HOPELESS FOR YOU by Hayden Hill Dare to love

"If I am more alive because love burns and chars me, as a fire, given wood or wind, feels new elation, it's that he who lays me low is my salvation, and invigorates the more, the more he scars me." Michelangelo

CHAPTER ONE
Kade
We all have a love story. I'm not a romantic. Never have been. Shit, I'm the anti-romantic, if anything. Me and love, well, let's just say we're not on the best of terms. Which is not to say I've never been in love. Like most people, I've experienced it all at one point or another, from the unrequited type to mutual attraction to drive-you-crazy love, and it always hurts, always burns, and it's definitely overrated. But I'm not going to lie to you. I've never felt anything like this. We all have a love story. This is ours. The sun shone brightly through the thin curtains of my bedroom window and stung my eyes. I already had a raging headache. I usually felt this way on Sunday mornings. It wasn't a good feeling. I glanced at the alarm clock beside my bed. 11:05 a.m. I groaned. I had a zumba class at the gym at 10:30 a.m. Too late now. Not that I cared about zumba. I took part for the same reason any guy went to dance lessons, yoga classes, or cooking coursesthe girls. I closed my eyes. I'd get up soon. Just another five minutes. A soft murmur came from the other side of the bed. My eyes shot open. I felt the mattress move and a warm body snuggled against mine. Shit.

I had no memory of last night at all. I broke away from the girl and immediately pushed myself up, ignoring her attempts to draw me back. I flung off the comforter and accidentally knocked over the alarm clock. I opened my nightstand drawer and fumbled through the condom box. I counted seven unopened condoms in total. I checked the number penned in blue ink on the box: eight. I exhaled in relief. I'd used a condom. She wouldn't get pregnant. I scratched out the number with my pen and wrote the updated count beside it. I've been religious about condom use ever since I was seventeen, when my girlfriend ditched me after I got her pregnant. She ran off with my kid and married a suityou know, one of those provider types. She was twenty-two. Five years older than me, but God, so beautiful. No one should look that good. I should've known better than to leave her alone for a whole summer. I'm not really bitter. Not anymore. It was partly my faultI pushed her away first. Anyway, leaving me was probably the best move she ever made. I couldn't support her, let alone a kid. Even so five years later it still hurt, knowing I'd never be there for my son, knowing I wasn't good enough. Pregnancy. It ruined everything. I was all jittery and needed to calm my nerves so I grabbed my cigs from the nightstand and lit one. Technically, smoking in the suite was against the rules but I didn't care right about then. The harsh fumes filled my lungs and I immediately relaxed. So I'd brought a girl home from the bar. It wasn't the end of the world. She'd be gone soon enough and I could return to my own routine. Again I sensed movement behind me, then the touch of well-manicured nails running lightly down my back. I knew I couldn't encourage this behavior so I got up. I put the knockedover alarm clock back on the nightstand and grabbed the pair of sweatpants on the floor beside me.

"What's up, big man?" the girl murmured, her voice throaty with sleep and pent-up lust. I dragged the pants on and glanced over my shoulder, feeling my stomach twist at the sight of her tousled, bleach-blonde hair and smeared makeup. I truly hated this part, having to smile and pretend like nothing was wrong while I escorted her out. It was only a short walk to the front door, yet it always felt like the longest walk in the world. All I wanted to do was take a shower after looking at that mess. Not that she wasn't pretty she was. I had good taste but once the layers of make-up started to come off it all just seemed so fake. Not just her looks but my own actions. We were all frauds. I had a bad taste in my mouth and a hollow feeling inside me. "Here." I snatched her dress from the floor and tossed it to her. "Listen, leave your number. I'll call you." I wouldn't. "Maybe we can go out for drinks or something." Not by a long shot. "I had a great time last night." Couldn't remember a thing. "But I really have something important I have to do." Like scratch my nails down a blackboard. Thankfully, she took the hint more gracefully than others and started tracking down her scattered clothes. I opened my bedroom window and flicked the ashes from my smoke outside while I waited for her. I checked my phone and saw a message from my brother Jed. He was going to be late to the gym today. Just as well. When the girl finished dressing, I ushered her to the door. I tried to grab her elbow but she pulled away. I gave her a sour look. "Look, I'm really sorry but I need my space and there's just no room in my life for anyone else right now." "Whatever." I got her into the hall outside my apartment but before I could shut the door she spun and shoved one of her pumps in the doorjamb. "Can I have a smoke?" I gave her a cig and lit it up for her. Least I could do.

"Thanks for the fuck," she said. I couldn't meet her eyes. "Yeah." Finally, she let me shut the door and I threw the lock. I leaned my forehead on the jamb. What a relief. I promised right there that I wouldn't do this to myself ever again, yet I knew that by the time next Saturday rolled around the promise would be forgotten. Except I wouldn't be in the city anymore. Not next Saturday or the entire summer of Saturdays after it. Thank God. I heard Blaine moving around on his side of the apartment. With a sigh, I plodded to the kitchen and doused my smoke in the sink. I tossed three spoonfuls of instant coffee in a couple of mugs of water and microwaved the batch. My morning ritual was surprisingly relaxing. By the time Blaine dragged himself into the kitchen, I'd managed to banish my selfloathing. I wasn't going to let some girl ruin my Sunday. "You know I hate it when you smoke in here," Blaine said. "I can smell that crap from my room." "Yeah?" I sipped my coffee. "Secondhand smoke's good for you." Blaine scowled. "Since when?" I smirked. "Since you decided to quit without asking me." "Right. Well, I'm not going to start again anytime soon. Smoking's good for you? Next you're going to tell me that sleeping with bar hos makes you live longer." "It does." "Yeah, I figured as much," Blaine said. "Well, speaking of hos, how was she, anyway?" I met his eyes defiantly. "She did what she came here to do." "You don't remember a thing, do you?" Blaine smiled knowingly. He picked up one of the mugs, took a sip, and grimaced at the taste. "Is this coffee? Or juice squeezed from your jock

strap?" "Funny." I drank my own tasteless swill, grateful for the flush of caffeine it sent through my system. "Coming to the gym with me and Jed today?" "Wouldn't miss it," Blaine said. "But won't Jed be long gone by now?" "Nope. He sent a text. He's running late. Probably got laid, unlike some dude I know named Blaine." He lowered his eyes and stared into his coffee. "Yeah, yeah." "Been a few months now, hasn't it?" His jaw tightened. "No comment." Blaine was still getting over the last chick he dated and I knew better than to tease him too much about it so I just shrugged and rinsed out my cup. I headed back to my room, looked around until I found a hoodie, and fetched my gym bag. "Dibs on the wheel!" Blaine beat me to the front door by a few seconds and snatched up the keys to the Jeep we co-owned. I shrugged. "She's all yours." I sat in the Jeep and watched the city go by. I almost wished we were leaving the glass condos and asphalt roads behind today. I liked Vancouver well enough but I'd been in the city all winter. Too long. It was starting to feel claustrophobic. Just one more week, I reminded myself. Blaine pulled into the packed parking lot of the gym and hunted around for a good five minutes before finding a spot. Then we waltzed into the gym like we owned the place. After changing, I stopped by the fountain for a sip of water. "Are you a football player?" someone said behind me. I chuckled softly and turned around to look at the girl. She was about my age, and pretty, though she looked a bit geeky in those oversized glasses. "No. Appreciate the compliment though."

"I like your tattoos," she said. I couldn't hide a smirk. Some girls made it so easy. I turned on the charm. "Thanks." So much for my promise. "Any tips for working my arms?" "Well yeah, sure. What you want to focus on is" My phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw it was Rebecca at the Peregrine Center. My boss from my summer job. "Sorry, have to take this." I walked away from the fountain, heading onto the running track that circled the workout area. I answered the phone. "Rebecca." "Kade. Two new interns signed up today. Couple girls from Tennessee. Real smart. I got their applications up on our Google Docs folder but the net's on the fritz here and our ISP says it'll be down all week. So I need you to send the introduction package over to the girls ASAP. Also, they're going to need work permits from the CIC and plane tickets. Set those up and then forward the e-tickets to the girls. Be sure to copy me. I'll reimburse you at the center when you get here this Friday. Got it?" "Yeah, I'll finish up at the gym and get right on it." "Thanks, Kade. I owe you one. Look forward to seeing you this Friday. It's been a long winter and we've got some stories to tell." "I have a couple of my own." "I bet you do. Bye for now." I hung up and, out of curiosity, I pulled up the browser on my phone and headed over to Google Docs. I grabbed the password-protected document Rebecca had mentioned and scrolled through it. Gina Murphy. Nice. She looked like a few models I'd dated. If I was allowed to hook up with interns, I'd definitely have a go. I scrolled to the next intern.

"So, about the arms..." The girl from the water fountain had returned but her words hardly registered. My gaze was frozen on the photo of the second intern. Ash Jensen. She wasn't so different looking from some of the other girls I'd been with but there was something about her that held me, I wasn't sure what it was. Then it hit me. Her eyes. They seemed to burn through the phone right into me. Those sad, haunted blue eyes didn't belong on a face so beautiful. A simple picture shouldn't have affected me like that, but it did and I felt the strangest things in that moment. I'd do anything for her. I'd protect and shelter her from the world. I didn't believe in love at first sight or love at all anymore, really, so I'm not sure where those feelings came from, but there they were. I wanted to make her mine and hold her and show her pleasure like she'd never known before. I wanted to shut away the rest of civilization and live with her in a cabin far away from anyone else. Just her, me, a bed and all the time in the world. I lowered the phone for a second, feeling shaken. It was just a picture. She probably didn't look like that in real life. The camera had just caught her at a good angle. Or a bad angle, depending on how you looked at it. Still, I couldn't get rid of the sudden, intense longing that was eating away at me inside. I shrugged it off, knowing how silly it all was. She was just one girl out of millions. This was stupid. Who fell in love with a photograph, anyway? That was just plain weird. Actually, come to think of it, I remember this one guy... No. I wasn't going to justify it. I skimmed her bio and my eyes lingered on her mailing address. Holston River Drive. Red flag number one. I knew enough about real estate to know riverfront property didn't come cheap.

I scrolled down a bit more. Premed student. Red flag number two. No one could hold down a job while handling a premed course load, not unless they planned to spend the next fifteen years in school. This Ash Jensen definitely came from a privileged background. She definitely wouldn't be interested in someone like me. Good. I abandoned the stalker girl on the track with some lame excuse about getting back to my friends. I was too preoccupied to flirt with her. My brother Jed was in the weight area, already working out with Blaine. I knocked fists with him in distracted greeting. "How's my big brother this week?" Jed said. He was a slightly taller, slimmer version of me, minus the tattoos. People always thought he was way younger than eighteen. "Never better," I said. Blaine was at the other bench press just beside me, logging his progress with some workout app on his phone. I could hear Daft Punk blasting from his earbudsa mindless, lyric-less song perfect for the gym. Ordinarily I would have been listening to the same stuff but I wasn't in the mood today. Though maybe some mindless tunes would've help me forget that intern's face. I did my usual light warmup at the bench press. Then I stacked on the forty-five pound plates and psyched myself up for my core set. The instant I lifted the barbell, I knew something was terribly wrong. The bar shifted to the left and the weights slammed to the floor. I had loaded three forty-fives on the left side but only two forty-fives on the right. Jed was doing curls nearby and he hurried over to help me re-rack the bar. Blaine came, too. "Someone's distracted today." Blaine wrenched out one of his earbuds. "I'd let this pass if

there were some sweet treat walking around but the only hotties are on the other side of the gym. What's wrong?" I shrugged. "Just tired, I guess." "That girl really got to you this morning, didn't she? What did she say?" I shook my head. "It's not her." Jed patted me on the back. "Kade's just depressed because it's time to leave the city behind for the center." He was joking, of course. Jed knew there was nothing I wanted more than to go back to the center. "Nah," I said. "Just got some interns I have to process for Rebecca later." Blaine pursed his lips. "Okay. I'll help you with them when we finish up here." "Sure, that'd be great." I glanced at the floor-to-ceiling windows. Between the towering condos outside, I could make out the thickly wooded mountains. I took a deep breath. One more week until I was back at my summer job out there. My real job, where I made a difference. One more week until I met Ash Jensen. It looked to be an interesting summer.

CHAPTER TWO

Ash
I stared out the window as the plane made its final descent. Vancouver was a city enclosed by the sea on one side and mountains the other. It was totally unlike anything I'd ever seen before, even on TV. I was embarking on my first real journey in life, leaving my home behind, and I wasn't sure I was ready. I'd never really been outside of Tennessee before except for a short trip to Mexico with my mom and stepdad. The plane thumped down and taxied along the runway. When we stopped, I gave Gina a nudge. My best friend had borrowed my noise-canceling headphones. She wasn't listening to music thoughshe was too scared for that. She'd kept her eyes shut tight for most of the flight. "We're here." I grinned as Gina took off the headphones. "Thank God." My best friend rubbed a palm over her pale face. "I'm not sure I can do that again. As in ever." I squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Just one more flight, Gina." She closed her eyes and exhaled, then gave me her bravest smile. "Okay. But only for you, babe." Gina and I pulled down our bags from the overhead compartment and shuffled out of the plane with everyone else. After passing through the Canada Customs linethe official was a flirtatious guy who couldn't stop chatting with GinaI spotted a sign with our names on it, held by

a petite but powerful-looking curly-haired woman dressed in a jean jacket and matching denim pants. Steering Gina toward her, I smiled and held out my hand. "I'm Ash Jensen." "Rebecca Mills." She shook my hand, then Gina's. "And you must be Angelina?" "Call me Gina." "Gina it is. Ordinarily I'd just send the pilot to come get youit's not in my job description to fly all the way out here to pick up internsbut I had an errand to run in the city. Lucky you." We collected our baggage and then took the five-minute courtesy shuttle to the south terminal where, according to Rebecca, all the small aircraft were located. We went through a sliding door and found ourselves in a tiny terminal. There were a bunch of small counters offering charter and air taxi services. Rebecca went to the Pacific counter and we followed. The attendant greeted her warmly, then weighed our luggage. Gina's barely met the requirements. "Don's waiting for you at the usual gate," the attendant told Rebecca. Since all our baggage was carry-on, we got to skip security, which was a nice change. Have fun doing that in Tennessee or anywhere else in the US. Welcome to Canada. We got to the gate and sat down. Above us, a paper-mache seaplane about the size of a small car hung from the rafters, which did nothing to calm Gina's nerves. Or mine. "Don't worry, we're not taking a seaplane," Rebecca said, sensing our concern. "Ours has wheels and landing gears. Usually." She winked at Gina, who moaned softly. After a few minutes, the gate employee arrived. She went straight to Rebecca and shook her hand. "Good to see you again, Rebecca. Don's ready for boarding." We walked through the gate. There was no Jetway bridge or anything, we just followed Rebecca right onto the tarmac. "You've got to be kidding me." Gina groaned as we approached the tiny plane.

Rebecca glanced at her and a reassuring smile played on her lips. "Never flown in a small plane before?" Both of us shook our heads. "Don's a great pilot. You two don't have to worry about a thing." The man she indicated waved cheerfully and came forward to help us stow our baggage. The passenger section of the plane only had seats for four people. Gina and I settled into two of the seats while Rebecca surprised me by climbing into the copilot seat. "Wait where's the copilot?" Gina said. Rebecca looked over her shoulder and smiled reassuringly. "We left Don's usual copilot up at the center. Don't worry, I'm fully qualified." Gina fastened her seatbelt with shaking hands. She leaned in close to me and said in a hushed voice, "If I die I'm going to kill you, Ash." "You're the one who wanted to come up here so badly," I said. "Yeah, but that was before I realized we'd have to take a bi-freaking-plane flown by an administration lady!" I exhaled, blowing a strand of hair from my face. "Oh, come on, it's not a biplane. And she said she's fully qualified." The engine started. "Oh, shit." Gina grabbed my hand. The little plane was already starting forward. "Ash, give me those headphones! Ash!" I shook my head. I was feeling anxious, too, but I didn't dare show it. I had to put on a brave face for my friend. "They're stowed in the baggage compartment. Sorry, Gina. Unless you want me to get up and make the plane wobble?" Gina's fingers dug in. "No!" The plane gained speed and clawed into the air. Gina shut her eyes. I didn't move my hand because I wanted to give my best friend whatever comfort I could.

She truly hated flying. But while I pitied her, I had a hard time keeping the grin off my face. All my original concern about taking such a small plane had vanished. I could feel every gust of wind buffet the small craft and sense the shudder of each turn of the engine and I found the experience exhilarating. Outside, green forests occasionally broken by open meadows dressed the mountain flanks. It was a beautiful, sprawling landscape, and I felt the urge to grab my phone and snap photos. Too bad it was locked away in the baggage compartment along with everything else. Gina's grip alternated between loose and tight, depending on the severity of the turbulence. During one particularly bumpy stretch, Gina squeezed so hard, I thought she might break my fingers. "Gina!" I said. She finally let go of me but shut her eyes even tighter. With her forehead wrinkled like that and crow's feet spreading from her eyes, I got a hint of how she'd look as an older woman. She'd make a pretty grandma. You know those movies where people are sitting in a plane that's about to crash and they start to bare their souls to each other? That's what Gina decided to dowith her eyes closed, of course. "Ash, since we're going to die, there's something I need to tell you. There's a selfish reason I hang out with you." "Gina, stop. We're not going to die." She had me curious, though, and I couldn't resist adding, "But what's the reason?" "I hang out with you because you're short. I feel insecure around tall people." I had to stifle a laugh. "What are you talking about Gina? Just relax and try not to think about the flight." "No it's true, and I'm a selfish bitch for doing it. I always have to be the tallest girl in the

room. I can't stand being near a girl who's taller than me. Guys are okay. In fact, tall guys are perfect. But girls. No way." Gina continued babbling and when she got to the part where she begged God to let her live, promising she'd never pass a homeless person without giving them money ever again, I leaned my head against the glass and hoped the flight would end soon. After an hour, the plane finally began to descend. Ahead, I picked out a little airstrip that seemed practically cut from the trees. As we drew closer to the ground, I saw a couple of Jeeps next to a small log cabin that seemed to serve as the 'control tower.' I held my breath as we landed. The plane bounced a few times before stabilizing on the teensy strip, and only when the plane finally came to a complete stop, with the forest a mere fifteen yards ahead, did I inhale. As soon as the pilot opened the door for us, Gina relinquished her death grip and hurried outside. She knelt and kissed the dirt runway. Poor girl. I stepped outside the plane and glanced toward the log cabin. My jaw dropped. Beside me, Gina scrambled to her feet and started wiping the dirt from her dress. She hadn't yet seen what I had. "Gina," I said. "Gina." Finally, she looked up. I heard her quiet gasp. Two perfect examples of the male species strode toward us from the Jeeps parked in front of the cabin. My attention was immediately drawn to the taller of the pair. He was easily six feet and towered over me. Tattoos were clearly visible on his arms and neck, and his dark hair stood up in violent, tousled spikes. The upper tip of his pecs bulged from the top of his V neck and his biceps struggled to stay inside the confines of his sleeves. He oozed raw sexuality and he definitely gave off a bad boy vibe.

His sea-green eyes caught hold of mine and held me. There was a glint of danger in those eyes, and promise. I felt like a deer caught in a wolf's gaze. A reciprocal sense of want welled up inside me, despite my apprehension, and as I gazed deeper into those eyes, I thought I saw something else layered beneath the lust: fear. I had the strangest sensation then, as if everything that had come before in my life had been a buildup to this moment. I was meant to meet this man out here on this dirty runway in the middle of nowhere. It was crazy, but I couldn't shake the sensation. "Glad to see you two managed to be on time!" Rebecca's cheerful voice broke the spell and I jerked my head toward her, feeling my face flush. "No thanks to him." The wolfish look had gone from the eyes of the tattooed one and he jabbed his thumb toward his companion. "Blaine took forever to get ready." Blaine was only a little shorter than Mr. Tattoos but still taller than Gina. He was clean-cut, with blonde hair and the face of a male model. He had a really nice smile but compared to Mr. Tattoos, he was a tiny candle sputtering beside a raging bonfire for all the effect he had on me. Rebecca smiled patiently. "No worries. You made it." She turned toward Gina and me. "Gina, Ash, this is Blaine and Kade, two of our summer wardens. They help with pretty much everything around here. You'll be partnered with them." I glanced at Gina. My friend was smiling widely. "Awesome!" Gina extended her hand toward Blaine. "I'm Gina." Blaine took her hand, curling his fingers around hers and lifting her palm slightly so that for a second, I thought he might lift it to his lips. When he only shook it, Gina seemed a little disappointed. "Nice to meet you," Blaine said. "Gina's a cute name." She perked right up at that and laughed, a beautiful sound I'd always envied. His warm, rich chuckle sounded pretty good, too.

I hung back as Gina greeted Kade next. He shook her hand. "The ground around here has an interesting taste, doesn't it?" He had a big smile on his face. "Don't worry, I'm not the biggest fan of flying myself." I felt a twinge of jealousy at Gina's delighted smile. "Good to know I'm not the only one." Blaine offered me his hand. "Ash, right? Welcome to the funhouse. We got tricks and treats." "Thanks." I smiled shyly. When he released me, I turned toward the man whose hand I was most interested in shaking, but Kade was already walking toward the plane. I bit my lip in disappointment. Without a word, Kade grabbed three pieces of luggage and hauled them toward the Jeep. Blaine grabbed the others. I started toward the two men. "It's fine, I can carry my own" Gina put an arm around my shoulders. "Enjoy the chivalry for once, Ash. It won't kill you to let them carry our bags. Besides, I have a feeling it won't last long. The chivalry, I mean." "Just wanted to get my phone to take some pictures," I mumbled, saying the first lame excuse that came to mind. "You girls are really lucky to be interned to Blaine and Kade," Rebecca said. "These two know the center and the surrounding woods better than anyone else." Rebecca smiled at Gina's enthusiastic nod. I stared at Kade, watching his arm muscles ripple while he carried the bags. I started to have all these naughty thoughts about those muscles but then he looked back at me and I saw that hungry look again. I immediately lowered my gaze, blushing. What was I, some schoolgirl meeting guys for the first time? I had to remind myself I hadn't come out here to find a man.

I tried to convince myself he wasn't into me, that I'd imagined the wolfish looks. Maybe he was just hungry because he hadn't had his Canadian pancake breakfast or something. Besides, I'd never be with him. I wouldn't let myself. I reached up and touched the slight lump of jewelry hidden beneath my shirt, reassuring myself that my dearly departed fianc's ring was safe on its chain. Love was something I'd never know again. We reached the Jeeps, which were colored army green and emblazoned with the feather and star logo of the conservation organization. Rebecca joined Kade in the first Jeep with the luggage while Gina and I sat with Blaine in the other. Gina beat me to the front seat but I didn't mind. The Jeep bumped along the dirt and gravel road. Blaine and Gina chatted animatedly the whole time but I let their conversation wash over me without paying much attention. I was too absorbed in the feel of the wind on my face in the open-top Jeep. I loved the raw evergreen smells. On a whim, I pulled the tie out of my hair and let the strands fall loose. "Ash, look!" Gina's excited voice startled me. I followed her gaze skyward, where two birds pirouetted high in the air, black silhouettes against the incredible blue. I heard a distant, high-pitched shrill. "Falcons." Blaine said, his tone almost reverent. "They're the reason we're here. We track each and every one of them." "Track? How?" Gina asked. "Leg bands." Gina furrowed her brow. "Leg bands?" I answered for Blaine. "The bands have radio frequencies they use to ID the falcons. If any of them is hurt, or dies, the bands will show exactly which nest it belongs to. Right?" I glanced at Blaine. He nodded. "That's right. You're pretty smart. Both of you are premed students, right?"

Gina was the one who answered. "We are." She started to twirl her hair with one finger. "I'm looking forward to banding some birds with you, Blaine." I sank back, letting Gina have her flirtatious little conversation. I stared at the clear blue sky. The spiraling falcons were visible for a good portion of the drive and almost seemed to be shadowing our movements. Such beautiful birds. Falcons didn't have to worry about such things as love and loss. Their biggest problem was finding a meal for the day. About half an hour later, the Jeep began to slow. The trees gave way to a wide clearing and Blaine drove into a complex of buildings that was just like the picture on the web site. Log cabins set among concrete buildings. Wooden signposts. Pine trees everywhere. The place had more the feel of a summer camp than a wildlife center. Kade pulled up beside us in the other Jeep and unloaded four of the bags, handing them to Gina and me. "I guess the chivalry ends now," I told Gina. She shrugged, extending the handle of her bigger piece of luggage and hoisting the smaller handbag onto her shoulder by the strap. I did the same with mine. Each of us still had one small duffel bag in the Jeep but Kade slung them both over his powerful shoulders, apparently having mercy on us. Rebecca instructed the two men to give us a quick tour on the way to our rooms, then she excused herself. Muscles cording as he carried the two duffel bags, Kade led the way. Blaine hung back with Gina and me. He gestured to the main structure. "This is the administration building where Rebecca runs pretty much everything. The big building beside it is the aviary where we take in injured birds. Though the focus is on falcons, we handle a bunch of different species because no other locals have the expertise. Those buildings over there are the dormitories. Yours is the smaller one. The other one has a gym with a few weights and treadmills."

Kade held open the door to the smaller dormitory with his foot and Blaine went inside, followed by Gina. As I passed Kade, Blaine called over his shoulder, "You two are sharing a room." My eyes went wide and I felt my heart rate triple. I glanced at Kade. He smiled broadly. "Don't get your panties in a twist. He means you and Gina." "I know what he meant," I shot back dryly, hoping my eye roll covered my initial surprise. Why had I thought even for a second that Kade and I would be sharing a room? It was silly. I had no intention of ever sleeping in the same room as him. And Rebecca would certainly never allow it. Still, my heart continued to race and I felt short of breath. Just because he had a hot face with a muscular body and a few sexy tattoos didn't mean I was into him. Not at all. Though I have to admit I wondered what his abs looked like beneath that thin shirt. I bet they were rock hard. Like his Ash, just stop it. He wasn't someone I'd ever get with and that's all there was to it. Everything about him screamed player. Girls threw themselves at him. He was hot and he knew it, and he took advantage of that fact to con women left and right, I was sure. Blaine escorted us upstairs to our small, spartan room. The window was open, letting in a fresh, cool breeze. There was just enough space for two beds and a couple of side tables. Not so different from the campus residence hall we'd shared last semester, except there was no bathroom. Kade dropped off our bags. I was kind of hoping he'd stay longer but he left right away. Blaine lingered, though. "The key for your room is in the desk drawer. The only internet access we have is in the admin building. As you've probably guessed, there are no cellphone towers around so if you need to make a call there's a land line in the admin building, too. They monitor long distance calls so be careful how often you use it or you're in shit. Well." He grinned widely. "Get comfortable and unpack, then come on down to the other dorm building. It has a bigger dining hall

and we're having a welcome dinner for the baby ducks." Gina's brows drew together. "Baby ducks?" "The newbies. Five others arrived this week. You two complete the flock." "Ah." Gina pursed her lips. "How many people do you have up here altogether?" "Including the seven baby ducks, we're up to nineteen." "Are we the only ones from outside Canada?" "Pretty much. Most everyone else is from British Columbia. We got one from Toronto. Another from Quebec. We do have one person from Germany but you two are the only Americans. Don't worry about it, though. We won't hold it against you." He winked and I wasn't sure if it was for me or Gina. I decided on Gina. "Dinner is served in two hours. Drop by as soon as you've had a chance to freshen up. Maybe you can help with the cooking." "We're looking forward to it." Gina smiled and flipped her hair back. "See you, Blaine." When Blaine had disappeared down the hall, Gina shut the door and then sank down on the bed with a dreamy sigh. "He's gorgeous. What a hunk." I rolled my eyes and made a face. "We're not here to meet men, Gina." "Aren't we?" Gina dragged her luggage over to the narrow space between our beds. She zipped open the top of her luggage and started to pull out clothes. "There's something to be said about Canadian men, I tell you. Blaine is so scrumptious. Yum. I wonder what he tastes like." "Gina!" "What? You're probably wondering the same thing. That Kade is quite the showpiece himself. Did you see the biceps on that boy? Bet he works out in that gym every day. Him and Blaine, both. I know where I'm going be spending most of my free time. And don't you just love Kade's tattoos? I can tell you're dying to lick them right off him." "You can have them both," I said, meaning it. "It's not like you haven't done that before." Gina shrugged. "Stuck in the woods with two hot guys? I'll take it. You'll cover my back,

won't you? Make sure neither one finds out I'm sneaking around, 'kay? Or maybe I should just have a threesome from the beginning and get it over with." "Sometimes you act like such a guy," I said, laughing. Gina shrugged. "I'm a man who just so happened to be born with breasts and a pretty face." "Yay." I rolled my eyes, opening my own bag and pulling out the neat stack of clothes. I wondered if I should change for dinner. Something soft smacked me in the face. I caught the rolled up pair of hiking socks that fell away and pitched them right back at Gina. "Hey!" "Sorry, couldn't help it." Gina grinned mockingly. "Your negative energy is dragging me down." "Negative energy. Pfft." I opened the closet and was happy to find a set of hangers. "Seriously, stop moping, Ash. Things could be worse. We could be interned to two creepy old guys rather than that yummy pair. Besides, I know you have the hots for him." "What are you talking about?" "Kade. Definitely not the kind of boy you want to take home to mom and dad, not with all those tattoos, but I saw the way you were looking at him back there." I crossed my arms. "And just how was I looking at him?" "You know..." I shrugged, trying to ignore the heat creeping into my cheeks. "I don't, actually." Thankfully, Gina didn't press the matter. It only took about half an hour to unpack. When we were done, Gina exhibited classic signs of cellphone withdrawal. She seemed jittery and kept going to the window, hoping to find a signal. "Gina, there's no cellphone tower out here, remember?" "I know," Gina said. "But there's gotta be a weak signal around somewhere. There always is."

I smiled, shaking my head, then stowed my own phone beside the nightstand. I'd downloaded an app that blared sounds in the morning to wake me up. I used to have it run songs from my own playlist as the alarm but that just got me hating the songs, so I'd switched the tone to a foghorn. Gina and I pretty much hated foghorns to death these days. The two of us found the communal bathroom at the end of the hallway and freshened up. Gina kept her cellphone close in case she found a signal. She didn't. Finally we returned to our room and Gina dithered over what to wear. I decided to change for dinner as well. There was no dithering on my part, though. I pulled on a pair of hiking jeans and a T-shirt and then I braided my hair, flipping the loose plait back over one shoulder. I pointed out to Gina that these people were going to see us sweaty and dirty all the time anyway, so there wasn't much point in worrying about how we looked, but she ignored the comment. Gina eventually chose a tight black dress and smiled sheepishly when I shot her a disapproving frown. "When in Rome..." "We're not in Rome," I said. "You should dress like me. It's how everyone else will be dressed." "Well you know me, always the contrarian." I laughed. Ah, Gina. Loved the girl. I glanced at my hair in the mirror, checking for loose strands. "Good thing you dyed your hair just before we left," Gina said. "We couldn't dare let them catch you as a blonde. I'm the bimbo in this friendship, remember?" I shook my head, forcing a grin. That wasn't the reason I dyed my hair black and she knew it. We left the room, locking it behind us. We probably didn't have to lock it way out here in the middle of nowhere but old habits died hard.

As soon as we were outside, I could hear the noise and laughter coming from the neighboring dorm building. Light poured from the windows of the first floor and the front door was thrown open to the evening air, which smelled of fresh pines. I inhaled deeply, loving it. As we neared the dorm, the pine scent was quickly replaced by something nastier: cigarette smoke. I picked out Kade, all biceps and pecs, leaning against the porch rail and having a smoke. He didn't seem to notice us until our footsteps creaked on the stairs. Gina smiled at him. "Hey!" "Hey, ladies." Kade gave us a fleeting glance. His eyes didn't meet mine. "I'll see you inside." He leaned over the rail, took a drag from his cigarette and tapped the ashes onto the dirt. "Oh." Gina, who I knew was used to undivided male attention, looked confused for a moment but then she was all smiles again. "Okay." I pushed her toward the open door. "Some people don't like being bothered when they're smoking." That was the best explanation I had for his rudeness. Rebecca greeted us warmly and introduced us around. I was overwhelmed. Though nineteen people wasn't a lot, the dining room felt cramped and crowded. Because of my nervousness, I found myself immediately forgetting everyone's names. After the introductions, I edged my way toward a free space in the corner, nursing a soda while Gina worked the room. She was at home here, among people. She was practically made to be a family doctor. She had the social side down, anyway. Gina could fit in with anyone, from the curator at the museum to the rapper at the club, whereas I felt completely out of my element in most social situations. I noticed Kade slip inside twenty minutes later. He quietly skirted the edge of the room and ducked into the kitchen. A few seconds later, he reappeared, followed by a much larger woman who made the room feel even more cramped. She was almost as tall as Kade and was what my

mom would have called 'well-padded'. She and Kade each held two large trays of food. From the way the woman handled the trays I could tell she was strong beneath all that bulk. And I'd thought Rebecca was powerful looking. This woman was just, well, daunting. There was a shout of approval and people took the food dishes from the trays as Kade and the woman toured the room. Instead of standing and milling, the group settled down into the hodgepodge collection of seats that included fold-ups, stools, and dining chairs, and suddenly the room didn't feel quite so cramped. Rebecca introduced me and Gina to the large woman. "Gina, Ash, this is Momma Jeanne. Momma, these are the interns assigned to Kade and Blaine." "Hello, darlins." Momma Jeanne had a booming voice that seemed to match her ample figure. Her iron gray hair was pulled back into a tight bun and her cheeks were ruddyfrom standing over the stove, I guessed. "You can call me Momma for short. I run the kitchen and the household so if you ever need anything just ask, you hear? If I don't have it, I'll make sure Don brings it up the next supply run." She smiled in a fond way that strangely reminded me of my grandmother. I found myself liking her immediately, if only because she talked like she was from the South. After all the food had been passed around, Momma Jeanne set her bulk into one of the folding chairs, squeezing in beside Don the pilot and Kade. Apparently, Don didn't normally stay for dinner but it sounded like Momma Jeanne had hustled him into it. I noticed Kade seemed a bit less antisocial now that he was back inside and sitting next to the camp's den mother. He got his fair share of teasing from the crew. He and the other summer staff had only arrived a few days ago and tales of Kade and Blaine's adventures in Vancouver city over the winter had circulated. Most of those adventures related to Kade's conquests of half the girls at the dive bar he worked at and the ensuing escapades involving jealous girlfriends and drunk boyfriends, which only confirmed my earlier bad boy assessment. I'd definitely imagined the

special connection I'd thought I felt between us, earlier. What the heck was I thinking? The food was surprisingly good. Chicken, rolls, salad, mashed potatoes, rice. It wasn't what I'd expected but to be honest, I wasn't even sure what I'd expected. Maybe roasted deer on a spit or something, accompanied by Canadian maple syrup and buttermilk pancakes, with lumberjacks chopping up wood for the fire. This was freaking Canada, after all. Momma Jeanne stood and picked up one of the empty trays, then started walking toward the kitchen. When she got near me, she sat in one of the empty chairs and leaned close. "You're from Tennessee, right?" "Yup. Gina and I both are. We've known each other for ages." I smelled a trace of perfume that I guessed was White Shouldersthe kind my grandmother used to wear. "Oh, that's lovely. I grew up in Alabama, so we're neighbors." "Really? Wow." I'd guessed as much, from her accent. "How'd you end up here?" Momma Jeanne's face darkened, and her eyes got a sort of distant look. When she spoke, her voice was so quiet that I could barely hear. "I was running away from something that happened to me." She paused and I thought she was going to say more but then her eyes refocused and she smiled sadly. "But listen. I wanted to tell you. About Kade and Blainedon't you mind all the talk. They're good boys. Sure, maybe they're a bit misguided at times. Get them into the city and they're completely different people. But out here, in their element, they're actually normal human beings. For the most part." "I don't know," I said. "Kade seems a little rude at times." "Rude?" Momma Jeanne laughed. "That's because he likes you." "What?" I blinked. "That's his defense mechanism. We gots rules around here. The staff aren't allowed to sleep around with the other staff. Don't think I've ever seen him so hard hit, though." I felt my forehead wrinkle. "What do you mean?"

Momma Jeanne winked at me, and then hoisted herself out of her chair and left for the kitchen. I glanced at Kade from across the room. He was listening intently to something Blaine was saying. He was still wearing that tight v-necked T-shirt that showcased his bulging biceps so well. I followed the tattoo of a black rose down his thick forearm. On the back of his hand was inked a snarling wolf, and below that the letters of his name were stamped onto each finger. I ran my eyes back up his body and my gaze lingered on his neck and the tattoo there. It was a falcon with a single, human-like eye peering out from Kade's Adam's apple. The eye seemed sad, somehow. I wondered if Kade had gotten that specific tattoo after he started working here. My gaze returned to his face. His nose had a bump near the tophe'd broken it in a fight, I guessedbut otherwise, his features were chiseled like the statue of a Greek god. He swiveled slightly, revealing more of his V neck and his bulging upper pecs. Despite myself, I wondered how it would feel to have those hard muscles pressed against my own chest. He seemed to sense my gazeor my naughty thoughtsand he tilted his head toward me. Our eyes locked. Again I saw that predatory look, that barely restrained desire, and I felt myself spinning in those sea-green depths. I was frightened by what I saw there, yet eager, too. That sense of destiny returned and I couldn't help but feel we were two lost souls who were somehow meant for each other. I was nineteen years old but it still felt like I was waiting for my life to begin. It starts now. It has to start now. If only I'd let life in. If only I'd let him in. I broke Kade's gaze and looked away. No one else noticed our exchange. When I glanced back, I saw Kade already had his back to me and was engrossed in some animated discussion with Blaine. For a second, I wondered if I'd dreamed up the whole thing, but if so, why did I feel so hot and breathless? Not to mention

disappointed. No. I had felt that connection between us again, yet I couldn't stand the intensity and I'd broken it. Kade didn't look at me again and I relaxed by degrees as the evening progressed. Blaine joined me after a while and drew me into a conversation about the similarities and differences between the US and Canada. We were more alike than different, obviously, but the fact that you couldn't get Cherry Coke Zero or Quaker Grits in Canada really put me off. We made fun of each other's accents and he kept wanting me to say y'all for some reason. He laughed when I told him that when I was a child, I thought Canada was covered in snow year round. My Canadian friends taught me the truth in high school, showing me summer temperatures online from different Canadian cities that were almost as hot as places like Las Vegas. Of course, in winter you had to add a negative sign to those same temperatures. Blaine agreed, adding that Vancouver was the only city that didn't get snow in the winter. But up here at the center they got snow, he said, and lots of it. I noticed Kade giving Blaine dark looks while we talked. I didn't know what was going on in that mind of his and I convinced myself I didn't care. By the time dessert came arounddecadent berry crumbles slathered in vanilla sauceI caught myself yawning. The three-hour time difference between Tennessee and British Columbia was catching up to me, not to mention the long hours of traveling. People started saying goodbye after dessert. I left my dish and excused myself, catching Gina's eye before I ducked outside. She gave me a vague nod, taking my seat so she could flirt with Blaine. On the deck, I inhaled the pine-scented air and shivered in my T-shirt. The nights were a lot cooler up here. Well, that was something I'd just have to get used to. Wrapping my arms around myself, I trotted down the stairs. I almost ran headfirst into Kade as he came around the corner of the building. Both of us

stepped back in surprise. I was hoping he'd say somethinganythingto confirm the connection I thought I'd felt at dinner, but instead he smirked and said, "Following me now? All you had to do was ask if you wanted to spend time with me." I masked my disappointment with a scowl. "You wish." I stared at him, searching his eyes, but I saw only amusement there. How silly could I be? There was no connection between us. I forced myself to yawn so I'd have an excuse to go. Kade smiled coolly. "Someone's up past her bedtime. What's the matter, our little dinner cut into your beauty sleep?" I rolled my eyes and brushed past him. He was so darn hotuntil he opened his mouth. "So you're premed, huh?" he said. I glanced over my shoulder at him. "So?" "Live in a big house, too, right?" I nodded. "What are you getting at? Am I being interrogated?" I thought his shoulders slumped a little. "Nothing. Just wanted to confirm a few things." I was sick of these games. "I don't get it. One second you're giving me a look like you'll eat me up and the next you're cold as ice. What is it with you?" He became all rigid. "What? Me? Nothing. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about." I crossed my arms. "Oh? I think you do. But I guess that's how players act. I have someone waiting for me back in Tennessee, just so you know." It wasn't true but it seemed like the best way to make sure he stayed away from me. "I'm not a player." "I don't believe you. I heard the stories about you over supper." He nodded. "And I wish you hadn't. Those stories are all exaggerations." He looked a little sheepish then. "Well, most of them, anyway."

