The Happiness Bible

By Tiffany.K

Copyright 2012 PursuingHappyness.com All rights reserved. Published by Tiffany.K No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopied, recorded, scanned, or otherwise, except as permitted under Canadian copyright law, without the prior written permission of the author. Notes to the Reader: While the author and publisher of this book have made reasonable efforts to ensure the accuracy and timeliness of the information contained herein, the author and publisher assume no liability with respect to losses or damages caused, or alleged to be caused, by any reliance on any information contained herein and disclaim any and all warranties, expressed or implied, as to the accuracy or reliability of said information. The publisher and the author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation. It is the complete responsibility of the reader to ensure they are adhering to all local, regional and national laws. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is engaged in rendering professional services. If legal, accounting, medical, psychological, or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. The words contained in this text which are believed to be trademarked, service marked, or to otherwise hold proprietary rights have been designated as such by the use of initial capitalization. Inclusion, exclusion, or definition of a word or term is not intended to affect, or to express judgment upon the validity of legal status of any proprietary right which may be claimed for a specific word or term. The fact that an organization or website is referred to in this work as a citation and/or potential source of further information does not mean that the author or publisher endorses the information the organization or website may provide or the recommendations it may make. Further, readers should be aware that the websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared, between the time this work was written and when it is read. Individual results may vary.

TableofContents

Chapter 1: Happiness - What Is It? ..................................................................5 Chapter 2: Our Brains and Happiness ..............................................................9 Chapter 3: What Makes Us Happy.................................................................12 Chapter 4: Finding Peace From Within - How To Create Happiness .............16 Chapter 5: Happiness, Sex, and Money .........................................................22 Chapter 6: How To Have A Happy Relationship ...........................................24 Chapter 7: How To Be Happy and Single ......................................................29 Chapter 8: Learning How To Say "NO".........................................................32 Chapter 9: So How Do We Become Happy ...................................................35 Chapter 10: Conclusion - Are You Really Happy? ........................................40

Introduction
Firstly,Iwouldliketocongratulateyouongrabbingacopyofthehappinessbiblefor yourself.Ibelieveitwouldmakeabigchangeinyourlife. Wereallunderconstantstressinourdailylives.Andsometimeswejustgetbyforgetting therealreasonwhyweareonthisplanet. Nothingmattersmorethanbeinghappy.AndIwouldurgeyoutogothroughthisguide. ImplementthetechniquesthatIshareandachieveramuchfullerandhappierlifefor yourself. Enjoythejourney. StayHappyAlways,

Chapter1:HappinessWhatIsIt?
Thereisanoldsayingthatgoeslikethis:Oneman'sheavenisanotherman'shell. Inplaintermsthismeansweallviewwhatisheaventousorwhatishelltowhatis relativetoourlives.Wecantakethissameideaandapplyittothemeaningofhappiness. Howweviewhappinessispersonalbasedonourlives,valuesandlifestyles. Happinesstomemaybeunhappinesstoyou.Forexamplemanyofmyfriendssaytome YouhavetogooutandIsayWhy?TheyfeelIneedtopartyandgoouttoenjoymylife. That'stheirdefinitionofhappiness.IliketobehomeanddowhatIwantwithnopressure. Thisishappinesstome.EveryoneisdifferentiswhatIamillustrating. Togettothepoint,Idon'tneedtoconstantlybeentertainedoutsideofmyhousetobe happywhiletheydo.Thus,wedonothavethesamedefinitionofhappinessasitappliesto ourlives. Theonlyexceptiontothedefinitionofhappinesswhereoneshouldinterfereinwhat happinessistoperson;iswhenanotherperson'sdefinitionofhappinessaffectsothers(or eventhemselves)inanegativewayorhurtfulway.Ifsomeoneenjoyshurtinganotherat theexpenseofanotherasaformofhappinessthentheyhaveaseriousproblemandthey needtoseekprofessionalhelp.Inthiscasetheirhappinessisdistortedbecauseitinvolves harmingthemselvesorotherstogainasenseofhappiness. One'shappinessshouldnotbebasedonphysicaloremotionalpainofanother,andthisis evenmoreseriousiftheotherpersonisnotaconsentingadult.Thatcrossesthe boundaries.Ifapersonishappyattheexpenseofanother'ssufferingtherenojustification thispersonissickmentally.Thisisespeciallytrueiftheotherpersondoesnotwishtobe hurt.Inthiscasetheyareinflictingtheirhappinessonotherswhowantnopartofit.This isamentalproblemthatneedsaddressingimmediately. Bydefinitionhappinessisdefinedasastateofmindorafeelingthatischaracterizedby contentment,love,satisfaction,joyorpleasure.Thewordasbydefinitionhappinessis approachedinphilosophyandreligionasastateofbeing.Thisisespeciallytrueifone embracesaparticularideologybasedonthepremiseofHappinessasthephilosophyof thatparticularreligion. Therearetwobasicschoolsofthoughtinrelationtotheideaofhappiness.Oneisthatwe getourhappinessfromexternalthingslikelivingaprosperouslife.Theotherschoolsays inordertobehappyithastostartfrominsideourbeingsfirst.Somephilosophersand religiousthinkerstendtodefinetheideaofhappinessasastateofbeingasaresultof livingagoodlifewhichisofcourserelativeformulatedbywhattheirperceptionsofa goodlifeis.Theyapproachhappinessasastateofbeinginwhichoneisflourishingas

opposedtoanemotionfromwithinusthatweradiatetotheworld.Therearehowever otherphilosophersandreligiousthinkersthatdohypothesizethathappinesscomesfrom aninternalstateofbeingfirstandthenhappinesscantrickleintothephysicalworld. Psychologyattemptstodefinehappinessaccordingtoone'smentalstateofmindandthe positivityoneexecutesinone'slife.Scienceontheotherhand,attemptstodefine happinessaswithwhathappenswhenweareinastateofhappinessphysicallyand biologicallytous. Whileitishardtoconcretelymeasurehappinessbecauseitisalsoculturallyandsocially defined,therearegeneralconsensusacrosstheboardwhichareincludedindefiningwhat happinessis. Regardlessoftheperson,placeorculture;theuniversalideaofhappinessisbasedon positiveemotionsandactivitiesthatpermeateintoaperson'slifebasedonthatculture's definitionofhappiness.Therearethreekindsofhappinessthatuniversallyallpeopleseem toagreeon:pleasure,engagementandmeaninginone'slife. Therearealsocertaingeneralattributesthatareassociatedwithbeinghappy.Theseare: 1. Relationships 2. Love 3. Socialinteractions 4. Extraversion,marital 5. Status,employment, 6. Stateofhealth, 7. Freedomasinademocraticsense 8. Optimism 9. Religiousevolvement 10. Income 11. Proximitytootherhappypeople. TheorderofthesegeneralattributesarenotnecessarilyashowIwrotethem.Theyare ultimatelybasedonaperson'svaluesysteminrelationshiptowhattheyperceiveas happiness.ForinstanceImaythinkloveisthemostimportantaspectofhappinesswhile othersmaythinkitseconomicsecurity.Theorderofthingsthatmakeushappyvary dependingontheperson'slife. Manytimeshappinessisdefinedbyethicsofaparticulargrouporbeliefsystem.Ethicists mayargueastohowtheybelievehumansshouldbehaveasthefoundationofwhatthey believeoneshoulddefineashappiness.Thereiswhatiscalledmundaneconcrete happinessandspiritualhappiness.Forexample,Buddhismispremisedontheideaof happinessasacentraltheme.InordertoachieveNirvanaorEverlastingPeaceonehas toraisetheirconsciousnessbeyondthemundanestateofhappiness.Buddhistsbelieveto behappyonehastohavelovingkindnessandcompassionforalllivingbeings.Buddha

taughtthatifoneactsandspeakswithapuremindsurelyhappinesswouldfollowlikea shadow. AlGhazali(10581111)theMuslimSufithinkerwrotetheAlchemyofHappiness,a manualofspiritualinstructionthroughouttheMuslimworldandwidelypracticedeven now.Aboutonehundredyearslater,theHinduthinkerPantanjali,authoroftheYoga Sutras,wrotequiteexhaustivelyonthepsychologicalandontologicalrootsofbliss.Blissis anextremeformofNirvanainHinduterms.IntheYorubareligionitisbelievedthatIwa PeleorgoodcharacterpromoteshappinessandhappinessbringsIreorblessings. ThephilosopherAristotlewrotein350B.C.EtheNicomacheanEthicsinwhichhestate thathappiness(asindoingwellandbeingwell)ishuman'sdesirefortheirownsake unlikeriches,friends,wealth,honororevenhealth.Healsoobservedthatpeoplesought thingslikeriches,honorandhealthnotonlyforthesakeofthosethingsbutinordertobe happy. Inpsychologicaltermstoday,somepsychologistspracticeinwhatiscalledPositive Psychology.ItisbelievedthatPositivePsychologyisatruewaytopromotehappiness withinaperson.MartinSeligmanoneofthefoundersofwhatiscalledPositive Psychology"wroteabookentitledAuthenticHappinesswhichdescribeshappinessas positiveemotionsandpositiveactivities.Hefurthercategorizesemotionsrelatedtothe past,thepresentorthefutureindefininghappiness.Positiveemotionsrelatedtothepast includesatisfaction,pridecontentmentandserenity.Positiveemotionsrelatedtothefuture includeoptimism,hopeandtrust.Presentpositiveemotionsarebrokendownintotwo categoriesnamelypleasureandgratification.Pleasuresinrelationtothebodyandhigher pleasuresarecalledpleasuresofthemomentandusuallyarearesultorinvolvea physicalstimulus.Inpositivepsychologyitisbelievedthatthemostprofoundsenseof happinesscomesfromhavingalifeofmeaning.Thismeansone'slifeispurposefuland fulfillingduetooneusingonesstrengthsandvirtuesinapurposegreaterthanone'sown immediategoals.Oneisinastateofhappinessbecausetheyarecontentwithwhotheyare insideemotionallyandcanbehappywiththeworldbecausetheyknowwhattheywant outoflifeandhowtoattainit. Physicallybiologistsandscientistsarelookingatthebrainandbiochemicalbodychanges tohelpthemunderstandhappiness.Therearebiologicallychemicalreactionsthatoccurin thebrainandbodythatallowustodifferentiatebetweenpositiveandnegative occurrences.Thesechangesarewhatgivesuseitherapositiveornegativestateofmind. Socialfactorsareamongthemostimportantthingsthatmakehumanbeingshappy.Their relationshipswithothersareakeysourceofhappinessastheirinteractionwithother people.AwidelypublishedstudyintheBritishMedicalJournalreportedthattheysawthat happinessseemstospreadfrompersontopersonwithinasocialnetworkorgroup. Researchwasdoneovera20yearperiodandfoundthatclustersofhappinessspreadup tothreedegreesofseparation.Whatthatmeansisthathappinesstendedtospread

throughcloserelationshipslikefriends,siblings,spousesandevennextdoorneighbors. Theresearchalsonotedthathappinessspreadmoreconsistentlythanunhappinessina givennetwork.Thestructureofthesocialnetworkalsohadanimpactonhappiness.For example,thoseintheinnercorelikeclosefriendsandfamilymemberswerehappierthan thoseontheperipheraledgeofthenetwork(thosewhowerenotatthecoreofclose friendsorfamily;butmaycasuallyknowsomeoneintheinnercircle.)Thisstudy concludedthathappinesscanbespreadlikeavirus.Whenonepersonishappyinaclose socialnetworkitspreadstotheothersinthatnetworkthroughinteractionwiththesource ofhappiness. Itissafetosaythatregardlessofthesocietyorcountryonemayliveineveryonewantsto behappy.Onlyyoucansayifyouarehappyorsufferingfromlife'sstruggle.Nooneperson cantellanotherpersonthattheotherishappy. Apersoncanonlyspeakforthemselvesregardinghappiness.Inrealitythereisnosuch thingasaproblemfreelife.Howeverinordertoexperiencesomesortofhappinessin spiteoftheproblemswemayhave;wehavetocometotermswiththeproblemsfirst.In thiswaywecancometosomekindoftermswithourselvesandcreateastateofbeing withinourselvestoworkthroughtheproblems. Theideaistohandlethesethingswithoutlettingthemtakeoursenseofselfaway.Howwe choosetoreacttothechallenges,tragediesandsufferingthatlifethrowsatusisbasedon ourinnerstrength.Happinessisfoundwhenwecanovercometheobstaclesandpainthat lifegivesusandremainintactandinfactstrongerbecauseofthem.Oursenseof accomplishmenttopersevereandovercomelife'sobstaclesisthegroundworkto happinesslikenedtoclimbingamountainandfinallyreachingthetop.

