have been staring out the windows waiting for us to get home. She was out on the porch, dragging Tom behind her, before we even stopped the car. Fortunately, Zach woke up as we came to a stop, and I was able to free my arm and get a little feeling back in it. By the time I had unstrapped Zach and got him out of the car, Sarah was all over him. Fortunately, Noah and I were right beside him. "Oh aren't you just the cutest thing ever!" She squealed. "I'm your Auntie Sarah, and we're going to have SOOO much fun together." For his part, Zach just backed away from her, eyes wide with fright. He grabbed the leg of

For his part, Zach just backed away from her, eyes wide with fright. He grabbed the leg of Noah's shorts and stuck his fingers in his mouth, much the same way he had done when he had met Dr. Saunders. Sarah looked a little put off by his reaction. I wasn't surprised by it, but Noah stepped in before I could say anything. "Sarah, please calm down. His whole world has been turned upside down. Right now, he needs love and support, not an 'Auntie Sarah'. Just be 'Sarah'. The rest will come naturally. Then to Zach, he added, "Remember how I told you that there were two very nice people that would be living with us?" Zach just nodded at his father, but it was clear he was still overwhelmed and a little frightened. "Well, this nice lady is Sarah. The man next to her is Tom. Can you say 'hi' to them for me?" For his part, Zach removed his fingers from his mouth and quietly said, "Hi." He didn't loosen the death grip he held on Noah's shorts, but his concern seemed to fade a little. "It doesn't help that he literally just woke up from a nap," I added to Sarah. "Just give him a little time to adjust to things. Everything I've seen of him shows just how strong he is for such a little guy, but I think he might be near his breaking point at the moment." "C'mon, Zach, let's go check out your new home!" I added brightly, scooping up the boy, who quickly released Noah's pants and giggled happily. Sarah tried to apologize to Noah for how over-the-top she acted, but he just shrugged it off. "Just help me carry our stuff inside. I know this should be an exciting time, but I'll bring you up to speed while Scott shows Zach around. Tom, you're recruited to help too." I saw Tom give a mock-salute as I carried the squirming tyke up the stairs to the porch. I set Zach down, and told him to explore, but warned him to be careful. He nodded, still a little apprehensive. "Look, I'm going to be right beside you, ok? This is your home now, too, so I want you to look all around, and find all the best spots to play 'hide'. That way, if you ever need to, you'll already know where to go. How does that sound?" Zach looked in my eyes and his eyes showed no signs of fear for the first time since we had arrived. "It's my home now?" "Of course it is!" "But you're not mean like Mommy, so I won't have to play hide, right?" Again, his concerns were showing, but he seemed to be sizing-up the situation from a perspective he was comfortable with. "I can't promise that I'll never get upset at you, but I can promise I'll never be mean like her," I responded as truthfully as I could.

"Ok." "Great!" I said enthusiastically. "Well, this is the porch, and there's a swing we can sit on later." "I like swings! Daddy took me to a park once and I got to ride on the swings and pushed me really, really high, and I thought I'd be able to fly, but he wouldn't let me jump because I might get hurted. I also went down the slide all by myselfs!" It would never cease to amuse me the way the mind of a young child worked. One moment, he was almost too scared to speak, and the next he was rambling on about something that any adult would think hardly warranted comment. "Well, there's a few really neat parks nearby that we can go to someday. I'm sure your daddy would love to push you on the swings." "Yay!" he said with a level of enthusiasm that only a kid could muster. "Now let's go inside and see the rest of the house. Ok?" "Yeah!" Slowly I let him lead me from room to room. He was in awe of how big and clean the house was. He seemed very curious about all the kitchen cabinets, and I made a mental note that we should consider putting locks on the cabinets, especially ones that had chemicals in them. We were back in my bedroom when I heard Sarah exclaim, "Oh my God! That poor boy!" and I knew immediately that Noah was well into the story. Unfortunately for Zach, I had no idea if he had just described Willow, the conditions he was living in, or the actual events of the night before. Finally we came to the one room I hadn't been in for over a year. Steve's office. "What's in here, Scott?" I steeled my resolve, and simply said, "Let's find out," and opened the door. The room was completely Steve. I have no better way to describe it than that. It was neat and orderly with everything in exactly the right place, while still managing to look completely overwhelming with brimming bookcases, stacks of meticulously organized papers, and trinkets and mementos covering nearly all available surfaces. Steve was utilitarian in that everything in the room had a specific purpose, but he lacked the ability to utilize his organization scheme simply due to the sheer volume of stuff. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like something you'd see in a reality show, or anything, but I never understood why he needed four containers for writing utensils (black, blue, and red pens, as well as pencils) with at least a dozen in each container, especially when he only ever used the computer to write anything anyway. For a moment, I felt like I could feel him again, but then I realized I was wrong. Sure, some of the things in the room had sentimental value to me, but most of it was just stuff. I realized that, by not even stepping foot in 'his' room, I'd done myself a great disservice. Maybe if I'd been strong enough to face it earlier I could have started coping with the death of Steve much earlier. It still hurt a lot to think about going through everything, but I realized that it would be cathartic if nothing else.

would be cathartic if nothing else. I was pulled from my reverie by Zach tugging at my shorts. Apparently he'd been trying to get my attention, but I'd been lost in my own thoughts. "Scott, what's this?" he asked when he finally got my attention. I crouched down to his level, and he handed me a picture frame containing a photo of Steve and I on our honeymoon. We had been sightseeing in the Virgin Islands when a local approached us and asked if we wanted a free picture with a burro. I wasn't particularly interested, but Steve was. It turned out I was right to be wary. It was a scam, and I had to pay $15 to get my camera back. Then he tried to sell us weed. As much as I tried to fight them, tears began to fill my eyes. "Don't cry, Scott!" Zach said loudly, which caught the attention of the others, who rushed to the study. "I'm just confused. Are you boyfriends with Daddy, or Tom?" The threatening tears began to dry as I saw Tom cover his mouth to keep from laughing. "That's not Tom in the picture. He had a brother who looked exactly like him. The two of us were boyfriends for many years." "Oh. Where is he?" I thought for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to put it. I decided that direct honesty was probably the best policy in this case, especially if he was ever worried that Steve might show back up again at some point. "He died. Do you know what that means?" Zach just shook his head. "He got hurt very badly. He was hurt so badly that the doctor's couldn't make him better." "Oh." I figured that was all the reaction I was going to get from Zach, so I took the moment to wipe the single tear that had managed to escape my eye. Suddenly, I was engulfed as the young boy launched himself in my arms. I wrapped my arms around Zach, embracing the little guy firmly. "I'm sorry, Scott. I remember when Gramma went bye-bye. Mommy cried for a week." He kissed my cheek and buried his face in my neck. "I love you, Scott." Fresh tears filled my eyes, and a quick glance to Noah confirmed that he was just as moved as I.