To my family and friends for all their support and help To the children I love To the women with

their advice To my spirit guide, Cheyenne To the ones who need this understanding To the non believers To the reluctant believers who encouraged me anyways To the men I hurt To the men who tried to hurt me To the one man who hurt me To the one man who fed me when I was starving To my dreams and faith in myself To my past; without you I wouldnt have this future To Eminem, the artist of course, who taught me that being a victim of your past is an option To Bruno Mars, the artist of course, who is the first man who saw me the way I wanted to be seen

(Slang used and improper grammar is because I am not perfect nor do I know how to spell everything. I am not a whiz at sentence structure. This is my journal and my personal thoughts and feelings. I do not care if you think what I write is Improper. So take it or leave it. Im here to give you a taste of reality and inspiration; not to teach you English. In fact, I didnt even finish correcting the other half of this book.)

Next time beware of keeping your lips puckered to the wrong girl. For Karma is a poisonous kiss.

August 27, 2012 I have my dream guy and Im his dream girl. Weve been searching for each other. September 10, 2012 What is there to be depressed about? Just start smiling, start hoping, start thinking. Start working on the changes you want to make and keep an open mind. September 23, 2012 Isnt it funny how if your not hungry you can feel someone elses hunger? If your not sad, you can feel the sad tones of anothers presence. September 30, 2012 Im in love. Im in love with Massachusetts now. Im enjoying the season, the boys, my family and my life. I love smelling the ground with my feet. Feelings this season with my eyes.

October 1, 2012 I know this man is with another woman. And I know he is intentionally trying to let me know this. I cant be mad, everyone warned me. Hes 34 anyways what else could I have expected. I do not want a relationship with this man and neither does he so I guess it doesnt matter. *struggling + fucking up =knowledge

October 2, 2012 Girls screaming, cum guzzling whore out the window of their car and talking about me. I wonder who they think slept with me. Insecure women. A younger guy held the door open for me today, I think Im in love. October 7, 2012 I wish Liar understood. Its not him that I like so much. Hell get it eventually. I saw him today at a mutual friends party. He was trying to talk to me and I ignored him or blew him off. He deserved it. He blew me off a few days before. After the party he texted me and asked me why Im so difficult with him. Then he tried to end it. What a grand manipulator. October 9, 2012 I know its not the last time I will see him. I told him I was ignoring him because it was the best way I could deal with it. He hurt my feelings and blew me off. Your best way is unnecessarily one sided. We dont owe eachother nothing so if you feel you want to know me you need to let your guard down and enjoy life a little more. I dont know why he said we dont owe eachother anything. I never said we did?

I was dealing with it the best way I knew how. Ignoring him. I dont need a prick in my life anyways. Why should I be ok with him blowing me off twice? Like that is acceptable? I remember the first night. He picked me up and took me into Boston. It was disgusting to watch him get people to like him. It was like watching someone walk through a meadow and all the flowers turn black. It was gross. He does this because he knows he can. He was saying things he thought I felt, like guessing what I liked. He was trying to understand who I was so he could use this information to get me to like him. So he could work with that. He was guessing what I was going to say before I said it. And he was wrong. He was trying to read me but I think I was misunderstood. I dont have relations with men. I was not looking for anything from this man. I went out with him just because I had nothing to lose. I usually just have sexual relations with men only- as a matter of fact. And the fact that I didnt with this man on the first night was for two reasons. 1-he was trying to be someone he thought I would likeTrying too hard to make me like him. And 2-(will be written when Im ready to say why). He asked what happened with the man I was talking to before. I looked at him like why would he even think that is ok to talk about? I know your goal at the end of the night is to just get me to sleep with you. Dont act like you wanna actually get to know me. I would have respected him more if he just took me to his house to begin with. That was how I always did it anyways. It is easier for me. A date is something Im not used to, but thats ok I am not that type of girl. Besides, dinner is so clich anyways. The first date I went on was with an MS-13 gang member from Hempstead,NY. Not only did I pay for us but then he tried to steal the tip money I left out at the table. Regardless, sexual relations is all I have with men and I wasnt trying to have anything more from him. I remember him taking me back to his house. I asked, What are we doing here? He said he had to do laundry. So we went upstairs. I sat there like, is this motherfucker serious? So I just intentionally worked against him. I couldnt believe this guy would think I would believe anything he says or his intentions are genuine. Bullshit. I opened his closet and started going through it. He came back in and asked what I was doing. I looked at him and said something that I dont remember. So he spoke back to me and started to mirror my moves. You can stop mirroring me now, I said.

The next day on the car ride back home he slapped my ass and put his hands down my shirt. I think this was To put me in my place. That was him telling me that all he wanted from me was sex. Or to make him feel manly because he didnt get it. Him hanging the handcuffs in his room and having the karma sutra shit next to his bed was his way of putting it in a womans so to speak mind-JUST SEX. But what an idiot he was being. I would have let him lay me down if he was just blunt. I would have let him get what he wanted if he didnt try to seduce and manipulate and lie his way to me. People like this disgust me.

October 11, 2012 Liar had texted me last night asking me if I had a passport. ME: Why you wanna runaway to Bora Bora too?! LIAR: No, maybe just to visit though! I need a roll dog Im going to Montreal Friday morning. Now lets look at this here He KNOWS I work on Fridays. And he knows I have never even been on an airplane so obviously I dont have a passport. He asked me to make it seem like he would take me if I could go. But he knew that both of those reasons were for sure and that I wouldnt have been able to go. But he wanted me to think that was sweet of him to ask anyways. Prick. I had confronted him about this and he had gotten angry and fucked up his words. He said something along the lines of, NO I ASKED YOU BECAUSE YOURE A SINGLE WOMAN WITH NO OBLIGATIONS AND I FIGURED YOU WOULD WANT TO GO FOR A CAR RIDE. You could hear him clenching his teeth at how frustrated he was. So I blew off that topic because it was such a joke. Now let us look at that. He asked me if I had a passport before. Then when the situation was up front he said it was a car ride? Liar Liar. How many women do you think get pregnant on purpose? Its an emotional outlet for women. Having someone to love unconditionally who will love you in return unconditionally. Having a baby with a man