"Sure." I waited a bit longer, giving him a chance to explain himself to me, to show me we did actually have a connection and that Momma Jeanne was right about him, but he didn't say anything more. "Well, if you're done interrogating me..." I turned to go. "Don't be late for orientation tomorrow morning," he said. "Seven o'clock on the dot." I had the impression he was just throwing out words, trying to keep me here. But superficial words wouldn't make me stay. I truly was sick of the games and I didn't turn back. "A woman is neither early nor late," I grumbled over my shoulder, deciding to toss him a last bone. "She arrives exactly when she intends to." "Did you seriously just misquote Lord of the Rings?" Kade said behind me. "You're priceless." I laughed but didn't look back. Let him ponder that by himself for a while: a Tolkienquoting premed student. I felt so groggy when I reached the room that I could barely keep my eyes open and had to force myself to change into my pajamas. I didn't bother to comb the tangles from my hair or even brush my teeth. Before I crawled between the covers, I set the alarm on my phone to six o'clock. More than enough time to shower and get ready for morning orientation. Assuming I didn't have to fight with the other dorm residents for the bathroom. With a sigh of contentment, I closed my eyes, pulling the comforter over my chin. The bed was warm and kept out the night chill. Perfect. I heard movement on the far side of the room. I sat up with a jerk. In the dim light, I saw something skitter across the floor. I screamed, hugging my comforter close. The thing scurried to the far wall and slammed into it with a loud thump. I screamed again. I groped at the nightstand, searching for something I could use as a weapon. I found only my phone.

The door burst open and Kade came charging inside with a baseball bat. Light spilled in from the hall. The thing dashed straight for him and he stepped aside at the last moment, letting it scamper into the hall. He turned on the light and shook his head. "Just a raccoon." There were some shouts in the hall and then other members of the camp crowded the door. "All right, everybody," Kade said. " Excitement's over. Everything's under control. You saw it. Just a raccoon." Gina shoved her way inside. "Ash, are you all right?" She sat on the bed and gave me a hug. "Fine," I said. "Just got a little scared." Kade ushered the other people out into the hall and started to close the door behind him. He looked me right in the eye. There was concern there, but mostly amusement. His lips quivered for a second and then he broke into a rich laugh. "Sorry. Never seen anyone attacked by a raccoon before." "Go away," I said, mortified that he'd seen me in my PJs. He seemed about to say something more but then he lowered his gaze and walked out, shutting the door. "You sure you're all right?" Gina brushed a strand of hair from my face. "Yeah." I laughed. "That was pretty silly. It was just a raccoon." "It wasn't silly," Gina said. "What if it had been a bear or something? Good thing you screamed." "You're just trying to make me feel better. Screaming over a raccoon. Who does that?" Gina smiled gently. "Hey, it happens to the best of us." She gave me a last hug and then rose to shut off the light.

I closed my eyes and after I calmed down a bit, I replayed the day in my head. My thoughts kept drifting back to Kade. I saw him rush into my room, ready to beat off whatever attacker he found. I saw his bright, emerald green eyes from earlier, full of lust and promise. A sense of warmth suffused my nether region and I wanted to reach down and stroke it. But I didn't. Instead, I tried to deny that I'd ever seen that look on his face. I told myself Momma Jeanne was wrong and even if he did want me, he wasn't my type and never would be. I reminded myself how rude he could be. That he played girls. I'd seen fear in his eyes too, hadn't I? Maybe he was worried about losing his job if he played me. I wrapped my hands around the ring at my neck and the warmth inside me shriveled. I was left feeling cold, numb and alone.

CHAPTER THREE
Kade
I left Ash and her friend Gina behind in their dorm and returned to my own building. Ash had scared the shit out of me. When I heard her screaming, I was out having another smoke. She had one of those voices you could recognize even when she yelled so I ran straight to her dorm and grabbed the baseball bat from the storeroom, then took the stairs four at a time. And what thanks did I get for being her white knight? She basically told me to screw off. I guess she was just embarrassed about being caught screaming her mouth off over a raccoon. Mmm. She probably wouldn't sound too much different screaming my name in the sack... With a sigh, I collected the dirty dishes from the common area and carried them back into the kitchen. Momma Jeanne's presence dominated the small room. She hummed to herself by the sink, scrubbing away at the dishes. "Kade." She nodded when I set the load of dishes down. I nodded back, grabbed a napkin and began raking the scraps off the plates and into the garbage. It was pretty gross work but I'd gotten used to it. I placed the empty plates in a pile beside Momma Jeanne. Once I finished scraping the plates clean, I picked up a dishrag, moved to the other side of her, and started drying the dripping pots. "What do you think of the newcomers?" Momma Jeanne said. "Too new." I shook my head. "I bet the two from Tennessee won't last a day of roughing it.

One of them couldn't even handle a raccoon in her room..." Momma Jeanne smiled but didn't say anything. I couldn't tell whether she agreed or disagreed with me. "They're certainly easy on the eyes," I added. "They are." She wore a mischievous smile. "Especially the little dark-haired one." Ash. I remember thinking about her picture for hours after I'd seen it on my phone. She was even more captivating in person. When I first saw her for real, I'd never wanted anyone so badly in my life. I wanted to take her away and make her mine. I wanted to protect her from everything bad in the world and hold her in my arms and fuck her until she forgot about her troubles. Yeah, I'm quite the romantic, I know. Momma Jeanne's voice brought me out of my head. "You're going to leave her alone, right?" She was watching me carefully. "Don't act so surprised. What, you think I'm blind?" I couldn't meet her eye. Something in her voice told me I had to be very careful how I answered. "I wouldn't put my job on the line for some intern." Not to mention there was no way I was going to let myself get hurt againnot that I was what Ash wanted, anyway. Momma Jeanne looked at me a few seconds longer, then nodded to herself, apparently satisfied with my answer. I felt a little ticked that she'd even have to ask me something like that, but she was only looking out for Ash, I reminded myself. I finished drying the last dishes and then grabbed my leather jacket from the hook by the back door. I pulled the pack of cigs from my pocket and tapped out the last smoke in a cool, practiced motion. "You smoke too much." Momma Jeanne said. I shrugged, tossing the empty package in the garbage can. "Last one this summer, promise." It really was the last pack I had, though I'd convinced Don to smuggle me in another two on the next supply run. Momma Jeanne didn't need to know that, though.

"You always say that, then you go back to that city of yours and pick up every bad habit again. Swearing, smoking, drinking. Womanizing." She shook her head. "You know me too well. Guess I'm just a disappointment. Maybe I should make it my profession. Disappointing people." I fished out my lighter but before I could duck through the back door, she put a hand on my shoulder, her brows knit together in concern. "Don't say that. You're not a disappointment. Not out here. You do good work for us." "Yeah, I guess." "There's no guessing about it. You do. Your job is important. Falcons aren't meant to be in cages." She was right about that. I opened the back door and stepped into the night. I flicked the lighter and lit my last cigarette, intending to relish it. I was going to be crabby as hell for the next few days while I worked through the nicotine withdrawal. Considering the hours of driving and hiking we had to do in the coming days, I wasn't doing anyone any favors. The crunch of footsteps alerted me to someone's approach. Blaine's familiar broad shoulders grew near, outlined against the building lights. "You can see that cigarette from a mile away," Blaine said. "Trying to make yourself a target for grizzlies?" "I'm more worried about wolves than grizzlies," I said. Blaine shrugged, and then leaned against a nearby tree. "What do you think about Gina?" I smirked. "What do you think about her?" I took a deep drag on the cigarette. He was quiet a moment. "I don't actually know. Mixed feelings, I guess. She's hot, and smart, but gives off a clingy vibe. I'm not sure I can handle another high-maintenance girl." I took a deep drag. "One thing I can't figure out about them." "What's that?" "They're both premed," I said. "Why fly 3,000 miles for an internship completely unrelated

to your degree?" Blaine folded his arms. "I wouldn't say it's completely unrelated, but I hear what you're saying." Blaine's brows drew together in that way of his that told me he was debating telling me something. Finally he said, "Gina's on a mission." "Really?" I drawled. "A mission. What kind?" "Apparently she brought Ash out here for a reason." I chuckled, thinking he was joking, but he didn't smile. "Okay. Tell me this reason of hers." "She wants to save Ash. Her words." "Save her?" I didn't like the sound of that. "From what?" "I don't know. Herself? Her past? She didn't say." "Well, whatever." I took a deep drag. "I don't really care." Though I was more curious about Ash now than ever. Even so, I didn't want Blaine to suspect anything so I changed the subject. "By the way, when do you plan on getting into Gina's panties?" I gave him a sly look. Blaine smiled innocently. "You know the rules." "There's always ways around them." Blaine's smile deepened. "I hear we're going to be spending a lot of time in the wilderness..." I laughed. "Thank God. You picked up what, one chick over the entire winter?" "I didn't pick her up, we dated." Blaine sounded indignant. "Which was a huge mistake, if you ask me." I put out my cigarette and the two of us headed for the front of our dorm building. "You only dated her because she threatened to kill herself if you didn't. And then when you were together, she sucked the life out of you. You had no spare time. I remember you skipping out on the gym sometimes to take her to the salon. I mean, come on, you were so grateful when you caught her cheating, I thought you were going to kiss the other guy. Cardinal rule, Blainenever stick your dick in crazy or desperate. Not to mention high-

maintenance." Blaine pressed his lips together. "Sure thing, Kade. You're the real relationship expert here. Since I've known you, all you've ever had are one-night stands. Never a girlfriend." Blaine pulled ahead of me, taking the stairs of the dorm two at a time. I didn't move. I just stared at his back. No, Blaine. I had a girlfriend once. A long time ago. But she taught me the truth about relationships. Or rather, the lie. I guess I owed my ex because her actions made me who I was today. But I couldn't feel indebted to her. She broke up with me and married another dude. I'm not sure what hurt more: the fact that she took my son away from me or that I wasn't good enough. I still felt the pain even five years later. Five years. At the top of the stairs, Blaine turned around. "You coming?" Suddenly, I felt extremely tired and it was all I could do to labor up those damn stairs.

CHAPTER FOUR

Ash

Eighteen months earlier...

It was a perfect day. I just got home from five-o'clock Christmas mass and had to rush upstairs because I still had presents to finish wrapping. My folks liked to do the present opening thing on Christmas Eve. The plan was to celebrate Christmas at my house tonight and then Devon's tomorrow. Devon spent a few minutes downstairs chatting with my folks and then he joined me in my room. I'd wisely chosen to wrap his present first, and I was just putting the finishing touches on the ribbon. Gosh, ribbons could be such finicky things. I had to retie the thing three times. I wanted it to be perfect. "Hey," Devon said, whispering in my ear. His warm breath ran down my lobe to the nape of my neck, where he planted a tender kiss. "You look amazing tonight, as always." "Mmm," I said, pushing my head into him. "Miss me for the long time we were apart?" It had been a whole twenty minutes. "You know it." We kissed. It wasn't a light peck. It was a long kiss that spoke of the years we'd known each other. The years of trust, friendship and mutual sexual discovery. I'd almost say it felt like a comfortable kiss, but it was far too arousing for that.

He started to unbutton my blouse. I stopped him. Both our folks knew we were having sex. Still, I refused to let him seduce me while my parents were downstairs. It made me feel dirty, somehow. "You know I won't have sex when my folks are home," I said. "Come on." He tried for my blouse again. "It's not like they'll barge in on us or anything." There was a knock at the door. I gave him a self-satisfied look. "You were saying?" My stepdad Bill poked his head in the doorway. "I'm not interrupting anything I shouldn't be, am I?" He was looking right at me. "Well, if you were," I said. "You'd be staring at a pair of naked butts rocking it out right now." Bill frowned. "Thanks for that image, Asha." He always called me by my full name, I guess to annoy me. "I meant seeing any presents I wasn't supposed to be seeing." He was already starting to close the door again. "I came up to tell you dinner is ready. Mario's really outdone himself this time." Bill had hired Mario away from a local Italian bistro to head our kitchen. His food was outstanding. "Wait until you taste his turkey souffle. You're gonna love it." When he closed the door, Devon and I exchanged a disbelieving glance. "Turkey souffle?" Devon said. "Sounds really bad." He gave me a light peck on the cheek and got up. "The weirdness that goes on at your house..." "Tell me about it," I said, laughing. The souffle was surprisingly good, and after dinner we sat down in the living room to open presents. Devon and I had decorated the tree, which was a freshly cut blue spruce about seven feet tall. Different colored lights spiraled near the trunk like glowing birds, while Tennessee-themed

ornaments such as bears and mountains hung from the outer branches. We'd slathered the whole thing in shiny red and blue icicles so that altogether the tree looked a little like a big, hairy pinecone. As usual, there were a ton of presents under the tree. They came in all sizes, but I knew most of them were just the usual filler items nobody asked for but got anyway: shirts, ties, socks, chocolates. "Let's get started," Mom said eagerly. She always got excited at this part. Watching me open presents reminded her of when I was younger, I guess. I was the self-appointed present giver. I liked being able to choose what presents were opened and in what order. I went to the tree and picked out one I'd gotten for mom. She took it and read the label. "To Mom, from the Hillbilly Wonka Chocolate Factory." I always had fun with the labels, and rarely signed my own name. Instead, I'd reference books we'd read in the past few months, or a movie we'd recently seen as a family. Usually I liked to sign something that hinted at what was inside, though sometimes I'd write red herrings just to keep everyone on their toes. Devon and I were the only ones who ever did stuff like that, but our handwriting was so different, everyone could usually tell which presents were from him or me. "Well, it's certainly not chocolates," Mom said, shaking it. She knew all my tricks. I think she already realized what it was but she still took an agonizingly long time opening the present. It wasn't chocolate, of course, but one of the romance novels she'd asked for this year. Bill's turn was next. Again, I gave him one of mine. "To Bill," he read. "From Dan Brown. Hmm." He devoured the wrapping paper. Inside was the latest treasure hunt thriller from Dan Brown. "How'd you know I wanted this? Thanks, Asha." I glanced at mom and she gave me a conspiratorial wink. I figured it was my turn next and I decided to grab the gift Devon had gotten me. I knew

which one it was because of the label. To Ash, From Your Most Secret Admirer. Devon looked at me apprehensively. "Maybe you should open that one later, Ash..." "Why?" I shrugged happily and tore off the silver wrapping paper, revealing a small box. At first I thought there was a watch or an earring or something inside. When I opened it up, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The moment I'd been waiting for had finally arrived. Devon knelt in front of me and wrapped his hands around the box and the silver ring it contained. "Ash. We've been through a lot together, you and I. You mean everything to me. We're not like other couplesyou're by my side day in and day out and I wouldn't have it any other way. Let's make it official. Will you marry me?" I glanced up and saw mom and my stepdad close to tears where they sat on the couch. I was nearly crying myself. I knew Devon was the one and I was certain that someday he'd put a ring on my finger. His timing had caught me a little by surprise, but we'd been dating three years and now was as good a time as any. "Yes," I said. My face was wet with tears of joy. "Yes." Devon slid the ring onto my left hand. I knelt and slammed my lips into his. My stepdad and my mom clapped in the background but I hardly noticed. This kiss was different than the one we'd exchanged earlier in my room. More urgent. Like we wouldn't get the chance to kiss like this again. He was the first to pull away, and he glanced sheepishly at my folks. "Sorry." "No," mom said, the happy tears streaming down her face. "Don't stop because of us." Devon glanced at me, seeming anxious to pick up the kiss, but I only smiled politely because for me, the moment was already broken.

Besides, there was something I had to do. "Wait here," I said. I ran upstairs and retrieved a small, wrapped gift from my room. I'd been debating whether or not to put this one under the tree but eventually I'd chickened out. I could give it to him now, though. "I have something for you," I said when I got back downstairs. Devon unwrapped the present, revealing a small, black leather box. He opened it. "I don't know what to say, Ash." He held up the titanium ring. "Guess I've been dragging my feet. Good thing I got the nerve to propose to you tonight or you would've beaten me to the punch." I shook my head. "Honestly, I've had it a few months but I never actually had the nerve to propose. I decided I'd give it to you when you gave me mine. To show you how much I love you. Take it. Use it to remember me when we're apart." "I don't need a ring to remember you but I'll take it." He slid the ring onto his left hand and we kissed again, a polite kiss that was mindful of the watching eyes of my folks. Though I supposed we shouldn't have been shy because everything was official now. Devon snuck into my room that night and for the first time we had sex while my folks were home. Devon picked up on my urgency and we made love with the same intensity as we'd kissed beneath the Christmas tree. I'm not really sure what had gotten into me, but I felt like we had to treat every moment we had together as something precious. I stifled my moans with the pillow, and when we were done, I just held him in my arms, not wanting to ever let go. "What's wrong?" Devon said. "Nothing." I couldn't keep the sadness from my voice. "Ash..." "Just promise you'll never leave me?"

He sat up in bed and tenderly held my cheek. I could see his green eyes in the dim light of the lamp. "Of course I won't. You mean everything to me." I closed my eyes and nuzzled his chest. "Baby, what's wrong?" he said. "Nothing." I wore the bravest smile I had. He knew I was lying. "Tell me." I sighed. "I guess, well, I'm scared." "Of what? Married life?" That wasn't it, but I murmured in agreement, anyway. "Nothing's going to change, Ash." He entwined his left hand through mine and our engagement rings touched with a satisfying clink, just as they had during our lovemaking. "Things are only going to get better from here on out. I'll never leave you. I swear it." We made love again. It was a perfect day. *** We'd been fighting. Devon had wanted to wait the traditional three months before hosting the engagement party, but I'd insisted on having the engagement party sooner. As in right away. It just seemed, well, too good to be true. I kept having this premonition of bad things to come. Which was strange because I knew life wasn't out to get me, that bad things didn't happen to good people. But I also knew my mom and dad had divorced when I was ten years old. Most ten-year-old kids were good. All I could do was bury myself in the engagement party planning, and of course, the subsequent wedding. I tried my best to ignore the premonition but it ran through everything I did

like this poisonous undercurrent, making my voice bitter when it should have been happy, sarcastic when it should have been serious. Needless to say, Devon had trouble dealing with this new, insecure me. It didn't help that my plans for the party, not to mention the wedding, didn't match his own. I wanted the best wedding ever. I wanted singers and dancers and a big cake and all my friends and an amazing buffet with nine different stations. Weddings only happened once in a lifetime, at least as far as I was concerned, and a wedding was the one time it was okay to really go all out and splurge and not feel bad about it. Gina and I had been dreaming about getting married since we were five years old, so of course I wanted everything involving the wedding to be special, including the engagement party. Devon, on the other hand, wanted a small wedding, and an even smaller engagement party. Thankfully, my folks also wanted a big one, and since the engagement party was traditionally hosted by the bride's family, I got my way in the end. At least for the engagement party. Gina helped me plan everything. She was my maid of honor and wedding/engagement party planner rolled into one. Devon and I usually ate Mexican on Saturdays for dinner, so of course I insisted on having a Mexican theme for the engagement party. Despite the short notice, Gina called in some favors and arranged for a live Mariachi band to play. On the menu were chicken wraps, mini beef tacos, amazing guacamole, and margaritas. Dessert was churros, of course. They were so good, especially with that extra thick manjar caramel slathered on top. Probably bad for the dress size, but engagement parties only came once in a lifetime, right? I wanted to have the party as soon as possible and my folks were happy to oblige. They wanted the wedding almost as badly as me. See, what I haven't mentioned is that Devon was the son of a shipping magnate, and heir to a staggering fortune. But for me it wasn't about the money. It never was. When would my folks understand that? My stepdad already had a lot of money, so I didn't see why it was so important to him and mom that I marry someone rich. Anyway, long story

short, my folks let me roll the engagement party in with their own New Year's Eve party, so of course all my stepdad's friends and their children were here. At least I'd be spared the awkward conversations that always came when my stepdad's friends (re)introduced their sons to me hopefully now they'd finally get the message that I was off the market. As for the rest of the guests, Gina and I had spent two full days putting together the event on Facebook and inviting everyone. We'd called it Ash's Kick-Ass Engagement Party. The turnout was fantastic, even a half hour into the party. Most of my girlfriends were here. I didn't see any of Devon's friends, though. I wasn't sure how many of them he'd invitedprobably none, given the arguments we'd had about the party. Too bad for him. Devon's family still hadn't arrived yet. When I called to check on him, we ended up squabbling, this time over a drink. Gina and I had planned the party as best we could in the short time we had, but we'd forgotten one of the most important items: a bottle of White Gold. It was traditional for Devon and I to share a bottle of the stuff on every special occasion. It was our "couples" drink, and things like anniversaries and birthdays just weren't the same without it. Devon was usually the one who brought it. But when I called him, he told me he assumed Gina and I had already gotten a bottle so he hadn't grabbed one. Boy, did I chew him out. He said it was too late to pick up a bottle now and we should just have the party without it. I said no. I wanted everything to be perfect, remember? Devon finally caved. He hadn't left home yet because he was going to hitch a ride with his folks, but his mom and dad still weren't ready and most of his household had the night off so he told me he'd just go out in his own vehicle and grab the bottle. That wasn't a problem because he'd just turned twenty-one and could buy drinks legally. "I can't believe how he acted on the phone," I told Gina after I hung up. "He didn't even say good-bye. I mean, he was the one who was supposed to pick up the bottle in the first place. He

always does. And now all of a sudden, you and I are in charge of picking it up just because we're planning the party?" Gina smiled sympathetically. "Well, he does have a point. We are the party planners, after all. If I were him, I would've assumed we had it covered, too. It's just too bad we didn't think of it." I refused to admit she was right. "I don't know... is it me or is Devon becoming a jerk now that he's asked me to marry him?" "Ash, I hate to say this, but it's definitely you." Gina patted me on the shoulder. "What's been eating you lately? You're definitely not yourself." I hadn't told her how I was feeling. How could I? I wanted to get married as fast as possible to avoid anything bad happening, which was ridiculous. Who does that? When I didn't say anything, Gina sighed. "Must be engagement jitters. That or too much free time on your hands." Gina was right about the latter. Having time off from class was definitely a bad thing because it gave me too much time to think about my situation. I'd just spent my first term at UT taking premed, something I didn't want to be doing at all. Devon knew the story. Before the semester began, I'd told him I wanted to be a veterinarian, and that my folks where forcing me to become a doctor insteadmy mom insisted that I follow in her footsteps because a veterinarian just didn't have the same prestige as a doctor. Devon had listened, but he said that premed and prevet were pretty much the same and I could just change it later. Somehow, I didn't think that would work out too well. I felt like I was leading my folks on, and changing later would only make things harder for me. If I waited too long, I knew I'd never do it. God, I wished I was a stronger person, someone who could stand up to my folks. Someone like Gina. Because I felt like I was wearing one of those wool sweaters you weren't supposed to put in the washing machine, but somehow I'd done just that and cranked the heat up on high so that

the sweater was growing tighter by the minute. No surprise then that with all these pent-up emotions and feelings roiling around inside me, I was taking out my frustrations on Devon. Still, I had my doubts about the whole thing. "I don't know, Gina. Do you think it's really just me?" I swallowed the knot that was rising in my throat. "I mean, we've been fighting ever since he proposed. Do you think he's regretting it? Maybe it would've been better if we'd never become engaged." Gina looked at me kind of funny and then she gave me a hug. "You poor thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Couples have their ups and downs. You should know that by now better than anyone." "Well, sure, but I'm nineteen. He's twenty-one. Maybe it's too early for the both of us." Gina smiled. Patiently, I thought. "You're just a bit scared of the wedding Ash, that's all. Spending your whole life with someone is a scary prospect. Nineteen or twenty-one or thirty-five, marriage is always going to be a bit scary. Why do you think I'm still playing the field? But come on. This is silly. You love him. He loves you. You've been together three years. Three years." She was right: I was scared. And he did love me as much as I loved him. I thought back to Christmas Eve and the vows we'd exchanged and the love we'd made that night. Our behavior since then was downright ridiculous. At least mine was. Like I said, it felt too good to be true, and I guess I was so certain things were going to go wrong that I'd started making them go wrong myself. A self-fulfilling prophecy sort of thing. Gina put an arm around my shoulder. "Come on, Ash, let's go to the churro table." I sighed in defeat. "I could use a couple of churros right about now. More than a couple." As Gina led me away, I promised her, "I'm going to stop these fights with Devon. I'm going to get my life straightened out. That's my New Year's resolution. I'm going to switch to the degree that I want to take, not the degree my folks want. And Devon's going to be there at my side through it all.

Together we're going to take life by the horns." Gina and I were hanging out at the churro table and I was in the process of eating my third churro of the evening when my phone rang. It was Devon's mom. I answered it, feeling happier than I'd felt all week. Things were finally going to work out. Things were finally going to get better, just like Devon had promised they would. "Ash?" It sounded like Devon's mom had been crying. My heart beat faster. I felt a rising sense of dread and I couldn't silence the voice that was whispering to me from deep inside. I was right I was right I was right. Something horrible has happened. And it's all my fault. "Yes?" I said, my voice trembling. "Are you sitting down?" My God. No. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. In a daze, I walked across the room until I found a chair. I sat down. Fell down, really. "It's Devon," she continued, almost choking up. "He's been in an accident. Drunk driver." I couldn't process the words for a few seconds. I just stared into space, blinking. "What?" My throat had constricted and I couldn't recognize my own voice, which came out in this high-pitched whine. I couldn't see, either. Not a thing. My eyes burned and my face felt wet. My hearing was strangely amplified, though, and I heard only one sound, the voice of Devon's mom. She'd become the only thing that existed in the world for me at this moment. All other sight and sound was extraneous. The people laughing and dancing around me. The happy singing of the Mariachi band.

"He was on the way to the store. It was a head-on collision. The airbag didn't deploy. Ash...." Neither of us said anything for long moments. "He's... he's okay, right?" I managed to say through the daze of shock. "He's going to be okay?" There was a long pause. "He wanted me to tell you he's fine." The tight clamp that had closed around my throat opened back up. I'd never felt more relieved in my life. Devon was going to be okay. If he'd left a message with his mom, that meant he was up and about and talking. He was fine. "Thank God," I said. "Ash, we're at UT Medical. Better... better get here soon." I left the party without saying a word to anyone. I thought I heard Gina calling my name, but her voice sounded distant, dreamy. I ran, staggering, to my car. Devon was fine. I was sure of it. His mom would have told me if anything were wrong. And I would have felt something if he were hurt, wouldn't I? We were soulmates. Our psyches were joined beyond the physical realm. He was fine. I could barely see the road for the haze that clouded my vision. My breath sounded loud in my ears. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. There was a red light. I drove through it. I almost hit a crossing pedestrian. I drove through a stop sign. Another car slammed on the brakes. He was fine. I pulled into the hospital parking lot and when I opened the car door, I tripped on my high heels and almost fell. I abandoned the heels and ran in my stockings.

He wasn't fine. Devon had third-degree burns over eighty-percent of his body. He should've been dead, but somehow he'd clung to life. When they finally let me into his hospital room, I couldn't even see his face because he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe. Little holes had been poked in the fabric for his mouth, nose, and eyes. He was unconscious, and his breathing sounded strained, like every inhalation was a fight. Only his left hand remained un-bandaged. The hand on which he wore the engagement ring I'd given him. Strangely, the fire hadn't touched it. He'd crawled away from the burning car on his own before it exploded. The doctors said he should've died from his injuries in the car, but he'd crawled away. He was a fighter. They were convinced he was going to pull through this because someone who had found the inner fortitude to crawl away from a burning car just didn't die in the end. It went against nature. Not just the doctors were saying that. Everyone was. They made me go home but I returned again the next day and sat at his bedside, holding his hand. It was New Year's Day. Devon hadn't regained consciousness. Probably for the best, at least for now, because if he did he'd only know a world of pain. An IV drip provided a steady stream of morphine and saline into his body. We were alone. His folks and mine had gone to the cafeteria to give me some time with him. The nurses were a shout away. "Devon," I said. My eyes and nostrils burned from all the crying I'd done yesterday and today, and my throat itched. I stared at his featureless face. At the gauze that wrapped most of his body. "I know you're still in there. I know you can hear me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced you to go out and pick up that bottle." Choking up, I shut my eyes for a second. The steady beep of his heart-rate monitor permeated the room. "There are so many things I

have to tell you. So many things I've left unsaid. I swear, I'm going to be a better person. I swear I'm never going to fight with you again. I love you. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I've loved you through the good times and the bad. That's why we're getting married, right?" I tried to smile through the tears. "Devon. We're going to spend our lives together. You can't go. Not now. Not when we're so close to tying the knot. Not when we're so close to starting our lives. This is our time. Our start." I couldn't help the tears now, and the waterworks just flowed. "When you're better, we'll run away, just the two of us. I don't care what you look like. I don't care if I have to push you around on a wheelchair all day. We'll go somewhere where there's no school, no peer pressure, no parents to tell us what to do. Maybe Europe. Or Canada. Or even Mexico." I entwined my hand in his. I felt our two rings touch. The clink sounded so sad to meit was just a whimper without him there to push back. "Can you imagine the two of us in Mexico? On the beach? Sipping pia coladas by the pool? We could eat churros and tacos and drink margaritas all day." I squeezed his hand tightly. So tightly. "We'll get through this, Devon. Don't forget your promise to me. Don't you dare. You swore you'd never leave me." I let go of his hand and stood up. "You're too young to die. You're a fighter. Everyone's saying it. Well fight, damn you. Fight!" But nothing could hold him here. Not all the money his folks had. Not his inner strength, not the promise he'd made to me, not even the love we had for each other. They'd said he couldn't die. Except he could. And he did. He never regained consciousness. Two days after the New Year I buried Devon. *** Present day...

I was wide awake when the first rays of the sun trickled through my window. Tapping my phone, I saw it wasn't even 5 a.m. yet. I cleared my 6 a.m. alarm and slipped out of bed. The birds were singing. It sounded like a sad song to me. Most songs did these days. I took my towel to the communal bathroom and was glad to find the place completely empty. I locked the door and showered as fast as I could. I left my fianc's ring hanging around my neck. I rarely took it off. A part of him lived on inside of me and always would. When I got back to my room, I changed into jeans, a frumpy long-sleeved shirt and hiking boots. Making a face in the mirror, I raked a brush through my hair and pulled my locks into a ponytail. I woke Gina up, then went downstairs to get a pot of coffee started. The kitchen was pretty lifeless at this early hour. Three other bleary-eyed interns were there; I drank two cups of coffee and exchanged small talk for a little while before returning to my room. When I opened the door, Gina glanced up from where she was perched on the edge of the bed. She was half done lacing up her boots. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun and she'd already applied a light layer of foundation and blush. I've never been able to figure out how she could get ready so fast. "What up, whoaman?" Gina said. "Look at you," I said. "Haven't even had a cup of coffee yet and you're already a glowing bundle of energy. Have you been sneaking deep-fried Oreos or something when I wasn't watching?" "I wish." Gina stood, glancing in the mirror, frowning at the less than flattering combination of hiking boots and shorts. Her legs were perfectly shaved, though. She'd probably shaved her pits, too. "The mosquitoes will eat you alive in that," I said. "Ever heard of Deet?" I crinkled my nose. I thought I'd smelled something acrid in here. "Ready for orientation?"

Gina twirled around for me. "How do I look?" Ten times better than me, as usual. I found myself wishing I'd shaved my own legs and pits. Wait a second. What the heck? Who would see my legs or armpits when I was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt? "You look amazing, Gina. Let's go." We walked side by side down the stairs, holding hands. Outside, we met up with the growing group of staff members who were clustered around the largest building. When Kade and Blaine joined the group, Rebecca climbed the stairs to the porch so everyone could see her. She went over the center's mission statement and then the basic rules, mostly covering things I had already read in the orientation materials. I listened intently at first in case anything new came up but my mind eventually started to wander. I glanced at Kade. He was standing on the far side of the group, almost across from me. He was looking right at me. When I caught his gaze, he turned away a little too fast. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks. Maybe he did like me. Not that it mattered. I couldn't be with anyone else. The guilt wouldn't let me. Rebecca called Kade's name just then. Kade stiffened and I saw a sheepish expression flash across his face. But then the cockiness returned in full and he smirked. "Say again?" Rebecca jerked a finger toward the aviary. "I said get Orion." Kade jogged toward the other building. "All right, so the rest of this meeting is just for the baby ducks and their mentors. Everyone else is free to go back to work." Rebecca waited as most of the employees dispersed, leaving the interns and the workers we were assigned to. "Now as you know, our primary focus here is the preservation and study of peregrine falcons. You're all about to meet Orion, our education bird. He's missing part of a wing from an accident he had as a hatchling. He's been raised by us, and he's

the friendliest bird we have. Thinks he's human. Ah, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Orion." My eyes widened as Kade returned with a large, beautiful falcon balanced on his arm. Kade carefully climbed the steps to the porch, his impossibly green eyes focused on the bird perched on his fist. A heavy leather gauntlet protected his forearm from the wicked talons and curved beak. Orion was bigger than I had expected and looked fierce. The falcon glanced around alertly, occasionally flaring its wings for balance. Rebecca pointed out Orion's distinguishing features and warned that while the beak was a formidable weapon, it was the talons you really had to watch out for. One intern asked how Kade kept the bird on the glove. He answered, pointing out the thin straps called 'jesses' that were tied around each leg and looped through the rings in the glove. Eventually the questions ran out and Kade took Orion back to the aviary. He glanced my way before vanishing inside but I was very careful not to meet his eyes. I had the sense he was proud I'd seen him holding that falcon. "All right," Rebecca said. "Time for your assignments. I'll deal with the wardens and their interns first. Josh and Caylin, you and your interns get section A. Maria and Jen, you're taking section B this year. Blaine, you and Kade have section C." I remembered from the orientation material that C covered the most territory. Rebecca went on to discuss the assignments of the other workers and interns and then she dismissed us. "I look forward to another great season with you guys." The group started to disperse. "Section C?" Kade's voice startled me. I hadn't noticed him come back. "Sweet! Momma said we might get to go out there again." Blaine nodded, grinning widely. "How early do you want to head out tomorrow? Sevenish?"

Kade frowned. "Tomorrow? Shit, no, I want to head out today. I've already got everything packed. I just need to finish up with Jessica. Meet you at the Jeeps in an hour." Kade was already strolling back to the aviary. "Who's Jessica?" I asked Blaine. Was that jealousy I heard in my voice? Blaine had an amused glint in his eye. "Not who but what. Jessica is a falcon." "Oh." "Come on." Blaine escorted us to the dormitory and told us to pack for our three day trip in the woods. "All you really need to bring is a change of clothes. Don't worry about tents, food, water or insect repellent. We've got that all covered." "What should we do when we're done packing?" I said. "I'll meet you in your dorm's kitchen." He walked off. Gina stared at his back. "He has such a sexy butt, don't you think?" I rolled my eyes and started toward the other dorm. "Hey, where you going?" Gina called to my back. "There's something I have to do. See you at the room!" In the other dorm, I caught Momma Jeanne reading a slut-mance in the common room. She didn't hide it. She seemed proud of the book, actually, and was slightly offended when I suggested she use an e-reader for more privacy. Anyway, I got her to lend me some bear spray. She insisted I wouldn't need it but I took it for the peace of mind. No matter how hot they were or the connection I thought I felt with Kade, I hardly knew him or Blaine and I was a bit scared about being alone in the wilderness with either of them. Gina and I were big girls, sure, and we could take care of ourselves, but there was no way either one of us would be able to overpower the two if it came to it. I went back to the room and spent the next hour packing with Gina. I was actually done in ten minutes. Sweater: check. Rainproof jacket: check. Extra pair of jeans: check. Bear spray: check.

Gina, meanwhile, spent her time wavering back and forth over what to pack, but eventually she decided on three sets of clothes, one portable makeup kit, two disposable razors and a manicure set. We brought our backpacks down to the kitchen. Blaine was already there, devouring a sandwich, and he made two more for Gina and I to eat. When we were done, we left our backpacks in the kitchen and then all three of us went to the aviary to fetch Kade. The inside was roomy, filled with rows of spacious cages, half of which were empty. The remaining cages held birds of all kinds. Magpies squatted on perches. Robins pecked at food. A hawk screeched. I counted five peregrines. It was like going to a pet shop but minus the cute puppies, kittens and parrots, though the place had that same barnyard smell. I loved it. "All these birds are injured?" I said. Blaine shook his head. "No. Only two are right now. But for a lot of the injured birds, this becomes home. We can't just release a bird with half a wing or half a leg into the wild. It'd die. And Rebecca doesn't have the heart to let them go. None of us do. So we keep the ones that need our help." Kade was at the far end of the aviary with another intern. I recognized the punk rock girl from Montreal I'd met last night during supper. Half her head was shaved. The other half hung in a cropped wedge over her face. She wore a tight tank top and all the exposed skin from her neck down was covered in tattoos. I felt the jealousy againshe was exactly the kind of girl I thought Kade would be interested in. The two of them were hunched over a sedated falcon. Its wings were spread out and clipped to the tabletop. Both of them looked up as Blaine came close, but when Kade saw who it was, he returned his attention to the falcon. "Hey, Blaine!" the punk rock girl said. Blaine nodded. "Sadie." So that's what her name was again.

She gave him a hug. "We're almost done." Blaine glanced at Gina. "Good. The girls are getting antsy." "You look even more beautiful than last night," Sadie said, giving Gina a hug. "Thanks, baby," Gina answered. "And you're a doll, as always." Sadie hugged me. "Hey, gorgeous." "Hey," I said. I turned toward Kade next, not sure if I should greet him, but he didn't look up. "He's a bit prickly," Sadie told me. "I heard that," Kade said. Sadie smiled and shrugged. "See?" I glanced at the falcon. "What's wrong with her?" "Oh." Sadie's tone abruptly saddened. "One of the locals brought Jessica in on the back road. Half the feathers of her right wing were ripped clean off. The bone itself was shattered. We're setting it now. Birds have hollow, light bones that break pretty easily. Great for flying but not so great for hitting things." "Or getting hit," Kade said. I leaned closer and watched Kade wrap a strip of cotton gauze in a figure eight pattern around the wing. "What happened to her?" "We're not sure," Sadie said. "Maybe a wolf or coyote." Blaine came forward and had a look at the falcon. "That's definitely a wolf. You can see the bite pattern." Kade glanced at his friend. "Maybe. Though I doubt a falcon with a broken wing could escape a wolf." "Maybe the wolf changed its mind when the falcon pecked out its eye?" Kade gave a sharp laugh. "Yeah. Falcons are good like that." His expression hardened.

"Still pisses me off, though." I stared at the bird. "Jessica. Poor thing." "Don't worry." Sadie smiled reassuringly. "In a few weeks she'll be as good as new. You'll see." "We're about done," Kade told Blaine. "Might as well start loading the Jeeps. I'll be out in a jiff." I followed Blaine outside. I wasn't sure whether to feel excited or scaredall I knew was that the true adventure was about to begin.

CHAPTER FIVE
Kade
I finished up with Jessica and went outside to the Jeep. I was the first one there. My backpack sat in the trunkI'd already loaded it before orientationso there was nothing for me to do but wait. The Jeep was shaded by a tall pine so I climbed up to perch on the roll cage and lay back. Normally I would have enjoyed the peace and quiet, but not today. The nicotine withdrawal symptoms were too intense. I rubbed my scratchy eyes with sweaty palms. My head was beginning to ache and my mouth felt dry, no matter how much I drank. I kept seeing images of cigarettes in my head. I suppose there was a bright side to all this, because the cravings kept my mind off that sexy little intern. I started to doze off when the thump of another bag landing in the back of the Jeep made me jump. I didn't bother to look. "When do you think those damn interns will get here, Blaine?" "Well, Gina wanted to apply some last minute makeup so she should be down in two minutes or so. I couldn't tell you about Blaine." Holy shit. That sharp, distinctly feminine voice snapped my gaze right down from my perch on the roll cage and I met Ash's blue eyes. God, those eyes reminded me of the free, open sky, yet they were always unsettling somehow. I had called them haunted but I wasn't sure that was the right word anymore. The expression in them was far too complex for so simple a word. Sometimes I thought I saw barely restrained lust there and other times, pure fear. Right now I saw a mixture of both and I wanted to reach out and hold her in my arms.

