HELLO THERE

Listen up you fine-ass freshman, because I spent time on this, and youll learn stuff from it. This isnt for teachers or parents (please dont show them). This is for you. Arent you lucky. I even added stars. If youre too lazy to read it, I know this is long, pass it on to someone else in your year (also someone who wont show teachers and parents, pretty please). Warning: there will be some language. I dont know how cool you are with that. Youre year 7. But you better get used to it fast motherfucker, because youll definitely hear it, and youll probably soon be using it. If youre insulted by it, Im sorry. Stop reading or get some tip-ex or something. Swears arent really insults. Language is only as powerful as you make it. Theres something useful the hell-hole wont teach you. Another warning: this may get cheesy. Grab a bucket just in case. The heartfelt stuff is the most important so read the back.

Newcomers guide to surviving Kings:

Welcome first year! Its too late to back out now and you have 5 more years left ahead of you. Dont worry, there is a lot of life after school for much better things, but for now it sucks to be you. Im basically going to give you insider info on how to do okay at Kings and basically saving you some of the painful process of working this stuff out. I wasnt particularly rebellious or insanely popular, but I did pretty good. Consider me the wise older sister who teaches you the ways of the world and accidently killed Santa for you. (Santas not real. Sorry.) Youre probably trying to fit the contents of your oversized school bag in this locker. Be proud you have this locker. It is a fine locker. It served me well. Count your blessings you amazing little shit because you should never forget whats good in the world. And dont leave wet swimming costumes in here for long to grow mould and maybe a new species. Not in this locker. Not on my watch. Now, survival guide.

Beginning:
The horror stories of secondary school like bog washing or whatever arent true. But dont worry, a few different horrors do exist, but youll survive them. Learn your way around a bit know the buildings names, the finer details youll pick up Tell someone if youre lost, ask for directions (especially to the loo) its awkward but its a lot more awkward turning up 20 minutes into a lesson. You can always ask at reception, theyre friendly, especially the lady with the shoulder length blonde hair.

Lingo/Layout:
Lunchtime DT/detention a few minutes in a classroom at lunch, might have to do work, dont stress about it, youre not in much trouble at all, it wont go on your record Afterschool DT/detention a pain in the ass, an hour or so after school, doing work or a punishment (like picking up litter), youre in a bit of trouble, but do as youre told and itll be fine Inclusion kept in a room by yourself for a day as punishment, doing work, youre in trouble now Gym in the main building (got ropes and trampolines at the side), you buy cold food and have pack lunches in there Main hall probably where youll have your induction and your assemblies, you buy hot food and have school dinners in there Sports hall by the front gate Inclusion room in the sports hall building Community centre the sports hall building Health suite the gym in the sports hall building New Block the Bradbury wing on your map Business Centre shiny classroom in the middle of the new block with glass walls and office plants and swivelly chairs. Hope for this room. Library behind the foyer, only really go in there if you need to work, its cold or youre year 10 or 11 Top field by the back car park Middle field the one with the big ass tree by the steps, they sell icecreams here I the summer Bottom field the one with the cricket nets and astro-turf and running track Tower by the front gates, looks like a stumpy turret thing. Contains a cool art studio, enterprise centre, meeting rooms (which I once left a leopard-print thong in but thats another story) and some theatre rooms. You cant just wander into the tower, unless youre supposed to be there. Good hot chocolate machine. Has a top floor that there are no stairs for. Possibly contains bodies.

The Tricks of the Trade

Assemblies: Do your uniform right (learn to choose your battles, its not worth the fight) Shut the fuck up

Dont pay attention until the notices (have a nap, daydream, think about all the things you could have been doing with this hour, when realistically it would have probably only been sleep anyway)

Toilets: Theyre gonna suck like broken locks, broken seats, overflowing bins, no flush thats just tough, its better than raw sewage everywhere (yeah imagine that, now feel grateful) If you find a functioning clean loo, you have been blessed, go get a scratch card or something quick Girls there will be older year groups taking up the mirror, dont bother them. Some really annoying unhygienic year groups sit on the floor and have lunch in the downstairs main building loos. Dont be that year group, please. Currently the only ones you can use at lunch is the ones in the main building, try to head upstairs, they have windows and more accurate mirrors