to try and keep the man around. That is what I was. My mother was 17 when she got pregnant with me. And my parents were on the verge of breaking up. So she intentionally got pregnant with me to try and keep my Father around. This obviously didnt work. And I feel like she held it against me. It didnt matter cause she left me when I was 2 with my paternal family and ran away to Georgia with some guy. Anyways, I am not wasting my time on this man. He keeps talking to me every day on the phone for 5 minutes because its going to build something up and make me feel comfortable enough that when he hears it in my voice that Ill be ready to sleep with him. Manipulator. I hope he believes his lies, because I dont. October 13, 2012 I woke up this morning crying. I dont know why. Maybe my father was. Thinking I was abandoned and he fucked up. I think my little brother was asking about me and he missed me. Or he at least felt this way. Its hard to wake up and feel my emotions, or someone elses. Feeling my own emotions is something that never happens anymore. To feel all of that was intense. I ignore my emotions so much I am just numb to them. To feel that at 6AM was like releasing pain. Like letting a breath go after holding it in for so long. It was like facing the truth. My emotions surfaced. But the hard thing is, are they mine? October 23, 2012 I cant say this liar doesnt have the cards in his hand and pretends like I do. Cause well, he does. Last night I tried to give him another chance to meet up with him. I was in Lynn. He asked me if I wanted to go to his house and spoon with him. So I agreed and I left my house. He had me driving around in circles in Revere. He was misdirecting me. I was PISSED. He did it on purpose so he wouldnt technically be blowing me off. Maybe it revenge for me saying I didnt think he was going to meet up with me? Then after I just decided to go back home, he supposedly drove out to where I was and told me how easy it was to get to his house. What a liar. It is unfair what he does to me. He does this shit to drag me

along. Almost like, teaching me a lesson for not letting him sex me the first night. Sometimes I think I should have, just so this man would leave me alone. LIAR: Idk what type of people your used to but please excuse me from being categorized with those who would do something as foolish as that to find humor. (HE IS A LIAR because he does and he did it on purpose.) ME: Yea, well you are manipulative so I dont see how thinking that would make me seem like Im thinking something wrong. You blew me off twice and instead of doing it this time you had me do it to myself. You got me lost on purpose so you werent blowing me off. N you lie a lot too. Why do you still talk to me, seriously? Is it funny to you or something? LIAR: In you wasting your time getting frustrated in a situation like tonight. Thats not me! Im sorry for the miscommunication and if I upset you. Sweet dreams and I hope you are not upset goodnight princess. I do hope to see you sometime. LIAR: Why are you so nasty? ME: Im not! Thats how I feel! I am not upset I am angry. You are very manipulative and its not fair. Its disrespectful. You try to turn shit around. N you keep dragging me on which is also unfair? LIAR: I disagree lace! I dont mean to disrespect you and Im sorry you feel that way its not my intention. LIAR:I like you and Im sorry if I upset you! ME: You see? You just seem so insincere. Its whatever. Goodnight. I want everyone to notice here how he refers to me as lace and princess calling me princess is like belittling me, making him look like he is older so to speak-he calls his 4 year old daughter princess. Calling me lace? A nickname in the middle of this specific conversation? That is to make me feel like I

was wrong or he just didnt want to spell my name wrong. Like he was just being a nice guy and it wasnt his fault and it was a simple miscommunication.

November14, 2012 We finally had sex. I texted him something along the lines of, I know you dont want to talk to me anymore. So Ill make it easier for you, ok? I was lying. I was implying that-ok we had sex now you stop talking to me. There is no need for it. I got a text back that said, what the hell is wrong with you? the next morning he texted me and asked me if my windows were unlocked. I had always told him I wanted him to climb through my windows. Truth was, he could walk through the front door but its more exciting if he climbs through the window like he cant be there and were doing something wrong. He knew I wanted that. I feel like now he is trying to lure me in with sex. November 19, 2012 I just feel like he wants me to want him and he calls me still even after I tried to end it. (which I tried to do 3 times already) Does this man just like to escape reality of his everyday life and talk to me? Im here and I hold no standards of him. Im 14 years younger than him. Im nothing to him. I want nothing from him. So maybe he feels, why not? Neither of us want a future together. So whats so wrong about this? November 20, 2012 He called me yesterday. I hope when I make him laugh its sincere. Im scared. He keeps talking to me and I keep letting him. I really need to keep this at a distance. I do not want feelings for this man. If this proceeds to another night Im sure I will. I just have friend feelings for him currently anyways. But I know this is going to happen unfortunately. And that is why Im scared to continue anything with him.

How could I let someone I just wanted to lay me down, prolong this? Im scared to get my heart broken by any man; at least one that isnt worth it. Im 20 and still havent given my heart to one man. I dont think many could handle someone like me. My family blesses the man who dares to marry me. Im sure it annoys him to come and pick me up because I dont have a car. But I like that old fashioned thing, when a man picks up a woman. That is how it should be. Besides, I love car rides sooooo much. And I enjoy being with him physically so both are nice. I never really had that either with a man. But thats ok it will only be a couple meetings. I want to save this enjoyment with my first real man, whom I also want as my last. I think we both need to talk about what this is, some clarification. At least on his part. I dont want him to get the wrong impression. But I think he thinks he controlled this to what it is. LMAO. But like I said, this is nothing new to me. This is what I do with men. None of them have been special enough to have my love. So sexing is cool with me. Nothing new. November 20, 2012 He asked me last night to hang out (this is night number 3 with him- night number two that is comprised of sex and molly) We listened to this c.d. I burned. We walked through the door and he said, do you want something more comfortable to put on? And I said, No, Im just going to take off my clothes. The words that stood out to me this night and he knew it would of course. Youre an unbelievably strong girl. And extremely mature for your age. I feel like Im talking to someone a couple years younger than me. I know women twice your age that dont have a quarter of the strength you have. From the little Ive gathered about you, youve been through a lot of shit.- I had said, Thats because Im an old soul. He looked at me and said in return, I think Im an old soul too. This is where I wanted to die because I had already known this. In fact I have a good idea about who this man was. Because I know who I was in my recent past life. My Nonna had told me. She had told me she thinks I am her mother. In other words, I am my great grandmother. When I was a little girl, a lot of strong sentences came out of my mouth. Nonna had been brushing my hair and I saidDo you remember when you were a little girl and I used to brush your hair? Thats only one example. She holds the rest.

I never actually thought that I had been through a lot. I remember saying to a couple people I thought I had a really good life. My aunt looked at me and said I didnt and I have been through a lot at such a young age. Another time I was speaking to my aunt I said to her, I feel like Im too mature for a lot of people I hang out with. Or a lot of people I know regardless. She told me thats because you had no choice but to mature at your age. December 4, 2012 Id rather bottle my emotions like I do and pretend I dont have any. He is not the type of man I should have feelings for. He is mentally abusive. We can play mind games but too much is not good. I cant even take it. He had told me he had something he wanted me to think hard about and he was going to text me the questions. He told me to guess some lotto numbers. I told him to never talk to me again. How dare you. I think he was- mocking the fact that I am an intuitive girl. And I know this. But just in his defense he was thinking it was a joke. How dare you disrespect me on that level. Besides, I dont know everything and I never claimed to.

