The Art Of Paying Compliments Flattery will get you nowhere, they say.

Well, "they" say a lot of things. And too many times, "they" are sorely mistaken. Paying compliments has never been more strategically important than it is today. Not because people expect them, but precisely because they don't. While everyone is wrapped up in their own performance, people hardly take the time to recognize the work of others. That's where you come in. Whether you're dealing with bosses, subordinates or peers, a well-placed compliment will make you valuable, noteworthy and better suited for leadership. Why Compliments Work Being the boss always sounds great, but it's largely a thankless task. You bust your ass and get hardly a pat in recognition. Bosses are painfully self-conscious about their leadership skills, their motivational powers and their ability to delegate effectively. They crave positive feedback, though they hardly get it. And, if they want to maintain respect, they can't show that they want it. And while your peers may get the occasional, "good job," from the boss, encouragement and motivation is seen as part of their job. Who really better to stroke a co-worker's ego than one of their peers who, beyond being their equal, is in many ways a competitor? When you recognize people's skills and achievements, it makes you seem more selfless. Your attention to detail is appreciated. And if you believe what some scientific studies have to say on the subject, people who pay others compliments are seen as smarter. And since you're such an honest, selfless guy, your co-workers may spare you from vicious office politicking. So all your bases are covered. Flattery 101 The cardinal rule of flattery is that it should be insightful, specific and empathetic. That means no generic brownnosing. It means actually noticing something that the other guy may be unaware of. Take these steps to distinguish your praise from bland lip service. Give specific compliments Understand what makes people nervous, and focus on paying compliments that will comfort them regarding that. For a business leader, it may be addressing and inspiring a crowd of subordinates. For a secretary, it may be her knowledge of office protocol. For a writer, it's likely his way with words. You need to pay attention to where a person's lack of confidence lies. Then compliment them accordingly, in the most natural way possible. Forget about just saying, "good job, Steve." That's generic and clich. If, for example, Steve raised an unpopular but important topic at a meeting, jump on that instead. "Hey Steve, you brought up some important points in that meeting. I think people needed to hear that." Such a compliment, tailored to assuage his self-doubts, is insightful, specific and empathetic. Here's another example. A co-worker submits a report that the entire office had to read. That's a lot of pressure, right? Put his mind at ease: "John, you identified an important weakness in our product that never occurred to me. That was very sharp."

Time your praise Compliments are all about timing. They are usually most effective immediately after someone does something they deserve praise for. It's right after the fact that most people are nervous and itching to hear that they did well. Let time pass and they will calm down, or convince themselves that they did well and don't need anyone else's approval. But timing also involves calibrating someone's mood. If you see a co-worker in a slump, a well-placed compliment might motivate him and remind him that what he does is significant. A third basic rule, and the delicate practice of bigging up your boss Keep your flattery professional You should limit your compliments to work-related achievements, since that is people's main function in the office. Complimenting someone on a good joke they sent around by e-mail doesn't count. However, don't be afraid to touch on personal matters. People today pay close attention to their appearance, since image is increasingly important. Yet these kinds of compliments must be curt and sporadic. You don't want to gush excessively over a guy's haircut. You also need to target compliments towards genders; to suit male and female vanities. For instance, you may want to compliment a man on his suit, his car or his athletic abilities, if you watched him play a sport. For women, remember that many still feel they need to overachieve in male-dominated workplaces. Tell a female co-worker she is a valuable member of the team. For example, "Sarah, you really do a good job crunching those numbers. I'm sure it helps everyone. We're lucky to have you here." If complimenting a woman on her appearance, keep it very, very subtle and professionally distant. You can mention she's wearing a nice dress, but never mention body parts, weight or skin conditions, for obvious reasons. Compliment your boss covertly Complimenting superiors demands more tact, since flattery can easily be perceived as abject ass kissing. Do it casually When complimenting your boss, it's better to do it as an aside rather than directly. While he's discussing a company matter to you, slip it in. "By the way, thanks for that e-mail about company policy. It really helped me out." Praise him to others You can also use office gossip to your advantage. Speak highly of your boss to others in the office. Tell them how pleasant it is to work under him (if it's true, of course, lest you become a sarcastic git). The reliable grapevine will transmit your words to the chief in no time. Trust me, he'll get it. Compliment what he likes For the truly tactical, a good way to compliment your boss is to learn about his interests and engage him in conversation about it. Be it the new sports car he's driving or his passion for golf, he'll appreciate the attention. Few people expect others to enjoy their own tastes. Doing so can be very flattering. Time your praise For some people, like bosses, compliments are better doled out in private, when there are no potential jealous tongue lashers in earshot. They may see your compliments as an attempt at kissing up and will tarnish your reputation accordingly. And the boss won't worry about others seeing him bask in his ego-stroking elation.

