Collection

Of
Humorous Short stories

By
STAR TREKKAR.

DEAR FRIENDS

I am forwarding this small book containing humorous short stories.

These all are written based on the real life incidents. And I strongly
Felt that these are worked as powerful medcine and give great releaf
From tensions.
Reading of these stories gives great pleasure.

For future updates from this writer visit:http://startrekker.rediffiland.com

KIRAN.

MY DAD'S NEWS
Do you want to know what is my dad’s obsession when he is not working and
‘relaxing’ at home?

I will..even if you are not interested.,because I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

WAHHHHHHH

Ok..my dad watches NEWS on televison. His obsession I must say.. whatz wrong with
that,you may ask..

Isn’t it good for people to know what is happening around the world? You may
think..

But what if watching news about the world takes over your world?

Look at his daily schedule of News obsession and you will know what I’m taking
about..

IST NEWS CHANNEL

5 AM TIMES NOW NEWS

7AM CBN IBN NEWS

8AM TV 9 TELUGU NEWS

9:30 AM ETV 11 NEWS

10 AM NDTV NEWS

12 AM TIMES NOW NEWS

1PM GEMINI NEWS

3PM TV 5 NEWS

5PM CNN IBN

7 PM TV 9 NEWS

9 PM TIMES NOW
( DREAMS- OF NEWS ..im sure..because he stays awake at times( insomanic) around 3
am watching news again..)
when current is off he switches on his mini pc for news on rediff...how can I
forget the sanskrit news he tunes into, on the aakashvani... or sometimes he
catches up with the news for the hearing impaired..guess he is trying to learn the
sign language for reasons best known to him...

Early morning I hardly need to switch on the tv or read the news paper because my
dad repeats to me everything he remembers from the previous day..even if I
protested and screamed my lungs out…NOOOOOOOOOO…

I tried to plug my ears with cotton..that never works..tried to put on ear phones
and let music seep in..but that didn’t work either..because he gets annoyed if he
sees that…

( he was the first one to tell me about Kareena’s break up with Shahid…then her
make up with Saif and then saif’s tattoo saying ‘kareena’…and then also their
‘rumoured’ marriage..) HAHAHA….GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!

Sometimes I try to lock myself in the loo till his 9 am news schedule starts for
the day ..cant help it! Hehehehe..

I know why for the past few days I’m eating charred food…My mom is a victim now of
my dad’s news repetitions..ohhhhhh..nooooooo..poor mom!!!

But you know what??? I have my own tv set in my room and I’m having my own
obsession with the Tv and it is of watching HORROR SHOWS
Channel horror show

STAR ONE SHHH..PHIR KOI HAI

SONY KHAUFNAKK

ZEE ZEE HORROR SHOW

GEMINI DRACULA

DISCOVERY THE HAUNTING…

The list is increasing by the day…I’m just like my dad…(it’s in the genes)..

HAHAHAHA….

http://startrekker.rediffiland.com

MY PATIENT WOES
As I ( the dentist) sat in my clinic ready for the day’s patients,a very cheerful
lady walked into the clinic.

AHAA..I remember her now...

THE FLASH BACK….

She came to me with a severe tooth ache and a dangerously high Blood pressure,few
months back.With such high levels of blood pressure, decayed tooth removal cannot
be done.

I asked her about any stress factor she might be having and she sobbed her heart
out telling me that she had a ‘she devil’ mom in law that led to her constant
brooding.
Well….that explains her condition!

As any responsible doc would,I started to counsel her on stress relieving

techniques that I knew, apart from medication.

Here is what I told her…

‘Start your day with Surya Namaskar…After that sit with your legs folded in a
padma asana..I started demonstrating to the amused patient…she must have never
seen a dentist do it..hehe

Keep your back straight..close your eyes..keep hands in japa mudra and breathe in
slowly..inhaaaaaaaaaale..and then exhaaaaaaale slowly ..

Take your hand and close one nostril…breathe in through one nostril and exhale
through the other…by now the patient seemed bewildered by the complexity of the
process.

She tried but wasn’t successful as she basically wasn’t able to breathe when she
did it..phew!!!

