SELF ESTEEM

Self-Esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Of all our feelings, those which we have about ourselves are clearly the most important to our success and happiness. Our feelings about ourselves determine our confidence, our motivation, and our worthiness. These feelings begin to take shape in the first few years of our lives, and unless we make a conscious effort to change them, follow us to our grave. Self-Esteem is your self-image or how you feel about yourself. It is made up of thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. Your Self-Esteem affects the way you live, how you think, how you act and how you feel about yourself and others. Your Self-Esteem affects how successful you are in achieving your goals in life. There are two components of Self-Esteem: a feeling of being lovable, and a feeling of being competent. It is best to have both lovability and competence in ones life, so to have a balance. Low self esteem essentially means a feeling that one is unworthy, so one has a negative self-view.

Impact of low self- esteem

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Low selfesteem is at the root of behaviours which make your life feel unproductive or unmanageable. The purpose of the twelvestep recovery program of SelfEsteem is to assist you to get life under selfcontrol so as to feel more productive and successful. Low selfesteem has its roots in a number of life circumstances. If you come from a family of origin where your mom and/or dad had problems with: alcohol; drugs; mental illness; inability to show warmth and affection; being overly critical; rigidity of religious belief; workaholism, then in all likelihood your self esteem suffered. If you were physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused or neglected by: a parent; a brother or sister; an adult caregiver; your spouse or lover, or friend, your selfesteem was lowered. the sources of low selfesteem because you were not allowed to express feelings in a normal healthy way. You were expected to always look good in the public eye and not express anything negative. You were not encouraged to be overly expressive if you had happy or positive feelings. Directly related to these nine behavioural patterns emanating from low selfesteem are seven negative behavioural consequences: unresolved loss and grief issues; selfdestructive behaviours; problems with control; unresolved anger; faulty communications; personal adjustment problems, and interpersonal relationship problems. Each of these seven problem areas not only results from low self esteem but contributes to low selfesteem in its own way and to your compulsively driven, unhealthy behavioural pattern. These behavioural patterns are compulsively driven ways of acting learned in family of origin, school, work, socially, or in the community. You can have just one of these nine patterns or a blend of them. You could have one pattern as a child, another one as an adolescent, and one or more different patterns as an adult. The nine behavioural patterns are: looking good; acting out; pulling in; entertaining; enabling; troubled person; people pleasing; rescuing; and nonfeeling. These behavioural patterns are the basis for your personality makeup. They unfortunately contribute to your lowered selfesteem. In recovery the goal is to retain the positive and healthy aspects of the behavioural pattern and convert or eliminate the negative and unhealthy ones.

LOOKING GOOD PERSONALITY

Appearance
The hero of the environment & Very responsible & Motivated, achievement oriented & Successful in many pursuits & Together, with an aura of having it made emotionally & Good natured, sociable & Appear to have high self-esteem & Loyal & Popular with others, social and outgoing & Considerate of others & Appropriate and clean-cut behaviour characteristics & Hard worker & Helpful & Appeaser and peace makers & Very positive with others & Driven & Goal oriented

Feelings inside
Fear of confronting problems & Fear of confronting people with problems & Denial of problems & Guilt for the troubles and problems in others lives & Feeling of never being good enough or having done enough & Confusion about what to do to solve problems & Fear of conflict, fights, or arguments & Need to keep negative feelings to self, secretive & Need to give others what they want & Keep personal and family problems to self, secretive & Mixed feelings of love and hate for people with problems close to them with problems & Confusion about their true feelings & Low self worth & Anger about having to strive so hard & Anger at getting so little back for all their giving & Anger at others who are irritable and critical when they are trying so hard & Anger at selves for discounting their own needs and selling out to others demands & Guilt over feeling anger & Feel lonely and isolated from others & Critical of others performance & Never satisfied with their own performance & Hypercritical of self first and others second & Compulsive need to be good & Fear of showing affection or are unable to do so

ACTING OUT PERSONALITY

Appearance to the world of the acting out personality

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & The scapegoat of the environment Irresponsible Troublemakers at home, work, school, or community Get into a lot of mischief Runaways Drug or alcohol problems Delinquent or pre-delinquent behaviour Brushes with legal authority Rebellious against any type of authority figure Do not take direction easily Goof off people Bring disgrace to family, fellow workers, friends, or self Lack tolerance for others Poor achievement record Angry, hostile, or belligerent Fail at school or work Sexually promiscuous, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases Unwilling to abide by rules or codes of conduct Prone to use a self-destructive behaviour pattern Lack of worth to the system, organization, family unit Sullen and uncooperative Bombastic, mouthy, caustic Shallow, self-centred, manipulative, exploitive

