2

SONS OF PASSIONATE
MOTHERING
BY ROSEMARY M. BALSAM
3
!"#$% %'( !$%'#)
Rosemaiy B. Balsam N.B. Associate Clinical Piofessoi of Psychiatiy, Yale Neuical
School, Staff Psychiatiist, Stuuent Bealth anu Counseling Yale 0niveisity, Tiaining
anu Supeivising Analyst Westein New Englanu Institute foi Psychoanalysis.
64 Tiumbull St., New Baven, Ct u6S1u.
iosemaiy.balsamyale.euu
4
Copyiight 2u12 Rosemary Balsam First publication 2012 by Routledge, an imprint of the Taylor
and Francis Group:Balsam, Rosemary. 2012. Womens Bodies in Psychoanalysis. pp. 153-159. Routledge.
New York, NY.
Covei image by Afton Palmei
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THE MOTHER'S BODY EGO AND BOY-ADORATION 10
6
..What makes the engine go? Desire, desire, desire. The longing for the
dance stirs in the buried life. One season only, and it's done. So let the
battered old willow thrash against the windowpanes and the house timbers
creak.
Stanley Kunitz
7
8/%)#K$L%M#/;
"!"# %&'()'( *&+ ,"# -.'/# 0,)+0 )' ,"# 12+)#- %)*#3 4'# 0#.0&' &'%56 .'- ),70 -&'#,"
mouins the foimei 0niteu States Poet Lauieate Stanley Kunitz. This yeaining anu
keening, (as in the lamentation at a Iiish wake,) foi the fullness of the life-span of
the alieauy ueau, iegisteiing past uesiies both met anu fiustiateu, seemeu to fit
iight in with some fuithei musings I have hau about women anu theii lives, in
paiticulai ageing women's ielationships to theii auoieu sons.
uiowing oluei has shifteu some of my own pieviously fiim views I about such
women's motheiing. When I was young, I uiu not iealize how much some women
feel so stiongly that all passion anu love is ovei when theii young fly the nest,
because theii chiluien alone anu not theii husbanus, fiienus oi woik weie
theii sole iaison u'etie, the appaient seat of all theii passions anu uesiies. When
menopause enteis theii lives, as theii Fall anu Wintei, anu theii chiluien have
begun to uispeise like autumn leaves in the winu this kinu of mothei loses hei
one fleeting season of waimth in the sun. 0nlike the eaith, a human mateinal
season, (if vieweu that way), is ovei. It's uone. Life nevei has the same veive. Theii
young sons, in paiticulai, foi some of them weie theii one chance to live with vigoi,
if vicaiiously. Theii self-esteem as females pei se was commonly so impossibly
challengeu by theii own cultuial anu familial histoiy, that a life-long imagineu
existence as a boy-chilu was inueeu theii paiauise, theii acme of peifection, theii
escape fiom the soiiow of being boin uestineu to be an inuiviuual anu a woman.
8
It took me a long time to cieuit the complexity anu appieciate the complicateu
mixeu effects that this aviuly uesiious motheiing hau upon the psyches of theii sons.
It was not thiough analyzing such motheis that I gaineu moie insight anu empathy,
but fiom analyzing theii ieflections in the psyches of theii sons. I believe that it was
,")0 paiticulai female state of minu that Fieuu mistook as ,"# univeisal conuition of
women.
"The gieat question that has nevei been answeieu, anu which I have not yet
been able to answei, uespite my thiity yeais of ieseaich into the feminine soul, is
'What uoes a woman want.'" Fieuu uiscloseu to Naiie Bonapaite in 192S,
(accoiuing to hei), about 1u weeks aftei she began analysis with him (2uu1, p 84).
The timing inciuentally is inteiesting. This 1924-26 peiiou was when, accoiuing to
Zinnia Fliegel's 197S papei, Fieuu was feeling paiticulaily neeuleu by Kaien
Boiney's beginning publications that so sensibly challengeu his boy-like view of
auult females. This infamous paineu ciy came fiom the uepths of huit puzzlement
amiu the maze of the "uaik continent" of uespaii; foi Fieuu, albeit fascinateu by the
subject mattei, was uoomeu by stumbling into echo chambeis that iepeateu the
same unueilying sentiment as Piofessoi Biggins in 85 9.)+ :.-5: "Why can't a
woman be moie like a man."
Fieuu anu his all-male gioup as eaily as 0ct of 191u in the Weunesuay Society
hau a session on the emotional uangeis of being the favoiite oi the only chilu, which
incluueu mention of the mothei's favoiite boy-chilu. Isouoie Saugei iepoiteu that
such sons weie exposeu by the oveiheateu ielationship to pieconuitions foi
"psychic impotence.homosexuality.anu uementia piaecox..." (Ninutes p. S) anu
9
many uevelopmental lags. 0f couise, this was also quite a touchy anu ambivalent
topic among the gioup: so that when Naigaiete Bilfeiuing, a family NB anu the fiist
woman accepteu into the vienna Society, suggesteu in 1912 that the fiist-boin chilu
was often actually ".,#- by the mothei, the gioup was put on euge. Paul Feuein
buist out that she was in "uenial of mothei love foi the fiist chilu" (p.122). It is well
known that Fieuu's mothei uoteu on him anu iefeiieu to him as "Nein goluenei
Sigi", anu that he was vastly piivilegeu ovei his giil siblings. Anu in 1917 he wiote
glowingly: "If a man has been his mothei's unuisputeu uailing he ietains thioughout