I assured her that it wasn’t hard..It was basic Yoga technique.Anyway she could
try the meditation technique instead that I learned during my college days.

So Here goes…

“Sit in a quiet room with your back straight and close your eyes..Now concentrate
on your breath..you can hear the oxygen going through your system and the blood
corpuscles embracing them…and then say OM…OM..OM….OM..

Feeeeel the divine rhythm in your body.

You can then imagine that your aatma is floating and travelling through space...
you shall experience such tranquility!!!..SHANTI...SHANTI ..SHANTI…

After this you can relax in shavasana position..like a corpse..lie on the ground
and keep your body loose...imitate a dead person..this is for cooling down.” I
demonstrated to her.

This time the patient looked rather worried...her eye brows arched on her
forehead.
She thanked me and left in a hurry assuring me that she would follow atleast one
of my techniques for sure.

IN THE PRESENT..

‘well..your BP is normal a perfect 120/80.I guess you followed the techniques..Am

I right? " I asked her.

‘No doc..My she devil mom in law died ,..she is in hell now.! That solved the BP
problem..thanks for the demonstrations anyway’ she replied to a very foolish
looking me.

All my demonstrations went in vain? I feel stressed ..My BP is shooting

up..ohhh..noooooo!!!!

I think I need to meditate now…OM SHANTI SHANTI…

 My curly curly locks

I always loved curls…curls that are so curly..that cascade down the heads of lil
girls like springs and noodles and bounce every time they hop hop hop in their lil
pretty dresses.

Curls give so much beauty to the face.They remind me of whacko Jacko and models
like Kamal sidhu and then of course my lovely mom whose lovely curls dance in the
gentle breeze making me envy them, for I have none.I have straight hair like
Bambino blades sooo straight….soo ex-pressionless..so boring like my dad’s who is
already bald now..wahhhhhh..

I often look at my mom brushing her hair in the mirror and asked her why I didn’t
have such beautiful locks.Then just to get a good feel I always take some of her
hair and try to place it on my head and look at myself in the mirror and think
wow!! How lovely I would have looked with such curls…what bad luck I have none.!

Mom always told me that curly hair is unmanageable and she hated it and that she
prayed to the God’s that her baby girl be born with straight hair.. and so the
God’s heard her prayers I guess…I was born with this starch stiff ,always in
attention straight hair..ohhh… sooo boring!!

Unable to see my unhappy face,my mom took me to the hair saloon just to curl my
hair.That hair lady convinced me that by the time I got out of her chair I would
be ‘blessed’ with lovely curls.I waited and waited patiently while the
‘beautician’ took strands of my hair and dosed them with some stinky lotions and
turned them around hair rods..this technique was supposed to PERM my
hair..whatever that meant…but when I looked at myself in the mirror after the
procedure,..I was shocked as my once straight hair looked like a messed up jungle
now!..As the hair dried, the ‘jungle’ on my head grew bigger and bigger till it
looked like I had a crown of thorny shrubs on my head..wahhhhhhh…

I couldn’t face my friends in school and I cried and cried and cried…..Finally I
trimmed the ‘jungle’ off and I never tried curling again..
Now my hair falls like Autumn leaves..may be I’ll soon become bald( it’s in my
family)..poor me…atleast I hope to get a good curly wig so that I can look pretty
like my mom..hehehe..
 THE BRIDE'S PARTY

Being a bride can be very stressful when the Wedding day arrives but it is even
more stressful being a part of the Bride’s party…so many arrangements to take care
off...so much to bear!

It was the day of my sister’s wedding(a typical southie wedding that is) and we
were so anxious regarding all the necessary preparations…they must be ‘PERFECT’ or
the groom’s party would get annoyed.

From the catering to the seating...from the flower arrangements to the welcoming
ceremony...everything must be ‘PERFECT.’...and not to forget, capturing the
memorable event on video and photographs…. and so they were arranged from the
groom’s side but of course we PAY for it too.

And these ‘pros’ moved around clicking people’s faces or shooting them making them
uneasy…they moved with such precision with their gear and wires that I almost
tripped trying to cross one..tch..tch..

