February 2013

The Monthly Rag

13 stories written by 13 writers after 13 beers
Inside This Issue:
Vagina Monologues Cancelled Due to problems with wet floors. pg OVUL-8 Colgate Makes Move To Fascist Dining Style, New Chef Coop Nazi Orders, No Coop for you! Campus life, pg 6 Bad Puns, pg 213 Campus Climate Survey concludes Colgate University is cold as balls. Senior just wants to get out of here already and says that he will probably just chill at home for a bit and eventually look for jobs. Student Spotlight, pg 13

Administration Registers Campus For ratemystudents.com

HAMILTON, NY Colgate University announced earlier last week that it will join scores of campuses across the nation in participating in using the hot new site ratemystudents.com. The site, which was put together last month in the aftermath of an MIT faculty pub, allows professors to rank students on a 1-5 scale in a number of criteria. Criteria vary across majors, but will include punctuality, reading comprehension, good handwriting, general writing and speaking ability, intellect, and, of course, hotness. In addition, professors may tag a student using Narcoleptic, Pretentious, Usually Drunk, and other specialized labels. The long term goal of the site, in the words of chief architect Subhmeet Fidhbakh, is to allow us [the faculty] to know what were in for each semester. I think its a wonderful system, explained chemistry professor William Nye. Every year, I get swamped with Drop/Add requests and I never know whos gonna be worth my time to pencil into class. Now I can look someone up, see that the bozo cant tell benzyl acetate from CH3COO-(CH2)2CH(CH3)2 and bam, I know to say no. No spacewasters to worry about. Other professors are taking a different approach to the site. [Continued on page 3]

Residential Life Promises Golden Age of Euphemisms

HAMILTON, NY Recently the Office of Residential Life teamed up with Colgates linguistics department to develop a new list of campus terminology. ResLifes decision to implement the term Community Leader, or CL, en lieu of Residential Advisor, or RA, inspired the general overhaul of campus phrasing. Greg Motts, director of ResLife, explained, Sometimes some words can be more specific than some other words so lets use words. Quickly following the switch from RA to CL was the transition from referring to Freshmen as First Years. Motts said the term Freshman connotes a negative stigma while the term First Year is fresh, fun, and informative. In a poll on the quad last week, when asked whether they would like to be called First Years or Freshmen, 95% of freshmen just shrugged and the other 5% continued Snap Chatting and ignored the reporter. The new lingo will gradually replace all the old jargon typically heard on campus. At least one hundred common campus words and phrases will be changed. Motts expects a full transition to the new lingo to be in effect by the upcoming fall semester. As the new terms are still under development, a full list has not been released. Motts did disclose, though, that the Colgate community can expect Frank Dining Hall to be called Frances Eatery and the word [Continued on page 2]

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[Reslife, from page 1] roommate to become Cohabitation Comrade. Downtown locations will also be affected by the changes. Nichols will become That One Bar, the Hourglass will become That Other Bar, and

The Jug will be known as Loves Graveyard. Students who fail to adhere to the language changes will face a punishment of up to three points on the Points Systemsoon to be known as the ResLife Revenge

Rubric. Staff and faculty who refuse to implement the new lingo will promptly be fired, or, in the new terminology, highly encouraged to pursue employment alternatives. Were just trying to make campus a more el-

egant, euphemistic place, Motts said in defense of the plan. The new vocabulary has been called ground-breaking and refreshing by university staff and what the hell is this and no, Im not doing that by students.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

My Fellow Students, It is my pleasure to present to you another issue of our illustrious publication. Between planning for my incipient, deportation, desperately courting Colgates women for green-card marriages, showing up to class, trying to earn my place in the Hour Glass Shot Club, and paying off various Campus Safety citations, I find it rewarding to take a little time off and tend to the Rag. Theres something meditative about it. Its like a Zen garden of dick jokes, and I find joy in picking out the best of them and bringing them to you, raw and uncut. This is my spiritual jouney, the flow of mirth coursing through my entire body, as each burst of political incorrectness surges forth, in rhythm with my breath. find a one-ness in all that weve done together. From pregaming the alcohol abuse brownbags to pretending to care when we ask each other about what were taking this semester, weve been there for each other. And thats what matters. Its that fleeting moment of unity and togetherness, a convergence of all our fears, our alcoholism, our frostbite; a sense of community and warmth in a deeply transformational and uncertain period of our lives. And, as a student of computer science and medieval literature, this togetherness is about as close as I can hope to come to having an actual date this month. So heres to you, community. You are my substitute for genuine human contact. I love you.