December 10, 2012 Neither of us want to surrender. So we both suffer. Its just a mental war. For some reason we both want to just tear eachother down. He patiently waited. Opened my shell a little. The smallest crack he got. I know while he was trying to get me to have feelings for him, he gained interest in me. He got me to cry by asking the right questions. I held him tight and he mirrored me as I strongly tried to speak the truth. The sorrow slips in and the pain is released through my eyes. I never cried about my past like this. Its like, something he didnt do on purpose-or did he? He surfaced my emotions for me. He could just be using myself against me. Did I hurt him when I told him to leave me alone? I learned some things from this experience. CONTROL. Too bad all the sex was loveless. I enjoyed one time out of the few times we

had sex. But he fucked me good all night. But I have never been loved. In due time, the right man will. I do care about him more than I project. All day before the last time we saw eachother I couldnt stop daydreaming about just simply touching him. I dont know why I just wanted to touch him. I didnt have feelings for him, why would I have felt this? It just possessed my mind. Him liking it was a dream. Am I genuinely starting to have feelings for this man? Or is Molly coming in the way of the truth? Is the enjoyment sincere? Look what she did to me. I gave you a chance Molly and you turned on me. Now, its a problem. I dont wanna let go. This man is all too familiar to me. Its weird. It goes beyond the mental wars and past the physical. Its not even sexual as much as I can cover up and say it is. Its spiritual. I loved touching him more than I loved him touching me. The problem I predicted. December 16, 2012 Give me something to chase. Give me something to love and I will for moments. Give me something to work towards and if it appeals enough Ill let it take over me. Ill go and get it. But it better be worth it. Thats my only motivation; future. Future is something I have a lot of faith in and chase hard. Something I will never turn against. Some of these men I love to play, I cant lie. But I dont love these men. They are all the same. This is something that I have that a lot of people who are like me would admire. Something soulful going on. This man knows this too. Weve been together for a long time. Its hard to break this. How could I have let a man like this in my life every other lifetime? When Im in his presence, since October this is what I thought this was. Its very powerful and hard to break. A violation of thoughts. I cant believe I allowed tear confessions. I never cry in front of people. It makes me uncomfortable. I cant stand to have people see me cry. And I certainly have never cried in anyones arms before. This is hard and painful. He is taking away experiences for me I wanted to save for another man. A man I knew who was true and truly cared about my well being. He unraveled my emotions in short timing. Instead of denying my tears I held him tighter. How did I come to this? Words coming out of this mans mouth didnt go to or through my ears. But his presence pierced my soul. He murdered my track. He slaughtered my routine. Defying everything I went against, especially in just sexing with men.

No relations. No emotions. I should have known better than to bypass what I usually do. I should have left it after I let him have it. That is what I usually do. How come I felt like I couldnt? Was he that controlling? No it cant be just that. I have dealt with many men like this. My presence was physical but yet how did my spirit reveal itself so naturally? May the water help the flames to never get too big. Let this burn so gently on the solid earth beneath them. As the air makes sure that the flame is never to be taken out by the water. They all need each other. December 17, 2012 Putting my head between my legs and screaming may be a cheaper solution than what I doshop. When the weather is miserable, I am too. When the clouds open up and let it pour, I feel it. And it hurts, inside, outside, emotionally and physically. You cant force yourself to sleep when you just simply cant. You cant force happiness when your miserable. But some people can lie to themselves. Lie to themselves so much they believe it just as much as do others. His words are lies. So much that I think sometimes he believes himself. Is that how he keeps himself entertained? His mind is like a spider web weaved so thoughtfully with specific design. And he knows how to catch the right flys-slowly, meticulously and intellectually. Im merely a fly that got caught in his web; I saw the web the entire time too. That is what is so upsetting. Sad and unfortunate but true. They lie. Everyone. Even I have lied before. Especially about the other half of the reason why I didnt have any sexual relations on the first night. Some lies are necessary. But his are malicious and reoccurring. I see not one full truth in the words that come out of this mans mouth. He knows I know. The truth masked with lies on a profound level. Most times I laugh it off and give it to him. Today he called me. The first time in three weeks. Killed me. Ate me away. Not due to particular feelings I have and deny. But because I thought we were friends? He seduces men and women because he knows he can. He knows how intellectually superior he is to others and its sad. It must make him feel

good. He must have had a powerless childhood-out of his control. Im sorry if you did and you went through things with others that lead you to believe that you have to have control over people today. Its sad. I truly am sorry if you never wanted to be controlled by a person, so you mentally control them. Im not sure of your past-but I cant imagine yours wasnt easy either. Do you relive your high school years through me? Or do you like that Im not interested in love? Do you like that I am hard to deal with? What is it? My looks? My personality? Im passive and easy to push around? Loveless sex? Please tell me December 25, 2012 I heard from a co-worker (our mutual friend) that he is getting married. He got engaged to this woman the same month we began to speak. And I guess he moved in with her in November or December. I knew he was talking to someone. I didnt know he was getting married. He told my co-workers on purpose. Let me take a look at this I hurt his feelings by telling him to not talk to me anymore (or did he do that lotto joke on purpose so I wouldnt?) so in his little vindictive mind-the words he would speak were to work in his advantage. I think he purposely had it come back to me that this was going on in his life. To try and hurt me. You have so many people fooled dont you? Your in love with another woman and you call me everyday? 14 years apart, I know this bothered you and you even asked me. But that isnt what things are about. That doesnt matter anyways. What did you expect me to say? Age is nothing to me. I am not a mistress. I am not to be used by men. I am not an option for you. Nor will I be in the future. Affairs are not an art I possess. My emotions are not a thing to be unleashed to the wrong man. I do not have boyfriends... (Besides this man I talked to for a little, the only thing I had that I called a boyfriend was this guy I met and dated in jail. I saw him under 10 times. I stayed with him because I felt that he needed me and I fell in love with his family. He needed my moral support. He needed me to teach him

things about life. And which I did. I wrote him so much; they sent back my 28 letters. I called the facility and they said they sent back my 28 letters because I sent them all in one day and it was too much. What can I say? I may have not let him have me emotionally to the fullest and we missed 75% of a real relationship. But I made him feel good and I was always there for him. Until the day came when he had stopped thinking of me as much. Everytime he would think about me I would feel it in my body, if he received my letter I would feel it in my body. I knew when he was sleeping and when he woke up. It was a connection I had grown with him. I had a low self esteem and let him boss me around and lie to me and manipulate me. He used to act stupid a lot too on purpose. He wanted to see how much he could get away with. I always thought he was writing to a bunch of girls but that was ok. Until I wasnt the only one on his mind. Even if he was faithful, I wasnt the only one in his thoughts. And it hurt. My family and friends said I was with a guy in jail so1-I could have control over the situation 2-I could be with a man without having to get too close 3-I had a low self-esteem 4-I could use him as an excuse to decline men around me. I believe all of these were true. But like I said, I liked his family a lot) Anyways, I caught more feelings than I wanted to have. That is why. You hurt me on purpose. More than I can handle. I dont care how many past lives I have went through with you, I know what kind of man I deserve. I want a man who deserves me just as much as I deserve him. You do know more than Ive ever told to another man, but thankfully you dont know everythingyoud probably just use it against me. I dont know why I told you some things. I just felt like it was ok. Thats all. But I shouldnt have. Things I wont dare directly write in my journals. So you go home like you will, lying and acting-like you do and pretending everything is ok. Leading your partner to believe that your truly who you are. She must really believe you, cause you can have anyone you want. Cause you know how to get people to like you. Youre a such an honest and trust worthy man.