Feelings inside personality traits

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & &

persons

with

the

acting

out

Lack freedom to vent frustration directly onto its source Emotional withdrawal from problem situations, e.g., family, job, peer interactions Dependence on others to fill unsatisfied need for belonging to a family or unit Starved for attention from those in their lives who have problems Lots of bottled up emotions; need for acceptance, belonging, being wanted and cared for Jealous and irritated at all the attention others get in family, school, job, or with friends Sense of being neglected, ignored, or unwanted Sense of no emotional support from their environment Intense need for love and intimacy Unwilling to use achievement tactics to gain others love, attention, and respect Self hatred for not being good enough to gain unconditional acceptance from others Intense sense of rejection and loneliness Intense hurt Consumed with anger: at parents for not caring at the person in their life who has the real major problem at the looking good types for hiding and denying the problem at the world for accepting their behaviour as real

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at selves that brought them to their current problem state

PULLING-IN PERSONALITY

Appearance to the world of the pulling-in personality

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & The lost child of the environment Easily forgotten by others Loners; spend lots of time alone Make few demands on others Bookworm, avid readers Hobbyists Day dreamers Overweight Escapists in hobby, TV, music, etc. Quiet and non-expressive Independent Aloof, standoffish, distant Hard to know Withdrawn socially Extremely shy Non-troublemakers Low profile, unobtrusive Materialistic, take extreme pride in possessions Self-reliant Dont present a problem for others See everything through rose-coloured glasses, Pollyanna like

Feelings inside personality traits

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & &

persons

with

the

pulling-in

Feel like outsiders Confused about what is occurring in their lives Feel a need to look out for themselves, stay out of others way Feel comfortable alone Feel like strangers in their families, peer groups, or work setting Feel like they are unimportant Low self-esteem Feel isolated, alone, different, and socially inept Fearful of social interactions Fearful of not being accepted, fear of rejection Hurt over being ignored and left out Rage and anger over the problems in their lives that isolate them from others Confusion sexually as to what is normal; suffer doubts about their own sexual adequacy Feel ignored, unsupported, rejected Repress negative feelings

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& Deep sense of loneliness Expect little of themselves

ENTERTAINING PERSONALITY

Appearance personality
& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & &

to

the

world

of

the

entertainer

Usually the youngest, the mascot of the environment will exhibit this behaviour Appear fragile, less mature, not ready to face hard realities of life People tend to censor information given them, so as to not overwhelm them Class clown or cut up Life of the party A natural wit, comic, or jokester Humorous or outrageous antics Create fun wherever they go Hyperactive with bursts of sudden and erratic behaviour Annoying habits, squirming, interrupting, doing crazy things Showmanship, ability to entertain on the spot Hard to ignore; acting cute, helpless, or showing off Joke all the time, never appearing to take anything seriously Never taken seriously by others Nothing appears to bother them Distractors; do and say things irrelevant to what anyone else is doing or saying Incessant talkers Fragile people needing to be protected Attention getters Leave you off guard; never tell you what they are thinking

Feelings inside personality traits

& & & & & & & & &

persons

with

the

entertainer

Fear of impending danger to themselves, family, others Feel alone, helpless and confused Lack true information as to why things seem troubled in the systems in which they live, work, or learn Sensitive to clues about the truth of the existence of problems in their systems Frightened and anxious about the troubles and problems in their systems Fear for their own sanity since they seem to sense the existence of problems, but no one tells them the truth and they question their own perceptions Satisfaction from attention given to their antics Insecure in the system, which on the surface makes them believe everything is OK even though their radar tells them differently Never know what others are thinking

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& Afraid of something, but are not sure what it is & Sense of inadequacy & Feeling of being unimportant & Guilty for not doing enough to reduce the tension in their systems & Low self-esteem when negative attention is given to their agitating behaviour Afraid to look inside themselves

TROUBLED PERSON PERSONALITY

Appearance to the world of the troubled person personality

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & Irresponsible Low motivation to change Lack of personal or professional success Poor emotional stability Problem addictive behaviour in the use of alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex, smoking, or seeking excitement Perfectionism at home or at work Restricted expression of feelings and emotions Workaholic, overly obsessive in working on projects Blaming and negative about everyone with whom they live Deny their own problems or openly admit them, claiming they cant do anything about the problems Shallow, self-centred, manipulative, and exploitive Out of control behaviour Broken persons Life of the party, outgoing, very social, friendly, extroverted Get into a lot of trouble at work, at home, and in the community Lack of tolerance for others Easily likable and extremely charming on first meeting Con artists, users Bombastic, mouthy, showoff attitude Use excessive self-destructive behaviour