Uniform: Keep it nice for the first couple days Then feel free to undo that top button and scruff it up a bit so its more comfortable Definitely dont do those blazer buttons up, in fact, you could cut them off, and your tie does not need 6 strips, 5 max You can roll your skirt p, loosen the trouser waist, and add subtle accessories, just learn when this is appropriate

Lessons: Eating in lessons is usually fine if youre subtle (see teachers for more info). By the time you get to year 11, most let you bring Starbucks in, just dont litter. Chewing gum is fine (just dont be the asshole who leaves it at the very edge of the desk, put it further back in the corner where people wont touch it) Talking is fine, just dont draw too much attention to yourself (see teachers for more info) Texting is also fine Hell, Ive made phone calls Saying this, wait until a few months into your first year, teachers tend to be stricter before then because they want to put off the rebellion for as long as possible, and if you earn a bad reputation with them in the first few weeks, they will pick on you for 5 years. DONT FALL ASLEEP (tbh Ive done this a few times but only for a couple moments, but if you get spotted or asked a question and you dont recover in 5 seconds flat youre screwed)

Pay attention. Seriously. I know its hard, but you will learn stuff. Pointless curriculum stuff that even the teachers dont want to teach but youll come away with a slightly broader context to the world and will be able to pass your GCSEs, which is good in this society, apparently. Contribute when you have something valuable to say. But dont be too keen, dont answer every question. When a teacher is likely to ask the class questions, make sure to put your hand up near the beginning to answer an easy question, just one answer. Theyll only get harder, and you wont get picked on then when you dont know the answer. If you get a movie lesson, you fucking enjoy that movie lesson. Seriously theyre great.

Lunchtimes: Go, eat, talk, mess around a bit. Make sure to fill your water bottle up and go to the loo now because a lot of teaches wont let you later. The chips arent worth the price. The chocolate mousse is heaven. The vending machine is ridiculously overpriced. Instead by food after school from Mr Johnson, one of the enterprise groups or One Stop. Find a nice place for your group to meet at lunch and settle. Dont be a nomad group. Sometimes fun stuff spontaneously happen, like fights and rock concerts. Dont get into fights. Get into rock concerts. Dont be a dick to prefects, but dont be scared of them either. They dont want to be doing their duty, and they have no real power over you. If they ask you where youre going dont say to my locker, give them lip or give them your life story. Say to see a teacher and everyones happy.

Popularity
You want it. I know you want it. Its not worth it. Think as if youre in an apocalypse situation. Look around your class. Who would you want with you while fighting against an oncoming crowd of zombies for your life? Who would you want to be with while the internet is down (gasp!) and youre trapped in a basement for weeks? Who would you want to comfort you when you are separated from your family? Who would you want to cheer with when the world is finally announced to be okay? Them. Theyre your friends.

Being in the popular group (the cool one that has the big parties and everyone knows you and all that) is aspired to. And being in it may make your time at Kings pretty great. But the social hierarchy is determined by primarily physical attractiveness, followed level of extroversion and ability to fit with social expectations. This isnt a good measurement. If you are an extrovert, great! But dont put yourselves in uncomfortable situations if you dont enjoy that sort of things. Also, you dont choose your cereal based on its fucking colour, you pick it on how tasty it is. Treat your friends like cereal. If your personalities arent compatible, you wont stay friends. And dont change your personality to make yourself compatible. Thats not cool. As for making friends, smile. Put yourself out there and find people who interest you. Insecurities and self-doubt and anxiety or whatever can make this hard but push yourself. If you make a fool of yourself, laugh it off and grit your teeth and realise everyone is busy cringing at their own awkwardness. Go on school trips (trust me friendships are fucking MADE on trips) and organise social events at least occasionally. Be flexible with entertainment you dont have to have everything in common with someone or share all the same likes and interests to be friends with them. Just dont aim to be popular. Aim to surround yourself with a few, or many, people you love or like or get on with, whatever. Make friends not social status. Wherever you end up on the social hierarchy, if you have proper friends youll be ok.