I could lose myself in those eyes. I could lose myself in her. It felt like I'd known her all my life. That I'd been waiting all these years to be united with the girl I was meant to be with since I was born. But I didn't believe in destiny. And I definitely didn't believe in love. These feelings would only hurt me. I was sure of it. So I shrugged them off and did my best to deny the raw want that was threatening to devour me from the inside. I tossed up a smirk, a defense mechanism of mine that worked great at hiding my emotions. The moment of connection instantly passed and I felt physically drained, like I'd just thrown away the best gift I'd ever received. Shit. I jumped down from the top of the Jeep. "Hey, girl," I said with a sigh. "Hey." She managed a smile. She seemed weary too, and a little sad. Had she felt the connection too? I was standing beside her now, and I noticed the lump hidden beneath the top of her shirt. A pendant, maybe. I'd seen the lump before but never bothered to ask her about it. "What's this?" I reached toward the hidden object but before I could touch her, she jerked back, wrapping a protective hand around the area. "Nothing," she snapped, clearly irritated. I raised my hands in surrender. "And Sadie calls me prickly." I went to the driver's seat and sat down. Leaning back, I closed my eyes. "That from your boyfriend back in big ol' Tenni-zee?" I put as much Southern twang as I could into the words. "Bet he's fucking some other chick right now. You know what they say. When the cat's away..."

Suddenly I realized Ash was sobbing. I jerked up in my seat. "What? No. I didn't mean it. Christ." I got out of the Jeep. Blaine arrived just then, carrying a loaded backpack. He looked once at me, then at Ash, and dropped the backpack. "What's going on?" Ash was already storming away. "Ash," I said. "No. Come on." She disappeared into her dorm building. "What the hell did you do?" Blaine asked. I swallowed hard, then sighed. "The usual. I was an asshole." "It's going to be hard to get any work done if she hates you. You know that, right?" I shrugged. "She'll get over it." Blaine sighed. "It wouldn't kill you to be nice to her." I picked up the backpack Blaine had dropped and hoisted it into the Jeep. "Actually, it's probably for the best if she hates me." I stalked to the edge of the woods and ducked under the trees. I sat on a fallen log just out of view of the Jeep. Damn, I needed a smoke. What the hell had I said? I almost felt like I should apologize. I knew it was the right thing to do. But some loud, errant part of me argued that it wasn't my fault. I'd made a joke, for chrissake. A bad one maybe, but still a joke. The nicotine withdrawal was making me testy, that's all. I couldn't be blamed for that. My thoughts wavered back and forth, warring with one another, driving me deeper into bitterness and inaction. Finally, Blaine called my name. The concern in his voice dragged me away from my conflicted thoughts. I pushed myself off the log and took a deep breath to brace myself for having to go back to dealing with people. I instinctively reached up and brushed my fingertips across my neck, tracing the wings of

the falcon tattoo from memory. I rested my thumb on my larynx, where the falcon's eye looked out on the world. I could almost feel the falcon there inside me, calming me, giving me strength. Steadying myself, I walked from the pines. The other three were already in the Jeep. Blaine sat in the driver's seat and Gina and Ash were in the back. Damn itI wanted to drive today. I had half a mind to kick Blaine out from behind the wheel. I grudgingly swung myself into the shotgun seat, pretending I didn't notice the dark look Ash sent my way. I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to start anything. If we could all survive this trip without any major blowups I'd be happy. Well, not as happy as I would've been if we didn't have to drag the two interns along in the first place. Ash was going to be a distraction, big time. Not to mention a pain. I would've turned the radio on full blast but there were no stations out here and the Jeep's radio wouldn't accept CDs or tapes so I couldn't use an adapter to connect my phone. We drove in uncomfortable silence, the only sound the constant drone of the engine. I felt the tension in the Jeep building until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I turned to Ash and said, "I acted like a dick, okay? I should've kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry." I sat back in my seat, not really expecting a response. But a minute later she spoke up. "You did act like a dick," she said, loudly. I turned back, feeling a rush of defiance. But when I saw her blue eyes, saw how wary, mistrustful, and accusing they were, I lowered my gaze, feeling like she'd just slapped me in the face. I didn't like that look on her at all. When I glanced up again I thought I saw a flash of gratitude in her eyes. Like she was happy I acted ashamed or something. Or maybe it was a flash of victory. Damned if I could read her. I shifted in my seat and looked away.

"My dad boxed in college, you know," she said. "Keep that in mind the next time you decide to touch me. Also, I have bear spray." I felt my cocky nature, the side of me that hated to back down from a fight, reassert itself. "What are you saying, you'll beat me up?" "You wish." I snorted. "I didn't exactly touch you. I reached for you. There's a difference." "Not to me." I shook my head but I took the fact that she was actually talking to me again as a good sign. I felt the bitter knot in my stomach slowly start to untangle. I glanced in the right-side mirror and tilted it so I could see her without looking back. Her posture appeared less tense, though she still seemed to be watching the back of my head warily. Did she think I was some kind of wild animal that had to be under constant observation? Was she afraid I'd suddenly snap at her with my fangs or something? I cataloged her every movement in my mind, not even close to figuring her out. I tilted my head back and watched the sky as Blaine steered the Jeep over bumpy, rutted roads that hadn't been driven since last summer. Pine trees bordered on either side in a dense wall of terrain that was impassable to the Jeep. The occasional branch overhead blocked out the sun so that the rays flickered. I managed to doze off despite it all but I couldn't escape Ash, not even in my dreams. She was always there, no matter if I was awake or asleep, the idea of her lingering in the back of my mind. The way her cheeks dimpled when she smiled. The curve of her body. Her mysterious eyes. Her secrets. Somehow, she reminded me of Orion, the education falcon. So beautiful, yet wounded in ways that weren't immediately obvious. I wanted to know all her secrets. I jolted upright when the Jeep stopped suddenly. I glanced around, trying to get my

bearings. Pines still lined the route but we should have been in a clearing. I heard water gushing nearby. I looked directly ahead; this definitely wasn't the planned campsite. "Well, kids," Blaine said. "Looks like we've reached the end of the road."

CHAPTER SIX

Ash
I stood up and got out of the Jeep, stretching the kinks from my muscles. I walked to the bank, where Kade was taking pictures of the river with his camera. "Flash flood." Kade pointed out the logs, twigs and other sediment. A wide steel culvert lay in the middle of the river a short ways downstream. "The river swept out the bridge. When you get a hundred millimeters of precipitation, it has to go somewhere. Rebecca said they had a ton of snow this winter plus heavy rains all spring. Something had to give, eventually. That's climate change for ya." I saw no sign whatsoever that there used to be a bridge here. The dirt road went right up to the river and just ended. "The river doesn't look like much now though, does it?" Blaine said. "Think it's shallow enough to ford?" Kade shrugged. "I'll go first. If it's crossable, I'll let you know." "We could always go back." Blaine said. Kade laughed bitterly. "And do what? If we tell Rebecca we can't reach section C, we'll be given desk jobs for the rest of the summer. Fuck that. We cross." I stepped up to the edge of the river and eyed the length both ways. "Maybe we should follow it for a while and see if there's a shallower area. It looks a bit deep in the middle here. Even if the river's only waist deep, if one of us slips, that's a whole quarter of our gear soaked."

Kade met my eyes briefly and I saw a hint of a challenge there but then he nodded. "Actually, that's not a bad idea. We can split up and go in opposite directions, then meet back here in twenty minutes." He looked at his watch. "Blaine and Gina, you search upstream. Me and Ash will go downstream." "Wait." I felt a rising panic. "I'm not sure it's such a good idea to separate." I looked at Gina pleadingly. "We'll cover more ground this way," Kade said. "But can't Gina come with us?" I pressed. Gina seemed about to argue but then she sighed. "All right. I'll go with you guys." Kade gave me an angry look. "I'd feel much better if Blaine wasn't out there by himself. Most wild animals won't bother two people. The same animals won't think twice if they spot a man alone. It's their instinct to hunt for prey separated from the pack." "Wait a second. Wild animals?" I swallowed. "Like what? This wasn't in the field guide." "Actually, it was. There's a whole section on wolves and bears." I vaguely recalled the section he was talking about, which offered the same type of warning I'd read in those little pamphlets they handed out at national parks like The Smoky Mountains about black bears and whatnot. I always ignored those pamphlets because I knew I'd probably never see a bear if I didn't stray from the trails. But I was in a different country now, far from any trail, and very likely outnumbered by those very same bears. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking." I went to the Jeep and dug into my pack. "What are you doing?" "Getting some protection." I was waiting for Kade to crack some joke about condoms or something but he kept quiet. What he said about wolves and bears gave me the excuse I was looking for, though, and I pulled out the bear spray along with my jacket. I slid the jacket on and shoved the spray into my pocket. I gave Kade a smug smile.

His eyebrows drew together. "Look, I've been an asshole to you so I can understand why you don't want to be alone with me. And I'm sorry for that. I'll try to act more professional here on out. If you'd prefer, Gina can come with me and you can go with Blaine." "I'll be fine." I patted the bear spray in my pocket. "Got protection now." Gina spoke up. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" She sounded genuinely concerned. I nodded. "Go." I knew how badly she wanted a chance to be alone with Blaine. Who was I to deny her? Gina gave me a hug and then she looked at Kade. "You take care of her now, you hear?" He gave her a curt nod and then Gina hurried after Blaine. I fell in beside Kade and widened my strides to keep up with him. I easily kept paceI'd been an active hiker and camper for most of my life. Gina, who was almost as tall as Kade, often hiked along with me and I always kept up with her. But it wasn't keeping up that I worried about but rather the sense of destiny I felt. Going into these woods with a man I hardly knew, a man who could both frighten me and turn me on with the same look. I found it hard to shake the feeling that I'd either die out here or discover everything that was missing in my life. Probably the former, given that every time Kade opened his mouth, he let out his inner jerk. We stuck close to the bank, keeping away from the floodwater debris that crowded the shore. The silence between us was surprisingly companionable for the first few minutes but then it started to itch like a prickly sweater. I kept my hand near the bear spray, trying to figure out how to break the silence, though not completely sure I wanted to. Kade spoke first. "So what now? We play twenty questions and get to know each other?" His voice sounded strange, like he was forcing himself to be upbeat and I couldn't help a small laugh.

Seeing his shoulders slump, I instantly regretted the outburst. He was trying to be social. I might as well try, too. "Twenty questions sounds fun actually. How's that work again? We take turns asking each other a question? Or do we ask them all in a row?" "You've never played twenty questions before?" His voice took on a mock tsk-tsk tone. "Ash Ash Ash. What are we going to do with you?" "Sure I've played. It's just been a while and I don't remember the exact rules." Was he going to be an asshole about this, too? "Okay, okay." He must have sensed the tension in my voice. "You got it right the first time. We take turns. One question at a time. You ask first." "Uh...what's with the tattoos?" He glanced at the designs that covered his arms. "What about them? I mean, it would take all day to tell you about each of them." He rubbed a hand over the falcon tattoo at his neck almost self-consciously. "So they all have meaning?" I was a little surprisedit looked like a hodgepodge collection to me, like he'd just gone to the parlor on different days and asked the tattooist to ink whatever. Roses, snake heads, hearts. There didn't seem any pattern to the art. But it was art. I wouldn't deny him that. "Well, yeah, of course they have meaningbut hey, it's my turn." He threw me a sideways glance. "What about your single, lone tattoo? Any reason you chose to have Marilyn's face plastered on your forearm?" I felt myself blush and glanced down at my arm. I often forgot I had the thing. The black and white portrait of Marilyn Monroe's laughing face seemed to mock me every time I looked at it. "I don't even know what I was thinking. It doesn't mean anything. It was a mistake." Which was exactly why I'd thought his tattoos didn't have meaning. "I'd just turned sixteen. Wanted to do

something to rebel, I guess. I mean, really, what kind of role model is a woman who went through three marriages and then died of an overdose in her thirties?" "Don't be so hard on her. Monroe's an icon for a reason. She was a woman who rose above her station to make a star out of herself. Everyone makes mistakes, it's just too bad those mistakes sometimes end in tragedy." I stared at him as though he'd just grown a second head. Kade ran a hand through his dark hair. "What?" "Nothing." I shook my head and started walking again. "That was just sort of deep. I wasn't expecting it from you. No offense." "None taken. I'm generally a pretty shallow guy. Don't give me too much credit for something I read on Wikipedia. Besides, Megan Fox has one just like it." He smirked. "Let me guess. You have a thing for Megan Fox." "Big time." I smothered a giggle. "I think I've figured you out." "Really." "You're just a dork hiding inside a cool exterior." Kade cocked an eyebrow. "Never heard anyone describe me quite like that. Sounds about right, though. A dork who swears, smokes, and works out." "And plasters himself in tattoos." Kade nodded. "Can't forget the tattoos." I laughed. I couldn't believe I was actually having fun with him. He wasn't the big jerk I made him out to be after all, the man I hated as soon as he opened his mouth. "You know, I might actually have been wrong about you." Kade pressed his lips together. "Most people are." I smiled, and I supposed I didn't need to say anything more on the subject.

We walked in silence for a while. I breathed in the sweet, pine-scented air and listened to the river gurgle past beside us. I was struck by how utterly perfect the scene was. Despite everything that had happened, everything I'd gone through, the world truly was beautiful in this moment. A river on one side. A hot guy on the other. Except the guy wasn't mine and never would be, I reminded myself. Even so, I was curious to know more about him. "How long have you been working up here?" I asked him. "Still playing twenty questions, are we?" He paused to glance down at his hands, almost as if he were counting on his fingers. "This will be the sixth summer." "Six summers." He didn't seem that much older than me. "You must have started when you were still in high school. You must be, what, twenty-two?" Kade shrugged. "Only one question allowed at a time." He flashed a grin and I noticed the cutest dimple on his cheek for the first time. I loved dimples like that. "But what about you? You look about twenty, and if I had to guess, I'd say you have some Norwegian ancestry going on." "Norwegian? Where'd you get that from? Do I look like a cold and icy bitch or something?" "Not at all. The opposite, in fact. Girls from Norway are smoking hot." "Oh." I felt my face flush. "Well, my real dad is originally from Tennessee, and my mom's Russian." Kade grinned. "You? Half Russian? I would've never guessed. Privet? Kak dela?" "I don't speak a word of it. Though I've thought about taking a few courses or even hiring a tutor. Russia's a beautiful country I hope to visit someday. You?" Kade lowered his gaze sheepishly. "Had a few Russian flings." I glanced at him. "Tell me something. You work here in the summers, and you seem to like ityou're a real outdoors person and all thatbut what does someone like you do in the winter?"

"Nothing special. I work in a dive bar in Vancouver when it gets cold. Doorman." "That's right. I remember all those stories everyone was telling over dinner. Quite the lady's man, aren't you?" He pressed his lips together. "No comment." I felt a bit like I'd pushed him away and I wanted to fix things. "I didn't mean anything by that. I worked in a bar a few summers ago, too, when I went to visit my real dad. Beer tub girl. Nothing like cheap booze to spice up the work environment." "Real dad?" Kade wore an expression I hadn't seen before. Concern? "What's the story there?" "My mom left him for a banker when I was ten." I just stared at the trail ahead. I didn't want his pity. "I always swore I was never going to do that to myself or my kids. Cause all that pain, I mean. If I marry someone, it's going to be for good. For life." Kade seemed thoughtful. "Like a falcon." I nodded, and gave him a smile. "I suppose so." My gaze involuntarily dropped to his throat and the falcon tattooed there. Kade turned so that he was staring out at the river. "So. You're studying to be a doctor?" I couldn't tell if he was just trying to keep the conversation going while we searched for a crossing or if he was genuinely curious about me. "I am. My mom used to be a pediatrician. She wants me to follow in her footsteps but I'm not interested in children's medicine at all." I knew I was rambling but I couldn't help it. There was something about Kade that made me feel like I could confide in him. "My folks threw a fit when I told them I'd accepted this position and not a clinical internship in Knoxville." I instantly felt like I'd said too much and I cringed a little inside. "That's messed up," Kade said distractedly. He halted. "There, that looks like a place we could cross." He stepped from the tree line and pointed.

I breathed a quiet sigh of relief, glad he hadn't pursued that particular line of conversation. I wondered if he'd sensed my unease and had purposely changed the subject. Maybe a small part of me was disappointed that he hadn't seemed to care but like I said, I didn't want his pity. I'd already heard the oft-repeated lecture from Gina that I should just do what I wanted. But things were more complicated than that. Coming from a family with money, there were certain expectations that had to be met. Expectations so deeply ingrained in me that I wasn't sure how to escape them. I didn't think I ever could. I gazed at the pebble-covered riverbed. It definitely seemed shallower. "I agree." "So that settles it. We'll cross here." Kade checked his watch. "Let's head back. We'll probably beat Blaine and Gina by a few minutes." He pulled out a pocketknife and I stepped away from him, keeping my distance. "Whoa." I watched warily as he made a mark on one of the trees. "Just making a little blaze here," he said. "A what?" "A blaze. A mark." He chipped away the bark until there was a long whitish-brown scar in the trunk and then he put the knife away. "That's where the word trailblazing comes from, by the way." "I didn't know that. You really are a walking encyclopedia, aren't you?" Kade smirked. "Hey, I already agreed with you when you called me a dork, didn't I? No need to rub it in. And you're the one who misquotes Lord of the Rings, remember?" I laughed and the conversation tapered off. This time the silence didn't seem so painfully awkward. We moved with purpose, eager to get back to the others. I didn't realize how close we were walking to each other until my hand brushed his. I felt a tingle of pleasure shoot through my arm and I moved away to put a little more space between us. I told myself I'd imagined the tingle. I had to because it was the only defense I had. I didn't want to admit it but there was something

primal that attracted me to Kade. He hadn't seemed to notice the touch, though. His sea-green eyes were glued to the river as if he were searching for a better spot to ford. I rested my hand over the ring I wore around my neck beneath the shirt. Would anyone else ever measure up to the man I almost married? Was I making a mistake by denying my feelings for Kade? Finally, we reached the area of the washed-out bridge. Kade went over to a log shaded by a pine while I sat in the Jeep and basked in the sun. I fumbled in the backpack beside me until I pulled out one of the apples I'd stuffed inside. Blaine had told me not to bring any food because he and Kade would handle the rations, but I had the room so I threw two apples in. I offered one to Kade. He shook his head. I bit into the apple with a shrug and gazed out at the river. "You like vodka?" Kade said. "What?" I glanced at him uncertainly. "That's kind of an odd question. From way out in left field." "You're half Russian." He was staring at me intensely. "You must like vodka." "Oh, no." I returned his gaze with equal intensity. Had he felt that tingle when our hands touched, too? Our conversation was all innocent on the outside but I could sense the sexual tension seething on the inside. Neither of us broke eye contact. He wasn't sitting all that far from me. It wouldn't take much to close the gap and wrap my lips around his. "I had vodka once when I was in tenth grade. Almost threw up. Scotch is more my thing." "Scotch? That's a man's drink." I shrugged, but didn't break eye contact. "Not really." "Any preferred brands?" His voice sounded deeper, more sexual. I was starting to lose

myself in those eyes. "I don't know." My voice sounded strange, too. A little breathy. "All kinds of brands. I don't like Jack Daniels, though." "That's not even scotch. That's whiskey." "Same thing." Kade stood up now and edged a little closer. His eyes never left mine. "How can you not like Jack Daniels? That's, like, a Tennessee institution. They make it there, don't they?" "They do." My heart was beating fast. "But Collier and McKeel is more my thing." "How do you know so much about all these drinks, anyway?" he said in that deep, slow voice. "The legal age is twenty-one in Tennessee." I knew my eyes were broadcasting sheer want. He felt it. I'm sure he did, because his eyes fed that want right back at me. "I'm a delinquent." "You are." He took another step closer. I could hear his breathing now. Deeper. Faster. "Collier and McKeel... remind me to let you try Seagram's 83 sometime. Canadians make the best whiskey. Perfect for a delinquent like you." "I'm actually more of a wine person. At least I used to be." We were so close now, barely a hand span away. Those green eyes never left mine, and consumed me. "Wine? I can see that. I'd peg you as a fan of white. You speak Sauvignon Blanc?" The way he said those French words sounded so sexy. "I speak champagne," I said huskily. "Dom Perignon makes the most amazing Cristal. White Gold is" I choked off the words, feeling suddenly like I was drowning, and I turned away from Kade. I couldn't hold back the sudden tears. I almost hoped he would wrap his arms around me and carry me away from the horrors of the past and save me from the guilt, but when I looked at him I saw he'd retreated to the shade again. He was sitting on the log with his arms crossed, facing away from me, staring at the river.

Neither of us said anything about what just happened. I was glad about that, actually. It was better this way. Better that he left me alone. I wiped the tears away quietly. After all this time, something so simple as the name of a drink still affected me. When would I rebuild the shattered pieces of my life? When would I be free of the guilt? "So what's your story?" Kade said, interrupting my sad thoughts. "Why are you here? Just defying your parents or what?" I smiled briefly. My cheeks had dried and I wasn't afraid to meet his eyes. I felt like he was challenging me somehow. "I don't know. I needed a change, I guess. Needed to get away from Tennessee. Too many bad memories. Gina kind of forced me into it, really." "So you don't really want to be here..." "I didn't say that. I just, well, it's really hard for me to go against the wishes of my folks sometimes. But I'm glad I came. Seriously. Coming here gave me a chance to get away from it all. To leave my folks behind, and my past. Kind of like starting over, almost. At least for a little while." He nodded, seeming solemn now. "If there's any place that's good for starting over, it's here. This place is kind of magical. There's something in the air, or maybe the water, that heals old wounds. Some only stay one summer. Others come back again and again." "Like you?" "Like me." He hadn't asked about my past. I was glad because I wasn't sure I would have told him about it, anyway. I wasn't ready to share that part of myself with him. Maybe someday. But not yet. He threw a small rock at the river and it skimmed the surface three times before sinking. "You know what? I think I'll have one of those apples, after all." I tossed him one and that signaled the end of our conversation. He gazed out at the river as

he ate, a thoughtful expression on his face. I resisted the urge to join him in the shade. I glanced at my watch and noticed a half hour had passed since we'd split from Gina and Blaine. I started checking my wristwatch more often, and grew more restless as the minutes stretched out and still they didn't return. Kade had noticed the delay, too, and he was even more on edge than me. He'd been pacing back and forth since he finished the apple and now he finally just burst. "Where are those fuckers?" "Would you please just sit down?" I said. "You're making me even more nervous." Kade threw up his arms and returned to his spot in the shade. "I need a smoke." Another five minutes passed. It had been forty-five minutes since Kade and I had first split from the other two. Kade stood. "That's it, we're going to look for them." I heard the snap of branches breaking nearby and Kade tensed. He quickly positioned his body between me and the sound. A wave of relief washed over me when Blaine and Gina appeared. Kade stamped forward. "What the hell took you so long? Don't you know the meaning of the words twenty minutes?" Blaine raised his hands apologetically. "Shit. Sorry about that. Got carried away, I guess. But we found a good crossing about a mile up." "Too far. Ours is closer." Kade gathered his backpack from the Jeep. He bent down right in front of me and seemed to be making a point of squeezing his bicep for my benefit. I pretended not to notice, though I kept glancing at his arm and saw a big vein running along the head of the muscle. I yearned to touch it. "Let's go." Kade shrugged on his pack. "I want to make the cliffs before dark." I squinted at the sun. It was creeping steadily toward midday. "It's not even noon yet. Are these cliffs really so far?"

Kade scrubbed a hand through his hair and then checked the GPS. "They are. We're going to have to seriously haul some ass." The rest of us grabbed our packs from the Jeep and swung them over our shoulders. "Should we make a call to Rebecca on the satphone, let her know what's up?" Blaine said. Kade shook his head. "I don't see the point. She knows we're going to section C. But she doesn't need to know the bridge is out. Not yet, anyway. It's not like she can do anything about it from there." "Except order us back." Kade smiled ironically. "Exactly." With that, he turned and led us downstream.

CHAPTER SEVEN
Kade
Ash drove me wild. Those sharp sky-blue eyes, the firm set of her mouth, the pouty lips, the defiant attitude. The secrets. Especially the secrets. She seemed so fragile at times. All it took was the wrong word to set her off. I thought I had an idea of what had happened to her and I was going to say something when she was crying there in the Jeep but the time hadn't seemed right. Besides, talking about her past was dangerous. It might bring the two of us closer together. I couldn't allow that. The only thing that got my mind off her were the nicotine cravings, which came in waves, a little bit like hunger. One moment I'd be going off the rails, ready to kill for a smoke, and the next, my mind would head straight back to Ash. I was seesawing between two different addictions. I glanced back and saw her swinging those sexy hips of hers. Damn. Too bad all she had for me were lies and broken promises. Maybe she was different but I doubted it. A haunted past didn't guarantee a thing. She met my gaze but I looked away, forcing myself to march on. As I led the others back to the ford, I noticed Ash stayed close to me and let Blaine and Gina fall behind. Interesting. I reached the blaze mark I'd made earlier and called a halt. I took off my boots and socks and stowed them in my backpack. Then I rolled up my pant legs and splashed into the water. Damn, it was frigid. My bare feet began to feel numb but there was nothing to do but grin and bare

itafter all, Ash was watching. After everyone had crossed, I dried my feet and pulled my socks and boots back on. I took out the GPS again and led the others toward the mountains that hugged the coastline. I glanced at the sun, which peered between the tall branches of the pines. "By the time the sun sets, we should make the cliffs." I increased my stride, eager to be there in time for the spectacular sunset. For some reason, it was important to me that Ash saw it too. Maybe it was because I knew she'd appreciate it. Or maybe I just wanted to share a small part of myself with her. At the end of the first hour I called a halt. "Water break." I lowered my pack and grabbed the canteen. Beside me, Ash pulled the tie out of her hair, shaking her locks out before retying them in an odd topknot. She looked like Princess Amidala from Star Wars or something. I shook my head, smiling slightly. Girls did the weirdest things with their hair. Still, it was kind of cute and I had to admit it showed off her neck quite nicely. I found myself wondering why I was attracted to her. Gina was more my type. Tall, blonde, leggy, chiseled. Ash was beautiful too, but in a different way. There was just something about her... if you took any one of her features by itselfher lips, her nose, her cheeksthey were nothing special. But when you combined them, she became something amazing, something more than beautiful. It was like every time I caught the sunlight hitting her face, I noticed something else about the color of her eyes, the fullness of her lips, or the shape of her nose. When she turned toward me, I pretended to be far more interested in my canteen. What was wrong with me, putting this girlthis internon some high-and-mighty pedestal far above ordinary mortals? I was just undersexed out here in the woods, that was all. Because I definitely wasn't developing feelings for this girl. I definitely wasn't going to get hurt again.

"British Columbia's a whole different beast than Tennessee, isn't it?" I said as we started hiking again. I'd never been the greatest at small talk. Ash frowned. "It's not some pissing contest, you know. 'My back country is rougher than your back country.' These woods aren't so different than The Smoky Mountains. Not at all." I shrugged, a little taken aback by her combative tone. I thought we'd moved past that. "Not what I meant. Like I'm supposed to know what The Smoky Mountains are, anyway." I imagined a mountain range made of cigarettes waiting to be smoked. Sounded like heaven. "Only the best mountains in Tennessee." Ash fell into step beside me, brushing my arm slightly as she did so. The whole area tingled as if some electrical spark passed between us. She'd done that earlier and I was starting to wonder if she was doing it on purpose. I doubted it. She was a medical student and liked her guys rich, clean-cut, and dressed in pinstripe suits and penny loafers, not poor guys like me with tattoos and spiky hair. I was fine with that. More than fine. Eventually, the dense pines gave way to lichen-covered rocks. Alpine flowers sprung from between the gray stones here and there. The incline steepened considerably and soon I heard the sound of waves crashing against rock. I crested the last rise and there it was, my favorite spot in the world. I'd been waiting since last summer to see this. It was one of the reasons I loved section C so much. I stood on a ledge. The rippling waters of the ocean stretched to infinity in front of me. The sun was low and even though it wasn't touching the horizon, it streaked the ocean red down the middle. The cloud-smeared sky was gold near the water but transitioned to red and then purple higher up. Below, the ocean waves struck the rocks and launched gigantic plumes of spray in every direction, though up here, they looked like tiny splashes. I heard Ash beside me. "I love it." She might as well have said, "I love you" for all the effect her words had on me. I was

actually starting to wish I was one of those clean-cut guys in the loafers and suits I thought she liked. I felt a wave of depression coming on as I realized once again I'd never be the kind of guy she wanted. But that was good, right? Really good. I went closer to the edge, maybe a little too close. My vision filled with the dizzying sight of the white breakers crashing against the rocks far below. A hand roughly grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Kade!" Blaine said. "What the hell's wrong with you?" I shrugged. Maybe I had gone a bit too close. That didn't mean he had to be so rude about it. I took off my backpack and let it fall to the ground. I fished around for my canteen and sat down. I wished I had a smoke. Ash and Gina had taken off their own packs and were busy snapping pictures with their otherwise useless phones. I wondered how long the batteries would last on those. "Look." I pointed out the silhouettes of two falcons in the distance, above the ocean. The birds swooped, dove and pirouetted around each other. "What are they doing?" Ash said. I grinned. "Courting." The birds slowly neared, the setting sun tinting their rich plumage red. I watched the larger female spin upside down, talons up, as she took something from the maleit looked like a fish. The birds broke apart and the dance was over all too soon. I was left feeling a little broken inside. I knew falcons chose their mates for life and that the two were just re-establishing their bond, but still I wished the act could last forever. Because after the dance there was only pain. Not that falcons had to worry about that. "Got positive IDs on Hercules and Andromeda." Blaine was writing in a notepad he'd pulled from his pack. The radio frequency tracker rested on the ground beside him.

"Glad to see they wintered all right." I stood. I suddenly realized this spot was best enjoyed alone, and I was impatient to get going. "Come on, we can check on the nests tomorrow. I want to set up camp before dark." "Is he always in such a hurry?" Gina asked Blaine. "Only when he's hungry." I was, at that. In the deepening twilight, I led the group over the rocky terrain and away from the cliff until I found a relatively flat area that would make a good place to set up camp. It was already getting cold so the first order of business was to pull on a sweater. While Blaine worked with Gina, I guided Ash through the steps of setting up camp and I was pleasantly surprised when her insistence that she wasn't completely new to roughing it seemed to be spot on. She was capable even with gear she hadn't worked with before. Before long, we had the four-person tent pitched and a firepit dug out and surrounded with stones. I placed three two liter bottles of water beside the pit for dousing purposes and then tossed Ash the lighter. I settled back and in moments, she'd created a warm, surging fire. "Did you know you can make fire from ice?" I said when she sat down across from me. I was feeling way more talkative than usual after a long day of hiking. Ash furrowed her brow. "What? How?" The firelight reflected in her eyes and made them glimmer. For some reason, I was reminded of gemstones. "The key is to find a clear sheet of ice," I continued as Blaine and Gina joined us. "River ice is perfect. The top part, anyway. You don't want the cloudy pieces deeper inside. Cut out a small section of ice, shape it with your knife, then use the body heat of your hands to smooth it into a lens. Angle it over kindling and the sun gets concentrated into a point, like a magnifying glass. The kindling ignites. Fire from ice."

I saw Ash and Gina exchange a glance. "I doubt it's as easy as he makes it out to be," Ash told her. "I never said it was easy. But it does work. The best shape is a sphere because you can keep rotating the ice until you find the best angle." Ash shrugged. "I'll stick with a lighter." That made me chuckle. "Touch." Darkness settled on the camp and with it came the night chill. We huddled closer to the fire for warmth. I could think of someone else I wanted to huddle closer to... Me and Blaine distributed sandwiches. We always ate those on the first day because the bread and lettuce got moldy fast. I'd also brought along some instant oatmeal but for most of the next three days we'd be eating rations of pemmican, Momma Jeanne's special recipe borrowed from the Native Indians. Made of dried beef mixed with fat, salt and spices, pemmican never went bad, as far as I knew. I'd also managed to find space for a bag of marshmallows, a little treat I'd bought along for the girls. I handed them out after we finished the sandwiches and Blaine snapped off some nearby branches and carved the tips with his pocketknife so we had roasting sticks. For fun, I reached into my pack and pulled out the circular drill. "What's that?" Ash said. I took off the drill bit and speared a marshmallow right onto the shaft. I winked at Ash. "Marshmallow roasting machine. Cooks all sides equally, every time." I activated the drill, applying only a little pressure, and the marshmallow began to revolve. As I'd promised her, all sides were toasted evenly. When it was ready I offered it to Ash and she slid it off the drill. She took a bite. "Mmm, it's perfect. So good." Some of the goo spilled over her lips and I had the craziest urge to wipe it off with my fingers.

Or my own lips. I forced myself to lie back on the ground. I had to, before I did something I regretted. Those lips of hers filled my mind. So kissable. "Let's do something fun," Gina said out of nowhere. "Like what?" Ash sounded wary. "I don't know. How about a game of truth or dare?" I pretended to groan from where I lay on the ground. "God. That's for thirteen-year-olds." "It's for adults, too," Gina said. "I hate that game." Actually, I liked it but felt like being a rascal tonight. Blaine gave me a sly look. "I hate it, too," Ash said. "And it is for kids." I tilted my head so I could see her from where I lay. Her pure blue eyes actually seemed a little wider than usual. Wide with...fear? Gina wouldn't take no for an answer. "Come on, let's play." "I'm game," Blaine said. I sat up and gave Ash what I hoped was a comforting grin. I lowered my voice. "Don't worry, this is the one game where you can lie your ass off and still win." "I heard that," Blaine said. "Trust me, I can tell when you're lying, Kade." "We'll see." I rubbed my hands together. "If we're going to play this game, then we're going to play the Canadian version." "The Canadian version?" Gina sounded just as worried as Ash now. "Yes." I grinned deviously and saw the glint in Blaine's eye. The 'Canadian' version was something I played at the bar when I was working on a girl, a harmless little game that sometimes got sexual. "Truth, dare, kiss, love, or torture?" "Torture." Gina said right away.

I pressed my lips together. "Looks like we've got ourselves a sadomasochist here, Blaine." "Hey!" Gina tried to slap my arm but I raised my hands and she ended up high-fiving me. I held onto her hand for a few seconds and when I let go, I noticed Ash was scowling at me. I wiped the grin off my face. "So, torture it is. You've got two choices, Gina. Tickle torture, where each of us gets to tickle you for twenty seconds. Or truth, where we all get to ask you a question." "Tickle torture." Gina smiled broadly. "Since I'm immune to tickling." Blaine launched at her and she squeezed her arms hard. I joined Blaine and together we managed to lift one of her arms and tickle her. We got her in the ribs, the underarmsno ticklish body part was spared. Gina struggled, laughing frantically the whole time. I think we tickled her longer than twenty seconds because it was just too hilarious and we were all laughing. Even Ash was chortling along behind us, though she hadn't joined in with the tickling. Finally, we sat down. "Immune to tickling, my ass," I said. Gina was still breathing hard and her face was all red. "You cheated." I rubbed my arm where she'd left a nice long scratch with her nails. "Nope. You're the one who cheated, trying to hold your arms down like that. Anyway, it's your turn." Gina looked at Blaine. "Truth, dare, kiss, torture...what else was there?" "Love." Blaine said. "That's right. Love. So Blaine, which is it?" "Love," he repeated with a grin. Gina glanced at me. "What's that mean? What does he have to do?" I shrugged. "Tell him who to make love to." Gina smiled. "Dry hump your backpack." Blaine threw up his arms in mock defeat and then proceeded to mount his backpack. I groaned and averted my eyes. "Ah, stop. I can't take it. I don't want to remember you this way,

Blaine. Not as a backpack humper." Gina and Ash were laughing. "All right ,all right, that's good enough, Blaine," I said. "You won." Blaine sat back. His face was flushed. "Ash is next. Truth, dare, kiss" "Kiss," Ash interrupted before he could finish. Blaine smirked. "Interesting choice. All right. Kiss Kade." Her eyes widened and she gave me that deer-in-the-headlights look. I shrugged like it was nothing but my heart was beating faster than it had all day. I actually struggled to control my breathing. She got up. I didn't move. I felt my shoulders stiffen. She stepped over to me and knelt. Her smell was all around mea mix of perfume and day-long sweat. I'd never been more aroused by a smell. Then her lips brushed my forehead. I felt that electrical spark, stronger than ever before, and I was worried I might shudder in front of everyone. She moved away and sat back down. I could still feel the touch of her lips lingering on my forehead. I was very careful not to look at her because I knew if I did, everyone would see the longing in my eyes and the wolfish, all-consuming lust. In that moment, I wanted her more than anything in the world. She'd kissed me. Actually kissed me. This was silly. It wasn't like I'd never been kissed before. She hadn't even touched my lips... "Wow, she actually did it," Blaine said. "Impressive. So. It's your turn now Ash." Ash looked at me and before she could spout the game phrase, I said, "Truth." She had a mischievous glint in her eye. "If you were homosexual, what actor would you have the hots for?" "Ah, you're evil, girl," I said. "Just evil." I had to think about this one.

"Come on, Kade," Blaine said. "Spill it." "Give me a sec." I didn't go to movies very often and didn't watch TV so I said the first name that popped into my mind. "Ryan Reynolds all the way, baby." "Oooh." Gina clapped. "Nice choice." "Thank you." I gave a bow. "So. Your turn again Gina. Truth, dare, kiss" "Dare." Gina said. I smirked. "You really gotta be careful when you choose a dare with me." "Why?" "Show a nipple to everyone while moaning passionately." Gina's mouth dropped open. She glanced around shyly, then started to moan. She pulled the collar of her sweater and the underlying T-shirt down so her bra was visible. I didn't think she was going to actually do it but then at the last second she yanked the bra down so I could see some of her areola. Abruptly, she released her sweater and the stretched fabric snapped back into place. She stopped moaning. "Hey!" I said. "You didn't show your nipple. Just a piece of areola." Though even that was more than I expected. "The areola is part of the nipple," Gina said. "Didn't you take anatomy in school? And you're lucky I showed you even that much." "She's right," Ash said. "I know I wouldn't have." She sounded a bit like she was scolding Gina, and the blonde woman lowered her gaze. Blaine had kept quiet the whole time, I noticed. He was looking at Gina with a strange light in his eyes. Gina turned toward Blaine. I was pretty sure she was aware of the effect she'd just had on him. "Blaine, when you see a girl, what's the first thing you notice about her?"

Blaine blinked for a few moments and I thought he was trying to get the image of her areola out of his head. "What, I don't get to choose from truth, dare or kiss and the rest anymore?" "We're focusing exclusively on truth because Kade's dares are too racy." "But that's what makes the game so fun," I said. "Well?" Gina kept her eyes on Blaine. "The first thing you notice about a girl?" Blaine rubbed his chin. "Her areola?" Gina beat him playfully with her hand. "Just kidding." Blaine raised his arms defensively. "Probably... her eyes." I could definitely agree with that. Eyes were the hottest things on a girl. It was cliche to think it but they truly were the windows to the souland Ash's eyes were the most incredible windows I'd ever seen. Blaine turned to Ash. "Okay, Ash. Your lover has been transformed into an animal. To turn him back, you need to have sex with him once. Which animal would you choose him to be?" "A falcon," Ash said almost immediately. Gina's eyes widened. My own became pretty big. "A falcon," Blaine chuckled, apparently not noticing the double meaning. "What, you'd stuff its entire body in your vajayjay?" Ash turned crimson in the torchlight. "I mean, no, that's not what I meant. A different animal. A dog, maybe." "Too late," Blaine said. "Your deepest, darkest desires have been revealed. Bird sex. She's into bird sex." I felt like telling Blaine to shut up but I thought it would just make Ash feel even more uncomfortable. I rubbed the tattoo at my neck. Falcons were beautiful animals. That's what she meant. Of course she wasn't implying anything about having sex with me. Of course she wasn't.