I take a moment to step back and realize that this isnt just about me and my pathological desire to never mature. Its about all of us coming together and laughing at ourselves before we are torn from Colgates beer-soaked bosom and thrust into the cold, uncaring world of

economic responsibility. A place where we cant just get drunk and pass out in a snowbank and just laugh it off. A place where we must take on the guise of sobriety at 9am, 5 days a week. And while, yes, that place is inevitable for us all, we can still find beauty in the moment. We can

Disclaimer: The Monthly Rag is a satirical newspaper. All material published herein is fictional, or at least the sort of truth that one keeps to themselves. All offense is to be taken with a grain of salt, especially since this publication is a low-sodium food. Contains some alcohol, high in fiber.

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Staff
Editor-in-Chief Slava Fedorchuk Executive Editors Monica Dutia Dan Matz Dan Swiecki Megan Radogna Submissions By: Dan Matz Dan Swiecki Slava Fedorchuk Megan Radogna Jake Lightman Ryan Gavigan Jes Marbacher Quincy Pierce Katie Avery Casey Sherman Stu Dent

[ratemystudents.com, from page 1] I like to structure my lectures around my students explains Johann Dmithatbier of the German Department. If I have many students, who, how you say in English, do the party, I keep lights dim, and talk slow. If many smoke the marijuana, I bring the bratwurst to class. Professor Dmithatbier aspires to achieve tenure within the year through glowing SET forms.

Reactions among students, however, are mixed. I mean, I always knew I was everyones favorite, but actually having my worth as a human being validated by a ranking system is really comforting said senior Troy Tuhard. Its a stupid system where people say stupid, untrue things. I do not have a hard time taking criticism! sobbed sophomore Nicole Zandimes between doses of adderral.

Senior Blossoms at Konosioni Ball

HAMILTON, NY Senior Levi Kurtzingler, pictured right, formerly a reclusive introvert, came into his own during the Konosioni Ball for seniors this past weekend, attendees of the event reported. Levi, a German international student, had only ever lived in a single, taken only independent study classes, and dined solely at the Edge. He was impossible to track down for an interview. Rebecca Shar, a senior in attendance at the ball, said, At first everyone was just like who the shit is that weird guy in the corner? No one had ever seen him before. All this changed when the DJ played PSYs Gangnam Style. He started doing the dance, and he could do it better than anybody. At first people were just staring with their jaws dropped, but by the third chorus of AYY SEXY LADY everyone was cheering for him. Rebecca added, we didnt know his name, so everyone just cheered Yeah!. It was kind of awkward, but he was so good that everyone just wanted to
Lost: Fake ID Found: Townie Boyfriend (Hes really sweet, I swear.)

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be his friend. As Levi ended his routine by striking the iconic PSY end pose, he was greeted with cheers and offers to pursue several different varieties of mating. However, he just looked up to the sky and seemed to fade away, his body becoming dust and drifting out through the windows of the Hall of Presidents. Says Rebecca, I heard the faintest whisper on the breeze. A whisper that seemed to say my purpose has been served in a German accent. And then he was gone. Well never forget him.
Lost: the ability to text Found: two forties and a roll of duct tape

Lost & Found

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Desperate Students Stake-out Willow Path, Preying on Hapless Passerbys