Work you shouldnt give a damn about:

Year 7. They will give you so much homework to intimidate you. Do it half-arsed in as little time as possible because it really doesnt matter. Crush your inner Hermione Granger. But pay attention in lessons. Try less to get work done and more to learn and understand things. Focus on friendships and finding out what interests you. Year 8. As above. Probably the easiest year at Kings. Focus on making friends and enjoying your ever dwindling childhood. Pay attention in sciences. Year 9 a bit. For the subjects youre dropping after this year, piss about and have a (hopefully) well-earned break. In general, homework that isnt relevant and just set for the sakes of it. If its contributing to your knowledge or your exams or your coursework, then do it properly. If not, wikipedia, bbc bitesize and yahoo answers are your friends. Just change the wording slightly. SATS. They dont matter. Dont stress.

Important work:
Year 9. The subjects you will be taking at GCSE. Get a head start and work your butt off on any GCSE coursework or exams you can take now while the goings easy. Itll boost your grades up, and youll thank yourself later. Year 10. Same as above. Year 11. Get your revision notes done early, or while you are (hopefully) taught the course, even if you feel like a nerd. Then you dont need to stress all exam season

while you have coursework to do too and all your friends are panicking. You need simply to cram from your notes the day before.

Extracurricular:
Do extracurricular stuff, seriously! Make the most of it while you have the time and things are free! Kings (and the Tower) is great with clubs, they have something for everyone - all kinds of sports, art, chess, drama, music, etc. They have cool house competitions, which are really fun and create a little friendly competition anime and different cartoon drawing, creative writing, cooking, sports, drama, business, etc. You can even get things like music lessons, or even art and drama lessons in the tower, but I think you have to pay a bit of money. Join a business with a friend if you have the time! Its so fun, and you earn a decent bit of cash if you do any good with it, and its good experience. The only downside is its very time consuming and can be a little stressful. Get fit and stay fit. No matter what youre starting off with, even if you dont like group sport, go to the health suite club (the gym) or swim or something. You will thank yourself later when you are a lot more physically able, you have more energy, better health, a more attractive body, and even a happier mind with all those endorphins whizzing around. Kings has a brilliant PD department for those less physically able, and there are sports clubs tailored for that as well. It even means you can join sports teams, which are great to be a part of.

Teachers:
Ok well now Im going to give you my knowledge about as many teachers as I can, but I cant remember/dont know them all. Ill even put it in a little table for you. How lovely. Also the new head master is a mystery to me. I hope he does a good job for you. (I wont say how good a teacher is at teaching because thats my own opinion, teachers have different styles that work for different students and they may have improved/lost all passion for sharing knowledge by the time you get them. Im also just covering my ass a little if a teacher finds this.)

Department

Teacher

Do the homework? Yes

Maths

Mr Osmond

Possible to eat in lesson? No (unless youre very skilled)

Strict?

Additional notes

Yes

Dont get on the wrong side of him because he wont forget. Hes got cool suits. Changes seating plans all the time.

Mrs Barber Mr Duckering

If its important Yes

Yes No

Only when necessary Yes

Mrs Deacon Mrs Goode

In lesson mostly Yes

Yes No (unless youre very skilled)

Moderately Yes

Crazy voice will help you pay attention. In charge of exams and stuff. Can get a bit stressy. Dont say oh my god. Gets very stressy. Cant go to the loo in her lessons.

Department

Teacher

Do the homework? Yes

Possible to eat in lesson? At the back

Strict?

Additional notes

English (and sometimes psychology/ humanities)

Mr Gunning

Moderately

Lots of discussions and tangents and banter.

Miss Player

Yes

At the back

Moderately

Miss Barfield

If its important If its important If its important Yes/in lesson

At the back

Moderately

Mr Fox

Yes

No

Miss Rooke

At the back

No

Religious Studies

Miss Banwell

At the back

No

Legend, youll learn how to actually think as well as just pass exams. Has a great but blunt sense of humour.

