New Moon: Edward’s POV

I hold no rights to anything. Based on “New Moon” by Stephenie

Meyer.
Chapter 4: Midnight, Again
I don’t know how long I’ve been here…….. Wherever I am.
Hours?
Days?
Weeks?
Month’s even?
All those are possible. I haven’t really been keeping up with
time. My eyes must be jet black from the lack of hunting. I don’t
care. I don’t have any energy to do anything but lay here. In my
miserable existence. With my eyes closed. Not closed to sleep or
rest. Huh, I wish!! But to see Bella’s beautiful face behind my lids.
To see soft crimson blush her cheeks, to see her eyes light up with
a big smile to welcome me, to watch her reddish-brown hair blow
in the wind, to get a glimpse of her soul by just looking into her
captivating chocolate brown eyes. Eyes that tell every secret,
every wish, every desire. Without needing her thoughts, because I
can’t hear them anyway, her eyes reveal everything that’s worth
knowing. They reveal how pure and genuine her heart is. The
selflessness she embodies. It’s astounding! I could lay here for the
rest of eternity and just picture her face in my mind. That face
alone would get me through every agonizing day without her.
I just laid there on the ground of some unknown forest,
replaying my last conversation with Bella over and over in my
head. Watching her expressions and her reactions as she believed
the lies I was telling her. Why? How could she believe me? It
surprised me, and tormented me, how easily and how soon she
accepted that I didn’t love her. I don’t understand. Never, in all
the time that I’ve known her, that I wanted to read her mind more
than in that moment when she accepted those words. Her
calmness. How could she be so calm? What did that calmness
mean? What was going through her head? I sighed and shook my
head at the frustration. The frustration and the pain of not being
able to ever ask her those questions……… Oh, my love. My Bella..
I was filled with so much happiness being with her. So much joy
and contentment. So at ease. I felt the sobs trying to break
through. At first, they were uncontrollable. In those first weeks. I
would shake uncontrollably while they tore through my chest. I
couldn’t stop them. I didn’t have the energy to. Or the will. I knew
that I deserved the pain I was enduring. That I am enduring. I
would gladly take pain much worse than this to ensure Bella’s
safety and happiness. Every time I thought of the pain I saw in her
eyes at my words, of the way her legs shook when she knew I was
about to make my exit, at her expression when she realized that I
was leaving without her, the broken sobs would escape from my
chest before I consciously gave them permission to do so. Each
time worse than the previous. The pain hadn’t gotten better.
Worse actually, the longer I was away from her. But I learned to
control them…most of the time. They still escape me from time to
time, when I let some of those haunting memories invade my
mind….well, okay, let is a bit of an understatement. But
nonetheless, I tried to control them.
There are no thoughts to intrude my mind in this wilderness
and nobody to bother me in my grief. Nobody to witness my self-
destruction. Nobody to…..
“I know he’s around here somewhere” Alice thought to herself
from somewhere close by, interrupting my reverie. I should’ve
known Alice would come and find me. I didn’t open my eyes to
find her. I didn’t even open my mouth to alert her of my location. I
wanted to be left alone. She should’ve seen that.
“Edward, where are …….” She said and then cut off when she saw
me laying there on the ground. Her thoughts went from confusion
to sadness. Remorse.
“Edward?” she asked but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. It felt
like if I opened my mouth the only thing that would come out
would be broken sobs. If I even opened my eyes. So just laid
there. Silent. Oblivious.
“Edward?” Alice said again. Impatient. If only she could read
minds, then I could tell her that I just want to be alone without
risking the breakdown that was sure to come if I made any move
to acknowledge her.
“Edward, I know you hear me” she said, finally getting irritated by
me ignoring her.
“What?” I said, teeth clenched. Surprised at how different my
voice sounded. It sounded husky. Probable from misuse. Couldn’t
she see that I didn’t want her to come find me? Couldn’t she see
that I just wanted to be by myself? To suffer by myself. What I
deserved.
“Edward, what are you doing?” she asked. I knew I had to say
something, Alice was stubborn enough to wait for an answer, no
matter how long it took for it to come. I would have to answer her.
The sooner I answer her, the sooner she would leave me to my
grief. I used whatever control I had left to speak to her, knowing
the control wouldn’t last long. I was already expending a
tremendous amount of control to keep myself from running back
to Forks and begging Bella for her forgiveness.