Eager to get the heat off Ash, I turned to Gina, who was staring at her thoughtfully. "Who do you think is the most well-endowedme or Blaine?" "Oooh," Gina said. "Good question. I'm going to have to go with you, Kade, just because you're taller." "Taller don't mean longer, baby," Blaine said. More questions were exchanged and as the evening progressed, I learned Ash shaved her vajayjay twice a month, once wore a sexy devil outfit for Halloween, her most embarrassing nickname was Cucumber, and she'd always wanted to have bigger boobs. I shared a few cringe-worthy secrets of my own. I shaved my privates once a week, had dressed as a dominatrix for one Halloween, was once nicknamed Shaggy Dog, and my most embarrassing intimate moment was bringing home a hot chick from a bar and having a bad case of whiskey dick. The chick accused me of being gay and somehow word got around so that the next time I went to the bar a bunch of dudes hit on me. Needless to say, I changed bars. The evening was growing late and I wanted to sleep soon. We agreed on one more round of questions and decided to reverse the order we'd been asking them in. Gina went first. "What's the one thing that's most important in the world to you, Kade?" "What happened to the naughty questions?" Which I actually preferred. A question like this was deeply personal and I'd never shared something like that with anyone before. Well, Momma Jeanne, maybe, but no one else. "Being out here," I said finally, mostly for Ash's benefit. "In the heart of nature. I can be myself and have nothing to prove to anyone. Not out here." I felt exposed emotionally yet I was glad Ash knew this about me. I'd gone and lifted one of those barriers I always put up to keep people from getting close. I turned toward Ash to ask her my question. Her eyes seemed a little moist in the firelight. "Since we're getting all philosophical, I'll ask you this, Ashif you had a time machine, what

moment would you go back to, and what would you change about that moment?" Ash stared at me with wide, shocked eyes. "I" She started to choke up, and grabbed at that lump of jewelry she kept hidden beneath her sweater. "I" Abruptly she stood and dashed into the shadows. Gina was instantly on her feet. She shot me a scowl. "What?" I said. Gina ran after her. I saw Ash's silhouette standing motionless in the dark. Gina embraced her. Ash's body was shuddering and I thought she was crying. "Shit." I rubbed my forehead. "What did I say now? What the hell did I say?" Blaine shrugged. "Beats me. Must be the Kade magic tongue again. You're quite the lady's man, as always." I flipped him the bird and angrily stabbed at the charred wood in the firepit with one of the leftover marshmallow sticks. Blaine retired to the tent. Ash and Gina joined him not long after that. I ignored them, glad they were gone, but a few seconds later I heard the tent flap move and someone ducked outside again. Ash? My heart beat like a drum machine until I realized it was Gina. She sat on the log beside me and spoke in hushed tones. "If you hurt her, Kade, I swear I'll rip you apart. I'll hunt you down and you'll wish you never lived." "Got it." I forced a brief smile. She'd never understand I was more afraid of Ash hurting me. "Good." She gave me her own smile now, one that never met her eyes. "I don't know what the hell I said. I really don't." "And it's better if we leave it at that." Gina got up and ducked into the tent. Sighing, I put out the fire with the water bottles and then felt my way in the dark until I was inside the tent. We'd arranged the sleeping bags end to end, placing them alongside the four walls

of the tent so that the beds formed a square around the supplies in the middle. I groped at my sleeping bag, which was right at the entrance, and when I was sure it was empty, I hopped inside and zippered it up. I lay there a while, feeling guilty. What happened out there with Ash was eating away at me. I felt compelled to say something but I wasn't sure what. "Ash," I finally said into the dark. "Are we good?" The tent was silent. "Ash" "Yes," she said. "I well, I overreact sometimes." "Nah. It was a silly question. I shouldn't have asked it." Though, to be honest, the question didn't really seem all that silly to me. I mean, come on, there were lots of moments I wished I could travel back in time to and take back. The asking of that question, for example. But I didn't say anything. I'd gotten myself in trouble enough tonight. I closed my eyes. The distant howl of a wolf caused my eyelids to shoot right open again. I sensed movement in the tent. "What was that?" Gina was sitting up and so was Ash, their bodies faintly outlined against the tent fabric. "Just a timber wolf," Blaine said. "Shit." Gina's voice sounded panicked and I thought she and Ash might bolt. I rolled onto one side, glad my body was blocking the entrance. "Remember what I said. Wild animals will leave us alone as long as we're together. You have nothing to worry about." "What about bears foraging for food?" Ash said. "You always see that on TV. A family is camping and a bear barges inside the tent while they're asleep." I sighed. "Bears won't bother us, Ash. Trust me. Besides, you have me guarding the

entrance to the tent. That's got to count for something, right?" Finally, me and Blaine convinced the girls to go to sleep. It helped that the wolf call didn't come again. When everything quietened down I found myself lying awake, remembering Ash's kiss. Her lips had felt so soft on my forehead. So wet. I was glad it was pitch black in there because I didn't want anyone to see my throbbing erection. Probably showed right through my sleeping bag. That girl would be the end of me.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Ash
I was the first to wake up. Because of the way we'd laid out the sleeping bags, mine was the farthest from the entrance so I couldn't really get up without disturbing everyone else. So instead, I lay there, waiting, listening to the morning birds. Kade woke a few moments later and he had no problem noisily extracting himself from the tent, waking up Blaine in the process. After Blaine went outside, I secured my hair in a ponytail and prodded Gina. "Rise and shine." Gina moaned, pulling the top of her sleeping bag over her eyes. With a sigh, I stepped over the empty sleeping bags and around the backpacks in the middle of the tent until I was outside. Kade had already started a campfire so I helped him prepare a pot of instant coffee. Once I'd drunk the ambrosia of the gods, I started to feel a little life coming back into me. I offered to cook up the batch of oatmeal Blaine brought out and I had it ready just in time for a bleary-eyed Gina. "Gruel is served," I told her. "Coffee," Gina grunted. "Must have coffee." I poured her a mug and ate my oatmeal. Kade sat beside me, silently eating his own bowl of my top-quality gruel. "So what's the plan for today?" I asked him.

"Think about smoking," he said. "Kade, come on." A hint of humor lit up his eyes, and he chuckled softly. "Right. Okay. The plan. Well, for the next three days we're going to be surveying the nests, among other things. We've got a lot of ground to cover and I'm not sure we'll have time to check them all. Most of the nests are on cliffs. A few in trees. So we'll see." "Trees?" I combed a loose strand of hair from my face. "I thought falcons didn't build actual nests? They choose a site and scrape away the loose soil and sand. You can't do that with a tree." "You can't," Kade agreed. "Which is why they choose trees that have hollows in them." I supposed that made sense. "So what if some of the nests have moved?" "That's what the tracking collars are for." I was enjoying making him talk. I could listen to his voice all morning. "How about the circular drill thingy from last night? What's that for?" "Marshmallow roaster." I rolled my eyes. "What, am I a part of a team of double-o-seven park wardens or something? We have all these secret spy gadgets. Tracking collars, marshmallow roasters..." He returned my smile, his cheeks dimpling in that ever-so-attractive way. "Welcome to the Secret Service, Moneypenny." "Moneypenny? Why do I have to be Moneypenny? A secretary. The only way this is going to work is if I'm your partner in crime." He winked. "I work alone." If only he knew how badly I wanted to be his partner in crime right then. When I'd kissed him last night, even though it'd only been on the forehead, I'd felt that raw tingle of pleasure again and I nearly died from the want. It was like I was discovering everything I'd been missing out on over the past year and a half. I wanted to be loved again in all ways of the word. I really did. But I

couldn't just forget the past even if I felt like jumping Kade every time he looked at me. I rubbed the necklace I kept hidden beneath my shirt. Devon. I couldn't see myself with anybody else, especially not a player. And maybe it was better that way. We spent the next three days doing exactly as Kade said, confirming the locations of each nest, taking pictures, cataloguing the number of eggs, if any. I finally learned what the circular drill was for when we found two trees whose needles had turned completely red. Apparently, there was something called pine beetle disease that was infesting the forests around here. As part of their work as conservation wardens, Kade and Blaine were supposed to tag infected trees for burning. Normally, forest health officers did that, but there weren't enough to cover the vast forests of British Columbia and since Kade and Blaine had the training the center put their skills to use. I watched Kade use the drill to extract several cylindrical "cookies" from the bark of the dying trees and those pines closest to them, but he found no signs of pine beetle larvae. He let me try the saw and I made my own bark cookie, which I pocketed as a souvenir. Blaine and Kade often made fun of me and Gina's strong southern accents, mimicking the way we pronounced our S's on the end of words as Z's, the way we were always "fixin'" to do something, the way we said Florida and Georgia (Flarda and Jawja). Honestly our accents weren't that bad. In the mornings, we ate the oatmeal gruel for breakfast. Lunch was a few soda crackers or that terrible pemmican. At night, we ate two balls of pemmican each and exchanged stories or played party games over the campfire. Sometimes we stargazed because there was no light pollution at all out here. I'd never seen Cassiopeia shine her W so brightly, or the stars of the Little Dipper twinkle so intensely. Then there was Orion, the hunter shooting his bow, a constellation I don't think I'd ever even seen in the south.

All in all, I forgot everything about my past in those moments. I was finally free of my emotional baggage, and felt I was living my life the way it was meant to be livedin the company of good friends, close to nature, making a difference. I don't remember laughing so much in a long time. The bear spray remained tucked away in my backpack, untouched. Momma Jeanne had been right. I was completely safe out here with these two. Blaine was a great guy and I started to look at him as a brother. Kade wasn't so bad either but I still couldn't decide what I felt for him. My body was attractedthere was no doubt therebut my mind kept me distant. The sexual tension seemed to lessen, somehow, during those three days and nights, as if we'd both come to realize we'd never be anything more than just friends. Though that was what I wanted, strangely it made me feel unhappy. By the third night we'd doubled-backed to our original campsite. We were almost out of food and it was time to return. We'd checked all the nests and catalogued all the eggs so that even if Rebecca grounded us for the rest of the summer, we had the data the center needed. The atmosphere around the campfire was subdued. Gina was trying to keep everyone's spirits up but she wasn't doing the best job of it. Kade had returned to his old grumpy self and he only offered short replies to anything anyone said. I hadn't heard him mention the word smoke in three days but tonight he said it every other sentence. I guess I should've been relieved to be going back to the comforts of civilization but to be honest, I felt a little disappointed. It seemed way too soon. I could've stayed out here for the rest of the summer, away from the internet, other people, and problems in general. Despite my misgivings, I slept fitfully that night. Three exhausting days in the wilderness had a way of doing that to you. In the morning, I awoke to heavy pattering on the tent canvas above me. I was freezing. Near the entrance, I saw Kade sitting upright in the twilight alongside Blaine. The flap was unzipped slightly, and the two of them were staring out the small opening.

I crawled forward to join them. Outside, the rain beat down so thickly, I could barely see more than a few feet in any direction. "Everything was so clear last night," Kade said when he noticed me. "We could see the constellations. Damn it all to hell." I had no idea what was bothering him. The tent had a waterproof bottom and so far, the inside seemed untouched by the rain. "Everything seems dry in here." I lifted one of the packs. "Supplies are good." "It's not the supplies I'm worried about." Kade exchanged a look with Blaine. Both their faces were grim. "What is it then?" I wasn't really sure I wanted to hear the answer. "What do you think, Ash? The river." *** We slid on our rainproof jackets, refolded and packed the tent, and began the half-day trek back to the river. The rain alternated between drizzle and all-out downpour so the going was slow. When we finally reached the river, the water was about three times higher than beforewith raging rapids. I couldn't believe it. There was no way we were crossing that. Our little ford was long gone. It turned out Blaine had forgotten to pack spare batteries for the satphone. Needless to say, Kade wasn't too happy when he tried to make a call and couldn't get the thing to turn on. "We could wait it out," I said when Kade and Blaine took a break from accusing each other. The rain had kept up at a light drizzle for the past hour or so and I was hopeful it was going to stop soon. When Kade turned to me, his eyes seemed a little sad. "Storm systems like the one last night usually flood the river all the way to the mountains. The water could take up to three days to return to its usual level."

"Three days?" I said. "How much food do we have again?" "Exactly. No more crackers. Oatmeal's all gone. And we're down to our last three portions of pemmican. That's what, half a meal each?" "But you and Blaine are experienced outdoorsmen. Can't you hunt or something?" "Oh, sure. Maybe we can carve ourselves a few spears with our knives and go get us some fine quality wilderness meat. But tell me something, do you really want to eat roast squirrel every day for the next three days?" I exchanged a disgusted look with Gina and we both mouthed, "Ewww." Kade was studying the raging rapids."I can swim it," he said abruptly. Suddenly, I felt scared. No one could swim a river like that. I didn't want Kade to even try. Blaine shook his head. "Too dangerous." "I can do it. Tie a rope around my waist. I'll take it to the other side and make us a zipline." He looked at me, his eyes almost pleading. "I can do this." My eyes pleaded "No" right back. I didn't want to lose him. Not so soon. Not when I was still trying to figure out my feelings for him. Blaine crossed his arms. "I won't let you do it, Kade. That water's gotta be close to zero degrees. Even if you get across, you'll have hypothermia." "The Jeep's not far." Kade was already sitting on the bank. He took off his boots and socks and stepped into the water. The river surged around his feet. "Get me the rope." Blaine didn't listen. Instead, he shouted above the gushing water. "The river's too powerful, Kade." Kade didn't move for the longest time. He just stared across the floodwater as if he could somehow will the river to calm. Finally, he climbed up the bank. His shoulders were slumped. "Current's too strong." He dried his feet and pulled on his socks and boots. "There's nothing we can do. We're stuck here."

"What about that drill of yours?" I said, wanting to be useful. "What about it?" "Could we use it like an ax and knock down one of the trees? Form a bridge?" Kade glanced at Blaine. He pressed his lips together. "That might actually work. Though we'd have to find a place where the water's narrower. The trees aren't tall enough to bridge the river here." We walked upstream to the site of the swept-away bridge, where the opposite shore was far closer. By the time we made it there, the rain had finally stopped. "This one." Kade patted the trunk of a pine that towered three stories above us. He threw off his pack and retrieved the circular saw. "The trick is to create a wedge so we can control where it falls." "I've seen beavers on TV, Kade," I said dryly. "Lesbian." He smirked. I rolled my eyes. Blaine went with him under the tree. "Stay back, ladies." Kade applied the drill, taking out circular chunks of the tree near the base. It was hard going. The tree was wet and wood chips kept clumping on either side of the drill. He had to use a pocketknife to scoop away the debris. Kade also had to keep repositioning the drill to maintain the wedge shape he was aiming for and Blaine helped by watching from the side and shouting the occasional instruction. The trunk was about two feet in diameter so it took a lot of time. Finally, I heard the characteristic crack of breaking wood. "Back, back, back!" Kade and Blaine hurried from the tree. The tree bent sideways and fell, bridging the river with a few feet to spare. Kade shot me a triumphant smile. "One tree bridge, as ordered!" I stared at the new "bridge." The closest section of the trunk was completely bare of

branches and proved the thickest part of tree. Farther on, the branches shot out in random directions, broad at first but narrower near the top of the tree. While it would be hard to cross those branches, I thought the first section where the trunk was bare would be the most treacherous. It looked slippery, and without any branches for handholds, it would be all too easy to fall. "I'm not sure this is the greatest idea anymore," I said. "Yeah, well, it was your idea," Kade said. "What choice do we have, anyway? You want to sit out here for the next three days, starving? Or do you want to get out of here?" He turned around to survey the crossing. "I'll go first and set up a rope railing." I stared at the fallen tree and the raging water below. "I don't know if I can do this, even with a rope." "Ash..." Gina looked at me with wide eyes. "We can do this. It'll be like the rope bridge in The Smoky Mountains. It's not like we're wearing pumps or anything." I looked at the raging water, saying nothing. Gina squeezed her hands around my shoulders. "Ash. Baby. Just pretend you're in gymnastics class again. Training on the balance bar." "I never took gymnastics," I said. She smiled. "I know. But all I'm saying is believe in yourself. Because I believe in you." Kade stepped forward. "We all believe in you." His eyes somehow imparted strength. Confidence. "Wait until I have the rope set up before you make up your mind. And if you still think you can't do it, I'll come back and get you." "Well that's reassuring." I tried to make my tone sarcastic, but the trembling in my voice betrayed my fear and Kade laid a hand on my shoulder. "Ash, trust me." Kade secured a rope around his waist and he tied the other end to the stump of the fallen tree. As he pulled himself onto the trunk, I had a sudden premonition of disaster.

"Kade!" I hadn't meant for my voice to come out so panicky. He glanced back, seeming puzzled. I swallowed. "Be careful." Gina and Blaine were giving me curious looks but I didn't care. Kade nodded slowly, then he edged onto the bare bark, his arms extended for balance, the rope trailing along behind him. About halfway to the first branch, he leaned sideways a bit too far and for a moment I thought he was going to fall into the river. Somehow, he recovered and continued on. My heart pounded in my chest and I was tense the entire time. When he finally wrapped his fingers around the first branch, I let out a small, relieved breath. He edged forward, squeezed between it and the next branch, breaking off smaller pieces so we'd be able to cross more easily after him. The third branch stood right in his path and he swiveled around it in a kind of pirouette. He continued that way across the tree, stepping over, between, and around the branches. I observed nervously, bouncing on my tiptoes, chewing on my nails. I forced myself to stop the nail chewing when I noticed it but there was nothing I could do about the toe bouncing. Kade moved more carefully as the trunk narrowed near the end. When he finally leaped onto the far side and pumped a fist into the air, my shoulders slumped in relief. Blaine and Gina cheered. He gave a thumbs-up signal, which I thought was meant just for me, and he flashed that dimpled smile of his. I laughed almost hysterically, trying hard not to break into tears. Across the river, Kade untied the rope from his waist and secured it to a tree that was in line with the fallen pine. We now had a slanting handrail across the entire length of the tree bridge. At Blaine's urging, Gina went next. Gripping the rope with one hand and, using her other arm for balance, she slowly made her way across. She reached the first branches and squeezed through, then did the same pirouette as Kade around the next branch. She continued onward, her

backpack snagging on the occasional branch, but she persevered. After a few tense moments, it was overGina jumped down to the other side and gave Kade a hug. "You're next, Ash," Blaine said. I was petrified. "You go first." Blaine shook his head. "Ash. You have to go." "Can't we cross together?" I looked at him hopefully. "If we lose our balance at the same time, the rope won't hold our combined weight. Come on, Kade and Gina are waiting. Show us what you're made of." "Then go. I'll come right after you, promise." When he still didn't move, I added, "If I don't go, you can send Kade back here to get me. He'll like that." I grinned halfheartedly. Blaine threw up his hands and stomped onto the trunk. I guess he was trying to show me how easy it was because he casually marched along the bark, not even bothering with the rope handrail. That is, until he nearly slipped, at which point he clutched the rope like a champ. Still, to his credit, he reached the opposite bank in no time at all. On the other side, he and Kade seemed to be arguing, with Kade repeatedly pointing across at me. I couldn't hear a word above the noise of the river. He was mad Blaine hadn't waited for me to go first, probably. Kade eventually threw up his arms and beckoned for me to cross. I took a deep breath. I could do this. I wouldn't make Kade come back to get meI didn't want him to risk the crossing again. He was watching me. I'd show him what I was made of. Grabbing the rope, I pulled myself onto the trunk and stood in place until I was sure of my balance. The bark was slippery. I considered just sitting down and leg-hugging the trunk to the first branches but that would probably be hard on the inner thighs and would definitely ruin my pants. I doubted I'd be any safer, anyway.

I gripped the rope with both hands and pulled myself along. I tried not to look at the roiling water. I concentrated on the tree bark just below, placing one foot in front of the other. One foot. The other. When I reached the first set of branches, I exhaled loudly. The hard part was done. At least if I fell now, there'd be something to hold on to. Keeping both hands firmly on the rope, I squeezed through the first two branches. Next came the branch that blocked the path, the one I'd have to pirouette around. I swiveled, putting pressure on the rope, praying it would hold. I swung my leg past and found a foothold. Pine needles scraped my face. I brought my other leg around. Done. I stood firmly on the tree again. The next branch blocked my path, too, but there was a lower bough I could use as a foothold. The rope ran along the far side of the blockage so I'd have to let go like I saw Blaine and Gina do. I released the rope and stepped onto the lower bough, keenly aware of the water raging past below. I put one foot back on the main trunk and pushed up, reaching for the rope. I didn't make it. I heard a sharp crack as the bough beneath my feet decided to break. I was swallowed up by the icy cold blackness of the river. Holy shit, it was cold. That was my first thought. My second was that I was going to die. And a part of me almost wanted to give in at that point and just let the river take me. I wouldn't have to face the world anymore. Wouldn't be forced to complete a degree I hated. Wouldn't have to live up to expectations I couldn't meet. Wouldn't have to live with the guilt of what happened to my fianc. It'd be the end of all pain.

But another part of me sure as heck wasn't ready to diethe part that was normally hidden away deep inside me and waiting for the right moment to surface and kick some ass. The fighter inside me who wanted to show the world that life couldn't push me around and that I'd fight to the bitter end. I kicked with all the strength I had and my head splashed to the surface. I inhaled a huge gulp of air. A trough in the river pulled me under again almost immediately. The cold engulfed my head. I surfaced a few seconds later, blinked the water away, and tried to get my bearings. I was moving downstream. Fast. The shore on either side was a blur. I tried to kick my feet and swim toward that shore, but I couldn't move from the middle of the river. The current had me locked in a firm grip and there was nowhere I could go except straight downriver. As I bobbed in place, helpless within that unyielding flow, struggling for life, I was vaguely aware of the frigid numbness seeping into me. I could barely feel my hands, lips and nose. I had to get out of the freezing water, and soon. I tried the backstroke. Front stroke. The overhand stroke. Nothing worked. The current was too powerful. The banks continued to speed by in a blur and I couldn't do a thing. Something kept pulling me down. I thought it was the current at first but then I realized I was still wearing my backpack. I quickly slid the straps off my shoulders. The pack's weight vanished and I shot right up. The sense of lightness didn't last for long, though, and I started to sink again, despite my attempts to tread water. I began to feel extremely tired. I needed a rest. I stopped fighting the current for two seconds. I just wanted to take a little break. Two seconds became five. Five, ten. My eyelids started to droop. Ash, close your eyes and you die. I forced my eyes open. My lids started to drift down again almost right away.

Stay awake! But I couldn't. I was losing my hold on the world. Just as I started to drift off for good, just as I'd finally given in to my fate and the abandonment of all pain, a strong arm wrapped around my chest and pulled me back to the world. Kade. His arm kept me pinned to his chest and he held me above the water. He pushed me against the small log he held and I gripped it. I knew he was scissor-kicking because I felt one of his legs rub against mine. I joined him, kicking weakly. I kept my eyes on salvationthe far bank. It seemed to be growing closer. Was that some near-death illusion? Or was Kade actually making headway against the current? I kicked harder. Kade had come back for me. I wasn't going to let him down. I wasn't going to die. Yes, we were getting closer. I kicked and kicked, the fighter in me rising to the occasion. As the shore grew near, elation mixed with exhaustion inside me. We were actually going to make it. I couldn't believe it. When we were almost at the bank, I felt my feet hit the rocky riverbed. Kade must have felt it, too, because he stumbled upright and pulled me ashore. Then he collapsed beside me. The two of us lay there on the bank, panting, shivering. "K-Kade," I said. You saved me. You came back for me. "Kade." I could only say his name. "Got you." His voice was a whisper. I felt his trembling hand wrap around my palm. I wasn't sure if he was being tender or something else. The usual spark I felt when he touched me wasn't there. In fact, I barely felt his hand at all. "Too c-cold," Kade said, shivering. He stood and helped me climb farther up the bank. When we reached the forest edge, he turned toward me. "Strip down."

"What?" "Strip down. We have to share body heat." I shook my head. "Too intimate." His arms were crossed and his corded muscles shook from the cold. "Do you want to die from hypothermia?" He turned around and I watched him strip to his tight white briefs. I'd never seen his bare legs before but his thighs were striated and reminded me of a bodybuilder's. On his back I saw a previously hidden tattooit looked like the ocean view from the cliffs I saw that first evening out here, complete with the rays of the setting sun reflecting from the waves. He turned toward me. Under other circumstances, I probably would've been utterly aroused by the sight of that chiseled torso and those perfectly sculpted abs. I didn't think such a thing as an eight-pack even existed. Gosh. There was one more tattoo I hadn't seen before: a lion inked just above his heart. "You see my abs, Ash?" My breath caught in my throat but I managed a nod. Of course I see your abs. He had to show off even now of all times? "I have almost no body fat," Kade continued. "If you don't let me hold you, I'm seriously going to freeze to death." He knelt beside me, crossing his arms. "If you don't want to take off your clothes you don't have to." I hugged myself like he was doing but it did nothing to warm me. "I don't want to take my clothes off." "Just take them off!" I would have laughed if I wasn't so cold. "You just told me I didn't have to take them off." "I did. But I changed my mind. Because then only I'd benefit. Your f-freezing too. And I'm

bossy like that. So do it." He was right. These clothes were seeping the life from me. I stripped down reluctantly. First the rain jacket. Then the sweater and shirt. The boots. The jeans. I wrung out the water from each piece and set them out to dry besides Kade's own clothes. I was left with nothing but my bra and panties and the ring I always wore on the chain around my neck. I felt Kade's eyes on me and I covered the ring with one hand. "What are you looking at?" I said, my teeth chattering. "I'm looking at you." He lay down near one of the pines and beckoned me close with trembling hands. Freezing, I lowered myself down beside him and then rolled into him in a huff. "Whoa, slow down there, sailor," Kade said. I felt the warmth as he wrapped his arms around me. My breasts, shielded by the thinnest layer of fabric, pressed into his pecs. Our heads lay side by side and my ear rested on his. His powerful chest moved in and out, alternately pressing into and receding from my body. I could feel the heat of his breath against my neck. I could hear his every inhalation and exhalation. If ever there was an intimate moment, it was this. I was warming up in more ways than one. The ring at my neck dangled over his shoulder, and as my shivering subsided, I squeezed my hand around the precious piece of jewelry. The metal comforted and grounded me, reminding me of what I had lost and why I could never be with Kade, even though I was in his arms at this very moment. "When did it happen?" Kade's voice was soft and even without any hint of mockery. He knew. Somehow he knew. Kade could see right through me. I took a deep breath, glad he couldn't see my face. "About a year and a half ago." I stared into the forest, watching the rain weep from the pines. "Drunk driver on New Year's Eve. Devon died two days later."

I thought his arms stiffened a little around me. "That's terrible, Ash." I nodded. The pain had faded over time but it still hurt deep inside. I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him more. I'd only ever talked about this with Gina, my folks and the therapists. Definitely hadn't said a word to another guy. Somehow, though, I felt I could trust Kade with this. He seemed to know me better than myself at times. "We started dating in high school. We were together three years. Do you know what it's like to be with someone that long? We were so in love. It was like part of him existed inside me even when we were apart, which was never for long. We did everything together. Everything." I stared at my hand. The hand that had once held Devon's in mine. The hand he had kissed, the finger he had slid my engagement ring onto. "He proposed a little after our third anniversary, on Christmas Eve. He was only my fianc for a week. Seven whole days." My eyes lost focus and I was in another time, another place. A sad time. A sad place. "It was my fault. I insisted on having our engagement party on New Year's Eve. The drunkest night of the year. He'd gone out to get me a bottle of White Gold because I'd forgotten to pick one up. He didn't have to go, but I wanted everything to be perfect. White Gold was our drink. I had to have it. I... it was just a stupid drink." I scrubbed a palm over my face, fighting the knot in my throat that threatened to choke me. "He never made it to the store." I closed my eyes. "I felt so guilty because we'd been fighting almost every day that week. Mostly about the wedding. How big it was going to be. When we were going to have it. I never had the chance to apologize. Do you know what that's like?" For some reason I was smiling, but it felt so wrong on my face. "I was in the deepest slump of my life for months after that. Utterly depressed. It was only Gina who got me out. Gina who saved me. I owe her everything." When I finished, neither of us said anything for a long time. Kade broke the silence. "I'm really sorry." His voice sounded so gentle. I was worried he'd do the "It's not your fault" monologue everyone else I ever told this to did. Because it was my fault.

Devon wouldn't have been on the road alone that night if it weren't for me. He would've caught a ride with his folks. Thankfully, Kade didn't say a word. That was when I noticed his erection pressed against my inner thigh. Heat seemed to radiate outward from that point. I felt myself getting turned on. It was only natural when you put two bodies, male and female, so close to one another that those bodies would become aroused. Still, I was embarrassed, especially after what I'd just told him. "I think we're warm enough." I pushed off him and instantly regretted it. My upper body felt so cold but I wasn't going back into that embrace because if I did I might never let go. I felt the clothes beside me. "Still wet." "What did you expect?" Kade went to the nearby pine and shook the branch, trying to get rid of as much trapped rainwater as he could. Then he grabbed our clothes and started to hang them on the branch one by one. I crossed my arms and hopped from foot to foot, hoping I wouldn't start shivering again. I'd warmed up enough to get my modesty back and I felt exposed, standing there beside him like this. My pits were unshaved. And my legs, too, but a quick glance told me it wasn't all that noticeable. Kade must have sensed my unease because he seemed to be doing his best to avoid looking at me while hanging the clothes. I realized something. He'd just saved my life and I hadn't said... "Thank you." He was adjusting my pants on the tree branch and glanced over his shoulder. "You're welcome. But hanging clothes is pretty easy." I smiled patiently. "No. I meant thanks for back there. For saving me." Kade nodded. "Ah. Welcome. You'd have done it for me, or anyone else for that matter. It's the right thing to do."

"It is." I didn't like how he made it sound like he'd do it for just anyone. I guess I had a little fantasy that he'd swum out into the river because he actually cared about me. "Do you still have the GPS?" I asked him. It felt a little silly to me, having a conversation when we were both in our underwear. He still had a massive erection in his briefs and I was very careful not to look at it. Didn't want to give him any ideas. My eyes kept darting back to his pants against my control, though, so I finally had to turn right around. "It was in my backpack." Kade's voice sounded amused. Had he noticed me staring at his crotch? God, I hoped not. "And I lost the backpack in the river. But we don't need it. If we follow the shore we'll eventually reach the pine bridge again." "How far do you think we've been dragged?" "My best guess?" "Sure." I frowned. He was delaying. Delaying usually meant bad news. "Judging from the water's speed, I'd say we've been pulled downriver about twenty miles, give or take five in either direction." "Twenty miles!" I said, turning around to look at him. I kept my eyes far from his crotch. "We have to walk twenty miles to get back?" Kade just shrugged. There was something else I wanted to point out. "We're also on the wrong shore. At least you could've swam us to the side with the Jeep." "Ash, come on, you know that's a little harsh. Just be happy we made it to the bank in one piece." I was happy. I really was. Just not thrilled by our circumstances. "Great. Just great." I thought of something. "Blaine and Gina will meet us on the way back right? Maybe in the Jeep?" Kade shook his head. "They'll have to walk. No riverside roads here. Blaine will only cover three or four miles before he heads back. As far as he's concerned, we could've been swept out all

the way to the sea. He doesn't have enough supplies for a search like that. The best move on his part would be to drive back to the center and call in a chopper. It can cover more ground, faster." "And how long will that take?" "A day, maybe two." I didn't like it. Stuck in the woods for one or two days alone with Kade? Not that it was him I was worried about. He wasn't a bad guy once you got to know him. We'd talked a lot these past few days and I knew the woods brought out the best in him and that he truly felt at home here and he'd never hurt me. If anyone could get me through two days in the woods without food, it was Kade. No, it wasn't him I was worried about but myself. My eyes drifted to his erection. Yup, this was going to be an interesting few days. "Okay, well, let's get started." I went to the clothes. They were still damp but I knew that the best way to stay warm was to keep moving. "The clothes will just have to dry while we wear them." I pulled on my wet shirt, cringing at the cold. Next came the socks and pants. I felt less exposed now that the ring at my neck was covered up. I guess it helped that I wasn't dressed in just my bra and panties anymore, too. I folded the sweater up to carry it while we walked and I threw the rain jacket across the crook of my arm. I tied on my soggy boots. Those felt squishy and gross inside. Kade was already dressed by the time I was done. At least I didn't have to look at his erection anymore. I have to admit I kind of missed the sight. I felt my cheeks reddening just thinking about it. "Well," Kade said. "We're a bit soggy but none the worse for wear. Let's go." We began the long march back, keeping a good distance from the bank. The insides of my boots sloshed with each step. Yup, gross. "Seriously, thanks for saving me," I said. Just in case he didn't get what I was trying to say

earlier. Kade frowned. "Don't read too much into it." "I won't." Oh, he got it all right. And he didn't care. It felt like he struck me. But why should it matter? I didn't want to get with him. I didn't want him to care about me. The sky remained overcast and threatened another storm. My body heat combined with the slight breeze to dry my clothes so I didn't feel wet after a while, which was nice. The boots still felt squishy, though. After about half an hour we found one of the abandoned backpacksit had been snagged by debris along shore. Kade fished out the pack and laid out the contents. Turned out it was his, which meant we had a tent again. The coil of spare rope was intact, as well as a few coffee mugs, but the water had ruined the GPS and the digital camera. His waterlogged drill was equally useless. There was no bear spray, which was in Blaine's backpack. My own bear spray had been lost in the river. I wasn't worried about protecting myself from Kade but rather actual bears. Kade squeezed out the excess water from his sleeping bag and spare clothes and then pitched the tent. We let everything air dry for a few minutes before repacking it all and setting out again. Kade led at a brisk pace. I widened my stride but the past three days of walking had taken a toll and I had to hustle to keep up. My calves ached and not for the first time, I wished I'd been born with longer legs. The ground began to get steeper and soon we were hiking along a ravine. The swollen river tore past around thirty feet below. "I know exactly where we are." Kade didn't seem too happy, for some reason. "What's wrong?" "Nothing. We're just a bit farther than I thought we were." I crossed my arms. "Farther? Like how far?"

"We probably won't make it back to the tree bridge until early tomorrow." I rubbed my neck. "Great." Kade took off his pack and set it on the ground to sit on. "This is as good a spot as any for a rest." It began to rain again, though it was just a light drizzle. "Wonderful." I pulled on my hood. I stepped closer to the edge of the ravine and looked down the steep bank at the rushing water below. "What happens when we get to the bridge? We cross the fallen pine again?" I wasn't looking forward to repeating that. "With luck, we'll have rescue workers standing by when we get there. Hey, careful, Ash. The banks are unstable. They've been undercut by the river." I turned and saw Kade coming closer to me. "Undercut? It looks" The wet soil and gravel I'd been standing on suddenly shifted and the world fell away beneath me. I felt Kade's strong arms pull me away even as the ground collapsed. I stumbled and fell backward but most of my body hit solid ground. My legs were left kicking out into empty air. I scrambled onto the stable earth, my heart pounding in my chest, my breath coming in gasps. Kade had saved my life yet again. I twisted around to thank him. Except he wasn't there. The only sign of him was the backpack he'd left perched on the grass in the rain. "Kade?" No answer. "Kade!" I glanced at the edge of the ravine. I couldn't see the bottom from here and I dreaded what I'd find when I looked over. Maybe he had a broken neck. Maybe he was impaled on something. Maybe he was completely buried and I wouldn't see him at all. "No. No, no, no." It was my fault. All my fault. Again. I finally got hold of my emotions and carefully crept to the new boundary of the ravine.

Below, a jumble of dirt and rocks, some of them large enough to be called boulders, showed the extent of the slide. It formed a kind of peninsula out into the river. The loose dirt near the tip was quickly being picked up and carried downstream by the current. I spotted Kade close to the bank. He was half buried in the slide. He lay on his back, unmoving. "Kade!" I called out. Thinking fast, I quickly hurried over to the backpack he'd left on the ground and pawed through the contents. Finally, I found the coil of rope I was looking for. I looped it around a tree, tying it with my best Girl Scout's knot, and wrapped the loose end around my waist. Carefully, I rappelled over the edge, half sliding, half running the slippery, 45-degree angle slope. I skidded to a stop next to Kade and dropped to my knees in the mud. The rain fell around me like tears as I cradled his head in my hands. I dropped my forehead to his. I couldn't see anymore. My eyes were too blurry. "Kade. What have I done? I'm so sorry." My fault. Again. No. I was letting the despair take over. I had to think. I heard the subtle exhalation of his breath. It was weak but he was alive. I checked his pulse. His heart rate seemed normal. Most of his upper body was free and nothing seemed obviously hurt or broken at first glance. I was more concerned about any injuries that might be hidden by the dirt, which buried him to the waist. I checked his head for signs of concussion and I found a small lump. I hoped he hadn't hit his head too badly but it'd be hard to say for sure until he woke up. If he woke up. Shaking my head to clear away the dark thoughts, I started digging him free. Relief welled up in my chest when I realized he was covered mostly in a thin layer of soil and gravel, nothing I'd have trouble removing. After only a minute, I felt the scrape of denim under my hands and soon I had one of his legs free of the mess.

The rain picked up, making it hard to see, but as I cleared more of the debris, a growing feeling of unease grew in my gut. Sure enough, when I unearthed his other leg, I found something that wasn't right. His pant leg bulged sickly around the knee, as if the entire area were swelling up inside. I felt queasy even though I couldn't see how bad the injury was through his jeans. I sat back for a minute, glancing up the slope, trying to decide what I should do. I kept imagining the terrible pain Kade would be in when he finally woke up and I couldn't think clearly. I wave of heat flashed through me and I dry heaved. I swallowed a few times, steeling myself, and forced myself to look at him. Kade. My poor Kade. I'm sorry. I closed my eyes as the tears welled. He saved me and now he was going to die. Get it together, Ash! You're a premed student, for crying out loud! The fighter in me refused to admit defeat. Kade was going to get through this. I was going to make sure of it. He just had a small injury on his knee. Nothing life-threatening. I decided there was nothing I could do to treat him while he lay on the slope. The rain was turning the mud into a slurry around me. Who could say whether there'd be another mudslide, one that would bury him entirely and me along with it? I had to get him out of there. I was equally aware of the roar of the raging river just behind me. Those waters were waiting for me to make a mistake, all too eager to sweep me and Kade away. The river seemed to be growing even more violent with the passing moments, no thanks to the fresh rain. Untying the rope from my waist, I coiled it under Kade's armpits and secured it to his chest. There was a chance I'd make his injuries worse by moving him but I didn't have any choice. The slope was just too dangerous. I used the rope as a handrail to scale the slippery bank and then I went to the backpack and

fished out the heavy work gloves. I put those on, grabbed the rope, and positioned myself a little downstream to lessen the angle of the slope I'd be dragging Kade across. At first I thought he really wasn't all that heavy because the bank took most of his weight. And the muddy surface certainly helped, making it easier to slide him along. All those toning exercises I did in the gym were finally paying off. But soon enough, my arms started to get sore. When I had him halfway up the slope, I was forced to rest. I slid the rope beneath my bum and sat on it. After a few quick breaths, I started up again. Hand over hand, I slowly drew him up the bank. I was glad he was unconscious because the way the bank pressed into his knee with each jerk of the rope looked painful. It seemed like an eternity before his dark hair slipped onto the grass beside me. When I finally heaved him completely onto the solid ground, I released the rope and gave a sob of relief. I don't think my hands and arms ever ached so much. So much for the gym paying off... When I'd caught my breath and the burning in my arms had faded to a dull ache, I grabbed Kade by the jacket and dragged him farther from the bank. I kept going until I had him under the shelter of a pine. I checked his pulse. I might have been imagining it but his heart rate seemed stronger. I thought his breath was a little more forceful, too. I fetched the backpack and pitched the tent under the pine. The rain lessened just as I was pulling him inside the tent, which made me kind of mad. I looked at the sky before going in and said, "You could've turned that off earlier, don't you think?" In the tent, I stripped off Kade's jacket and shirt. This was no time for blushing or modesty. Kade needed me. My eyes constantly flicked to his face, hoping to find those bottomless, sea-green eyes gazing up at me. I checked his chest and arms for injuries. Everything seemed fine, though I discovered scars I hadn't noticed before hidden beneath the tattoos. It was like the ink was meant to

cover them. Some of the marks seemed from fightsjagged, puckering scars that could be from broken glasswhile others were definitely talon marks. My hand went to his chest and I traced the lion's head above his heart with a light fingertip, running my hand up to the falcon that hugged his neck. Those two tattoos summed him up. His lion heart made him save my life not once, but twice, without thinking about his own safety. And the falcon represented who he was deep inside, soaring free on the wind, held back by no one. A man who, once he fell in love, would love for life. Kade's muffled groan made me jerk my hand away. I glanced at his face. His eyeshis sweet, emerald eyeswere open, if only a notch, and his poor face was twisted in a grimace of pain. His breath came in soft hisses between gritted teeth. "Kade!" I said. "What the hell happened?" he said. "Nothing. Everything." I lowered my eyes. "You saved me again." "I don't remember." I suppressed a sudden panic. "What's your full name?" "God, my head is killing me." He tried to sit up but his lips contorted in agony. "I take that back. My leg is killing me." I pressed a hand to his chest and held him down. "Your name, please?" "Funny," he rasped. "You just said my name, you know that, right?" "Tell me your full name." My voice rose slightly and I met his eyes with what I hoped was a stern expression. I had to be strong now. He needed me. Kade let his head sink down and he closed his eyes. "Kade Eli Gyllenhahl." He couldn't mask the pain in his voice. "When I said I don't remember, I meant what happened. You were standing at the edge of the ravine. I was walking to you. Next thing I know I wake up here with my leg on fire and my head splitting open."