Well I tried to ‘POSE’ for them so that I could come up with a ‘portfolio’ like
pic of mine so that some guy gets ‘impressed ‘upon seeing it in
future...Hehe...but they don’t seem to be interested in clicking me...hmmmm…
annoying!!!

Then there was the melodious orchestra playing the typical Carnatic music
compositions of Thyagaraja that wafted through the hall soothing and pleasing to
the ear!!

Everything looked soo perfect till my sister's (the US returned bride) artificial
flower laden plait that was stitched meticulously to her short hair just came
off.when she was arriving at the mandap….ohhhhhhh..NOOOOOO...what timing!!!
Not only that the 'Mangalasutra' was left by my mom in the hotel room itself!!
phew!!!

After hours and hours of mantras finally the ‘Shubh Muhurat’ arrived. The priest
signaled to the Traditional orchestra band and then the drums went….’DHAN DHAN
DHAN...in all frenzies…and the Nadaswara went PIEEEE...PIEEEE PIEEEE...in all
shrieks!!!

It was more like the world coming to end kinds…this was to signal to the people
and heavens that the ‘shubh Muhurat ‘had indeed come...

Before we knew what was happening, the Videographers with their assistants holding
lights and then the photographers zoomed into the scene like PAPARAZZI...literally
pushing us behind...
My aunt was almost elbowed to the ground and she fumed abuses at the
videographer.. “YOU @#$$%**()” in the ethnic village sort of way that was hard to
the ears….hehe

I on the other hand could see only the backs of these ‘paparazzi’ covering the
entire scene…and felt it was wise to help my aunt to her feet first…hahaha

My dad being short by stature got onto a stool nearby and was extending his neck(
like a Giraffe in the African safari trying to reach for the top most tender
shoots).. to get a ‘glimpse’ of his baby girl getting married...…mom was too
emotional to understand what was happening….she had tears in her eyes that covered
her vision anyway…
I felt like I was in the middle of a thunderstorm…the loud thunderous drums DHAN
DHAN DHAN on one side....the shrieking pipes that sounded like shrieking birds
fleeing the storm and of course the flashes from the PAPARAZZI (photographers).
That reminded me of thunderbolts….hahaha...my aunt fuming and abusing on one
side...my mom getting senti on the other…wahhhhhhh...

It almost took me 20 min to see my sister and bro in law after the ‘shubh Muhurat’
married and smiling...
Finally tired from the ‘ordeal’ I reached the dining venue. It looked like a sea
of humanity present there already jostling towards the sumptuous array of dishes..
The glass plate was so heavy that I couldn’t hold it....there were no chairs to
sit as it was a buffet and my legs ached! Phew!!!

It looked more like the ‘survival of the fittest’ here…How the hell would I manage
to reach the food, I thought..

I couldn’t push my way through so I managed to have an ice cream and chilled off…
poor me!!! Wahhhhhhhh

Last but not the least. The marriage album arrived after a few days and I was so
eager to see how I looked in the pics…Gorgoeus perhaps??

As I turned the album all I could see was the Bridegroom’s family and
friends....Hardly any pics of us...yeah...I think I can see my hand in one
pic...that’s my forehead in another…..hmmm…My saree pallu in the other...how
shocking!!! How rude!!!! Wahhhhhh…

The marriage season has once again arrived knocking at the door with lots of
marriage invitations...well...i think I’ll give them a miss and just write this
blog!!! Hahaha

My Temptation
The word ‘Temptation’ can be sinful..It reminds me of Adam and Eve and their
temptation that angered God…Satan tries to ‘tempt’ you to do evil things…be sinful
and then you are Hell bound..…
Ok….so I am also Human and I have been ‘tempted’…tempted by FOOD…my sinful taste
buds so used to savouring sumptous foods that the result of which is I do not like
who looks at me from my mirror…aaaaaaaarrrrgh…awful!!!