Chapter2:OurBrainsandHappiness
Scienceresearchhascomeupwithtwomajorfindingsinrelationshiptoourbrainsand ouremotions.Thefirstisthatunlikewhatwasthoughtpreviously;itisfoundthat emotionsdonotcomeforasinglesourcethatemitstheemotionsinthebraintothebody. Itisfoundthatdifferentemotionsstemfromdifferentsourcesinthebody. Anothernotedfindwasthatmenandwomen'sactivitypatternsinthebrainandbodyvary inrelationtotheiremotions.Thesepatternsbetweenmenandwomendonotmirroreach othertheyaredistinctbasedongender. Thesethingswerefoundwhenfastimagingwasdoneonvarioussubjectsthatallowedthe researcherstosnapimageswhendifferentemotionsoccurredinbothmenandwomen. Theseimageshaveallowedresearcherstodrawnewneurologicalmapsdepicting emotionalactivity.Previouslyitwasbelievedthatthelimbicsystem,whichisaringof structuresaroundthebrainstemwastheemotionalcenterforhumans.Thesesnap imagesshowthatwhenemotionoccursactivityoccursbothinthelimbicsystemand beyondtootherpartsofthebrainandbody. Itwasalsonotedthathappinessandsadnessarenotregisteredthesamewayinthebrain. Bothhaveindependentpatternsofactivitybasedonthosetwodifferentemotions.This wasaccordingtoareportdoneintheAmericanJournalofPsychiatryinMarch1995. Becausehappinessandsadnessoccurindifferentpartsofthebrainwehavethecapability tobehappyandsadatthesametime.Forexample,whenachildleavestogotocollegewe maybehappytheyreachedthatmilestonebutaresadtoseethemgo.Dr.MarkGeorge,a psychiatristandneurologistattheNationalInstituteofMentalHealthinBethesda,Md., conductedastudyon11subjects. Whentheyfelthappyhenotedtherewasacharacteristicpatternofdecreasedactivityin thepartofthebrain;thecerebralcortexwhichistheregionofthebrainweusefor forethoughtandplanning.Thepartsofthebrainlocatedinthetemporalparietalareaof thecortex,locatedjustoverandabitbehindtheears,andtherightprefrontallobe,just behindtheforeheadusedincomplexplanningshutdownwhenwearehappy. TheDr.alsonotedthatwhenthesamesubjectswhovolunteeredforthisresearchalso volunteeredtoreceiveinjectionsofcocaineormorphineitprovedapoint.Itshowedthat whenthedrugswhereintheirsystemsthesameneocorticalareasbecamelessactiveas well.Inthesecasesthebrainactivitywaslikethatoftransienthappinessrangingto ecstasy. Anotherchangenotedinthelimbicsystemwastheamygdala.Thisisapairofalmond

shapedstructuresinthelimbicsystem.Thispartofthelimbicsystemactivatesduring sadness,butchangeswhenwearehappy.Theleftoneseemstoshutdownalittlewhilethe rightgoesup.Dr.Georgealsofoundthatmenandwomenprocessemotionsdifferently. Whenwomenaresadtheirtheanteriorlimbicsystemisactivatedmuchmorethanmen's are.Alsowomenseemtoexperienceamoreprofoundsadnessthandomen. Theideaofrewardisanactivebrainprocessthatoccurswhensomethingpleasant stimulatesus.Thefeelingsofliking,wantingandlearningrewardsareallactivatedin differentpartsofthebrain.Whenweexperiencepleasureitiscodedbyneuralactivityin manybrainsitesincludingtheprefrontalcortex,amygdale,thalamus,nucleuscaudatus, nucleusaccumbensandtheventralpallidum.Againtheregionsthatactinthebraindiffer partiallybetweenthesexesandsexhormoneswhicharealsoinvolvedintheseprocesses. Emotionscanbecontributedbytwosources;thechemicalsthebrainproduceandthe nutritionwetakeintoourbodies.Whenwedon'tgettherightnutritionalintakeiteffects thechemicalsourbodiesproduceincludingtheonesassociatedwithbeinghappy.The brainchemicalserotoninisaneurotransmitterorhormonewhichisproducedinthe brain.Itistheneurotransmittersthatcarrymessagesbetweenthenervecells.The substancethatproducesserotonininthebrainisanaminoacidtryptophan. Itiscertainaminosinthebodythatcausesustohaveafeelingofwellbeing.Serotoninis oncesuchaminoacidthathelpsusmaintainahappyfeeling.Italsohelpsuscontrolour moodsbyhelpinguswithsleep,anxietyanddepression.Whenourbodiesdon'tproduce enoughserotoninweexperiencestatesofdepressionandanxiety. Ithasbeenfoundthatcertainfoodslikebananasandturkeyhaveaspecificproteinwhich helpsthebodyconvertthemtothechemicalserotonin.Ithasbeenfoundthatpoordiets docontributetodepressionaseatingjunkfoodbecausetheydonothelpintheproduction ofserotonin. Sciencehasnotfiguredoutwhattriggershungerorappetitebuthavenotedthatserotonin isinvolved.Itisknownthateatingcarbohydratesreleasesthechemicalserotonin.Thats whyyoufindpeopleeatingsweetsorcarbrichfoodswhentheyaredepressed. Thereasonisthebodyiscravingthosetoreleasetheserotonintogivewaytoabetter feelingormood.Manypeoplecomfortthemselveswithsugarandcarbswhentheyaresad orunderstress.Whenthebrainproducesserotoninthemoodiseased.Itisalsonotedthat eatingcomplexcarbohydratesproducestryptophaninthebrainwhichalsohasacalming effect. Ithasbeenfoundthatproteinproducesalertness.Proteinproducesdopamineand norepinephrine,whichpromotealertness.Proteinmealscontainingessentialfattyacids and/orcarbohydratesarerecommendedforincreasedalertness.Salmonandwhitefishare goodchoices.Avoidfoodshighinsaturatedfats;includingconsumptionoffriedfoods,such

ashamburgersandFrenchfries,leadstosluggishness,slowthinking,andfatigue.Fats inhibitthesynthesisofneurotransmittersbythebraininthattheycausethebloodcellsto becomestickyandtoclumptogether.Whenthishappenstheresultispoorcirculation, especiallyinrelationtothebrain. Abalanceofchemicalsinthebrainandbodyisachievedwhenthedietcontainsa combinationofcomplexcarbohydratesandprotein.Soanexampleofabalancedfoodfor thenutrientsmentionedintheprecedingparagraphswouldbeaturkeysandwichonwhole wheatbread.Thisisagoodcombinationbecausetheturkeyishighinproteinand tryptophan,andthewholewheatbreadsuppliescomplexcarbohydrates. Consumemorecarbohydratesthanproteinifyouarenervousandwishtobecomemore relaxed.Eatmoreproteinthancarbohydratesifyouaretiredandwishtobecomemore alert.Adepressedpersonwhoneedshisspiritsliftedwouldbenefitfromeatingfoodslike turkeyandsalmon,whicharehighintryptophanandprotein.Beware:Thebodywillreact morequicklytothepresenceofsugarthanitdoestothepresenceofcomplex carbohydrates.Theincreaseinenergysuppliedbythesimplecarbohydratesisquickly accompaniedbyfatigueanddepression.Thisiswherethetermsugarrushwascreated from. Serotoninmanagementincludesbothdietandpayingattentiontothelittlethingsthat makeyoufeelgood.Theideaistoconsciouslyincludebothfactorsinyourdailyroutine.We know,instinctively,thatpamperingourselvesisawaytomakeusfeelgood.Unfortunately manytimeswedonottaketimetoschedulepleasantthingsintoourdailylives.Thingslike pleasantsurroundings,favoritemusicandfood,orevenqualitytimewithlovedonesinto ourdailyagendacanmakethedifferencebetweenfeelingdepressedorfeelinggood.When wetakethetimetodotheselittlethingsithelpswithourserotoninlevels.Justgettingout ofbedandintoawarmshowerelevatesserotoninlevels,makingiteasiertogetintoa positive,constructiveframeofmind. Generallyspeaking,depressionifitismildenoughcansometimesbemanagedwithout prescribedmedications.Aerobicexercise,watchingyourcarbohydrate&alcohol consumption,gettingupearlyandmoving,evenifyoudon'tfeellikeit,forcingstructureon yourlife,usingmeditationandimagery(ifyoucanconcentrate,whichdependsonhow depressedyouare),andseekingasupportgrouporpsychotherapy,haveallprovedhelpful incombatingboutsofunhappiness. Astudythatisongoingwasconductedbyagroupofpsychologistsusingasurveyon happiness.Peoplewereaskedtoratetheirlevelsofhappinessfrom0to10.Mostpeople's levelwereat6.7.Ifsomethingtraumaticorsadhappenedlikeadivorceordeaththepoint levelwentdownbyoneortwoforatleastayearortwo.Ittookabouttwoyearsforthe leveltogobackto6.7.Likewisethingslikefallinginloveorwinningthelotterycausedthe leveltogoupapointortwoforthefollowingyeartotwoyears.Attheend,ofthetwoyears

itwentbackdowntothe6.7again.Theconclusionfromthisstudywasthataslight increasecouldbesustainedwiththelittledailypleasuresasopposedtobigliveevents.Soif youdosmallthingseverydaythatmakeyoufeelgoodorhappythenyoucansustainan overallbetterstateofbeinghappyasopposedtotheonegreateventthatmayoccurnow andagain.Itsincorporatingthelittlethingsthatyouenjoyinyourdailyroutinethatmakes thedifferencewithyourstateofhappiness.Forinstanceifyoulikeflowersbuythemonein awhile. Takingtimetosmelltheflowersimpliesawillingnesstobespontaneous.Itiseasierfor somepeopletobemorespontaneousthanothers. Makeadetailedlistoflittlethingsthatyouenjoyandincludetheminyouractivities. Actuallyscheduleatimeofdaytogoforawalk,createorlistentoyourfavoritemusic,read apoem,meditate,spendqualitytimewithfamilyandfriends,paint,exercise,orjustplay. Makeapactwithyourselftotryit,justforafewweeks,thenseeifyouroverallwellbeing isnotimproved. Whenourserotoninlevelsarelowweexperiencedepressionandsadness.Somepeople haveclinicalreasonsforserotoninlevelsbeinglowandwhenmedicallydiagnoseditis treatedwithvariousmedicationslikeantidepressants.Therearetimeswhenserotonin levelsmaybelowduetochemicalimbalancesandhormonalreasons.Thesetooaretreated withmedicationwithdoctorsupervision. Manytimesthebodycravescarbohydratesandsugarwhentheserotoninlevelsinour bodiesarelow.Thisisbecausetheyboostthelevelsinourbloodwhenweeatthem.It suggestedifyoufeelthesugarcravingstousehealthycarbohydratealternativesasaway toboostyourserotoninlevelswithoutaddingonthecalories.

