OUR KRIEGER OF GUADALUPE "ARCHER"

Written by John O.

Spec Script: 02/11/2014

741 Gayley Avenue Los Angeles, CA (206) 353-9130 OMEARAJOHNB@GMAIL.COM

TEASER 1 EXT. TUNT MANSION - SUNSET Its a cloudy evening in the city. ARCHER (PRELAP) Noooooo-pe! An ALUMINUM FOIL projectile SHATTERS through a window. CROWS flock to it immediately. RAY (PRELAP) You bastard, Archer! 2 INT. TUNT MANSION, SALON 2 1

Another ALUMINUM MISSILE whips over LANAs head, shattering an adjacent pane-glass window. PAM holds onto one of ARCHERs legs, her left eye SWOLLEN shut and BLOODIED. ARCHER swings his LACROSSE STICK one more time -- a third window shatters. ARCHER Its for the best! My god, what were you thinking? KRIEGER approaches, a NAPKIN tucked into the collar of his RUSH SWEATSHIRT. He looks out the window, crestfallen. PAM We were thinking were freakin hungry, you ass wipe. RAY (aside) Dukes. Need to order those... PAM (CONTD) It took two hours to find an open restaurant, and this is our one night off from slangin coke. ARCHER Why didnt you pick up calzone, like I asked? Archers stomach GROWLS. He looks pained, holding his tummy. LANA It was closed, Archer! We went to every cheap restaurant in the city. Theyre all boarded up.

p. 2 PAM Yeah, and if your whore mom didnt take that whore Cyril and that whore Cheryl to the ritziest fivestar Japanese restaurant in the city, maybe we could afford something better. ARCHER Mothers night out doesnt explain why you had to bring back that Rajpur curry slop. My god, that smelled worse than LANA (interrupting, icy) Indira Gandhis panties? Alll-ready used that one. ARCHER (miffed) Stop answering before me, Watson. I was going to say it smelled worse than Kriegers office mural. 3 INT. KRIEGERS ISIS LAB -- FLASHBACK A RADIOACTIVE PIG stands on a lab table. It POOPS onto a PAINTERS PALLET. Krieger dips a BRUSH into the muck and applies a finishing touch to an ABSTRACT PIG PORTRAIT. 4 INT. TUNT MANSION, SALON -- RETURN TO SCENE KRIEGER (wistful) Oh, Squiggly Pigley... Ray looks through the window, spying two crows MOTIONLESS on their backs; a third begs for death. RAY Although, maybe you did us a favor. ARCHER Maybe years of constant drinking havent completely rotted out my GI tract. My legs are weak from hunger. (beat, off Rays look) Cant we push some cocaine and put the money towards a meal? 4 3

p. 3 PAM, RAY, LANA

NO!

PAM (defensive) Save it for me, you Bogarting dickhole. Archer STRUTS OUT of the room. ARCHER Im selling four grams and eating the Lou Ferrigno of filet mignon. The others give chase. Ray struggles to keep up. 5 INT. KITCHEN PANTRY, FACING COCAINE CAGE Archer is first through the door, closely followed by the gang. Ray sits at the top of the stairs, O.S. ARCHER Im going to eat until my body literally rejects anything more. KRIEGER Funny you should mention, thats how I would get the best hues. 6 INT. KRIEGERS ISIS OFFICE -- FLASHBACK 6 5

Aiming asswards at a CANVAS, Krieger FORCE-FEEDS Pigly, la foie gras. Pigley OINKS and SPRAYS filth onto the canvas. 7 INT. KITCHEN PANTRY, FACING CAGE -- RETURN TO SCENE KRIEGER (indignant) And Pigley Pollock deserves to be hanged in the Pompidou! LANA You deserve to be hanged if you take a single speck of cocaine. Dont get high on your own supply. Its, like, the first rule of selling cocaine. 7

p. 4 ARCHER Be cool, Lana. And think of Ray. Hes been cooped up in this mansion too long. Its about time we got out for a night on the town and eat like French kings. RAY (O.S.) Cmon, Archer, I get out plenty. 8 INT. GAY DISCO HEAVEN, FAIRYLAND -- DREAMSCAPE TECHNO MUSIC BLARES. RAINBOWS and DIAMONDS (or are they bath salt crystals?) ERUPT from Rays orifices as he is passed hand-to-hand over the heads of beautiful dancing men. His euphoria is absolute. 9 INT. TUNT MANSION, TOP OF STAIRCASE -- RETURN TO SCENE Ray sits, rattled and dirty, confined to his disability. ARCHER (O.S.) Do you really? 10 EXT. DIRTY STREET, OUT. FAIRYLAND - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK Ray sits in front of THREE STAIRS. The stoop has no ramp. BOUNCER lets YOUNG MEN through a velvet rope and into Fairyland. Ray WEEPS into his brown-bagged BOTTLE. CUTE PASSERY-BY Did somebody crap their pants? RAY (fiery, drunk) Hey, fuck you! 10 9 8