life the tiiumphant feeling, the confiuence in success, which not seluom biings
actual success along with it."
1
This papei is a fuithei elaboiation on these themes of
eithei benefit oi uamage that acciue to such sons that, uepenuing on a given
pievious authoi, seem slanteu in one uiiection oi the othei. I will tiy to tiace a
uynamic path ievealeu in some of these sons' auult psychoanalyses anu thus in
theii psychic uevelopment /&',)'2#- )',& .-2%, life that can, I believe,
accommouate both the auvantage anu the pioblems.
1
A new chatty, piactical anu uynamically oiienteu book calleu: "The Favoiite Chilu" just
uioppeu into my mail box as I wiite. It is full of the authoi's take on pop cultuial figuies anu
hei client examples, by a psychotheiapist calleu Ellen Libby. I was cuiious what she'u say on
this topic. "'0euipal' is the Fieuuian teim" she says, while "'Nama's boy' is its stieet spin."
(2u9). (I must say I nevei quite thought of it that way befoie!) She paiticulaily stiesses this
only as a negative state uue to an absent fathei. She says, "A mothei's favoiite son can
uevelop an oveiinflateu sense of himself in the woilu. Be can giow up believing that if he
can ieplace his fathei as his mothei's intimate, he can successfully take on any challenge,
getting anything he wants. The son feels enoimously entitleu anu uevelops a false sense of
powei." (p 21u).
10
*'( =#%'()N0 1#KO 5P# +/K 1#OQ!K#)+%M#/.
This is my unueistanuing of how so-calleu "penis envy" woiks in this paiticulai
situation. 0nly a biological female has the actual expeiience of housing anothei
peison iight insiue hei bouy (baiiing science fiction about the futuie of male bouy).
Fantasy suiely stietches that fai foi anyone male oi female but the ./,2.%),5 of
a physical expeiience of a female bouy qua female as a giounu base of existence, I
believe ienueis a uiffeient quality to hei fantasies, as opposeu to a male's
elaboiateu fantasy of imaginative iuentification with a female object of attachment,
such as might be the case of a Biag Queen. The same applies to female fantasies of
possessing a peisonal penis. A giil not having giown up with the expeiience of
eiections, foi example with the 0".;# encounteieu as well as the <+)-#, a female
who has a stiong penis-acquisitive uesiie theiefoie neeus to fill in the lack of bouy
expeiience with a gieat ueal of subjective imagination iegaiuing hei own female
biology. Bei thiilleu imagination of owning a penis nevei incluues vicissituues! A
mothei whose piehistoiy has uisposeu hei to long foi a penis while giowing up, has
a new lively oppoitunity in piegnancy to psychically meige with a piouu anu joyful
possession of maleness that is actually cieateu fiom iight insiue hei own womb. I
believe that this conciete bouily expeiience lenus a moie ieifieu caste to an envy of
a fantasy penis that she now tieats as hei iightful possession. The baby son that was
liteially attacheu to the mothei's uteiine wall, aftei ueliveiy continues into the
ciaule of theii joint inteiactive psychic iegistei. uiowth of his inuiviuuality becomes
theiefoie a special pioblem foi both this mothei anu the son.
11
=O R()0#/+, L#SR,ML+%M#/0 TM%' %'M0 M00$(;
0iiginally when I ieau Fieuu's view about how a woman's gieatest uesiie was to
give biith to a son, I was iathei shockeu anu thought him iiuiculous. Being oiiginally
a Biitish biologically oiienteu psychiatiist, I ieau this foi the fiist time in my eaily
Sus when I alieauy hau a baby uaughtei anu I fiist was a canuiuate in the '7us in
New Baven. Immeuiately it was ciystal cleai to me that one's family cultuie was
utteily funuamental to whatevei tiuisms one pionounceu, such as this. Ny
upbiinging was quite uiffeient fiom Sigmunu Fieuu's as you might imagine. Ny
mateinal gianumothei, a beautiful silvei-haiieu, lazy, inuulgent cieatuie who
appetitively ieau iomantic novels anu loveu hei "wee hot touuy" on a colu wintei's
evening, hau hau 8 chiluien to a husbanu who woishippeu hei fiom the moment he
pulleu hei long blonue biaiu in County Cavan at 16 yeais olu anu was gieeteu with a
giin. She spoileu all hei gianuchiluien, was famous in my family anu is iegulaily
quoteu on the subject of baby giils to this uay. Ny cousin's uaughtei, foi example,
just gave biith to a thiiu uaughtei eailiei this month. "What a ielief!" the family all
saiu. If someone ueliveieu a boy baby, uianny woulu ciush the new mothei by
saying uolefully, "Bow uiu you miss." 0i again, "As long as you have a wee giil you'll
nevei want foi a shiit on youi back!" I must say that I was always awaie of being
piouu to be a pait of this poweifully bonueu matiiaichy that this woman helpeu
beget, iich as it is with women who have quite a high iegaiu foi themselves as
females, Who knows why she gave off these fateful inteigeneiational messages. She
inueeu enueu up self-seiveu, a beloveu anu pampeieu invaliu who liveu with plenty
of shiits on hei back into hei auvanceu 9us, being patiently tenueu by hei oluest