Chapter3:WhatMakesUsHappy

FromdoingresearchforthefirsttwochaptersofthisbookIthinkitissafetosaythat happinessisastateofmindthatthebodyreinforces.Happinessissubjectiveeventhough therearesomegeneralidealsthateveryoneontheplanetshareastowhatisconstitutedas happiness. Thequestionthenbecomesisthereaoneshoefitsallformulaforattaininghappiness.I wouldthinkthatbecausehappinessmeansdifferentthingstodifferentpeopletheformula canbeappliedbuttheresultsmayvaryaccordingtoone'sdefinitionofwhathappinessis perceivedbythem. Itisalsoafactorthatourtemperaments,personalitiesandevensomegeneticfactors (whichgiveusapredispositiontohappinessordepression)allgointoourmakingofwhat weperceivehappinesstobe.Circumstanceswecontrolplayabout10to15percentofthe equationofmakingushappy.Those10to15percentincludeeconomics,education,looks, andthosekindofthings.Thesearethingswehavesomekindofcontroloverevenifit's notcomplete. It'squiteobviousthatpeoplewithmoneyseemtobehappierbecausetheyhavemore timetodothingsthatmakethemhappy.Theydonothavetoworryaboutmoneytopayfor thingsoractivitiestomakethemhappyortheirdailynecessitiesforsurvival.Theydon't havetoworryaboutkeepingaroofovertheirheads,feedingthemselvesorafamilyand havingwarmclothesinthewinter. Povertyisnotasourceofhappinessbyanymeans.Butontheotherhandmoneyaloneis notenoughtomakeapersonhappy.Caseinpoint,lookatalltherichpeoplewhoturnto drugsandalcoholtocreateandkeepthehappymoodgoing.Manyofthepeopleinthis categorydonothavewhattheyconsideralovingrelationship.Youcannotbuyreal friendshipsorreallovewithadollar. Thereareacrosstheboardtriggersthatmakeeveryonehappy.Thosethingsincludebeing inloveandsexanddoingactivitieslikelisteningtoyourfavoritemusic.Thingslike watchingafunnymovie,doingafunactivitymakesonehappyatthemomentbutitisn't longlasting. Basedonstudiesinordertoturnthat10to15%intoyourfavoritissuggestedthat developinggoodsocialskills,gettingmarriedorcohabituating,andpursuinggoalsthatone findspurposefulfortheirlifealladdstothe10to15percentofincreasingone's happiness. Goodsocialskillscreatesfriendshipsandbonds.Itisfoundthatmarriedcoupleswholove eachotherhave30percentmoresexthatispleasingandofqualitythansinglepeople. Livingtogetherfallsintothiscategoryiftherelationshipislovingandcommitted.When onefeelstheirlifehasmeaningtothemselvesandtheworldtheyfeelgoodabout themselvesandabouthowothersperceivethem.Onceagainenjoyingthelittlethingsin

lifealsoplaysabigpartinhappinessdaytoday.Alwaystryingtocreateandmaintain positivitygoesalongwaytohappinessasopposedtoboutsofbeingpleasantonceina while. Thefirstthingthatpositivitypsychologyaswellasthegurusofhappinessespouseisthe ideaofgratitudeaspartofthehappinessequation.Weneedtobehappyforwhatwe alreadyhave.Mostpeopleareconsumedwithbeingsadoverwhattheydonothave, insteadofgivingthanksforwhattheydohavealready.Whenwehavegratitudeasatoolit helpsaffirmthelittlespecksofgoodnessthatwedoaccumulateinourlives. Thenextthinginthehappinessequationistheimportanceofrelationships.Wearesocial creaturesbynature.Thosethataren'tmayhaveexperiencedthingsthatmakethemnotso openedorturnedofftoothers.Inthatcasetheywereemotionallyscarredinsomeway. Theneedtobondandinteractwithotherlikebeingsisacharacteristicthathuman beingscarrysinceprehistorictimes.Ittookpeopleworkingtogetherandformingfamily unitsinthecavestosurvive. Peopleneedpeopleintheirlivestofeellovedandcaredfor..Whensomeonecaresforus andwecarefortheminturnitputsusinagoodframeofmind.Whenweareinaloving relationshipthatgivesusnurturingandsupportitputsusinahappystateofmind.Giving andreceivingloveisveryimportantforthehappinessequation.Formeitisthemost important. It'simportanttofocusonourstrengthsasapersonasopposedtodwellingonour weaknessesinordertobehappywithourselves.Whenweconsumeourselveswithwhat iswrongwithusitimmobilizesus.Whenwethinkwedon'tmakethegradeoraren'tgood enoughwearefilledwithsadnessanddepression. Itsrecommendedforyoutolaughatyourweaknessesinsteadofcryaboutthem.More importantfocusonthosepartsofyouthatarestrongandcapable.Keepinmindthatno oneisperfecteveniftheyareperceivedtobe. Whenyoustartappreciatingthosethingsthatarepositiveaboutyourselfitreinforces yourstateofbeinginapositivefashionmakingiteasierforhappinesscomeintoyourlife. Hereisalistof10thingsPsychiatristssaymakesushappy: 1. AsItwaspointedout(scienceagrees)savoreachmomentthatisenjoyable.Ithelps reduceoveralldepressionwhenwethinkbacktothathappymoment.Ithelps createmoreserotoninthechemicalthatkeepsusinagoodmood. 2. AvoidComparisons Tryingtokeepupwithotherpeoplethatwethinkhaveitallcanbehardwhenwedon't havewhattheydo.OurcountryandtheAmericanMysticisverydominatedbywhohas

andwhodoesn't.Thisdestroysmoralandesteem.Focusonwhatyouaccomplishandhave inyourlifeanddon'tworryaboutwhatothershave. 3. Warning*Don'tMakeMoneyaPriority. Yesweallneedmoneytosurviveandnoonewantstobepoor.Wegetthat.Butthosethat putithighontheirlistofprioritiesaretheonespronetolowesteem,depression,anxiety andfear.Moneyisnecessaryforsurvivalinoursocietybutitshouldnotbeagaugefor happiness.Themorewelookforsatisfactioninmaterialthingstheshortertheenjoyment is.Weshouldnotbecomedefinedbythingswehaveinsteadofwhoweareinside. Researchhasalsoshowedthatmoneyseekersalsoscoredloweronvitalityandself actualizationtests. 4. HaveMeaningfulGoals Whenwestriveforcertainthingsitgivesusasenseofpurpose.Researchhasalso shownthatpeopleneedasenseofpurposetothrive.Justexistingcreates depressionandsadnessbecauseapersonfeelsliketheyhavenopurposeinlifeor reasontolive.Harvardsresidenthappinessprofessor,TalBenShahar,agrees, Happinessliesattheintersectionbetweenpleasureandmeaning.Whetheratwork orathome,thegoalistoengageinactivitiesthatarebothpersonallysignificantand enjoyable. 5.TakingInitiative Whenonetakesinitiativeatplaceslikeworkitmakestheexperiencemoremeaningful andpleasant.Oneofthemajorsourcesofunhappinessanddepressionispeoplehating theirjobs.Whenwefeelincontrolandrewardedforoureffortsitmakesforahappier experience. 6.FriendsandFamily Peoplewhoarehappierhavegoodfriendsandalovingfamily.Thisdoesnotincludebeing thelifeofthepartywithshallowacquaintances.Thisisdeepsupportivemeaningful relationshipswhichareanintegrativepartofone'slife.It'snotjusthavingacquaintance relationshipsorfriendsthat'sthesourceofhappiness.Itshavingclose,meaningfuland lovingtiesbetweenpeoplewhotrulycareforoneanotherthatmakesforhappiness. 7.Smile Smilinggoesalongwayevenwhenyoudon'tfeellikeit.Itmakesyoustarttoappreciate theglassbeinghalffullasopposedtohalfempty. 8. SayThankyoulikeyoumeanit Thisgoesbacktotheideaofgratitude.Showinggratitudegenerateshappinessforboth parties.ResearchbyMartinSeligman,founderofpositivepsychology,revealedthatpeople whowritegratitudeletterstosomeonewhomadeadifferenceintheirlivesscorehigher onhappiness,andlowerondepressionandtheeffectlastsforweeks.Italsoshowedpeople

whoexpressedgratitudeweremorelikelytosucceedinlife. 9.ManystudiesandresearchshowsExercisehelpswithdepression.Itbooststhefeel goodendorphinsbiochemicallyandgiveyouasenseofaccomplishment. 10.Helpothers Helpingothersisveryrewardingandgiveshappiness.Whenyougivehappinessyou receivehappiness.Thisincludeslisteningtoothers,passingonknowledgeandforgiveness. FinallyRespectisanotherkeyfactoracrosstheboardthecreateshappiness.Whenwefeel respectedwearehappy,whenwerespectotherstheyrespectus.Happinessisatwoway streetwhenwemakeothershappytheyreturnitinkind.

Chapter4:FindingPeaceFromWithinHowTo

CreateHappiness
It'ssafetosaythatwhenwefeelatpeaceitseasierforustoalsostarttofeelhappiness. Oursocietydoesnotpromotenorsupportourlivestobeinastateofpeace.Everythingwe dohaseitherpressureortensionattachedtoitinsomeform. Accordingtothedictionaryinternalmeanshavingtodoorsituateinsidethebody;and alsorelatingto,orinsidethemind.Peaceisdefinedinthedictionaryasastateofcalmand quiet;freedomfromdisturbingthoughts;andanagreementtoendhostilities.So,inthe realworldmanytimeswedonothavepeace.Instead,maybeforsomeuptoafewtimesa daywehavetofighttheonslaughtofanger,hostilityandpowergameswhichare integratedintotheAmericanlifestyle. Unfortunatelymanypeoplegaugethesuccessoftheirexistencebyutilizingthesethings mentionedaboveasameansofsurvivalinthisworld.Theyfindthemselvesusinghostility, angerandpowergamestofeelsuccessfulintheirdailyendeavorsorevenworse,are victimsofthesethingseverydayalldaylong.Sotherecomesapointwhenweare saturatedbythenegativefeelingsandenergythatwelosefocusofwhatitmeanstohave peaceinourlives. Ideallytohavehappinessonewouldthinkyouneedtobefreefromanger,hostilityand powergamesconstantlybombardingyou.Soinordertoachievethiswiththosethings goingonaroundyou;youhavetolearnhowtofindpeacewithinyourself.Inordertodoso youhavetocombineallyourthoughtsandfeelingsintoonestateofbeingthatcreates tranquilityandharmonyforyouwhenyouneedit. Oneeffectivewaytodothisishonoryouremotionsevenwhentheyarenotproductiveand thenacknowledgethemandfinallyletthemgosoyoucanmoveontoapeacefulstate.So manytimespeoplekeeptheirhostileandangryemotionsrepressed.Whathappensis theseemotionsseeptothesurfaceanywayinbehaviorthat'slessthanhumanlyacceptable asanoutletforthoseemotions. Onehastofindawaytoexpresstheseemotionsinappropriatewayssotheycanbe releasedfromoursystemsconstructively.Thisiswhatgiveswaytoinnerpeace. Herearesomestepsyoucanusetoconstructivelyreleasenotsopeacefulemotions: 1. YouneedtolistentoyourselfThismeansgetintouchwithyouremotionsand knowhowyouarefeeling.Thereasonweflyoffthehandlesooftenisthatwedeny thefeelingsofanger,resentmentandrage.BysayingtoyourselfyesIamangryor betteryetoutloudithelpsdissipatethefeelingsyouareholding.Whenyou suppressnegativefeelingsyouriskthepossibilityofharboringrealoutofcontrol anger.Whenangerisuncontrollablewebecomeconsumedbyit.Thistypeofanger