END TEASER

p. 5 ACT ONE 11 INT. KITCHEN PANTRY, FACING CAGE Archer cinches one last BAGGIE of cocaine and tosses it to Krieger. Lana is furious. Pam coyly sneaks a SNIFF. ARCHER Ugh... I think my stomach acid just created a fistula. Maybe we shouldnt eat French. RAY (O.S.) Id kill for guacamole. PAM (through her teeth) Archer. Put it back. LANA Yeah, Archer. Id rather you sold the clothes off your back. ARCHER (disbelieving laughs) Ha! Sell my best suitso the fetus doesnt get hungry? Ha-ha-ha... Archer yanks a SECRET LEVER and a false wall opens. ARCHER (CONTD) Lets go quickly, huh? Youre becoming delusional. 12 I./E. ARCHERS CAR - EVENING 12 11

Its hard to distinguish between the RUMBLE of the engine and the GROWLS of Archers stomach. ARCHER Do you hear that? My stomach isnt giving me the silent treatment. Lana sucks her cheek. Pam takes a KEY-TO-THE-CITY sized BUMP. PAM You bitches want to play Slug Bug? LANA Trust me, Pam, youre already bugging us.

p. 6 ARCHER Do you know how all this could have been avoided, Lana? Lanas mute. ARCHER (CONTD) (usual progression) Lana?Lana!LANA-gwwwwhgh! Lana DRAWS her gun and pushes it into Archers open mouth. Archer smiles and takes the gun out. ARCHER (CONTD) a danger cal-zone. Heh, heh. Archer puts the car in gear and DRIVES AWAY. 13 EXT. TUNT MANSION, TOP OF FRONT ENTRANCE STAIRS - EVENING 13 Ray sits. His messy hair is hastily combed. He watches Archer drive away. RAY Hey! Fuck you! 14 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE 14

CLOSE ON, SLOW MOTION: DELICIOUS SHRIMPS arc through the air over a sizzling range. GINZU KNIVES slice through them. A perfect bowl of SEAFOOD SCAMPI settles in front of CHERYL. RETURN: CHERYL (hot under the hood) I want you. MALORY Oh, mop it up. Were talking business. The table is pocked with untouched BOWLS of the same recipe. CHERYL Do it again! Quick! Cheryl stuffs BILLS into JAPANESE CHEFs smock. His pockets overflow with money and his face is covered with KISS MARKS. CHERYL (CONTD) Cmon, Hirohito, beforit

p. 7 Cheryl pouts. CYRIL looks disturbed. CHERYL (CONTD) No, no, its too late... CYRIL Ooooo-kay, back to business, then. Malory takes Cheryls hand. A waiter sets up a SAKE BOMB in front of Cyril -- hes puzzled but curious. MALORY Cheryl, if we CHERYL Its Shirley now! Jesus. I paid the industry name-change fee. CYRIL Industry name-change fee? How much was that, exactly? CHERYL Ten-thousand stupid dollars. Cyril looks to Malory, who holds up her COCKTAIL as JAPANESE WAITER SCRAPES GOLD LEAF into the glass. Malory shrugs. MALORY The music industry is inundated with Jewish lawyers. I had to dry up the Dead Sea just to get them on the phone. CHERYL Speaking of, Im going to throw a paper towel factory down my jeans. Sour grimaces paint Malory and Cyrils faces. Cheryl GETS UP to go to the powder room. CYRIL (hushed) Name-change fee? Shes going to catch on if you make it up on the spot. Follow my lead! Fake forms and documents! Malory produces one such form. Bifocals go on.

p. 8 MALORY (reading) [Ahem...] North American Academy of Famous Country Singers audit form 6-9-U-R-S-L-F: $2 million, cash. Malory and Cyril chew on the thought in silence. MALORY (CONTD) (flat) I want twenty-five percent. 15 EXT. BUSY STREET - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING Archers car careens through heavily trafficked streets. PAM (PRELAP) Ooh! Deseret! Ow! 16 ARCHER (PRELAP) 15

INT. ARCHERS CAR -- SAME Archer holds his ear, wincing. Lana is still pissy. ARCHER Deseret isnt even a state. Stop hitting me! Youre hallucinating! Pam, in a cocaine fever, sticks her head out the window. PAM Ah! Slug Bug Tacoma! Pam WHACKS Lana in the cheek. Faster than lightning, Lana draws her gun and SHOOTS the seat between Pams legs. LANA (steely) Youve had too much cocaine, Pam. ARCHER (overlapping) Malp! Malp... Damn it...