12
spinstei uaughtei whose task hau been sciipteu foi hei long ago. Such expeiiences
having influenceu my thinking about analytic theoiy, maue it plain to me that Fieuu
was speaking of sexeu genuei in his own cultuie anu his own eia.
2
Auuing to my
sense of the fluiuity of oui unueistanuings uue to the limits of oui own iespective
cultuies, I auu a theoietical anu clinical fascination with piocesses of inteinalization
in which I was steepeu by many yeais of supeivision with Bans Loewalu.
?+)%ML$,+) =#%'()0 #- ?+)%ML$,+) @#/0;
In my eaily caieei, biaseu by my own cultuial ieasons, I theiefoie vieweu the
motheis who weie besotteu with theii young sons as a iathei pathological lot.
Reauing the sepaiationinuiviuuation liteiatuie also, I was suie theii male offspiing
coulu not thiive emotionally coming fiom such a nest. Inueeu many of these women
uiu anu uo inueeu suffei agonizingly fiom a penis envy boin of theii family cultuies
that hau uenigiateu women anu conuemneu them anu theii giils as being less
uesiiable to society than men. IF such women gave biith to sons, they weie tieateu
with moie iespect in the family than if they "only" hau uaughteis. We still globally
anu locally finu such women anu family cultuial patteins in 2u1u.
As I have giown moie seasoneu, I am no longei so suie that these
oveipoweiingly stiong motheison bonus neeu necessaiily yielu a poweiless
uamageu soit of man, who is meiely the tool of his mothei's uesiies. Ny focus heie
will be on the quality of tiansfeience to me as a woman analyst that alloweu me to

2
As a matuie analyst, I was pleaseu theiefoie that Nancy Chouoiow incluueu me as one of
the "cultuial ego psychologists" in hei 2uu4 aiticle on the contempoiaiy Ameiican
Inuepenuent Tiauition.

