CSULB ETEC 171 Fall 2013 ryoung&tchen

Grade and Feedback Argumentative Essay (First Draft) Student Name: Kendall Dixon
Criteria Writer Accomplished (1) Writer addresses topic with enthusiasm and conviction and shows knowledge of subject matter (doesnt merely string together quotes, for example). Tone is appropriate to topic. Developing (0.5) Tone is okay, but essay lacks enthusiasm or conviction. Writer understands topic, but does not show total command over material (opting for quotes when paraphrases are more appropriate, for example). Beginning (0) Writing is bland or pretentious, too casual or too formal. Writer sounds bored or antagonistic. Tone is inappropriate for topic. Writer needs to learn more about topic: much of the argument sounds like a rehash of conventional arguments and ideas. Writer insults, berates, or ridicules readers. Opposing arguments are misrepresented, ignored, or dismissed too easily. Writer seldom if ever anticipates readers reactions. Topic is trivial, common, or overdone. Topic is too complicated or too large for the length of the argument. Thesis is unclear. At end of argument readers cannot say, This paper argues that _____.) Thesis is too broad; argument does not stick to thesis. Paper seems aimless at points. Organization is unclear or ineffective. No overall pattern is discernible. Essay is not coherent. Points

Audience

Writer shows respect for readers, reconstructs opposing arguments fairly and charitably, and anticipates and answers readers reactions. Topic is important, interesting, controversial, or unusual and is narrowed appropriately. Central claim is clear; thesis is limited and defended throughout.

Topic

Thesis

Writer shows respect for readers and attempts to reconstruct opposing argument fairly and charitably. Writer does not anticipate all important, likely reactions. Topic is controversial but could be further narrowed to allow for a more interesting or unusual (or manageable) approach. Thesis is clear but could be further limited. Argument may wander slightly from thesis.

0.25

Organization (Form)

Introduction is compelling. Body paragraphs present defense. Conclusion is effective. Overall pattern is effective and appropriate for topic and thesis. Paper proceeds smoothly from point to point. Argument is supported throughout with well-selected facts and opinions. Sources are credible. Premises and conclusions are connected logically (i.e., arguments are deductively valid or inductively strong). Fallacies are avoided. Assumptions are examined. Key terms are defined. Opposing arguments are rebutted convincingly. Sentences are clear and grammatically sound. Sentence structure and length are varied. Words are used appropriately. Punctuation and spelling are accurate throughout. Conventional manuscript format is used (e.g., font, margins). Appropriate documentation style (APA) is used.

Development (Content)

Essay has a three-part structure, and organizational pattern is discernible, but a more effective pattern might have been chosen. Paper flows from point to point, with perhaps a few transitional problems along the way. Argument is supported but some support is weak, unreliable or incomplete. Key terms are not well defined. Some assumptions left unexamined. Obvious opposing arguments are left unanswered.

0.25

Support is very weak, irrelevant, insufficient, or nonexistent. Fallacies or emotional appeals are present. Terms are undefined. Assumptions are unexamined. Opposing arguments are ignored. Overall argument is incomplete or difficult to understand.

0.5

Expression

Conventions

Some grammar errors are present, but the overall effect of the essay is not hampered. Not all words are used appropriately. Some errors in punctuation, spelling, and mechanics (e.g., margins, spacing), but the essay is still readable.

Grammar errors distract and impede the reader and cause misreading. Style is choppy and distracting. Misuse of words creates misreading. Enough errors to be distracting or cause confusion. Paper was not proof-read. Formatting is unconventional, annoying, or manipulated to make paper appear longer.