16

Lana glowers at Archer. He cant be mad about the upholstery. ARCHER (CONTD) Yeah, Pam, cool it. Youve seen more VW Bugs than Vichy colonels.

p. 9 KRIEGER (squinting out window, sotto) Not my worst design. ARCHER Lana, take the wheel. If we find another closed restaurant, Im going to fetch bugs off the windshield and eat those. LANA Id like to see that. 17 I./E. ARCHERS CAR, RESTAURANT DISTRICT -- MOMENTS LATER 17

The car SCREECHES to a halt outside a swanky restaurant complex. Archer and Krieger pick BUGS legs from their teeth. ARCHER Now pay up! Kriegers ears perk up. Lana reaches into her purse. LANA Youre disgusting. KRIEGER There was a wager? Lana cant find any money. She looks to Pam, who idly ROLLS BILLS into fine straws. Lanas eyes narrow. 18 EXT. RESTAURANT DISTRICT STREET - NIGHT 18

Krieger and Archer walk slowly away from the car. Lana stays in the shotgun seat, Pam stays in the back. Lanas muffled INSULTS drone into the tree-lined courtyard. An ensemble gang of LATINOS surround Archer and Krieger. ARCHER Krieger, maybe you should get back in the car. Krieger locates a COCKROACH on the pavement, scoops it up and pops it in his mouth. Archer draws his WALTHER PPK. KRIEGER With the estrogen monsters? Id rather hang out with these guys.

p. 10 CLOSE ON: LATINO LEADER ashes his CIGAR on a stake-out voyeur PHOTO of Archer. He flips through photos of LANA, MALORY and KRIEGER. Each has their name affixed. ARCHER Can we help yousixteen gentlemen? SHORT LATINO We came for Krieger. KRIEGER Die Sonne scheint hell auf die Zukunft der Heimat, meine Brder. Latinos stalk forward. KRIEGER (CONTD) Well, theyre not Brazilian. ARCHER No shit, Herr Sherlock. Its a God damned cartel hit squad. They probably saw Lanas pregnant and sense vulnerability. Thats how these cowards operate. Latinos produce CLEAVERS, BLOWTORCHES, a ROLLING PIN. ARCHER (CONTD) (to Latinos) Hang on, fellasif you intend to cut out our hearts and feed them to your sun god, please kill us first. LATINO LEADER (ENRIQUE) Jou say some awful things in the presence of a saint, jou know? With that, Enrique DROPS an APRON at Sterlings feet. A Latino lights a CANDLE with Kriegers iconoclastic image. ENRIQUE (CONTD) You are the one we callKrieger del angelo blanco. Archer DOUBLE-TAKES. Krieger SQUINTS, perplexed. KRIEGER Excuse me... Krieger sucks a tooth and pulls out a COCKROACH LEG. KRIEGER (CONTD) Im sorryyou were saying?

p. 11 19 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE Empty SAKE BOMBS fight for table space with scampi bowls. CYRIL I need to (hiccup) Hang out in Little Tokyo more often. These are[hick]great! MALORY (annoyed, sober) Do you know how hard it was to get a table here? Every restaurant in the city is shut down. And, yet, wheres our little song bird? Having sex with the Empire of the Sun on sacks of rice. Yech. Japanese Chef has been replaced by a WELL BE RIGHT BACK SIGN on a mop handle. Restaurant is now filled with JAPANESE. MALORY (CONTD) I swear, if I have to say business pardners one more time... CYRIL Sake nomi dachi! Cyril SAKE BOMBS. ANGLE ON: MR. MOTO sits in a VIP corner. Cyrils antics caught his attention, but its Malory he watches. Archer... 20 MR. MOTO JAPANESE PATRONS Yabai! Yatta! 19

EXT. RESTAURANT DISTRICT STREET - NIGHT Krieger is laden with GIFTS and TRIBUTES. An angel-voiced MEXICAN TENOR sings hymnals. Krieger wipes a tear. LANA (O.S.) What the hell?! Lana walks over with Pam under her arm. Pam weeps. KRIEGER (peaceful) I cant explain it, Lana. I think I have realized a higher power. Tell her, Enrique.

20

p. 12 ENRIQUE Nuestro Krieger is right. We here, and every other poor Latino working in the city, have Krieger to thank for our second lives. What? LANA

ENRIQUE We used to be members of many different gangs, and life was so difficult. But Krieger has bestowed on us the powder of new life. ARCHER Hes a living saint, Lana. LANA Nooooo-pe. Not good, Archer. KRIEGER This was Gods plan all along. ENRIQUE Si. Nuestro Krieger spoke with Gods love after eating the sacred peyote, and he gave me trente kilos of pure cocaine. LANA God damn you, Krieger! The cocaine is for us! PAM (blubbering) Its okay! Give it all away! Im worthless, any way. You said it yourse-el-elf! ARCHER Whats wrong with her? LANA She stopped hallucinating, but eating enough cocaine to kill a hippo makes you really, really bipolar. ENRIQUE With Kriegers blessing, I helped many young men escape poverty and violence. (MORE)