“Alice, what do you want? I know you saw that I wanted to be
alone. I know you saw that I would be angry by you showing up.” I
snapped at her, eyes still closed. A part of me knew that I
shouldn’t be using this type of tone with her, but the other part of
me really didn’t care.
“I just wanted to come and see how you were. I’ve watched you in
this forest every day, waiting for you to do something…….
anything. But you just lay here, day after day. Not moving an
inch. I was worried. We all are.” She said and her voice sank into a
deep sadness.
“How do you think I am, Alice? I’m miserable…….. No, that’s not
even a strong enough word. I can’t even describe what I’m feeling
right now. Everything hurts. Every inch of me is in agonizing pain.
She’s gone, Alice. GONE!!!!” and right then, as I screamed that
last word, the little control I had left melted away and broken sobs
started to escape from my chest. Why couldn’t there be a way to
prevent this? Why couldn’t there be any other way to make sure
Bella was safe? I loved her so much. More than anything. More
than myself. I yearned to see her, to feel her warm fingers curl
around mine, to feel her in my embrace as I wished that I could
mold our bodies together so that we would never be apart, to feel
her sweet lips move with mine with eagerness and excitement……
…..I sighed and whispered, “Bella,” Too low for even Alice to hear.
I shook my head mechanically to try to shake those memories
from my mind.
“Oh, Edward……I’ve never seen you in so much pain. I hate this.
Maybe we should just go back and figure something else out.
Maybe we can………” Alice said and then let her words trail off as
I finally opened my eyes and shot her a menacing look.
“THAT’S NOT AN OPTION,” I growled at her, emphasizing each
word, making her step back on her heels. If I could go back I
would. If there was another option, does she really think I
would’ve been able to leave in the first place?
“But look at what it’s doing to you. How much it’s hurting you.
This can’t be the right thing to do. Look at how much pain you’re
in.” she said, pleading. She wanted to go back to Forks, almost as
much as I did. I hated taking her away from her best friend, but
why can’t she see that there is no other choice. If she only knew
how much I wished it were that simple. That I could just go back
and make everything okay. Make our world safe for Bella. There
was no such thing as safe when it came to our world.
“Alice, please…….” I said, pleading with her, eyes closed again. It
was easier to stay calm when I closed my eyes. I saw Bella when I
closed my eyes. How could I not stay calm looking at that
beautiful face behind my lids.
“Edward, just think…………” she said but I cut her off. I can’t take
anymore of this.
“NO!!!! You’re making it worse than it already is Alice, and I didn’t
even think that was possible.” I opened my eyes and yelled at
her. Her expression caught me off guard. It was both of surprise
and pain. Surprise at the loudness of my voice and pain at the
severity of my words. As soon as I looked at her, my expression
calmed. I didn’t want to hurt her. I had done enough hurt to last a
lifetime. I didn’t need to add more unnecessary hurt to my list of
destruction. I just closed my eyes again, “Please, Alice……..
Please, just let me be alone right now. Please.” My voice broke on
that last word. I just wanted to lie here, alone. With my eyes
closed. When I opened them, reality hit, and I had to face the
truth. Bella wasn’t with me. I was alone. As I would be for the rest
of my life. Or for the rest of Bella’s life, I corrected myself. The sun
that had risen in the middle of my midnight had returned to its
rightful place. And my world was dark again. Darker than before.
Back to the unchanging midnight that had filled my life for so
many years. But……when I closed my eyes, the sunlight would
show itself, shining as bright as ever. And I could see my Bella……
….but only when I closed my eyes.
“But……” she started, but then stopped herself. Realizing that I
had nothing else to say, no doubt.
‘Just one more thing, Edward….’ Alice thought. What else could
she possibly want? I said nothing. Hoping that she would just
leave without another word. Wishful thinking……
“Will you come back to Denali with me? Everyone misses you. We
want to help you.” There was no helping me. Why couldn’t she
see that? I won’t get over this. It won’t get easier.
“Trust me, Alice,” I said, eyes still closed, “The others are better
off without me right now. It hasn’t even been that long……” I said
and then my brow creased as I realized that I didn’t even know
exactly how long I’ve been……where am I anyway?
“ Do you even realize how long you’ve been out here?” Alice
asked, echoing my thoughts. Of course I didn’t know. Or care.
“No”, I simply said.
“You’ve been out here for two months, Edward. You haven’t
hunted and you need to clean yourself up. This isn’t healthy” she
said.“ Everybody’s worried about you. Esme is worrying like crazy.