As for your peers, however, you are best doing it out in the open. It's nice to be recognized for one's feats, but it's much nicer when everyone sees you being recognized, isn't it? Make compliments valuable Be scarce with flattery Why is platinum so expensive? Because there's such a scarce amount of it out there. But try selling a handful of sand to merchant in the Sahara. Likewise, your compliments should remain rare if they are to have any effect. Overdo it and people will not only come to expect your flattery, but they'll be unaffected by it. Be honest with flattery Compliments are also more valuable if they're honest. How do you ensure others will construe them as such? You have to develop a reputation for tactful honesty. That means that you deliver the bad news as well as the good. When you're a trusted source of information, your compliments go leagues further. Personally deliver flattery Make sure your targets get the compliment by delivering them yourself. E-mail and voice messages are prone to spontaneous deletion. Furthermore, doing things in person is always appreciated. Compliments: your ace in the hole Compliments are often reviled in corporate culture because most people don't know how to deliver them well. When given only as attempts to please others or to qualify oneself, compliments can sound pathetic. Delivered wisely and subtly, possessing the three cardinal characteristics (insightful, specific and empathetic), compliments can do wonders, from setting you up for a raise to protecting you when it's downsize time. Remember; bosses are people too. They want affirmation as much as the next guy. If you play your cards right, they may even become dependent on your kind words -- and on you.

Bonjour, my loves! Hope everyones having a good time dating. Ive received compliments on the tips Ive been posting, and so I decided to write aboutcompliments! Id like to kick off by giving tips to men first. I have yet to get a guy friend write about how to compliment men. So women, relax for a bit while the men get the lessons first. Complimenting a woman is tricky business. You could come out as a true gentleman at best, or a loser or a playboy at worst. There is not one secret to achieving the perfect complimentary remark for a woman. Done right, you may get score a date (or another date, as the case may be). Do it awfully wrong and you may just have bid goodbye to your chances at getting to know a girl more and risk being called a douche. Its quite flattering how guys do really want to get the girls they want, but are, unfortunately, doing the wrong things. Speaking of, Ive found a really interesting article about how to ask a girl out. I think its really cute, you should check it out. Anyway, back to compliments. Sincerity is key to complimenting a woman. See, women love compliments but not just any compliment. While men may be content with wow youre looking hot or youre so sexy or even youve got a hugearm, women look for something more holistic. And physical compliments, gents and gents, are only the first and shallowest level of it. And are deemed by us women as the least sincere of all. And and and if overdone, you are going to sound like a totally senseless and insensitive guy whos only after her body. If undone, youll still be an insensitive guy who does not know how to appreciate a womans beauty and you leave her feeling insecure. Are you now confused? So how do you compliment a woman properly? Here are some tips: Nothing beats sincerity. Always be sincere about you compliments. Unless you have a degree in Performance Arts from UCLA or NYU, you can hardly pull off a fake compliment. Girls are blessed by Momma Nature for some extra sensitivity a.k.a. intuition so we can tell a fake from a sincere compliment. We also know how big liars men can be, sorry. If you think she looks heavy around the middle but her eye makeup makes her look stunning, forget about the tummy and tell her how tantalizing her eyes are. Do not go sexual. Unless shes your girlfriend or your wife and you guys have already been sleeping together, forget about how sexy she is or how the neckline of the dress makes her chest look like bouncing babies behinds. Not even how the leather dress hugs her every curve. Do that and youll get face to face with her dads shotgun or her pepper spray. Let your compliment go beyond her physique. Ive heard you did so well on your presentation today or well, some little birdie told me you are really awesome at closing deals. Thats really admirable. Or better yet, go with youre really great with kids or has anyone ever told you how sweet you are? Let your body do the talking. And I DONT mean sexual body talk, silly. A hard on does not count as a compliment unless you guys are planning to go to bed together. Im talking about your more wholesome physically obvious reactions. When she comes out of her door in the most beautiful dress, and she looks like a goddess to you, you can never fake that jaw drop. Or the widening of your eyes. Or the stuttering. Or stopping mid-sentence because youre lost in her gaze these are better compliments than the most poetic of words. Maybe there is indeed a secret to proper complimenting and that is sincerity and looking at what makes her truly beautiful flaws and all. One that would help you do the trick, too dont be too nervous! You know when were jittery, we tend to say the wrong things. If youve been successful in scoring another date after your first, try some of these on your next date, k?