0.25

0.5

CSULB ETEC 171 Fall 2013 ryoung&tchen

Suggestions for your Final Draft

1. Introduction It is good that you define Abortion in your own words to start but it doesnt pull the reader in very well. Try to begin with a quote, metaphor, or some sort of grabber sentence. 2. Argument and Position Your position is clear and you have solid arguments, but at times they seem fragmented and they dont flow well together. 3. Supporting Evidence and Sources You bring up reasons for your argument, but there is no support or sources. You need to find some professional and scholarly arguments to back your own. For example, when talking about when abortions take place during a womans pregnancy, bring in some medical statistics to back your argument of the dangers to the womans body. 4. Opposition Viewpoints You acknowledged Pro-Life standpoints briefly in your final paragraph, but you didnt bring up any of their arguments and rebut them. Youre taking a strong stand on the Pro-Choice side of abortion, so instead of sympathizing with ProLife believers, try to bring up a few of their arguments and refute them. 5. Organization I was able to see where you wanted to go with the paper, but your organization was a bit off. Remember to state your thesis at the end of your introduction, not as the topic sentence in your first body paragraph. Also, try to develop you rebuttal of opposing viewpoints more and add a strong conclusion that restates why your view is correct. This way, it wont feel as if youre beginning to agree with Pro-Life supporters at the end of your essay, it will feel more as though you respect their arguments, refute them, and then reassert why your view is correct. 6. Grammar and Mechanics You have good arguments but there are some grammatical errors, mainly sentence structure or sentences that feel clunky because you could combine them to make them flow better. Also, double-check your APA formatting: your header on the first page should have Running head: before your title, you dont need an Abstract page since we are not writing an abstract for this paper, and dont forget to add sources and a Works Cited page! 7. Strengths You have very solid arguments; it is clear that you believe in what youre saying and you are coming from an honest standpoint. Also, you use pathos effectively in describing the different emotions and turmoil that an unwanted pregnancy can cause in a womans life. Finally, you have strong supporting arguments that are your own. If you supplement your support with a professional study or something of that nature, you will seem even stronger! 8. Needs Improvement Work on your grammar and sentence structure. Take a little more time to construct your sentences more articulately and dont be afraid to combine some of your shorter sentences. Secondly, research view to support your arguments and opposing views. Make sure to refute some of the claims of Pro-Life supporters in a paragraph separate from your conclusion. Lastly, strengthen your introduction and write a conclusion paragraph. Really hook the reader in with the first couple of sentences and then state your thesis at the end of your introduction. In your conclusion, restate your thesis and/or main arguments and close out with a strong sentence that will give the reader reason to consider your claims and give them something to think about.

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Abortion: Pro-Choice Kendall Dixon California State University, Long Beach

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Abstract

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Abortion: Pro-Choice

Abortion means to terminate a human pregnancy in its early stage. Today, in America is a very controversial topic to talk about. Some people organize rallies to make people aware of abortion. Some of the rallies are pro-life, these individuals believe abortion should be illegal because they say it is killing a human being. The other rallies are pro-choice, they believe a woman should have the legal choice of keeping or terminating the pregnancy for their own personal reasons. Abortion should be legal and offered to all women when they want it. Some women are not ready to have baby, for example, not being financially stable. If abortion was illegal, women who are not stable financially would not be able to tend to their new born child. They would have to go through the hard life choice of either choosing foster care or adoption so their new born could have a better life. Doing this would put a burden on some women because they could not take care of their child and they would have to watch someone else do that for their own child. A lot of young girls go out by their selves. They are at risk at being abducted and raped. These young girls should have the legal right to abort if they get pregnant. Most would not want carry a pregnancy and give birth to a baby whose father raped them. Being raped can damage a womens emotions pretty bad. Women who have gotten pregnant from being raped and gives birth to the child has a constant reminder of the rapist in their child. They will still love the child but they would always be reminded of being raped. According to the National Abortion Federation, they explained the earlier the abortion the safer it is to a womans body. Eighty-eight percent of abortions in American are performed in the first eleven to twelve weeks of the pregnancy. In the eleven to twelve mark in the pregnancy, the fetus

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is about the size of a large plum. Abortions are performed if a women has been involved in previous health problems or a tragic event happens. Abortion would be the only way to save her life. The only time an abortion is performed after the eleven to twelve week mark of pregnancy if the baby has abnormalities, teenagers did not know they were pregnant or keeping being raped a secret, or being lack of money to pay for the abortion procedure. According to the National Abortion Federation, nearly one-third of teen age girls get abortions after twelve weeks due to the lack of not knowing of how their body works. Abortions are performed in the third trimester, which is about twenty-seven to forty weeks of pregnancy, only in extreme circumstances. Only about two percent of abortions are performed after the twenty-first week. Even though I am personally pro-choice when it comes to abortion, researching pro-life articles made me take step into reality. Reading the different types of abortion and what happens to the baby made my heart hurt. Pro-life views want abortion to be illegal everywhere. They want to show people what doctors do to perform the procedure and I believe they should leave that to the doctors and not announce it to the public eye to see.

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