How the hell do these anorexic models and toned bodied actresses resist
temptation?? If they can do it…so can I..so it was decided by me that I would
strictly follow a diet regime apart from hours of exercising.
For inspiration I cut out pics of great figured beauties ranging from Pretty
Preity to marvellous Mallika…From Claudia to Naomi and then pasted them on my
walls…

yes!!! I am going to have a great figure like them…

Then also for further inspiration I read the story of Tenzing Norgay who reached
Mt.everest…aha!!! what determination…what will power!!
I may not reach the peak but I can be inspired from his story to achieve my goal!!

I announced to my family that I would just be eating salads,skimmed milk and wheat
grains from now on.The very first morning I woke up and looked at my
‘inspirations’ pasted on my wall….then headed for breakfast… I had my salads and
skimmed milk…but what do I smell??

The smell of buttered Gobi paratas wafted through the kitchen door…sizzzzzzzzle…I
just peeped through the window and to my dismay I found mom sizzling those lovely
golden brown paratas with butter and then she made some fresh Pudina chutney to go
with it…and also dollops of fresh thick fatty curd…yumm..yummm…wahhhhhhh…
I was TEMPTED!!

Lunch time soon arrived and I had another bowl of salad, thin oil less leather
like rotis that I chewed with great difficulty.Guests arrived for lunch and it was
time for mom to put her culinary skills to full force…what a feast it was!!!…
Mixed veg rice garnished with cashewnuts ,Malai Koftas in cream,The typical South
Indian spiced Brinjal swimming in fatty oil,Gajar Ka halwa and on and on…
NOOOOOOOOO…A cholesterol delight…Fiesta of Triglycerides!!! How unhealthy…well….
how can they do this to me???..wahhhhhhhh…

The guests applauded my goal and wished me all the best while they feasted on the
delicacies…I was TEMPTED!!
I was sooooo hurt that I thought I would take a walk in the fresh air and hoped it
would do some good and keep me’inspired’ and focused towards my goal.

As I reached the corner of the road, almost evening time ,I saw people feasting on
pani puri’s at one mobile stand and samosas and ragadas at the other..ohhhh…nooo..
Don’t they ever think about dieting?? Ahhhh…
I saw familes and friends devouring huge pizzas and burgers at the local joint
while kids raced the parks with their hands dripping with icecream..
NOOOOO…I was TEMPTED!!

I headed back home with a heavy heart and slept just drinking a glass of water….I
was instantly transported to dreamland…I dreamt the same dream that I dreamed a
100 times before… where I was Cinderella going to the ball but this time ‘Me’ the
Cinderella didn’t notice the ‘Prince Charming’..I headed straight to the dining
hall and started devouring the delicious array of dishes much to the horror of the
Prince…I even told him not to disturb me and that he can dance with my silly step
sisters both at the same time…How rude!!!

What a nightmare!! I woke up perspiring…I had tears in my eyes…I had enough!!!

Enough is enough..this is my life..I will do what I want……

My people were zzzzzzz… so I slowly tiptoed into the kitchen opened the fridge and
gobbled up all the delicacies that were still left…what a Glutton!!!
I tore down my inspirations from the wall…didn’t want to think about Everest….
felt better…Much better… much much better….I think I like the one who looks at me
from my mirror…love her( atleast for now..)…..zzzzzzzzzzzz

I was ‘tempted’..I sinned…

THE NOSE TALE

I happened to visit a jeweller’s shop one (not so fine) day. After some major
purchases from my people, the owner of the shop was obviously richer than before
but he was greedy for more….
He was thinking of ways and means to make our purses more empty and just then he
noticed my NOSE.
My nose that is small and stout (cannot be called a beautiful Roman nose at all)
but still I loved it because it has been with me since my eyes opened to this
world and it suffered every cold I ever had in my life time…

‘Behenji..Your nose does not have a ring or a stud..Won’t you like to buy one from
us? We will get your nose pierced for free!’ said the greedy jeweller.

Piercing my nose...ohh…Goddd!!

All eyes turned towards me and my mom insisted I get it done immediately….the
primitive way. A copper wire would be sharpened and then pierced and turned into
my nose...

‘Ohh...nooo…not me!! Ahan...I refused...just the thought made my hands turn cold!!

I loved nose rings but the thought of primitive piercing sccccared me and to make
matters worse the jeweller told me that it was a pity that a ‘Big’ girl like me
would be scared of such ‘small’ pain..