"You pulled me away from the ledge," I said quietly. "Saved my life. Again." His sea-green eyes flickered open. "That sounds like something I'd do." There was passion in those eyes mixed with the pain. I smiled and pressed my hand down on his heart. "Yes." I pulled my hand away because I felt that electricity passing between us. Now was not the time for such feelings. I held up two fingers. "Tell me how many fingers I'm holding up." He blinked once, letting his head sink back down. The passion left his eyes completely, leaving only pain. It broke my heart to see him this way, knowing I'd caused most of it. Why did I have to hurt the people I cared about most? "Kade, you didn't say how many fingers" "Two," he snapped. "Happy?" "Almost. Keep talking to me." He forced a smile. "Sure. You know what I really need right now?" "A smoke?" "No. A blow job." It was my turn to force a smile. "You're going to be okay, after all." "Yeah. Well if you can't give me a blow job, that smoke would make a good second choice right about now." "I know, Kade. I know." I reached for his belt buckle, knowing I had to examine the wound in his leg more carefully. I was almost afraid of what I would find. His hands feebly batted me away. "What are you doing? I was just joking about the blow job. Sort of." "Kade, I have to check your leg. I'm in premed, remember? I know what I'm doing." "Of course," he said sarcastically. "Premed is the same thing as being a full-blown practitioner. I'm a doctor, Jim, not an intern!"

"Kade." I looked at him crossly. "Will you just let me get in your pants?" "Well, when you put it that way..." He let his hands drift to the side. I pulled his belt free and worked open the muddy jeans. In an emergency room setting, I'd just rip them off but I had nothing to cut the pants with out here. He started to shift his hips slightly to help me drag the pants down but then he gave a sharp cry and fell flat again. I realized I hadn't removed his boots yet so I pulled them off before working on the jeans again. His lips were pressed together so tightly. Poor Kade. He was doing his best to muffle the pained noises he was making. I could only imagine how much agony he was in. I tried to be as gentle as possible with him but the swelling in his knee made it hard to slide the jeans down. Kade moaned and wheezed the entire time. "You're so strong, Kade," I said, trying to distract him. "Not even shedding a single tear." I glanced at his face and saw that his cheeks were actually glistening with tears. I felt terrible for what I'd just said because I didn't want him to feel weak. He wasn't. Finally I got the jeans past the knee and I stopped, hissing softly. Kade noticed, because after wheezing a few times, he said, "That bad?" His voice sounded tight. He tried to prop himself up to get a look but with a wince and a painful-sounding grunt, he collapsed. "Better than I expected, actually," I said. At school, I'd dissected dogfish sharks and sat in on a human cadaver dissection so I was prepared for whatever awaited me under those jeans. Or so I'd thought. It seemed worse somehow, knowing that this injury was affecting someone I cared about. Kade had been so perfect and now this... "Guess I won't be doing any squats at the gym for a while, eh?" he said. I finished sliding his pants the rest of the way off, which was easy, now that there wasn't a swollen knee in the way. Kade was left wearing only his white briefs.

"You know that there's a pocketknife in the backpack, right?" Kade muttered as I set his jeans aside. I frowned, feeling bad that I'd caused him unnecessary pain by dragging the pants off instead of cutting them. "You could have told me that before." "Yeah. Just remembered." On second thought, cutting away denim with a pocketknife probably wouldn't have been the easiest job in the world, anyway. I ran my hands along his muscular thigh and calf, checking the area around the grapefruitsized knee. Since no bones broke the skin, I pressed into the muscles above and below the injury, biting my lips as he groaned and hissed. I explored all the way to his hip and down to just above his ankle but it seemed like nothing around the knee was broken. The knee itself was twisted and dislocated, I thought, although it was hard to tell with all the swelling. I touched the outer side of his knee, where the patella usually slid during a dislocation, and he howled in pain. "Fuck off bitch!" he snapped. I jerked my hands away. "Sorry," he gasped, and he sounded like he meant it. "Ash. Sorry." I nodded distractedly. I knew it was only the pain that had caused him to snap. I reached down to explore his ankle, which was also a bit swollen. He panted louder but didn't swear at me this time. The ankle wasn't broken, then. Just twisted, probably. "So. Bet you've just been waiting for a chance to get into my pants." His voice was strained and his smile seemed forced. I sat back on my heels. "Where's the first aid kit?" I reached toward the backpack. He swallowed and I watched his Adam's apple bob up and down, twitching the eye of the falcon tattoo. "Big pocket...bottom front." His instructions led me straight to the orange and white kit. I opened it and dug through the

dressings, gloves, and masks. There were some triangular bandages, which would prove useful. Beneath them, I found a non-prescription bottle of Ibuprofen, filled with 400 milligram tablets. The legal, over-the-counter limit was 200 milligrams in the States. I guess Canadians liked their painkillers strong. I tipped one into my hand and wondered if that would be enough. To heck with itI handed Kade two painkillers, along with the canteen. "Does it hurt when you breathe?" I said after he swallowed the pills. "Everywhere," he responded sharply. "Specifically in your chest?" His brows knit together uncertainly, then he took a slow, controlled breath. "It hurts a little here." He touched his side. "The ribs don't feel broken. Probably bruised." I tilted my head doubtfully, scraping a wet strand of hair from my eyes. "You've had broken ribs before, then?" There was a moment of hesitation before he spoke. "I might've done some stupid shit a time or two." Faint amusement broke through the mask of pain. "Though I'm sure I didn't do anything you wouldn't have done." I ran my hands over his chest and prodded his ribs, confirming his self-assessment. I did my best to ignore those eight-pack abs. Come on, Ash, be professional! I returned my attention to the purple, swollen mass that was his knee. "So what's the verdict?" he said. "Your leg's badly twisted. The knee's probably dislocated and your ankle isn't in great shape, either. You have a small bump on your head but I don't think it's a concussion. And you have bruised ribs, like you said." "Yeah, well, the knee's all that concerns me. Hurts like a bitch. I can feel it throbbing just

lying here." "You have what's called a patella dislocation, I think. It's where the kneecap has slipped out of alignment to the side of the leg." "Sounds pretty gross." I ignored the comment but he was exactly right. You never told patients things like that, though. "I could try to relocate the kneecap but since I'm not a doctor and I've never done anything like that before, I'd probably make it worse. The good news is ninety percent of kneecap dislocations return to the groove on their own, but even if that happens, you still can't walk on it because of torn ligaments." "So," Kade said. "Moral of the storywe're totally and unequivocally screwed. At least as far as getting back to the bridge goes." "You'll be able to walk once I'm done with you, I hope. It'll hurt, though." He grinned sarcastically. "What's a little pain, right?" I turned toward the pack. "Pocketknife?" "Second compartment on the right. You're going to operate on me now?" He said it as if he were joking, but there was definitely an undertone of fear in his voice. "Of course not Kade." I retrieved the pocketknife and opened the tent flap to go out. "Wait!" Kade said. "Where are you going?" "I'll only be gone a few minutes. There's something I need to do." I went out and searched the nearby pines until I found a suitable branch. I sat on it, bobbing up and down and sawing with the knife until the branch broke away and then I cut off the extraneous limbs. Perfect. I now had a stick that reached from my heel to the middle of my thigh. I guess I could have used one of the tent poles for what I wanted but then we would've lost our only shelter. "You came back," Kade said when I ducked inside.

I frowned. "You make it sound like you thought I wouldn't." "Maybe that's what I hoped." "Why on earth would you hope that?" Kade closed his eyes. "Never mind." "Those Ibuprofens kicking in yet?" "Nope," Kade shifted slightly and gritted his teeth. "Leg still hurts like a bitch." "Well it's going to hurt more in a second. I'm going to try and straighten your leg as much as possible and then immobilize it. I don't want the knee getting any worse. As I said, it might pop back into place by itself along the way, though I'm not sure if that would be good or bad, painwise." "Probably bad, I think." I agreed but didn't say anything. I gave him two more Ibuprofens and then positioned the long wooden splint on the inside of his leg, opposite the dislocated kneecap. The end of the wood reached his heel. I secured some dressing to different spots of the splint to act as padding and then I loosely wrapped the triangular bandages around both the leg and the splint, religiously avoiding the knee area. The ties of each knot hung out to the side, waiting to be tightened. "Okay. Now we're going to straighten the leg and secure the splint." I met his eyes, trying to project a confidence I hardly felt. "Ready?" Kade's eyes held mine for a long moment, then he nodded. There was fear in his eyes but also trust. I suspected he was barely holding it together. I was barely keeping it together myself. Taking a deep breath, I slowly began to apply pressure just above the knee. His leg was only slightly bent so it wouldn't take much to straighten it, but I knew these moments would be pure agony for him. He didn't make a sound at first, except for a few wheezing, rapid breaths. But as I pushed further, he cracked.

"Fuck!" he roared. His fingers were clawing at the tent bottom. Wanting to get this over with as fast as possible, I pressed his thigh down all the way. While he yelled, I tightened the bandages with my free hand. Then it was done. I released him. The splint was in place. For long moments, his head repeatedly turned from side to side and his hands squeezed and reopened. The waves of pain must have passed because eventually, he calmed down. I sagged in relief and bowed my head. I wept a little, too quietly for Kade to hear. I felt his hand rest on my hair and I stiffened. He must have heard my tears, after all. I quickly dabbed them before looking up. Those sea-green eyes studied me with a strange mix of emotions. Pain. Lust. Fear. His cheeks were wet with his own tears. His brow was furrowed furiously. His lips were sucked into his mouththere was blood on the lower lip. "Shit," I said. "I should've given you something to bite down on." He let out a deep breath, launching a spray of spittle. "Kade, are you okay? Kade?" He nodded, the corner of his lips quirking up in a tired smile. "Bit my tongue slightly but otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good. The knee doesn't hurt as much anymore. Good job, whatever you did. Or maybe it's just the meds kicking in." His halting laugh brought a tired smile from me and some of the tension eased from my shoulders. I knew we were still in deep trouble but having him awake and talking helped me cope. A lot. Though the rain had washed off most of the mud, I still felt like a mess. I slid off my muddy boots and my soaked socks and rested them against the tent fabric. "How's your head?"

"Fine. Headache's getting better. But I really just want to sleep." Now that I wasn't exerting myself, I started to shiver a little bit. I saw goose bumps on Kade's skin and I wondered if I should worry that he wasn't shivering. I unrolled the sleeping bag from the pack. It seemed a little moist to me but I laid it on top of him anyway. "How's that feel?" I said. He grinned stiffly. "Warmer. In a wet way." "I'm not sure if that was meant to be a double entendre or not." When he didn't answer my little joke, I sat back. "You can take a nap if you want but we have to set out again soon." I took off my rain jacket. Underneath, my shirt and sweater were wet, not with rainwater but sweat from my earlier exertions. The clothes literally clung to me and I wanted to change them. I grabbed one of Kade's sweatshirts from the backpack. The shirt actually felt pretty dry to me. I was about to peel off my sweater when I caught Kade brazenly eying me. "I think I'll stay awake and enjoy the show." His voice held a slight challenge. I scowled at him, though I was secretly glad he was well enough to flirt. He just shrugged. "Come on. It's not something I haven't seen before." When I turned my back on him, I couldn't help but smile. I pulled the shirt and sweater over my head in one smooth motion, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks. I dearly wanted to change out of my wet bra as well but my stomach fluttered at the idea of being completely naked under his eyes. I touched the ring around my neck, reassuring myself it was still there, then quickly pulled on the sweatshirt. I was going to wiggle out of my pants as well because they were still pretty dirty but decided against it. They'd dry well enough while I wore them. "Well, I hope you enjoyed that." I turned around in my new sweatshirt. "Not really. I saw a little piece of naked back for what, two seconds?"

I shrugged, sitting against the tent fabric beside him. He had a strange glint in his eye. "I suppose you can't really compare what you've got to what I've got, though, eh?" I felt a spark of outrage and turned my back on him. I wasn't even sure why that would hit me so hard. We were friends, nothing more, just like I wanted. And friends teased each other goodnaturedly. I should have taken it as a sign that he wasn't concussed. I should've teased him right back. For some reason, I couldn't. I guess it was because of everything that had happened. He'd been hurt enough. So had I. I jumped when his hand touched mine. I twisted out of his grasp, ready to yell at him for touching me. Something in his face stopped me though, and instead I said, "What?" The word came out almost as a whisperI struggled to speak past the choking sensation in my throat. "When I said you can't compare what you've got to what I've got, I meant, well, I'm just an ugly, tattooed freak while you're fucking gorgeous." The words didn't register for a minute but when they did, I flushed. I couldn't keep eye contact. Gorgeous. He'd called me gorgeous. But it was the way he said it that got me. It was almost...reverent. "You're not a freak." No other response came to mind and to be honest I wasn't sure how to respond. Lamely, I tried to change the subject. "Wish it would stop raining." "I don't." There was a wistful note to his voice that made me glance at him again, only to feel my blush darken when I realized he was still watching me. A slight smile played on his lips and made my stomach flutter. "We need to move on," I said, trying to distract myself with plans. "The closer we are to the bridge, the better chance we have of being found." I pointed at the splint. "You think you'll be able

to walk on that leg or not?" "With you to lean on, yes." I wasn't sure if he was just flirting again but he seemed sincere. "Just let me rest a little longer," Kade added. I agreed and lay back against the tent fabric. I suddenly felt really groggy and I knew it must have been even worse for Kade. I took a sip of water and splashed some on my face. I gave him the canteen and he took a long drink. "You could leave me, you know," Kade said. He raised his voice when I started to protest. "It makes perfect sense. You hike the rest of the way, get help, and come back. Just follow the river. I'll be fine on my own for a day or two." "Absolutely not," I said. "You wouldn't have enough water, your concussion could be worse than we thinkthere are a hundred different things that could go wrong. I'm not leaving you." My glare seemed to keep him from arguing. "We both walk or we both stay behind." He gritted his teeth but nodded. "Fine." I groped for something else to talk about to keep the both of us awake. Something innocent and light. "So. How'd you start working here?" He stiffened slightly and I wondered if I'd asked something off-limits. Kade took another sip of water before he spoke. "I was seventeen, needed a job. I saw an ad for a volunteer at the center and because there wasn't anything else, I called to see if they had a paid position open. Any paid position. I was pretty desperate." He drank leisurely from the canteen. I waited, not wanting to pressure him. He sighed. "I know what you're thinking. Why was I so desperate at only seventeen, right? Not even old enough to drink and already a bum. I was dating a girl my parents didn't like. Sarah. Five years older than me. She told me she was pregnant. I panicked. I was afraid of being a dad. I didn't want to mess up like my own dad had for me. So I just left everything. Her. My family. I

packed up and moved to the far side of town. That's why I needed a job so badly. I met Momma Jeanne for the interview back when she was the only one in charge and she gave me a chance out here. I worked for the entire summer, trying to sort things out." I held my tongue, though questions piled up in my brain. So much for innocent and light. For long moments I heard only the gentle patter of rain on the tent fabric. Then Kade finally continued. "When summer was over, I made a decision. I'd try my best to be a dad. I got home in time for the baby to be born but Sarah, my girlfriend, had gone and married someone else. I'd only been away three months and she'd snagged some sugar daddy working a big time office job. I couldn't believe it. I tried to make it work between us, tried to get involved in my kid's life, but the next thing I knew I had a restraining order put on me and I couldn't get within 150 meters. The judge wouldn't even grant me a paternity test." He stared at the far side of the tent. "I was afraid of messing up like my dad. Well, I more than messed up. The kid'll never know his real father now. But maybe it's better that way, you know? Can you imagine me as a father?" He gave a sharp, humorless laugh. I studied Kade for a moment. He was just as broken as me. Maybe more so. "You'd make a great father. I know it. You're not a bad person, Kade." He gave a slight shrug. "I don't know, Ash. I'm a selfish asshole. I drink, smoke, bang random women. When I'm in the city, I can't tell you how many times I come close to just losing it. Someone says the wrong thing at the bar, I just snap. If anyone ever talks smack about Sarah or my kid, I just pound them into the ground. It's ridiculous. I'm just not good around people. I guess I really need to find a job where I can do this year round. Work outdoors, I mean. This is where I'm good. In my element. With the trees. The sea. The falcons. It sounds corny but this is my world. I know I'll never do anything important, that I'm never going to be someone people look up to. But you know what? I don't care as long as I'm doing this." "You're happy out here?" I reached over, touching his hand. At first his fingers clenched

tightly but then he gradually relaxed until I could twine my fingers through his. I gave his hand a slight, comforting squeeze. I felt that familiar electricity flow between us. A rapt look filled his face. "Happiest I've ever been. Like I told you before, out here it doesn't matter who I am or who I was. I'm free to be whatever I want. There's no one to judge me. I'm left alone." He sighed, turning his head to look at me. "Corny, isn't it?" I smiled and squeezed his hand. "Not at all. You've found yourself. Found what makes you happy. Not many people can say that." I felt a small pang of jealousy. "Sure." He didn't sound convinced. "You're making a difference, Kade. Think of Momma Jeanne. She always brightens when she sees you. Think of Orion or the other falcons you've saved." Kade nodded. "I guess." He squeezed my hand and glanced at my lips for the tiniest fraction of a second. "But what about you? You're the one who's making a difference. Living the dream, kicking ass in premed. I bet your parents are really proud of you." I heard an echo of longing in his voice. I shook my head slightly. "Yup, they're proud. The goal is to graduate premed, move on to med school, and preferably marry a fellow doctor by the time I'm thirty. Of course, I'm also supposed to pop out one or two grandchildren for them, live in a house with a white picket fence, own two cars and an SUV and hang out at the country club every weekend." "You're not happy." Kade met my eyes and I let those sea-green depths engulf me. I'd only ever told a few people that I hated the safe future my folks had laid out for me. I often lay awake at night, thinking about what I'd be doing if I had the courage to choose my own path, not the path my folks wanted me to take. "You could say that." I broke his gaze. "Happiness has always been something other people had. Not me. Devon's death only made me even more of a fatalist." "Well, what would you rather do?" His fingers tugged softly on mine, shifting my body

closer to his. I looked into his eyes again. They seemed so tender, as if he wanted to protect and shelter me from the rest of the world. I smiled sadly. "Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a veterinarian. Animals are simple. Having to deal with people is complicated." He laughed out loud. I blushed, thinking he was laughing at me and my dream career at first. "Damn straight dealing with people is complicated. You're quite the girl, Ash, did you know that? Quite the girl. You and me, we're not so different. Not so different at all." He tilted his head back, closing his eyes, a soft smile playing on his lips. His expression became peaceful and it made his whole face look more youthful, the lines of pain smoothed away. "You know, I've heard UBC in Vancouver has a damn good preveterinary program. You could move up here, chase your dream." I slipped my hand away from his and tucked my knees against my chin. I felt the old, familiar tug-of-war within myself, the part of me whose life was dictated by parents and duty warring against the part that just wanted to be free. In that moment, I saw another possible future laid before me, which had nothing to do with walking down the same sterile hallways every day and checking in on sick children. A future that didn't involve traveling city streets of steel and pavement but forest paths of pine and dirt. A future in which I lived beneath the open air instead of in some claustrophobic apartment. A future in which I cared for injured, wild animals. A future with Kade at my side. But the moment passed and I realized with regret that I'd never take Kade up on the offer, no matter how much I wanted to, and I let that future, so ripe with possibility, slip away. Kade was looking at me. Those sea-green eyes seemed to know what was going on inside me, seemed to understand my struggle, and when his gaze dropped to my lips, for a moment I actually believed he could do or say something that would change my life forever.

But he only turned his head away.

CHAPTER NINE
Kade
Breathing hard, I watched Ash un-pitch the tent from where I sat with my back to the tree. Just getting out of the damn tent had me sweating from exertion and pain, but I'd told her I'd be able to walk on the leg and I'd just have to do it now, wouldn't I? The rain had let up, at least. I was wearing my sweatpants instead of the jeans because the stretchable fabric fit more easily over the splints. It still hurt like a bitch when she'd dragged them on for me, though. I'd pulled on a v-necked T-shirt and tossed one of my sweaters over it. I was as snug as I could get, though I still felt cold. When Ash finished packing the tent, she shrugged the backpack over her shoulders and crouched next to me. "Ready?" "As I'll ever be." I slung my arm over her neck. I managed to get my good leg underneath me, despite the fact that my whole body felt like one giant bruise, and Ash helped me stand. I put no pressure at all on my right leg and though Ash carried half my weight, it still felt like I was doing a one-legged squat. I grunted as I pushed out of the bottom position. Near the top, I accidentally put weight on my bad leg and I felt a debilitating flash of agony. Ash compensated right away, pulling me sideways, and there it wasI was standing. For someone so small, she was pretty strong. Not only did she hold half my weight but she was carrying the backpack, too. Both of us were breathing hard. I grinned at her. "It's like we're having sex." She gave me her trademark eye roll.

Right then, the cloud cover parted, splashing the forest with sunlight. Around us, some of the water drops in the pines caught the light and I was reminded of diamonds. I felt rich, and in that moment I actually believed I could do anything with her at my side. "Okay," Ash said. "Time for your first step." She wrapped one arm tightly around my waist. The way her body pressed tightly against my side proved a welcome distraction from the pain. It was hard not to notice how neatly she fit under my arm. I placed a little weight on my foot and winced. I grabbed at a nearby shrub, hoping to spread my weight around even more, but all I succeeded in doing was breaking branches. I kept telling myself I could do this but as we shuffled forward, the pain and nausea worsened, making my vision swim. If there was such a thing as self-inflicted torture, this was it. Finally, my good knee buckled. Ash controlled the fall, helping me to the ground. The pain flared in my injured leg and I realized I was holding onto her like a lifeline, my fingers digging into her forearm. I unclenched my hand and took deep breaths, waiting for the agony to subside. I felt so sick, I actually dry-heaved a couple of times. When the nausea passed, I looked at her. "I can't do it, Ash. I can't. I'm sorry." There was such concern in her face. Such caring. God, her eyes were so beautiful, just these radiant pools of blue swallowing me up and making me forget my pain. "It's okay, Kade." Ash lowered the backpack and propped it behind me so I could sit up. Overhead, the clouds swallowed up the sun again. "Ash, just go. Get help. Leave the canteen. That's all I need." She ignored the comment. "I've got another idea but you're probably not going to like it." I chuckled. "I'm not really in a position to argue with your bad ideas." On cue, she rolled her eyes. "Damn, you're cute when you do that," I said.

"Do what?" "The eye roll thing." She started to roll them again but stopped herself. I flashed her a wicked grin, feeling playful now that the pain had subsided. "Better watch out. You might dislocate your eyes if you do that too much." She stuck out her tongue at me. I shook my head and smiled. "Haven't seen someone do that since grade school." Before I could tease her more, she got up and went behind me. I heard her sifting through the backpack and felt the contents move as she took something out. I was curious about this bad idea of hers. "So what are you doing back there, Ash?" She didn't answer. I could only turn my upper body so far without engaging my hips and I didn't feel like risking more pain in my leg so I closed my eyes and lay against the pack. I shifted slightly, trying to get more comfortable when I felt a small lump in my sweatpants pocket. I reached into the pocket and discovered my spare pocketknife. So that was where I'd left it. Well, at least I had something to do while Ash worked on that idea of hers. I leaned way over, flinching at the stab of pain in my leg, and hacked a thick branch away from a nearby shrub. I sat up again. More pain. God, I was beginning to wish I was dead. Anything would be better than living like this. I sat there, sweating through the wave of pain, feeling like I was burning up inside. Then it passed. I stared at the branch. Well, I'd paid for it. Might as well put the damn thing to use. I set to work with the knife. First, I cut the branch down to a hand-sized chunk. Next, I stripped off the bark. Then I began shaping. It wasn't something I advertised but I'd been doing a bit of whittling ever since I came to the Peregrine Center. I'd carved some of my best works while sitting on the cliffs with the ocean spread

before me and the hawks spiraling overhead. No one ever saw the carvings, though, because I tossed them into the ocean when I was done. I usually only carved in solitude but I guess I wanted to share this part of myself with herI could be me around Ash. Engrossed in the work, I didn't notice at first when she crouched next to me. "What are you making?" she said. Something in her voice irked me. I thought she sounded amused. Amused. So I said, "Nothing." I stopped what I was doing and looked up. My gaze slid past her. "Absolutely not." I clicked the pocketknife shut. "Oh, don't be such a baby," Ash said. I stared at the little contraption she'd come up with. She'd converted the tent into a makeshift stretcher, using the tent poles and the canvas. Ingenious, but I wasn't convinced it was going to work. "Ash. You don't need to drag me aroundhell, I don't want you to drag me around. Come on, it's humiliating. Just go for help and leave me." Her eyes narrowed and she gave me a hurt look. It actually stung, that look, and made me feel like I'd done something incredibly wrong. "Kade. I'm not going to leave you. Let's do this." She grabbed my arms and gently dragged me onto the stretcher. I tried to protest at first but the stab of pain in my leg was too much and I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning. I hugged the wood carving close to my chest, not wanting to lose it. She secured me to the stretcher with extra rope and strapped the backpack down beside me. "What am I, just a piece of luggage?" I quipped between breaths. She ignored the comment and moved to the front of the stretcher, which was above my head. She lifted, grunting from the effort, but finally she had me at a forty-five degree angle to the

ground. I gritted my teeth at the jarring pain the movement caused but the ride smoothed out as she trudged forward. The pain definitely wasn't as bad as when I'd tried walking on my own feet. "Don't hit any potholes," I said. She laughed. "This is way easier." Despite the casual words, I clearly heard the strain in her voice. Like I said, strong girl. She trudged onward, pulling me along. Over time, the land sloped down so that eventually the ravine was left behind and we moved level with the river again. I didn't really like it, this feeling of helplessness, of relying on someone else, but what could I do? If I could trust my life in anyone's hands, it was hers. I wanted to tell her that but I couldn't find the words. Instead I joked, "I feel like a passenger in one of those hand-pulled rickshaws." I received only a breathless laugh in reply and I scolded myself for not having the courage to tell her how I really felt. Ah well, it didn't matter. We'd never be together anyway. She still wore the ring of her dead fianc. Together, we had enough emotional baggage to reach the moon. The silence became a bit uncomfortable but I wanted Ash to save her breath for walking so I didn't say anything more. Besides, at this point I wasn't even sure what to talk about, so I contented myself with zoning out. I dozed off during the ride and always it was a jolt of pain that knocked me awake. I wasn't sure how much time passed like that, with me dozing off and awakening, but the landscape never seemed to change. Pines, pines, and more pines, the river flowing endlessly alongside us. After a good long doze, I woke up and noticed the clouds had darkened. There was some leftover winter ice around the pines here, pushed from the river by the recent flooding. We seemed to be moving way more slowly than before and Ash wheezed worse than ever. Lightning flashed overhead. "Looks like it's going to rain again," I said, feeling groggy.

Ash didn't answer. She kept moving mechanically, panting and dragging me along like she hadn't heard. A rumble of thunder shook the air. "Ash, stop. We have to set up the tent before it starts raining. Ash!" She halted and started to lower the stretcher but one of the poles slipped in her grasp. I flopped over to one side and struck the ground. Pain exploded inside me. I squeezed my eyes shut, my vision filling with yellow dots. Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up. The waves of pain passed and I realized Ash was crouched over me, talking. "Kade. Kade. Look at me. Kade?" "Ash," I gasped. "Sorry about that." I tried a smile. I knew it must've looked totally fake. "Hardly... felt it." She gave me water from the canteen, along with two Ibuprofen. I swallowed them gratefully. She lay back, wiping the sweat from her face, and just sat there. Lightning flashed overhead and thunder shook the ground. "How are you feeling?" she said. "Better than you look, I'm sure." I studied her worriedly. Her cheeks were red and sweat dripped down the sides of her face, pooling in drops on her chin. "Are you okay?" She nodded stiffly. "I am. Though I might have to start taking some of those Ibuprofens myself." And she did just that. "You know," I said after she put down the canteen. "I've never had to rely on anyone else before. Not since I left home." She nodded slowly. "And how does that make you feel?"

"A little resentful." I decided to step out on a limb. "But there's no one else whose hands I'd rather be in than yours." It felt good to finally put that out there. Ash blushed but didn't say anything. "Sorry," I said. "That was a bit forward, wasn't it?" "A little." "Am I allowed to blame it on the pills? If so I'll just say it was the Ibuprofen talking." "Nope." She smiled. "You have to take full responsibility for your own actions and words. Can't go blaming painkillers." "Yes, ma'am." I said it with a southern twang and her grin deepened. I heard a faraway howl that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Ash had gone still as well. Her body was tense, alert. "Timber wolves again?" I shrugged, not wanting to scare her, though I admit I was feeling uneasy. You would be, too, if you were stuck in the woods with a dislocated knee and wolves howling in the distance. "I wouldn't worry about it." I tried my best to sound confident. "They don't normally come down out of the mountains. Doubt they'll be any trouble." Ash gave me a brave smile. "You say it like you don't really believe it." I met her eyes squarely. "We're safe, Ash." When the tent was pitched, she dragged me painfully inside and sealed the flap. Just in time, too, because the sky decided to open up and the rain pelted down in heavy waves. We heard it on the canvas, a loud tapping that drowned out all conversation. Ash fished through the backpack for pemmican and we shared the last piece. "You know," Ash said above the rain, wolfing her piece down. "I hated this stuff the first time but honestly, it tastes like filet mignon right now." I grinned. "Certainly helps when you're starving." I closed my eyes and though I didn't mean to, I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, the rain had calmed to a gentle drizzle. I guessed it was late evening, judging from the dimness in the tent. "Thanks for what you did today," Ash said, lying with her back to me. "What, do I snore in my sleep or something?" She chuckled quietly. "Yup." "I was wondering how you knew I was awake. Anyway, I should be the one thanking you." She shifted slightly, as if she were going to look at me but then changed her mind. "Seriously, Kade, if you hadn't saved me, I'd be the one lying in a stretcher with a dislocated knee. Or worse." "Okay. Well, you're welcome." I wasn't sure what else to say. "Did you have a good sleep?" "I did, actually. It's going to take me a while to fall asleep again." "Me too." The temperature was falling and I was looking for an excuse to share body heat again. "Your muscles must be sore from carrying me all day. Did I ever tell you I took a masseur course?" I managed to turn my upper body toward her without moving my injured knee and I touched her shoulders with my hands. She tensed up but didn't say anything. Feeling a little emboldened, I began kneading her rigid muscles and watched in satisfaction as her head dropped forward. "Oh, God, that feels good." She moaned and despite everything that had happened, I found myself getting turned on. Immensely. I couldn't believe it. Did I actually want to have sex now, with my leg injured like this? Was I even capable? I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I wanted so much more than mere sex from her. I wanted to be her man, there was no question about that. But she was still reeling from the death of her fianc. This definitely wouldn't

end well for me. Did I really want to be the rebound guy? Like I wasn't insecure enough already after what my ex did to me. Come on, Kade, if you do this, there's no going back. She's not a bar bimbo. She's a coworker. An intern. You do this, you're fucked. Literally. But there were her shoulders and neck in front of me, spurring me on. I couldn't help myself: I kneaded her back with barely restrained passion. I wanted her to be mine so badly. I knew I wasn't what she wanted long-term but right then I didn't care. My body was doing the talking now. "It would probably feel better with your shirt off," I said.

CHAPTER TEN

Ash
I threw a glance over my shoulder at Kade. His voice had sounded innocent but I gave him an affronted look that told him I knew exactly what he was up to. To my surprise, though, and his own, I'm sure, I sat up, grabbed the hem of my sweater and pulled it from my body. The T-shirt still clung to my back and I hesitated only a moment before lifting that off, too, so that I was left wearing only my sports bra. Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly, maybe the exhaustion was getting to me, but it wasn't like we hadn't exchanged body heat this way before after all. I lay down again, keeping my back to him. I felt him shift a little behind me and I heard a suppressed grunt of pain. I winced in sympathy. His hands gently rested on my shoulders and felt so warm in the cold tent. He brushed my tangled braid forward over my right shoulderI liked how he did thatand he began to knead my sore muscles again. His hands felt so good on me and caused little jolts of pleasure to travel up and down my body. He started off softly and then applied more pressure when I pushed against him. God, he was good. I was getting wet. He worked his thumbs in slow circles toward my neck and then his fingers hesitated when he felt the thin chain of my necklace. My necklace. Oh my God. I'd forgotten about it entirely.

I reached up and touched the ring I always wore around my neck. I pulled away from Kade. "I can't." After an awkward pause, he spoke. "Why?" "I just can't." "Because of a dead man?" I felt stung but I knew he didn't understand. I decided to change the subject. "What about your job, Kade?" "What about it? I can't work now. Not with my leg like this. I'm officially retired." His hands touched my back again. My body was on fire with runaway desire but my mind kept slamming on the brakes. My fingers tightened around the ring. "Kade. Please." "I'll stop. On one condition. You tell me why you can't do this." I closed my eyes. Could I really tell him? Would he laugh at me? "I... I..." Why was this so hard? His fingers started to comb out my braid. "It's all right. You don't have to tell me. Forget about it." I cleared my throat. "I justwell, it's the guilt. I don't know if I can live with myself. After what happened, being with anyone else feels like a betrayal." Kade's palm cupped my face from behind. "Why not give someone else a chance? I mean, come on, when are you going to start living your life? Or do you want to spend the rest of your days living in the shadow of your dead boyfriend?" Those words irked me and I shoved his hand away roughly. "You don't know shit about it." He sighed. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. Though in my case, she didn't die." He paused. "Ash. My Ash. I haven't felt this way for someone in a long time." My Ash? I kind of liked the way he said that. The possessiveness, like I was his and no one

else's. I crossed my arms. "I'm not your Ash." I tried to sound angry but I don't think I was very convincing. He had saved my life. Twice. I owed him, didn't I? I owed it to myself to give him a chance. Maybe he was right. Devon was dead. There was no escaping that fact. Maybe it was time to finally move on, time to escape the guilt. Time to give Kade a chance. Besides, Kade was just giving me a massage. It wasn't like we were going to have sex or anything. He couldn't, anyway, not with his knee dislocated like that. I was blowing this way out of proportion. I hesitated a moment longer, then I pulled the chain free, letting it pool in my hand around the ring. I tucked it into the pocket of my jeans. I hoped the symbolism wasn't lost on Kade. There was quiet in the tent for a few moments. The only sound was the light patter of rain on the canopy. Then Kade's hands hesitantly returned to my shoulders. I leaned into him immediately, wanting him to know that I approved. Unexpectedly, his head bent close and his lips brushed the back of my neck. He inhaled. "You smell incredible," he said. I didn't say a word but my whole neck was tingling and my breathing grew fast. I couldn't believe it. I was actually doing this. With Kade. My Kade. He was so close that I smelled him, too, now. Underneath the tang of sweat and dirt, I sensed rain and something else, something manly. I couldn't help but tilt my head back toward him. Delicately, as if he were afraid to scare me off, he brushed his lips down the side of my neck and along the crest of my shoulder. I sighed and sank back against him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. The gesture felt slightly desperate, as if

he were scared of losing me or that I'd pull away. I turned my head toward him and he released me. I swung my body to face him fully. My lips parted and I stared at his in the dim light. So pink, so perfect. I lowered my head. Our lips met. Electricity seemed to surge between us, stopping my heart in my chest. I totally lost myself in his taste and the rough texture of his lips. My whole body arched as I met that kiss. I lifted one of my hands and tangled it in his hair, at this point just as desperate as Kade to stay connected with him. Compared to the cool air of the tent, his skin was almost feverishly hot. While we kissed, his hands roamed, stroking the small of my back. Gradually his caresses traveled higher, toward the front, brushing over my breastswhich were still trapped beneath the sports bra. The smallest moan passed from my lips into his. He gave a matching groan, eyes heated with desire. I melted beneath him. My mind had completely shut down and my body had taken over, responding to his every touch, pressing into his every stroke, my lips soft and yielding beneath his. I parted my mouth, inviting him to deepen the kiss and I felt his warm tongue penetrate. I slid my own against his, relishing in the sensation. He traced the backside of my sports bra delicately and I felt him hook his fingers under the elastic edge. I didn't protest as he slowly peeled the elastic up. I couldn't, not with our tongues enmeshed. He unhooked the bra and it fell away. I broke the kiss and moved back, feeling bashful, afraid to meet his eyes, now that I was completely naked from the waist up. I wondered what he thought of my breasts. Did I measure up to all the other women he'd been with? His callused hands answered for him, cupping my breasts, stroking and caressing. I kissed him again and inhaled, relaxing into the sensual caresses. I felt my nipples harden and when he rubbed the callused pad of his thumb over one, I whimpered softly and shuddered against him.

I wrapped my hands around his upper body but then I pulled away, giving him an accusatory glare. I saw a hint of worry cross his features and I could've laughed. "Your shirt's still on," I said, surprised at how husky my voice sounded. He chuckled softly and I sat up a little to give him room. He shoved his upper body upright, flinching slightly. I lifted the hem of his sweater, grabbing the shirt beneath, then pulled both over his head. I could barely see the outline of his tattoos in the dim light. He lay back and I sank against him, carefully positioning myself so that only our upper bodies touched. I pressed my breasts into his chest and the full contact of our bare skin was electric. He buried his face against the side of my neck and peppered my skin with small kisses, running his hands up and down the length of my torso. I was doing the same with my own hands, admiring the feel of his broad shoulders, the shape of his muscular pecs, the stiffness of his nipples. It felt like I couldn't quite get my breath, like my heart was pounding too hard for my lungs to completely catch up. My fingertips ran along his arms, tracing over the ink and the occasional scar etched into his skin. He tried to shift beneath me and his breath hissed out between his teeth. I knew right away he'd moved the wrong way because he tensed and the mood broke instantly. I pulled back. "Kade? Are you all right?" I gently turned his head toward me. His features were locked in a pale grimace for a long moment before going slack. "Never been better." He still felt tense beneath me and I couldn't tell if the rasp in his voice was from arousal or pain. "We can stop," I murmured softly, though I wanted nothing else in the world but to see this moment through. He pulled me closer and kissed me. It was kind of a chaste press of the lips, as if he were

waiting for me to respond. I did. He pulled back. "I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with but don't stop on my account." I sighed. It was barely audible but I know he felt my breath on his lips. "Do you want to stop?" Kade said. I kissed him in answer, slipping my tongue between his lips, testing, tasting. Kade ran his hands down my back, cupping my butt and squeezing hard. I groaned and arched my back, pressing my breasts against his chest while pushing my butt into his hands. I was aching for him. He slid his hands along the waistband of my jeans, then fumbled with the buttons. Somehow he managed to ease my jeans open without breaking the kiss. I was the one who ended it. I moved away and he just looked at me. Finally he eased himself onto his elbows. "What's wrong?" We could still see each other in the dim light. It was getting darker, though, and it wouldn't be much longer until nightfall. "My legs aren't shaved," I said. "Ash, I don't care." I eased back a bit, feeling the chill keenly. I stripped off my jeans in the tight confines of the tent, moving quickly, wanting to be back in his arms as soon as possible. I worried that my unshaved legs would be scratchy but when I ran a hand along my thigh, I discovered the hair had grown enough to cover me in a soft, blonde down. Wearing only my white panties, I glanced at him uncertainly as I set the denim aside. His breathing had doubled. It was true, then. He would accept me for who I washow I was unshaved legs and all. How sexy was that? I left the panties on and straddled him coyly, forcing him to lie back. I set a hand against his chest for balance. A smile curled my lips. I was full of mischief. I lowered myself so that my lips

were next to his ear. My panties just barely brushed over the warm hardness in his pants. I could tell my feather-light touch was driving him crazy. I stopped, though, reining in my passion, and slid up to sit squarely on his stomach. I was worried if I kept teasing him, he'd try to buck his hips. I could only imagine the pain that might cause. "We're only going to do this on one condition," I said. "If it hurts you, we stop." I had to keep myself from bending over and kissing his chest. I wanted him to know how serious I was about this. "Fine," he said gruffly. Somehow, I suspected he was going to do this, no matter how much it hurt his knee. There was no disguising the hoarse need that scratched in the back of his throat, making his voice lower and rougher than normal. "Now come here." He wrapped his hands around me and pulled me down. I launched myself at him, letting my teeth graze his earlobe. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes while I nibbled. He ran his hands along my calves, over my knees, and up my thighs, to the apex between my legs. He rubbed his fingers slowly along it and I was sure he could feel the dampness. I shuddered involuntarily, my hands gripping his shoulders to brace myself. The rain continued to patter against the tent walls, providing quiet background music that scarcely registered with my overwhelmed senses. He kept his eyes on my face as his finger teased me through the thin fabric of my panties, and he watched me as I twitched and moaned. Soon I was bucking against his hand. I saw him bite the inside of his lip, then he slid his entire hand underneath my pantiesright into the heart of my dampness. He kneaded the soft flesh of my butt with his other hand as he rolled my panties to the top of my thighs. I twisted away from his belly and peeled my panties the rest of the way off, tossing them to the side without even looking. I was freezing so I launched myself on him again. He shoved me back a little to admire me

in the dim light. He cupped a hand over my mound and grinned. "Natural blonde." I smacked his arm lightly in retaliation, while at the same time grinding against his hand. "Have a thing for blondes, do you?" I said breathlessly. He shook his head. "No, just for you. I don't care what color your hair is." He buried his free hand in the hair on my head, drawing me down for a kiss. My body trapped his other hand between my legs and he dipped his fingers inside me. He explored the folds of my labia with delicate care, stroking and circling as I squirmed and moaned. I rested my head against his shoulder, giving myself over to the pleasure, letting my body rock back and forth. Slowly, he nudged his fingertip all the way inside me, making my breath catch. "Are you okay?" he whispered into my ear. I moaned in answer, pressing myself down against his hand. He got the hint and brushed his lips against my forehead. I felt him do something then, something my fianc had never done. It was hard to describe but it felt like a pleasant, electrical feeling inside me. I had the strange urge to pee. I was getting more and more worked up until finally my whole body tensed and I shuddered against him, moaning his name loudly. "Fuuuuck," I breathed against his neck. "Do that again. Please." He complied. My back arched this time and I whimpered. I hardly noticed when he slipped a second finger in alongside the first, or that his thumb was circling the hard nub of my clitoris, because the whole area exploded with pleasure. Finally, I couldn't take it and I cried out, the muscles of my vagina convulsing around his fingers. My whole chest felt hot from arousal. I shuddered and trembled against him as he continued to stroke and rub, but I was done, and I collapsed onto him, panting. "Stop." He pulled his fingers slowly free and brought them to his lips. He sucked my desire off his hand, savoring the flavor, then he kissed me and I tasted my own juices. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

Gradually, I caught my breath and straightened above him, though I still felt a little shaky. I slid back down onto his hips and he rested his hands lightly on my thighs. I could feel his erection straining against the fabric of his briefs and sweatpants, pressing between the crack of my butt. "Wow," I said. "I've never felt anything like that." I was well aware of the double meaning in my words. He just looked at me like he was going to swallow me up. I shifted off him, feeling the chill once more, and slid my hands to the drawstring of his sweatpants. He caught my fingers. "You're not obligated to do anything for me, Ash," he said. "I don't deserve you. You're perfect, and I'm" Before he could finish, I bent forward and slammed my lips against his in a heated and passionate kiss. His grip slackened on my hands and I pulled the drawstring open. Then I peeled his sweatpants and underwear down slightly, just enough to free his erection. Proud and ready, it snapped into my hands. Kade groaned, his hands becoming fists as I stroked his shaft, tracing the veins and ridges. I squatted down on top of him, setting my knees down on either side of his hips. Then I grabbed his erection with one hand and guided it into my moist slit, mounting him. "Stop." His hands found my hips and he pushed me right off him. I stared down at him, stunned. Had I done something wrong? Had I hurt him? "Kade, what" "No condom," Kade said. "After what I've been through, I'm sure you understand. I don't want to get anyone pregnant again. Not for a long time." Kade pulled me forward so that I could sit on his belly. I felt his erection pulsing against my butt. His body couldn't lie. He wanted me, and I wanted him. More than ever. "Kade, I'm on the pill."

