What religion believes in the Big Bang? Islam of course.

=========================== Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They're calling it 'Islam'. =============================== I think I'm going to convert to Islam. Apparently, it's a blast! ============================== Jesus: turned water into wine, made the lame walk again, healed the sick, walked on water, came back from the dead. Mohammed: fiddled with kids and was so fucking ugly that no images of him are al lowed. Christianity 1, Islam 0. Your move, Mohammed. ================================= During the riots about the cartoons about Mohammed, I saw someone holding up a s ign that said "death to all who believe that Islam is a violent religion" and I couldn't help but think, sometimes humour just writes itself... ================================= Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam. ================================== A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mu llah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. Ahmed asks, 'We realise it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and w omen to dance with women but, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permissio n to dance together.' 'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance sep arately.' 'So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?' 'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.' 'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?' 'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allahu Akbar!(GOD is great) Sex is OK within m arriage, to have children!' 'What about different positions?' asks the man. 'Allahu Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah. 'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.

'Sure,' says the Mullah.'Allahu Akbar. Go for it!' 'Doggy style?' 'Sure! Allahu Akbar!' 'On the kitchen table?' 'Yes, yes! Allahu Akbar!' 'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of h ot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?' 'You may indeed.. Allahu Akbar!' 'Can we do it standing up?' 'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.' 'Why not?' asks the man. 'Because that could lead to dancing!' ======================================= According to Islam, you're not allowed to draw the prophet Muhammed. So how the fuck do they know what he looks like? ====================== A scholar will read hundreds of books throughout his life and still know there i s much to be learned. But my neighbour Ahmed read one book about Islam, and that cunt thinks he knows everything now. =============================================================== A Muslim walks into a bar. No-one survived the blast. ============ British weather: it's just like a Muslim; either Sunni or Shi'ite. ================ Police are warning people to be on the lookout for Muslim suicide bombers over C hristmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new 'Alphabet Bomb'. If one of those fuckers goes off, it could spell disaster. ======================= A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven. "Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter. "Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies. "No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away." "Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter. "No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim. "Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find h im.

"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to sp eak to the prophet Mohammed." "Would you like a cappuccino?" "No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now." "Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim int o a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and Go d appears. "Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God. The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!" "Would you like a cappuccino?" "Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino - now will someon e please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed." "Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God. ================================ A French War Hero, a peaceful Muslim and the Loch Ness Monster are sitting in a bar. Who is the odd one out? The Loch Ness Monster, because there is a chance that he actually exists. ========================== A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" The customer says, "Female" The counter guy asks, "Black or white?" The customer says, "White" The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?" The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!" ========================= A Muslim in our street has doused himself in petrol, set fire to himself and bur nt to death. We're having a collection for his family. So far, we've got 80 litres! =================================================== SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE A MUSLIM. ------------------------------------------

1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to liquor. You may be a Muslim. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford good shoes. You may be a Muslim. 3. You have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. You may b e a Muslim. 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. You may be a Mu slim. 7. You consider television dangerous, but tend to carry explosives in your cloth ing. You may be a Muslim. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You may be a Muslim. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. You may be a Muslim. 10. Your pretend cousin is president of the United States. You may be a Muslim. 11. You think girls older than 9 are unsuitable for sex. You may be a muslim. 12. You find this list offensive, demeaning, insulting or blasphemous. You may b e a Muslim. ============================================================ Ik word ziek van al die mailtjes en telefoontjes ,die ik krijg sinds mijn hond een Marokkaan heeft dood gebeten'. Voor de laatste keer: HIJ IS NIET TE KOOP!! ============================================================== Er loopt een man door de binnenstad van Antwerpen. Hij ziet op een gegeven moment in de etalage van een antiquair een bronzen kat staan. Hij loopt de winkel in en vraagt aan de verkoper wat de kat moet kosten. De verkoper zegt: "100 euro voor de kat en 100 euro voor het verhaal". De man zegt: "doe mij alleen maar de kat". Hij loopt met zijn nieuwe aanwinst naar buiten richting zijn auto. Plotseling hoort hij gemiauw achter zich. Hij kijkt om en ziet zo'n 30 katten achter zich. Bij de auto aangekomen, is het aantal katten al opgelopen tot 100. Hij stapt in zijn auto en rijdt richting haven. Daar aangekomen ziet hij dat er al 500 katten meegelopen zijn. Tijdens het wandelen naar de kade komen er nog steeds katten bij, het zijn er inmiddels al 1000 en ze komen allemaal dichterbij. De man raakt een beetje in paniek en gooit de bronzen kat in het water. Alle katten springen er achteraan en een paar minuten later zijn ze allemaal verdronken. De man gaat terug naar de winkel. Binnengekomen zegt de winkelier: "je komt voor 100 euro zeker het verhaal kopen ?". "Nee", zegt de man, "maar heb je ook een bronzen Marokkaan"??? ============================================== Moalims hebben het condoom uitgevonden,ze gebruikte hier voor een schapendarm. laterhebben de spanjaarden dat verbeterd, door de darm uit het schaap te halen. ================================================