I know ..I know…he just wanted to sell that diamond. I wish I could pierce his
nose instead!! I fumed...grrrrrrrrrr!!!

After I came back the thought of having that sparkling diamond on my not so pretty
nose kept lingering on my mind.

I decided to take it as a challenge…a challenge for my nose and my spirit...this

was testing time for me…I decided to get it pierced… so off I went to the
jeweller’s shop but not without dabbing some anesthetic on my nose..

The jeweller was so happy to see me and he came towards me with his sharpened
copper wire…..he looked like a hell’s messenger coming towards me to torture me
for my sins…ohh Godd!!!…I clenched my cold and sweaty hands and prayed to God like
I never did before..

“ God!! ..Please...please...Forgive my sins!!!”

A small prick and a second later..It was all done (thanks to my anesthetic)
I had to keep the wire for a few days till my nose gets used to it. Whatever…I was
glad it was done but little did I know the worse was yet to come…...........

Soon enough my nose that was to be adorned by the diamond turned ruby red instead.
As the effect of anesthesia wore off, the pain gradually increased.
Soon my nose grew bigger and bigger and turned deep red till I looked like a clown
from the Bombay circus. God have mercy!!

I howled with pain…cried and cursed that Jeweller...couldn't go out in public nor
I could see myself in the mirror…I moved around like a masked ninja covering my
nose.

At last I visited the ‘nose doc’ (ENT specialist)...The gracious lady doc assured
me that it was just the ‘rejection’ phenomena the nose was undergoing…It was
trying to push away the foreign object...It’s defences are fighting the
‘intruder’…ehhh??..Whatever...

A ton of antibiotics and analgesics later after a whole month my nose returned to
normalcy and the diamond stood in the place of the wire as a testimony to the
fight that my dear nose put up.

How brave it is to have endured soo much PAIN !!

Now my nose glitters with a sparkling diamond displaying a spectrum of vivid

colours whenever the sun rays kiss it and not only that.. now my once upon a time
ugly stout nose is the owner’s pride and the neighbour’s envy…

I DEDICATE this song to my dear nose from the movie 'partner'

Baliye de mukhde pe dil lalchave

laungda pe lashkara jan lena jaave
Dheke bina dheke tenu raha bina jaave
Roop salona tere sono changdaaa..

But I would always love my nose with or without that heavy stone…whether it is
stout or chiselled….I value it even more now for all the pain it endured.
I Love you nose with all my heart!!! HAHAHA..
 COUSIN PHOREN WALA
So it was the day when my cousin who was born and brought up in the US and was
doing a stint in translation in Taiwan was coming to India to seek his roots…
Preparations were in full swing to welcome him and give him the ‘taste’ of
India...the colourful land of the spirituals, yogis and definitely the sacred
Cow…the Go Mata.

So the bisleri bottles were bought…the cobwebs removed and the entire house made
perfect dust free and germ free so that the guest from the US ( the phoren walas
do not generally have immunity to the bacteria here) does not fall sick…

'atthi devoo bhava' as they say…it’s our duty to take care of our guests who are
revered in India as Gods!!

Well..So now it was the turn to decide the menu for the dinner. My mom was over
excited to serve my cousin the best of the best traditional southie dishes...show
off her culinary skills so she jotted out a lengthy list of dishes…There would be
a sumptuous spread of Dahi wadas,yellow spiced rice,Brinjal masala, mixed
vegetable spicy curry,sambhar,papads,Mango dal,a whole range of Andhra pickles.
Salads and the list would go on and on…Phew!!!

‘Mom do you think this cousin will like to eat all this?? You know he grew up like
a phoren wala!’ said I

‘That is why he should taste the traditional south Indian Brahmin dishes that I
will cook for him…he is coming to know India..Isnt he??’ justified mom.

So the menu was set and the Cousin Taiwan se landed .After exchanging the initial
pleasanteries,he looked outside the gate and just happened to see a lazy cow
grazing away.He dashed to get his camera and ran out of the house to see the cow.