His mouth dropped open. "Oh. I didn't think" "Yeah. Let's just say menstruation isn't one of my favorite pastimes. Now would you please hush?" I wasn't sure he'd trust me but when I grabbed his shaft, he let me guide it again. He slid inside and I pressed down hard, wanting to remind him who was in control, hoping I'd prevent him from bucking into me and hurting his knee. When my butt touched his thighs, I immediately lifted and pressed down again. A moan trickled from my lips, mingling with his own deeper, longing groans. He was unexpectedly big and filled me right to the womb. I wasn't sure whether it was pain or pleasure I was feeling at the deepest point. I decided on pleasure. I thrust and ground against him, angling my hips at an angle that worked for us, driving myself crazy. His hands kneaded the skin above my hips as he held on to me and my moans grew to cries. He moaned, too, just as loud. We were lost in the feel of our bodies, the lust. My arms began to tire and I changed the angle of motion, leaning against his chest as I came close to climaxing again. My motions were becoming erratic and I felt his hands strengthening their hold on me. I leaned further forward and he found my lips as if he'd been waiting for me, drawing me into a hard kiss. His teeth abraded my lips. I hardly noticed. When he tried to draw back, I caught his lower lip with my own teeth and resumed the kiss, our lips and tongues tangling with all the force of our passion. My body abruptly seized and we both groaned. I shut my eyes, losing control, and spots flashed behind my eyelids in the most incredible light show. Sweating and panting, I collapsed against his heaving chest, my fingers clutching weakly at his shoulders. My knees were burning so I extended my legs, careful not to touch his thighs. Kade curled his arms around my waist and stroked my back lazily. The cold was a distant memory, driven away by the heat between us.

"Kade," I said. I was smiling like a madwoman but I couldn't help it. I'd found someone else at last.

CHAPTER ELEVEN
Kade
Pleasant exhaustion followed quickly on the heels of the climax. Ash, my girl, what have you done? It had been so long since I'd felt this way. So long since I'd trusted my heart to someone else. Would she rip it out and tear it to pieces like the last girl I'd given it to? No, Ash was different. Better. I knew that now. She complemented me in every way. I nuzzled her hair. She sighed, groaning softly as she slid free of me and sank against my side, leaning against the hip opposite my injured knee. She reached over and groped through the pack for the sleeping bag. When she found it, I helped her spread it over us like a comforter. I hoped it trapped the warmth of our lovemaking because already I found myself growing cold without her on top. The side she snuggled against was pleasantly warm, though. I lay quietly for a time. My thoughts kept going over how I felt and I knew I had to tell her something or I'd explode. Eventually I said, "I really think you should stay when we get back. At the center, I mean. When your internship is done." God, that sounded needy. But it was the truth about how I felt. "We" "Hush." Ash laid a finger on my lips. "We have plenty of time to discuss our future." Our future. I liked the way she said that. Her words were so soothing. I focused on the pleasant press of her body against mine and I closed my eyes. Our future. She was my Ash, after all, then. I started to slowly drift off to sleep. I had the biggest damn grin on my face.

The urgent jab of fingers into my arm woke me up. I glanced at Ash's silhouette in the dark, wondering what was wrong. Then I heard it. A snuffling and snorting sound came from the perimeter of the tent. It was followed by the soft pad of paws across the leaf litter. I sat up on my elbows. I thought Ash was going to scream like she had when she'd been startled by the raccoon, but she kept quiet. "Just an animal," I whispered, trying to make my voice sound reassuring. When I spoke, the snorting sounds abruptly ceased and I heard the soft pads retreat from the tent. "See, it's gone now." I wrapped an arm around her and kissed her cheek. "What was it?" "Maybe a fox." In the distance, a wolf's song drifted into the night. An answering howl arose nearby. Then another, not far outside. The hair on the back of my neck stood right up. "Kade!" Ash said. Her voice was hushed, tense. She hid her face in my chest, her fingers closing in an iron grip around my arm. She squeezed a little too hard for comfort but I didn't protest. I just stroked her hair comfortingly. Despite my injury, I wasn't actually afraid in that moment. A part of me even wanted the wolves to attack. I wanted to fight for her. I wanted to show her I'd die for her. I started mentally preparing myself, imagining how I'd use one of the tent rods as a weapon. I still had my pocketknifethat would come in handy, too. But then the howls faded and the forest outside grew quiet. A few moments later the distant wolf song resumed, but the answering howls were farther away. They were moving off.

My shoulders slumped in relief. I didn't have to die tonight, after all. "They're going." I kissed the top of her head. "Why did they come so close?" she said, whispering. "I thought you said wolves avoided people who traveled together." "They do." For the most part. There were the rare exceptions, but I thought it best not to mention that. Ash shivered in my arms, despite our shared body heat. "They were just curious, I think." "Will they come back?" I considered my answer for a minute. "I doubt it. As I said, they were just curious. Wolves are really just big dogs. They thought we might be something they could handle. They were wrong. They're not stupid enough to attack adult human beings. Anyway, tomorrow at first light, I want you to follow the river alone. You'll make far better progress. I'll hold out here by myself until you bring back help." "Absolutely not." I pressed my hand over her mouth to stop her protest, smiling when she nipped my palm. She pushed the hand away. "Kade, I'm not joking about this. I'm not going to leave you, not with those wolves prowling around. Besides, what if the pine-tree bridge is washed out? What if there's no patrol out looking for us? I can't do this without you. If something happened to you while I was gone, I'd" She started to tremble beside me. "I'd die." I hugged her tightly, tilting her chin up and pressing my lips briefly against hers. Was that a tear streaming down her cheek onto mine? "Nothing will happen to me. But listen. Forget about me. It's more important that you get back safely. You're the valuable one here. The world won't be any worse off if I become wolf food." I tried to make it sound like a joke, tried to keep my voice light, but I felt her tense beside me. Then her palm unexpectedly smacked my cheek. The blow lacked any real force but it was

still enough to sting. "Don't you dare say something like that ever again. Don't you dare. Do I mean so little to you? I just told you I'd die if something happened to you. How can you be so selfish?" She said the last words at almost a whisper, her voice breaking as if she were close to tears. I felt a sudden panic. I was sure I'd ruined everything between us. I cupped her face between my hands, resting my forehead against hers. She let me, thankfully. "Ash, you have no idea how much you mean to me. You're right, I was being selfish. You're completely right, because there's no way in hell I'd leave you if our places were swapped." I felt her shudder slightly, and I thought she sobbed. I would've given anything just then to see her sky-blue eyes, but the light was too dim. "Darn right I'm right." She almost choked on the words but then she hugged me close. I listened to the quiet forest and when I was satisfied that the wolves had gone, I let my head fall back. Keeping my arms wrapped around her, I forced myself to stay awake. I truly wanted to protect her from the dangers of the world. I wasn't really sure how I'd do it in my current state but I promised myself I'd find a way. She was my Ash now, after all. And always would be, if I could help it.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Ash
I awoke feeling drowsy. My body ached everywhere and all my muscles were tied in sore knots. I smiled, though, remembering the reason for some of those aches. I never thought I would love again. But here I was, lovestruck by a man who was so wrong for me, yet so right. His arms were still draped around me, keeping me captive against his side beneath the sleeping bag we used as a comforter. I didn't terribly mind. With a contented sigh, I carefully extracted myself from Kade. He barely stirred. Well, he needed the sleep more than me. I dressed, shivering in the early morning cold. I felt a lump in the pocket of my jeans and I found the necklace and ring Devon gave me for our engagement. I gazed at it for a second. It felt like something was missing without the ring between my breasts so I hung it around my neck and slid the metal under my sweater. I tucked the hem of the sleeping bag around Kade's shoulder and then slipped outside. Today was a beautiful day. There was hardly a cloud in the sky. I saw evidence of how close the wolves had approached last night. Paw prints in the mud led straight up to the entrance flap and circled all around. Crazy. I promised myself I wouldn't let us spend another night out here. I went back in the tent and scrounged through the pack for food. Then I remembered we'd eaten the last of the pemmican yesterday. Great. There were still some instant coffee packets,

though, so I grabbed two mugs from the backpack, determined to find a way to start a fire. In roughly half an hour, I had a roaring campfire going with two mugs of coffee steaming away. I was really proud of myself and I have to say, coffee never tasted so good. Maybe my time would've been better spent packing up the tent but I don't think I could've faced another day without warm coffee rushing through my veins. "Hey, Kade, wake up," I called to him from outside the tent. "Got a surprise for you." From the corner of my eye, I saw him shift slightly beyond the open flap but he didn't otherwise respond. I grabbed his mug from the fire and carried it over to him. "Smell that, Kade?" No answer. Starting to get worried now, I touched his cheek. "Holy crap," I hissed. I rested the back of my hand against his forehead. His temperature had skyrocketed overnight. Why hadn't I noticed earlier? Stupid me, I'd been too dreamy and lovestruck to pay attention when it counted. I wanted to get him out of the tent but I realized if I did that, all his body heat would bleed away so I decided to wrap the sleeping bag around him first. Maybe the pain would help rouse him. I carefully slid the bag underneath his splinted leg. He moaned but didn't wake up. When I finished, I zipped the sleeping bag shut so that he was covered up to his neck. Kade was still out. I slapped his cheek slightly. "Kade. Wake up." I grabbed the canteen. "Kade." I splashed water into his face. No reaction. I shook him. "Kade!" Nothing. Ignoring my aching muscles and the panic clawing at my throat, I managed to drag him out

of the tent. I rested him in front of the campfire, hoping the warmth would make him stir. "Look, Kade. Fire from ice. Just like you said." I'd taken a slab of floodwater ice from the base of one of the pine trees and shaped it into a rough sphere, smoothing the surface with the heat of my hands. I'd positioned it near the ground and, as Kade had promised a few days ago, the sphere had acted as a perfect magnifying glass for the sun. When he still didn't answer, I almost cried. Oh, God, if he died because I'd wasted the morning building a fire, I'd never forgive myself. I drank the rest of the coffee, knowing I'd need all the energy it could give me, and I repacked the mugs. I haphazardly poured water on the blaze and kicked dirt into the firepit, just wanting to get moving. I took down the tent and reshaped it into a stretcher, sacrificing neatness and orderliness in favor of speed. When I was finally done, my breath was choking on the knot that swelled in my throat and I tried to ignore the hot tears that slid down my cheeks. I was alone, desperately alone. I wasn't sure a person could handle this much emotional pain. My barely healed wounds had been ripped right back open, raw and bleeding. I'd already lost one man I loved. I couldn't handle losing another. It would kill me. I tied Kade and the pack to the stretcher, then heaved him upright and began the long, wearying journey alongside the river. I tried to concentrate on the path ahead. I tried to forget about the past and the future and just live in the moment. But I couldn't. I kept thinking about last night. I'd been kissing him, making love to him, and now he was in a coma. I broke down and started talking through the tears. "When you wake up, you're going to be in for it, Kade." My voice cracked over the sentence. My breath was ragged from the work and from the tears I couldn't stop. I put my head down, took a deep breath, and then dragged the stretcher another few yards. "I mean, after all we've been through, you have to go and decide not to wake up? I'm going to kick your butt when we get back, I swear."

I could almost imagine his response, the cocky tilt of his head, the smirk. I kept talking until I was out of breath and my throat was hoarse. But I pulled him onward, unwilling to rest. I wasn't going to let him die on me. I refused. The sun reached the middle of the sky and the terrain flattened out. When I came to a clearing I stopped to catch my breath and lowered Kade gently to the ground. I staggered to his side and rested a hand on his forehead. His fever hadn't broken. In fact, it seemed worse. I grabbed the canteen from the backpack and tried to pour some water in his mouth but the liquid just spilled right out. "Hey, Kade?" I coughed, trying to clear the dry rasp from my voice. I took a sip from the canteen. "We're almost there. Almost at the pine bridge." It was a lie because I had no idea how far we were. I took another swallow of water and poured some over his forehead. "Kade. You don't realize what you mean to me, do you? You're the one who taught me to love again. You're the one who can change my life. You can't leave me. Not now." A rustle in the brush behind me made me tense. I slowly turned around. I froze as my eyes met the brilliant amber gaze of a wolf. It was smaller than I'd expected, not the looming monster of my fears. Still, the sight of the animal sent a chill through me. The wolf slid its eyes away from me to the stretcher. To Kade, helpless behind me. Something snapped inside me when the wolf did that and the fighter in me sparked into action. I hurled the canteen at the wolf with every ounce of strength I had left. The wolf tried to leap away but was too slow and the canteen struck it right on the nose. The animal yelped and disappeared into the forest. "And don't come back!" I yelled after it, standing over Kade protectively. "Mangy bitch!" A weak tug on my leg caused me to leap straight up. I looked down, hands balled into fists and ready for anything, but it was Kade. Sweet Kade.

He was staring up at me, his green eyes hazy and unfocused. He moved his mouth but made no sound. I knelt beside him and stroked his forehead. "What is it, baby?" He moved his lips again and I realized he was mouthing, "Water." "One sec!" I retrieved the canteen and gave it to him. He drank thirstily. "Wolves again?" His voice seemed little more than a murmur. "Shh..." I grabbed the bottle of Ibuprofen from the pack and pressed two pills into his hand. "Take these." He swallowed them dutifully with another sip of water. "I won't let them get you, Ash. I'd rather die than let them get you. I'll kill them." There was a fierce intensity in his voice that scared and comforted me at the same time. "Kade. How are you going to save me? You can't even walk." I tried to laugh, hoping to draw that familiar glare from him or some sign of his old self, but instead he just looked at me and his fierce expression only intensified. "I mean it," he said. "Every word. I'll find a way." I stroked his sweat-soaked hair back from his forehead and I was frightened by how hot he felt. "I know, Kade. But it's my turn to save you. You can return the favor another time. Maybe bring me some wolf pelts." I meant it as a joke but he didn't laugh. Even so he seemed somewhat appeased by the words because he grabbed my hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed my knuckles. His lips felt so dry compared to the night before, the skin chapped and rough. "I've never felt like this about anyone, Ash." He was staring up at me now, gazing intently into my eyes. I felt a little dizzy, lost in those emerald depths. "Not for anyone. You're different. You're the one. I want to marry you." "All right." I was sure he was rambling now. Still, his eyes seemed so earnest that I couldn't help but believe him. I leaned over and kissed his forehead, not sure how else to respond. "Kade. You're feverish. And I'm sure you tell that to all the girls." Though I truly hoped he didn't.

He shook his head. "No. If I die, I just wanted you to know you mean everything to me." My chin was doing this odd trembling thing and my vision became blurry. "Kade, you're not going to die. Stop talking like that. Listen, we have to keep going. I don't want to be caught out here another night." I pressed the canteen into his hands. "Hold on to this and keep drinking water." "Ash, wait. Listen to me. I love you. I always have. Since the moment I saw you. But I have to tell you something important. If I get through this, if I live, I won't share you. I won't be your number two. I won't compete with that dead guy whose memory you keep wrapped around your throat." He must have seen me put the necklace back on. Either that or he could see the lump under my sweater. I wasn't sure what to say. I loved Kade back, that much I knew, but as for the rest of it, well, this wasn't a conversation I was ready to have. Not now. "We can sort out all the emotional stuff when we're back at the center and you're well. Now please, we have to go." I was about to pick up the stretcher when I noticed something: I didn't hear the gush of the river. I walked to the bank. The rapids had faded, and the water level had returned to where it was a few days before. Best of all, I could actually see the bottom here. We could ford it. I decided this was as good a place as any to cross, because even if we made it to the pine bridge, I didn't see how I'd be able to bring Kade over on a stretcher. Besides, it seemed like a good idea to put the river between us and the wolves as soon as possible. I saw two large branches caught against the shore. I picked them up and hauled them over to the stretcher one at a time. "Ash, what are you"

"Shh," I said. With four triangular bandages from the first aid kit, I lashed the branches under the stretcher, parallel to the bottom edge beneath his feet. I prayed the wood would be buoyant enough. "This is another one of your bad ideas, isn't it?" Kade smiled weakly. I only nodded, glad that at least some of his humor had returned. I took the canteen from his hands and shoved it into the backpack. I stowed my boots and socks away and rolled up my pant legs. I double-checked that everything was secure and then I gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Love you." Before he could answer, I stood up and went to the front of the stretcher. I dragged it upright, turned toward the river, took a deep breath, and started forward. I trudged down the bank and splashed into the water. The river immediately swallowed me to the knees. "Ash..." Kade sounded nervous. "Hold on, Kade." The frigid temperature made me pauseI'd forgotten how cold these waters could be. If I dragged Kade through this and dropped him, I risked plunging him into hypothermia. Did I really want to compound his condition? But I might not get another chance to cross. What if it rained again? What if the wolves decided to show up? So many what-ifs. No, I'd cross here. I'd just have to warm him with my body heat on the other side if he got soaked. We were getting good at that, after all. I just prayed neither of us would succumb to hypothermia. I took one last deep breath and then dragged the stretcher onto the water. To my relief, the two branches lashed near his feet buoyed the thing up. The sleeping bag seemed to be keeping his legs relatively dry. The weak current pulled at the stretcher but I dealt with it easily enough. I trudged forward, keeping the front end of the stretcher elevated. The riverbed felt slippery beneath my toes and I worried I'd lose my balance. Thankfully, the water stayed relatively shallow.

Even so, the cold seemed to climb up my legs and suffuse the rest of my body. And then it was over. One moment I was trudging across slippery stones on the river and the next I found myself scrambling onto the shore of the far bank. Thank you, God. The stretcher bumped and grated as I dragged it up the bank. Kade didn't make a sound the whole time. I lowered the stretcher and rushed back to check on him. His eyes were closed. Water had seeped into the bottom of the sleeping bag near his feet but otherwise, he was dry. "Kade, are you okay? Kade." I touched his forehead. Still burning. I opened the pack to give him more Ibuprofen. "Take these. Kade. Kade?" He was out again. I checked his pulse. His heart was still beating, though weakly. I untied the branches from the base of the stretcher, and then I dried my feet and pulled on my socks and boots. I hoisted the stretcher up once more and dragged Kade over the relatively flat ground. I moved as fast as I could. "We're almost at the road, Kade. Almost there." I said it mostly for myself because in all honesty, I had no idea how far away we were. Pretending that each pine ahead marked the road gave me the will to drag Kade to that tree, and then to the next one. Every part of me hurt. My lungs ached. My muscles trembled with fatigue. My heartbeat seemed to pound louder with each step, competing with my ragged breathing. I wasn't cold anymore, that was for sure. I was sweating from the exertion. I kept my eyes focused straight ahead and pushed myself forward, determined not to stop until I reached the road. But apparently, my body wasn't as strong as my mind because eventually I just collapsed, dropping the stretcher and Kade. I crawled to his side, worried I'd injured him. He was growing pale and he didn't respond to my touch or anything I said. A sharp sob of despair welled in my throat but it came out a choked whimper. "I'm so sorry," I said, coughing, my voice hoarse. I fumbled with the pack, trying to get the

canteen out, but it was snagged on something so I gave up. I hunched. "I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore, Kade. Forgive me." I studied his face, watching his chest heave with each labored breath. He twitched and shifted, caught in fever dreams. I kissed his forehead, feeling so sad. We could have had something wonderful together. We could have changed the world. Our world. I buried my face in my hands but I didn't have the strength for more tears. I was so utterly spent. I lay down beside him, feeling numb. He muttered incoherently but I quieted him by stroking his hair. At least we would die together. Movement at the edge of my vision made me sit up. The wolf had returned. It watched me with those amber eyes. It was less than a hundred yards away, frozen in the act of slinking from tree to brush. I was sure it was the same wolf I'd seen before. It must have waded across the river after us. "Can't you just leave us alone?" My voice came out a weak whine. The stupid thing was like a vulture, following us, waiting for us to die. Honestly I couldn't even find the strength to be afraid anymore. I watched it creep a few steps closer, its eyes never leaving me, and I just didn't care anymore. Behind it, another wolf emerged from the trees, and another. They were patient, stalking, waiting. I fumbled inside the backpack, groping for something to throw. I found the pocketknife but I couldn't open the bladeI was too weak. I flung the object at them with what strength I had left but it fell far short. The lead wolf glanced over its shoulder at the others and one after another, the wolves ducked back into the forest until only he remained, watching me with what seemed almost wistfulness. It could only be hunger, of course, but as I stared into those fierce, golden eyes, I was strangely reminded of Devon. I thought for one crazy, unbelievable moment that the wolf was his

reincarnation and that he had been watching over me and Kade. It was a crazy thought, one formed in delirium, certainly, and in later days I would seriously question my state of mind at the time, but that's what I thought right then. The wolf cocked its head, breaking the spell. It twitched its ears and then reluctantly turned around, pausing to gaze over its shoulder one last time at me before hurrying off at a grounddevouring lope I would have admired in another situation. Stunned, I stared at the empty forest, not really believing what had just happened. It was another few seconds before I heard what had scared the pack off. Human voices. I saw them then. Five people, hiking on the other side of the river. "Here," I called, though my voice came out a hiss. I crawled to the river and cupped water into my mouth. "Here!" I said, louder. I recognized Blaine, Gina, and Sadie across the river. "Ash!" Gina yelled. Thick hands were already hauling me upright. Momma Jeanne. Behind her, Rebecca and two men were attending to Kade. They must have taken this side of the river while Gina and the others had covered the opposite shore. My vision blurred as I said her name. "Momma Jeanne." She hugged me tight. "It's okay, darlin'. Everything's going to be okay now." "Kade. His leg." "We got this. Don't you be worrying now." Momma Jeanne hoisted me onto her back piggyback style and started marching north. I was vaguely aware of Kade being carried along beside me. Time passed in a blur. I fell in and out of sleep and ultimately awakened inside one of the Jeeps. In a sudden panic, I realized Kade wasn't

there. "Where's" "It's okay darlin'," Momma Jeanne said beside me. "Kade's in the other Jeep." I sat up long enough to see a second vehicle speeding along ahead of us. Gina was in the passenger seat in front of me. She looked back with concern, grabbing my hand. "Hold on, Ash." Exhausted, I lowered my head, glad that Kade was safe. I saw that I was wrapped in a blanket so I pulled it tight around myself. Momma Jeanne gave me some water and I fell back to sleep. When I awoke again I was at the center. A helicopter was here and they were loading me inside with Kade, who was still unconscious. I was on a stretcher now, tooa real-life medical stretcher, complete with retractable wheels. I held his hand while the paramedics worked and I answered their questions, allowing them to examine me. I felt so drowsy and just wanted to sleep again. I tried to stay awake as long as I could because I wanted to make sure Kade was okay, but I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, we were on the rooftop of a hospital. The paramedics rushed Kade out of the helicopter before I had a chance to stop them. "Wait!" I tried to get up but one of the paramedics held me down. "Sweetie, he's going into the most capable hands we have. You have to take care of yourself now." "Where am I?" "You're at Vancouver General Hospital. One of the best hospitals in the world." I watched Kade vanish inside the double doors on the rooftop. The paramedics unloaded my stretcher and wheeled me toward the same double doors. We pushed through into a short corridor. There was an elevator at the end of the hall and the stretcher

rolled inside. I listened to the soulless, metallic dings as the elevator went from floor to floor. "Is he your boyfriend?" the paramedic said finally, looking down at me, trying to soothe me with her voice. I don't know. A sob wracked my chest and the tears I'd fought against all this time welled up. The paramedic seemed concerned as she combed the hair from my face. "It's okay, sweetie." "He's my fianc," I said finally. The paramedic smiled sadly, patting me on the shoulder. We emerged from the elevator and I was wheeled through another white corridor into an examination room. The paramedics transferred me from the stretcher to an examination bed. "The doctor will see you soon," the paramedic said, and then she was gone. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew the emergency room doctor was giving me a quick once-over. "You're exhausted and dehydrated," he said. "But otherwise in perfectly good health, considering what you've been through. I'm going to book you for the night. Tomorrow you'll be free to go." "What about my friends?" I said. "Visiting hours are until ten-thirty. It's eight now, so your friends still have a couple of hours. You'll be able to see them once we assign you to a non-emergency ward." A nurse came in shortly after and wheeled me to a room in a different ward. Once there, she dabbed rubbing alcohol on the back of my hand and hooked me up to an IV tube. I flinched at the pain but it wasn't enough to stave off my drowsiness. I wanted to see my friends but I fell asleep before I could even ask the nurse to let me use a phone. My last thoughts were of Kade. I prayed he was all right.

I woke up late the next morning and the attending nurse brought me a breakfast of eggs and cereal. I wolfed the food down so fast that the nurse brought me another tray. When I finished, I got up and wheeled the IV to the washroom. After relieving myself, I lay back on the bed because I felt really groggy. I forced myself to sit up, though, because I wanted to check on Kade, and I was about to buzz the nurse when a knock came at my door. I heard someone say "Thank you" and then Gina stepped in, rolling a luggage bag along behind her. She seemed on the verge of tears. I wasn't far off myself. "It's good to see you." She gave me a long hug. "I came yesterday but you were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake you. I would have stayed overnight but the nurses made me go back to the hotel." "It's okay, Gina," I said, patting her back. She pulled away and dabbed at her eyes. "We were so worried these past few days. Tell me, how's the hero?" I rubbed my forehead. "Been better. How's Kade?" Gina nodded, as if expecting the question. "The doctors reset his knee and the swelling's gone way down. He's still pretty drugged up, though. When I visited him this morning, he was out cold." "I want to see him." Gina squeezed my hand reassuringly. "For sure. And you will. I guess you guys are pretty close now after what happened." I nodded, not quite wanting to expand on "what happened" yet. I needed to see Kade first. Gina slid the luggage against the wall. "I brought your clothes. Figured you'd want to change after you were discharged." "Thanks, Gina." She meant well, but really all I cared about right now was seeing Kade.

Another knock came at the open door and a nurse entered. She looked at Gina. "Hello. Would you mind giving us a few moments? I need to check her vitals and take out the IV." Gina nodded. "Of course." She glanced at me and said, "I'll be waiting for you in the hall." When the nurse was done, I had her ring the front desk for Kade's room number. "Your friend is fine but he's not awake. You might as well shower and get changed so we can free up the room." I was about to protest but I realized she was right. Though the bathroom only had one of those tub/showerhead combinations, I didn't think I'd ever had a better shower in my life. I cranked the heat up, letting steam fill the room, and lathered and conditioned my hair twice before scrubbing myself all over. I let the spray run up and down my spine. My hair flowed over my ears and blocked out the outside world so that I heard the drizzle of the shower inside my head. It sounded a little like the rain on the outside of the tent that night Kade and I had made love. I touched myself, remembering his kiss and the feel of him inside me. I felt a world of difference after stepping out of the shower. Amazing what twelve hours of sleep, eating enough for two people, and taking a long hot shower could do for you. Gina came in while I was dressing and she helped me untangle my matted hair. I told the attendant I was done with the room and then Gina and I hurried over to Kade's ward. Gina insisted on wheeling my luggage for me the whole time. I saw a sign that indicated cellphone use was prohibited in the hospital, which explained why Gina didn't have her phone out. I told the ward attendant we were there to see Kade and she pointed out his room. I paused at the door. Memories of another hospital visit surfaced starkly in my mind: Devon wrapped up in bandages, with burns covering eighty percent of his body. What would I find here? Was Kade really all right? I didn't want to go in. I was afraid. But I had to.

I felt so relieved when I saw his face. He only had a small bandage on his head. Slowly breathing in and out, he looked so peaceful lying there on the hospital bed. The EKG monitored his heartbeat and he had an IV tube just like the one I had had embedded in the top of his hand. I wrapped my fingers around his palm. "Kade." He was wearing a light blue patient gown, and his injured leg was elevated in a sling. The swelling had gone way down. The falcon tattoo peered out from the top of the gown and I almost felt like Kade himself was looking at me through the eye on his Adam's apple. I entwined my fingers through his. The letters of his name, tattooed on each finger, rested in my grasp. I saw Gina staring at me but she wasn't smiling or smirking or anything. Her expression was thoughtful more than anything else. That was when I realized the significance of the bandage on Kade's head. "Why isn't he awake?" I felt a surge of panic. "He only twisted his knee, didn't he? Didn't he?" Gina frowned. "He also has a slight concussion." I felt my world coming apart and my eyes became blurry. "What?" I couldn't make out his features anymore. "How can that be? I checked him. He only had a small lump. I asked him questions. We talked. This is my fault. All of it." "Ash, he'll be fine. Stop panicking." She gave me a tight hug. "When I said slight concussion, I meant it. He was talking with the nurses. He's coherent. The only reason he's not awake is because they have him doped up with painkillers. Resetting his knee aggravated already torn ligaments. He'll probably be out for the rest of the day. Now please, calm down." "Okay." She was right, I had to stop panicking. "Okay." Gina looked me in the eye and when she was satisfied that I was all right, or at least wouldn't cry, she said, "So. When are you going to tell me what happened?" I swallowed. "Well, after Kade fished me out of the river, we started walking back. We

were beside a ravine, and stupid me, I decided to go right to the edge. The ground collapsed but Kade saved me. He fell in my place." A tear dribbled down my cheek. I turned around, needing something to do. Something to distract myself. "Where are his charts? I want to see his charts." I probably wouldn't be able to read them, but still... "I'm going to ask the nurse" Gina grabbed my arm. "Ash. How many times do I have to say it? Kade's going to be fine. He just needs time to recuperate. I don't think you should be here, not in your state. Come on, let's go outside for some fresh air." Against my will, I let Gina lead me out. I wanted to stay by Kade's bedside, make sure he was well. We'd made love. He'd said he loved me, wanted to marry me. We took the elevator down and went outside. "I don't know what to do," I said, looking down at my hands. I was trying to remember Kade's touch but already it was fading. Gina didn't understand that I was talking about Kade because after a long pause she said, "Well, you have a couple of options. Your folks are frantic and insist you come home immediately. If you decide to go, everyone at the conservation center will understand. They feel awful about what happened. Especially Blaine. And Momma Jeanne has been beside herself with worry. But they already said they wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted to leave and never come back to British Columbia." "What?" I couldn't believe it. "Why would I want to go home? Rebecca and the others aren't going to make me, are they?" "Of course not!" Gina hugged me. "They'd love it if you stayed. But you do have to call your folks and tell them your decision." "I'm surprised they didn't try to fly up here and pick me up themselves." "Oh, they wanted to. You can be darn sure about that. I called them yesterday and told them what happened. It took all my convincing to keep them from coming here to get you. But

your mom wants you to call as soon as you're able. She won't be happy when you tell her you're staying." "I don't care if she's happy or not." I set my jaw and tilted my chin up. "I'm not doing this for them. I came out here for me. And I'll call them when I'm good and ready. Maybe tomorrow." "Great. And I agree." Gina had her phone out now, since this wasn't a cellphone-prohibited zone, and she was texting. "I told them to expect your call tomorrow. So. Don's waiting to take us back. You just need to finish the hospital release paperwork." Gina sensed my hesitation and she took my hand, squeezing lightly. "They've got Kade on round-the-clock observation. We'll just get in the way. Besides, he'll be drugged up for the next few days. You've studied morphine in school. You know what it does." "I do. Which is exactly why I have to stay." "What, you'll sleep in his room on the guest chair all day? Don't be ridiculous. They'll give us a call as soon as he's awake and then you can talk to him." I crossed my arms stubbornly. "No. I want to stay in town. I want to be close. I'll get a hotel." "I never thought I'd be the one arguing to go on a plane, but here I am. Listen, the best thing for us right now is to get back to the center." "Why, so you can be close to Blaine?" Gina sighed. "Ash, this isn't about Blaine. We need to be surrounded by friends right now, and we need something to do to keep ourselves occupied. Especially you. Don's going to be staying out at the center so he can fly you back as soon as Kade's ready to receive visitors. Don would be happy to bring you. Momma Jeanne and Rebecca will probably go along as well." I nodded slowly but my mind was drifting away. I wondered if what happened between me and Kade was real. He might not have been himself because of the concussion. He could have been delusional. There was also the possibility he had been completely normal through it all and

was just playing me. I'd be completely broken inside if that were true. Eventually, I gave in to Gina's prodding and agreed to return to the center. I knew I should have stayed but I was afraid. It was far easier to run away and hide than to stay and confront the cold, hard truth, whatever it turned out to be. Maybe he loved me, maybe he didn'tI was equally scared of either outcome and Gina just made it easier to run. As usual, I held Gina's hand on the plane ride, feeling her nails dig in with each wave of turbulence. Flying up there, high above the world, I felt grateful to have a friend like her. She'd stuck with me through it all. She'd been there through Devon's accident, the funeral, and helped me scrape together the pieces of my life. She'd searched for me when Kade and I were swept away by the river. She'd faced her worst fear, flying alone to Vancouver to make sure I was okay and to support me in whatever decision I decided to make. I felt truly loved. Everyone needed a friend like her. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She glanced at me uncertainly. "What was that for?" "Everything." The atmosphere was subdued in the common room of the bigger dorm house. I was the center of attention, of course, and felt a little overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern from the staff members. Momma Jeanne swept me up in a massive hug that lifted me off my feet. "I'm so glad you're back," she said. "Thank you for keeping him safe." Her voice was sharp with unshed tears. When she pulled away, she was beaming, though the slight shine in her eyes betrayed her true feelings. Momma Jeanne pushed me into a chair and retreated to the safety of the kitchen. Dinner was loud, full of overly bright laughter as people tried to ignore the empty chair Kade should have been sitting in. I wanted to keep to myself but the others kept me talking, wanting to hear all about what had happened. I focused on what we'd done during the days, and I

glossed over the nights. I did my best to hold back the tears when I told them about how Kade had sacrificed himself to save me at the ravine. Gina watched me carefully the whole time and I could tell she knew I was holding back from the way she furrowed her brows during certain parts of the story. I felt guilty that I hadn't told her about Kade yet. It wasn't like I was avoiding spilling my guts to her, it was just that I wasn't sure what kind of relationship Kade and I had or if we even had a relationship. Though I was still desperately scared for him, the longer I went without seeing him, the more uncertain I became over what had happened. Sure, he might not have been himself but I couldn't forget the discomfort of our early encounters, the playboy stories, the smirks. Was I just one more conquest, another notch on his belt? I wondered if my own feelings had been skewed by the exhaustion and the emotional strain. Maybe it had been a fling for me, too. Maybe we'd only had sex out of some twisted need for comfort. Maybe he'd used me and I'd been too exhausted to notice or care. Were we really so desperate for contact? Two lost people longing for some sort of connection, any connection? We'd been emotionally alone for so long, victims of bad luck and circumstance, left bereaved or abandoned by our exes. It was entirely possible. I couldn't quite believe those ugly thoughts, but they were persistent, repeating again and again in my head, and killed my appetite. I forced myself to finish dinner but when fresh apple pie arrived for dessert, I declined, slipping away with some lame excuse about going to the bathroom. I retreated to the porch and stopped short when I saw Blaine leaning against the rail, the glow of a smoldering cigarette between his fingertips. He saw me before I could duck away. I said the first thing that came to my mind. "I didn't know you smoked." He shrugged, taking a long drag. The smoke lazily curled into the night. "I quit the summer I started here, just like Kade. When he picked it back up in the winter, I didn't. He always tucks

cigarettes into my backpack at the beginning of each summer in case I change my mind, though. He's gotten pretty good at hiding them. Normally I just toss them when I find them. I found this one last night, rolled up in a pair of my socks. I didn't really want to start again but after the stress from the last few days, well, I couldn't help it." He shook his head, giving a small laugh of disbelief. "My socks. How the hell did he get into my socks? The sneaky bastard." I leaned against the railing next to him. He offered me a drag but I refused. I'd only smoked once in high school and almost threw up. Not even the temptation of stress relief at this point was enough to make me try it again. "You guys are really close?" "Yeah." He stubbed the cigarette out on the hard wooden railing, forming a dark scar next to a handful of similar scars I guessed were from Kade. "I mean, he's my best friend but sometimes it feels like I barely know him. It's the strangest thing. One second, he'll be all outgoing and personable and the next, he'll just clam right up on you." I thought I knew exactly what he was talking about. The door creaked open and we both looked back at the same time. Blaine seemed to stiffen when he saw who it was. Gina paused awkwardly in the doorway. "Everyone's wondering where you two are." I slumped against the railing. "I don't really feel like going back in there and facing everyone. Not tonight." "I'll tell them you decided to hit the sack," Blaine said. "Night, Ash. Gina." He gave Gina a curt nod as he passed and then shut the door behind him. Gina took Blaine's place beside me. I immediately leaned my head on her shoulder. "Love you, Gina. You're the only one who's been here for me through it all." She kissed my forehead. "Love you too, Ash. You're the sister I never had." "Thanks." I smiled weakly. "I'm not looking forward to calling my folks tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to tell them."