p. 13 ENRIQUE (CONT'D) Mexicans no longer toil for lower wages than those with white skin. ARCHER (heaping on) You think shed be more sensitive. Lana PUNCHES Archer -- VW BUG drives past in B.G. KRIEGER (overcome with love) Dont you get it, Lana? My humble actions led to the salvation of these hard-pressed souls... Its so beautiful! Ive touched so many! LANA Are you kidding? KRIEGER If thats what we call it?no. (beat) Im not ordained yet. The Latinos do not like Lanas audacity. They bristle. LANA Archer, a word? In the car? ARCHER Yeah. Hernan, again, from the top. The CHOIR opens back up. Pams pendulum swings. PAM O!, bless me, Krieger! Please! Heal this broken spirit! 21 INT. ARCHERS CAR -- MOMENTS LATER Archer and Lana sit in silence. Latinos continue exalting. ARCHER Lana, I dont agree with the timing, but if youve brought me here for a holy blowjob Lana shudders. She looks over to Krieger. ARCHER (CONTD) I mean, there would be no lack for gratitude, but we have a situation brewing. 21

p. 14 LANA (frustration bubbling up) Im thinking, Archer, that there is something weird about this. LANAS POV: KRIEGER RAISES HIS ARMS. LATINOS AND PAM KNEEL. LANA (CONTD) Isnt it more than coincidence that Mexicans with Krieger candlesready to light at a moments noticewould be waiting for him outside a sushi joint? ARCHER Yes, Lana, of course its more than coincidence. The Blessd Krieger works in mysterious ways. Lana gives him a chilling stare. Outside, Enrique flings a KRIEGER PIATA over a tree limb. ARCHER (CONTD) (clearing throat) In fact, it was He who prophesied thou shalt bloweth upon thine waiting penis. LANA Shut up. Shut up, shut up. (beat, off Archer) And another thing ARCHER (overlapping) Miraculous fellatio. LANA (ignoring Archer) They said Krieger came to them with 30 kilos of cocaineon peyote. Yeah? ARCHER

LANA Weve been with Krieger at Tunt Manor all day, every day. A): when would he have taken peyote and mingled with the fraternal order of Mexican line cooks? And, B): how could he take 30 kilos of our cocaine with him?

p. 15 Pam RUNS up to the car. Krieger is gone. PAM Quick, guys! Theyre leading us to the church under the building. ARCHER They have a churchhere? Archer and Lana share a worried look. PAM Isnt this a miracle?! (her mood turns) I mean, it has to be, right? Otherwise, whats the point? Pam sobs. ARCHER God, I miss fat Pam. 22 INT. SHIROS KITCHEN, OUTSIDE FREEZER - ESTABLISHING SAMURAI ARMOR and STACKS of KATANAS lean on the freezer. 23 INT. INSIDE FREEZER 23 22

Cheryl lies back, weak from sexual exhaustion. Japanese Chef throws a BAMBOO SHAFT in the air and SLICES horizontally. The pieces land perfectly arranged in a serrated TOWER. PULL BACK: Japanese Chef is festooned with YAKUZA TATTOOS. CHERYL (sleepy) Sproosh... END ACT ONE

p. 16 ACT TWO 24 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, ENRIQUES CHURCH 24

Pam, Lana and Archer exit an elevator -- LEVEL -3 -- and step into a Cholo Eden. They take in the wonders. PAM (awe struck) Shitsnacks... SALSA FOUNTAINS gurgle tomato-y elixir. Archer fingers the spicy spume and sucks his finger. He closes his eyes. ARCHER Lana, table all fellatio plans. A trained COCK in WAITERs GARB brings Lana a ROSE from a perfectly manicured bush. HEAVENLY LANDSCAPER winks at her from behind GOLDEN GARDEN SHEARS. LANA How isthispossible...? ARCHER No me importa! This is, like, the opposite of Ciudad Juarez. Enrique and ERSATZ CHOLO ARCHER approach. Cholo Archer is a spitting image, though his olive skin and TUXEDO with only the TOP BUTTON buttoned give him away. ARCHER (CONTD) Enrique, this place is amazing! ENRIQUE It is all thanks to your friend, Krieger. We were able to turn his cocaine into enough street-level cocaine to pay for all this. PAM Street-level? CHOLO ARCHER Si. No one has pure wholesale cocaine except Nuestro Krieger. You cut it with other products and sell for fifteen times more. Its, like, the first rule of selling cocaine. Archer -- squinting, perplexed -- raises his hands.

p. 17 ARCHER (extended beat) Is that hot tub filled with guacamole? 25 EXT. DESERTED STREET - NIGHT Ray WHEELS around a dirty corner. RAY (to self) Kill for guacamole... Rays chair RUNS OUT OF BATTERY outside Fairyland. Bouncer looks plaintive, clipboard held to the side. Ray pushes on. RAY (CONTD) Killforguacamole... THUNDER CRACKS and RAIN POURS. RAY (CONTD) (gruff) Kill... 26 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE 26 25