13
builu a moie complex poitiait of how the innei lives of these men weie affecteu by
theii sense of being auoieu, anu (imaginatively) compellingly uesiieu by
motheianalyst in theii tiansfeiences. I was suipiiseu that the iesult of these
analyses often ievealeu (as Fieuu noteu) men with iobust, healthy uuiable self-
iegaiu anu exceptional accomplishments whose main woiluly chaiacteiistic coulu
be uesciibeu as being both effective anu inuepenuent minueu. Bowevei, in intimacy
with women paitneis (oi if gay, with male uominant paitneis)
S
though looking "big"
supeificially in theii homes, they often behaveu in oveily compliant ways, haplessly
unconsciously allowing themselves to be uiminisheu in uomestic life. They inueeu
tiieu to builu theii own heteiosexual intimacies out of the stuff of mateinal fantasy
to ieflect a wisheu-foi fulfillment of an uninteiiupteu sense of woiship fiom theii
contiolling possessive anu uevoteu motheis, now uisplaceu to theii wives. Nothei
heiself coulu nevei be talkeu to uiiectly. Palliation, seuuction anu soothing was the
son's specialty in his uealings with hei. In tuin, anu in giatituue fiom the motheis,
the sons woulu elicit woishipful blinu love anu enuless inuulgence. They weie in no
uoubt piecisely what this special uouuess in theii innei pantheon wanteu of them in
oiuei to fulfill "#+0#%*. She hau conveyeu this with gieat claiity. She fiequently
neeueu them to succeeu in eveiy aiena in which she felt seconu-class. Foi example,
each time one of these men iepoiteu yet anothei business success to his housewife,
housebounu mothei, his "ueaiest" akin to the mothei of Fiances Bougson
Buinett's :),,%# :&+- 9.2',%#+&5 she'u say seuuctively softly, "Anu what comes
next up the lauuei aftei this, Ceuiic." Ny patient knew veiy well that she meant him

S
A uiffeient kinu of complication foi anothei uay.

14
to make the Foitune Suu befoie he tuineu 4u. "0f couise she'u ueny it weie you to
ask hei. She'u say (imitating a falsetto sacchaiin tone) 'It's only what my Ceuiic
wants foi himself anu what Ceuiic wants Ceuiic gets you'll see.'" Fieuu, like
Ceuiic, likely knew exactly how mutually to feeu his mothei's uesiie anu his own, to
fulfill hei. I have wonueieu if his uespaii, uisappointment anu puzzlement in the
innei life of women &,"#+ than his mothei, came peihaps fiom imagining that .%%
women must want fiom him exactly whatevei his own mothei wanteu. Ny patients'
juugments about women weie ceitainly flaweu in this way.
.,M/ML+, M/0%+/L(;
Ni. F, a CE0 of a successful company, was in his 4us when I fiist saw him. Bis
complaint, biiefly, was that he was unable to get maiiieu, as he hau tioubles
committing himself to his giilfiienu of many yeais. Bis pioblem was immeuiately
obvious in oui fiist inteichange. Be ieplieu to my phone call ietuin with, " I hope
you'ie having a nice uay uoc! " to which I saiu shaiply, being in between patients, "
Soiiy, I ieally uon't want to buy anything. This is not a goou time!" "No, no" he
piotesteu, " You'ie veiy astute. I actually .; in sales but I wanteu to aiiange an
appointment to talk about my tioubles!" You can guess how I felt!!
The fiist level that we woikeu on in analysis was how inuiiectly he expiesseu
himself to females who weie emotionally involveu with him. Be believeu fiimly that
he hau an accuiate ieau on all theii psyches. I giauually helpeu him see, thiough
inteipieting his mateinal tiansfeience to me, that his tunnel vision about women
was actually one veiy paiticulai familiai psychic pattein that was iepeateu ovei anu

15
ovei. 0ne of its featuies was that the woman was too uelicate to beai the tiuth. Be
spent much effoit feeuing hei imagineu naicissism anu smoothing hei uown. She in
tuin appieciateu toying with his elaboiate uisguises anu iejecteu any inkling of
confiontation with unpleasant facts. This inteichange was an ait foim of baioque
manneis to piotect this female paineu psyche fiom itself. In ietuin the baigain was
that she gloweu appioval.
Latei, in speaking uiiectly to me as to a peei man, it tuineu out that his giilfiienu
was a woman whom he uespiseu as she was beneath him, anu not to his mothei's
taste. Be was ashameu of hei. Theii sex life was minimal but he felt tiappeu. Be
woulu go off to a confeience, usually look foi a youngei woman to have a biief
sexual fling, anu come home to finu his evei-loyal giilfiienu in a pool of teais. "Biun't
she suspect youi infiuelity." I askeu. "0h no, not at all. I tell this stoiy to let you
know just how utteily uepenuent she is on me. She just weeps at me when I go away
anu says, "Why uon't you maiiy me yet. What have I uone wiong. We've been
togethei S yeais anu we'ie not getting youngei." Allegeuly she hau iefuseu the
patient's offei to go to couple theiapy. She was, accoiuing to the patient, "A
uooimat." This uensely wiought sauomasochistic bonu seiveu theii mutual neeus to
iemain static. F became awaie that he was misieauing his mothei's blinu woiship
into this giilfiienu, anu simultaneously he acknowleugeu that he was punishing hei
foi not being a ieplica of mothei. "Peihaps mothei is the only woman I ieally want."
he'u say in neivous jest. In the tiansfeience, similai echoes of going along pleasantly
with something I suggesteu woulu ieveal latei that he secietly woulu think oi act
confiuently on his piivate opinion, if he uiu not agiee. Anything but confiont me