She asks me how you are every hour it seems like. Carlisle is
spending most of his time at work. Taking extra shifts at a hospital
he found up there. He says that he’s fine, that he’s not worried,
but I see him in his office sometimes, just sitting there with his
face in his hands, for hours at a time. I know he misses you. I
know you’re going through a rough time, Edward, but you do have
a family that wants to help you deal with this. Don’t shut us out”
she said. If I didn’t hate myself before she showed up, now I
despise myself. Leave it to me to hurt everyone I love with one
decision. In one blow. Is there no end to my destruction of others?
Maybe that’s my real purpose, to cause pain to everyone I come
in contact with.
“Alice, I’m so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. For hurting
you and everyone else. That was definitely not my intentions. And
I’m not trying to shut you guys out, I just don’t know how... how to
go on. To continue existing without her.”
“I don’t have the answer to that one. I’m not sure if there’s even
an answer. But you can try to deal with this and let us help. If it
doesn’t work out than you can always leave. At least then you can
give a proper goodbye to everyone and we won’t have to worry if
you’re okay. Please…… I don’t think I can take Esme’s pain
anymore. She’s so distraught. You know she always worries about
you the most. Please?” Why did she have to bring up Esme? She
knew how I hated to hurt her, and hearing about her pain only
made it worse. At the mention of Esme, my resolve started to
waver…..
I guess I could try to go back to my family. What will I do though?
Start over in a new high school? Start college? I have never been
this lost and confused in my entire existence.
“Ok, Alice” I said, finally giving in. “I’ll go back with you. I can’t
promise anything though.” I told her. Just imagining all the
thoughts that I’m going to have to endure. Not even including my
own.
“What do you see in my future, Alice? Do you see me getting past
this?” I asked, suddenly. Part of me didn’t want to know what my
future held. If Bella wasn’t in it, it really didn’t matter. But then
another part of me wanted to know how long this pain will last. If
it will ever get better.
“I don’t know. You haven’t made any decisions about anything.
You know that if the decision isn’t made I can’t see what will
happen…I wish I could say or do something to make you feel
better, Edward. I miss her too, but I know that it’s nothing
compared to how much you miss her.” Miss her, that was an
understatement. “ I’ve never lost anyone I loved the way you
loved her, I can’t even imagine how that must feel”
“I………” I tried to think of a way I could explain this to her. But I
couldn’t come up with anything that would sound even remotely
close to what I’m feeling, “I can’t really put it into words…….. I
have never felt any kind of pain like this before. It’s even worse
than my transformation. Not the physical pain, obviously, but pain
nonetheless. I would gladly go through transformation a thousand
times if I could have Bella in my life and have her happy and safe
at the same time. I just don’t what to do now……. it feels like I
was offered a little piece of heaven and then had it snatched
away from me. It’s like…….once you know what heaven feels like,
how can you go back to the way things were before?”
“Ummm………..” Alice murmured. I could tell she didn’t know
what to say. She wanted to find something to say or do to comfort
me, but she was at a loss. That’s a first for Alice. “Well, let’s get
you home” She simply said and helped me off the ground. She
put my arm around her neck and helped me up. It was then that I
realized I must have been here for as long as she said. I was very
weak. I could barely hold my own weight. That’s rare. Especially
for a vampire. But she didn’t say anything or think anything. She
just helped me up and waited until I regained some strength. She
even asked if I wanted her to carry me. At that I had to smile. A
half-smile, though, nothing but Bella would really make me smile.
I half- smiled, not because I thought she wasn’t totally capable of
carrying me and racing back to Denali, but because she was so
small. It goes against the grain, I guess. But the gesture was
sweet.
“I’m not that fragile, Alice. I think I can manage running on my
own.” She smiled. It was an awkward smile. She was
uncomfortable. She couldn’t see my future clearly, for one, and
she didn’t know what to do to help me. She has always counted
on her talent to direct her and when that failed it made her
uncomfortable. As I balanced myself she looked at me with the
most agonizing expression, wanting so badly to make my pain go
away. But nothing would make that go away. I would just have to
get used to it.
“I’ll be ok, Alice…... Relax, you’re making me nervous” I teased
her and then ruffled her hair. That made her smile. Even thought
it was a total lie. I wasn’t going to be okay. I don’t think I ever will.
But I will attempt to be better than I am right now. On the outside
at least. For them. On the inside I will be writhing in agony.
Burning in my own grief. Longing for the one thing that I want
most. My Bella.

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