canevenbedangerousfornotreleasingitconstructively.Whenweflipoutmany timesitsduetofeelingswedidn'tevenknowwehadinside.Itsalsobecausewe refusetoacceptthosefeelingsandthoughtsconsciouslynotallowingourselvesto expressthemkeepingthembottledupinside.That'swhypeoplewhodon'texpress themselvesinsomeformintermsofapositivereleaseevenifthefeelingsaren'tare timebombswaitingtoexplode. 2. AcceptresponsibilityforyourfeelingsIfyouareangrywithsomeonedon't blamethem.Thereisnothingwrongwithtakingresponsibilityfortheangeryoufeel towardssomeone.Thedifferenceisifyoustarttotakeresponsibilityforyour feelingseveniftheyarenegative.Forinstanceyoucansayoutloud;Iamtaking responsibilitytorespondtothefactthatIdon'tlikethewayyoutalktomeas opposedtoyouaremakingmeangryWhenyouusethesecondstatementyouare givingothersthepowertocontrolyouremotions.Takingcontrolofyournegative emotionsandowningthemisnoteasytodo.Itdoestakepractice.Keepinmind whenyoublameothersallthetimeforyourfeelingsyoureallyviewyourselfasa victim.Thisisbecauseinyourmindtheyaredoingthingstoyoutomakeyouact incertainwayinsteadofactinghowyouwanttobasedontheirtreatmentofyouor yoursituation.WhenyousayIamnotgoingtobeavictimofanyonethenyoustart toactdifferently. 3. TalkaboutyourfeelingsFindaclosefriendorsomeoneyoutrusttoexpressyour pentupemotionswith.Ifyoufeeltheyaretoopersonalforevenyourclosepeople thenyoumaydecidetospeaktoaprofessionalabouttheminsteadwhichisOkay also. 4. AcceptyourselfWhenyouacceptyourselfwithallyourweaknessesandflawsyou canalsoacceptyourstrengths.Nooneisperfectandwhenyouacceptallofyou,you willstarttofeelpeace. 5. StopconstantlyjudgingyourselfWhenyoujudgeyourselfyouaresettingyourself uptofeelyouarenotgoodenough.Constantlyselfcriticizingyourselfmeansyou thinkyouhavetobeperfectandifyouaren'tyouarenotworthy.Whenyougetinto thisframeofmindyouwillnevermakepeacewithyourself.Youwillneverhave peaceeitheraroundyoubecauseyouwillneverbesatisfiedandfeelyouarealways fallingshortofwhat'sexpectedofyou. 6. LetgoofthepastAcceptallthathashappenedinyourlifeembraceitandthenlet itgo.Thepastisover.Relivingthepastorconstantlytryingtorecreatethepastdoes notmakewaytoafutureforyourself.Ifyourpastwassoterribleandyoucannot forgivethosethathaveviolatedyou,forgiveyourselfforbeinginthatsituationand letthosepeopleandexperiencesdie.Whensomeoneisdeadtheyaregoneonceand forallandyoucanfindpeacetheywillneverhurtyouagain.Youcanthenstartto healthehurtandfindpeaceforyourself.

 6.PracticegratitudeBegratefulforallthethingsyoudohaveinyourlifeandaboutthe thingsinyourselfthataregood.Whenwepayattentiontothethingsthataregoodand givethanksforthemitincreasesourthoughtsandenergies.Beingthankfulforwhatever goodwehaveinourlifehelpscreateasenseofpeace,loveandevenabundancewhichare allthingsthatpromoteinnerpeaceaswell. 7. LearningtorelaxWeallneedtimeout.Ithelpsmaintainourbalanceand harmony.Dowhateveryouneedtodothatmakesyourelaxdaily.Differentpeople relaxindifferentways.Someexercise,someread,somemeditate.Whateverittakes tounwindtakeeven10minutesadayforyourself. Finallyifyouhavetroubleexpressingyourfeelingsverbally,writethemdown.Youcansay whatyouwantthiswayfreelywithoutworryingaboutwhowillhearit.Studiesshowthat peoplewhowritetheirfeelingsareabletoletthingsgoandmoveonbetterthanthosewho can'texpressthemselves. Lifeisnotgoodwhenwedonotfindpeacewithinourselves.Theysaymoneycanevenbuy sexasphysicallovebutitcannotbuypeacewithinourselves.Inordertofindpeaceyou havetolivebypeacefulrules.AsIdidmyresearchonfindinginnerpeaceIcameacross somerulesofpeacetolivebythatIthoughtwereuseful. 1. Thefirstruleofpeaceistoacceptthatmostpeopledonotcareaboutlivingby peace.Lookatthegovernmentsintheworldandhowtheyconducttheirpeace keepingtechniques.Theyclaimtheyarecreatingandmaintainingpeacethrough war. Thefirststepofincorporatingpeaceintoyourlifeistoactuallybehonesttoyourselfin claimingthatyouareapeacefulperson.Doesyourbehaviorpromotepeace.Youhaveto acknowledgethatyourbehaviorintheworldandtoothersmaynotcreateapeacefulway betweenpeopleifitdoesn't.Ifyoudothisfirstyoucanthenunderstandwhatitistobe peacefulinstead.Yourbehaviormayactuallyencouragehostility,angerandresentment whichallcatalystsforwar. Ifyoucan'tseeyourcontributiontothecreatingofnonpeacefulwaysthenyouarean offenderofcreatingturmoil.Ifyouwantpeaceyouhavetopromotepeace. Rule#2Knowthatthereisnopeacefortheoffenderandpromoterofwars.Warcanbeas simpleasconstantlyattackingsomeoneyouassumeisweakerthanyouverbally.It'safact thatweshouldacknowledgethatsomepeoplearejustplainevilandcannotbechanged. Oncethatisunderstoodthenyouarejustasbadastheoffenderwhenyoucondonetheir behavior.Ifyougoalongwithsomeonewhobehavesinanoffensiveoraggressiveway thenyouaresupportingtheirbehaviorandarenotpromotingpeace.

Whenthereisconflictpeaceisobtainedwhenthegrievancesonbothsidesarefeltthey aremet.Ifyouseethereisanaggressorinyourlifethenyouneedtositdownwiththis personandtalktothemseriously.Haveaonetoonewiththemtoletthemknowthat theirbehaviorisnotacceptable.Pointouttheyarecreatinghostilityandangerwhichis goingtogetthemintoawarwithyouoranotherunnecessarily. Inordertohavepeaceyouandthosearoundyouhavetoreallyagreethatyouaregoingto conductlivingyourlifepeacefully.Iftheycan'tadheretothatthentheyneedtomoveonto otherswhosharetheirsamementalityofviolatingpeacefulenergy. Liarsdonotpromotepeace.Theypretendtohonorthepeacetreatybutdonotinreality.So tellthemiftheyintendnottokeeptheirwordthatyouneedtonotdealwiththemunless absolutelynecessarylikeatajobonly.Therewillbenopersonalinteractionotherwise. 3. Thereisnocompromisingbetweengoodandevilintentions.Ifyougiveintoevil youwillnotbehappy.Thatmeansifyougiveintobullyingorbecomingabullyyou willnothavepeace.Theunderdogalwaysfightsevenifitspassiveforitsfreedom. 4.Inordertohavepeacethatwhichyouconsiderevil,wrongorharmfulhastobe destroyedforyouinyourlife.Wheneveryoufeellikeyouhavetomakeadealwith somethingorsomeonethatgoesagainstyourgrain;itwillalwaysbeasourceof disharmonyandyouwillneverfindpeacethatway. Findingpeacewithinourselvesintoday'sworldtakesalotofwork.It'snotaseasyas peoplewouldlikeyoutothink.Inaworldthatdoesnotpromotepeacewehavetoreally searchdeepwithinourselvestofindthatplaceinusthatispeaceful. Hereisanexercisetohelpyoulearnhowtoletgoofwhateverispreventingyoufrom findingpeaceinsideofyourself. 1. Onapieceofpaperwritedownfivethingsthatyoufeelarepreventingyoufrom findingpeaceinyourmind.Thesethingsmayincludeoldhurts,fears,lossand stresses.Putnexttoeachthingyouwrotewhoisbeingeffectedthemostbythese things.Mostlikelyyouwillfindthatitisyouwhoistheonethatisaffectedbywhat youwrotedown. 2. Onthatlistlookatwhereyouputyourselfastheonethatwasaffectedbythething onthelist.Thinkabouteachthingonthelistthathaseffectedyouforthenext5 minutes.Embracethehurtandpainitcauses.Lookatyoursituationtoseeif anythinghaschanged.ThenconsciouslysayIreleasemyselffromit(whateverit is)" 3. Thisprocessdoesnotreleasethingsrightawayittakeswork.Youmayhavetowrite alisteverydayuntilyoufinallystarttoreallyletgoofwhat'sonthatlist.Inthe

processoflettinggoitdoesmakeyouawareofwhatisblockingyourinnerpeaceso youcanworkonit.Keepinmindtoreleasesomethingyouhavetochangeyour mindset.Askyourselfwhenyouaretryingtochangeyourmindset,whoelseis losingsleeporsufferingfromwhatistakingpeacefromyou.Manytimestherewon't beanyoneelse.Thisisreallythefirststepinlettinggo;whenyoubegintorealize youaretheonlyonecryingoverwhatisbotheringyou.Giveyourselfpermissionto stopfeelingbadsoyoucanmoveon. 4. Nowchangeyourthoughtstosomethingpleasant.Forexampleyoucanthinkabout redecoratingaroomandmoneyisnoobjector(thisworksformen)thecarofyour dreams.Thistrainsyourmindtoshiftfromwhatisbotheringyoutomoving forward. 5. Asyoudotheselittleexercisesdailyyouwillseethatyouwillhavelessofthese feelingbadepisodes.Youwillnoticethatmoretimewillpassinbetweentheperiods whenyoudofeelupsetfromthosethingsthattookyoufromfeelingpeaceful.Putup stickynotesifyouhavetowithpositivereinforcements. 6. Onceamonthreviewthelistandcheckoffthosethingsyouhavemovedonfrom.It doesn'tmeanyouhaveforgottenthem.Itmeansthatitnolongerconsumesyouand youcancometotermswiththem.Thisisthemainstepinfindinginnerpeace.

LastlyFindsomethingorsomeoneyoulovetofocusonwhenthenegativitystartstocreep up.Thereisnothingbettertohealthosenegativeanduppeacefulthoughtsthenlove.It canbealovedoneorevenahobbybutlovingsomethingwilltaketheplaceofthepain eventuallysoyoucanmoveonandfindasenseofpeace

Chapter5:Happiness,Sex,andMoney
Therearealwaysanalogiesdrawnbetweenhappinessandsexandmoney.Theysayyou canbuysexbutyoucannotbuylove.Therewasastudydoneinrelationtoincome,sexand happiness.Itusedrandomsamplingof16000AdultAmericans.Thepaperconcludesthere isastrongcorrelationbetweensexandhappiness.Italsosignifiedthatgreaterincomedid notnecessarilymeanmoresexormoresexualpartners.Moreincomedidnotbuyeither. ThetypicalaverageAmericanhassexualintercourse2to3timesamonth.Alsoitis marriedpeoplewhohavemoresexasopposedtothosewhoaresingle,divorced, separatedorwidowed. AnotherinterestingfindinthisstudywhichwastitledSex,MoneyandHappiness:An EmpiricalStudyconductedbyDavidG.BlanchflowerandAndrewJ.OswaldoftheNational BureauofEconomicResearchpaper#10499IssuedinMay2004;alsofoundacorrelation betweeneducationandsex.Thehappinessofpeoplewithhighereducationlevelswas affectedmuchmoregreatlythanthosewithlowereducationallevelsintermsofsex.Also thenumberofpartnersthatcreatedamaximumofhappinessinthatstudywasone. Itwasalsonotedthathighereducatedfemaleshadfewerpartnersthanthosethatweren't aseducatedingeneralasasexualhistory.Thesamestudyalsoconcludedthatincreasing theamountofsexfromonceamonthtoonceaweekincreasedthehappinessleveltothe equivalentofgettinga50,000dollarayearraise.Youdothemathonthehappinesslevel thatsexcanthusbringtoaperson. Withthesethingsinmindwecansaythatsexmakespeoplehappierthanmoney.Thisis nottosaythathavingmoremoneywhichultimatelymakeslifeeasierdoesn'tmakeus happyeither.Whatitissayingisthatmoneymaybringacertainamountofhappinessto theequationofone'slifebutitisnotincomparisontoastrongsexlifewithonepartner. Whatwasalsointerestingisthatthestudydispelledthemyththatifyouhavemoremoney yougetmoresex.Therewasnoindicationthatthemoremoneyyouhavethemoresex youget.Whatwasfoundisthatusuallyhighereducatedpeopledomakemoremoney;and sexdoesseemtohaveahappiereffectontheeducatedasopposedtothosewhoaren't.It isageneralconsensusthatthemoreeducationyouhavethemoreincomeyoudo generate. Thehappiestandonesgettingmoresexarethosethatarehappyintheirmarriagesbyas muchas30percentmore,evenoversinglepeople.Theeconomistsestimatethatahappy marriageisonethatislastingandgeneratestheequivalentof$100,000dollarsayearof happiness.Divorceontheotherhanddepleteshappinessby$66,000dollarsannually. Whatallthismeansisthatpeoplewhogetmoresexonaregularbasisarericherin happiness.