Cheryl returns to the table to find Malory pecking at a scampi bowl. Cyril is red-faced and drunk, arm-in-arm with JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN. Malorys COCKTAIL GLASSES have piled up into a standing army of inebriation. CHERYL Does that taste like a tsunami of orgasm? Malory stops chewing -- she pushes the bowl away from her. MALORY Shirley, dear, rememberwe came here to discuss your career. CHERYL Yeah, but... Cheryl picks up one of the KNIVES and mimics Japanese Chef. CHERYL (CONTD) (wide-eyed) Im like one of their dolphins, but instead of harpoons...

p. 18 Malory begins to gather her things. Shes done here. MR. MOTO (O.S.) Great pleasure, I believe, is the best way to say it The voice freezes Malory. MR. MOTO (CONTD) Yes, a great pleasure to meet you again, under drier circumstances. MALORY Unfortunately, the same cant be said for my fellow dinner guests. (beat) I dont believe weve met, Mister...? MR. MOTO Certainly, you remember me. You nearly killed me! 27 EXT. PIER - NIGHT [DRIFT PROBLEM] -- FLASHBACK Malory SHOOTS Mr. Moto as he comes out of the water. 28 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE -- RETURN TO SCENE Malory SQUINTS, perplexed. Mr. Moto follows suit. MALORY Excuse me... Malory sucks a tooth and pulls out a SHRIMP LEG. MALORY (CONTD) Im sorryyou were saying? 29 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, CHURCH 29 28 27

Lana and Archer tread carefully behind Enrique. In B.G., Pam CRIES on CHOLA PRINCESSs shoulder. Lana sees SHOOTERS above. LANA (hushed) Archer! Ten oclock and two oclock, high caliber.

p. 19 ARCHER (hushed) Lana, babe, if I had known you were so hot to trot, we could have done that in the car. LANA You unbelievable son of a bitch. I dont mean blowjobs. ARCHER I know, Lana. Jsus, if you would take a joke as often as you take Lana SLAPS the back of Archers head. Enrique stops. LANA (sweet, to Enrique) Rooster. Whats his name? Hes so cute... Paco. ENRIQUE

Across the room, Paco CALLS. The troupe moves onward. ARCHER (more hushed) You need to talk to Krieger. I will distract them. Archers stomach GROWLS with bitter fury. ARCHER (CONTD) Enrique, mi amigo. I would love to see the rest of your church later, but for now I am very hungry. ENRIQUE Sterling, of course. In Mexico, we never let a guest leave with an empty stomach. Please... Enrique shows Archer to a FAJITA BAR. Lana holds her belly. LANA Archer...? Save me some? As Archer moves to the bar, he holds up his MIDDLE FINGER.

p. 20 30 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE 30

Mr. Motos HENCHMEN HOIST Cyril and Japanese Businessman out of their seats. Cyril doesnt put up much of a fight. May I? MR. MOTO

Malory receives a FRESH COCKTAIL. MALORY (being shitty) Sure, what else could go badly? Mr. Moto sits. He breathes slowly, calmly. Malory SWILLS. MALORY (CONTD) Has anyone ever told youyou look just like a disappointing lay? Henchman #1 SNICKERS but covers with COUGHS. Mr. Moto SNAPS his fingers. Henchman #2 presents Mr. Moto a KATANA. MR. MOTO Miss Archer, you are famous for your sharp tongue, but be warythis blade was made three centuries ago in my ancestral village. It is perhaps even sharper than your wit. Do you know what it is called? MALORY Thinly veiled compensation? Henchman #1 GIGGLES. Without hesitation, Henchman #2 sidesteps as Mr. Moto SWINGS the KATANA and CUTS THROUGH #1. MR. MOTO Honjo Masamune, Miss Archer. Malory sits, wide-eyed, as Henchman #1 FALLS IN HALF. MR. MOTO (CONTD) Now, Id like to talk about the rest of your cocaine. [SPLATCH!] Cheryls SOPPING WET PANTIES hit Mr. Moto in the face.

p. 21 31 EXT. RESTAURANT DISTRICT STREET - NIGHT - STORM 31

Ray bumps over a curb. He finds himself in front of Archers CHALLENGER and Malorys CADILLAC. He grits his teeth. 32 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, CHURCH Lana spies Krieger at the end of the room. She weaves by idolaters -- all nouveau-rich Latinos. Enrique pursues. ENRIQUE Mi amor, where are you going? Lana looks up. Shooters point to her, tension builds. LANA (loud) Enrique, werent you the first one blessed by Saint Krieger? Eager worshippers envelop Enrique. Lana sneaks behind Kriegers PULPIT. Krieger bestows KISSES to the forehead and cheeks of a LATIN KINGS Hired Gun. LANA (CONTD) (hushed) Krieger. Krieger ignores Lana. He WHISPERS PRAYERS to Hired Gun. LANA (CONTD) Krieger...! Krieger puts his finger to Lanas lips. LANA (CONTD) (muffled) I think we might wanthoo thalk. You know you are noth a sainth. Krieger KNEELS before Lana, his hand on her BELLY. KRIEGER (chanting) Fames artium magistra. Ab aeterno, medicus contra mundum. (beat, to congregation) And from prayer comes life! CONGREGATION (hubbub) Shes pregnant! Its a miracle! 32