‘wow..we never get to see cows on the road’ he said excitedly and started clicking
snaps of the now bewildered cow.Front shot…side shot…back shot with
tail..snap..snap..snap…click..click..

Now the cow started mooing…mooooooo and slowly started walking away from the
intruder while my cousin,the intruder kept following it.I was scared that the cow
would get annoyed and charge at him but then,it didn’t…the rickshaw walas ,shop
keepers and my nosey neighbours looked curiously and started laughing…

What a scene I must say…the cow heading in front..my Taiwan bhaiiya behind it
clicking snaps and I following him…quiet embarrassed!!!!..hahaha

‘arree..bhaiiya ..plzzzz wapas aajayo..’ I brought him back finally…phew!!!

Now it was the turn of the crows..he was so fascinated by the Indian crows.he took
some more snaps of them…and as luck would have it a beggar came up to the door way
seeking alms..

“ wow!! The Indian beggar..i’ll take a few snaps of him…and he did... the beggar
nicely posed for him…Front shot..back shot ..side shots..snap snap ..click..click…
and in return we had to give him the beggar, a100 bucks for the exclusive
portfolio session..tch..tch....my phoren cousin sure made the beggar’s day…and the
beggar happily promised him that when ever my cousin wanted him to pose he would
land with his entire clan in front of our door step…’goooooooddddddd!!! I hope
Hijdas don’t turn up now;…I kept my fingers crossed.

This cousin was sure getting on my nerves….

Dinner time arrived and dinner was served..It was sure a delicious spread and I
was dying to try my mom’s culinary delights at once…yummm…they looked mouth
watering!!

Mom served a little of all the dishes on to my cousin’s plate and he looked at
them amused! He dashed to get his camera and after some more snaps of the dishes
he settled down…

‘Well aunty, I cant eat all this stuff ...can you just make French fries for me…
and do get me some Tomato ketchup to go with it…in the meanwhile I’ll have some
coke’ my cousin quipped that made my mom’s face go paleeeee…so much for all the
hours she spent in the kitchen…poor maaa!!

‘What the hell!!!...the Dahi wadas looked at me pitifully…I was already

starving......

‘You know what!! In Taiwan I love to have Octopus and electric rays and squids…
they make it so well there…salted..deep fried and in olive oil..sooooooooo yummy…
next time you come there you must try them’ my cousin said..

The tentacled octopus…the ink jetting squids..the dangerous electric rays ka

kichdi..…goooooooodddd!! hey bhagwannnn...........yeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!

My poor mom left the room after hearing this…the traditional orthodox southie lady
that she was.

‘Dear cousin I think we are happy with Dahi wadas and pickles here…I don’t think I
would want to try them’ I replied rather bluntly.

After the French fries he had..it was time to say our good byes.

‘India is strange…full of pollution..beggars..cows on streets and amusing dishes…I

will surely show all these snaps to my American friends to show how strange this
place is’ he laughed sarcastically.

I at once dashed to my room and got my camera and said,

‘ wait!! Let me also take a snap of you to show my Indian friends…India doesn’t
make weird people like you anymore....’ I laughed sarcastically looking at the now
grumpy face of my cousin..Phoren wala….click…click...snap...snap...
Front view…back view and side views…..hahahahaha
Grandma's magic potions