 LikewisetherewasastudydoneMay2001issueofJournalOfSexualResearchinwhich GeorgiaUniversityStateResearchersfoundpeoplewhowereinvoluntarilycelibate frequentlyhadunhappyfeelings.Themanfeelingswereanger,frustration,selfdoubtand depression.Theconclusionsofthestudywasthatthesefeelingsweregeneratedbythe missingofhavingsexintheirlives.Itseemssexandaperson'spsychefeedoffofone another. Anotherinterestingthingisthatitappearsthatthemalesspermhasanantidepressive effectonfemales.TherewasastudydonebyapsychologistnamedGordonGallupPhD.He notedthatwomenwhohadunprotectedsexhadlowerlevelsofdepressionthanthosethat usedcondoms.Therewasafollowuptothestudyanditalsonotedthatwomenwho stoppedhavingsexthatwerenotusingcondomsgotdepressedmorethanwomenwho stoppedhavingsexwithcondomsaswell. Itwasalsonotedthatwomenwhodonotusecondomsarepreytotherebound relationshipsbecausetheyaregoingthroughatypeofsexualwithdrawalbecauseofnon condomsex. Whethersexiswithacondomornottherearefeelgoodendorphinsthatarereleased duringsexandorgasms.Theendorphinswhicharethebrainsnaturalpainkillersandfeel gooddrugswearoffinaboutanhour.Beingreceptivetotouchalsomakesforhappier peopleallaround.Peoplewhoarelessdepressedandexperiencelessanxietyintheirlives areonesthathavephysicalcontactwithotherpeople. Touchisjustascrucialinthehappyequation.Itissaidit'sgoodtohaveaminimumof4 hugsaday.Oldpeopletendtodiequickerbecausetheydon'thavepeoplethattouchthem physicallyintheirlivesmanytimes.Babiesdiewithouttouch. Theseareotherfactorstoconsiderinthehappinessandsexequation.It'sjustnotthesex itstheyqualityincludingthetypeoftouching.Peoplethatengageinforeplaytendtoenjoy thesexualexperiencemuchmorethanthosethatdon't.Italsocreatesalevelofintimacy thatjustintercoursealonedoesn't. Manytimesemptysexwithoutloveleavesapersonfeelingworsethanwithoutthesex. Goodsexisbasedonmutualtrustbetweentwoconsentingpeople.Trustisbuiltonlove.If loveisn'tintheequationtherelationshipdoesnotlastusuallyverylongandneitherparty willultimatelybehappyinthelongrun. Sexualcompatibilityisalsoafactorforhappiness.Twopeoplehavetobeonthesamepage tohaveafulfillingsexualrelationship.Thisiswherethehappinesscomesin.They understandeachother'sneedsandknowhowtofulfilloneanothertomaintainthe happiness.Itisprettysafetosaythatanyoneishappywhentheyhaveloveandgoodsex togetherinonerelationshipintheirlives.

Chapter6:HowToHaveAHappyRelationship
Allpeoplewhethertheyadmititornotwanttobeinorhaveahappyrelationshipwith someone.Thismeansarelationshipthatworkswithsomeoneandthriveswiththeperson. Tomakeagoodrelationshipthatishappy;bothpartieshavetobewillingtogothatextra mile. Whenyoumeetsomeoneandyouaremutuallyattractedandstartanewrelationship everythingseemsgoodinthebeginning.Manytimesasrelationshipswearon,thetwo peoplestarttotakeeachotherforgranted. Thetruthisonceyougetthepersonofyourinterestandyoutwoaretogether;tryingto impressthemfades.Astherelationshipchangesandbecomesfamiliaritbringswithita senseofsecurityandfamiliarity.Themoreyougettoknowtheotherpersonthemore relaxedtherelationshipbecomes. Youstopbeingonyourbestbehaviorbecauseyoudon'tfeellikeyouneedtotryandget thepersonanymore.Itsofficialyouaretogether. Nowwhathappensistheeccentricitiesandquirksstarttocomeout.Youstarttorealize thateverythingthatyourpartnerdoesisnotcuteanymore.Alsowhatyouwroteoffas cutebehaviorbeforewiththatpersonisnowannoying.Yourrelationshipatthispointalso startstofallintoaroutine. Weallknowthatnotallrelationshipsarenotmeanttolast.Theyareapartofourgrowth anddevelopment.Withthosetypesofrelationshipswemoveonuntilwefindsomeone thatclicksinallthewaysarelationshipneedstoinordertobehappy.Ifyoufeelyoumet therightoneandareinitforthelonghaultherearesomethingsthatyoucandotoavoid thepitfallsthatmakerelationshipsunhappy. Thefirstthingyouhavetorememberisrespectandaffectionareveryimportantinagood relationship.Ittakestwotomakearelationshipwork.Itcannotbeanalltakeorallgiveon onesidewhentherearetwopeople. TherehastobeMutualunderstandingaswellascompatibility.Youbothshouldsharethe samevisionastowhereyoubothwanttherelationshiptobeandwhereyouwantittogo. Youhavetoworkasateam.Thisdoesn'tmeanthatyouwon'thavedifferentinterestsfrom eachother.There'snothingwrongwithpeopleinarelationshiphavingdifferentinterests butyoualwayscomebackafterthetimeapartanddothingsasateam. Theteamshouldalsocomefirstbeforetheotherinterestsorpeopleinyourlife.Ifyour interestsaren'tsomethingyourpartnercaresfor;discusswhatyourplansareinregardsto anactivityconcerningyourinterest.Alwaysremembertoincludetheminyourplanseven

iftheydeclinetheinvite.Iftheydeclinethenaskthemifit'sokwhenyouplantodoyour activity. Alwaysletthemfeeltheyarepartofyourlife.Ifyouliketogotoanexerciseclassbutyour partnerdoesn't,letthempickyouupafteriftheywantto.Thiswaytheydon'tfeellikeyou areexcludingthemfromyouractivities.Resentmentandinsecuritymanytimescreepsin relationshipswhenapersonfeelsliketheyarebeingleftinthedarkorleftoutoftheir partnerslifeinsomeway. Manypeopleforgetthattheirpartnershouldbeactuallytheirbestfriendandnottreat themasanyless.Relationshipsfailbecausepeopledonotdothis.Theyputtheirfriends aheadoftheirrelationshipwhichisanono.Yourpartnerwillbeinsituationsinyourlife whereyourfriendwouldnotberememberthat. Everyrelationshipisuniqueanddifferent.Butyouknowyouareinahappyoneif: 1.Youcanlaughandenjoyeachother'scompany 2.FeelSafeandSupported 3.ProvideSafetyandsupportforeachother 4.Shareyourfeelingsandideas 5.RespectEachother 6.Prefereachother'scompanytofriends It'salwaysbesttobehonestinarelationship.Honestycreatestrust.Asyouspendmore timewithsomeonethetrustlevelincreasesasthehonestyismaintained.Noonelikes someonewholiestothem.Alotofrelationshipsfailbecauseoneofthepartiesliestothe other.Thisisparticularlytrueifthepersoniscompulsivewiththelying. Thisiswheretheideaofcommunicationcomesin.Youhavetokeepthelinesof communicationopenedbetweenthetwoofyou.Thismeanstalkingaboutfeelings,what's goingoninyourownlifeandwhat'shappeninginyourlivestogether.Youshouldtalk freelyandopenlyallthetime. Whenpeoplesharetheirfeelingsandopinionswithoneanothertheygetabettersenseof eachperson'spersonalityaswellastheirlikesanddislikes.Thisisalsoawaytoworkout anykinksthatmayarise.Italsoletsyouseewhateachotherwantsfromtherelationshipas wellasoneanother. Anotherimportantthingtorememberinahappyrelationshipistolistentoeachother. Nothingisworsewhenyouaretalkingtosomeoneandtheyarenotpayingattentiontoa wordyouhavesaid. Thisisalsopartofgoodcommunication.Ifpossiblepracticeactivelisteninginsteadof passivelistening.Manyanargumenthastakenplacebetweencoupleswhenoneaccuses theotherofnotlistening.

 Activelisteningmeansstoppingeverythingelseoneisdoingtolisten.Wecan'talwaysdo thisbutit'sgoodtotrywhenweareableto.IfyouarewatchingTVturnitoff.Tryandlook attheperson.Don'tanticipatewhattheyaregoingtotellyou.Hereisafewthingstokeep inmindsoyoucanbeagoodlistener. 1.NoPassingjudgmentLetthepersonsaywhat'sontheirmindbeforeyoucondemn them 2.InterruptingNothingisruderthantointerruptsomeonewhoispouringtheirfeelings outtoyou 3.CriticizingThebestwaytostopsomeonefromexpressingtheirfeelingsbytalkingto youistocriticizethemwhiletheyaredoingso.Letthemfinishandthendependingon whatwassaidrespond. 5.Givingadvice(unlessit'saskedfor)Sometimespeoplewanttojustgetthingsofftheir chestandmaynotbelookingforadvice,inthiscasedon'tgiveittothemunlesstheyask forit. Whenyoudothisthepersontalkingfeelslikeyouarelettingthemgetwhateverythey needtosayacross.Whentheyfinishyoucanrespondinkind.Thecommunicationshould notstopifyouaremadorangryeither.Ifit'shardforyoubecauseyougetmadthentell thepersonyouareangrywiththemorsadwiththemandwhyatthetimeyoufeelthat way.Thiswayneitheroneendsupharboringresentment. Thisalsogoesintolearninghowtofightfairly.Norelationshipisperfect.peopledisagree andfightwitheachother;butthereisawaytodoit.Fightingisactuallyhealthyifit'sdone constructively.Butifyoukeepfightingoverthesamethingsthenthereissomething wrong.Thisindicatesanunresolvedissueandneedstobehandledeffectively. Whenyougetmadyoudon'twanttoputyourpartneronthedefense.Infightingfairyou needtorealizethatyourpartnerisn'tyourenemy.Youmaynotliketheirbehaviorbutyou arewiththembecauseyouloveandcareforthem.Whenyouareangry,insteadofsaying tothemYoudidthis,orYoudidthatuseIdidnotlike,orIfelthurtwhenyou....Start withyoufirstandhowitaffectedyou.Thiswilldisarmtheotherpersonandgetthemto listentoyourgrievance. Fightingfairlyalsomeansbeingspecificabouttheissueyouarefightingabout.For exampleifyouareannoyedthathedidn'tdoachoredon'tbringupeverythingyoudon't likethathedoesn'tdointhehouse.Justthatchoreifthat'swhattheargumentisabout.It's easiertoresolveaproblemifyouarespecificaboutit.