The Art of Complimenting Women Hola compaeras, I just got back from another guilt-free lazy-ass vacation, this time in Cuba, and I feel like a little flirty talk. Like many Canadians, Ive been to Cuba several times. Ive been with family, with friends, last year I went all alone and, this time, accompanied by my par amour. And the thing about Cubans is they sure know about flirting and compliments! (Though it can be a little overwhelming, as I learned when I travelled alone.) My trip, along with last weeks Obama compliment debacle and the new Dove Real Beauty Sketches video, has got me thinking about how different things are over here. Pepe Le Pew, perhaps too ardent in his approach Id say I live in a pretty friendly neighbourhood; its not unusual for people to say hi to each other and many of the faces in local businesses are familiar smiling faces. But, lets be real here, we Canadians are a reserved bunch! Visiting a place like Cuba where everyone acknowledges each other all the time with friendly greetings or flirty smiles really highlights our grey pod-like existence (quick look down at your iPhone, someone might try to talk to you on the bus!). Like many of my friends, I was lured to Ottawa after several years in Montreal by the promise of a secure public service job. And, like many of my female friends, I was single when I did this. Im not certain that any of us expected the self-doubt that comes with a move from French Canada to English Canada and the sudden disappearance of compliments from strangers on the street. Is it them, or is it me? weve all wondered. Sister, its them! Were still hot. But why should it matter? Arent we past being judged for our beauty? Dont we want to be appreciated for our brains? These are some of the questions that have come up recently regarding both the Dove Real Beauty video in which women describe themselves to a sketch artist and Barack Obamas compliment to California Attorney General Kamala Harris regarding her looks.

Well-known image from a previous Dove Real Beauty campaign First, the Dove video: Reaction to this video has been mixed and I understand why. While it is poignant (but not surprising) that womens description of themselves produced less attractive sketches than strangers descriptions of them, theres something totally creepy about the video. The setting is a sparse loft-type space, the music is melancholic, and we only get to see a handful of the sketches very briefly. It feels manipulative. I would have wanted a more scientific approach; for instance, I would have wanted to know how many women were sketched, and, out of those, how many of the strangers described the women more accurately than the women had described themselves. Putting that aside, criticising the video because it reinforces mainstream ideas about beauty, as many have, is not that useful. Sure, the video focuses on Caucasian blondes, highlights blue eyes and thin features as desirable attributes, and seems to say freckles are unwanted (whatever, my sun-induced freckles are damn cute!), the point is that everyone wants to be attractive. The other point is that all the women in the video are regular, attractive women but that, for whatever reason, they tend to focus of the negative. One woman states that her mother told her she had a large jaw which, I think, speaks to the possibility that a lot of our most negative ideas about ourselves come from other women, and not always from media images. But is the solution then to say that beauty doesnt matter in any case and that it is only our professional accomplishments and kind hearts that should be valued in every instance?

Some people dont think freckles are cute. Screw them!

Poor Obama: All he did was introduce an old friend in the context of a fund-raiser by saying she was the best looking attorney general in the country, and that only AFTER listing her great professional accomplishments, and the doodoo hit the fan. This isnt like Berlusconi hiring former beauty queens and models for his cabinet, this is an eloquent man charmingly recognising a super accomplished, highly attractive woman. Anyone who thinks this was done in a manner to undermine her professional standing really needs to relax just a whole lot. Context is everything! By all accounts, this was an informal setting and the two are friends. If your boss introduces you to a potential client as my beautiful account manager while putting his hand on your arm, that undermines your credibility. If he says you look nice today as he passes you in the hallway, he probably just means that you look especially good that day and he approves. I think this whole thing is proof of how weird we are about sex. The need for sexual harassment regulations is undeniable because harassment, sexual and otherwise, is extremely detrimental to someones psychological wellbeing. But thats not what were talking about here. Were talking about womens beauty and whether or not it matters and should be commented upon. Lets not pretend that being complimented doesnt make a person feel good. And, yes, women are more likely to be complimented on their looks than on their critical thinking skills. So what? It doesnt only feel good to be told Im beautiful, it makes me feel alive! We are sexual beings. In some cultures, this is seen as threatening. In others, like ours, it makes us a little uncomfortable because we want everyone to be equal. We also want to keep sex hidden away.