HAMILTON, NY A group of students calling themselves the Sirens have been seen clustered on Willow Path in the evenings, despite the cold, soliciting kisses from passers-by. These students, believers in the legend that a first kiss shared on Willow Path will lead to marriage, are staking out the Path in hopes of finally entering committed relationships. Look, said Morgan Cartland 13, who is widely considered to be the movement's leader, I'm an art history major, and the economy's still shitty. I'm just looking to meet someone in econ. I'll be a trophy wife! I don't even care. The group can generally be spotted on weekend evenings, regardless of the weather. Most will approach drunken students returning to their rooms and request just a small kiss. Others have taken to luring people from the Jug to Willow Path before kissing them. Some, like Cartland, are merely seeking a little financial security from the overwhelmingly wealthy student body. Others are just seeking companionship. Aaron Briggs 13, fall in and begin drowning, the Sirens offer rescue in exchange for a kiss. Between the alcohol and the hypothermia, its proving to be a winning tactic, remarked Cartland, an hungry smile stretching across her face. At least one senior has already had success in tying to secure a wife. This sophomore girl kissed me last week, exclaimed senior David Gregory, I don't really know her name, but we're practically betrothed!

reflects I'm like the only unattractive person here. This might be my only chance at getting a wife. Most members so far have unfortunately not found their future spouses yet. It's hard to find someone who hasn't already found a hook-up buddy for the night, Cartland remarked. Plus, it's too cold out now to flash a little cleavage. What are we supposed to do seduce

with our highly developed personalities? That was for admission. This is for the mission. Despite the low success rate, the group isn't giving up. They're in it for the long haul, claims Briggs. Some more dedicated members have taken to taking singing lessons, luring unsuspecting but curious students towards the treacherous ice of Taylor Lake. Once students

Twitter Highlights: The Best of Herbst

@HerbstyFullyLoaded SCALE OF 1-10 HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT SLICES RIGHT NOW???? @HerbstyFullyLoaded gr8 applicants 4 class!! #suitelyf #skyhigh @HerbstyFullyLoaded finish ur coop food, kidz in africa r starving!!!!! @HerbstyFullyLoaded #yolo #gatesome #iwilllive4ever @HerbstyFullyLoaded i hope @ ColgateSports wins in that event verses that other schools team!!! @HerbstyFullyLoaded srsly who changed the coop pizza???? : (

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Freshman Locks Herself in Chapel Cupola, Awaits Rescue by Hookup

HAMILTON, NY This past Thursday in an act of romantic valor, first-year Colgate student, Christie Knott, locked herself inside the chapel cupola where she remained selfimprisoned for two days. According to Knotts close friend and roommate, Danielle Sanders, It wasnt supposed to happen like that. When questioned, Knott revealed that her intention was not to come off as an ascetic masochist desperately seeking media attention. I dont even know what that means,

Public Service Announcement: Were Going Green, Were Going Electronic, Were Doing Delivery
The Monthly Rag has graciously been accepting $1000/ week subsidies from the University on the basis that we promised to Go Green. However, since we have recently been informed that putting green food coloring in our beer, buying various shades of forest-themed bodypaint, and cultivating an herb garden does not fulfill our commitment, were going the extra mile and making ourselves more available online. All copies of the Monthly Rag will be made available as PDF documents. Heres how you can get one: 1) Check out our Get Involved Page. 2) Email themonthlyrag13@gmail.com and say youd like to be on our subscription list. Well send em as we make em. 3) Go to http://www.scribd.com/TheMonthlyRag 4) Find us on iBooks (in progress)

said Knott. I just wanted to do that whole maidentrapped-in-a-tower thing with this guy Im totally in love with. Unfortunately, Knotts potential prince was a no-show, leaving her locked in the cupola with only three wine coolers and a box of flavored condoms to sustain her for the duration of her confinement. The couple met one night at Beta at around 2:16 A.M. and totally hooked up. Said Knott,

He never really talked or asked me my name, so I knew we had a spiritual connection. I texted him like thirty times to come save me. The text messages were mostly made up of various emojis shaped like churches, hearts, lipstick, kissy-faces, red question marks, and at least sixty crying faces. There were no text messages in reply. B&G saved Knott on the evening of the fifteenth, after complaints from chapelgoers of ghost-like moans and heavy footsteps coming from upstairs. When interviewed, Buildings and Grounds worker Sam Rogers said, Yeah, the idea of finding a ghost seemed pretty creepy at first. But this psycho really takes the cake. Knotts first love and only soul mate was not available for questioning. He was not available for a date to La Iguana this coming Friday, either.
single white male seeking same for brewskis, bromance independent study seeking graphic artist for project researching design history behind state ID cards. Must be willing, able to print replicas First year seeking culinarily experienced student for help with Frank waffle machines