Thisaddressestheimmediateproblemratherthanthrowinginallthethingsthatbugyou foranargumentspecificallyaboutoneissue.Youhavetokeepthefightrelativetothe currentissueathandandnotbringinguppreviousincidentseither. Ifyouconstantlyrehashthepastyouwillnotmoveforward.Yourpartnercan'tchangethe past.Theycanonlyrectifythecurrentsituation.Alsotryandnotusestatementsthatyou knowwillhurtyourpartnerintentionally.Finallykissandmakeup,moveon. Thisbringsustoagreeingtodisagree.It'sokayforyoutohaveapartnerthathasdifferent opinionsthatyoudo.Theymayalsohavedifferentideasonthingsandinterestsallthatis wellandgood.Thatactuallymightbewhatattractedyoutotheminthefirstplace. Respecttheirrighttoanopinionbutyoudonothavetoaccepttheiropinion.Theonly exceptionwouldbeifsomeoneistryingtogetinbetweenyouandyourmate.Inthatcase it'simportantforyoutopresentaunitedfronttothatpersonthatiscausingtheproblem .Inallothercasesit'sokayifyou: 1.Agreetodisagree. 2.Trytoseetheotherpersonspointofview. 3.Acceptthatyouropiniondoesn'tneedtochangeifyoutrulyfeelitsvalidandnot unreasonable. Thisiswhererespectingtheotherpersonregardlessofthedifferencesbecauseyoulove themcomesintobeing.Intermsofargumentsandmanagingdifferencesofopinions betweentwopeoplethereshouldbesomeguidelinesthatbothuse. Theguidelinesare: 1.Itsimportantforyoutobeabletospeakupaboutsomething. 2.Sometimesifyoudon'tmakeyourfeelingsclearaboutsomethingthatisbotheringyou, thepersonwon'tknowandkeepdoingit. 3.Holdingfeelingsaboutsomethingbackbreedsangerandresentment. 4.Manytimesapersonwilldosomethingthatmayhurtoroffendyoubecausethey honestlydon'tknowthatitdoesuntilyoutellthemaboutit. 5.Moretimesthannotifsomethingisbotheringapersonitwillcomethroughinhowthey acttowardstheotherpersonandeveninfacialexpressions.Thepersonwillknow somethingiswrongbyyouractionsbutmaynotevenknowwhatitactuallyis.Youmay sayfinebutareactingotherwise.Ahealthyhappyrelationshipisonewhereyoucantrust yourselfandyourpartnerenoughtobeabletotellthemhowyoufeelanditbeokay. Asahappycoupleinahappyrelationshipyoushouldhavecollectivegoalsthatyouwork

ontogether.Justasyousupporteachotherwithyourpersonalgoalsthesamegoesforthe goalsyoumaketogether.Ifyouarethinkingaboutanymajorchangespersonallyinyour lifeit'simportanttodiscussthemtogetherasacouple.Alsolearntousethebeststrengths eachofyouhastogetthingsdoneasateam.Yourpartnermayhavedifferentstrengths andorweaknessesthanyou.Soifheisabetterorganizerthat'shisjobandifyouare betterwithhandlingthemoneythenmaybemakingthebudgetisyours. Althoughyoulovespendingtimetogethertheremaybetimeswhenonepartnerneeds somespacetobealone.Youhavetorespecteachother'sspaceaswell.Hemaywanttobe inanotherroomtodosomethingbyhimselfortakeawalkasyoumightalsoanditsall good. Thereisnothingwrongwithtakingtimeforyourselfandspendingsomequalitytime alone.Youmaywantyournailsdonewiththegirlsandthatfine.Hemaywanttoplayball withtheboys.Aslongasbothofyourespecttherelationshipandputtherelationshipfirst thenspaceishealthy. Thebottomlineisahappyrelationshipisonethatisnurturedsoitcangrow.Youhaveto buildyourrelationshipasyoulearnfromoneanother.Youtakefromeachotherthe strengththeotherhasandbuilduptheweaknessesaswell. Acceptthatyouhaveshortcomingsjustlikethemandbothofyouwillgrowtogether.

Chapter7:HowToBeHappyandSingle
Therearetimesinourliveswhenwherewefindourselvesalonebychoice;orwillfind ourselvesbeingonourowninspiteofwantingarelationshipwithsomeone.Itcouldalso beweareinbetweenrelationshipsandtooktimeout. Ontheotherhandwemayhavejustgottenoutofarelationshipeitherbychoiceorthe personleftus.Therearesomepeoplewhoprefertobealoneforwhateverreason.We alwayshearthatrelationshipsandinteractionwithfriendsandlovedonesiskeyforusto findhappiness. However,thosetimeswearealoneorsingledoesnotmeanwehavetobemiserabledoes it? TheanswerisNO. Therearesomepeoplethathandlebeingaloneorsinglebetterthanothers.Ifyoudofind yourselfaloneorsingle;thefirstthingyouneedtodoisstructureyourtime.Ithasbeen discoveredthatifyoukeepbusywithconstructiveactivitiesinyourlifeitcanhelpwith feelingaloneorlonely.Evenifyouhavetomapoutascheduleofactivitiessoyouhavea fullitineraryhourlythendoso. Youwillalsoseethatyourlifeisquitefullbasedonhowmuchyoupencilin.Includethose thingsyou'vealwayswantedtodobutdidn'thavetimebeforebecauseyoulifewas interwovenwithsomeoneelse.Thinkofitasnowyouarefreetodowhatyoualways wantedtodoanddon'thavetoanswertosomeoneaboutdoingit. Thisisthebestwaynottofeelaimlessorhopeless,likethereisnothinggoingoninyour life.Inactualityifyoucanstarttoviewyourselfasbeingselfreliantinsteadofbeingalone orwithoutarelationshipthenyouwillstarttofeeldifferentlyaboutbeingonyourown. Youhavetoviewyourtimeastimetohavearelationshipwithyourself.Gettoknow yourself.Manytimespeopledon'tknowthemselvessotheydon'tknowwhattheywantout oflifemuchlessfromarelationship.Includeyourownpersonalqualitytimeinthechoices youmakewithyouractivities.Dothingsthatyouenjoyforyourselftomakeyoufeelgood aboutwhoyouare. Thisisthetimetodothingsthatyoucouldn'tnecessarilydobecauseyouwereina relationshipandactuallydidn'thavetimeforyourselfuntilnow.Alsopamperyourself whenyoucan.Keepyourselfattractiveforyou.That'sthebestwaytofeelgoodabout yourself.

Evenifyouarealoneitdoesn'tmeanyoudidn'tordon'thavefriends.Ifyoudofeelpangsof lonelinessreconnectwithyourfriends.Truefriendswillunderstand.Friendscanbeloving andasourceofsupport.It'simportanttostillhaveafeelingofloveevenifitsyougivingit toyourself.Whenyo ulove,lovereachesoutanditattractsmoreofthesame.Ifyouaretryingtoattractanew personintoyourlifethebestwaytodoitistohaveagoodlifeyourself.Thatmeansyou arenotdesperatetofindsomeonebutarewillingtoopenyourselfupfortherightone. Whenyourlifeismeaningfultoyouandyouaresatisfiedyouwillcreateenergyaround youthatissopositivethatitdrawspeopletoyou. Itsimportantnottoisolateyourselforbecomeintrovertedbecauseyouaresingleoralone. Thebestsuggestionthattheygiveistobuildyourselfacommunity.Bythatitmeans havingpeoplewhocareaboutyouinyourlifewhoarethereforyouandyoucareabout themandarethereforthemaswell. Whenyouhavemeaningfulrelationshipswithpeopleitfulfillsatypeofneedandvoid.The morehappieryouarewithyourlifeingeneralthemorewillcometoyoubecauseyouare openedtoit.Manysinglepeoplewhoarealonefeeldisconnectedandalienatedfrom people.Itultimatelyaffectsthequalityoftheirlives. Theyactasiftheonlywaytobehappyisinaromanticorintimaterelationshipwitha mate.Inthesecasestheyneedtotryandfindgroupsthathavelikeinterestswiththemto helpthemgetbackintheswingofthings. It'sokaytogotothegym,exercise,buyflowers,gotoashowordothingsaloneand actuallyenjoythemalso. Liveyourlifeinthehereandnowmode.Don'tconsumeyourselfwiththewhatifsand whatwillbecomeofme.Takelifemomentbymomentandenjoythingsastheycometo you.Keepyourpastinthepast.Youcannotchangewhathashappenedtoyou.Butyoucan controlwhatwillhappeninyourlifeifyoutakethingsstepbystep. Tryandmakeyourlifepurposeful.Makeeachdayyouwakeupareasonfordoingso.Have avisionofwhatyouwanttodoandwhereyouwanttobeinyourlifeandkeepthatin focus.Lifeistooshortnottodowhatyouwant. Youshouldn'tfeellikeafailureifyouarenotinaromanticrelationship.Infacta relationshipshouldnotdefinewhoyouare.Itisyouwhodefinesanddecidesthetypeof relationshipyoushouldhavewithanotherpersonbeitfriendshiporromantic.Ifyou yourselfdon'tfeellikeacompletepersonwithinyourself,howcanyoubepartofsomeone else'slife.Youhavetounderstandwhoyouare,whatyouareaboutandwhatyouwantin ordertomakeitworkwithapartner.

 Yes,twopeoplebecomeoneinarelationshipbuttheyaretwoindividualscomingtogether bychoice.Manytimesthosepeoplewhodon'tfeelcompleteinthemselveswillstayin relationshipsthattheyaremiserableinjusttosaytheyhavesomeone.Inthosecasesit's liketheyarealoneanyway. So,whenarelationshiplikethisendsthiswasnotarelationshipwheretwopeoplewanted tobetogetheranywayatleastnotfortherightreasons.Theycametogetheroutofaneed tohavearelationshipbecauseoffearofbeingbythemselves. Whenyoucanstandonyourownandfeellikeapersononyourownthenyouarereadyto bewithsomeoneoutoffeelingforthepersonasopposedtodesperation.Whentwowhole peoplecomeintoarelationshiptheycancompleteeachotherbecausetheyarestrong enoughtosharethemselveswithoutlosingwhotheyareintherelationship.Theydon't definethemselvesbytherelationshipitistheywhodefinewhattherelationshipwillbeto themtogether. Lonelinessisultimatelyastateofmindandbeing. Itdoesn'tmeanthatyoucan'tfindlove.Lovemakestheworldgoround.Notbeingwith someonedoesn'tmeanthatyouarenotdefinedasapersonbecauseyouaresingleor alone.Youshouldknowwhoyouareandwhatyouareaboutwhetheryouareina relationshipornot. Toomanytimespeoplesettleandsayitsok.Inactualitytheyarenothappybecausethey soldthemselvesshort.Whentherightonecomesalongandyouarehappyyoucanchange yourstatusfromsingletoinarelationshipquiteeasily. Thedifferenceisyouaredoingitbecauseyouwanttoanditsrightforyou.Notbecause youaredesperateandcan'thandlebeingonyourownthatyousettleforbeingwith someonewhoisn'tthebestchoiceforyou.

Chapter8:LearningHowToSay"NO"
Inourpursuitsofhappinessweknowwhatmakesushappyandweknowwhatdoesn't. Thisincludesknowingwhatwewantandwhatwedon'twant.Inordertomaintainour happinesstherearetimeswehavetosayNOtopeopleandchoices.Itmaynotbeeasyto saytheNOwordifpeopleorsituationsarecountingonYesfromusbutthatisnotthe point. Wehavetoultimatelymakechoicesforourlivesandourpathtohappinessnotforothers. Thisisespeciallytrueifwhatpeoplewantustosayyestoisn'twhatwewantfor ourselves. Manytimeswhenwefeelwewantedtosaynotosomethinganddon'twefeeltrampled uponandlikeweshouldhavestuckupforourselves. Themainobstacletomasteringthewordnoistheguiltwefeelwhenwedosayno particularlyifwecarefortheperson.Whenwedothiswefeelthatwearelettingdown somebodywhoaskedsomethingofus.Sayingnowithoutthebaggageitleavesbehind takespractice. ThefirstwaytostartlearningtosayNoiswithasimplebuteffectiveexercise.Youstart withmakingalistofallthethingsthatareyourprioritiesandthingsthatmeanayesto you.Anythingthatisaskedofyouthatisnotonthatlistandyouwanttosaynoto;thendo so. Thiskeepsyourmindfocusedonwhatyouwantfirstandwhatmakesyouhappyinstead ofalwaysgivingintoothersrequestsordemands. Itmayfeelquiteuncomfortableatfirst,notaccommodatingsomeonethatyounormallydo. Keepinmindthatforeverytimeyousayyesyouareputtingyourprioritiesandneeds asideforthatpersonyousayyesto.Ifyouhaveasignificantotherandyouneedtheir supportinthismatteryoucandiscussitwiththemfirstbeforeyoustartwithsayingNO tothosethatexpectyoutodothingsforthem. IfsayingNOonthespotmakesyouguiltriddenthenbuyyourselftimeandsayI'llthink aboutit.Thisbuysyoutimetoprepareyourselftosaynowithoutbeingpressuredtocave infromthepersonaskingthefavor.Thisistruealsoifsomeoneisgivingyouaninvitethat youwanttosayNOtoalso.WhenyoumusterthestrengthtofinallytellthemNOdoso withoutgivingreasonsorexcuses.Don'toverexplainordefendyouranswereither.Itsfar bettertosay;No,Iwon'tbeabletohelpyouorNo,It'snotpossibleformetodothator thankyoubutIcan'tattend.

