1.5.

2 Sexual adjustment

EXPECTATIONS Sex tends to take on a "forbidden fruit" excitement before marriage, which loses some of the appeal after it is legal and accepted. Couples who have remained virgins until marriage sometimes find that the "fireworks" they have waited so long to experience do not measure up to what they had imagined. The intimacy of marriage may also detract from the desire for sexual relations. Instead of flowers and dressing up especially for each other, you fall into everyday routines and familiarity. IMPORTANCE OF SEX IN MARRIAGE Sexual intimacy gives couples a level of closeness and loving intimacy they may not reach any other way. or the most part, the !uality of a marriage is reflected in the !uality of the sexual relationship. "lthough there is a strong relationship between the sexual side of a marriage and the overall happiness of the marriage, sex is not the most important thing in marriage. #owever, sexual frustration makes sympathetic understanding difficult. VARIETY OF NEEDS $ne partner usually has a stronger sex drive than the other. %iological basis for the sex drive, is hormonal. #ormones are secreted into the bloodstream and sexual tension builds up, then a release is sought. The hormonal release is more constant in males, more cyclical in females. &esired fre!uency may be different for men than for women. Commonly men seek sexual relations in marriage more than women. There is great variation among couples.

Social conditioning affects the sex drive. 'irls are usually taught to be more inhibited sexually, prior to marriage. #owever, once the wedding is over, the rules change. She is now supposed to be passionate and seductive. This ad(ustment takes time and patience. )arly in marriage, men may feel uncertainty, awkwardness, excessive sexual tension, and pressure to perform. %oth men and women may feel uncertain about the inade!uacies of their bodies. *breasts or penises too small, overweight, etc.+. #owever, remember perfection is impossible and a good sex life causes one to forgive many things. $ne partner may feel that sex is appropriate anytime once they are married, while the other partner may have a list of inappropriate times. SUCCESSFUL ADJUSTMENT ,en and women are not the same in what they find pleasurable. Since no one can read minds, if one wants to be understood, it is his-her responsibility to communicate with his-her partner. Compromise and negotiation are usually needed. Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a caring, enduring relationship. "ffection, respect, and trust are the most important parts of a good sexual relationship. Some reasons newly married couples may find it difficult to en(oy sex after marriage are listed below. /. The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to be uncomfortable for a short period of time. 0. The couple has different ideas of what romance is and the effect it has on their intimate relationships. 1. The couple is uncomfortable talking about sexuality and assume that the other person is e!uipped with mind2reading abilities and knows what the other one likes or wants.

Intimacy is only one aspect of a happy marriage. The transition from abstinence to activity may be eased by. /. Seeing physicians and having complete physicals before marriage. 0. &iscussing intimacy with your parents, religious leaders, or a counselor. 1. 3now your religious beliefs concerning intimacy. 4. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and expectations. 5our sexual relationship is (ust like other relationship6sometimes it will be good and sometimes it will be bad. The key to success is good communication and a desire to resolve problems. The key to a happy and healthy intimate relationship in marriage is open and honest communication that focuses on the good and assists the relationship to move forward into a more positive situation for both partners.

1.5.3 Power, decision-making and communication

Introduction "lthough men are generally observed to exercise more power than women with the marriage relationship today, more marital relationships in the 7.S are striving for an e!ualitarian pattern2 a balance of power and decision2making. 8otably, most modern theories addressing the marriage relationship contain 9 ideas of behavioral reciprocity and sharing in intimate relationships:. There is a ma(or impact on the satisfaction of the marital partners on their communicative interaction for decision2making and mutual influence on each other. Use o Po!er in M"rri"#e It is necessary in all marital relationships for both husbands and wives to influence their partners; behavior and emotions. "lthough the perfect <=-<= balance of power in a relationship is a near unachievable ideal, more relationships today target this goal. This balance remains a challenge to many couples. Imbalances in marital power are a primary issue in marital conflicts. "n e!ual balance *or at least an acceptable balance+ is strongly linked to marital satisfaction. >ower balance is only part of the picture. To use power wisely, one

must have an understanding of the various forms and effects of power use. $ne conceptuali?ation of of power, advanced by rench and @aven */ABC+, suggests that there are five primary bases of power. coercive, reward, legitimate, referent, and expert. )ach of these depends on how people see another in the relationship. Coercive 2 This base of power rest on one spouse;s perception that he-she will be punished by his-her spouse if he-she does not conform to that person;s influence attempt. Dhile violence and threats are one form, a far more commonly used are inferences of something desired by the other spouse will be taken away. @eward 2 this base of power rests on one spouse;s perception that he-she will be rewarded by his-her spouse if he-she conforms to that person;s influence attempt. &irect promises are is an obvious example but subtle or implied rewards are more commonly employed Eegitimate 2 7sage of their rank or title in the organi?ation as an indicator to people that the person has the right to expect certain kinds of conformance. @eferent 2 This base rests on the strength of the personal relationship. The more affection and respect one has for the other, the more that person will try to please the other. )xpert 2 based on one spouse;s perception of the other;s competence and knowledge in the specific area in which and influence attempt is made as well as a general perception of expertise.

Decision$M"%in# "nd Co&&unic"tion The nature of the communication in these different decision2making contexts is highly varied. This lead to the construct of 9,anagement Communication Style: *,CS+ by @ichmond and ,cCroskey */AFA+. This construct recogni?es that people vary in their general approach to decision making and that the individual;s approach has important, observable impact on their communication behavior. 4 ,a(or points on the ,CS continuum is employed in decision2making. Tell, Sell, Consult, and Goin. Tell 2 by the spouse making decisions and simply implements those decisions by announcing them to his-her spouse with the expectation that the decision will be accepted and carried out without challenge Sell 2 by the spouse making decisions then he-she tries to persuade his-her spouse of the desirability of the decisions. Huestions are encourage and challenges often met openly with persuasive counter

arguments. Consult 2 the spouse makes a decisions but not until the problem has been presented to the other spouse and his-her advice, information, and suggestions have been obtained. Goin 2 the spouse does not make the decision, rather the authority to make decisions is delegated to the other spouse either in cooperation with or in his-her absence. Dhile The ,CS approaches are categorical, no spouse will operate at only one point and most have a tendency to be near one point with personal factors in consideration.
Sources. Communication and &ecision2,aking Styles, >ower %ase 7sage, and Satisfaction in ,arital &yads by Iirginia >.@ichmond, Games C. ,cCroskey, and 3.&avid @oach $ther various internet resources