Miss Harvey

Yes/in lessons

At the back

No

Mr Mutton

Yes/in lessons

At the back

No

Geography

Miss Penton

Yes

Yes

Moderately

Can be a bit ignorant/outspoken about some issues (e.g. stuff mentioned in real life

problems section)

Mrs Chandler Mrs Sloane (cover teacher?) History Miss Slater

In lessons

Yes

No

Can tell you incorrect info, but most of its good Keep your work neat

Yes/in lessons

At the back

Yes

If its important Yes

Yes

No

Miss Wilde

Yes

No

Business Studies

Mr McMillan

Yes/in lesson

No

Moderately

Lots of discussions

Mrs Bamford

Yes/in lesson

No

Moderately

Science

Mrs Waugh

Yes

No

Yes

Pay attention, write out questions Uses the textbooks A LOT

Mrs Collins

Yes

No

Moderately

Mr Ade

Yes

No

Moderately

Mrs Morris Thomas Mrs Lewis

If its important If its important If its important

No

No

No

No

Art and Textiles and Photography Drama

All teachers (sorry its taking too long) All teachers

Yes

Moderately

Can get stressy, likes things fairly organised

If its important If its important

No

No

Pretty relaxed, fun, just shut up when youre supposed to Can mess about a bit, just dont set off the fire alarm. Can ask for help.

Food Tec

All teachers

Yes

No

Tec

All teachers

Yes

No

Moderately

Dont break anything/one.

Languages

All teachers

Yes

Yes

Moderately

PE

All teachers

If its important

No

Moderately

Remember your kit. Guys will be shouted at and pushed more than girls (Its sexist. Challenge it if you want. I think its slowly changing.) If youre enthusiastic theyll like you. Dont complain. The violent, less regulated sports are surprisingly the best because everyone has fun and no one gets bitchy and cheats.

Now, heres some more useful, cheesy life stuff.

Real Life Problems

At school, you will encounter in your life and those around you issues that you hopefully havent faced before. This can involve family issues, mental and physical health problems, esteem issues, stress, bullying, pressure, etc. Now this will sound annoying and cheesy and probably unbelievable if you are struggling with these things but: Other people are suffering with the same things. Not to belittle your suffering or make you feel you cant put pressure on others, but people understand. And youre not weird, or crazy. IT DOES GET BETTER. Its hard, but it is worth the fight to be happy. However, thats not great to hear when youre in pain. So I want you to know, I understand life can hurt and I am so proud of you for still being here. Seriously, well done. There is always help. Asking for help is the hardest thing, but please dont struggle alone. The school support system isnt very good. Sorry. But, if you cant open up to your family, teacher or doctor, heres some helplines below. They really do a great job and are useful even if youre just stressed. Talking to someone you dont know is often a lot easier. For some helplines, you dont even need to phone if you dont want to, you can text or email.

Helplines
General/Emergency: (you can call these in all situations) Samaritans to talk about anything thats getting you down. Please call them if youre suicidal. Winchester - 01962 860633, UK - 08457 90 90 90, email jo@samaritans.org

Childline to talk about anything thats getting you down or you need help with in your life. Please call them if youre suicidal. 0800 1111 Careline to talk about anything thats getting you down or you need help with - 0845 122 8622 (limited hours) NSPCC to talk about anything thats getting you down or you need help with - 0808 800 5000

Sex and sexual abuse: Rape Crisis help about rape and sexual abuse, 0808 802 9999 Survivors help about sexual abuse, 0845 122 1201 (limited hours), email info@survivorsuk.org British Pregnancy Advisory Service help with pregnancy, sex, etc. 0845 730 4030 Sexwise to talk about sex, 0800 28 29 30

Abuse and Bullying: Supportline help with any kind of abuse, bullying, etc. 020 8554 9004 National domestic violence helpline - 0808 2000 247

Mental illness: B-eat information and help about eating disorders, 0845 634 7650 (limited hours) email - fyp@b-eat.co.uk CALL information and help with mental illness, 0800 132 737 Saneline information and help with mental illness, No Panic information and help with anxiety, stress, panic attacks, OCD, phobias, etc. 0808 808 0545 Depression alliance to talk about depression, 0845 123 23 20

Helplines
Physical illness: MacMillan Youth information and help about cancer, 0808 808 0800, email youthline@macmillan.org.uk NHS Direct information on health issues, 0845 46 47

Drugs and alcohol:

Lifeline Drugs for information and help about drugs and addiction and families affected by it, 0161 834 7160 FRANK information and help about drugs, 0800 776600 NHS Smoking Helpline help to quit smoking, 0800 022 4 332 Drinkline information and help about alcohol and alcohol abuse - 0800 9178282

Family problems: Cruse Bereavement Care to talk about grief, losing loved ones. 0808 808 1677 (limited hours), email - helpline@cruse.org.uk Kids Helpline to talk about divorce and family issues 1800 55 1800

LGBT:

The Beaumont Trust for help and information on transexualism and transvestism, 07000 287878 (limited hours) Lesbian and Gay Foundation for help and information on sexuality, 08453 30 30 30

How to feel mildly good about yourself and not be a shitty person
Yes!! More clich heart-to-heart stuff!

First off, realise that everyone feels crap about themselves at some point, which sucks, but youre not strange. To feel good about yourself is hard. But it is possible. And you deserve it.
Learn to forgive yourself. Dont dwell on mistakes. That helps no one. And dont feel overly guilty or sorry for yourself. Move on. Learn to say sorry. Quickly and sincerely. Recognising mistakes, feeling sorry and apologising will make your life a lot happier, and you will feel more content with yourself and your stronger relationships. Dont take anyones shit. The whole if you ignore it theyll stop doesnt work, never has, teachers just dont want the trouble. Stand up for yourself. Give them hell. Accept that you have flaws. This is really hard. Accept that you have good traits. This is even harder. But you have many. And others will see them better than you, theyre often stuck on your back rather than your front, but that doesnt mean theyre not there. Dont compare yourself to others. If you measure the talent of a fish on how well it can climb a tree compared to a monkey, it will spend its whole life thinking its useless when it can swim. (This is a magical, breathe-out-of-water fish. Accept it.) Grades dont define you, your worth, your happiness, your success. Your weight is not your worth. Being aesthetically pleasing does not equal beauty. A good, kind personality is beautiful, and you can actually see it on peoples faces. Appearances will seem like they matter so much in school. But please, please dont destroy yourself over it. Your body is good. It functions. Its alive. Treat it as you would your four year old self. With care.

Whatever sex you have, clothes you wear, gender you identify as, thats youre business, not anyone elses. Other peoples choices arent your business either, so dont go gossiping or calling people sluts. Thats not cool man. Not cool. Youre allowed to end hurtful friendships. Youre allowed to be enthusiastic about and enjoy whatever makes you happy. (Apart from murder or something. Being happy about murder is frowned upon.) Be creative. Dont let ideas stew over in your mind like brain crack. Just do something. Make something. If youre struggling to make friends, you just havent found the right people yet. Theres nothing wrong with you. The best come last. Be kind to people, and try to imagine them as complexly as you know yourself to be. If theyre mean, consider that theyre having a bad time themselves. Accept you will have good and bad days. Dont feel guilty for feeling sad. Youre allowed to feel afraid, or hurt, or insecure. That doesnt make you weak. Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself. Dont impress your own beliefs on others. Be respectful and dont mock other peoples beliefs. Dont make jokes about serious issues like rape or racism. Theyre not funny. Basically dont be an asshole.

Managing Stress
School can be stressful. Here are just some tips on when things get tough. Breathe. You can do this. Exercise releases endorphins and adrenaline, helps clear your head and gives you time to think. Make lists prioritise and organise your tasks and feel satisfied crossing them off. Maybe write only a couple jobs on each note so the list doesnt feel overwhelming. Make some time to be social if its a reward after homework or to get out of a stressful environment at home, go see your friends to chill out. Get out of the house especially if your family is stressing you out. Go for a walk or something. Relax listen to music, watch a film, read a book, take a nap. Find out what works best for you. Break up your work with rewards, like a snack or a shower. Avoid things you could lose track of time with, like the internet or a nap. Maybe put a time limit on internet use. If its friends or family stressing you out, try and take yourself out of that situation to calm down. Remember, you are worth so much. Distract yourself from negative impulses, take time to react to the situation or emotions. Sleep.

Good luck you adorable lil fuck. Have an amazing 5 years, and an even better life after. I really do care about you. Keep making yourself a better self. Pay attention and learn things. And have fun!