December 26, 2012 Do you understand the severity of words? How about meaning? Friendship? It seems unreal that this happened and that this is the truth. But it is. He just seems to never know how to leave me alone every lifetime. Like a promise sworn not to be broken. Pinkies interlocked. The bond is soft and strong and wont ever be lost. But I just dont want it to be found. Even though somehow it always is. No one would even understand anything if they saw. No one ever does when they see. Seeing is only half the truth. The other half isnt meant to be found by anyone else. People will only understand when they feel. I have found my place though. Its finally over the clouds and past the rainy days. No one else can find it because they dont dare try.

December 30, 2012 Let me ask you a question, even though you may lie about the answer or tell the truth and make it seem like a lie Have you ever sat in your car crying early early in the morning? With your hands cradling your eyes. Your thinking about how far things went? How it shouldnt have gone that far? Because now your upset about the loss? Well, its time to act upon realization. Its time for you to leave me behind. Stop holding onto memories that shouldnt have happened. Shouldnt have gone too far. Those times thinking about me on your way home. Its only you logically. You used to call me on your way home. Remember when you used to call me early in the morning? And hang up? You probably didnt even put your phone to the ear half the time. So I would wake up and see your missed call. Cause you wanted me to think about you? How sweet that you tried so hard, huh? Time to turn this into a stepping stone and continue working my way up. Something I walk on with my feet. Laying behind me like my past. At least I had no intentions of hurting you. Even though that is what happened. I dont want to be your friend. Even though I know I was a good one. I dont want to be your mistress, your lover, your future girlfriend,

your acquaintance. I want nothing to do with you. I want nothing more than for you to stay out of my life. Your intentions are not honorable towards me. I watch everyone else around you fall to the ground due to their ignorance of your convincing persona you portray. I liked those things about you that you never spoke. I didnt believe too much of what you said. Even when I knew it was the truth it just sounded like the rest of your words lies. You can be off now. Find someone else to fall for your shit. There is no need to come back to me, which I know you will. There are other women out there who do believe you. Convince them to be your mistress and friend. The way you thought you did it with me.

December 31, 2012 A man who can understand without trying. Who will know that there is more to me than anyone realizes. A man whose presence makes dropping our guards effortless. Who can open me up and let me feel complete. Who respects me on deep profound levels. A man that can be my lover; when the passion fades-my friend. Let me go when I ask, keep me when I wanna stay. Hold me when I need you to and I will in return do the same. January 3, 2013 His music takes over my body, mind and spirit. You are a work of art. I never felt so strongly about someones music. I fell in love with what you know about life that I didnt know others truly knew about. Your song stopped me instantly. When I heard it I was wondering why I was locked out of heaven for this long. Keep singing away my life. You do it so naturally.

An artist, a prisoner, a one night lover, a lost soul and a woman. I have a lot to offer this world. But to only those who are willing to listen. I am not an option for any man. They are my options. I dont fall in love with them. They fall for me. I dont mean to do it. January 7, 2013 I know you wake and feel me. I know when I run through your mind. Be it a second or an hour. I dont have to do anything to make you remember me. What you know and feel is enough. Wearing that same deadly outfit. The first one and the last. I should have known. It was your own words that made you to where you are today. Too many encounters with one man is deadly. I choose my life. To save it. Not end it by anothers decisions. Let alone another man. The first night with Liar was predetermined by my previous sexual encounter. A guy attempted to impregnate me to keep me around. I wanted him to sex me and he wanted to be with me. This guy had even admitted he did this on purpose so you cant ever leave me he said. Can you imagine? That was only after seeing this guy a couple nights (within 2 weeks). This is what I lied to the man about. I told him I dont want to have sex with him because then he will leave. But I am not that desperate for attention, I can find it else where. He didnt need to know that though. It was none of his business. I am a new era. A woman of my time. So deep I cant even climb out of my own words. These men need to leave me alone. At least the ones who dont understand on the level I wish. I wont be with you wrong men, sorry. You wont get a relationship out of me. You must have everything or I want nothing. I do not need a man. A man is someone who needs me.

January 7, 2013 All the experience that builds all the confidence that sways others opinions-changes how you feel about yourself. They tell you-have some more confidence in yourself when you have that confidence they just knock you and tell you your too cocky. All the locks were locked. More than one lock up the crack. Like slits on a suicidal girls arm-consecutive tears. Knob, hook, chain, pad. Someone save me, please. I remember those knives being thrown and I remember the spirits watching. I remember watching this happento me. The independence, the pain, the abandonment and the understanding of a girl so young. She was right, maturity was no option. Growing up in a house full of people was the loneliest place I could have been. 5 MEN, one woman. He didnt want to try because he knew it was too late. He let his daughter go in the other room all those years. The door right next to his. He left and escaped his own pain, drifted off into his own world; little did he realize he was causing pain to another. Its ok. I forgive you. I know you feel like Im too old now and whats done is done. But thats ok. No one is perfect and you were young. She ran away from her problems and left me there too. It wasnt just one of you. Things happen. My past helped to build my future and still is. It made me who I am today. I understand you both went on and paved new lives. But the thing is, you both forgot about the one life you created. And tried to ignore it by keeping it out of your life. Carrying on and creating a new future for yourselves. Having your thoughts connected with others is painful. Its too much to handle. Crying when theyre not even your own tears. Crying because you physically feel someone elses emotions. Its a lot for someone to deal with. Especially someone who doesnt feel their own emotions. Hearing those people talk to me, seeing them because they want to go to where they belong. They want me to cross them over. Im scared. Scared of myself. I cant even escape this madness when I fall asleep. If I fall asleep too deep my spirit drifts. It drifts too far. Ive been to Africa twice that I can remember. I saw that single mother with her son. They slept on the floor in a room. It seemed sad, but what was so funny about it is that

they knew that the material possessions in life was not what it was about. They were genuinely happy and grateful for what little they had. Books just piled from floor to ceiling. And they should be. How about that woman, that white woman running from that man who tried to take something from her. Something she wasnt willing to give him. She ran up the train tracks and ran for her life. How was nobody around for her? When I was waking up from these dreams I knew they were more than just dreams. They were real. My stomach was in severe pain. It had felt like someone had tried to jab their hands up and under my rib cage. And someone was clawing at my stomach. My insides were twisted. The doctors didnt think it was anything. I knew what it was. So I had gone to my Nonna. Before I even told her what was going on with me she had already known. She stopped me from even starting and said-I forgot to tell you, you need to start protecting yourself before you go to sleep at night, thats what Joyce said. I was speechless. I did exactly what she had told me to do. Picture a gold ring around my body. Its sad and hard. I know I am special, but not superior. I am put on this earth for a reason. To help the world see something. Something they cant . I smell the pain, I see the people, I feel the truth, I hear the earth, it needs me. Its dying without my words. My messages must be heard and they will be. I cant leave my thoughts alone. What hurts more than anything is when youre hurting and others feel your pain. All the experience that builds. That is what my parents gave me when they left me hanging. It taught me to not give myself to just anyone. I was scared to give it to the wrong person. I thought I could have trusted my parents, the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and be there for you no matter what. That is ok though. Because like I said, now I know when the right man will come into my life. To save myself for him. I am not a stupid girl, I know a true man when I see one. They helped me more than hurt me and so did this man. January 8, 2013 Dont stop. Youll fight hard and forever. Dont ever settle