p. 22 From a back kitchen, NERVOUS WHITE COOK pokes his head out. NERVOUS WHITE COOK Are the legends of the White Angel true? Has the miracle arrived? Lana pinches the bridge of her nose. Frustration bubbles up. LANA Well, Ive been pregnant almost four months. How long have you been waiting for this miracle? NERVOUS WHITE DUDE I dunno. They chained me to the oven. Been a year, at least. Lana SNAPS to attention. NERVOUS WHITE DUDE (CONTD) What is the outside world like? Lana rushes off. NERVOUS WHITE DUDE (CONTD) Oh, no, great. Ignore the slave. (beat) Think shed be more sensitive...

END ACT TWO

p. 23 ACT THREE 33 EXT. JAPANESE RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - NIGHT - STORM Ray sits next to the door. TWO STEPS block the entrance. JAPANESE BOUNCER approaches from inside. Ray gestures for help in. Without compassion, Japanese Bouncer LOCKS UP. 34 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE Mr. Motos HENCHMEN drag away Henchman #1s parts. Cheryl STRADDLES Mr. Motos lap, despite his best efforts. MALORY Okay, you have my attention. CHERYL You haveliterallyanything you want from me. Mr. Moto SNAPS his fingers. Henchmen carry Cheryl toward Cyrils festive table. CHERYL (CONTD) (kicking and screaming) Slice me like an avocado! Quick! Mr. Moto SNAPS again, and a YAKUZA LORD brings a GOLDEN SAKE URN to the table. Mr. Moto serves Malory, then himself. MR. MOTO This is a very special sake. (beat) Please, drink. Malory holds the golden sake urn. MALORY (mildly impressed) From your ancestral village? No. MR. MOTO 34 33

(beat) From Heaven. Mr. Moto BOWS. Malory CHUGS. She holds up a finger. MR. MOTO (CONTD) You certainly are an impressive Malory chugs, pressing her finger to Mr. Motos lips.

p. 24 35 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, CHURCH 35

Lana finds Archer sated with tequila, beans, and guacamole at the fajita bar. Archer has drawn a crowd of TEENAGE CHOLAS. ARCHER Lana, try this mole. Its literally better than sex. (to chef, Guelo) Guelo! Otro orden de las enchiladas con mole. No muy picante por la princesa nubia, por favor. LANA What the hell have you been doing?! Archer holds up a BULGING BROWN PAPER BAG. ARCHER Look, chips and guac to-go! (beat, to Guelo) No demasiado queso, to. Ella es sensible. GUELO Qu coo. Ella es como mi hermana. ARCHER Espera, espera... Tuve algo de esto... LANA Something is way off. Did you know that this church of Krieger has been here for over a year? ARCHER Well, the tequila is certainly older than a year. Its more golden than the mayor of El Dorados piss. Archer throws back a TEQUILA SHOT and walks Lana beside the fajita bar. The congregation begins to swarm towards Krieger. ARCHER (CONTD) But, look, Guelo told me that LANA (interrupting) Guelo? Youre on a nickname basis? Archer pulls out a tamale recipe written on a POSTCARD.

p. 25 ARCHER When a man shares a tamale recipe (...) Thats for life, Lana. Archer turns the card over. Its a commemorative picture: Enrique stands arm-in-arm with his FATHER and GRANDFATHER. ARCHER (CONTD) Enriques family ran a restaurant above here until his father fell on hard times and he had to sell it to a Japanese outfit. Then they turned to drugs. Searching for exits, Lana looks over her shoulder. Archer receives ENCHILADAS from a PREGNANT TEEN. ARCHER (CONTD) Which means one thing... What? LANA

ARCHER This is one of the last authentic moles youll ever get in the city. Paco hops up and pushes a TEQUILA SHOT across the bar. ARCHER (CONTD) Paco, you God damned legend. You have no limits! Paco COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOS! 36 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE Malory DRAINS the golden sake urn and wipes her chin. MALORY Okay, Mr. Moto, Ill play ball, or golf. Whatever you people are obsessed with this generation. MR. MOTO We received word from customers that your cocaine was incredibly pureand incredibly strong. 36

p. 26 37 EXT. TUNT MANSION [DEBT OF HONOR] - DAY -- FLASHBACK 37

FLASH MONTAGE: cocaine in Mr. Motos trunk; and Malory, Lana and Archer watching Mr. Motos limousine drive away. 38 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE -- RETURN TO SCENE MALORY And incredibly free of charge. MR. MOTO That is the price if you cross the Yakuza! Yaku-za! HENCHMAN 38