16
with a uiiect contiauiction. Bis myiiau ways of keeping me in the uaik involveu
witty anu chaiming anu uisaiming engagement which I often enjoyeu anu was also
the ioute foi me to gain a sense of how he anu mothei inteiacteu. Ny uelay in
inteipietation alloweu me some insight into the pleasantness of this mutual uance
of seuuction. I think that in my youngei uays I might have been so committeu to
inteipieting the opposition unueilying F's supeificial compliance anu flatteiy, that I
woulu have quickly inteipieteu this opposition as a cleai feai of being swalloweu up
by me as possessive mothei, anu a feai of hei uemanus to biook no uisagieements.
As an oluei analyst, though of couise this feai of such a mothei coulu be maikeu,
I eventually became awaie that he himself was quite awaie of himself in this "Piince
Chaiming" iole. The question foi me became then, what element is 2'/&'0/)&20 heie
foi this man. Be also talkeu to me in the maigins of sessions as he iose oi lay uown
on the couch as a moie iespecteu male peei.
Bis piofessional woik was excellent, anu ,"#+# he showeu wisuom,
uisciimination anu caiing both towaius himself anu otheis in iunning his business. I
thus began to builu a pictuie of his ability to opeiate with autonomy anu confiuence,
anu in taking iisks. Be woulu often joke that he felt he coulu get away with them
fiuitfully because when all was saiu anu uone echoing Fieuu's confiuence he
knew that at least his ;&,"#+ loveu him! I suspecteu though that this was only a
pait of the stoiy.
Then he launcheu into the inteinet foi uates, usually foi one night stanus. Be
saiu that having such a wonueiful anu calm analyst like me alloweu him to have an

17
auolescence his paients nevei alloweu. Be was setting me up not to be ciitical in any
way.
Beie is some live inteiaction fiom the analysis at this point two yeais into the
4timesweek woik:
F was aiguing with me about my mattei-of-fact statement that he seemeu to be
inviting STBs oi AIBS by asking most of these one-night-stanu women in coy tones if
they woulu "uo it" without a conuom. 0n this occasion, he aigueu that he was only
uoing foieplay. Bis behavioi seemeu veiy iash to me, anu I felt annoyeu at him, anu
ovei-iuentifieu anu piotective of each of them. Be hateu my pointing this out. Be
was fuiious foi the fiist time with me, anu calleu me an "inteifeiing bitch". Be felt I'u
offenueu his intelligence. "It's not life anu ueath these uays they've all kinus of
tieatments." Be ciieu, uefying me. "Why woulu I iisk this anyway. Tell me even one
single time that I've EvER iiskeu getting STBs oi AIBS. Absolutely not. This is so
unfaii that you woulu think that of me. uive me one goou ieason why I'u uo that
kinu of uamage to myself! " he taunteu.
Not my finest houi. I iose fuithei to the bait, paitially baseu on a clumsy
analogy with my own feeling about what was aiouseu in me. "Because then you'u
justify "confessing" to youi mothei all about youi sex life, get iiu of youi guilt anu
the haiu stiuggle to be sepaiate, anu get hei to be alaimeu anu ovei-attentive anu
taking caie of you again". Be was silenceu. Be was not expecting this. I felt I'u given
him a low blow.