Classifieds
Finance Club seeking voodoo priest for economic analysis. Contact gbusch@ colgate.edu for more information Modernity student looking for meaning in existence. Must be compatible with Nietzschean ethics

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Independent Study Reveals Patterns in Hamilton Weather

HAMILTON Sophomore Andrew Rogan has released the results of his semester-long independent study project, which found that Colgate is really really cold and that it has been this way for quite some time. But more interestingly, it turns out that this campus exhibits undeniable and eerily regular weather patterns. Rogan initialy set out to answer the daunting research question to what extent is Colgate an extremely cold place? Compiling extensive data from past records and from his own thermometer, he was able to form an almost inarguable thesis. The data speaks for itself , he wrote. There is a clear and unmistakable trend of stupidly cold weather. Like, the other day it was zero degrees outside. Zero degrees like, wow. Definitely colder than New York City Id say. Without a doubt. To supplement his raw numbers, Rogan developed a behavioral scale to measure temperature, which he termed the Covering Quotient (CQ). Rogan went outside and noted the proportion of students who walking around with hats on, and concluded that a significant amount of people wear hats to protect from the cold. The CQ did vary from day to day, a finding into which Rogan giddily suggested further research should investigate. Upon conducting more field studies, Rogan realized that there was much more pattern to the weather than

anyone could have ever guessed. Rogan found an interaction effect between temperature and time of day. For example, Rogan noted that coldness was significantly larger at nighttime than during the day. The trend was remarkably consistent. Along with this shortterm trend, Rogan found that Colgate tends to mysteriously get colder in the months of December, January and February, and gets considerably warmer around May or June. Its rare in research that you find such clear-cut patterns, said Rogan. I almost couldnt believe my eyes when I saw the numbers. Despite all this, Rogan was understandably a bit hesitant to release his findings. Some people definitely find my research controversial; theyre not comfortable with the frontiers Im shattering he remarked. But one thing is certain: Colgate is a really friggin cold place. Its a cold truth, tough to swallow, but you cant argue with numbers.

Career Services to Offer Specialized Programs For Those Non-Finance-Oriented Students

HAMILTON, NY As part of its updated programming, Colgates Center for Career Services recently announced upcoming workshops to prepare upperclassmen for the challenges that will await them after graduation. Weve recently made some big changes for students, including year-round Real World networking events and new programs for underclassmen like SophoMORE Connections, said Career Services Director Michael Sciola, but weve heard requests from students for more targeted career development workshops. The first new workshop series, Easy as Beans: Barista Basics, will offer multiple sessions with topics ranging from latte art and milk frothing to espresso machine repair. Order Up: Waitstaff Training 101 will teach students how to balance heavy trays in one hand and how to charm patrons into giving twenty percent tips. A special seminar will also be offered to introduce students to the latest technology of fast food cashier stations. Here at Career Services, Sciola said, its our job to ensure all our students are ready for the real world. Since about half of all recent college graduates are unemployed or underemployed, it makes sense for us to help students learn the skills they need to navigate this new job market and make the most of their careers. Listings for jobs at restaurant chains will soon be posted on naviGATE. The Career Services alumni networking website iCAN will also [Continued on next page]

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[Career Services, from page 6] be updated to include alumni contacts from popular employment spots such as Starbucks, Applebees, and Olive Garden. Sciola added, This will allow upperclassmen to connect with graduates in their same career path, if the grads arent too busy to respond. Career Services is also close to implementing another new workshop titled Going Home: An Unemployed International Students Step-By-Step Guide to Deportation. The program will come with free, compulsory van service to Syracuse airport.