Am I supposed to settle for this man in jail? Who tried to get me to exercise? Dye my hair? Get tattoos? Manipulate me? Control me? How about Men who are married and pretend to love me and use emotions to get what they want from me? Conspire against me secretly? Honesty goes far for women like me. I dont ask for anything hard. But how he feels about me, not his money, who understands me, nurtures my spiritual side instead of playing with it, similar values, be with me for life, runaway with me and hide if I wanted to hide from the rest of the world. Would you keep me in your arms forever? Would you hurt me if I opened up? Manipulate my weaknesses to your advantage? Control me? Send me indirect messages to avoid a forthright conversation? In return of what I want I would be there forever, take care of my man in any way I can, love him. I know what I deserve and its about time I chalked up some self-esteem. I dont think I am the prettiest woman out there, but there are people who think I am good looking and it helps me. Regardless, there is a man out there for me and Im here for him. Ill know when there is a man who has everything I want. Time to focus on the truth. Dont stop here, or settle in life for this lifestyle, or these men. You know how to fight, so just keep doing what you know how to. Keep your determination in sight. Dont let anyone ever get in the way of your dreams. If they do, knock them out and leave them behind. I dont care how many people laugh at my dreams, I genuinely believe in them. Zero doubt is found within me. I have fire pumping through my body like never before. That is because Im ready to chase my dreams. I know they will be heard. I know they will come to the light. It will happen. You may have hurt my feeling but, you did not break my heart, you did not break my soul, and you wont ever break my spirit. My past was made for me. Im not planning on stopping either. Take what I have to say to heart, cause youll need it. January 6, 2013 Someone to share it with. Feel it with. To leave our past together, ignite the present and to dream and live through the future. Nothing but pure love to share with a man. No one has ever gotten it. I wanna get lost with someone. Hes looking for me too. I know you are. Your out there somewhere. Waiting for me. Someone who can find my mind, its been lost for too long. Someone to come and set me free.

Listen to me more than I know. No pressure, no stress, no games, just love. Please, I want it all or nothing at all. I want everyone to be jealous. I want no one to understand on any level how deep it goes. I only looked but I never got touched. Love me down; they dont need to know about us. Where are you? This loneliness kills me so silently.

January 10, 2013 I can be anything because I want everything. You Liar, when you come back, because you always doDONT. Stay away from me and please faithfully take into consideration my words. It will not be a happy thing. We cant be together. We wont be happy together. You simply gave me an example of how men take over women and how women take over men. Something that falsely happens. My man is coming to wash away the past and build strong foundations of the future. Please, Im begging you. You will be happy with whatever it is your doing and I will be happy with where I know I am headed. Please, I just want to be happy. Thats all I want from life. Cant you let me have that? That one thing? Ive been fighting for so long. We wont have that together. You wont ever do me right anyways. I dont trust you, Im sorry. Dont think about me, I dont want to hear it. Dont cry about me, I dont want to feel it. And when I runaway, dont find me, I dont want to see you. January 12, 2013 I got to where I am because I believed in myself. Isnt it a shame that youll never know who genuinely likes you for you? Because you just manipulate people into liking you?

Hold me with your eyes, envision me with your hands, hurt me with your words, surround me with your lies, make me feel so good, and then tear me down. Love me, then burn me, its ok; I want you to be nothing more than yourself.

January 13, 2013 Im not here to be a role model nor am I here to show off. Im here to tell you who I am and where Ive come to at this point in my life, my conscious state. Im here to share a story, my feelings, my fire and beliefs, show you what needs to be fixed. How I feel about the world, what is worth it and what isnt. How to see who is false and who would be real, my deepest desires to be fulfilled. Im not here for your criticism, to be ragged on about my decisions. Its my heart, my mind and my life. How would you like it if I made your heart decisions for you? Easier to tell someone than to do. I do what I want. I make my own decisions; I have my own feelings, views, feet, hands, heart and eyes. I will listen to this advice because it is vital. The woman who laid out the cards, who I WILL take her advice, as hard as it will be. I will fight against it.

January 16, 2013 Let me be against you. Just love me for the night, let me in, and dont even speak to me. Put me to bed and let me go. Lets tell the truth. Let me hear your presence and feel your love. I hate you. Let me be. Youll read these words one day and understand. I can imagine to the people out there that it is hard to deal with loss when its your first time losing. Its supposed to be lost though so dont go finding it.

January 25, 2013 Mouth full of lies, filled up to the brim your in way too deep to even swim. January 27, 2013 Lacey, Please pull your hands away from your eyes. Look how far youve come. Look at yourself. Please. Free yourself from these thoughts, from emotions. Walk away. It will not be good for you. You need someone who wants nothing more than to protect you from the bad. Not be the bad. I would like it if you left these men behind. At least leave them alone, so theyll leave you alone. Do you remember the first night? You politely implied the next day you didnt want to see him again. Didnt you say you thought he was with someone? Didnt someone out of the physical say something too? He blew you off and only talked to you until you were comfortable enough to sleep with him. You knew what was going on the entire time. You told me so. You told me what he was doing, had done and was going to do. He has disrespected you too much. One too many lifetimes. Its enough. Your great grandmother-you, need to end it. Doesnt he imbed secrets in his lies? Pretend to lead you to believe certain things? Because that is the closest you have let someone in? You know better. You told me so. He is bad for you. Nonna told you what her mother was saying, he is a snake charm. If you go with him, you will be unhappy. The story her mother toldthat her husband (in my past life my husband-my great grandfather) grew up in Pico, Italy. He came over and swept Great grandma off her feet. The problem was He was manipulative, lying, mentally hurtful and suffocated my great grandmothers flame. He grew up in Italy around all women so when he grew older he realized he never wanted women to ever have control over him. So he control and manipulated everyone. Dont give into this. Lacey, you need to be strong. I know you will be. I know you will fight against everything. I know you will take their advice and stay away. Lori had told me about a Peter and a Mathew and had implied for me to choose one of them-saying they were both great guys for me. She said this, Dont pick the Liar. Funny, because that is what I tend to call this man. He was in my phone as something like Lying

Prick. I know you will do the right thing. I have a lot of encouragement. Including me encouraging myself. Remember that you have control over your future. You have the power to choose the man. Pick the right one Lacey. I know you miss me, and you know I miss you too. I know we have mutual feelings. But its not ok. And it needs to be let go of. If its you that had cried a couple times in the morning there is nothing to cry about, it was great but it had an expiration date. Its past expired. Im sorry for hurting you. I truly am. And for the man in October, who I wont name or talk about too much. Im sorry. I know you cried about me and said You really loved [me] but I didnt feel the same. You didnt love me right. I lied to you and told you I loved you because you lied to me and told me you loved me. It wasnt sincere and neither were you. And neither was what we had. Not even a silent friendship. Just some lust and abuse. Sorry for that. I know I just left you and never came back. But you were not what I was looking for.