CYRIL (background, overlapping) Sake bomb! MR. MOTO (beat, more docile) I would like to give you an opportunity to earn all that money backand then quintuple it. Mr. Moto has piqued Malorys interest. 39 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, CHURCH 39

Lana and Archer look over THRONGS as Saint Krieger addresses his congregation of line cooks, landscapers, laborers, etc. KRIEGER Children. Dear, dear children... Krieger exudes a saintly calm. He wears simple MONASTERY GARB. His voice resounds over the adoring masses. ENRIQUE (O.S.) (fork-tongued) Do you see my masterpiece? Enrique saunters over to Lana and Archer. ENRIQUE (CONTD) Build a myth and sell it for profit, Mr. Archer. That has always been the worlds smartest business. Enriques CHICANO ACCENT has disappeared.

p. 27 LANA You son of a bitch. Enrique pretends Lanas words wound. ENRIQUE No, no, no. You are the mother of this miracle. I am but a humble vessel. (then) You see, Krieger never gave us cocaine. It was a simple lie... LANA No shit, you lied. We already knew. ENRIQUE But look at what has transpired. Enrique extends a hand towards the crowd. Pam WAILS, TOPLESS. ARCHER What do you want, Enrique? ENRIQUE Ah, youre quick, Mr. Archer. (beat) I want to know your source for cocaine. Your cavalier business practices forced my cartel to cut corners. HENCHMEN SEIZE Archer. He doesnt put up much of a fight, too bloated to move. Lana GULPS. Enrique draws a KNIFE and scrapes it along Lanas cheek. KRIEGER For, as Saint Geddy Lee spake, in Fountain of Lamneth (...) ENRIQUE And I would much rather cut into something other than my business. LANA Theres no competition from us, Enrique. Were out of cocaine. Pam ate most of it, for Christs sake! Enrique bites his tongue. All this work, and theyre out?! LANA (CONTD) We have a couple packages, no more.

p. 28 Enrique laughs ruefully. ENRIQUE Do you know what that makes you? (then, SNAPS) Que se puede sacrificar. ARCHER Oh, shit! Lana! LANA What? What does that mean? ARCHER Not them. Montezumas revenge! Archers EYES grow unnaturally WIDE. Henchmen side-step as Shooters RAIN BULLETS from the rafters. Henchmen become HUMAN SHIELDS. Lana KICKS Enrique into a DEEP-FRYER vat. ARCHER (CONTD) The mole sauce was too good! Archer BUCKLES, trying to preserve his pants. Lana DIVES. LANA Get down, Archer! Pandemonium sweeps through the crowd. Hired guns throughout the room draw their weapons and form a gauntlet between Krieger and Lana. ARCHER (pained) Ohoh God, no! Shoot me! Lana FIRES at Shooters in the rafters. Archer WADDLES away. ARCHER (CONTD) Leave me to die, Lana! The greeneyed deity will soon vanquish me! Archer DE-PANTS on a TOILET-SHAPED PIATA. He SCREAMS 40 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE, CYRILS TABLE Cyril and his JAPANESE BUDDIES SCREAM CYRIL Aaaaaahsake bomb! Cyril POUNDS the table and they BOMB the drinks. 40

p. 29 41 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE, MALORYS TABLE Malorys drunk eyes twinkle. Her speech slurs. MALORY Moto, honey, I would love to, but, regretfully[hick]we dont have any more cocaine to sell you. Mr. Motos stare becomes icy. MR. MOTO If our business cannot protect youthen your insults will only bring you dishonorable death. 42 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, CHURCH Krieger tries to control the crowd as GUNFIRE fills the underground arena. KRIEGER My flock, please, heed the wisdom of Cherry Blossom! Across the room, Archer blazes with Montezumas Revenge. ARCHER Guelo, you bastard! We were tamale brothers! Archer draws his WALTHER PPK: GUN BARREL POV -Archer aims at the MASSIVE PROPANE TANK beside Guelo. 43 INT. SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE 43 42 41

YAKUZA KILLER in SAMURAI ARMOR stalks behind Malory, KATANA RAISED for the kill stroke. In B.G., Cyril raises his fists: CYRIL Sake Bomb! An UNDERGROUND EXPLOSION SHAKES the building. Malory draws her pistol and SHOOTS Mr. Motos Henchmen. She reloads and coldly shoots EVERY EMPLOYEE. Cyrils SAKE BUDDIES get mowed down. Cyril PEES HIMSELF.