"Just say what's in your heart." I sighed. My heart. Gina pulled away from me. "What's wrong, baby?" "Nothing. I'm just tired, worn out from all the attention. I don't think I've had so many people trying to talk to me at once since the funeral." Gina's face dropped and she wrapped me in a hug. "You poor thing." I almost laughed then, I'm not sure why. I think it was because the memory of trudging through the forest, pulling Kade along behind me, was still fresh in my mind, and here I was complaining about having to talk to too many people. Human beings were such silly creatures. Gina gently prodded me from the rail. "Come on, let's go to our room. We can talk, paint our nails or do whatever you want to do." We made our way to the small room we shared. It seemed like a lifetime since I'd been there. I couldn't even count the daysthey all just blurred together. The nights were clearer one in particular, but even that one I doubted. I changed into my pajamas, trying to forget the emotional trauma, trying to ignore the mental and physical exhaustion I felt. When Gina pulled off her socks, I couldn't hold back a soft laugh. Her toes were painted a perfect pink. "I don't know how you do it," I said. "You're always ready to gotoenails painted, hands manicured, legs shaved, hair perfectly straight. It all seems like so much work." I smothered a yawn as I sat on the narrow bed. I pulled my pillow into my lap and wrapped my arms around it. Gina shrugged, running a brush through her long, blonde hair. "It is work. But it's also stress relief. Sort of like meditation but I get something pretty out of the deal." She paused and her eyes locked with mine in the mirror. "When are you going to tell me what really happened?" I grimaced slightly and then took a deep breath. "Well." Suddenly my hands became the

most interesting objects in the world, specifically my fingernails, and I busied myself picking at each one. "We had sex." I waited for Gina to gasp in shock, or to swear, or even laugh, but she didn't make a sound. I looked up. She'd calmly replaced her brush. I crossed my arms. "You knew." "Yeah." Gina smiled mischievously. "I've gotten pretty good at reading people, especially my best friend. So you finally had sex with someone else. I'm proud of you." I rested my chin in my palm dreamily. "He's not just anyone, Gina. We had sex but that doesn't really describe it. I mean, we made love, if you can stand the sappy description. It felt... special. He made me feel beautiful. He called me gorgeous and his eyes, Gina, his eyes were so sincere. I could lose myself in those eyes, I swear to God." My lower lip was doing its strange trembling thing again and I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I'd cried enough. But he was in the hospital with a concussion and a mending leg, and I wasn't sure when I'd talk to him again. Holding in the tears wasn't going to be easy. "You okay?" Gina started to get up but I waved her down. "Yup." I bit back the tears. "I thought we had something special but now I just don't know. When he's not right next to me, I don't feel grounded or confident at all. I keep second-guessing everything I feel and everything he said. Was it real? Or was it just an act of desperation? Two stranded souls fucking their brains out to forget their problems?" I buried my face in the pillow. Feelings sucked. The mattress creaked as Gina slid onto the bed beside me. She gave me a hug. "You're the smartest, hardest working person I know, Ash. You and him will figure it out and if you're wrong, it's okay. You'll keep your chin up and move on just like you always have. You're strong Ash, stronger than you'll ever realize." "Why do people keep calling me that?" I said. "I'm not strong. I'm one of the weakest people I know."

Gina held me by both shoulders and gazed at me sternly. "Look, baby, you didn't drag Kade miles through the forest while hounded by wolves because you're weak. That's bullshit." "Well maybe there are different kinds of weak. Maybe I'm strong in body but weak in mind. Weak, emotionally. Because right now all I want to do is go back to sitting in a classroom. I want to hide at the very back, far away from the real world. I want to be invisible again. But I can't. What Kade and I had won't let me go back to the way things were. I think I'd go crazy if I tried. And if we had nothing..." My voice was becoming high-pitched and sounded almost panicky. "I betrayed Devon." Gina tweaked a strand of my hair. "You didn't betray him. You're living your life and that's what Devon would have wanted. You have to relax, baby. It's not over yet. Sleep on it. You'll feel better in the morning. There's nothing you can do about Kade right now so don't worry yourself sick about him, and stop wondering where things stand between the two of you. Tomorrow you'll get in touch with your folks, tell them you're staying in British Columbia, then we'll call the hospital and check if Kade is awake yet. We'll take things from there." "Okay." I fluffed my pillow and then threw it at the headboard with a bit more force than necessary. Gina smiled fondly and moved back to her own bed. I was glad I told her everything. I really did feel better for it. I sank back onto the soft, clean-smelling sheets, not realizing how much I'd missed a real bed until now. The wilderness was a wonderful, beautiful place, but there was something to be said about lying on a warm mattress for a change instead of the cold, hard ground. The room felt a bit stuffy. "Do you mind if I open the window?" "Not at all," Gina murmured. I did so, and the sounds and smell of the British Columbian nights swept over me. It no longer seemed cool outside. I guess I was getting used to the colder temperatures, or maybe the air

was just getting warmer. I started to drift off. Gina's voice cut through the dark and woke me up. "I slept with Blaine." I sat up. "What?" "Yeah. On the second night we were out there. You remember when he and I slipped away to look at the stars?" My eyes widened. "Gosh." "Yeah. And we actually made out on the first day. I bet you were wondering why it took so long for us to come back when the two of us went looking for a crossing." "Holy... I had no idea." "Yeah." Gina sounded sad. "What are you going to do?" She sighed loudly. "I don't know. Nothing? Everything? He's been avoiding me. You saw how he excused himself tonight when I found you two on the balcony." "I thought that was a bit strange... why would he avoid you?" "I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to find out." "That makes the most sense," I said. There was something else that was bothering me, though, and I wasn't sure how to approach the topic. Finally I just said, "Did you tell him?" Gina didn't answer right away. "No. So it's not that that sent him running." Gina couldn't have children. "When are you going to let him know?" I said. "Never? Next time we screw?" I shut my eyes. "Wow. I guess I'm not the only one whose love life is a complete mess." "Believe me, Ash, my love life has been a mess since my very first date." I lay in bed, my thoughts swirling. Gina had slept with Blaine. I almost couldn't believe it. Strangely, it made me feel a little better. I wondered how things would end up between the two of

them and between me and Kade. For a moment I imagined all four of us happy together, an extended family of best friends. Gina and Blaine would come over and hang out with me and Kade every day. We'd get married together. Gina would find a way to have kids, and we'd plan our baby showers together and walk our children to school together. Yeah, right. Maybe in a fantasy world. I dreamed that I sat on the cliff again with Kade. The ocean was spread before us and we watched the setting sun. The falcons swooped by, locked in that incredible dance of courtship. The birds did one last somersault and then broke apart. Feeling sad that their dance was at an end, I looked over at Kade but he was no longer beside me. He was falling. The crashing waves raced up to engulf him. He reached toward me, his face full of fear and pain but I couldn't catch him. It was too late. *** "No, I'm not coming home until August," I repeated for the fifth time, rubbing my forehead with one hand while I held the phone to my ear with the other. I'd already been talking to my folks for almost forty-five minutes and I was getting nowhere. They kept insisting that I come home, using everything in their persuasive arsenalfrom threats of cutting off my tuition payments to histrionics involving waterworks and we-love-yous. I almost wished I'd dialed long distance rather than collect so I'd have an excuse to hang up. I tuned out as Mom began another round of "We love you and want what's best for you." I stared at the empty chair where Rebecca had been working on an e-mail behind the reception desk. I resisted the urge to read whatever message she was writingI owed her that much for giving me some privacy. "Sweetie, we know you're still distraught over Devon's death and we just don't think it's safe for you to be in such a dangerous"

"Stop, just stop right there." I scraped my hand back through my hair and sat in Rebecca's chair. "Don't try to drag Devon into this. He has nothing to do with any of it. Look, I'm an adult, as hard as that might be for you to believe. I'm capable of looking after myself. You may not think it right now but this experience has been good for me, despite everything that's happened. I'm not fixing to leave and that's final. Y'all can cut off my tuition, disown me, do whatever you have to do, but I'm staying." I didn't want to leave and not just because I needed to make sure Kade was all right. It had become more than that. I was going to complete this internship if it killed me. I'd awakened early this morning and had caught up with Momma Jeanne and Rebecca over coffee. We'd talked about the disastrous field outing and I told them my ideas to prevent similar mishaps from happening in the future. Both of them were enthusiastic about more than a few of my ideas and I realized that even if Kade were absent for the rest of the summer, there was no way I would quit early. I had a job to do. After another five minutes, I finally hung up, promising my folks I'd keep them updated through e-mails or phone calls every other day or so. My mother had insisted on every day but when I flat out refused, we managed to come to the 'every other day' compromise. Taking a deep breath, I stood and stretched. Ducking out of the reception area, I noticed Rebecca at a desk in one of the small offices and waved. "Good talk?" Rebecca asked. I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess." I managed a slight laugh. "My folks are being a bit overprotective but that's normal. Would you mind if I made another call? I... I want to check on Kade." Rebecca nodded. "Of course. We're all waiting to hear from him. Momma Jeanne already called this morning and he wasn't awake then but it can't hurt to check again." I returned to the reception area, glad that Rebecca was staying in the little office. I pulled

out the crumpled piece of paper with the hospital ward's phone number written on it and dialed. I thought the phone would ring forever but finally, reception answered. "I'm looking for a patient in your ward, Kade Gyllenhahl. I was wondering if I could talk to him. If he's awake, that is." I barely managed to get the words out, feeling my gut twist in anxiety. "Kade Gyllenhahl? What's your relation?" "Just... just a friend," I said, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks. The nurse was quiet for a moment and I wondered if that was enough of a reason to get through to his room. Finally the nurse's voice came back on. "He's awake. I'll go ahead and patch you through." My heart beat frantically as the phone rang. Three rings. My mouth felt dry and I wasn't sure what I was going to say. Four rings. I almost hoped he wouldn't answer so I'd be spared this torture. Five rings. I was about to hang up when the phone finally clicked. "Fucking phone," Kade said. "Hello?" My voice caught for a second. "Hello?" He said again. I knew if I waited any longer he'd hang up. "Kade," I finally managed. "Who is this?" I felt a little hurt that he didn't recognize my voice. "Kade. It's Ash." I was having trouble seeing because my vision had gone all blurry. I pressed my lips together, trying to keep them from trembling. I wanted to tell him I would've stayed at his side, that I would've slept there all night, that I couldn't even remember why I'd left. I wanted to tell him so many things but instead I said, "Glad to hear you're awake and back to normal." I smiled, hoping he heard the happiness in my voice. My smile slowly faded when the other end of the line remained silent. I thought he'd hung up for a second until I heard the sound of his breathing. "Kade?"

"Oh, hey. Yeah, as back to normal as I can get with this messed up leg. How are you?" "I'm good. I just, well, I wanted to check on you. I everyone here misses you." "Okay." I waited for him to say more but there was nothing except uncomfortable silence. I leaned against the desk, at a loss for words. Okay? All he had to say to me after everything we'd been through was okay? I felt like I was starting all over again, back at square one. All his internal walls and defenses were raised sky-high. It was like I was reliving the movie 50 First Dates. "What are you still doing there, anyway?" Kade said finally. "I thought you'd be hightailing it back to Tennessee by now." "What? No." I pressed my lips together, feeling a little insulted. "What kind of person would I be if I abandoned my job?" "Okay," he said. I was starting to hate that word. "Well, tell everyone I'm fine. The doc is keeping me here for a while longer on observation. I'm not allowed to go back to work, though, so I'll be stuck in Vancouver when they let me out. Six weeks, minimum." I heard another voice in the room and a flirtatious rejoinder. "Anyway, Ash, gotta go. My meds are here. It was nice to hear from you again. Oh, one thing, make sure no one from the center flies down to see me. I'm not in the mood to deal with anyone from there right now." The call disconnected with a click. I fought back the burning tears in the corners of my eyes, feeling more angry than anything else. How the hell had I fallen for that fucking con man? Slamming the phone back in the receiver, I left the reception area. I hesitated outside the office Rebecca was using, then I stepped into view. She glanced at me expectantly. "He's awake," I said bitterly. Before she could ask any more questions, I hurried out of the building. My first instinct was to go back to my room and start packing. But I wasn't going to let some foolish boy ruin my internship. So instead I walked to the aviary clinic. I'd only been there once, but something about the

barnyard smell and bright lights soothed me. The sharp call of a disgruntled bird caught my attention. I made my way through the rows of cages to the far end of the aviary where Sadie hunched over a tabletop and cared for a sedated falcon. The falcon's feet were bound and its left wing was clipped to the table. A muzzle wrapped its beak. Sadie was unwinding the bandage that secured the right wing to its body. The punk rock girl glanced at me and smiled. As usual, she wore a tank top, all the better to expose her tattoos. I felt a stab of jealousy, even though I knew Kade had probably never slept with her. She was definitely his type, though. I was too all-American, I realized that now. "Nice to see you, Ash," Sadie said. "Mind helping me for a sec? I need an extra pair of hands." When Sadie finished unwrapping the falcon, she extended the bony right wing, which was missing most of its feathers. I held the wing while she clipped it to the tabletop. Sadie retrieved a magnifying glass and began examining the down feathers. "Just making sure they're growing back properly," she said. "Is that Jessica?" "It is. Beautiful girl, isn't she?" Sadie gently massaged the down feathers beneath the splint. "They seem to be growing in the proper direction and I don't see any ingrowns. Want to take a look?" I accepted the magnifying glass and studied the down feathers closely, looking for any abnormalities. Not that I had any idea what abnormal looked like. We unclipped the wing and rewrapped it to the body. Then Sadie returned Jessica to the isolation cage, setting her down in the far corner. "We had to do surgery to pin the bones back in place. We'll move her to one of the bigger cages once she heals up so she can get proper exercise. She's young, so she has a good chance at a full recovery. I just hope she doesn't have a nest full of

eggs out there. I'd hate to leave them to the proverbial wolves." Wolves. In that moment, I remembered the amber eyes of one wolf in particular. At the time, I thought it had been Devon returned from the dead and trying to protect me and Kade. I'd dismissed those thoughts as crazy but on reflection, I wondered if maybe Devon had had a hand in it after allhe might have been using the wolves to warn me. I wrapped my fingers around the ring that hung beneath my shirt and I felt guilty for betraying the one man who'd remained true to me till the end. Sadie washed and dried her hands. "So, would you like to help out here the rest of the day? There's plenty to do." With Kade gone, I needed someone else to apprentice with. I hadn't initially intended to intern with Sadie but now it seemed like a brilliant option. I flashed her a bright smile. "Yup. Just tell me what to do." In the coming days, Kade called a few times to talk with Momma Jeanne or Blaine, but he never asked for me. I didn't call him, either. I wasn't sure what I would've said. Cry and beg him to come back to me? Yell and call him a jerk? If I kept myself busy enough, I didn't think about him much. But I couldn't forget him. Not completely. He was always there at the back of my mind, and it only took a small thing for him to come rushing back to the forefronthis name mentioned in passing, the brush of my fingers on my lips. And then I'd miss him all over again. I yearned for the touch of his arms around me and the feel of his body inside me but most of all, I just wanted to see that secret smile of his, the one he reserved just for me. Gina didn't really talk about what was going on between her and Blaine, but things were good between them againit was hard not to notice her sneaking back to the room every second night or so with a big smile on her face. I was a little worried they'd get caught, though I have to admit they were the model of professional behavior during the day. I hoped things worked out between them, I really did. I only wished Kade and I could've had something similar.

One morning, roughly a week into my new start as an intern, I was washing dishes with Momma Jeanne in the second dorm. We'd grown pretty close, she and I. Momma Jeanne was a woman of few words, but when she did speak, everyone listened. "You miss him, don't you?" Momma Jeanne said from way out in left field. I paused, dripping dish held in hand. I didn't look at her. Didn't say a word. "Thought so," Momma Jeanne said. I focused on the dish I'd been washing, and started to scrub the copper border. "There's nothing to be ashamed of," Momma Jeanne said. "He did you wrong. If you want, I'll see that he never works here again." I froze again. First Gina, now her. Did everyone know? "No," I said. "I don't want that. Kicking Kade out of here would be the worst thing you could do to him. It would destroy him." She regarded me earnestly. "Doesn't he deserve that for what he did to you?" I bit my lower lip. "I'm not so sure about that. I felt so alive with Kade. So darn alive. He hurt me, yes, but he showed me I could love again. And I'd rather know I can love than live my life the way I did before, even if the knowing scarred me. Kade hurt me, but he saved me, too. Sure, I was safe before, and sheltered, but I wasn't alive. Not really. I was one of the living dead. Scared of ever loving again. Do you know what I mean?" "Unfortunately, I do." She laid a hand on my shoulder. "Whatever happened between you two, keep in mind that he's been hurt, too, and all he can do now is hurt others in return. He doesn't mean to. It's just the way he is. Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever heal." I set the dish aside. Its copper border was shinier than it had ever been. "I think he will, someday. And when he does, he's going to make one special girl very happy." I just wish that girl could've been me. There was something about Momma Jeanne that had been bothering me all this time, and what she said just now reminded me of it. There was a shadow to her, a dark side. I'd never had the

courage to ask her before but since she knew all my secrets now, about Devon and now Kade, I felt this was something I deserved to know. "When we first met, you told me you were running away from something when you left Alabama. What?" She paused to look at me with a considering expression. Just when I thought she wasn't going to tell me, she spoke. "I was in an abusive relationship, darling." I just stared at her. My mouth was wide open. "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked." "Nothing to be sorry about, hun." She was looking at me, but her gaze went right through me as it often did when she recounted the past. "That relationship broke me, it did. I couldn't be with anyone else. Not ever again. I tried. Gosh darn, I did. Ran north, state by state, until I hit Canada. Years went by, but no matter where I went, I couldn't escape my past. In Vancouver, I met the sweetest boy. He waited longer than anyone else, longer than anyone could reasonably be expected to wait. He even defended me when my abusive ex showed up announced. But in the end, I just couldn't give myself to him." Momma Jeanne pressed her lips together and shook her head. Her eyes were glistening. "I'll always regret giving him up. Not a day passes where I don't think about his easy smile, or the special glint he had in eyes just for me." My heart went out to her. "Oh, Momma." I gave her a hug. A tight hug. Both of our hands were dripping wet from the dishes but we barely noticed. Our faces were wet, too. When we broke apart I spotted Blaine walking in the hall outside. I wondered how much he'd overheard. I quickly wiped my face, but he walked on past and ducked into the room I knew was assigned to Kade. A few minutes later he came out with a packed duffel bag and tossed it onto the kitchen floor. He gave us a polite nod. "Morning, ladies." Blaine poured himself a steaming mug of

coffee and leaned against the doorframe. He was acting like he hadn't heard a thing. Maybe he hadn't. "Don should be here in a few minutes," Blaine continued. "He's taking me down to Vancouver for the weekend to help Kade get moved back to the apartment." "They're releasing him?" Despite everything that had happened, I found myself perking up a little, eager for news on Kade. Blaine nodded. "Yeah. Apparently they got tired of his constant bitching." He chuckled. "He doesn't know it yet but his little brother is going to be staying at the apartment with him. A little arrangement I set up." Momma Jeanne snorted. "Kade's not going to be very happy about that." She was already back to her ebullient self. Some people were really good at burying their pain. I wished I was one of them. Blaine smiled ironically. "Ah, yes. Brotherly love." Momma Jeanne washed another dish. "Suppose he needs a little kick in the pants now and then to be reminded of the importance of family. Among other things." She gave me a knowing look. "True enough," Blaine said. "Anyway, it can't be helped. I'm busy here and I don't want him alone while he's recoveringhe can barely get to the bathroom on his own, much less to his physical therapy sessions. You've seen the pictures of his brace, right? Tearing the ligaments in your knee isn't a fun thing. At least his concussion wasn't anything serious." I had the impression Blaine said most of that for my benefit because I hadn't asked anyone how Kade was doing, not after that phone call. Momma Jeanne nodded. "Poor kid." Yes, poor Kade. Despite everything, my heart went out to him. He could hardly walk, and needed someone to help him to the bathroom. Even so, I felt angry and more than a little jealous

that he'd kept in touch with everyone except me. Though I guess the lack of contact was as much my fault as his. I glanced between Momma Jeanne and Blaine. "Wait a second. What does he have against his brother?" Momma Jeanne frowned. "Nothing and everything. Jed's a real sweet kid. Great student, does everything his parents askbut there's your problem right there." "I don't understand." Blaine answered for her. "Sometimes Kade feels like he's living in his younger brother's shadow. That he'll never be good enough, at least in his parents' eyes." Momma Jeanne nodded, then beckoned toward the hall. "Best not to keep Don waiting, Blaine. I'll see you out." After they left, I finished washing and drying the dishes on my own. This brother of Kade's sounded exactly like me, unfortunately. Maybe that's why Kade had changed his mind about me. Was he afraid of living in my shadow? No. I wasn't going to do this. I was through second-guessing every single one of his actions and motives, and my own. It was over. Kade and I had nothing. I felt the tears coming but I fought them for all I was worth. Everyone always called me strong but deep inside I was weak. Why did Kade have to do this to me? Why? In the distance, I heard the sound of the small plane taking off. Blaine would be in Vancouver after a couple of hours. With Kade. I felt my heart hardening. Kade. He'd shown me I could love again. He'd set me free.

And then he'd left me. I told Momma Jeanne that I was better off than I was before, and it was true. I just wished it didn't hurt so much.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Kade
I grinned from ear to ear when Blaine walked into the hospital room. I was totally itching to get out of this place. "Incoming!" Blaine said. I barely managed to catch the duffel bag he chucked at my head. I glared at him for a second but I couldn't be too pissed, not when he brought my stuff all this way. I practically ripped the bag open, pawing out a set of real clothes to replace the itchy, paper-thin hospital gown I'd been stuck inside since I woke up. Blaine sat down. "It's good to see your ugly face, Kade." I stripped off the gown, grunting in reply. Blaine chuckled. "Bro, seriously, you look like crap on a stick." "You would, too, if you spent the last week in the hospital." I worried that my muscles had atrophied worse than I thought but glancing down I saw things weren't too bad. My eight-pack had become a six-pack, though. Lying around all day eating hospital food was definitely not good for the abs. I dragged a shirt over my head and joked, "Is everything falling apart without me at the center?" "Surprisingly, no. Things are grinding along as normal, if far less interesting without you around. By the way, I've been smoking an extra cigarette each night in your honor." "Great. Thanks. I knew I could count on you, champ. And I'm glad to hear you're smoking

again. You just needed a little time and the proper motivation." "Sure, Kade." I hadn't been allowed to smoke during my recovery here, not even outside, so I made it my first priority to bum a cigarette off Blaine when we were out of here. I started dragging on the pair of sweatpants from the duffel bag. Blaine looked away and pretended not to notice the effort it took me. I made small, pained noisesif I moved too much or too fast, my leg hurt. Damn ligaments inside my dislocated knee were going to take a long time to heal. I grumbled under my breath and finally managed to dress myself. I hated feeling like an invalid. "You signed the release forms already?" Blaine said. "Couldn't do it fast enough." I hopped toward the bedside table, nearly falling along the way. Blaine shook his head. "Do I need to get you a wheelchair or something?" "Like hell. I may be slow as fuck but I can get around on my own. Why? I got these." I picked up the crutches from the table and shoved them under my armpits. The crutches had padding on top but still hurt my underarms pretty bad. Ah, well, I just had to grin and bear it. Slowly, we made our way out of the hospital and down to the parkade. Thank God for elevators. I wasn't supposed to put any pressure on the knee, even with crutches, so with each step I kind of swung my foot forward, using the crutches as my second 'legs.' When we finally reached the Jeep, I plunked myself heavily into the passenger side and set the crutches down. Blaine lit me a cigarette and I was in heaven. I leaned on the headrest and sighed, feeling like I was out of prison or something. "So, come on, how is everyone?" I took a long drag. Blaine glanced at me. There was a knowing glint in his eyeshe knew what I was really

asking. He hadn't been my friend for the past three years for nothing. "Momma Jeanne and Sadie have been keeping Ash busy. Hate to say it but she's a wreck. Tries pretty hard not to show it, though. Tell me somethingwhat happened between you two out there?" I wasn't sure how to answer. I didn't really know what had happened myself. "Nothing. I treated her the way I treat everyone else. I didn't touch her." I was muttering now and I knew that was bad. I always muttered when I lied. "Oh." He knew. Damn him, but Blaine knew. I stared down at the floor mats. "She's incredible, Blaine. She's strong and amazingly gorgeous but everything's different when you're alone and scared. I have no idea how she'd see me now." "If you're not sure, why don't you ask her?" He glanced at me but I didn't answer. "What the hell did you say when she called you? She was all concerned about you when you were doped up and unconscious. Gina practically had to drag her from your bedside. But then after she called, everything changed. She never talked about you and whenever someone said your name, her eyes would light up but then go dark. You shut her out, didn't you? Something you've gotten extremely good at." I nodded miserably. "I had to. It was only a matter of time before one of us got hurt. Better that she goes home and forgets about me. She'll find someone better in Tennessee, some doctor or something." "Do you honestly believe that?" "I I don't know." "If there was anything between the two of you, you owe it to yourself to try again. Hell, would you really be able to live with yourself if you let her get away without even trying? Don't piss away this chance, Kade. I remember how miserable you were last winter." I didn't reply, letting the silence grow so uncomfortable that Blaine finally tsked aloud and

turned on the radio. The National's "I Need My Girl" was playing. How appropriate. I almost changed the station but I forced myself to listen to those lyrics, forced myself to tear my heart out. I deserved this for letting her go. Blaine finally arrived at our apartment building and shut off the radio. Neither of us broke the contemplative silence that followed. Throughout the summer we kept the apartment rented in our name because it was hard to find a good place at a decent price in Vancouver. We usually sublet our place to a friend of mine from the bar but he was backpacking across Europe this year. We'd decided to take the hit rather than rent it out to some deadbeat. The fact that the three-story building didn't have an elevator never bothered me before. Unfortunately, our apartment was on the third floorwhen you had a pair of crutches, three flights of stairs might as well be an eternity. I conceded to letting Blaine help me up the stairs. It was a slow, agonizing process, and I was completely wiped by the time we reached our floor. I leaned against the wall while Blaine fumbled for the key, then I staggered inside using the crutch-walk I'd learned. My room was in as much of a mess as I'd left it, with a blanket kicked to the bottom of the bed, the clothes I'd worn the day before leaving scattered on the carpet, a box of cigarettes on the nightstand. It smelled a little musty in there so I made my way to the window and shoved it open. "Here." Blaine stood in the doorway. Apparently he'd already gone back to the Jeep to fetch my old, beaten backpack. It was still spattered with mud in places from my adventure in the woods. He came in and set it down at the foot of my bed. "Chuck your dirty clothes by the door and I'll run a load of laundry. I'm only here for tonight so take advantage of my maid service while you can." "Thanks, Mom," I drawled, though I admit I was grateful. I wasn't sure what I'd do when he was gone. Navigating the stairs on my own to buy groceries and visit the therapy sessions was

going to be a bitch. I sat down on the edge of the bed and hauled the backpack up. It felt heavier than I remembered. Holy atrophy, batman, had I really lost so much muscle? Straining, I dropped the backpack onto the sheets beside me. I opened the bag. The rough carving I'd started while stranded in the woods with Ash was on top, and beside it lay my pocketknife. I was wondering where those had gone. The carving didn't look like much right now but I could still see the shape in the wood I'd been trying to bring out. There was a sharp buzz on the intercom just then and I heard Blaine beep someone in. I grabbed my crutches and hoisted myself back up, muttering a profanity under my breath as the things chafed my armpits. "Who's that?" I asked Blaine when I reached the hall. I was worried for a second that it might be my mom or my dad. Not that they'd ever come here. Blaine glanced over his shoulder. He had a sneaky look in his eyes. "Your babysitter." A knock echoed in the hall and Blaine opened the door, ushering someone inside. I met a pair of green eyes all too similar to my own and my mood darkened. "No way in hell," I snapped. "Nice to see you too, Kade." It was the slightly taller, slimmer version of memy younger brother Jed. The clean-cut kid my parents loved. "I'm looking forward to taking care of you for the next five weeks." I stared at Blaine accusingly. "This is your idea, isn't it? Why the hell would you ask him to do this?" Blaine crossed his arms. "Because you'd never ask him." "Great, just what I need," I said. "Blaine and my golden fucking brother swooping in to save the day. Forget it. Just forget it. I am not letting my little brother take care of me. Jed, I love

working out with you in the winter and all that but having you treat me like a cripple, like Mom and Dad basically do already? No thanks." I ignored Blaine's brutal glare, ducked back into my room and slammed the door behind me. It was humiliating enough for Blaine to see me this way, but Jed, too? The perfect brother? Forget it. Through the thin walls, I could hear their voices but I couldn't make out the actual words. I sat down heavily on the end of the bed and ripped into my backpack, angrily chucking the dirty clothes at the door. Blaine wanted to do my laundry, did he? I tore the comforter off my bed, then the top sheet and tossed those at the door, too. I didn't want my family coming back into my life. I was fine. I didn't need their help or anyone else's. Just like I hadn't needed Ash's help out there in the woods. Ash. I saw her in my mind and I felt suddenly lost and heartbroken. I was lying to myself, of course. I had needed her help out there. I just didn't like relying on other people. I downright hated it. I thought about the last time me and Ash had spoken. I'd been so damn cold to her. I told myself it was for the better. I knew it wouldn't take long for her to grow disillusioned with me, anyway, so I just made it happen a little sooner. Besides, I didn't want to risk losing my job over her. And I didn't want her to lose the internship. At least that was what I told myself. Shit. I grabbed the wooden carving. I studied the piece carefully, envisioning what I'd wanted, and then fetched my backup kit of woodworking tools from the desk. Up until this moment I was never sure why I'd kept that kit here because I never did any woodworking at the apartment. That was about to change.

I reverently unrolled the kit and studied each tool. I wanted this work to be so detailed and demanding that I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. I wanted to work until my hands ached and I absolutely had to set the thing down. Blaine knocked on my door a few hours later to deliver the pizza he'd ordered but I told him to go away. I worked on, late into the night, and eventually I realized this wasn't something I'd finish in an evening. No, it would take many more sessions. When I was too tired to go on I just dropped down on my bed. I didn't bother to go under the coverstoo much work. I lay on top, fully dressed. I glanced down at my leg brace, trying to comprehend the new reality I'd be experiencing for the next month or so. I had to wear the thing at all times, even in bed, which made it impossible for me to sleep on my left or right side. Lying flat for eight hours straight always caused my lower back to ache and I knew I'd wake up sore in the morning. Welcome to your new world, Kade. Sure enough, when I got up the next morning, my lower back positively ached. Blaine left early that day, dropping a basket of clean clothes and a carton of cigarettes inside my door before nodding a vague goodbye, clearly irritated with me for refusing to get along with my brother. I didn't really care. I'd struck out on my own, leaving home at seventeen, whereas Jed was still living life as a pampered and sheltered eighteen year old. He was the boy Mom and Dad loved and wanted, not me. They could have him. I could feel Jed's eyes on me whenever I left the room to crutch-walk to the washroom or grab a snack. It made me feel so humiliated. When he was home, he was usually jamming in the living room with the members of his indie rock band, and pretended to ignore me. I acted like I hated the music, and a couple of times I threatened to kick them out, but to be honest he had a pretty good singing voice, and the songs were decent. Too bad he'd never take up music full time.

Too scared of disappointing Mommy and Daddy. This was probably the most he'd practiced with his band in months. I was grateful for the carton of cigarettes Blaine had brought because I smoked like there was no tomorrow. I often sat by the open window in my room, smoking, staring at the city, listening to Jed's band if they were home. My eyes followed joggers and cyclists with longing. I felt like some paralyzed old man trapped in my apartment. By the third morning, I finally couldn't take it. Blaine had done some kind of grocery shopping before he'd flown back to the center but he'd pretty much gotten only bread, peanut butter and milk. I was sick to death of eating peanut butter sandwiches all day. I thumped to the main room, looking for the keys to the Jeep, but then I remembered Blaine had the thing parked in long-term at the airport. Ah, well, I'd just ride the bus. "Where are you going?" Jed was alone today, and he was writing something on the couch. Song lyrics, I guessed. He had a pair of glasses perched on the end of his nose. I'd never seen him wear glasses before. "To the convenience store, if that's all right with you." I opened the front door. "Blaine can't shop for shit." "How do you plan on getting down the stairs?" There was a condescending edge to the question that grated on my nerves. "Slowly." I closed the door behind me and limped down the hall in my crutches. Getting to the stairs themselves wasn't a problem, but trying to climb down them was. Seriously, that steep descent was intimidating. I'd barely mastered getting around on flat ground with crutches. I wasn't ready for stairs. Ah, shit. I needed the exercise, anyway. There was a mosquito buzzing around the stairwell and I wanted to go before the damn

thing bit me. I hunched my shoulders, placing my crutches onto the first step below, and, holding my breath, I swung a foot forward. Almost immediately, I knew I'd made a very big mistake. I lost my balance and started to keel over. Strong hands caught me, scaring the shit out of me and pulling me back to the head of the stairs. The hands didn't let go until I got my balance again. Jed stood next to me. "Jesus, Jed," I said. "You scared me." "No, Kade, you scared me. So have you had your fun? Or would you like to try something else just as stupid, like jumping out the window?" I sighed. "Yeah. That was pretty dumb, wasn't it?" Jed smiled. "Look, I know you're not happy I'm here. You were always the independent one, wanting to show the world you didn't need anyone else. But let's face ityou can't make it alone now, and you probably won't be able to for a while. As soon as you're off those crutches, I promise you I'm gone." It was my turn to smile. "Naw. It's all right. I've been an ass. You're right, I'm pretty crazy about my independence. It's like I've always got something to prove. But you're welcome here, Jed. Always have been. I guess I have to rely on other people from time to time." It was hard saying that but it was true. Jed painstakingly helped me down the stairs. We hopped into his beat-up car and drove to the grocery store, fitting in some badly needed brother-to-brother bonding. Jed had the summer off from classes so the next day he went to his day job at some fast food joint. He returned in the evening with his band mates, bringing me a burger and fries, which I gulped down like a starving wolf. And so the days passed. I mostly stayed at home, feeling sore and hungry. I did one-arm

pull-ups with the doorframe chin-up bar I'd installed, and one-arm push-ups on the floor. I religiously followed the leg extension exercises the therapist had showed me. I listened to music, watched TV, browsed the internet. I became a NetFlix junkie. I played Call of Duty on Xbox. Three times a week, Jed helped me attend physical therapy sessions in the evenings. The sessions were aimed at strengthening the muscles and ligaments supporting my knee. After each session, I was able to flex my leg a little farther. I was slowly healing. Physically, at least. Now, if only my emotional damage would heal. I kept hoping Ash would get in touch with me but she never did. I constantly checked for texts and e-mails on my phone. I exchanged messages and pictures with almost everyone at work except the one person I wanted to hear from most. I was never really a Facebook dude but I checked it every day now, looking for any pictures from the center's fan page that might have Ash in them, and hoping to see a friend request from her or even Gina. All this was my fault, I knew, because I'd blown her off. I wanted to fix things but I didn't know how. I kept telling myself that it was better this way, and I actually believed it. So I didn't do anything. Didn't even try. Instead I tried to forget her. But it didn't work. She was always there at the back of my mind, ready to burst to the forefront. That breathtaking face, those perfect, haunted blue eyes I always lost myself in. Sometimes I wished I could go back in time to that night we shared in the tent and just stay there and relive the moment forever. That's what I thought heaven wasbeing able to relive the best moment of your life again and again. Whenever I could summon the energy and focus, I worked on the wood carving. It was going to be my greatest work. I wanted it to be perfect. Needed it to be perfect. Some days I'd only make a few little nicks here and there. Other days I'd spend the whole afternoon on it, shaping entire sections. Like Michelangelo I saw the angel in the wood and planned to carve until I set it free.

One evening when I was making supper, I heard my brother on the phone outside the balcony. I didn't pay much attention to his conversation, intent as I was on shoveling leftover spaghetti into a bowl and microwaving it. When the spaghetti was heated, I sat at the table, eager to eat. My brother's conversation floated in on the breeze and I found myself listening in without really meaning to. "Look, Mom, I'm not going to. It's not my job to police his habits. He can smoke and drink all day, as far as I'm concerned. Besides, it's not interfering with his healing, so let him, I say." I sighed. I'd never live up to their expectations, never be the son they wanted me to be. "Yeah, I should be home in a few weeks. Say hi to Dad for me... uh, no. If you want to know, you can ask him yourself." Jed hung up the phone and came in off the balcony. "Trouble in paradise?" I poked at my spaghetti, not feeling very hungry anymore. A mosquito landed on my arm and I swatted it. Jed flopped on the couch and tossed his phone onto the coffee table. "She's trying parenting by proxy tonight. 'Kade will listen to you,' she says. Well, no, Ma, actually, he won't. He's not going to quit smoking just because I tell him to." I laughed. "You know, it's not really her fault." I set aside my fork. "I sorta pushed them away." Jed stared at me like he didn't recognize me. "I never expected to hear that from you." "I've had a lot of time to think lately and I've learned a few things about myself. After Sarah's pregnancy, I guess I never really felt good enough to be their son, at least compared to you. So I pushed them away. I do that to a lot of people, unfortunately. Good people. Even you." I stared at my fork. "Thanks, Jed. For teaching me I can't go through life alone. That I have to stop pushing people away and actually have to rely on them now and then. But most of all, thanks for teaching me that I am good enough."

Finally, the day came when the therapist pronounced me fit to remove the brace. I was ecstatic. I'd known I was getting stronger and I rarely felt any pain these days when doing the rehabilitation exercises. The physical therapist had been saying for weeks that I was coming along faster than expected and now I was being rewarded for my dedication. I texted Blaine the good news and he showed up a few days later to pick me up, just in time to watch me give Jed a crutch-free hug before he left for good. "Thanks for everything, Jed," I said. "You, too, Kade. I'll keep in touch." "You better." I watched Jed vanish down the hall. Blaine was giving me a weird look. "What?" I said. "Nothing. I guess I never expected that you and your brother would end up getting along." I shrugged. "He's a good kid. Better than me." I already had my bags packed and Blaine helped me bring them down. We loaded them into the Jeep. Me and him were supposed to have lunch at our favorite Gastown burger joint but it took me a moment to realize he was driving directly toward the airport. I didn't say anything. I guessed Don was in a hurry to return or something. There was plenty of fast food to be had at the terminal, anyway. "Glad to be heading back?" Blaine said on the way. He was driving far faster than he usually did, swerving between traffic like a madman. "Obviously. But what's the rush?" He didn't answer. I lay against the headrest, staring up into the sky. I felt the G-forces as Blaine took a corkscrew turnoff at breakneck speed. "Jesus Blaine, slow down."

We came out of the turnoff and Blaine stopped at a traffic light. "I can't believe it's already the tenth of August," I said. "I missed most of the summer." I was still staring at the sky and noted it was almost the same blue as Ash's eyes except it lacked her fire and intensity. I'd never be able to look at the sky the same way because of her. "I have no idea what I'm going to say to Ash when I see her." "Maybe tell her how you feel?" I just nodded, scrubbing a hand over my face. That was the advice dudes always got from romance movies. And it was terrible advice. Well, terrible advice before sex that is. After sex you could tell girls how you felt. At least, under normal circumstances you could. It had been almost five weeks since I'd last seen her and I wasn't sure if I was in the after-sex zone or what anymore. "It's been eating me alive," I said. "Every time I look at the sky or see the mountains in the distance, I remember her and our time together. Sometimes I think I see her jogging in the street below or shopping at the supermarket, but it's just some random girl with the same height and hair. I fall asleep thinking about her. I wake up wishing she was in my arms." Blaine shot me a quick glance, slamming down on the accelerator as the light changed. "Never thought I'd see the day. Kade Gyllenhahl, man-whore of the year, in love." I didn't deny it. We pulled into the airport. Instead of turning into the parking lot so we could drop off the Jeep and meet Don, Blaine kept on driving toward the main terminal. He took the ramp that led to level three. Departures. "What are you doing?" I said. "Fixing your life." He pulled up in front of the United States Departures entrance. I glanced at him. "What the hell?" Blaine sighed. "Don dropped them off when I got here. You have thirty minutes before their plane leaves. They're probably already boarding. Go, Kade. United Flight 1263."

I stared at him, not understanding for a few seconds. Then it hit me. I took off at a half run toward the sliding doors of the terminal building. I cursed at the ache in my leg that reminded me I wasn't supposed to be running yet. Inside, damn security wouldn't let me near the gates without a boarding pass so I went to the United desk. Flight 1263 was full so I bought the cheapest last-minute US flight I could, a ticket to Los Angeles, and then I hurried past security. I checked the display screen that showed the departures and found Flight 1263. Gate E77. The destination was Houston and I thought for a second Blaine had made a mistake. But then I remembered most international flights had at least one stop. I scanned the display and couldn't see anything for Knoxville, so I limped along, not running anymore because I didn't want to attract the attention of security or bust my knee. I just hoped Blaine had gotten the flight number right. I made my way to the E area and passed the different gates, which seemed to be in descending order on my right. E87. E86. E85. The hall opened up into a wide concourse and I picked out Gate E77 at the far end. When I spotted Gina's familiar tall frame in line for boarding, I nearly cried out in relief. I limped to her. I was about to say her name when the dark-haired girl with blonde roots next to her looked up. Ash. It was like lightning struck the part of me that had been yearning for her these long weeks and my knees buckled. I had to grab Gina for balance. I couldn't look at Ash. I couldn't. "Kade, what are you doing here?" Gina said. "Are you all right?" I felt suddenly nauseated, like I was going to throw up. There was no way I could go through with this. You can do this, Kade. You can.