January 29, 2013 If I focus on the things that get in my way or can get in my way, my goal seems so much harder to get to. That isnt my consistent mind set though. Im fearless and ready. Pushing any motherfucker to get in my way. My life and my childhood were all being set for me specifically. Me to be who I am today. Thats why I forgive the people who did all those things to me. They know who they are. I lived with my paternal grandparents yes, in Salem,MA. But they had already raised 5 children and taking responsibility for someone elses child is a lot. Which I understand. Living in and out with different people and homes, in between NY and MA-yes it can hurt. But it doesnt. Pain isnt forever. It does pass. I have fought so hard I was build up for a life like this. My past was meant for me. Ill still fight. Im going to get everything I want and no one will stand in the way of my goals. Anyone who tries to bring me down will

be brushed off or just cut out of my life. Anyone who knows me knows I dont have a difficult time with cutting people out of my life. Ask all the people I dont talk to anymore. I am willing to tackle any obstacles or go around them. I am going to pave my way to my dreams no matter how hard it is. Ill fight my mind. Ill fight anyone. Ill fight my goal. Most importantly, Ill fight my heart. For all the men and women, to my friends and family, dont settle if you think there is something that you dont deserve in a relationship, that is what my aunt taught me. Fight your heart and listen to your logic, feel your intuition. Fight it. I dont care what it takes. Find someone to explore your soul with you. Someone on the same page as you. Someone who makes life worth living. Someone who shows you that world youve never seen before. Who teaches you what your really worth.

February 4, 2013 You see, it will never have proper closure. Because it never had a proper beginning. How to escape something so powerful? Proper closure is something that was clearly struggled with. He wont let me go. And next lifetime youll find me again. And maybe I wont even give you the time of day because clearly I learn more everytime my soul enters a new body. But I am determined to find a man this lifetime, soulmate or a fated relationship that we can start new and meet every lifetime after this. Here is a toast! A toast to that asshole who tries to disillusion you. The words I wanted to ignore so badly. He cant even deny half the things I write. Even though hes allergic to the truth. By the time hes willing to speak the truth, it will be too late. Im not an option for you. I never will be. I dictate my own life. Not telling the whole truth to keep his power over me. I have never disliked someone so much and

have feelings for them at the same time. Thank God it was stopped before love accumulated. Or am I too late? Am I denying it? It cant be there is not a thing I love about you. Taking one encounter at a time. Each word by heart. Each thought with soul. The first man, will hold my past, present, future, dreams and fears and keep them from hurting me. February 5, 2013 Why would he come to my job? And talk to our mutual friend? You couldnt have called him? Just tell me the truth-you missed me. You know you want an affair with me. I know you feel this extra world around us too. But I dont care. Im staying away from you. February 6, 2013 If I run, hell try and trip me. Obviously I cant hide, hell find me. My phone off, no facebook either, no nothing. Show up at my front door step if you wanna see me, write me a letter if you wanna talk to me. That is how I always felt, a little old school, yes. But its how you know who really wants to be in your life. It hurts so bad. Its like taking drugs-theyre bad for you and you know they are but they feel so good so you do it for your greedy moments of beauty. It hurts more to talk to him than it does to stay away from him. Once I let it go, I knew it was the right thing to do. I was headed in the right direction. I was so unbelievably happy when he was gone. With my happiness came a whole new level for me. This is my year approach. Turning everything I felt into something productive. Exercising, writing, waiting for school to come around, making people laugh, being my old self again. Throwing away old things, sorting through my thoughts, feeling the conflict. My logic is fighting my heart. But my logic will hopefully beat the shit out of my heart, it has my whole lifeso I know it will. He sees me as a target? An easy one? A challenge? What is it? Why me? I vowed and still hold to it, to be the best girlfriend to my first man. And I know I will do everything I can. Not to a man who tries to steal something from me. I wanna be able to give it willingly. My love. No man has crossed that. Not to a man who is a con artist. The worst part is I knew he was doing it. And I allowed it. How could you Lacey?

You show up at my job, to talk to Scott. Asking Scott to have me call you? Who did you really show up for? You couldnt have called Scott? I told Scott, This man is back with some half ass story thats probably half a lie because he misses me and wants an affair with me. Or at least a love confession from me. Scott agreed with me and said, Hey I have nothing to say, its not my business. But I totally agree with you. Im sure you had a reason for me to want to call you. Asking Scott and texting him to have me call you. To ask me a general question? You cant just tell the truth sometime? I remember one morning in January I believe that someone was listening to a song and thinking of me absolutely weird. I didnt even know this song, but I have heard it before. I never listened to it. I thought it was about death. So this was weird to me. It was Every breath you take by Sting. Who was listening to this? It was one of two guys listening to this. Whoever that was. (I honestly am unsure of who it was) I heard you I know when a few people are thinking of me. It is a feeling that I physically feel. So no confusion is brought up IT IS NOT A FEELING WHEN I THINK OF SOMETHING AND THEN I FEEL IT. IT IS A FEELING THAT I FEEL OUT OF NO WHERE. It is not self inflicted. In fact, after seeing him show up at my job to talk to my co-worker. A week later, I was sitting in class like the good student I am, and this feeling of someone thinking about me was not only the typical feeling but it was intense and sad and strong and fantasizing. I knew who it was. I had to get up and leave class. Just to be sure I knew it was him, I texted this man and let it go out of my mind. I continued to keep my mind off it. Then this explosion in my body took over. The strongest I felt all day long. I had texted him and told him to Stop doing it I know it is you. Later on that day he tried to call me and I ignored his call. A couple minutes later my eyes started to tear and then they went away. But I wasnt upset. I wasnt upset about anything actually. So did your eyes tear? And I just acted out your feelings? After the first time speaking to him after he showed up at my job, he got frustrated with me I guess and used the most common adjective people use to describe me, difficult. He apologized for yelling at me

after. So I again told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again. I later apologized and texted this to him ME: Im sorry you make me very mad and I lash out and say things I dont mean. Its easier to stay away from you. You are manipulative and you do lie. Ive never allowed myself to have anything with anyone. I dont want to get hurt. N for some reason I feel like you like to hurt me on purpose. And I dont know why you think its rational for me to let my guard down to someone like you. And I miss you and I know you miss me too! I have no idea how and why I told you half the things I did. Nobody knows any of the shit I told you. So its easirr and just logical to stay away from you. Your just mean to me. Now let me break down what he did to me HIM: Im hungry Now let me point out that he is saying this to lead me to believe we are going to hang out. When I know better. (later through the conversation) HIM: How did you know? That I miss you Now lets look at this. Here he opens me up on purpose and makes me vulnerable. (later text messages) HIM: I got something for you The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her. (Bob Marley) Now let us look at that. This is where he hurts me on purpose while Im vulnerable. Implying he wont love me and he doesnt. Which is a lie, because he does have feelings for me. Just one day of talking to this man, the mental abuse to endure is a kill to the brain. Straight shots of pain.