My sweet granny was an enthusiastic lady.Married early, in the long gone days of
Child marriages,she could study only up to the 5th grade but her zeal to acquire
knowledge,be financially independent like a today’s woman and help others like
her grandpa drove her to make ‘magic potions’As a young girl she often saw her
grandpa make potions that healed many and quickly learnt how to recognize forest
herbs and from then on till her last days she made remarkable curatives.Be it a
medicine for a tummy ache or herbal oil to make your hair grow lustrous and
long,she made them all.Granny had great memory and would often go to the nearby
woods taking me along and got me acquainted to the world of herbs.
"Look!! that’s a brahmi..good for the hair and brain
That’s the neela herb!!…this is Naga bala and this is vidarikanda.for strength and
skin glow"..she pointed them out to me.
She meticulously collected the exotic herbs and grew some in our garden too .Some
she would buy from the local Herb store and then add,mix,boil,strain..she would
make her magic potions and oils.These potions actually worked wonders and she soon
had a good number of people buying her granny hair oil though it failed to grow
hair on baldies.
I remember once when a centipede bit me on my leg ‘ouch’in the middle of the night
.With no docs available at that time,my granny came to the rescue.She mixed and
boiled some ‘magic potion’ and uttered a few mantras into it.she then made me
drink it.After that she brought a candle near the bite and made it feel the warmth
of the candle…continuously uttering the divine mantras…and lo presto!!! I could
see some liquid bubbling out of the bite…
‘That’s the poison..its come out and now you will be ok’,she said…and yes I was!!
Sometimes her remedies made me roll in laughter like the one in which a lady came
to her complaining of her flat chest and she told granny that she wanted a
bootylicious figure,
Well…granny never says NO to anyone..so she got to work peering through her
ancient herbal books ,collecting herbs…mix,boil and then the ‘magic potion’ was
ready…of course it didn’t work but atleast she tried!

Be it stories about the Bharadwaj bird that supposedly has the sanjeevani booti of
youth in her nest or the leaves that help turn metal into gold..she told them with
such conviction that I actually believed them..may be they really exist….I hope to
find them some day ’..now my mom’s taken after granny and is busy making potions
..soon I will be making them. ..

GRANDMA HOLMES
My granny not only made magic herbal potions that worked as wonderful curatives
but she also read a lot. Though she didn’t have a high school education and was
married off early way back in the 1930’s...she quickly self learnt a lot of useful
things by getting hold of books. Whether it was about Astrology
,philosophy,politics,film reviews,cookery or gardening she read them all with
great fervour… and the most favourite topic she liked to read was detective and
treasure hunt episodes from the local monthly magazine.

I still remember her narrating an adventure episode where an expedition sets out
to discover a hidden treasure some where in the depths of a terrifying jungle and
mind you that treasure is protected by the all powerful mighty white serpent
called the swetha nag adorned with the sparkling Nagamani on it’s fearsome head
and his many associate serpents that help protect the bounty. She narrated the
stories so well that I bet she could have actually directed the script into a
block buster movie.

While the scary Swetha Nag started occupying my thoughts, my dad discovered a
snake crawling in the garden .The local tribal expert snake charmer was soon
called and he started playing that unique snake hypnotizing music. It reminded me
of ‘lotus eaters’ who hypnotized the mighty Ulysses. Soon enough a huge cobra was
caught and the guy well rewarded for it…but then very soon two more appeared and
more and more…

It was raining snakes…..

No one knew why the snakes were pouring in and from where…the snake charmers
managed to extract one from behind my almirah and one from a crack in the bath
tub…phew!!!..Unbelievable!!!...

Soon word spread and people flocked to see the ‘Snake house’.

I thought it was the doing of the fearsome Swetha Nag and his associates and
perhaps there was some treasure in my garden.

My dynamic granny decided to take up the case and she took her plunge into the
scene.

One early dark misty morning she tip toed into the garden quietly and started
looking for clues.

She heard muffled voices at a distance and saw two men with a gunny bag in their
hands trying to drop something into the garden from it. The mysterious men dropped
a drugged harmless snake into the garden and fled the scene…Grandma Holmes who was
hiding behind the bushes, could recognize them as the snake charmers and then we
in turn alerted the cops.

The cops soon arrived on the scene and went in disguise to the snake charmer's
house on the pretext of getting a snake caught by them...The snake charmers were
then brought right to the police station and were given a good thrashing ....the
cops thanked Grandma Holmes for solving 'The case of the raining snakes’ !!
Well... we were all proud of Granny Holmes and we always called her that from that
day onwards..…but I was just strolling in the garden today and found a shimmering
ancient coin peeping from the garden soil…could it be a sample of a huge treasure
trove hidden here, protected by the Fearsome Swetha Nag and his crawly creepy
associates...?

'Me' star trekker Watson got to report to Grandma Holmes STAT!! till then dear
Frez... take care!!!