California Attorney General Kamala D. Harris The irony, it seems to me, is that in cultures in which sensuality is an accepted part of everyday life, definitions of beauty are more broad. Women of all colours, shapes, and ages will be told they are beautiful in hot-blooded parts of the world. And in fact, like in the Dove video, most women are beautiful in their own way. Whereas, in places like the U.S., it strikes me (as an outsider) that beauty is equated with a very specific list of attributes like thinness, youth, and small features. And I also get the impression that Americans overwhelmingly think that sex is dirty and shameful. I dont believe things are quite as dire here in Canada, but there is a bit of that. So heres a little guide to Flirtatious Complimenting for Canadians: Compliments should be given selflessly with the sole intention of making someone feel good You shouldnt need to be drunk to give someone a compliment Compliments are best delivered in safe public spaces, not in dark alleyways or a deserted bus stop at night A smile counts as a compliment Compliments should be general and not overly sexual (i.e. you have a lovely smile, rather than your ass is very perky) A friendly compliment should be acknowledged with a smile, a thank you, or a compliment in kind if it comes naturally Flirting is just a bit of fun! It does not, I repeat, flirting does not mean you want to sleep with someone Flirting and seduction are 2 very different things; one can lead to the other but seduction is a much more serious game Of course, flirting isnt only about complimenting, it can involve light touches and making slightly suggestive comments once you get to know someone a little better. But even casual compliments from strangers and light

flirting can put a spring in our step; its about appreciating each others unique beauty and celebrating our sexual nature. So I think that Im going to be more conscious of smiling and saying hello to people. And if someone is wearing a cute outfit, or if their hair is looking great, I will voice that opinion when appropriate in order to make them feel good. This place need not be sad and isolating! Everyone men, women, pets and probably even robots love hearing a compliment once in a while; even your cat/dog/gerbil responds well to What a good kitty/puppy/gerbilly! There is a distinct art to pulling off compliments especially for women that you are involved with/getting involved with in a way that is natural. No one wants a forced compliment.

The compliment is a bit of a paradox. People notice when theyre complimented and when they are not. Some women expect to be told that they look pretty/cute whenever they see their man in question and will assume that they look ugly if the man does not compliment them (even though its entirely possible that he simply forgot to say something and thought that his girl was looking pretty). Never complimenting is a bad thing. We here at the Yale Mens Guide have met such men and have found that they give off the perception that theyre too self-absorbed to compliment. You dont want to be that. However and this is where the paradox comes in if you compliment too much, shes not going to believe you when you do compliment her and mean it (repeated iterations of Oh youre just saying that! indicate this line of thought). So here are the basic rules of compliments: 1. If youre going to compliment, it should be one of the first things that you say to her/him/it. Slip in a line just after the hey, how are yous are over with. 2. Compliments, to be done well, should seem nonchalant and truthful at the same time. Always saying things like youre beautiful is a bit overkill. You look nice or you look cute or I really like the way you look in that dress is perfect. Unless she actually is the most beautiful girl in the world, dont overuse it as a compliment (or at least, not at the outset of seeing her). There are times when it is appropriate to be effusive in your complimenting (think whenever shes naked). If you think she looks pretty, say so. Never assume that she knows that you think shes pretty. 3. Appearance doesnt and shouldnt be the only thing you compliment! He/she/it might also like to know that you appreciate his/her/its intelligence, DVD collection, cooking abilities or superhero powers. You do that really well or youre so smart! work well in these situations. 4. Dont be creepy about it. Yes, some types of compliments can be creepy, especially if theyre super specific or bizarre. Complimenting her manner of speech, for instance, is a kind of off the beaten track when it comes to compliments. Telling her that you like the way that she tucks her hair behind her ear if you dont know her that well can, in fact, be creepy. 5. Compliments seem most genuine when theyre specific (see: That dress looks really good on you). Specifics = you noticed something = you were bothering to notice = you realize the effort behind the thing that got your notice. Congratulations.

6. Compliments and sex. Its a bit of a tricky issue, and obviously every girl is different, but generally when shes naked, shes going to be more sensitive to what you say. Have you gained weight? Your boobs are bigger! will not go over well. In fact, just avoid complimenting specific body parts entirely (with the exception of her butt) because that way lies a really big whole into which you can only dig yourself deeper. Telling her shes beautiful, however, is

totally appropriate and general enough not to lead you into a maze of increasingly difficult to answer questions. (So you like my legs? Do you think theyre nicer than my stomach? So you think Im fat?!)