February 9, 2013 So I vented to my girlfriend and discussed the return of this man. I vented as to why he was mean to me. She stood up for him and said, Well look at it, he obviously has feelings for you. You hurt his feelings and tell him to stay away from you when he clearly wants to talk to you. Well I have come to terms with my feelings and I know I definitely have some but I cant be around this man. I refuse. We both constantly hurt each other its just too painful. I dont do it on purpose to him but when I do-he retaliates and does it on purpose to me. I cant have any relations with a man like this. I dont understand why he wants something with me. Having two hearts belong to you is pure selfish. It would hurt me more to be with someone like this than it is to let him go. I think with someone like you, I would just feel tied down; restricted. A close friend of mine has been struggling for years to release her ex from not only her heart but also her head. She is 21 and he is 19. He is hooked on the needle, dropped out of school and fucks with her head as a hobby. He is mean to her, rejects her whenever she returns and tries to intentionally hurt her. After some time I realized the truth behind him. He doesnt do it out of sincere rejection. He does it because he knows what she is worth and that she deserves more than he can give her. He just doesnt want to tell her. So I am for him. That is a man caring for his woman. Letting her go, because he knows its the right thing to do. Its difficult for them. All they do is try to one-up each other and hurt each other constantly. And it works. Its just as painful to watch them stab each other. Staying away just makes sense. Its beneficial to both of us. This man will just make a mess. Hell be back, who can resist the pull? Just add another link to this chain February 10, 2013 Inability to proceed but inability to withdraw. Something is in desperate need of change. There are things to be learned from this. It is quite obvious there is a specific reason for this meeting. A specific importance. I will stay away from you. I have to. I know this. You just dont make me happy. At all. But

yet I miss you when your gone? Talking to you though makes me just as miserable. Ill be happy with him and youll be happy with her. Its ok that no one knows the truth nor will they understand. But we do. He can lie about it, and I can stay quiet about it. Everyone sees the reality but we dont. He knows what Im talking about. Id love for a confession. A confession to tell me Im unloved, but the catch is, for it to be true. Its ok though, I wish for you to proceed in your direction so I can proceed in mine. I didnt put your name because you know who you are and it is unnecessary for anyone to know. I hid your identity to protect you. I do not wish to ruin your life. Nor will I ever intervene. I do not wish for you to ever leave your woman for me. I am never and will never envy her place. I wish the best for her and you. I want nothing more for you to stay with her so I can stay with the man who is about to enter my life. She saw him as the love of my life and I am more than excited. And cant wait for him. So you can be with her and I can be with him. She knew I would figure out who Peter was, and she knew no one would believe me when I told them. She was right. Hell will know when he reads this, and I cant wait to finally meet you. Because Ive been waiting. Waiting for 20 years for this moment. I kept myself away from something like this for so long to prevent this pain. But its ok. A heartbreak was on my checklist anyways. Besides, its what I deserve. My sincere apologies to all the men I made feel like this. February 12, 2013 Im sorry but you hurt me too much I cant even handle it. Its easier to not even speak to you. I feel that you are being selfish. You lie too much and you manipulate people too much, its wrong! I tried ending this the day after I met you. And times in between then and now. I am not the vindictive one here and thats obvious. Ive tried running and ignoring you without telling you to stay out of my life. I dont want

you out of my life secretly. But its clear that is the right thing to do. The only realistic solution to end this problem. You are not right for me nor do you deserve my love. Thats all I have to offer and I want it to be one man and one man only. I know you miss me when Im gone and I miss you just as much. I understand I am difficult. I havent met one person that thinks otherwise. I know I can hurt you by things that I say but I dont try to hurt you on purpose like you do to me. You hurt me out of pain while I hurt you out of anger. You know I have feelings for you and while Im vulnerable, you hit me with that Bob Marley quote? That hurt at first. Until I realized that youll be my option one day. I hope you prove me wrong and do whats best for us. I never felt so conflicted in my life. I never thought that it would hurt so much to talk to someone so shortly. But it does. I want to know your motive. This is not what I do with men. I dont like to hold even sexual attachments. You wont abuse what I offer. I didnt realize until this past summer men dont like to be used for sex. I guess it hurts their feelings. But Im not here for them and their hearts. None of them were that special to me, sorry. Dont act like you guys didnt secretly like it.

February 17,2013 Take into consideration happiness and pain. Forever is my interest. Sex or forever. No half assing. My past lives are relying on me. This soul wont hurt me no more. That is who you are and you will never change. I cant hold onto this, it will just bring me down in life. I will fight this natural pull. I dont care how addicted I feel. Cutting the string. I need to save myself for someone else.

I remember having to leave class because his thinking of me had my body going through fire. It was sad and upsetting. I had to leave. These storms will pass. They will only make good advice to others. For the collection of rocks that stand below by feet. Like a man who takes over his land. Conquering it. Sticking his flag in to understand how far youve come. Only making my bridge bigger. That bridge that makes you one with yourself. Every word I hear is another puzzle piece that builds my body to be solved. When the world finally understands. Understands its not about what we can gain from others but what we can do for others. That the more you let go the more you gain. The bad things in life that you hold such attachments to need to be let go of so you can gain more and better for yourself. But the catch is you cant be expecting to receive. Then only, will the world be complete itself. But maybe it wasnt meant to be complete I wish you understood Im not trying to protect my own feelings but yours as well. You can run away from your feelings and suffocate them like they dont exist. But you and I know the truth. And no one else will know if were telling it. Because its clear we both want to lie about it.

February 20,2013 I am making a vow to myself here and now. I shall continue the way I am and always will be. I have the strength to be myself. I have always shined through any and everything. Tackle my obstacles and fears ready to let go of the past. Forgiven everyone. But reminded that its never forgotten. Never ever let go of your dreams. And not one person is going to stop me. Im plowing anyone who tries to get in my way. I dare the fool who tries. Ill leave you alone like my past. Only to make me just as smart. I dont believe what others think of my dreams. Im not listening to them. Im reaching out for the stars.

You may hold a couple of my dearest secrets. But you, Liar, do not hold my heart. I refuse to be swayed by my emotions. My heart will not dare take over my brain for manipulated love. I dont care about the laughing I get from others, cause I laugh at them for laughing at me. That is because they are going to look like fools when my dreams bypass coming true. Because, my dreams are the truth. Arent you hungry for it? I wish the best of luck to anyone who doesnt believe in themselves. Ive come a long way. Ive fought the whole time with a smile on my face and courage in my heart. Ill fight life as much as t takes if that is what it takes to get to where I want to be. Victory wont taste as sweet to anyone as it will to me.