Whenyouanswerwithadefinitenotheycan'tsaywellmaybeanothertime".Whenyou aren'tassertivewithadefiniteNOitgivestheotherpartyleewaytotryandbarterwith you. Aninterestingassignmentyoucangiveyourselfistoconsciouslycountallthetimesyou sayyestothingsthatyoureallydon'twanttoinaweek.Thesearethingsyouwished yousaidNoto.Attheendoftheweekaddupallthetimesyousaidyesagainstyourtrue feelings.Thiswillshowyouthatyouneedstarttoseeyouhavetostandupforwhatyou wanttodoforyou.Youhavetotellpeoplethatyourprioritieshavechangediftheykeep insistingandwhatyoumayhavedonebeforeintermsofsayingyesyouarenolonger doing. WhenyoustarttounderstandthattheideaofsayingYesandNoisalsoabout boundariesandwhatyouwilldoandwhatyouwon't;peoplethatwereusedtohaving theirwaywithyoumaytrytocrossboundariestomaketheirpointorgettheirway.Here aresomeguidelinesyoumayuseifyouneedto.Ifitsasignificantotheryouneedto establishboundarieswiththemaswell.Ventanystrongemotionsthatyouoryourpartner mayhaveonthisissuebeforethetwoofyoubeforeusetheguidelines. 1.ThefirstthinginsayingNo'whensettingaboundaryinrelationtoanotherpersonis thatyouwanttousesimpleanddirectlanguage.Thisleavesnoroomformisinterpretation onthepartoftheperson. 2.Ifthepersonisangryyouaresettingaboundarywithyou: SayfirstIfyoucontinuetoactthiswayIamleavingtheroom.Donotyellatmeoract aggressivewithme.Iwillnottakethatbehaviorfromyou. 3.Tosetaboundarywithpersonalphonecallsatwork:hereisanexampleofwhattosay. Iwillhavetocallyoulater,I'vedecidedtotakeallpersonalcallsintheeveninginorderto getmyworkdone 4.Tosaynotoextracommitments: AlthoughyourneedisimportantIhavetodeclinebecauseIhavetotakecareofmy family'sneeds 5.Tosetaboundaryforsomeonewhoiscritical example:"It'snotOKtotalkaboutmyweight,I'dliketoaskyoutostop." 6.Tobuyyourselftimewhenhavingtomakeatoughdecision: "Ihavetosleeponit.Ihaveapolicyofnotmakingtoughdecisionsrightaway" 7.Tobackoutofacommitment:

ex:"IknowIagreedbutIcannotgiveittheattentionitdeserves,soletmetryandfinda replacement" 8.Tosetboundarieswithanadultchildandlendinghimorhermoney: "Iloveyouverymuchbutwon'tbelendingyoumoneyanymore.Youneedtotakemore responsibilityforyourself." Whenyousetyourpersonalboundariesyoudonotneedtodefendyourself,debateorover explainyourfeelings.Youcanbegraciousbutfirmandifyoumeetresistancerepeatyour statement. Anothersourceofunhappinesswefaceiswhenwearehurtortakethingspersonally becauseofourownweakinternalboundaries.Aninternalboundaryisourowninvisible protectiveshieldthatweusetocheckacommentoutfirstbeforetakingitin.Anexample ofthiswouldbeifsomeonecallsyouarrogantstopandconsiderthestatementbefore takingitin.Usingyourinternalshieldgivesyoutimetoaskthefollowingquestions: 1. Howmuchofthisistrueaboutme? 2. Howmuchofthisisabouttheotherperson? 3. WhatdoIneedtodo(ifanything)toregainmypersonalpowerorstandupfor myself? Thelastquestionisveryimportantbecauselearningtostandupforyourselfandlearning tosaynomeanstostandfirmwithyourboundaries. Thisshieldwhenyouuseitisespeciallygoodwhendealingwithdifficultandcritical people.Inthiswayyouareintactandtheirstatementsdonotweakentheshield.Theshield helpsyoudecideifit'sworthansweringornot.Inthiswayyoudonotletwhattheysayget toyoubecauseyouanalyzedtheircommentbeforeyourespond. Onceyoustarttoseewhoyouareandwhatyouwantyoucanstarttofeelhappybecause youaredoingwhatittakesforyoutobehappynotwhatotherswantfortheirhappiness. Itdoesn'tmeanyouaretobeselfishandthoughtless,itmeansifthereissomethingasked ofyouthatmakesyoureallyunhappyortakesyououtofyourzoneofbeinghappythen youhavetherighttosaynoandnotfeelbadorguiltyaboutyourdecision.

Chapter9:SoHowDoWeBecomeHappy
Happinessisrelativetoaperson'sneeds.Itisastateofmind. Whatmakesonepersonhappymayinfactcausemiserytoanother.Sointhequestfor happinesswemustfirstlistentoourselvesandfollowourpaththatourinnerselvestells usisrightforus.Whatmaymakeyouhappymaynotbewhatthemajorityofpeopledo everydaytobehappy.It'sokaytobedifferent. Thefirststepofhappinessisthatyoudon'tnecessarilyneedtofollowanygroupordo whatyourfriendsdo;ortellyoutodoifitdoesn'tmakeyouhappy.Youhavetoaskyourself areyoureallyhappywithwhatyouaredoinginyourlife?Orareyoujustlikeasheep followingtheflockwithnoconsiderationforwhatyoureallywant. Ifyoudecidethatyouarenothappyinyourcurrentsituationorwiththecurrentthings happeninginyourlifeatthemomentthentheantidoteistochangeit.It'sthatsimplebut itmaybeaprocess. Somethingswecanchangerightaway,andsometaketime.Itdoesn'tmatterwhatyou havebeenconditionedorprogrammedtodo,beitajob,relationshiporlifestyle.Ifyouare nothappyyoucanfixitandchangethingsaround.Lifeistooshorttodosomethingorbe withsomeonethatdoesnotbringyouhappinessinyourlife.Don'tworryabout appearancesorwhatothersmaythink. Itisultimatelyyourlifeandyourchoicenooneelse's. Don'tworryaboutfindinghappiness.Dowhatyoulikeforyourselfandyourlifeandyou willfindyourselftobeahappierperson.Sometimeswegetsoconsumedintryingtofind Happinessthatwhenwedon'tthinkwehaveitwebecomemoreunhappy.Ican'tstress enoughthathappinessisastateofmind.That'swhywecanfeelsadorhappybasedon ourstateofminds. Thereisnosuchthingasperfection.Soifyouaregauginghappinessbyperfectionthen yousadlymayneverbehappy.Happinessisabouttolerance.Nooneisperfect.Ifyoulearn toacceptpeopleandsituationsforwhattheyareyouwillfindyourselfalothappier.Ifyou refusetoletgooftheideaofperfectionthenpreparetoliveyourlifedisappointed, offendedattimesandlonely. Youdon'thavetoputupwithcrapthat'snotwhatIamtalkingaboutbutyoucanmoveon fromsituationsandpeoplethataren'tcuttingthemustardwithoutmakingitacatastrophe. Letgoandmoveonandliveyourlifetothefullest.Ifyoucareaboutsomeoneenoughyou willforgivetheirimperfectionsastheywillforgiveyours.

 Learnfromyourmistakes.Ifyoulearnwhatmadeyouunhappythenwhywouldyou continuallydothesamethings.Learnfromthemdon'tlivethemagain.Youdon'thaveto livewithmistakes,youmakethem,learnfromthem,growfromtheexperienceandmove on.Happinessisaboutgrowth.It' sinterestingbecausetobeneitherattachedordetachedisdevoidoffeelinglifetothe fullest.Theproblemisifyoudon'tfeelorgetattachedtosomethingsyouwon'texperience joyinthehumansense.Ifyoudisengagefromlivingyouloseboththegoodwiththebad. Soyouneedahappymedium. Inlifepainisinevitable,withoutitwecan'texperiencehappiness.Manypeoplebecome attachedtotheideaofbeingdetached. Happinessrequiresaction.Ifyouwanttobehappyyouhavetomakeitso.Andonceyou attainhappinessyouhavetokeeponworkingtokeepit.Happinessisbasedonpractice. Themoreyouincorporatethepracticingofthingspromotingyoursenseofhappinessthe happieryouwillbecome. Happinessislikemomentum.Justlikethelawofphysicsandphysicalinertia.Ittakesmore energyandforcetomoveanobjectthantoactuallykeepitmoving.Onceanobjectis movingitseasiertokeepgoing. Thefactisonceanobjectisinmovementittakesmoreforceandenergytostopthe momentumthantoletitkeepgoing.Soisthemindwiththestateofhappiness.Itmaytake aloteffortfromyouinthebeginningtogetyourmindinahappymode.Butonce,theidea ofhappinesssetsinandtakesoffafterawhileitwillbeeffortless. Infactitwilltakemoreenergytostopthehappinessthantokeepitgoing. Theotherthingthathelpswithhappinessistherolemodelswechoosetomodelour happinessby.Wehavetochoosepeoplewhowelookuptoandwanttobelikewhenwe thinkofhappinessandthepeoplewewanttoemulate. Rememberhappinessisfreedomnotmentalslavery.Neverunderestimatethepowerof mentalprogramming.Howdoyouthinkpeopledothingslikebecomesuicidebombers basedonanotionofgoingtotheultimateheavenbasedontheirsacrificeforeternal happiness.Mindprogrammingcansendpeopletowarsormakepeoplepeaceful.Freeyour mindforyourhappinessnooneelse's. Weareallproductsofsocialprogramming.Governments,media,educatorsandparents influenceusallthetime.Itsusedinadvertising,propagandaforvariousthingsasin churchesandschools.Weareallproductsofourenvironments.

Theytellushowwearesupposedtolookandhowwearesupposedtofeel.Inthisrespect weneedtodeprogramthenegativescriptsimposedonus.Wehavetorewritethescripts tosuitusinapositivefashionbasedonourownpersonalneeds.Thisdoesn'tmeanthat thereisnorightorwrong. Yes,ifyouhurtanotherbecauseitmakesyouhappyfornogoodreasonthenyouare wrong.Iamtalkingalongthelinesofpressuresputuponusthatwecannotliveuptoand itmakesusunhappy. Forexampleifyouarenevergoingtobeasize2thatshouldnotmakeyouwanttodie. Acceptwhoyouareandthenyouwillbehappyanyway.Iamtalkingaboutthosetypesof reprogramingmindsetsinrelationtothingssocietybombardsuswith. Likewisewhatweassociatewithmentallyalsocontributestoourstatesofhappiness. Advertisersknowthiswell.That'swhytheysetupthehappiestofconditionsintheir commercialsbasedonthepremiseofyouusingtheirproduct.Theyleadyoutobelieve thattheanswerstoyourhappinessisbasedonbuyingthatproduct.Sowiththisinmindif youarenothappythenyouneedtoconsiderchangingyourmentalassociationswithwhat ismakingyouunhappy.Theycouldbepeople,thingsorsituations. Happinessisapatternofthought.Itisbasedonapatternofbehaviorthatwerepeat.For instancehaveyounoticedthatpeoplepickthesametypeoffriendsoverandoveragainor repeatthesamemistakestimeandagain? Thisisbecausewearecreaturesofhabit.So,ifthehabitsarenotworkingforyouor makingyouunhappyyouhavetobreakthemandchangeyourmindset. Agoodthingtopracticeisassoonasyoustarttothinknegativeimmediatelyreplaceit withapositivethoughtinstead. Usuallyhappinessisbasedonadecision.Mostofthetimesbaddecisionsarebasedon misinformationorlackofinformation.Sowhenitcomesdowntomakingimportant decisionsthatwillaffectyourstateofhappinessyouneedtoaskyourselfdoyouhaveall theinformationtomakeagooddecision. Didyouvalidatetheinformation. Alwaysexaminetheevidenceaswellastakingtimetoevaluateyouractionsandreactions tomakesureitistherightdecisionforyou. Happinessisalsoopenmindedness.Whenyoulimityourselfbasedonprejudices, stereotypesornarrowthinkingyouareputtingyourselfinabox.Youmaymissouton somethingthatcouldbegreat.Alsohappinessisbasedongoodinstincts.Ifyoufeel somethingisn'trightthengowithyourgutfeeling.Don'tsellyourselfshort.Ifasituation

