Twilight is a 434 page waste of ink and paper, bound in black, with a picture of an apple on the front.

It makes excellent firewood, but be careful, accidental contact with the content of the book can result
in contraction of the deadly Twilight Virus.
Backstory
Stephanie Meyer was a sad, lonely Mormon cult-girl. So she wrote a book about a live girl, and a
dead boy falling in love
Plot

Twilight has no plot. It is merely a sequence of events that don't culminate in anything and then
something else happens for no actual reason but merely because SM decided it should happen to
make the book interesting.

The sequence of events goes like this:

There is a totally plain and ordinary girl named Stephenie Meyer *cough* I mean Bella Swan. She
moves to a miserable town named after a utensil to live with her dad, because of some
incomprehensible reason, after all, she doesn't want to go, and no one is making her go, but she goes
anyway. Wait, what? The only logical conclusion that can be drawn is that she is a retard.
There she goes to school and is instantly popular and loved, and all of the guys fall in love with her on
sight. In one class she sits next to this TOTALLY HAWT GUY named Edward Cullen, who acts like a
real bad guy to her (which causes her to be obsessed with him), and then he leaves for a week. But
when he comes back he's really nice and stuff, and they get all smart together in class. Then, in the
carpark, a van skids on black ice and comes STRAIGHT FOR BELLA!!!! *gasp*. Then follows some
ridiculous, difficult to understand sentences and then suddenly Edward is in front of Bella pushing the
van away with his bare hands *shock*! The guy in the van is bleeding from the head, but noobody
cares about him, they only care about HAWT BELLA SWAN!
Then Bella goes to a larger town to go shopping and somehow nearly gets raped by some sandal
wearing thugs. But then Edward turns up out of nowhere and saves her, and on the drive home he
confesses to her that he's a VAMPIRE!! (like we didn't know that already, it says it on the back cover,
morons).
Some other stuff happens, like Bella gets introduced to Edward's family, who are VEGETARIAN
vampires, which means they ONLY EAT ANIMALS. That logic's a bit twisted, if you ask me. Also,
being 'vegetarian somehow changes the color of their eyes, and they don't burn in the sun, they
*sparkle*...pretty.
Then the vampires play some random baseball - clearly Meyer couldn't think up a decent equivalent
of Quidditch so had to throw in some other retardation - but some other vampires show up and want
to eat Bella, so everyone runs away. But the evil vamp manages to lure Bella away, because she's a
complete retard. He tries to kill her, but Edward comes and saves the day... right after she gets bit by
the evil vamp. After Edward saves her, she asks why he took so long to help her. He replies with
"Because I took the Volvo".
Then they live happily ever after until the next book, which is equally as stupid as the first. Clearly due
to his pale and bony condition, Edward is a sufferer of the dreaded AIDS virus. And you thought we
wouldn't know Meyers!

The Twilight Virus

Twilight is the epidemic virus genetically engineered by the diabolical scientist known as Stephanie
Meyer. When Stephanie was just a young girl, her older sister had asked her to wash her car for her.
Stephanie felt cornered and manipulated by this devious request. Hatred filled her lungs with every
breath she took for years to come. She wanted revenge. She had to create some thing that would
instill a high influence on people in return. A very high influence at that, the infection caused TFG
(Twilight Fan Girl) blood levels of .86. They were intoxicated by the plague that she developed in the
walls of her own home.
Transmission

The virus is more likely to infect girls. It can be implanted while even merely browsing over the novel.
Mere gloves will not protect any one from the substance. The virus triggers your neurological cells to
self produce its own form of the virus, as you scan across the pages with your eyes. The virus then
hastily enters your leukocytes and erythrocytes to reproduce a mutated copy of the RNA. The virus
has been known to kill anybody who isn't compatible with the virus.
Symptoms
The symptoms of the Heartococcus Twilitosis (AKA vampy sue syndrome) virus are similar to the less
severe epidemic known as HIV. A very unique effect has been shown from this pandemic. A list of
general symptoms may include:
  Ridiculously mourning over people that have never existed

 Longing for a companion to sweet talk you

 Dying your hair black, wearing sparkles

 Self induced vomiting and manically yelling "Team Edward!"

 Carpet burns on the patella's while using Twilight as your prayer booklet

 Ditching your old boyfriend in hopes of a guy that is just like Edward

 Performing the opposite of the catholic cross in hopes that Stephanie, the god of the
new world, will provide you with your own Edward.

 Avoiding direct sunlight

 Strange fascinations with blood.

 Yelling at people who hate Twilight.

Treatment
There is no known cure for Heartcoccus Twilitosis. However, experts have studied and concluded that
symptoms can be alleviated. Possible methods of protecting replication of the virus include:

 Igniting libraries

 Consuming each page of the book in which Bella calls out for help (all)

 Getting rid of/burning all Twilight books/posters/etc.

 Tearing out and igniting each page of the book in which Bella desires to have Edwards baby
(all)

 And confetti creation of the materialized virus itself.

 Lighting the book on fire and then kicking it into a sewage pipe full of water