The love chutney

I was watching this cookery show the other day that promised to treat it’s viewers
to some ‘variety’ dishes.I was eagerly waiting with a note book to jot down the
recipe ingredients.

The anchor introduced the lady cooking for the day and the camera zoomed in on the
ingredients for the ‘variety chutney’ of the day that consisted of sesame
seeds,tadka stuff( chillies,cumin,Jeera..etc etc) and then HOLD, What do I see
there?
A plate full of aromatic roses ( not the perfumeless Dutch ones )..Perhaps it is
for decoration I thought.

Seconds later the cooking lady revealed that she was making chutney out of
roses..Valentine special???

WHAT??? GOSH…

We have heard people making gulkand,sweets and use Rose essence in dishes but this
was too much.
As I watched in amusement the eccentric lady cook started to rip those delicate
petals and fry them in oil..she tossed and turned them in a hot pan till they lost
their lovely red colour.She then harassed them with a whole lot of ingredients
mentioned above and then as if it was not enough,she grinded them in a
mixieeeeee..ohhhhhhh..poor things!

And then to the paste she added tadka and VOILA! The romantic roses ka “love’
chutney was ready to be served..

But wait…..

Before the anchor could taste the chutney,the pagal lady cook added that this
would act as a good laxative..you will be cured of constipation FOREVER!!!

YEAH…..SURE….if valentine couples would eat this they would take turns to go to
the loo the whole night..hehehe..

The anchor couldn’t gulp the chutney down after hearing this and instead declared
the variety cooking show was over for the day…HAHAHA..

I request all the cookery show people on TV to spare viewers from such variety
experiments.Love can be expressed in many ways and definitely not by making your
partner eat such ‘LOVE’ chutneys..or rather ‘LAXATIVE’ chutneys..hehehe

Spare the roses and don’t spoil your tummies friends…hehehe

The Bhajan Mandali

The Bhajan mandali congregated in a house to celebrate the Navaratri
celebrations.The house was completely decorated with flowers and the podium was
grandly done up with exquisite floral arrangements and the picture of Mata was
placed on a silver throne decked with huge and heavy garlands.

Sherawali Mata arrived on her ‘sheru’ the roaring tiger, she went into the
picture and was eager to accept the prayers and bless her devotees.

The ladies arrived one by one and sat near the podium all decked up in heavy
jewellery and rich sarees.

Lady1- ‘You know we would have done the decorations better..that garland is not
grand enough!’

Lady 2 -‘ You know yesterday’s puja was in Meenakshi’s house.It was so small.Her
husband is just a watchman you see..No decorations at all..how the goddess will be
pleased?’

Just then the invocation and Ganesh vandana began..After a few minutes…

Lady 3 to lady 2-“ Did you see my new saree?..I bought it yesterday at the latest
mall that opened in the city!”

Lady 2 to lady 1 “ Such a big show off she is!!..”

Lady 4 joins the group, ‘Did you see these ear rings my son bought for me..Dubai
gold!’
Sherawali ma to sheru..’ My children are so engrossed in their affairs..this
garland is getting too heavy for me!’

Sheru – ‘GROWL…GROWL..'

After a few more stotras and aarati..

Lady 1-‘ Mata..please see that my son gets his US visa and a better job than
Gayatri’s son….prestige issue....If you do it I will break 100 coconuts for you!’
’

Lady 2-“ Mata..Please see that my husband is not caught for all the bribes he is
taking..I promise that I will donate 1 lakh from that bribe money to your temple!’

Lady 3-‘Mata,please see that my son gets married this year and we get a good
dowry..I promise that I will walk up to your hill by foot,if that happens!'

Lady 4-‘Mata,Please see that my son gets a better match than lady 3’s son..I
promise I will make you gold bangles that too Dubai gold!’

Sherawali Ma-‘ Sheru I think I am having a headache..I don’t see even one person
interested in me for ME…My children are bribing me…Let us leave…’

Just then a small girl walked up to the podium and placed a tiny flower at Mata’s
feet.

Sherawali Maa-“ I will accept this flower alone..let us go sheru,’ and Mata left
on her simha vahan while her vahan Growled..

Growl..Growl…Growwwwwwl!!!!