p. 30 Malorys trained pistol pins down Mr. Moto. She WINKS. MALORY The gig is up, Shiro. Clever trick, your assassins posing as cooks. MR. MOTO My name is Koji! This is not my restaurant. Malory looks around at the bloodshed. Cyril WHIMPERS. MR. MOTO (CONTD) But my men are outside! Malory SHOOTS Mr. Moto, then picks up Henchmans MACHINE GUN. MALORY Thanks for the drink. (to Cheryl) Grab Cyril and follow me! 44 INT. UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, CHURCH 44

Lana fights her way towards Krieger. Archer CRAWLS on hands and knees. Innocent Latinos run amok, scrambling towards exits. The room fills with SMOKE and MUZZLE FLASH. LANA I need to replenish ammunition. ARCHER I need to replenish fluids. Krieger stands tall amongst the chaos. KRIEGER Be calm! I am the light! The path to heaven is found in my van! LANA Shut up, Krieger! Lana and Archer get to Kriegers pulpit. Nervous White Cook opens his door. NERVOUS WHITE COOK Hey, you guys! There are stairs in here that lead [STNP!] Nervous White Cook is felled by a bullet. Krieger kneels.

p. 31 NERVOUS WHITE COOK (CONTD) Give me benediction, angel! KRIEGER (chanting) Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum. 45 INT. KITCEN, SHIROS FINE JAPANESE CUISINE Malory kicks through the door, shooting everyone. Cheryl helps Cyril walk. CHERYL Ew! Hes peeing again. CYRIL Ugh. Too mushtoo mush sake... MALORY Grow up. Its basically Japanese bath water. 46 INT. STAIRWELL 46 45

Archer weakly pushes open the door. Lana and Krieger follow, trailed by CLANGS and PINGS of errant bullets. ARCHER Seriously, you should go ahead. Best to stay upwind of the curse. Lana and Krieger race upwards, taking two stairs at a time. Archer kicks off his pants and shoes -- PLOP-PLOPSH. CATCHING UP WITH LANA AND KRIEGER: KRIEGER It smells like sin. LANA Ugh, I know. KRIEGER I could paint over the Sistine with this! LANA Good Lord...

p. 32 47 INT. BARE UNDERGROUND HALLWAY 47

Malory, Cyril and Cheryl back up against a BARRAGE of Yakuza bullets. On the other end of the hallway, Lana and Krieger emerge from a steel door, followed by machine gun REPORTS. MALORY (to Lana) Where did you come from? KRIEGER (to no one) I am the final rendering of God! CHERYL (to Krieger) Really?! LANA Whos shooting at you? MALORY Yakuza death patrol. You? LANA Mexican cult army and Archers diarrhea. MALORY Yech. Years of constant drinking An EXPLOSION blasts the steel door off its hinges. Archer SURFS through the enfilade ON TOP OF THE DOOR, now completely NAKED. He still holds the chips and guacamole to-go bag. ARCHER Okay, the good news: they dont have any more grenades. CHERYL Whats the ARCHER (interrupting) I wiped with my jacket. Archer doesnt meet anyones eyes. A moment of silence. MEXICAN ATTACKER (O.S.) (from distance) Oh, wow, nice suitAHHH! EW! EWWW!

p. 33 Yakuza shooters and Mexican Attackers bust into the hallway. Team Archer is pinned down in the crossfire halfway into the hall. Lana flings open a STEEL DOOR and everyone DIVES in. 48 INT. DARK STOREROOM 48

Cheryl strikes a MATCH but Archer SLAPS it out of her hand. ARCHER Trust me, ventilation is poor. Thats not how you want to die. Shooting continues outside. Spanish and Japanese SCREAMS amid the madness. Then -- nothing but a faint grunting sound. 49 INT. HALLWAY, NOW A WARZONE 49

Archer pokes his head into the light. Smoke clears, revealing both kill squads: all dead. ARCHER II think the coast is clear. Everyone stumbles into the war zone. MUFFLED GRUNTING comes from behind a STEEL DOOR across the hall. 50 INT. OTHER DARK STOREROOM Team Archer opens the door, revealing Pam, still topless, sitting on a MOUNTAIN OF COCAINE BUNDLES. 51 INT. ORIGINAL DARK STOREROOM 51 50

Team Archer turns 180 degrees to look into their original storeroom. It is FILLED TO THE CEILING WITH HEROIN BUNDLES. Oh, God... 52 KRIEGER

EXT. RESTAURANT DISTRICT STREET

52

Ray SHIVERS in the cold, still outside the Japanese restaurant. The rest of Team Archer stumbles out of the door, worse for wear, drunk and shell-shocked. CHERYL Hey, Ray. Do you have some ass wipes for Mr. Archer?

p. 34 Archer TOSSES the bag of chips and guacamole at Ray. He opens the bag, tears mixed with raindrops, and pulls out a TUPPERWARE filled with guacamole. He almost smiles. PAM New Mexico! Pam PUNCHES Ray in the shoulder and he DROPS the guacamole into a puddle -- in B.G., a VW Beetle turns into an alley. Fuck you! RAY

END ACT THREE THE END.