orpersondoesn'tfeelrightthendon'tdealwiththem.Thereissuchathingasredflagsif youseethemwavingitmeansturntheotherway.There'snothingwrongwithgoingina differentdirectiontosaveyourselffromadisasterinthemaking. Ifyouwanttobehappythenyoushouldsurroundyourselfwithhappypeople.Happiness rubsoff.Youshouldalwaystrytobefriendthosethatshowsupport,success,optimism,are cheerfulandgoodcompanytobearound.Thisdoesn'tmeanyoudropfriendsthatsuffera misfortuneorhardship. Quitethecontraryyourroleistoofferthemsupport.Iamsayingusegoodjudgmentand avoidthosepeoplewhoareharmfultoyourbeingandarenegativetoyouandyourstate ofhappiness. AsImentionedinearlierchaptershappinessisaboutgratitude.Ifyoustartbeingthankful forwhateverlittleyouhavethingswillstarttolookbettertoyou. Learntohavefun.Dothingsthatyouenjoyatleastonceaweekminimum.Ifyounever stopworkingitleadstomentalandphysicalexhaustion.Whenyougettiredandrundown itisanopeneddoorfordepressionandstress. Whenyoutakeabreakandrelaxyoureplenishyourbodyandmind.Thiskeepsyou healthyandenergizedwhichistherightstateforhappiness. AlthoughIhavenotspokeaboutmoneyinthisbooktoomuchIwouldliketomention moneynow.Povertydoesnotlenditsselftohappiness.Weknowthatit'sagivenfact.If youarestarvingorhomelessyoucannotbehappy.Youhavetoknowhowtoplanandtake careofwhatevermoneyyoudohave.Acomfortablelifeisahappylife.Youdon'thavetobe rollinginmoneybutitisnicetobeabletoaffordlife'slittleextras. Ifyoutakecareofyourmoneyitwilltakecareofyou.Weneedtoberealistic.Somepeople aremoresuccessfulthanothers.Thetruthiswhenapersonusuallyhasphenomenal successinonethingtherestoftheirlifeislacking.Theyusuallypayaheavypriceatthe expenseofanotherareaoftheirlife.It'sokaytopursueyourdreamsbutnotatthe expenseofnotbeinghappyandmissingoutonthingsbecauseofit.Ifthisisthecaseyou mayhavetoletgoofsomeunrealisticexpectationsattheexpenseofyourhappiness. Manytimesinordertobehappywehavetoadapttothechangesthatlifebringstous. Everythinginlifegoesthroughacycle,theseasons,themonths,plants,relationshipsyou nameit.Itsbettertoliveinthenow,andenjoythemomentforwhatitsworththangetting caughtupintheforeversyndrome.It'sunrealisticoroverromantictothinkthatnothing changesandstaysthesameforever.Ifyouareholdingyourhappinessbasedonthisyou willsurelysufferinthelongrun.

People,places,ideas,allthingschangeandgrowsometimestogetherandsometimesapart. Donotresentchange.It'sokaytofightforwhatyoubelieveinandwantbutunderstandif itsnotforyouthenletitgoandmoveon. Whenyoudon'tyoumissthebenefitsofthenextcyclethatistocome.Likewiselearnto sayyestothoseyouloveandcareaboutincludingyourself. Saynotothosepeopleandthingswhopressureyouandyourlifewithnofairreward.Try tobewisewhenyoudomakeyourchoicesbasedonanalysis;notblame,butwhatisreally thesituationathand. FinallyIhavetosaymanypeoplespendtheirtimewastinglivinginthemoment.Theytake thetimeathandforgrantedandthinkaboutregretsfromthepastandworriesaboutthe future.Theyforgethowtoenjoywhatisinfrontofthematthemoment. Andthenitstimewasted.Beinghappyisastateofmindthatgoeswithyoufromone momenttothenext.Timewaitsfornomanandneitherdoeshappiness.It'stherebutyou havetograbitwhileyoucan.

Chapter10:ConclusionAreYouReallyHappy?
Mostofthetimewelookfortheobvioustodetermineifapersonishappyorsad. Thetruthissomepeoplehavebeenlivinginunhappinesssolongthattheyforgotwhatits liketobehappyanymore.Ittakestheaverageadulthalfoftheiradultlifetimetoreally recognizetheirownunhappiness. Thisdoesnotincludepeoplewhohadmiserablechildhoodsorhavehadahistoryofabuse. Thosefallinthecategoryofobviousreason.Manytimesbythetimeapersonrealizesthey arenothappytheyareintheirlatemiddletoolderyears.Whenthisrealizationoccursin ourMidlifeweusuallyseeitmanifestasamidlifecrisis. Herearesomeofthesymptomsthatwemaynotevenrealizeispartofthecluesto unhappiness: 1. Beingobsessedwiththefactthatlifeisnotfair 2. Theoutlookonlifeisverynegativeasitistowardsothers.Theirfirstreactionto peoplewouldbetodoubtthemandassumetheworstaboutthem. 3. Unhappypeoplehavelowselfesteem,areverysensitiveasaresultandvery insecure 4. Therestandardsareridiculouslyhigh.Noonecanliveuptothemasfarastheyare concerned.Thisalsoincludesthemnotlivinguptotheirownstandard.Itcanbein relationtolooks,achievementsorethics. 5. Besidesbeingverycriticaltheyarealsooffendedatthedropofahat.Theysecretly criticizethemselvesanddosoaboutothersopenly. 6. Theytendtobehighlyargumentativebecausetheyhavetoalwaysberight. 7. Theyareselfrighteousandblameothersallthetimeforanythingthatgoeswrong. Thisisallthetime. 8. Theirhappinessisalwaysattachedorassociatedtoevents,thingsorothers.They vieweverythingintermsofstatusoracompetition.Thisincludeshowtheyview theirhomes,cars,partners,jobsandbankaccounts. 9. Theirsmilesaren'trealyoucanseeitintheireyesandtheirlaughsarenotheartfelt evenifloud. 10. Unhappypeopletendtoexaggeratenegativeevents.Theygetdepressedmore oftenthannormalanditlastsforlongerperiodsthanconsiderednormal. 11. Theirlanguageforthemostpartiscriticalandnegative. 12. Theytendtobelonely.Thisisbecauseoftheirnegativedispositionsand becausetheyhavetroublerelatingtoothersatadeeplevel. 13. Becausetheyarecontrolfreakstheyexhibithigherdegreesoffear,worry, stressoranger. 14. Duetothefactthattheyfocusontheirnegativeexperiencestheybecome

 Theaverageunhappypersondoesnotdisplayallofthesesymptoms.Iftheyweretoit wouldbeaseriousconditionthatwewouldbeaddressingandthepersonwouldprobably betotallydysfunctional. Ifyouarenothappythekeyistolookatalltheabovesymptomsandseejusthowmanyof themyoudisplay.Thenyouwouldlookatyourselfhonestlyandsaywhatisreallytheroot causeofyourunhappinessandwhatareyoudoingtoovercomeit.Lastlyhowcanyou improveyourlifesoyoucanbehappy. Herenowisachecklistofthecommonthoughtsandbehaviorcharacteristicsofahappy person: 1. Theaveragehappypersonisnotconcernedwithwhetherlifeisfairornotthey wanttomakethebestoflifeperiod 2. Happypeopletendtoviewlifeasanadventureratherthanatest.Ajourneyfullof funratherthananegotrip.Theyseethingsmorelikeagamethanacompetition. 3. Thesetypeofpeoplearenotsoattachedtofalseideasofperfectionintermsofimage orlifestyle.Theywanttolivelife,learnastheydo,anddevelopthemselvesandenjoy itastheydo. 4. Happypeoplearesecureintheirownskin.Otherpeople'sopinionsandeventsare notasimportanttothem.Likeeveryonetheyappreciateanicecomplimentbutthey donotseekexternalvalidationandnevercomparethemselvestootherstodefine theirownselfworth. 5. Peoplethatarehappytendtobelessjudgmentalofothers.Theycanbeopenand acceptingofothersincludingmoretolerantofotherpeoplesmistakes.Theydon'tget offendedatthedropofahatandarelesscriticalofothersandthemselvesingeneral. 6. Theyhavelessneedtocontroleventsandotherpeople.Whentheydousecontrolit isaconsciouslyplannedasopposedtoanobsessiveoremotionalreactiontothings. Theirneedtocontrolisnotanobsession. 7. Happypeoplehavemorepeace,courage,hopeandconfidence.Theyfeellessfear, anxiety,worry,stressorangerthanunhappypeople. 8. Peopleliketobearoundthembecauseoftheirrelaxeddemeanors.Theytendtobe lessinhibited,happy,spontaneousandfuntobearound. 9. Becauseoftheiropenmindedandpositivedispositiontheycaneasilyrelateto

emotionallyexhaustedandcanburnoutveryeasilywhenfacedwithacrisis. 15. Sincehumanbeingsarecreaturesofhabitsunhappypeopleareattractedto negativesituationssuchaswatchingtragedies,warandcourttelevisionprograms allthetime. 16. Beingunhappytheymissoutonlife'ssimplepleasures. 17. Theyengageinlesssexandiftheydoitsroutineusuallyvoidofsensual enjoyment. 18. Unhappypeopleusethingsofescapismtobehappylikeworkaholics,drug addicts,alcoholics,foodaddictionandengaginginmacobpractices.

 Nowjustasyoulookedatthefirstsetofguidelinestoseehowmanyyouhaveifyouare unhappydothesametoseehowmanyyouhaveasahappyperson.Thenextthingtoask yourselfifyoudohavesomeishowdoyoumaintaintheonesyouhaveandimprovethe qualityofhappinessyoualreadyhave. Therearethreetypesofpeopleinrelationtohappiness.Theyarethe:RW's,WR'sandthe RR's. RW'sarethepeoplewhodotheRightthingsfortheWrongreasons.Thesepeopleare successfulontheoutsidebutsadorunhappyinside.ThenyouhavetheWRpeople,theydo TheydoWrongthingsfortheRightreasons.WRpeoplehavegoodintentionsbutcause needlesssufferingtoothers.FinallywehavetheRRpeople. RR'sdotheRightthingsfortheRightreasons.Thesearethehappypeoplewhoenjoylife. Unfortunatelytherearen'tenoughRR's. Thereisnosuchthingasapainfreelife.Emotionalpainisavaluabletoolbecauseitserves asagaugetoletusknowthatwehavetoreexamineourenvironmentsandvalues.This doesnotincludethingswecannotcontrolinourlivesthesearesituationsweputourselves in. Painisusefultoletusknowthatwhatiscausingthepainhastobeeliminatedifwewant thepaintostop.Thisincludesthosethingswecanchangeifweareunhappy. Oursocietyisprogrammedforquickfixes.Manytimesinordertochangefroman unhappystatetoahappyonerequiresaprocessofchangethatstartswithourmindset. Yestherearemedicationsordrugsavailabletochangethechemicalsinourbrainand reducethestresstoinduceasenseofwellbeinginus.Butthesearenotpermanentcures. Thesearetemporary. Totrulyexperiencehappinesswehavetoundergochangeanddevelopmentwhichisa continuousprocess.

peopleandviceversa.Happypeoplecanbuildstrongrelationshipswithothers. Peoplearesupportiveofhappypeople. 10. Theyhavethecapacitytobesuccessfulforwhattheysetouttodobecause theydonotfocusonbeingpreoccupiedwithnegativeexperiences.Thishelpsthem withtheirmentalcapacityandenergylevelstosucceed. 11. Happypeopleareattachedtootherhappypeopleandsituations.Theywill watchacomedyoveramurder. 12. Happypeoplelovethesimplepleasures,theycanenjoyasunrise,agooddish, ajobwelldone,goodconversation,agoodnight'ssleep,loveandpassion. 13. Theyaregenerallymorecheerfulandlessdepressed.

 Inadditiontomindsethappinessisalsocontingentuponthechoiceswemakeintermsof valuesandlifestyles.Whenwemakethosechoicesworkforourliveswetendtobe happierpeopleinahappierstateofbeing. Ihopethatyoufoundtheentirebookenlighteninganduseful. Remember StayHappyAlways,

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