Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Divorce In Heaven

A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fianc and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again." Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five

years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer." Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience." The couple got married. Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Men, be afraid, very very afraid

Behind every successful woman is herself Oh my god, I think Im becoming the man I wanted to marry! Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career So many men, so few who can afford me Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen Im out of estrogen and I have a gun

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time Do not start with me. You will not win All stressed out and no one to choke I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people How can I miss you if you won't go away? Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies And last but not least: If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

Poor memory
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Test for Dementia

DO YOU THINK NORMAL?

Subject: Test for Dementia Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first,

then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:If you answered that you are second to last,

then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer:Nunu?

NO!Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

The Guys' Rules

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE! 1. Men ARE not mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like

soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, ]we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,hunting,fishing or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Business

One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said " Jesus Christ." Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!

Tonto & The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars. "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. Someone has stolen tent"

People over 35 should be dead!

People over 35 should be dead! Here's why... According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored, lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64s, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable (no cable), video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We were disciplined by our friends' parents and neighbors too...and our parents approved. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although

we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment, and try harder next time. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. And if our teachers disciplined us, so did our parents! They actually sided with what was right. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!!!!!

People under 30 are WIMPS!

The Amazing Talking Dog

In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of speech pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "'Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

How to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.

Easy Exam

Passing only requires 4 correct answers out of 10. 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? All done? Check your answers below!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? *Orange, of course.

A Little Supper Joke

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. "Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Something to Think About

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched" On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt" All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill Almonds are a member of the peach family Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10 The characters Bert and Ernie (Sesame St.) were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its a Wonderful Life" A dragonfly has a life-span of 24 hours

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge In England, The Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator Looked in his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz"

Your Computer Relationship

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when.... 1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. 6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. 8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. 9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL" 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Politically Incorrect

Whd did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. --------------------------------------------Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. --------------------------------------------Colonel Sanders: I missed one? --------------------------------------------L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. --------------------------------------------Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. --------------------------------------------Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! --------------------------------------------Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. ---------------------------------------------

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. --------------------------------------------Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ------------------------------------------Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. --------------------------------------------Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. --------------------------------------------Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. --------------------------------------------Ronald Reagan: What chicken? --------------------------------------------Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. --------------------------------------------Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? --------------------------------------------Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. --------------------------------------------Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. --------------------------------------------Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. --------------------------------------------

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? --------------------------------------------Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

CIA Final Test

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill

Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Stress Relief

Try this - it really works!!! Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world," 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. 8. See, You're smiling already!

Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hotshot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhoodof $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years for starters, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."
One day a Catholic a Baptist and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in there boat and pushed there way over to the middle of the lake. The Catholic Said, ''I forgot my hat" so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Baptist said, " I forgot the fishing bait" so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water. He came back and the Methodist said, " I forgot the beer" so he got up, got out of the boat he was standing in the water then he sank. About that time the Baptist said, "Do you think it's time to tell him were the stepping stones are?

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! Things you would never know without the Movies Tuesday, August 28, 2001 - During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. - If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year. - All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her. - The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. - It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. - The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. - Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. - If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now. - You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. - If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. - When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. - Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. - Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. - Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. - All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium. - Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. - Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. - It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. - Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. - When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. - No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. - Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. - You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. - Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. - Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Famous Mothers Monday, May 7, 2001 PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you--don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse,

something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Top 45 Oxymoron's: 45. 44. 43. 42. 41. 40. 39. 38. 37. 36. 35. 34. 33. 32. 31. 30. 29. 28. 27. 26. 25. 24. 23. 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force

15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works

So of course it's difficult to learn the English language.......and learning to spell can be pure guess work....... a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. b. A backward poet writes inverse. c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. aa. Every calendar's days are numbered. ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine. ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery. af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium

at large. ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Letter of Recommendation While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding, and should on no account be dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be sent away as soon as possible. Branch Manager A second note following the report: Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,....... for my true assessment of him. Regards, Branch Manager

Only In America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran and a draft dodger live in the White House. God Real? live in a cardboard box

An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The football player replied, "GOD WAS BUSY; HE SENT ME!" An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."