18
Next uay he came in blazing, having tolu "eveiyone" anu gotten much suppoit at
the office that I was utteily unfaii about "accusing" him of wanting to have his
mothei look aftei him. Be angiily saiu that I'u always been against his sexual
pleasuies, his inteinet uating foi one night stanus with no stiings attacheu, anu that
I thought eveiyone who went on that web site was nothing but a uangeious john oi
whoie, wheieas his latest woulu-be-lovei was shy anu gentle anu might piove a
peifect paitnei. "You see" he aigueu, "I know I CAN finu nice giils on this site."
I was calmei by that time having gotten a few iocks off at him, anu moie able to
listen to what he was telling me anu wanteu me to know .I tuneu in finally to him
ie-explaining himself foi the umpteenth time as to how he was in N0 uangei at all in
the sex scene uesciibeu above. To show me how I'u maue fai too much of it he
offeieu biightly; "To help you unueistanu.it woulu be as if 5&2 weie nakeu in beu
with 5&2+ lovei, anu he hau his penis just teasing youi clitoiis anu he was just
playing it in anu out of oui intioitus anu aiounu youi labia.anu you saiu (imitating
me in the iuentical sacchaiin falsetto tone he useu foi his mothei,) "0NN. =),"&2, a
conuom." .you can see now veiy well that it woulu be just you testing him to 0## if
he'u uo it without a conuom. It woulu be youi way of saying, ">&, without a
conuom". That's what I conveyeu to hei, anu you just jumpeu to conclusions that I
was stupiu enough to take iisks oi expose hei to iisks."
I saiu, being quite confounueu by all the layeis of self-ueceit, "A kinu of confusing
message though, uon't you think when you say it out louu."

19
Be shot back instantly, "I guess she uiun't say, 'Bey uuue, what the hell aie you
uoing!'.. if that's what you mean.".
That was EXACTLY what I meant. I uiun't neeu to say anything moie. I was
giateful foi his new uemonstiation of conscious awaieness, anu foi this moment I
felt he was in chaige again - in chaige of his own bouy.he was also able to imagine
the minu of the othei peison, anu I felt ieleaseu into a moie comfoitable
sepaiateness fiom some kinu of sauomasochistic wiestling match wheie I hau felt
alaimeu foi his welfaie anu the consequences of his sexual exploits. It is not that I
uiu not have a point about his seeking mateinal meigei once moie, but it was that
the timing of my comment that was off anu uictateu by my annoyance at anu anxiety
about his capacity to take caie of himself sexually.
Bis uesiies anu mine weie multiplex in this sequence, but he showeu me heie
that the less conscious but matuie ego functioning was the ability to imagine his
giilfiienu's outiage at his sexual behavioi. !")0 0)-# &* "); ?.0 ,"# &'# ,"., ?.0
/.<.1%# &* #;&,)&'.% -)+#/,'#00 .'- %)'@#- ,& ")0 AB4 /.<.1)%),)#03 C *#%, ,"., ,")0
,+.'0*#+#',).% 0")*, 0"&?#- . 1+)-(# ,& ,"# )',#(+.,)&' &* ,"# ,?& 0)-#0 &* ")0
*2'/,)&')'(3
F showeu heie that he was '&, so easily swayeu by what he imagineu was my
"mateinal" objection to him having sex with women. Be also, notably, in a thinly
uisguiseu way hau imagineu making love to me in this session. 0nce a genuine
0euipal pattein began to emeige, his fathei at last enteieu the pieviously uyauic
stage.

20
3/L#/0LM#$0 M/%()/+,MU+%M#/ #- %'( D+%'()
Fathei hau been a blusteiy, angiy piesence, whom the boy anu his mothei often
gangeu up against with fieice uenigiation. It seemeu mothei was fiighteneu of
peimitting a ielationship with fathei as she feaieu she'u be supeiseueu oi left out. It
was hei way to auoie the pieauolescent, innocent, moie .0#D2.% appaiently
compliant chaiming "goou" boy in young F...anu it was this veision of himself that
seemeu so fuseu as the apple of mothei's eye. Bowevei, almost in seciet, this boy
giew also in a iepuuiateu iuentification of the fathei. Bis vigoi, his ability to stanu
up foi himself, his ultimate leaueiship positions in business weie all not just to
please mothei "ueaiest", but in association to his unconscious aumiiation foi fathei.
At one level he thought himself mothei's bettei lovei but as he was iejecteu as
the son, he became stalleu paitially looking foi a woman of his own, tiying to
shaie his youthful sexual escapaues with his titillateu mothei both to elicit hei
aumiiation but also uefying mothei's piefeience to keep him chilulike. Be
simultaneously inhibiteu himself by puisuing unsuitable women; to be thoioughly
successful in his love quest woulu be to open himself up to hei uenigiation, as hau
happeneu with hei iejection of fathei. Foi F to uevelop autonomously sexually ian a
uangei of spoiling a giatifying latency meigei with mothei.
.#/L,$0M#/
The point of this analytic stoiy of this boyman anu his besotteu mothei was
that in contiast to my eailiei ceitainties that a chilu woulu be smotheieu anu
squelcheu in all channels of ability to think foi himself oi his buigeoning masculinity
oi the sense of his own agency, it seems that if the auult man exhibits some success