I touched my throat where the falcon was inked into my neck. I could do this. I let go of Gina and faced Ash again. God, she was beautiful. When Michelangelo was talking about carving angels, he meant her. Ash hesitated and I was afraid for one wild heartbeat that she would turn away and board the plane. Then Gina gave her a push. Ash stumbled a few steps toward me. Her surprised expression hardened, and my heart broke. "What do you want, Kade?" Ash said. I suddenly remembered everything I'd said to her the last time we'd spoken. Of course she was pissed. Shit. "I" Love you, Ash. I couldn't form the words. "I'm so sorry. About everything. I had to see you one more time." I was keenly aware everyone in the boarding pass line was watching me. "The way I treated you on the phone wasn't right. I just needed some time to think things through. I didn't want you to lose the internship. And I didn't want to lose my job. I just, I wasn't thinking. I'd like to blame it all on the concussion or my twisted knee but it was my own stupidity. I tried to forget you. Thought it would be for the best if I did. Because I was afraid you were going to realize I wasn't good enough for you. But dammit, I can't let you leave, not without a fight. I had to tell you I meant everything I said when we were together that night and when you dragged me through hell the next day. Every word." I'd taken the coward's way out by not saying the actual words again. That I loved her. Wanted to marry her. I wished I was stronger but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't face the rejection I knew was coming. I paused, groping for something else to say, anything else to keep her here a while longer. If I kept talking, maybe she'd miss her flight. But I had nothing. She looked over her shoulder at the quickly shortening line. Gina waited patiently, standing

a respectful distance away. "Kade. You had all this time to get in touch and you have to come and tell me this now, the day I leave? The moment before I board my plane?" Ash shook her head slowly. "You could have at least e-mailed me." Suddenly, words came to me again. "I wanted to, but, well, I thought it would be for the best if I left you alone. I thought you'd break it off with me eventually, anyway, so I figured I'd cut the rope myself. Because I knew I wasn't good enough for you." "That's the second time you've said that and I don't know what you're talking about." I swallowed. This wasn't going to be easy but I had to tell her. "You already had the man of your dreams once. How could I ever measure up to him? I was sure I wasn't what you'd want. I'm not a clean-cut kind of guy and I don't have a lot of money. I'm just, well, me. I didn't want to risk putting myself out there and exposing myself to hurt. I've always kept girls at arm's length because of my ex. But that's not living, is it? That's hiding." I grabbed her hand. "Ash. I am good enough. It's taken my knee getting dislocated and the past six weeks of rehab for me to realize that. Please don't go. Skip your flight. Let's talk. You and me, we can make this work. We can have something. Let's change our worlds." She slipped her hand from my grip and started to turn away. "I thought I could let you go back to Tennessee," I said, barrelling on. I wasn't going to let her go without a fight. I'd sworn that. "I thought I could let you find someone else to make you happy. But the thought of you with anyone else makes me want to die. I don't know if I can make you happy but I'll always be there for you and that's a promise I'll never go back on." I waited for her to say something but she had no words for me. I was beginning to feel the heaviness of defeat. "I had to know before you left. I understand if you don't feel the same way." I was quickly running out of words again and I knew it wasn't enough. I wasn't an eloquent person. I didn't do the whole feelings thing very well. I felt rubbed raw, emotionally bare, and I was losing her. "Please, Ash, I

made a mistake. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, if you can take me back, if we can return to that one special night in the rain..." A voice came over the airport speakers. "Final boarding call, United Flight 1263 for Houston." "I... I have to go." Her voice cracked and she turned away. I'd lost. I felt my shoulders sag and my gaze dropped to the floor. I staggered backward, feeling like the world was spinning away from me, and I flopped into one of the chairs by the gate. I glanced up, hoping I'd see her standing beside me, hoping she was ready to come back into my life. But she was at the gate desk. Of course she was. This wasn't some romantic comedy where everyone was happy at the end. This was real life, where things worked a little differently. Ash glanced over her shoulder at me as the attendant scanned her boarding pass. Her face shone under the fluorescent lights, her cheeks wet with the tears I'd caused. Then she disappeared beyond the gate into the Jetway bridge and vanished from my life. I limped to the glass and the view it offered of the tarmac. My leg complained the whole time. I pressed my forehead onto the clear surface and searched the windows of the jet, hoping for a last glimpse of her. All I saw was the terminal building reflected back at me. I stayed there, unmoving, for fifteen minutes. Finally the Jetway bridge retracted and the plane slowly taxied onto the runway. I watched it gain speed and lift into the clear blue sky. The sky whose color matched her eyes. The sky I could never again enjoy without her at my side. I turned around and limped back, going through baggage claim and climbing back upstairs until I stepped outside through the sliding doors of United States Departures. Blaine was still waiting in the loading zone, though he had a police officer giving him shit. I sat in the Jeep and Blaine told the officer he was leaving and that he was sorry for the holdup.

"You knew I'd come back alone, didn't you?" I said as we drove off. Blaine shook his head. "Nothing's certain in this world, Kade." After Blaine parked in the long-term lot he turned to me and said, "So what now?" "We go back to work." He nodded. "I'll be honest with you. Never thought you'd give her up so easily." "She's made up her mind." I looked him squarely in the eye. "But tell me something. What happened between you and Gina?" I caught a glimpse of pain in his eyes. Just a glimpse, and it was gone. "She made up her mind, too. Strangest thing. Before she left, she told me she wasn't good enough for me. A beautiful girl like that? Crazy." Wow. It was somehow comforting, hearing that about Gina. Blaine thrummed the steering wheel, an annoying habit of his. "I'm not sure we could have made it work, anyway. She's like all my exes rolled into one. Brings the word high maintenance to a whole new level. Out at the center, we could make it work because we had to be discreet, but if she came back to Vancouver, she'd suck up all my free time. Besides, she can't have kids." I just stared at him. That didn't sound like Blaine at all. The breakup must have been harder on him than I thought. "I mean, come on," Blaine continued. "I want to do all the parenting stuff. Be there for the first steps, the first words, the first day of school, you know? And I can't do that with her." "You could adopt?" I said. He glanced at me and a sad smile flickered on his lips. "Yeah." I shouldn't have said anything. The wounds were too raw for the both of us. We had to deal with our heartaches in our own ways. Provide whatever excuses and justifications we could for our broken hearts. I have to admit I wanted the parenting stuff, too, somedaymy ex had taken my kid before

I could even begin to chip away at any of it. But the key word was someday because it would have to be a long time from now, when I was ready. But even if Ash couldn't have kids, that wouldn't stop me from making her my wife. Not at all. I wanted her as she was, both the good and the bad. She was perfect, problems and all. Blaine parked the Jeep and we went to meet Don. I couldn't shake the heaviness that had set over me. Even when Don shook my hand, obviously happy to see me. Even when we boarded the small plane and I watched the city peel away beneath me. Even when the familiar vibrations thrummed through my body the way they had so many flights before. That heaviness permeated me through and through. And then the finality of it all hit me. Ash was gone and she was never coming back. My face was wet and it was only when I felt Blaine's hand on my shoulder that I realized I was crying.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Ash
I tried to focus on Professor Barr at the front of the classroom, I really did. Dressed in her usual boarding-school type black gown with her gray hair pulled into a bun behind her head, she was using the laser pointer to indicate the next line of the syllabus on the projector but my mind kept blanking out. And I thought her class last semester was bad. This year I'd be learning about the reaction mechanisms and oxidation states of alcohols, ketones and aldehydes. Class hadn't even formally started and already I was bored out of my mind. Ah, the joys of Chem 360. The scorching temperature wasn't helping, either. I was literally dripping with sweat. The cooler Canadian summers had softened me up. I bunched my damp hair into a ponytail and then wiped my brow, catching a hot guy staring at me. He gave me a wink but I rolled my eyes and looked back at the professor. It was the first week of classes and as usual, every professor so far had spent the whole block reading over the course syllabus. Ridiculous. Were we kindergartners? I could hardly stand it anymore. Each hour spent cooped up in these stuffy classrooms was another hour of my life wasted. I'd wanted this, I reminded myself. Wanted to hide at the back of these classrooms, and the world, again. I was good at hiding and making myself invisible because I didn't want anyone coming too close, didn't want anyone to see how fragile I really was. I let my head sink into my hands. Was I going to be trapped in this sad existence forever?

When would I be able to live my own life? None of this was what I wanted. These students were focused on goals and dreams that didn't match my own. Seriously, what was I doing here? I'd stayed with my folks when I got back from Canada and by the time I could move back to the residence hall on campus, I was desperate to be on my own again. At home, Mom and my stepdad Bill were constantly poking their heads into my room unannounced. Now that I was out of the house again, they called at least once a day and if I didn't answer, they became frantic with worry. It was like I'd become a little girl again. I guess I couldn't really blame them after what happened this summer. This summer. My thoughts immediately filled with crashing ocean waves tinged red by the setting sun. Then I was in Kade's arms, making love to him beneath the rain. Kade. It was his eyes that had captured me the first time we met. Dark green, intense eyes that never let go. His sharp words and defensive walls never reached his eyes, the doorways to his soul. They narrowed when he was angry, crinkled at the corners when he smiled, darkened at night when it was just the two of us. Momma Jeanne sent me a short e-mail the other day. We'd been keeping in touch, the two of us. But her last message was a bit overwhelming. I pulled out my phone and reread it.

You're all that boy ever talks about. Not a moment passes when he won't mention Ash this or Ash that. How blue Ash's eyes are. How he misses her smile. How great she was at everything she did. You get my drift. I'll only tell you this one time, darling. Do you remember that boy I mentioned? The one who waited for me in Vancouver when I

ran away from Alabama? He was troubled, and a bit lost, but complete when he was with me. I mean through-andthrough complete. Honestly, being with him made me feel whole, too. He was the sweetest thing. We could've had something great together. Something wonderful. But I couldn't love him because of what happened to me in the past. So I let him go. Don't let the past control you, Ash. Don't end up like me.

Don't end up like me. Again and again, I kept returning to that moment at the airport when Kade showed up at the boarding line. I could still see him now. His hair was longer, too long for him to properly spike and appearing tousled as though he'd just woken up. But the sheer agony on his face was what had torn my heart. It wasn't agony from his injured leg but agony from losing me. I could have done so many things differently. I'd wanted so badly to go to him, to hug him, to smash my lips into his, but I hadn't. I'd just stood there as he'd apologized. His expression and words had pinned me in place and my mind just blanked. He said he was scared but so was I. It was too much to take in all at once. Torn between anger and fear, I'd clung to the one thing I knew had to happen and that was going home to Tennessee. The ticket was already bought, the plane already boarding. I'd told myself I'd moved on. I was wrong. I could admit that now. What I'd really done was run away. I was afraid to face the promise in his words, frightened by the emotions he stirred in me. His eyes had glistened with unshed tears and yet, I'd pulled away.

I missed him. I missed British Columbia. I missed the wilderness and the work I did with the falcons. Even though Kade hadn't been physically present for most of my internship, he seemed to be everywhere at the time. Throughout the day, random people would bring him up, usually relating a story about something stupid or funny he did. When asked why Kade had done it, the storyteller usually said something like, "Oh, no reason. That's just Kade for you." But Kade didn't do anything without a reason. He wouldn't scale the cliffs above the ocean to reach a falcon's nest for no reason. He wouldn't follow the tracks of a dead wildcat back to its den and crawl inside to save the mewling kittens for no reason. He wouldn't leap into a gushing river to pull a clumsy girl to safety for no reason. He was dedicated to freedom, to risk and to helping both people and animals. He did all this without conscious thought and the people who knew him shaped their opinions of him around his actions rather than his sharp words or his rough appearance. They knew he was a good man inside. Just as I saw through all the masks and walls to who he really was within. Yet I'd pulled away. I sighed. Momma Jeanne made it sound like it was so easy to get him back but it wasn't. We were worlds apart now and not just physically. I reached in my pocket for my earbuds. Even though I was seated at the back of the amphitheater, I waited for Professor Barr to focus on the projector. When she did so, I had a quick look around to make sure no one was watching menot that anyone else cared what I was doing and then I quickly stuffed one bud into my ear. Satisfied no one had noticed, I plugged the end into my phone and scrolled down my playlists, tapping a finger on The National, one of the indie bands Kade had told me about when we were in the woods. I wanted to torture myself so I played their "I Should Live In Salt". It was a perfect song for how I was feeling right now. I'd left Kade behind. I deserved a shitty life.

I listened to the song twice. On the third run through, I stopped the song at the chorus line. What bullshit was this? With a sigh of disgust, I tore out the earbud and flipped to the next page in the syllabus along with the rest of the class. I was through wallowing in self-pity. I was going to get through this. Somehow. My phone buzzed in my pocket only seconds after I put it away. What now? With a jerk I fumbled the phone out to silence it. A couple of people near me glanced over, bored disinterest clear on their faces. The professor hadn't noticed at all. I went to my messages and saw a text waiting from an unknown number. Curious, I tapped the little icon to open it. Hey, this is Kade, I My heart beat faster and I inhaled sharply. Kade. My Kade. I blinked several times. I'd only read the first few words. I took a deep breath and started reading the text over from the beginning. Hey, this is Kade. I got your number from Blaine. Just wanted to let you know Jessica was released today. I smiled, delighted he'd taken the time to reach out to me, though also a little disappointed. Sure I was glad Jessica had been releasedI'd spent a lot of time helping with the falcon's recovery but I guess I'd hoped for a message that was, well, a little more personal. I couldn't really blame him for keeping me at a distance. I'd exited his life. I hadn't even had the courage to ask Blaine for his number. It had been two weeks since I last saw him and I was still struggling to sort out my emotions. At this point, I wasn't sure whether I was confused or just flat

out ignoring these feelings of mine. My phone buzzed again. The same number. What now, was he going to tell me how Momma Jeanne missed me or some crap like that? Couldn't he just leave me alone or cut to the real reason he was contacting me? I opened the message and my breath caught. I love you. That was what I needed to read. Kade. My Kade. The phone buzzed a third time. Every day that goes by without you I die a little inside. I shoved my chair back, causing a loud scrape, and I stood, just stood there, staring down at my phone. I think I felt tears trickling down my cheeks but I hardly noticedthey were tears of joy. "Miss, if you'd kindly sit down!" Professor Barr snapped. I looked up but her words didn't really register. I was grinning wildly. "I have to go. Goodbye, Professor." She just stared at me, gaping. The rest of the class shifted nervously in their seats. A few people giggled. I hardly noticed. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and grabbed my bag, ignoring Gina's questioning look. The professor just watched open-mouthed as I shoved my laptop into the bag. My thoughts were already far ahead of me. "He really loves me," I said quietly to myself as I hurried down the aisle. The eyes of every student followed me along with soft murmurs and nervous giggles as they tried to figure out what had happened. I reached the front and hurried out of the classroom into the hall. I heard the door open behind me and then Gina rushed up alongside me. "Ash, what's

wrong?" "Nothing. Please, I just need some time." I left Gina standing there with a stunned look on her face. Once I reached the residence hall, I took the elevator to the seventh floor and fumbled in my bag for the pass card. I shut the door behind me and stopped, taking a deep breath. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. The dark dye was fading from my hair, leaving it streaked with mahogany and gold. Most of my hair had fallen out of the ponytail I'd pulled it into during class and it appeared windswept and wild around my face. I was still grinning like a fool and I didn't mind the hair one bit. Kind of suited my mood, really. I fumbled in my bag to get my phone out and unlocked it with shaking hands. I reread Kade's messages five or six times. It took me several tries to correctly tap out a reply. My shaking fingers kept hitting the wrong letters. I think I love you, too. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders and a hundred puzzle pieces fell into place. Everything that had been swirling through my mind the past two weeks suddenly solidified into a plan. An hour later, I heard the door open. My clothes were scattered across my lofted desk as I sorted through what I wanted to keep and what I was going to leave behind. I'd usurped Gina's desk, too, because mine hadn't been big enough. I'd even climbed the ladders on the desks and put some clothes on the bunks just above. "What the heck is going on, Ash?" Gina stared at me from the doorway. I smiled widely. "I'm going back to British Columbia, Gina." Gina's skeptical expression softened slightly and she moved to sit on the edge of the desk and folded her arms. "Are you sure? What are you going to do out there? You're not just doing this

because of him, are you?" I let out a long, slow breath, trying to rein in my galloping thoughts. "No, it's not just because of Kade. Well, he was a big part of it, I admit, but I'm tired of all this, Gina, and I finally realize I'll never be happy here. I'm going to transfer to the preveterinary program at UBC in Vancouver. It might be too late to start this fall so I'll probably begin in January." I twisted my hands around Gina's. "Please don't think this is a spur of the moment thing. I've been thinking about this ever since we got back. School. British Columbia. Kade." Gina looked at me for a long moment and then hugged me hard. "Good for you, Ash. Good for you. I was wondering when you'd come around. I knew your parents were forcing you into premed with me, and honestly, I expected you to drop out months ago. I hoped you would, anyway. I just didn't think you'd have to move to all the way to British Columbia to do it! But I'm glad, I really am." She broke the hug. "I always knew you were the romantic type. Look at you, moving to Canada for a man." I nodded. "I want to make it work with him. I really do. He makes me feel alive in ways Devon never did. That internship was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I didn't want to go, and I have you to thank for making me. You saved me, Gina." She smiled widely, though I thought her eyes seemed a little sad. "Ash. I'm so proud of you. Okay, let's make this happen! What can I do to help?" I really loved this girl. "If you could look up flights, that'd be the greatest!" Gina nodded. "Done!" She moved over to where my laptop was charging on the desk. I went back to sorting through my clothes. We talked excitedly about my future, the flights, Kade. Eventually, I sat with Gina in front of the laptop and began the process of enrolling at UBC. I got on the phone with a student advisor who told me I couldn't go the exchange student path since I was switching disciplines, but I should be able to get credit for most of the courses I'd already taken. I paid the UBC registration deposit and was told not to buy airline tickets until I received my

letter of acceptance. Oops. Oh, well, I was going to British Columbia whether I was accepted or not. I was worried I wouldn't get a Canadian study permit in time but I found out US citizens could apply for study permits at the immigration desk right at the Vancouver Airport. I just had to bring my acceptance letter, passport, and a bank statement proving I had enough funds to live in Canada for a year. It took an hour of going back and forth between the phone and the web site to get everything set up. The advisor at UBC assured me their semester hadn't started yet. Apparently, classes began September third in Canada, at least at UBC. Here at UT, they'd begun August twenty-first. But all the UBC campus housing was full so I'd have to look for an apartment off campus. Next I called UT and canceled my registration. I learned I wouldn't get my deposit fee back but that was fine. Finally I put down the phone, climbed the ladder to my bed and flopped down, exhausted from the whirlwind day. "Oh, God," I said to the ceiling, which was only about three and a half feet away. "Why am I doing this to myself?" It actually wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I was finally doing what I wanted to do. I was nervous and excited at the same time, though strangely far more nervous than excited. Laughing, Gina spun around in her chair to look up at me. "Don't tell me you're regretting this already?" "Not at all." I hesitated before adding, "Maybe just a little bit." "Are you worried things won't work out between you and Kade?" I sighed. "I don't know..." I trailed off, unable to entertain the possibility. I'd been texting him off and on all day, telling him my plans. He'd wanted me to stay at the apartment with him and Blaine during the winter. I told him I wanted to start with my own place first. Though so far I

hadn't found anything that appealed to me. Either the places were too expensive or too rundown. He'd finally convinced me to stay at their apartment for the months of September and October because he and Blaine would be at the center, anyway, and I'd have the place all to myself. "Come on, tell me what's eating you," Gina pressed. "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?" I got up and sat on the edge of my loft bed, dangling my feet over the edge. My head almost scraped the ceiling. "I just, well, I'm finally doing what I want to do. I can't really believe it's real. I'm taking a preveterinary program at a school in a different country. I have a hot guy waiting for me. I keep waiting for something to go wrong and everything to mess up." Gina came over. "Nothing will go wrong." She gave my legs a bear hug. "Trust me, Ash." I started to tear up. "But something usually does. It's how my life works. It's" Gina squeezed tighter. "Ash. It'll be fine." "Okay." She looked up at me, her face reassuring. "The only hard part you have left is telling your folks." I nodded, feeling a flutter of anxiety at the mention of my folks. They weren't going to be happy. I let Gina take me out in the city and we hit our favorite restaurant, the Nama sushi bar. We talked about the future and promised to stay in touch as much as possible. We reflected on our adventures in British Columbia. I felt sad because I was leaving my best girlfriend behind. I have to admit I'd entertained a secret hope that she'd come toofor Blaine, if not for anything else. She'd gone on dates with three different guys since we got back and though she never really talked about Blaine, I knew she was hurting. You didn't cry yourself to sleep every night because you were happy with how things had turned out. Gina and I promised to stay in touch daily. I'd be visiting for Thanksgiving and Christmas

so it wasn't like I'd never see her again. But I'd miss her. I always knew one day we'd have to live our separate lives. I just hadn't expected that day to come so soon. That night before bed, after texting Kade goodnight, I sat by the window and gazed at the stars on another hot Tennessee night. I was thinking about a bunch of different things but mostly I was dwelling on what Kade had said before we were rescued: if he got through this he wouldn't be my number two. He wouldn't compete with a "dead guy." I wrapped my hands around the chain at my neck and pulled Devon's ring out from my tshirt. I stared at it for a long time. Finally, I took the chain off and set it and the ring inside a small, padded jewelry box. I closed the box and ran my fingers across the mahogany surface. Devon would always be close to my heart and I would never forget him. But Kade was my number one now. *** I pulled my car to a stop behind my stepdad's SUV and gazed at the intimidating mansion. It was a colonial-style home neatly built on an estate overlooking the Holston River. The house was painted surgical white with windows outlined in hospital-bed blue. Attached was a nine-car garage, a servants' quarters, a pool house and a guest house that was almost as big as my floor of the campus residence hall. Bill let me in a few seconds after I rang the doorbell. "Good to see you, Asha." My stepdad gave me a hug. Inside, my mom waited on the couch beside the glass coffee table, her feet crossed, her scowl in full swing. Bill joined her and I sat opposite them. "So how's your semester going so far?" Bill said. I forced a smile. "Great. Actually, that's why I'm here." Bill nodded warily. "Okay." "She wants money, obviously," mom said.

I narrowed my eyes. She was making this easy. Good. "I don't want your money. I never did. Actually I'm transferring." Mom set down her coffee cup calmly. At least the movement appeared calm but I saw coffee spill out onto the coaster. "Don't be silly." "I'm moving to British Columbia. I'll be taking a Bachelor of Science degree at UBC. It's basically a preveterinary medicine program." "Really?" Mom cocked an eyebrow. "From premed to prevet. Quite the change." "The two aren't so different. And it's what I've always wanted to do." Mom shook her head. "After what happened, I can't believe you'd ever want to set foot in British Columbia again. Since you got back, we've been calling every day to check on you. To make sure you're all right. And now" "Yeah, about that, I was going to tell you to stop but hey, you can keep calling me every day in Vancouver, too, if it makes you feel better. Maybe someday you'll realize I'm a grown woman. I know you mean well and I know I'm hurting you by moving away but this is something I have to do. Something for me for once." I waited but neither mom nor Bill had anything to say. It was so quiet, I could hear the clock ticking on the marble mantelpiece. "And how are you planning to pay for all this?" Mom said at last. "Seeing as we're not going to." I crossed my arms. "You don't have to. I transferred the UT tuition money out of our shared account to my own. It'll more than cover the UBC fee. If I watch my expenses I should have enough to last a year up there." It was Bill who was frowning now. "Are you really going to throw away all your hard work?" "I'll get credit for the courses I've taken here. So it's not like I'm just throwing everything

away." Mom was still shaking her head. "You were always so stubborn. Never listening to us. Always wanting to do the opposite of what we say." I actually smiled at that. "Do you really believe that? I listened to everything you said, Mom. Did everything you wanted. I wasn't stubborn, but a coward. I'm only now standing up for myself. One of the many things I learned to do this summer." "I knew we should've never agreed to let you go. I knew it would change you. For the worst." "It did change me. But not for the worst. Never for the worst. I'm a better person now, Mom. And... and I'm finally over Devon." "Is that what this is about? Devon? If he were still alive, you wouldn't be leaving, would you?" I exhaled forcefully. I should've known she'd try to twist and distort what I was trying to say. "Of course I wouldn't leave. But he'd want me to be happy, no matter what. I guess I hoped you'd feel the same way. To be honest, I've been living my life on cruise control since Devon died. I guess I was just hoping the other problems in my life would go away because I didn't have the strength to deal with them, not after what happened. But I can't do this anymore. I'm through living my life as an observer." Why was this so hard? I had to push through the emotional pain. Say what I needed to say. The fighter in me wouldn't let me back down, not after everything I'd been through. "Look. I love you both to death. But sometimes you shelter me from the world too much. I need to set out and do things for myself and live my life. I need to love again." I hesitated, not sure if I should tell them anything more. I decided to go for it. I owed them that much. "I met someone at the Peregrine Center. He's not just any boy. I love him. I really do. He saved me." I stood. "So that's it. I'm moving to BC. I'm sorry." Both Bill and Mom seemed shocked but I forced myself to turn around and walk through

the front door. I didn't look back. There was nothing else I had to do here. I'd already packed everything I needed when I moved to the residence hall. I guess I wasn't all that surprised Mom wouldn't support me. At least she let me go. I walked to my hybrid car in the driveway. I had a two o'clock appointment at Starbucks with some girl who'd agree to buy the vehicle from backpage. That would give me a few extra dollars to squeeze by with. I heard the door of the house open behind me. It was Bill. "Asha," he said. "Your mom will never say it but she's proud of you, I can see it in her eyes. And I am, too. Of course we want you to live your life. Of course we want you to love again. I knew you would. If you ever need anythingmoney, a plane ticket, or want us to come get you just let me know. You know how to get in touch." "Thanks, Dad." I hugged him. I knew he'd be beaming inside because this was the first time I'd ever called him Dad. When I pulled out of the embrace, I saw his eyes were misty and I hopped into my car before I did something silly like cry. But then Mom came out and I couldn't stop the waterworks. She ran to meliterally ran and I got out of my car and gave her a hug. "I love you, Ash," Mom said. "So much. You'll do well in Canada. I know you will." "Love you too, Mom," I said through the tears. I hadn't spoken those words in so long. It felt good saying them. Really good. I swear I felt an actual weight lifting from my shoulders and I knew I'd be able to live my life standing a little taller. I spent as much time as I could with Gina over the next few days. I visited all my special places in the city. I went to my favorite parks and restaurants. Took a jog through the Third Creek Greenway. Hung out in Market Square a lot. Went to the Frank McClung Museum for the first time. Took a lot of pictures from the top of the Sunsphere Tower observation deck. While I was going to miss this city, a part of me was glad to be leaving it all behind. There were some great

memories here. And some pretty gut-wrenching ones. No, it was good to be leaving. Six days later Gina cried when she dropped me off at the airport. Despite my excitement, I couldn't hold back the tears, either. I clung to my best friend at the curb. "You're going to miss your flight," she eventually said. Gina helped me get my bags out of the car and we both took deep breaths to calm ourselves. We hugged for a last time. Not the last time. "I'll see you soon," I said, though I knew the soonest I'd see her was Thanksgiving when I flew back. "Take care of yourself, Ash. And keep this new look. It suits you." Gina beamed at me through her damp cheeks and puffy red eyes. I sniffed and nodded. I'd stripped the dark dye entirely from my hair, leaving it more or less my natural platinum blonde. I wasn't sure what Kade would think of it but I wanted to be me from now on. No more hiding my true self. No more trying to be invisible. "Call me if you need anything, okay? I'll fly right out." Gina twined her pinky finger around mine. "Promise?" I smiled. "Promise." We stared at each other for long moments. If I didn't go now I never would. I gave her one last, sad smile, and then forced myself to turn around and begin walking. I gazed up at the airport terminal. It was time to begin the next phase of my life. Once I'd checked my bags and gone through security, the wait was painful. I tried to sit and read but I couldn't stay still. I spent most of the time pressed against the glass, watching the airplanes come and go. I grabbed a large cinnamon bun with extra frosting at Cinnabon, with a

chocolate mocha chillatta. It was tradition to allow myself comfort food before flying. You never really knew if it was going to be your last meal, after all. This time, no one interrupted me while I was boarding. I smiled to myself, remembering my last encounter with Kade. Kade. He'd be waiting for me at the Vancouver airport. I'd finally talked to him on the phone last night. We'd been textingwell, sexting, reallyfor the past six days and he kept asking when I'd be free to talk. I always stalled, though, I'm not sure why. I'm just a coward sometimes, I guess. But last night I told him to call and we'd talked for over an hour. He already knew my flight number so mostly we just chatted about how things were and how we missed each other. When we got talking about some of our sexy texts, his voice got so husky with promise that I had to hang up and take a cold shower. I got shivers down my spine and my face flushed just thinking about it. The plane landed in Denver and I boarded the final flight for Vancouver. I tried to sleep on the second plane but my mind wouldn't let me. My thoughts chased themselves in circles. Nervousness, excitement and impatience whirled in chaotic glee inside me, growing in magnitude with each passing moment. Finally the plane began the long descent. The minutes dragged by painfully slowly as I watched the city grow closer below. I shifted impatiently, my foot tapping a staccato rhythm on the airplane carpet. I realized my hair must be a mess so I undid my ponytail and ran my fingers through the pale golden strands, trying to work out some of the tangles from the flight. The wheels touched down with a squealing thump and the plane taxied toward the terminal. I already had my seatbelt undone when the jet came to a stop. Everyone started getting up at once and pulling luggage down from the overhead compartments. I waited because I had a window seat and when the aisle cleared I swung my backpack onto my shoulders and pulled my duffel bag

down. I shuffled toward the exit and stepped out onto the Jetway, ignoring the ads for banks and travel companies that plastered the walls. At Canada Customs, I showed my UBC letter of acceptance, passport, and bank statement. They issued me a study permit on the spot. So far, so good. Maybe things were going to work out after all. When I finally reached Arrivals, I searched the waiting faces nervously. I didn't see him. I slumped. He hadn't come. All of this had been for nothing. I pushed my way through the reunited couples and happy families, feeling my world coming apart. So much for all my carefully laid plans. I guess I'd have to do this on my own, after all. But maybe he was just late. Maybe I spotted a tall, dark and handsome figure limping straight toward me. My hands began shaking. I felt more nervous than when I'd called him at the hospital. What if he pushed me away again? No. He wouldn't. He couldn't. When I saw his expression, the tender longing on his face, all nervousness left me and I ran to him. I dropped my duffel bag and threw myself at him. I felt him stagger but then his arms were around me, holding me fiercely. Tears rolled unheeded down my cheeks. I dug my fingers into his hair and pushed myself up on tiptoe to crush my lips against his. The taste of him was overwhelming and I broke the kiss. Joyful laughter bubbled up in my throat. I was glad to see he was rocking his fauxhawk again. I ran a hand through his hair, relishing the feel of the stiff strands between my fingers, enjoying the scent of his aftershave. I touched the falcon tattoo at his throat and kissed it, telling it, "Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, little guy."

Still holding me in his arms, Kade beamed down at me. He ran one of his thumbs over my cheek to wipe away a tear. I noticed for the first time that his own tan cheeks were wet but his grin said they weren't tears of sadness. "I still can't believe you came back," Kade murmured. He rested his forehead against mine. I drowned in his eyes, his storm-tossed, ocean-green eyes. "I've missed you so much." "Missed you too." I kissed him again. I couldn't hide the desperation and longing in that kiss if I wanted to. He pulled away. His eyes drifted to my chest and I knew he could tell I wasn't wearing Devon's ring. He smiled warmly. "I'm all yours, aren't I? Ash. My Ash." "You are. My Kade." I grabbed his hand and lifted his fingers to kiss the letters tattooed below his knuckles. I must have grabbed the wrong hand, though, because the letters didn't form his name. "What... who?" I read the three letters. A-S-H. I felt my chin doing its crazy quivering thing again. "Oh, Kade." I pressed myself harder against him, cradling my head on his strong shoulder. "You didn't have to do that." He laughed. It was a rich, resonant sound that I'd heard precious few times, a sound I hoped to hear a lot more of. "Silly girl. I wanted to do it. Whenever I'm missing you, all I have to do is look down at my hand and there you are. My Ash." I squeezed my eyes shut, relishing in his touch, wishing I'd never boarded that plane to fly away from him in the first place. "I'm so happy to be here. Everything I need, everything I want, is here." We stayed like that for a while longer and then Kade reluctantly broke away from me. Holding my hand and carrying my duffel bag, he led me to Blaine, who was waiting a respectful distance behind. "Hey, trouble, I'm loving the platinum look." Blaine ruffled my hair. I ducked my head, trying to dodge him, laughing the whole time.

"Here." He took the duffel bag from Kade. "Any other luggage?" "Oh, yeah," I said. "I guess we should get it." We started walking to the baggage claim area and the two men filled me in on what I'd missed over the past two weeks. All the other interns had left the center and it was just the summer staff now. Momma Jeanne was as ebullient as ever. Jessica was free, which I already knew, but I was surprised to learn that Orion and another falcon had a brood. Kade clung to me like a burr the whole time, keeping his fingers twined through mine. I loved it. I walked as close to him as I could. Every step, our bodies bumped and brushed and that familiar electricity passed between us. I couldn't wait until tonight. My luggage was already waiting on the carousel and Blaine refused to let me or Kade take it. He hoisted my duffel bag over one shoulder, then extended the handle of my luggage and began wheeling it toward the exit. Kade and I walked outside along the street, holding hands, following Blaine. The two guys had convinced Rebecca to let them take the week off and they planned to drive to the apartment and help me get settled. We reached the parking lot. When we got to the Jeep, Kade let go of my hands and helped Blaine load my luggage. I started to open the door but Kade waved me back. "Hold on," he said, moving around to the other side of the Jeep. He had a playful expression on his face, like he was up to something. Kade pulled a big box from one of the rear passenger seats and knelt beside the Jeep so I couldn't see what he was doing. I heard him opening the box and I had to fight the urge to just walk over there and have a look. "Make sure she stays there, Blaine," Kade said. Blaine positioned himself strategically beside me. Smiling, I shook my head. "As if he or anyone else would be able to keep me back if I

really wanted to be with you." About a minute later, Kade stood. He was holding the box, which was made of plain cardboard and tied with a lopsided piece of ribbon. I hid a smile at the crooked, uneven bow formed by the ribbon, knowing he'd put the thing on just now. He limped over to me, holding the box in both hands. "Curious?" "Definitely." "Inside you'll find another two falcons who need your help." He grinned, showing off that sexy dimple of his, and he offered me the box. Still smiling, I carefully took the big box from him. I wondered what he was playing at. I knew there couldn't be real falcons inside because the box was too light. I set the thing down and slowly untied the ribbon, enjoying Kade's obvious suspenseit seemed like he wanted me to look inside more than I did myself. I slid the silky length of ribbon between my fingers in appreciation, dragging out his suspense a bit longer, then I lifted the lid and peeked inside. My breath caught. I let the lid fall back and I just stared, stunned by what was inside. "It's beautiful." Acting humble, Kade shrugged. "Just a little something I started while we were stranded in the woods." I reached inside, almost afraid to touch the carving that lay at the bottom of the box. It was an incredibly detailed figure of two falcons in flight, talons extended toward each other in the act of courtship. Their wings were curled, giving the illusion that they were in motion. It was exactly like the memory I so cherished, of the two falcons racing toward the cliff while the sun set behind them. Delicately, I lifted the carving free of the tissue paper. I glanced at Kade. His smile was cautious. I ran my hands along the surface. Every detail had been painstakingly reproduced and textured: the feathers, the beaks, the eyes, down to the rough, scaly skin on their legs. He had to

have spent literally hundreds of hours carving this. For me. The sunlight flashed off something caught between the talons and I carefully extracted it. I felt a knot well in my throat when the light glinted from the silver band. The centerpiece of the ring was a teardrop-shaped turquoise accented with tiny diamonds. Kade cupped his hands around mine, holding the carvingand the ringwith me. He sank down awkwardly on one knee. "I know a lot of people will think this is crazy," he said. "They'll say we hardly know each other, that it's just infatuation. But I'm hopeless for you, Ash. And I've been this way since I first saw you, before I even met you. Even though we've only known each other for a short time, I feel like it's been forever. With you I can be myself and more than that, around you I want to be a better person. You saved me out there in the woods in more ways than you know. Even if you decide British Columbia isn't the Eden for you that it is for me, I want to be with you wherever you are. Ash Jensen, will you marry me?" I just stared at him, blinking quietly, in total shock. I felt a little scared, remembering the last time the love of my life had proposed. Remembering how short our time together had been after that moment. Kade hesitated and when he spoke again, his voice seemed edged with panic. "I mean it doesn't have to be now. I just, well, I wanted you to know I'm serious. You're the only woman I've ever felt this close to. I'll do anything for you, follow you anywhere. We can go to Tennessee. We can live in the city year-round. If you'll just" I leaned down and kissed him on the top of his fauxhawk. What else could I do? He was staring up at me so earnestly, the fear of rejection so raw in his voice, his passion so obvious. I was melting. I felt his hands relax slightly around mine and I knelt now, too. I wasn't sure whose fingers were trembling more, mine or his. I couldn't say yes. But I couldn't say no, either.

"Kade Gyllenhahl. I don't know if I'm ready for a wedding but you're the strongest, most incredible man I know. I would be honored to spend my life with you, here or anywhere. Can we just wing it for now, though, one day at a time?" His smile seemed relieved. "Of course we can, Ash. Of course. I'll just save this until you're ready." He unhooked the ring from the carving and produced a carrying case from his jeans. He fumbled the ring inside. "I'll keep asking every day until you say yes, you know." "I'll hold you to that." My voice finally broke and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks, landing on the carving in my hands. He helped me stand and my tears were silenced when he dipped me into a deep kiss. Blaine gave a cheer and a catcall when we broke apart. I flushed scarlet but Kade only laughed that resonating laugh that fit him so well. He settled in next to me in the back seat while Blaine drove us into the city. I refused to let go of Kade's hand. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes, snuggling him. He was right. We could live in Vancouver or out at the Peregrine Center or even in Tennessee and it wouldn't matter. With Kade, I was home. Thank you for reading! If you'd like to be notified when my next romance novel is out click here to subscribe to my mailing list. This list is only for new release announcementsno ads, no blog posts. You can unsubscribe at any time. Until next time, Hayden

A THANK YOU NOTE TO MY READERS

They say that great art comes from pain. Well then this was my greatest work yet. Hopeless For You started out as a rosebud of an idea that grew into this all-consuming tree whose roots had taken a firm hold in every part of my life. I worked obsessively on it. In the mornings. At night. On weekdays. Weekends. On vacation. I poured everything into Hopeless For You, heart and soul, and I finally completed my first romance novel. It was a labor of love that's for sure. The story of Kade and Ash has been floating around in my head for years now and I sincerely hope you enjoyed following them as they discovered themselves and their love for each other. I want to thank my beta readers who helped me craft this into the best book it could possibly be: Crystal Taylor, Emiko Rei, Jennifer Ramey, Lucinda Callahan, Christine Buenaflor, Apoorva Anapindi and Lisa Weir. I want to thank my editor, Bev Rosenbaum, for steering me away from the bad paths and down the good ones. Her story insights have been invaluable. I want to thank everyone who tweeted about the book on Twitter, or Facebook, or their blog, or spread the word to friends and family. I especially want to thank those of you who've taken the time to leave a review, even if it was just a couple of sentences. Every review helps. And of course I want to give a big shout out to the amazing bloggers who took a chance on a brand-spanking new romance author. Special thanks to Shaneika Morgan of ItchingForBooks for

setting up a blog tour. Lastly I want to thank you, dear reader, for buying this book and giving it a chance. You guys are incredible and I'll never forget what you've done for me. Great art may come from pain but there is no greater love and joy than what I feel for all of you.

Thanks again,

Hayden Hill http://www.HaydenHillBooks.com Twitter: @HaydenHillBooks Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/HaydenHillBooks Email: haydenhillbooks@gmail.com

P.S. If you loved this book, please consider leaving a comment on Goodreads or Amazon. Comments and reviews allow readers to discover indie authors, so if you want others to enjoy Hopeless For You as you have, even one or two lines can make a difference. Also don't be shy about emails, I love getting them, and try to respond to everyone! See you soon!

P.P.S. If you haven't signed up for my new release list yet, here's the link one more time: click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hayden Hill is the author of HOPELESS FOR YOU. When not writing, publishing, and blogging, Hayden is busy cycling and taking pictures in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. A romantic at heart, Hayden is always looking to take that one picture or write that one story that will move the world. Maybe someday. If you live in Edmonton or will be visiting, feel free to drop Hayden an email and say hello Hayden is always looking for an excuse to eat White Chocolate Cheesecake with readers :)

TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER EIGHT CHAPTER NINE CHAPTER TEN CHAPTER ELEVEN CHAPTER TWELVE CHAPTER THIRTEEN CHAPTER FOURTEEN A THANK YOU NOTE TO MY READERS ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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