Feelings inside persons with the troubled person personality traits

& & & & Fear that their problems will be discovered by others Fear that they will lose everything important to them, i.e., job, spouse, family, wealth, friends, security Anxious about the future Unable to focus attention on the important issues in their lives

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Guilty for having their problems Shame that they are not able to solve their problems on their own Ashamed that others point out their failings and problems to them Guilty for neglecting job and family life as they avoid, deny, and bury their problems Feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem Depression with negative emotions resulting in restlessness, lack of appetite, and inability to relax or calm down & Repression of feelings in an effort to hide or deny their problems & Desperation and despair over their problems and the negative consequences & Much anger, directed: at themselves for their problems & at others in life for not understanding them & at life regarding the unfair demands made of them at others who imply they are not able to handle their own problems

ENABLING PERSONALITY

Appearance to the world of the enabling personality

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & Protect others from the consequences of their own actions Deflect the hand of fate and soften its blow for others Attempt to save others from feeling intense emotional pain Delay the day of reckoning for troubled persons by averting social and financial difficulties for them Prevent crises for troubled persons which, in fact, prolongs the problems Pinch hit for troubled persons, hiding their mistakes with alibis or lies to others Act out of a sincere, if misguided, sense of love and loyalty May act out of shame to protect their own and their environments self-respect Are motivated by the fear that they may share the unfortunate consequences of the troubled persons problems Take on responsibility for the troubled person Begin to doubt themselves and doubt their own sanity or rightness, often seeing themselves as failures Feel guilt and self hatred and begin to turn off their feelings toward the troubled person and others Use a lot of projection and blaming on the troubled person Vent a lot of anger against the troubled person Become known as sarcastic naggers and blamers Deny and conceal the problems of the troubled person Make decisions for the troubled person, decisions that are best left for the troubled person to make for themselves Minimize the problems of the troubled person Feel trapped in the problems of the troubled person Develop an emotional shell and resist penetration

Feelings inside persons with the enabling personality traits

& Powerless to change the situation

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Serious about the situation Self blaming for the troubled persons problems Fragile in the face of the troubled persons problems Self-pity for the situation they are in Manipulation is the only method left them to get their way to correct the troubled persons problems Super responsible for the situation and solving the troubled persons problems Guilt over the troubled persons problems and the troubled persons inability to solve them Pain from the hurt resulting from the troubled persons problems Fear that the troubled persons problems will never be solved and will ultimately consume them Anger that they cant fix or solve the troubled persons problems

Typical statements from enabling individuals

& Im going to give him another chance. & I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. & Im not clear what I should expect of him. & Im not convinced that he has that problem. & I love him; I cant leave him. & I dont want him to fail. & I dont want him to suffer any pain or hurt. & I dont want him to think that I dont love him. & Im beginning to suspect that Im the reason for his problems. & I dont want to be mean. & Its hard to say no. & I could never forgive myself for not taking steps to prevent him from getting hurt. & Hed never forgive me if he got hurt or failed. & Ive made my vows for life; I could never leave him. & It only hurts for a little while. & Look at all the trouble hes causing for me and the family. & I want him to get help, even if I have to drag him in. & What have I done wrong? Where have I gone wrong? & He doesnt care how much he hurts us by his behaviour. & I feel so unappreciated. & Just this one time only. Lets not be hasty in our judgment.

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RESCUING PERSONALITY

Appearance to the world of the rescuing personality

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & Overly responsible High motivation to help others Tendency to be stuck in their efforts to help change things Very emotionally stable Conscientious Desire to be a good person no matter how treated by others Seen as a victim due their treatment by troubled persons Openly admit the existence of problems Looks stuck in the situation, which creates problems for self Irrational in loyalty to the troubled person, who takes advantage of him A generous, selfless, good person who is being exploited A burdened down person who carries others on his shoulders Tries to help out people in trouble at home, work, school, in the community, and in other social settings Very tolerant of the bizarre and maladapted behaviours of troubled people A sympathetic figure who is chronically taken advantage of Inability to consider self first Obsessively driven to care for others Inability to be assertive and protect his own rights

Feelings inside persons with the rescuing personality traits

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Angry at the problems confronting the troubled people in their life Angry at others in their life who do not reach out to help or assist the troubled people they come across Resentful and angry about the chronic unhappiness the troubled people, whom they help, cause for them Angry and resentful if the troubled persons can take care of or solve their own problems without assistance from the rescuer Fear that if they dont help the troubled person, the person will be lost for life Fear that they will be misjudged by others for not taking an active stance to help troubled persons Anxious when in the presence of troubled people So focussed on the troubled person, they are not able to focus healthy attention on themselves Guilt at not doing enough to help the troubled people in their life Feelings of low self-esteem when the troubled people suffer relapses Depression when they are caught up in a catch 22' cycle of helping a troubled person who gets back on his feet just enough to relapse Confusion as to which is the best course of action to take with the troubled person Fear that they will be abandoned by the troubled persons in their lives Fear that they will always be unhappy in a relationship with a troubled person who is unwilling to reform Exhaustion over never being able to resolve the problems of the troubled person Anger that they are the focus of other helpers who point out their rescuer behaviour as unhealthy