In Wake of SGAs Success, SSDP To Also Offer Subsidized Trips

HAMILTON, NY After a recordbreaking jump in bus ticket sales last semester, largely attributed to SGAs subsidy efforts, other groups are now looking at ways to give students cheaper access to basic necessities. Leading this charge is Students for Sensible Drug Policy, a group dedicated to drug awareness and drug education through hands on immersion. Combining SGAs policy with the Barge Canals token system, SSDP has put together a proposal that will subsidize trips for interested students. SSDP proposes to distribute small, tradeable balls, known as Tripping Balls, to its members. Simultaneously, the initiative will provide financial assistance to participating local growers and distributers at all stages of their business. Thus, Tripping Balls, when presented to an SSDP recognized supplier, will provide their bearer with steep discounts on all products purchased. The $10,000 initiative will promote local business. Its good walking by that their hair looks silly, or that their teachers all wish they would drop their classes? That will teach those snide buffoons not to take DORAK lightly, yelled Finerty, while twirling his evil mustache. DORAM also plans to place messages in each students mailbox, detailing exactly how and why that specific person is terrible. Says Singler, We will be as mean as we need to be to get our point across; that point being that everyone is awful and can go jump off a cliff. for the students, its good for the town. claimed one SSDP member. The Universitys been all about that lately, I think. I read a snippet of something like that last time I was rolling up a Maroon News page for a joint joint effort... for, um, swatting a skunk that had broken into my room and unwrapped all these candy bars. Yeah sorry. Thats why it smells weird in here. Wait, are you gonna be printing all this? So far, the initiative is showing strong support from the administration. Well, it all started with something I overheard at a Thought Into Action meeting, reflected President Jeffery Herbst. A student mumbled something about promoting green energy and helping people love the Herbst. At least I think thats what he said. Plus apparently students get to go on amazing trips to really exotic locations. The point is, its something else to put into really vague, positive wording and slap on our flyers, so Im all for it.

DORAK: Its DORAM now.

HAMILTON, NY In a shocking announcement, members of DORAK, the Colgate University club whose name stands for Do Random Acts of Kindness, has decided to create a new group, DORAM (Do Random Acts of Malice). Senior Jackie Singler addressed the formation of this new society from a podium on the Chapel steps yesterday. I have spent the last three and a half years doing kind things for you people, and Im just about up to here, said Singler, raising her hand up to her head, indicating a high level of frustration. So now its time for DORAK to take our well-deserved revenge. DORAM Vice President Kyle Finerty 14 laid out plans for a new series of DORAM initiatives, many of which mirror those that DORAK had done over the last few years. Whos going to make fun of our chalk writing outside the Coop when, instead of saying positive, uplifting messages, it tells people

Response to the news of DORAMs creation from the student body was mixed. Sophomore Eric Reynolds called the move typical DORAK posturing, and claimed to be completely underwhelmed. As if they could ever pull off anything more than talking. Junior Sophie Winefield, DORAK member, was more ambivalent, saying, Do Random Acts of Kindness? I thought it was a group for Doing Random Art on the Kwad. Where else am I going to do that now?

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Special Feature: Dating Spots in Hamilton

HAMILTON, NYLove is in the air. And with love come dates. And with dates come the stress of finding the perfect spot to impress that special someone. Luckily, the Rag has combed Hamilton for its two finest romantic locations. Whether you like a flashy and impressive night on the town or you simply prefer taking that lucky lady or gent to a quiet and hidden gem, we have the place for you. So sit back, relax, and check out the options!

I. The Old Stone Jug

For those of you who want to take your date to a Hamilton classic and dont mind a little noise, we recommend the Old Stone Jug. Located on Utica Street, directly across from the Palace Theatre, this hot spot club is known for bringing even the two (or three, or four) least compatible people together. If youre looking for dinner, weve heard that they serve scrumptious hotdogs as well!

II. The Edge Cafe

If youre more of a quiet ro- thus it is the perfect quiet spot for mantic, Colgates The Edge Caf is you and your date. the perfect location. This gem is so carefully hidden that we couldnt even find it, but one student told us it is somewhere behind Drake or something. It has been rumored that The Edge has gone weeks without a single customer showing up,

III. Bonus! Post-Date Getaway in Lathrop

Here at the Rag, we realize that sometimes the best part of a romantic night is the post-date. And we have found the campus spot for you! We are proud to endorse Lathrop 207. A giant glass enclosed structure in the newly renovated Lathrop Hall may not seem to be the most private area, but a handy button located near the professors podium has been installed to completely fog up the windows (if you dont fog them up first!) We

wont demand a Titanic style hand pressed against the fogged window,

but well surely suggest it. Happy Valentines Day, Colgate.