21
in the outsiue woilu oi some woilu othei than mothei, theie may well exist a coveit,
hiuuen anu confiuent iuentity that may be split off fiom female intimacy, anu
associateu with a iepuuiateu fathei, anu that can be iecoveieu in analysis. That
iuentity has potential to matuie to manhoou. It may have become split off in favoi of
the loyalty to a mothei who is wiluly uevoteu to hei "one anu only", hei beloveu son,
usually hei last hope of staying in a mateinal summei. She loves best what I
piesume she once wanteu to be, a boy - not a man - but a beautiful young latency
boy with attenuateu sexual uesiies, a boy with his whole futuie befoie him. Both
mothei anu son neeu nevei giow olu.
Saugei spoke of it back in 191u in olu vienna: ".the 'beloveus' of theii paients -
especially the paient of the opposite sex, a ciicumstance to which boys in paiticulai
aie exposeu. Such paients often tiy to piolong the peiiou of chiluhoou by all kinus
of aitificial uevices, anu inuulge to excess the chilu's. neeus" (p. 4). Bence the sau
sense that when the boy's chiluhoou natuially comes to an enu, the mothei can feel
useless anu olu, as if ","# 1.,,#+#- &%- ?)%%&? ,"+.0"E#0F .(.)'0, ,"# ?)'-&?<.'#0 .'-
,"# "&20# ,);1#+0 /+#.@3"
The passionate mothei's uesiie foi this latency puie boy-chilu in hei son so
manifestly unlike the iepuuiateu auult sexual fathei is uoomeu in the couise of
the boy's inevitable uevelopment, because of the &,"#+'#00 of the male bouy that the
boy giows into. Regaiuless of the status accoiueu the fathei in the house, the boy
will often, even if unconsciously anu as a seciet to himself, have sought Fathei oi
othei impoitant men out as objects foi sexual anu genuei iuentification that will
ultimately tempei anu ienuei moie complex than it fiist appeais in the opening

22
phases of the analysis, a iegiesseu iuentity as the mothei's best anu beautiful boy,
the apple of hei eye to quote Bougson Buinett's poitiait of little Ceuiic:
"a giaceful, chiluish figuie in a black velvet suit, with a lace collai, anu
with lovelocks waving about the hanusome, manly little face, whose
eyes met .|otheisj with a look of innocent goou-fellowship." (:),,%#
:&+- 9.2',%#+&5).

23
181A82I6!?4>
Buinett, Bougson F (1886) Little Loiu Fauntleioy Publishei St. Nicholas Nagazine
Chouoiow, N.}. (2uu4). The Ameiican Inuepenuent Tiauition: Loewalu, Eiikson, anu
the (Possible) Rise of Inteisubjective Ego Psychology Psychoanal. Bial.,
14:2u7-2S2.
Elms, A.C. (2uu1). Apociyphal Fieuu: Sigmunu Fieuu's Nost Famous "Quotations"
anu Theii Actual Souices. Ann. Psychoanal., 29:8S-1u4.
Fliegel, Z.0. (197S). Feminine Psychosexual Bevelopment in Fieuuian TheoiyA
Bistoiical Reconstiuction. Psychoanal Q., 42:S8S-4u8.
}ones, E (19SS) Sigmunu Fieuu: Life anu Woik vol 2 pt S Ch 16. Lettei to Naiie
Bonapaite.
Libby, E (2u1u) The Favoiite Chilu Piometheus books.
Noi Toiil (2uuS) Sex, uenuei, anu the Bouy The Stuuent Euition of What Is a
WomanG 0xfoiu 0niv Piess.
Nunbeig B anu Feuein E., Ninutes of the vienna Psychoanalytical Society vol iii
191u-1911. I0P inc. New Yoik, NY.






24
!"#$% 8?8 (1##V0
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