PEOPLE-PLEASING PERSONALITY

Appearance to the world of the people- pleasing personality

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & Very organized Easily liked Placators or appeasers Friendly, outgoing, gregarious Helpful, supportive Courteous and considerate of others Always smiling Interested in others welfare Cooperative; real team players Generous with own time and energy Ready to volunteer Accept delegation easily Company men; very loyal Ready to take on any new challenge that comes along Work hard at pleasing others Talented, skilful, and creative A pleasure to spend time with

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Happy, joyful, full of fun Encouraging and reassuring Go along with requests made by others People mixers Assets in any conversation Together, warm, and caring persons People sought out for friendship; popular socially

Feelings inside persons with the people- pleasing personality traits

& Fear of loss of approval & Fear of rejection & Fear of loss of personal identity & Fear of loss of personal worth & Denial of problems & Self-denial or ignoring of personal rights & Feeling lonely and isolated from others & Avoid conflicts or fights at any cost & Feeling not good enough & Feeling undeserving & Feeling inferior to others & Concern about satisfying others demands & Insecurity about personal abilities, skills, or knowledge & Compulsive need to please others & Unhappy over not pleasing others & Embarrassed by personal looks or behaviour that displeases others & Confusion about why it takes so much energy to please others & Fear of not doing best for others sake & Fear of letting their friends and family down & Fear of failure & Fear of it being found out they are not as good as they appear to others & Fear that others will recognize their failings & Desire to run away to avoid the stress of always needing to be good & Exhaustion from always trying to be perfect & Disappointment in not being able to make everyone happy & Critical of how well they are doing in their personal lives & Feel unappreciated or taken advantage of & Feel taken for granted & Feel like they are being treated like victims & Feel like the martyr for others & Fear of making a decision lest it be the wrong one Come unglued easily under pressure; unorganized

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NON-FEELING PERSONALITY

Appearance

to

the

world

of

the

non- feeling

personality
& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & & Stoic Nothing seems to bother them and they deny problems Very quiet, not verbally expressive Easy to get along with Easygoing on the surface Determined personality, they get the job done Intense thinkers, reasonable attitudes Organized planners and doers Comfortable with tasks requiring conscientious effort Perfectionistic and exact in their work Friendly and sociable Mind their own business, not inquisitive Not bothersome or uncomfortable to be with Reliable, can be counted on Loyal workers who rarely complain Rarely get upset or show anger Low-key, rarely draw attention to self Easily liked and fit in easily Adaptable to a variety of social situations Dependable workers who rarely cause any concern Steady, even-tempered personalities Non-emotional, nonfeeling, non-responsive Calm, placid personality Rarely complain and tend to get along with others Dont feel strongly enough about things to take a stand Laid-back behaviour and attitude toward others

Feelings inside personality traits

& & & & & & & & & & & & & & & &

persons

with

the

non-feeling

Not sure what all the fuss is about Annoyed at people who become overemotional or explosive with their feelings Offended and hurt when challenged about their lack of response to others feelings Feel as if they are being taken advantage of because of their easygoing nature Unsure if they have the right to stand up for themselves; unsure of what steps to take to ensure protection of their rights Feel they are being victimized by others who are overly verbal and overly emotional Resist being pushed into decisions involving human relationships Feel confident in decisions involving logic and reason; feel insecure in decisions involving feelings and emotions Feel ill at ease when spotlight of attention is put on them Get confused when they are asked by others to tell how they feel Annoyed and resentful at those who pressure them to reveal how they feel Hide behind a mask of no feelings Fearful of getting into intense discussions on emotional issues Resentful for being misunderstood or put down because they do not react emotionally to things, events, or relationships Feel proud about their ability to maintain their cool and laid-back stance in the midst of a crisis Annoyed at the implication that they have problems because they do not respond emotionally to

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others Annoyed that their rights are being abused, but unsure of what to do about it Insecure in the presence of a sharp witted, verbally emotive individual Threatened by fear of rejection or loss of approval when confronted with demands of others to show their true colours Fearful of letting others know how they really feel about things because they are unsure themselves how they feel Feelings of inferiority over inability to identify and label feelings in themselves and others Feelings of incompetence and discomfort in emotional discussions or conversations