February 22, 2013 Showing up at my job (Im still at my first job Ive ever gotten, how faithful is that?). His story was that basically, his girlfriend kicked him out. What a liar. Liar liar. I will not have an affair with you. This loss of me is due to your own vindictive vices. That is ok, because I am saving my happiness for another man. You wanted to sex me. I let you have it. Now let it go. There is no need to drag out something past the expiration date. Things end for a reason. Relationships end for a reason. I promise they do. There is a reason for everything. I told you I missed you and nothing. I got nothing in return. And a few days later you take a picture of my house? And text it to me? At 5:59 AM. On valentines day. You ass. How dare you try to steal my love? Especially when I am not willing to give it to a man like you. Let us take a look at why I got upset with this. He told me I was confusing. And it seems that way, but look He sent me a picture for what? Because he genuinely missed me? Or because he wants me to think awe, he came to my house how cute I swear to God this man just wants me to fall in love with him. Almost like so he can have total control over me and use me how he wants.

Eat my soul out. February 24, 2013 Let me be the lover that makes you passionate, the friend to confide in, the girl who keeps you young, the woman who takes care of you, the inner child who keeps you alive, and anything else you want because you deserve it.

Febuary 25, 2013 I promise Im worth the wait. This dream is worth the chase. The results are worth the fear. The flame is worth the fire. The wood is worth the forest. The thoughts are worth the words. The words are worth the ink. The past is worth the future. The old love is worth the new one. I promise Im worth the wait. When you learn to let something go that you hold onto still, something better will arrive. So be patient. Im worth the past heart ache, I promise. Courage and insanity are soulmates. One couldnt live without the other. March 4, 2013 I remember waking up one morning. Early. Thoughts were running through my head. But they definitely werent mine. Someone had been thinking about me as a child. Someone had been wishing they could have saved me from my childhood. Something along the lines of growing up together, and helping eachother. Sad, isnt it? It almost made me cry. Almost made me cry. Someone wanted to save me. Someone wanted me to save them. Well, my dear whomever you are that was willing to save my childhood-if you did, I would not be who I am today. My childhood was not meant to be saved. It

needed to be exactly the way it was. If it was different, I wouldnt have come out the way I am today. One of my aunts had told me and cried that I couldnt have come out any more perfect. March 17, 2013 How dare you try to tell me I have my head too far up in the clouds. Maybe Reality stole your dreams when youd wake. But they didnt dare try and steal mine. No one ever will. Do not be the person to encourage me to follow my dreams then tell me they are unreal. I can dive into the sun and wake up in the ocean if I want. Just because that is my reality doesnt mean it has to be yours. Your right Liar, I do think I know everything. I do. I cant help what I feel is right. But I dont tell you facts and push hard that I believe that they are real. I tell you things that I feel. Not set in stone. And I push what I believe because that is who I am. I absolutely believe we have a very fascinating connection. With each other, God only knows why. There is a very important reason why you came into my life. I do believe that we need to leave it in the past, just like you believe.

Can you feel me now Lacey?!!

June 25, 2013 -Him

July 4, 2013 You may have been 20 years old before Liar, but you havent been 20 like me. You do not understand what I go through that makes letting go so difficult. You dont wake up on my schedule. You dont wake up at 3:30 in the morning to check the clock wondering how much longer you have to sleep. You dont wake up at 5 because of me. You dont feel emotions run through your body when your all alone and they come from no where because they belong to me. You dont feel that. I do. You didnt hear my reading inside your head. But I certainly heard yours. In fact as I was cleaning my room your reading was coming out of my mouth. My mouth opened and words came out. She is a very intuitive girl. Dont you remember what she said? Do you know if I wrote anything recently? Dont you believe me? I heard what she said and I saw what she saw. Im the girl of your dreams. I saw this myself and I heard it in my head. Whether that part was left out from her mouth-she saw it. I knew it, you verified it to me. I found out three years ago who I am suppose to marry. You found out a few months ago who Im suppose to marry. But just remember how much power people have to say no. Let us change this. Your love is nothing to me and makes me feel empty inside. It reminds me of layers of frosting over a cake. Everyone can see the frosting but who really knows about the cake? I didnt put my journal out to hurt your feelings. I put it out to justify mine. So tell the truth. Go ahead, tell them all your feelings for me are fraud. Make them laugh inside. Make them believe you. Make me believe you. I dont want anything of yours, so give it to her and some other women. After everything youve put me through, I will stride to change this future between us. Please, stay away from me. Stay out of my life. Stay off my street and stay out of my way. Because if you dont I will make you regret it, that I promise you. Goodbye you honest man. Goodbye.

Dear Eminem,
I wanna thank you for keeping my head up. Keeping it above water. You held my struggles together with your words like a knot. You made sure you took me with you when you were helping yourself. I held myself crying many nights to how real your music is to me. How real it is that someone goes through life and tells it exactly how it is. And gives hope to young people like me. I cant even hold back my tears to this keyboard. You have helped me so much. You have been a major key to my standing. Your motivational words, your inspirational thoughts. Your teaching kids like me to chase their dreams. And to get off your ass and be something. Teaching me that I dont have to be a prisoner of what my past had in store for me. That I can use it to actually stand stronger and be something. Teaching young women and girls and everyone that we shouldnt settle for anything less than we deserve. I always thought you were the one who was talking to me. You helped me cry and taught me how to fight. You gave me self esteem and you protected me from the world more than my own father has. You mean a lot to me and your music has helped me more than any therapist Ive seen. Thank you so much. You have helped me more than youll ever realize. I keep your words close to my heart.

A Letter To Bruno Mars

I fall asleep to the thoughts of you, I wake up to the voice of you. I keep your picture on my mirror so every time I look in it I understand my self worth. So I understand to never settle for anything less than a man I feel that I deserve. You help me get past the men who try to bring me down. Your picture as my backround motivates me to keep pushing my dreams no matter the level of difficulty. It helps me keep my dreams alive. I have something for you. Ive been searching for a man like you for 20 years. Ive been looking for you everywhere and I know youve been looking for me too. I wont give my love to just anyone. I want you so bad because you understand aspects of life that so many others would just brush off. The most vital trait Ive longed for in a man. A man who understands the soul in people. A man I never thought existed. A man who appreciates the beauty of life and everything it has to offer. You are the man Ive been waiting for. I may not have money and I may not have my virginity but I have nothing but the purest love to offer. An immense amount of love to offer. Ive been waiting. Waiting to give it to the right man. Someone I know who will appreciate my love and deserves every aspect of it. I never gave my love or my heart to a man willingly. And if they took it they didnt receive much of it. Its the only innocence I have left in me. Ive been protecting it my whole life.That is all I have to offer. To most people it doesnt sound like much. But to those who see through the superficial-its the world. I have no intentions of hurting you. Come and find me please. Ive been waiting.